1
00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,737
The muggings were
confined to Cabot Street.

2
00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:06,072
They began over two months ago.

3
00:00:06,156 --> 00:00:08,991
Just like this briefing did.
Please go to charisma class.

4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,784
I'm here, I'm here, sorry, Charles.

5
00:00:10,868 --> 00:00:14,328
No, Jake, never apologize for
making an amazing entrance.

6
00:00:14,412 --> 00:00:16,580
My power went out last night,
and my alarm didn't go off.

7
00:00:16,664 --> 00:00:18,498
Your alarm is power-dependent?

8
00:00:18,582 --> 00:00:20,166
You brought this on yourself, son.

9
00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:22,543
Point is, it will not happen again.
Carry on.

10
00:00:23,753 --> 00:00:25,838
Sorry I'm late, Sarge.
No hot water this morning.

11
00:00:25,922 --> 00:00:28,464
But I'm here, ready to go.

12
00:00:28,548 --> 00:00:30,467
Will cause no further distractions.

13
00:00:31,217 --> 00:00:33,093
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Seriously?

14
00:00:33,177 --> 00:00:34,344
What is your excuse today?

15
00:00:34,428 --> 00:00:35,511
More bad luck.

16
00:00:35,595 --> 00:00:38,389
My car ran out of gas and then my
clothes disappeared from the Laundromat.

17
00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:40,849
I had to beg one of my
neighbors to loan me some of his.

18
00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:42,600
You never told us Sinbad
lives in your building.

19
00:00:42,684 --> 00:00:43,768
If Sinbad lived in my building,

20
00:00:43,852 --> 00:00:47,652
I would have a tattoo on my forehead
that said "Sinbad lives in my building."

21
00:00:48,064 --> 00:00:49,605
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,

22
00:00:49,689 --> 00:00:51,357
and I'm a half an hour early.

23
00:00:51,441 --> 00:00:54,443
That's right, my string of bad
luck has finally come to an end.

24
00:00:54,527 --> 00:00:56,194
Peralta, you failed your drug test.

25
00:00:56,278 --> 00:00:59,405
There were traces of cocaine and
methamphetamines found in your urine.

26
00:00:59,489 --> 00:01:00,532
[SHOUTS] What?

27
00:01:00,782 --> 00:01:02,784
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

28
00:01:20,631 --> 00:01:23,716
Captain, this is insane.
I don't do drugs.

29
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,301
I mean, sure, a couple
of my teeth are loose,

30
00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:27,260
but that's from dental neglect, not meth.

31
00:01:27,344 --> 00:01:28,845
Yeah, those tests are unreliable.

32
00:01:28,929 --> 00:01:32,222
Okay, let's not blame tests.
I believe in you, Jake, but come on.

33
00:01:32,306 --> 00:01:33,557
He's going after tests.

34
00:01:33,641 --> 00:01:36,226
Sir, listen.
The missing laundry, the hot water,

35
00:01:36,310 --> 00:01:38,311
the power, the gas, now this?

36
00:01:38,395 --> 00:01:40,062
This is not bad luck, it's a pattern.

37
00:01:40,146 --> 00:01:41,521
Someone's trying to sabotage me.

38
00:01:41,605 --> 00:01:42,856
And who would want to do that?

39
00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:44,733
Probably someone I put away.
It's the only explanation.

40
00:01:44,817 --> 00:01:47,777
Or you didn't pay your bills and you only
put a quarter gallon of gas in your tank

41
00:01:47,861 --> 00:01:49,570
'cause you wanted to spend
the rest on mini-mart beef jerky.

42
00:01:49,654 --> 00:01:52,655
Wrong, I buy my jerky online,
from the world's top jerkmasters.

43
00:01:52,739 --> 00:01:55,074
So, looks like you need to
update your jerk Rolodex,

44
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,450
which is not as dirty as it sounds.

45
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:58,911
Anyway, I can prove
that I filled up my tank.

46
00:01:58,995 --> 00:02:01,579
All right? I even have a receipt, because

47
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,790
I keep all my receipts,
like a mature adult person.

48
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:09,919
Laser tag, wheelie shoes,
remote control monster truck.

49
00:02:10,003 --> 00:02:13,130
Ah-ha! Gas station.
Someone drained my tank.

50
00:02:13,214 --> 00:02:14,255
Okay, I know you don't do drugs.

51
00:02:14,339 --> 00:02:16,257
So, maybe there is something
to what you're saying.

52
00:02:16,341 --> 00:02:18,510
I'll talk to One Police Plaza
and arrange an appeal.

53
00:02:18,594 --> 00:02:21,428
I'll also put someone on
this, uh, sabotage theory.

54
00:02:21,512 --> 00:02:22,805
I got it.

55
00:02:22,889 --> 00:02:24,138
Jake, when I find
whoever did this to you,

56
00:02:24,222 --> 00:02:26,098
I'm gonna rip out their
eyeballs and fill their sockets…

57
00:02:26,182 --> 00:02:27,266
I think you might be too close to this.

58
00:02:27,350 --> 00:02:28,433
Copy that.

59
00:02:28,517 --> 00:02:30,227
Santiago, Diaz, look into it.

60
00:02:30,311 --> 00:02:32,895
[BRITISH ACCENT] Noice. In the
meantime, Peralta, you're suspended.

61
00:02:32,979 --> 00:02:34,396
I'm gonna need you to
hand in your badge and gun.

62
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,981
All right, fine, you can
have my badge and gun.

63
00:02:36,065 --> 00:02:37,899
But we're doing it in your
office, so I can slam them down

64
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,526
on your desk and yell
out, "The system stinks!"

65
00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,319
Actually, the procedure is
to bring your gun and badge

66
00:02:41,403 --> 00:02:43,278
down to the equipment
room on the second floor,

67
00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:45,614
fill out form 452_J.

68
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:47,573
Hand the said form in
to the inventory clerk,

69
00:02:47,657 --> 00:02:50,326
and then receive a claim
check through inter-office mail.

70
00:02:50,410 --> 00:02:51,993
The system stinks!

71
00:02:52,077 --> 00:02:53,286
Hey, Boyle.

72
00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:56,164
Any progress with that extortion case
you and Jake have been working on?

73
00:02:56,248 --> 00:02:58,499
No, I've just been going over his notes.

74
00:02:58,583 --> 00:03:01,376
Look how cool and
illegible his handwriting is.

75
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:03,294
Oh, I wish I could be that free.

76
00:03:03,378 --> 00:03:05,171
But you know me, ever the calligrapher.

77
00:03:05,255 --> 00:03:08,715
Yeah, well, um, I thought you
might need a little more manpower.

78
00:03:08,799 --> 00:03:11,342
Okay.
So, I'm assigning you a new partner.

79
00:03:11,426 --> 00:03:13,428
Actually, partners.

80
00:03:13,803 --> 00:03:17,180
Yep, there's definitely something
in there. Looks like a peanut.

81
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:18,765
Bet it's a cashew.

82
00:03:18,849 --> 00:03:19,890
You're on.

83
00:03:19,974 --> 00:03:22,893
No! Sarge, come on, they're terrible.

84
00:03:22,977 --> 00:03:25,896
Stop exaggerating, Boyle.
They're good detectives.

85
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:27,522
They're fine!

86
00:03:27,606 --> 00:03:29,482
Oh, no. I pushed it in deeper.

87
00:03:30,942 --> 00:03:32,025
They're all we got.

88
00:03:32,109 --> 00:03:36,404
Sir, Gina's dance concert was last night.

89
00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:40,198
Right, the Dancy Reagan performance.

90
00:03:40,282 --> 00:03:43,284
I've been so preoccupied with Peralta's
drug test, it totally slipped my mind.

91
00:03:43,368 --> 00:03:47,204
Me too, but don't worry.
I told her we were there.

92
00:03:47,288 --> 00:03:49,330
Was your favorite move The Gull?

93
00:03:49,414 --> 00:03:51,499
Or was it Space Bubbles?

94
00:03:51,583 --> 00:03:53,417
Oh. [LAUGHS] I loved them both!

95
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:56,712
I'm a bubble-man, and a gull-man.

96
00:03:56,796 --> 00:03:57,920
[LAUGHTER]

97
00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,380
You lied to her?

98
00:03:59,464 --> 00:04:01,465
Like a pro. I couldn't hurt her feelings.

99
00:04:01,549 --> 00:04:03,199
She really wanted us to be there.

100
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:06,094
Well, I wish you hadn't
involved me in your deception.

101
00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:08,345
I maintain a strict code of integrity.

102
00:04:08,429 --> 00:04:09,513
[LAUGHS]

103
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:10,723
Come on, Captain.

104
00:04:10,807 --> 00:04:13,057
You've never told a white lie
to make a person feel better?

105
00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:16,393
I only lie when
someone's safety is at risk.

106
00:04:16,477 --> 00:04:19,980
Or if a juvenile, aged eight years
or younger, asks about Santa Claus.

107
00:04:20,064 --> 00:04:21,230
In which case…

108
00:04:21,314 --> 00:04:23,232
I feed them some reassuring pap about

109
00:04:23,316 --> 00:04:25,567
the logical impossibility
of proving a negative.

110
00:04:25,651 --> 00:04:29,154
It's sentimental drivel,
but they eat it up.

111
00:04:29,321 --> 00:04:30,780
So…

112
00:04:31,322 --> 00:04:35,700
Does this mean you're gonna blow
up my spot and tell Gina the truth?

113
00:04:35,784 --> 00:04:37,785
If she asks me, then yes,

114
00:04:37,869 --> 00:04:41,664
I suppose I will have to
blow your spot right up.

115
00:04:43,332 --> 00:04:46,083
Okay. This is everyone I could think
of who would want to mess with my life.

116
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,752
Perps, people I've testified against,

117
00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:49,210
the old guy who lived
underneath me when I was

118
00:04:49,294 --> 00:04:50,420
learning the "Gangnam Style" dance.

119
00:04:50,504 --> 00:04:51,755
Wow. You've pissed off a lot of people.

120
00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:54,506
Well, that's what happens
when you live out loud, Rosa.

121
00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:56,235
We need to look into
the power outage and hot

122
00:04:56,319 --> 00:04:58,010
water.
Do you have proof you pay your bills?

123
00:04:58,094 --> 00:04:59,385
Are you serious?

124
00:04:59,469 --> 00:05:01,095
Guys, this is not my fault.

125
00:05:01,179 --> 00:05:04,097
My reputation is being
sabotaged by some guy.

126
00:05:04,181 --> 00:05:06,892
Or girl.
You know, monsters can be women, too.

127
00:05:06,976 --> 00:05:09,602
Super progressive attitude, Jake.
Look, we are on your side.

128
00:05:09,686 --> 00:05:12,104
It's just, you're not the most
responsible person. We have to do our job.

129
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:13,813
All right, fine.
You can see my bank records.

130
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,523
But I always pay my power bill.

131
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,149
Often late.

132
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,276
One time, in person, with
Canadian pennies. [LAUGHS]

133
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,195
Oh, my God, talking about your finances
makes me sweat behind the knees.

134
00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,364
Nice. Hey, speaking of funky smells,

135
00:05:24,448 --> 00:05:27,282
should we start this investigation
at the urinalysis lab? Hmm?

136
00:05:27,366 --> 00:05:29,117
Take a trip to the old pee factory?

137
00:05:29,201 --> 00:05:30,744
Jake, you're suspended.

138
00:05:30,828 --> 00:05:32,495
Just go home, have a
beer, and smash something.

139
00:05:32,579 --> 00:05:34,789
That's what I'd do.
Or take advantage of this amazing city.

140
00:05:34,873 --> 00:05:37,666
Go sight-seeing.
MoMA has an exhibit I'm dying to see.

141
00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:39,042
It's all about office chair design.

142
00:05:39,126 --> 00:05:40,459
Oh. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

143
00:05:40,543 --> 00:05:42,795
Look, I know technically
I'm not supposed to help out.

144
00:05:42,879 --> 00:05:44,296
But rules were made to be broken.

145
00:05:44,380 --> 00:05:46,464
They were made to be followed.
Nothing is made to be broken.

146
00:05:46,548 --> 00:05:47,632
Uh, piñatas.

147
00:05:47,716 --> 00:05:49,133
Glow sticks. Karate boards.

148
00:05:49,217 --> 00:05:50,509
Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

149
00:05:50,593 --> 00:05:52,928
Rules.
Look, someone's messing with my life here.

150
00:05:53,012 --> 00:05:54,929
I thought you guys had my back. We do.

151
00:05:55,346 --> 00:05:57,014
But seriously, you can't come with us.

152
00:05:57,098 --> 00:05:59,975
Okay. Fine. I get it.

153
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:01,477
Protocol is protocol.

154
00:06:01,852 --> 00:06:04,812
I'm gonna go check out that office
chair design exhibit at the MoMA.

155
00:06:04,896 --> 00:06:05,938
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

156
00:06:08,399 --> 00:06:11,526
Rosa? Amy? What are you guys doing here?

157
00:06:11,610 --> 00:06:14,194
Our non-suspended jobs.
You're not supposed to be investigating.

158
00:06:14,278 --> 00:06:17,072
I'm not.
I'm sight-seeing, just as Amy suggested.

159
00:06:17,156 --> 00:06:18,823
At Brooklyn Urine & Blood?

160
00:06:18,907 --> 00:06:19,991
Oh, yeah.

161
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:22,867
The Internet says this is the number
one urinalysis lab in all of New York.

162
00:06:22,951 --> 00:06:24,285
Fun tourist selfie!

163
00:06:24,369 --> 00:06:25,912
Boink! Not your best.

164
00:06:25,996 --> 00:06:28,288
Anyways, I'm gonna
take a walking tour in here,

165
00:06:28,372 --> 00:06:29,999
while you guys ask a couple of questions.

166
00:06:30,083 --> 00:06:32,458
And also, I've been waiting for
20 minutes. Where have you been?

167
00:06:32,542 --> 00:06:35,294
We had to find the addresses of all 78
people you said might want to hurt you.

168
00:06:35,378 --> 00:06:37,880
Uh-huh.
And was there another stop along the way?

169
00:06:38,297 --> 00:06:39,339
We got coffee.

170
00:06:39,423 --> 00:06:42,341
Those are cappuccinos. You know
how long it takes to foam that milk?

171
00:06:42,425 --> 00:06:43,801
Time you could have spent on my case.

172
00:06:43,885 --> 00:06:46,428
But I guess it's just froth
over friends with you two.

173
00:06:46,512 --> 00:06:50,515
Anyways, let's do this. Jake, I
can't believe I'm about to say this.

174
00:06:50,599 --> 00:06:52,933
I really wish you could
come look at urine with us.

175
00:06:53,017 --> 00:06:55,727
But you can't. You're suspended. Go home.

176
00:06:55,811 --> 00:07:00,313
All right, fine! If you guys won't
help me, I guess I'll just get myself off!

177
00:07:00,397 --> 00:07:02,607
Context.
Context was important on that one.

178
00:07:02,691 --> 00:07:05,026
I get Greek yogurt, because
there's heritage there.

179
00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:06,527
But Iceland? [SIGHS]

180
00:07:06,611 --> 00:07:08,711
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

181
00:07:09,405 --> 00:07:12,449
Hey, Gina, what are you
guys talking about? Yogurt?

182
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:16,452
Me too. Let's keep talking about that.
Whoo! Terry's out of breath.

183
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:18,954
Cool. I was just dropping off some files.

184
00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:22,331
Great. Let's just go out to your desk
and let's talk about how that went.

185
00:07:22,415 --> 00:07:23,541
Okay, Terry.

186
00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:27,252
But first, I want to ask the Captain
for his "impresh" of my show.

187
00:07:27,336 --> 00:07:30,504
Got any feed-B?
Or was it just love, love, love?

188
00:07:30,588 --> 00:07:32,214
Well, actually…

189
00:07:32,298 --> 00:07:34,215
I thought it was amazing!

190
00:07:34,299 --> 00:07:37,552
You were like a swan who
went to Juilliard. It was so good.

191
00:07:37,636 --> 00:07:41,430
[LAUGHS] Terry, I have
already received your praise.

192
00:07:41,514 --> 00:07:43,890
I am clearly fishing in
another pond right now.

193
00:07:43,974 --> 00:07:45,308
I am putting an end to this.

194
00:07:45,392 --> 00:07:48,492
Sergeant Jeffords and I were
unable to attend your performance.

195
00:07:49,812 --> 00:07:50,855
Oh.

196
00:07:51,272 --> 00:07:53,397
But you were so spot-on
with your compliments.

197
00:07:53,481 --> 00:07:55,483
Terry is a practiced liar.

198
00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:57,192
I'm sorry we missed the show.

199
00:07:57,276 --> 00:08:00,028
I know that dancing is
an important hobby to you.

200
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:02,654
Hobby?
[LAUGHS] You think my dancing is a hobby?

201
00:08:02,738 --> 00:08:06,032
Well, yes.
Like me and antique globe collecting.

202
00:08:06,116 --> 00:08:08,993
It's thrilling but nobody is
ever going to pay me for it.

203
00:08:09,077 --> 00:08:10,203
Ergo, a hobby.

204
00:08:10,287 --> 00:08:13,080
I get paid… In applause.

205
00:08:13,164 --> 00:08:14,464
But apparently, not yours.

206
00:08:17,709 --> 00:08:20,376
I know that maintaining
integrity can be difficult,

207
00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:23,588
but in the long run,
everyone is better for it.

208
00:08:23,672 --> 00:08:26,007
[SHREDDING]

209
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,383
Attention, everyone.

210
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:31,678
The tragic sound you hear is
the shredding of my spandy.

211
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,722
Gina Linetti will never dance again.

212
00:08:37,349 --> 00:08:42,228
So, those threatening phone calls were
being made to Tim Orsk of Tim O's Limos.

213
00:08:42,312 --> 00:08:45,939
Interesting. This Orsk guy's name
keeps cropping up in this case.

214
00:08:46,023 --> 00:08:47,398
Because he's the victim.

215
00:08:47,482 --> 00:08:51,610
You know, he's the guy whose
window was smashed with this rock.

216
00:08:51,694 --> 00:08:54,278
Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.

217
00:08:54,362 --> 00:08:56,864
Sure. But what do they want from him?

218
00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:59,616
$10,000. I just said that.

219
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:02,368
We're trying to figure out
who's doing the threatening.

220
00:09:02,452 --> 00:09:03,995
Wait. I have a theory.

221
00:09:04,829 --> 00:09:08,414
I think "limousine" and "magazine"
come from the same word.

222
00:09:08,498 --> 00:09:09,999
Just focus!

223
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,251
I'm sorry for snapping.
I interviewed Orsk.

224
00:09:12,335 --> 00:09:13,752
Orsk! There it is again.

225
00:09:13,836 --> 00:09:16,504
Oh, you're useless!
You're completely useless!

226
00:09:16,588 --> 00:09:20,174
You are without a doubt the most
incompetent detectives I've ever seen.

227
00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:23,458
And I'm including that bomb-sniffing
dog who humps all the bombs!

228
00:09:25,721 --> 00:09:28,305
DIAZ: You know, your turning
signal's been on for 30 seconds.

229
00:09:28,389 --> 00:09:31,349
I like to announce my turning intention.
This isn't the Indy 500.

230
00:09:31,433 --> 00:09:33,935
Well, when you finally
change lanes an hour from now,

231
00:09:34,019 --> 00:09:35,310
we should go talk to Jake's super.

232
00:09:35,394 --> 00:09:36,520
See if there was a power outage.

233
00:09:36,604 --> 00:09:37,980
-What?
-[BOTH SCREAM]

234
00:09:38,064 --> 00:09:40,273
Oh! Why would you do that?

235
00:09:40,357 --> 00:09:42,984
I just broke into your car and
then popped up without warning.

236
00:09:43,068 --> 00:09:45,193
Not cool. What the hell are you doing?

237
00:09:45,277 --> 00:09:47,445
I thought I was hitching a
ride to Rikers so we could

238
00:09:47,529 --> 00:09:49,030
interview some convicts I put away,

239
00:09:49,114 --> 00:09:51,365
but apparently you're still
wasting time investigating me.

240
00:09:51,449 --> 00:09:54,242
Hey, it's your fault we have to
check up on your power outages.

241
00:09:54,326 --> 00:09:56,786
You have three mini-fridges
plugged into the same outlet.

242
00:09:56,870 --> 00:09:58,871
Three mini-fridges are
cheaper than one regular one.

243
00:09:58,955 --> 00:10:01,248
We're just doing our jobs.
Why don't you trust us?

244
00:10:01,332 --> 00:10:04,375
How can I? You didn't even know a
man was lying in the backseat of your car.

245
00:10:04,459 --> 00:10:06,836
And while you two
were busy lolly-gargling,

246
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,295
I'm not familiar with the expression,

247
00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:10,839
I was investigating.
I'll send you some selfies.

248
00:10:10,923 --> 00:10:12,132
Look, we're gonna get to your list.

249
00:10:12,216 --> 00:10:13,799
We just have to rule out
other possibilities first.

250
00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:16,719
You know, there is a real
chance that no one is after you.

251
00:10:16,803 --> 00:10:19,179
Yeah, but I'm telling you that someone is.
That should be enough.

252
00:10:19,263 --> 00:10:21,848
And we told you to trust us.
That should be enough.

253
00:10:21,932 --> 00:10:24,141
All right, fine. You don't want my help?
You're not gonna get it.

254
00:10:24,225 --> 00:10:25,309
Dude.

255
00:10:26,644 --> 00:10:29,020
In fact, I'm deleting your
numbers from my phone.

256
00:10:29,104 --> 00:10:30,229
Just let us take you home.

257
00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:31,356
See you never.

258
00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:33,023
Fine.

259
00:10:37,318 --> 00:10:39,236
Where am I?

260
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,154
[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC TINKLING]

261
00:10:45,825 --> 00:10:48,828
Hmm. Hello, Peralta.

262
00:10:51,579 --> 00:10:54,956
Geoffrey Hoytsman?
You're the one who's been sabotaging me?

263
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,210
I'm just ruining your
life like you ruined mine.

264
00:10:58,294 --> 00:10:59,835
You never should have arrested me.

265
00:10:59,919 --> 00:11:02,129
But I basically got your
cocaine charges dropped.

266
00:11:02,213 --> 00:11:04,173
You only had to do 40
hours of community service.

267
00:11:04,257 --> 00:11:06,758
Right, but I wanted to
get them all done at once.

268
00:11:06,842 --> 00:11:10,010
So, for energy, I did way
too much cocaine and meth.

269
00:11:10,094 --> 00:11:12,095
Went on a prolonged psychotic episode,

270
00:11:12,179 --> 00:11:15,139
involving assault, public
fornication and apparently,

271
00:11:15,223 --> 00:11:18,017
the touching of my scrotum to
every doorknob in a synagogue.

272
00:11:18,101 --> 00:11:19,392
And you know what happened then?

273
00:11:19,476 --> 00:11:21,519
They thoroughly cleaned the
synagogue, you landed on your feet,

274
00:11:21,603 --> 00:11:23,229
and pursued your true
passion of selling ice cream?

275
00:11:23,313 --> 00:11:24,605
None of that.

276
00:11:24,689 --> 00:11:27,275
I lost my job, my wife, my home.

277
00:11:27,442 --> 00:11:28,858
An ex-client lent me this truck.

278
00:11:28,942 --> 00:11:31,361
He likes me because I got him
off on a strangle-and-mangle.

279
00:11:31,445 --> 00:11:32,861
Ew. You have a phrase for that?

280
00:11:32,945 --> 00:11:35,114
I used to, when I was an awesome lawyer.

281
00:11:35,281 --> 00:11:37,615
Now I'm just another idiot
living in an ice cream truck.

282
00:11:37,699 --> 00:11:39,533
So that's why you put drugs in my urine.

283
00:11:39,617 --> 00:11:43,286
Hey, that was my urine.
Your urine is in there.

284
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,746
Why would you keep my pee?

285
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:47,665
I need belongings, Jake.
To feel like a man.

286
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,500
Great.
Look, this is a bad idea, Hoytsman.

287
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,459
People are gonna notice if I disappear.

288
00:11:51,543 --> 00:11:53,544
-[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-See? Someone's already looking for me.

289
00:11:53,628 --> 00:11:55,463
You're in big trouble, buddy.

290
00:11:55,547 --> 00:11:59,341
[LAUGHS] Your e-coupon for
Big Mike's Calzones expires today.

291
00:11:59,425 --> 00:12:01,550
You're damn right.
And if I don't redeem that,

292
00:12:01,634 --> 00:12:04,053
Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.

293
00:12:04,137 --> 00:12:07,389
Big Mike is a cartoon,
with pizzas for eyes.

294
00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:11,141
All right, fine.
Maybe not Big Mike, but someone will.

295
00:12:11,225 --> 00:12:12,851
Shut up, Peralta!

296
00:12:12,935 --> 00:12:14,186
Oh, boy.

297
00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:18,731
Captain Holt, here's
your CompStat report.

298
00:12:18,815 --> 00:12:20,565
This is how I move now.

299
00:12:20,649 --> 00:12:24,902
Walking is too close to dancing
and there is no more dance in me.

300
00:12:24,986 --> 00:12:27,738
Plus, I'm hoping my
leg muscles will atrophy

301
00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:29,698
so I won't be tempted to use them.

302
00:12:34,369 --> 00:12:35,411
[DOOR CLOSES]

303
00:12:35,536 --> 00:12:38,621
I bet you feel real good about
calling her dancing a hobby, huh?

304
00:12:38,705 --> 00:12:42,208
Sarcasm. The coward's lie.
I don't get it.

305
00:12:42,292 --> 00:12:43,959
Gina's always so sure of herself.

306
00:12:44,043 --> 00:12:46,503
She usually doesn't care at all
what people say or think about her.

307
00:12:46,587 --> 00:12:48,754
Maybe not with most people, Captain.

308
00:12:48,838 --> 00:12:50,590
But she cares what you think.

309
00:12:52,925 --> 00:12:54,884
Fine. I regret what I said.

310
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:57,386
But now, I don't know how
to make it right with her.

311
00:12:57,470 --> 00:12:58,846
Lie!

312
00:12:58,971 --> 00:13:01,931
Yesterday, I told my twins
there were baby bunnies

313
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,850
in their stomachs to
get them to eat lettuce.

314
00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:04,976
And that worked?

315
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:07,561
Yeah, but then they
refused to drink their milk

316
00:13:07,645 --> 00:13:09,313
because they thought
the bunnies would drown.

317
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,606
So I bought a couple
rabbits and told the girls that

318
00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:14,400
they hopped out of their
mouths while they slept.

319
00:13:14,484 --> 00:13:15,568
I've lost track of your point.

320
00:13:15,652 --> 00:13:19,071
They ate their lettuce, I'm stuck
with two bunnies, and lying works!

321
00:13:22,657 --> 00:13:23,825
[GROANING]

322
00:13:26,326 --> 00:13:28,911
Pretty good gag, huh?
Prostitute taught me how to make it.

323
00:13:28,995 --> 00:13:32,080
[SIGHS] Where were you?
You were gone for three hours.

324
00:13:32,164 --> 00:13:34,915
I know, because I sang <i>This
is How We Do It</i> 143 times.

325
00:13:34,999 --> 00:13:37,626
Okay, well, I had to grab a
few things at the art supply store.

326
00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:39,753
Kidnapping is 90% crafting.

327
00:13:39,837 --> 00:13:42,213
Jake, you're gonna
help me get my life back.

328
00:13:42,297 --> 00:13:44,548
You're gonna confess,
on video, to framing me

329
00:13:44,632 --> 00:13:45,966
for everything that got me in trouble.

330
00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:47,426
And why would I do that?

331
00:13:47,510 --> 00:13:49,536
Because I'm high on
bath salts, emotionally

332
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,387
unstable, and pointing a gun at you.

333
00:13:51,471 --> 00:13:52,639
Let's make a movie!

334
00:13:53,848 --> 00:13:56,767
Hey, Boyle, guess who
caught the Tim O's Limos perp?

335
00:13:56,851 --> 00:13:59,435
[SIGHS] Jake? Is Jake back?

336
00:13:59,519 --> 00:14:02,938
No, we did. Scully and Hitchcock.
Signed confession.

337
00:14:03,856 --> 00:14:06,107
You called us useless.
You called us incompetent.

338
00:14:06,191 --> 00:14:07,858
You called us zeroes in the sack.

339
00:14:07,942 --> 00:14:10,695
Never happened.
Well, someone said it to me last night.

340
00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:12,704
Oh, uh, must have been my wife.

341
00:14:13,447 --> 00:14:14,947
How did you solve the case?

342
00:14:15,031 --> 00:14:16,782
We listened to those voice
mails again and noticed

343
00:14:16,866 --> 00:14:18,492
the sound of parrots in the background.

344
00:14:18,576 --> 00:14:20,566
Got a list of employees,
did door duty, asking

345
00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:22,453
neighbors if any of them kept pet birds.

346
00:14:22,537 --> 00:14:25,456
We finally found one
who did and guess what?

347
00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:28,458
The landscaping in front of his
building was covered with these.

348
00:14:28,542 --> 00:14:31,210
The same type of rock that
was thrown through the window.

349
00:14:31,294 --> 00:14:34,797
I can't believe it. What, you don't
think it can break one? Watch.

350
00:14:35,214 --> 00:14:36,339
[GLASS SHATTERS]

351
00:14:36,882 --> 00:14:38,841
I meant I can't believe
you solved the case.

352
00:14:38,925 --> 00:14:40,625
Well, you were wrong on that, too.

353
00:14:43,053 --> 00:14:47,932
"Hi, my name is Jake Peralta
and this is my confession.

354
00:14:48,016 --> 00:14:51,643
"I destroyed the good name of an
American hero, Geoffrey Hoytsman."

355
00:14:51,727 --> 00:14:53,145
Nice.

356
00:14:54,062 --> 00:14:55,813
"I framed him for drug possession,

357
00:14:55,897 --> 00:14:57,314
"I got him fired from his job,

358
00:14:57,398 --> 00:15:00,733
"and I planted his scrotal prints
on the synagogue doorknobs."

359
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,152
Great.
Now, just 80 more confessions to go.

360
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,695
You've been very naughty.

361
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,156
"I threatened to blow
Mr. Hoytsman's head off

362
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:12,494
"if he didn't quote-unquote really
cheap out on his dad's funeral.

363
00:15:13,036 --> 00:15:16,287
"And while he slept, I logged
into Hoytsman's computer

364
00:15:16,371 --> 00:15:19,540
"and flooded it with Thai pornography.
Starts crying."

365
00:15:19,624 --> 00:15:22,458
"Starts crying" is a stage
direction, you imbecile!

366
00:15:22,542 --> 00:15:26,421
"Also, I fathered two children
with Hoytsman's cleaning lady,

367
00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:28,088
"and it was I, disguised as Geoffrey,

368
00:15:28,172 --> 00:15:30,922
"who spoke against her at
her political asylum hearing."

369
00:15:31,091 --> 00:15:32,133
God.

370
00:15:32,217 --> 00:15:33,718
You did it, not me.

371
00:15:34,469 --> 00:15:37,262
"I am a horrible person
who has done horrible things

372
00:15:37,346 --> 00:15:39,597
"to a truly decent man.

373
00:15:39,681 --> 00:15:42,891
"Which is why I've
decided to take my own life."

374
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,518
Wait. No. I didn't decide that.

375
00:15:44,602 --> 00:15:45,645
Spoiler alert!

376
00:15:47,562 --> 00:15:49,439
<i>Decided to take my own life.</i>

377
00:15:49,523 --> 00:15:51,773
Yes! That last take sounded great!

378
00:15:51,857 --> 00:15:53,900
You really brought my words to life.

379
00:15:53,984 --> 00:15:56,485
You know, I should write more.
What a rush.

380
00:15:56,569 --> 00:15:58,404
Hoytsman, you don't have to do this.

381
00:15:58,488 --> 00:15:59,738
Your life's not so bad.

382
00:15:59,822 --> 00:16:01,906
I mean, living in an ice cream truck?
Never showering?

383
00:16:01,990 --> 00:16:03,199
That was my childhood dream.

384
00:16:03,283 --> 00:16:04,700
I had everything.

385
00:16:04,784 --> 00:16:08,245
I had friends, a wife,
two beautiful children.

386
00:16:08,329 --> 00:16:10,496
Out of three total, not a bad ratio.

387
00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:12,624
And now I have nothing, and no one.

388
00:16:12,749 --> 00:16:15,125
Look, I get it.
I know what that feels like.

389
00:16:15,209 --> 00:16:18,003
You've only lived in an ice
cream truck for part of one day!

390
00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:19,712
How could you possibly know?

391
00:16:19,796 --> 00:16:21,797
Well, I know no one's
coming to rescue me.

392
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:24,257
I was so concerned with
saving myself and my reputation,

393
00:16:24,341 --> 00:16:25,926
I pushed all my friends away.

394
00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:30,179
Wow, sounds like you're
having a breakthrough.

395
00:16:30,263 --> 00:16:31,763
You should act on this.

396
00:16:31,847 --> 00:16:33,697
You still have time to make it right.

397
00:16:34,057 --> 00:16:35,558
Really? You're not gonna kill me?

398
00:16:35,642 --> 00:16:38,560
Oh, jeez. [LAUGHS] I totally forgot.
Thanks for reminding me.

399
00:16:38,644 --> 00:16:40,061
Of course I'm gonna kill you.

400
00:16:40,145 --> 00:16:42,563
Drugs make me say such silly things.

401
00:16:42,647 --> 00:16:43,939
Drugs are so silly.

402
00:16:44,023 --> 00:16:46,276
Ooh, I'm gonna do some right now.

403
00:16:47,150 --> 00:16:48,234
Hoytsman. What?

404
00:16:48,318 --> 00:16:52,738
Oh! Ah! That's my nose!
That's where I put the drugs in!

405
00:16:52,822 --> 00:16:53,990
[YELLS]

406
00:16:55,324 --> 00:16:56,741
[GROANS]

407
00:16:56,825 --> 00:16:58,409
So long, Hoytsman.

408
00:16:58,493 --> 00:17:00,244
[YELLS]

409
00:17:00,328 --> 00:17:03,914
I can't move! I'm turtling! I'm turtling!

410
00:17:03,998 --> 00:17:06,832
Nice try, Jake. Get up!

411
00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:08,042
I can't.

412
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:10,961
Oh. Yeah, okay. My bad.

413
00:17:12,629 --> 00:17:13,755
What's this?

414
00:17:14,172 --> 00:17:17,883
I'm selling my smoke machine,
glitter cannon, and castanets.

415
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:22,053
I would have put my soul on there, but
that was shredded along with my spandies.

416
00:17:22,137 --> 00:17:23,846
Gina, I want to tell you something.

417
00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:27,807
Dancing is more than just a hobby for you.
It's a profession.

418
00:17:27,891 --> 00:17:29,767
Oh, so, you're a liar like Terry now?

419
00:17:29,851 --> 00:17:32,019
No, I'm no bunny-buying coward.

420
00:17:32,103 --> 00:17:34,020
You are a professional dancer.

421
00:17:34,104 --> 00:17:37,774
Because I'm paying Dancy
Reagan to perform two shows

422
00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:40,025
at our at-risk youth program.

423
00:17:40,109 --> 00:17:41,735
Congratulations.

424
00:17:41,819 --> 00:17:45,947
Thank you, Captain.
You just made me the happiest,

425
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:47,906
prettiest, most
talented girl in the world.

426
00:17:47,990 --> 00:17:49,908
This is the best $8,000 you ever spent.

427
00:17:49,992 --> 00:17:51,493
It's $200.

428
00:17:51,577 --> 00:17:53,661
I'm sure you're good for the rest.

429
00:17:53,995 --> 00:17:56,289
Captain loves my dancing.

430
00:18:01,293 --> 00:18:02,417
[GROANS]

431
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:04,253
This is why you're alone, Jake.

432
00:18:04,337 --> 00:18:07,004
We were bonding, talking about our pain.

433
00:18:07,088 --> 00:18:08,631
And you pull a stunt like that?

434
00:18:08,715 --> 00:18:09,840
You were gonna kill me.

435
00:18:09,924 --> 00:18:11,591
Deflect, deflect, deflect.

436
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:13,593
This is why everyone hates you.

437
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:15,470
-[KNOCKING]
-WOMAN: You open?

438
00:18:15,554 --> 00:18:18,765
Okay, you keep it shut.
I really need this sale.

439
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,391
Okay. All right.

440
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,476
Hello. Whoa!

441
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,852
[CRIES] Ow. Don't hurt me,

442
00:18:25,936 --> 00:18:27,604
I'm someone's little boy!

443
00:18:27,688 --> 00:18:29,439
Geoffrey Hoytsman, you're under arrest.

444
00:18:29,523 --> 00:18:30,731
Ow.

445
00:18:30,815 --> 00:18:33,568
Oh, I am so relieved you guys found me.

446
00:18:34,027 --> 00:18:35,402
Wait. How did you find me?

447
00:18:35,486 --> 00:18:37,070
You hadn't done anything
super annoying to us for, like,

448
00:18:37,154 --> 00:18:38,738
five hours, so we knew
something was wrong.

449
00:18:38,822 --> 00:18:41,615
Oh. That's very insulting but dead on.

450
00:18:41,699 --> 00:18:44,118
We looked through those
irritating selfies you sent us,

451
00:18:44,202 --> 00:18:46,494
and in the background of three
of them was an ice cream truck.

452
00:18:46,578 --> 00:18:48,538
We ran the plates and put out an APB.

453
00:18:48,622 --> 00:18:50,455
I'm sorry we doubted
anybody was sabotaging you.

454
00:18:50,539 --> 00:18:52,291
No, I'm the one who should apologize.

455
00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:53,666
For some reason, I have trouble believing

456
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:55,167
people actually have my back.

457
00:18:55,251 --> 00:18:56,460
I don't know why.

458
00:18:56,544 --> 00:18:58,254
Probably my dad abandoning me.

459
00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:00,422
Maybe something I
should work out in therapy.

460
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:03,382
But who has an hour to spare
once every two weeks, right?

461
00:19:03,466 --> 00:19:04,633
[LAUGHS]

462
00:19:04,717 --> 00:19:07,303
Anyways, I'm sorry I
acted like a jackass.

463
00:19:07,387 --> 00:19:09,596
Wow, Jake, you're so
sincere since you got off coke.

464
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,431
And meth. That was the hard one to kick.

465
00:19:11,515 --> 00:19:13,807
No, the hard one to kick is angel dust.

466
00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:16,268
Which is why I'm locked in for life. Hmm.

467
00:19:18,353 --> 00:19:20,479
Hey, I double-checked your evidence.

468
00:19:20,563 --> 00:19:22,188
Everything looks good. Huh.

469
00:19:22,272 --> 00:19:24,983
I've got to say, you guys are good cops.

470
00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:26,900
Yeah, no doy.

471
00:19:26,984 --> 00:19:28,902
How do you think we got
to be the oldest guys here?

472
00:19:28,986 --> 00:19:31,738
By never being promoted and
losing all your money to divorces?

473
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:33,156
And bad investments.

474
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,575
Anyway, I'm sorry
for calling you useless.

475
00:19:35,659 --> 00:19:37,409
And I'm gonna make sure
everyone knows you did good.

476
00:19:37,493 --> 00:19:38,744
Boyle, please don't. Don't?

477
00:19:38,828 --> 00:19:41,621
The last thing we need is to
suddenly be on everyone's A-list.

478
00:19:41,705 --> 00:19:43,831
The ones to watch. The golden boys.

479
00:19:43,915 --> 00:19:45,041
A pair of red hot dicks.

480
00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:46,583
No one calls detectives that anymore.

481
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,959
People call detectives that?

482
00:19:48,043 --> 00:19:50,169
All that investigating was exhausting.

483
00:19:50,253 --> 00:19:52,463
Besides, we did our share
of that in the '70s and '80s.

484
00:19:52,547 --> 00:19:55,257
Now we like to do
paperwork in our comfy chairs.

485
00:19:55,382 --> 00:19:56,924
If we're away from
our desks for too long,

486
00:19:57,008 --> 00:19:59,758
they'll update our computers
and we'll lose <i>Minesweeper.</i>

487
00:20:00,428 --> 00:20:04,055
So please, don't tell anyone about
the amazing work we did today.

488
00:20:04,139 --> 00:20:07,642
I never said amazing.
Kind of just did your jobs.

489
00:20:07,726 --> 00:20:09,351
There you go.

490
00:20:09,435 --> 00:20:11,686
No, really.
I mean, you also broke a window.

491
00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:13,604
Now you get it.

492
00:20:17,024 --> 00:20:18,524
Your suspension has been lifted, Peralta.

493
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:20,026
Well, that's great news, sir.

494
00:20:20,110 --> 00:20:22,528
And now, it is time for
the traditional handing back

495
00:20:22,612 --> 00:20:24,529
of gun and badge to the
vindicated hero ceremony.

496
00:20:24,613 --> 00:20:25,781
Everyone in!

497
00:20:25,865 --> 00:20:27,782
I don't have your gun or your badge.

498
00:20:27,866 --> 00:20:30,868
Just take form 891_J
down to the equipment room

499
00:20:30,952 --> 00:20:32,410
and retrieve your things there.

500
00:20:32,494 --> 00:20:34,287
I'm sorry, but that's unacceptable.

501
00:20:34,371 --> 00:20:36,831
Come on, Captain.
I need this. We all need this.

502
00:20:36,915 --> 00:20:37,956
[ALL AGREEING]

503
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:42,085
Fine. Fine. If this will make you happy.

504
00:20:42,919 --> 00:20:46,256
[SIGHS] I believe these belong to you.

505
00:20:46,964 --> 00:20:48,006
Congratulations.

506
00:20:48,090 --> 00:20:49,550
[CHEERING]

507
00:20:50,551 --> 00:20:51,926
That's very nice. Thank you.

508
00:20:52,010 --> 00:20:54,095
But as I've said before,
the system stinks

509
00:20:54,179 --> 00:20:55,305
and this isn't over.

510
00:20:55,430 --> 00:20:58,015
I say we march down to City Hall.

511
00:20:58,140 --> 00:20:59,975
Get out of my office. Yep.