1
00:00:02,066 --> 00:00:04,568
Ant. Ant. Ant. Ant.
2
00:00:04,652 --> 00:00:05,694
Ant. Ant.
3
00:00:05,778 --> 00:00:06,987
God, they're everywhere.
4
00:00:07,071 --> 00:00:09,921
Are we sure that we've cleaned
up all the food and crumbs?
5
00:00:10,616 --> 00:00:12,324
Why is everyone looking at us?
6
00:00:12,408 --> 00:00:13,867
We're the ones who eat up all the crumbs.
7
00:00:13,951 --> 00:00:15,369
Yeah. We're the solution.
8
00:00:15,453 --> 00:00:18,790
Well, there are no ants on my
desk because I sanitize it daily.
9
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What do you call that?
Ahhh! Those are your ants!
10
00:00:21,834 --> 00:00:24,169
They're using a monitor
cable as a land bridge!
11
00:00:24,253 --> 00:00:25,380
Gah!
12
00:00:26,214 --> 00:00:27,881
Now they're destroying our technology.
13
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This is an invasion.
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They're in my yogurt. Now it's personal.
15
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All right, that's it.
We have got to fight back.
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00:00:34,388 --> 00:00:35,597
This is our planet!
17
00:00:35,681 --> 00:00:37,682
Just use Boyle's cologne.
It's repulsive to everything.
18
00:00:37,766 --> 00:00:41,561
Not cool! You're going to Penn
Station and buying me a new one.
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The ant infestation?
20
00:00:42,938 --> 00:00:44,647
It's bad. They bite now, sir.
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I think they're just trying to avoid the
cold weather. We should freeze them out.
22
00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:50,404
[WIND HOWLS]
23
00:00:50,529 --> 00:00:52,071
The plan is working, Captain!
24
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Yes. We won.
25
00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:56,491
Oh, my God. They're in the coats.
26
00:00:56,575 --> 00:00:58,494
They're in our coats!
27
00:00:59,495 --> 00:01:01,497
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
28
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Okay. I don't want Sophia to know
29
00:01:22,142 --> 00:01:23,559
that I'm waiting for her, so…
30
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Should we pretend to have
a heated argument that I win?
31
00:01:26,479 --> 00:01:29,148
Ooh, or better yet, a
physical contest that I win.
32
00:01:29,232 --> 00:01:30,316
What's going on?
33
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,693
I thought things were good
with you and Sophia. Mmm.
34
00:01:32,777 --> 00:01:34,487
Jake, did you do something dumb?
35
00:01:34,571 --> 00:01:37,031
That's a really good question,
but actually, no, I don't think so.
36
00:01:37,115 --> 00:01:39,324
It's just been a little weird lately.
She's acting kind of distant.
37
00:01:39,408 --> 00:01:40,492
Have you talked to her?
38
00:01:40,576 --> 00:01:41,743
No, I don't want to seem desperate.
39
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:42,911
Talking to her is desperate?
40
00:01:42,995 --> 00:01:44,746
Well, it's not breezy.
41
00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:47,040
SOPHIA: Jake! Hey.
42
00:01:47,124 --> 00:01:48,333
What are you guys doing here?
43
00:01:48,417 --> 00:01:50,126
Oh, just arguing about America.
44
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,920
Did you know that the Sarge
doesn't think we should have
45
00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:54,881
given women the right to vote?
That is not true.
46
00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:56,466
Oh, sure, you say that
now that she's here.
47
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,760
But hey, now that we've
accidentally bumped into each other…
48
00:01:58,844 --> 00:02:00,094
What are you doing tonight?
You want to hang out?
49
00:02:00,178 --> 00:02:01,595
Oh, I can't. I have that event
50
00:02:01,679 --> 00:02:03,347
for the Association of the
Brooklyn Public Defenders?
51
00:02:03,431 --> 00:02:06,809
Remember, you called it Satan's
Charity Ball: Rise of the Demons.
52
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:07,935
Oh, yeah.
53
00:02:08,019 --> 00:02:10,188
Defense attorneys are monsters. Uh…
54
00:02:10,772 --> 00:02:13,023
Oh, except for you. You're fine.
55
00:02:13,107 --> 00:02:15,359
Oh, that's… So sweet. Nice, right?
56
00:02:15,443 --> 00:02:17,736
But I have a minute right now.
You want to go take a walk in the park?
57
00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:19,697
Oh, a walk in the park. How romantic!
58
00:02:19,781 --> 00:02:21,197
And I know where all
the murder spots are.
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00:02:21,281 --> 00:02:22,782
Oh.
Do you want to see them or avoid them?
60
00:02:22,866 --> 00:02:26,452
The choice is yours, my lady.
Terry, don't wait up.
61
00:02:26,536 --> 00:02:28,288
-It's 10 a.m.
-Yep.
62
00:02:29,456 --> 00:02:32,041
Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.
63
00:02:32,125 --> 00:02:34,001
Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness
64
00:02:34,085 --> 00:02:35,253
in case her head starts spinning around
65
00:02:35,337 --> 00:02:36,838
or she turns into a she-wolf.
66
00:02:36,963 --> 00:02:38,047
Hello, Raymond.
67
00:02:38,131 --> 00:02:41,718
No flaccid rejoinder.
Hmm. What's going on?
68
00:02:41,802 --> 00:02:43,385
I'm here on important business.
69
00:02:43,469 --> 00:02:46,680
I'm a frontrunner for a job
in the Boston PD. Boston?
70
00:02:46,764 --> 00:02:48,682
But it's so close to Salem.
71
00:02:48,766 --> 00:02:50,809
You do know what they do
to witches up there, don't you?
72
00:02:50,893 --> 00:02:51,935
This is amazing.
73
00:02:52,019 --> 00:02:53,645
The job is Chief of Police.
74
00:02:53,729 --> 00:02:56,315
I see. So, you've come to brag.
75
00:02:56,649 --> 00:02:57,733
No.
76
00:02:59,276 --> 00:03:01,528
The only blemish on my
record is our long history
77
00:03:01,612 --> 00:03:03,655
of interpersonal turbulence.
78
00:03:03,739 --> 00:03:06,789
The Boston Commissioner would
like to speak with you about it.
79
00:03:07,617 --> 00:03:09,910
I've come to ask for your help.
80
00:03:09,994 --> 00:03:12,894
The Commissioner will be calling..
. Wait, wait. Shh! Shh!
81
00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:17,126
Ah, moment savored.
82
00:03:17,210 --> 00:03:19,462
So, where were we?
Ah, yes. You were talking
83
00:03:19,546 --> 00:03:22,006
about how I hold your
fate in the palm of my hand.
84
00:03:23,925 --> 00:03:25,134
GINA: Oopsie.
85
00:03:25,218 --> 00:03:26,718
Oh, my God!
86
00:03:27,803 --> 00:03:30,222
Oh, I'm sorry. I lost my balance.
87
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,807
You think I'm bothered
by a little spilled milkshake?
88
00:03:32,891 --> 00:03:34,726
I'm a food blogger. I'm stained all over.
89
00:03:34,810 --> 00:03:37,228
Okay, what is going on with you two?
90
00:03:37,312 --> 00:03:39,606
Well, you know how our parents
have been tender sexing each other?
91
00:03:39,690 --> 00:03:41,816
Ew. Precisely, Amy. Ew.
92
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:43,485
Boyle and I made a pact to break them up,
93
00:03:43,569 --> 00:03:46,780
and now this sticky little
gummy bear is backing out.
94
00:03:46,864 --> 00:03:48,864
Look, I know you don't
want our lives intertwined.
95
00:03:48,948 --> 00:03:50,032
But things have changed.
96
00:03:50,116 --> 00:03:51,992
My father wants to marry your mom.
97
00:03:52,076 --> 00:03:56,038
So, you choose your dad over
me, your co-worker who hates you.
98
00:03:56,122 --> 00:03:59,500
Papa's a gentleman. He won't
propose until he gets Gina's blessing,
99
00:03:59,584 --> 00:04:01,001
and she won't give it to him.
100
00:04:01,085 --> 00:04:03,045
Who says "Papa?"
Are you a little French boy?
101
00:04:03,129 --> 00:04:04,254
Uh-huh-huh-huh.
102
00:04:04,338 --> 00:04:05,547
I think maybe I can help.
103
00:04:05,631 --> 00:04:09,135
I took a seminar on conflict resolution.
And…
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00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:12,512
I have been waiting weeks
105
00:04:12,596 --> 00:04:14,389
to bust this bad boy out.
106
00:04:14,764 --> 00:04:17,433
[SNIFFS] Mmm. New binder smell.
107
00:04:17,517 --> 00:04:19,227
Mmm-mmm. Amy, don't do this.
108
00:04:19,311 --> 00:04:21,461
I'm going to throw a
milkshake in your face.
109
00:04:23,565 --> 00:04:26,192
This is nice. I feel like old people.
110
00:04:26,276 --> 00:04:28,069
[CHUCKLES] Should we sit here?
111
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:32,031
Um. Jake, there's something
I want to talk to you about.
112
00:04:32,197 --> 00:04:35,325
So, my boss hasn't been
assigning me any of the good cases,
113
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,744
and I found out it's
because I'm dating a cop.
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00:04:37,828 --> 00:04:39,871
What? Did he actually say that?
115
00:04:39,955 --> 00:04:41,873
No, but my colleagues did.
116
00:04:41,957 --> 00:04:44,857
You know, everybody I work
with think of cops as the enemy.
117
00:04:45,044 --> 00:04:46,628
That's crazy! They're the enemy.
118
00:04:46,712 --> 00:04:47,755
I see what you mean.
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00:04:48,297 --> 00:04:49,673
Jake, I really like you.
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00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,468
But my job's really important to me, too.
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00:04:53,343 --> 00:04:55,135
Can we press pause on this?
122
00:04:55,219 --> 00:04:56,303
Press pause?
123
00:04:56,387 --> 00:04:58,472
Just until I figure out
what to do with my boss.
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00:04:58,556 --> 00:04:59,641
Is that okay?
125
00:05:00,642 --> 00:05:03,435
So, this is just about your boss? Okay.
126
00:05:03,519 --> 00:05:04,854
Yes, let's press pause.
127
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,814
Let's pause the hell out of this.
128
00:05:06,898 --> 00:05:09,650
Let's pause this like I paused
Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places.
129
00:05:09,734 --> 00:05:11,402
I haven't seen that movie,
but I'm assuming she's naked?
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00:05:11,486 --> 00:05:12,570
Mmm-hmm.
131
00:05:12,904 --> 00:05:15,530
Pause seems bad, Jake.
Why aren't you more upset?
132
00:05:15,989 --> 00:05:18,700
Because Sophia's problem isn't
with me, it's with her dumb boss.
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00:05:18,784 --> 00:05:20,243
That's something I can fix.
134
00:05:20,327 --> 00:05:21,744
I'm going to make him like me. [EXHALES]
135
00:05:21,828 --> 00:05:23,913
Here is the target. Geoffrey Hoytsman.
136
00:05:23,997 --> 00:05:25,999
Now, according to the
internet, his interests are
137
00:05:26,083 --> 00:05:28,418
skiing, his terrier, Atlantic City,
138
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:30,336
the film 12 Years a Slave, and nature.
139
00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:31,880
Obviously, nature is super boring
140
00:05:31,964 --> 00:05:33,923
and the slave film is a little bit dicey.
141
00:05:34,007 --> 00:05:35,425
It's real dicey.
142
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:38,511
Yeah. So, I will focus mainly
on skiing and Atlantic City
143
00:05:38,636 --> 00:05:39,928
when I talk to him tonight at
144
00:05:40,012 --> 00:05:42,598
the fundraiser for the Association
of Brooklyn Public Defenders.
145
00:05:42,682 --> 00:05:44,933
AKA The Chamber of Asses.
146
00:05:45,017 --> 00:05:47,269
No, wait, that's too sexy.
The Chamber of Snakes!
147
00:05:47,353 --> 00:05:50,022
Anyway, it starts at 8:00, so
you should probably get dressed.
148
00:05:50,106 --> 00:05:52,274
What? I am not going to that.
149
00:05:52,358 --> 00:05:55,986
Please, Sarge? Just come.
Do it for me. Do it for love?
150
00:05:56,070 --> 00:05:59,405
Damn, Jake.
You know Terry loves love. I'm in.
151
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:01,657
All right!
Now, put on your phoniest smile,
152
00:06:01,741 --> 00:06:04,041
'cause we're going into
the belly of the beast.
153
00:06:04,369 --> 00:06:05,620
Phonier.
154
00:06:05,704 --> 00:06:06,954
Phonier!
155
00:06:07,038 --> 00:06:08,748
Ah, there it is. Into the beast!
156
00:06:09,082 --> 00:06:11,876
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
157
00:06:20,884 --> 00:06:22,844
All of our worst enemies are here.
158
00:06:22,928 --> 00:06:25,055
Brown hair guy, pony tail lady.
159
00:06:25,139 --> 00:06:26,682
Asian Don Cheadle.
160
00:06:26,890 --> 00:06:29,476
I refuse to learn their names
because it humanizes them.
161
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,062
But you'll never forget
their smug lawyer faces.
162
00:06:32,146 --> 00:06:34,981
Each one brings back a
specific horrible memory.
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00:06:35,065 --> 00:06:36,816
Like courtroom PTSD.
164
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:39,361
[SLOW MOTION] Incompetent!
165
00:06:39,445 --> 00:06:41,278
[SLOW MOTION] Idiot!
166
00:06:41,362 --> 00:06:43,530
[SLOW MOTION] Mint?
167
00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:45,199
I could have choked on that mint!
168
00:06:45,283 --> 00:06:47,409
Even the nice ones are psychopaths.
169
00:06:47,493 --> 00:06:49,536
All right, let's get fired up.
Pound on my shoulders.
170
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:51,538
That's my stuff.
Wait, wait, no, don't hurt me!
171
00:06:51,622 --> 00:06:54,472
That was a bad idea.
I'll bang my own shoulders. Let's go.
172
00:06:55,752 --> 00:06:57,044
HOLT: Detective. Have a seat.
173
00:06:57,128 --> 00:07:00,422
I'm grappling with a
highly vexing conundrum.
174
00:07:00,506 --> 00:07:02,840
What to do about Deputy Chief Wuntch?
Precisely.
175
00:07:02,924 --> 00:07:04,717
I could torpedo her promotion.
176
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:07,387
Just saying it brims my soul with joy.
177
00:07:07,471 --> 00:07:10,682
But to do so would mean that
she stays here in New York City,
178
00:07:10,766 --> 00:07:14,227
hanging over me like an albino bat.
179
00:07:14,311 --> 00:07:17,105
On the other hand, if I "praise" Wuntch,
180
00:07:17,189 --> 00:07:19,357
she will leave the
city, the clouds will part,
181
00:07:19,441 --> 00:07:21,442
and the children will
sing Wuntch is Gone.
182
00:07:21,526 --> 00:07:23,778
What children? All the children.
183
00:07:23,862 --> 00:07:25,237
Right, that was a stupid question.
184
00:07:25,321 --> 00:07:26,947
What was Sarge's advice?
185
00:07:27,031 --> 00:07:28,907
Oh, you and I both know
what Mother Jeffords would say.
186
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,283
Take the high road.
187
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:34,538
But I asked you, Detective
Diaz, because you understand…
188
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,581
Vengeance.
189
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,292
Yes, I do.
190
00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:40,919
I had a nemesis once.
191
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,337
Carla Bianci. Mmm.
192
00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:43,755
She wronged me.
193
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:48,093
And I crushed her like a
gnat between my fingers.
194
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,011
I got her suspended
from the second grade.
195
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,137
Second grade?
196
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,681
That little turd hoarded
all the good markers.
197
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,975
But eventually, she came back to school
198
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:59,979
and she made the next 10 years of my life
199
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,648
miserable.
200
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,107
It's not worth it.
201
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:06,277
Be nice to Wuntch.
202
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,237
You may go now.
203
00:08:09,196 --> 00:08:10,322
Mother Diaz.
204
00:08:14,868 --> 00:08:17,538
I hate this. Everyone is looking at us.
205
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:20,165
Only because we're equally
massive, beautiful men in tuxes.
206
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:21,458
Mmm.
207
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:22,751
Sophia!
208
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:26,087
Hey, girlfriend!
209
00:08:26,171 --> 00:08:27,964
That came out saucier
than I was expecting.
210
00:08:28,048 --> 00:08:31,008
Yeah. Hey, Jake. What are you doing here?
211
00:08:31,092 --> 00:08:32,801
I thought we agreed to press pause.
212
00:08:32,885 --> 00:08:35,554
We did. I'm not here to see you.
I'm here to see your boss,
213
00:08:35,638 --> 00:08:37,347
Geoffrey Hoytsman. We're going to bond.
214
00:08:37,431 --> 00:08:39,141
Oh, God. Oh, good, indeed.
215
00:08:39,225 --> 00:08:40,726
You misheard me on purpose. Possibly.
216
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:41,894
Look, I'm gonna charm him.
217
00:08:41,978 --> 00:08:43,645
He's going to start giving
you the good cases again.
218
00:08:43,729 --> 00:08:46,190
This is going to work. No, it's not.
219
00:08:46,774 --> 00:08:47,900
Look, how can I explain this?
220
00:08:47,984 --> 00:08:51,819
Oh, okay. Imagine this room
is full of super intelligent robots…
221
00:08:51,903 --> 00:08:53,988
Oh…hell bent on ending humanity
222
00:08:54,072 --> 00:08:56,657
and you are a working class human
who just entered the swarm hive.
223
00:08:56,741 --> 00:08:59,202
Okay. Love this. Love you. Keep going.
224
00:08:59,327 --> 00:09:02,205
It's a really weird moment to
say you love me for the first time.
225
00:09:02,289 --> 00:09:03,539
Oh, no. Was it?
226
00:09:03,623 --> 00:09:05,249
I'm just going to blow past that. Yeah.
227
00:09:05,333 --> 00:09:07,710
Look, the point is,
you can't charm robots.
228
00:09:07,794 --> 00:09:10,588
So, you should go before they
pod you and harvest your brain.
229
00:09:10,672 --> 00:09:13,715
Look, I've done my research on Hoytsman.
Skiing, nature,
230
00:09:13,799 --> 00:09:15,551
Atlantic City. I'm ready for him.
231
00:09:16,051 --> 00:09:18,762
Sophia. Sergeant Jeffords.
232
00:09:18,846 --> 00:09:20,013
Detective Peralta.
233
00:09:20,097 --> 00:09:22,516
Please.
My friends call me Jakey Snowpants.
234
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,978
Because I'm skiing so much.
Carving moguls on a black diamond.
235
00:09:26,103 --> 00:09:27,854
I prefer cross-country skiing.
236
00:09:27,938 --> 00:09:30,315
It's not a sport if gravity
does the work for you.
237
00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:33,568
Yeah. Gravity sucks.
Not the movie, the theory.
238
00:09:33,652 --> 00:09:36,153
Anyway, I've been spending most of
my weekends in Atlantic City these days.
239
00:09:36,237 --> 00:09:38,197
Oh, that place is a dump. Oh.
240
00:09:38,281 --> 00:09:40,681
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need to steal Sophia.
241
00:09:41,743 --> 00:09:43,661
You can't charm the robots.
242
00:09:44,412 --> 00:09:46,330
What in the frig was that?
243
00:09:46,414 --> 00:09:48,249
He's always in Atlantic City.
244
00:09:48,374 --> 00:09:50,167
Why would he go some
place he hates so much?
245
00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:52,294
Unless there was
something there he loves.
246
00:09:52,378 --> 00:09:54,130
I bet he loves gambling.
247
00:09:54,214 --> 00:09:58,174
Just like I'm here in this dump
because of Sophia, who I now love.
248
00:09:58,258 --> 00:09:59,551
You're really going
hard on this love thing.
249
00:09:59,635 --> 00:10:00,969
Well, I said it out loud.
It's on the record.
250
00:10:01,053 --> 00:10:03,303
I can't take it back.
Just get onboard, Terry.
251
00:10:03,847 --> 00:10:04,889
BOYLE: Hello, Gina.
252
00:10:04,973 --> 00:10:07,183
Ugh! What are you creeps doing?
253
00:10:07,267 --> 00:10:09,018
You made me look away from my phone.
254
00:10:09,102 --> 00:10:10,937
You better pray I didn't miss a text.
255
00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:13,064
In the two seconds you looked away?
256
00:10:13,148 --> 00:10:15,984
Seventeen texts. All of them important.
257
00:10:16,109 --> 00:10:17,860
Amy suggested we negotiate terms.
258
00:10:17,944 --> 00:10:20,237
So, if you agree to
give my dad his blessing,
259
00:10:20,321 --> 00:10:21,948
here's what I'll do for you.
260
00:10:22,198 --> 00:10:24,798
You will never see me in
my pajamas on a family trip.
261
00:10:24,951 --> 00:10:26,410
We will never share a bunk bed.
262
00:10:26,494 --> 00:10:27,995
And I won't force you to participate
263
00:10:28,079 --> 00:10:30,747
in our annual themed Christmas cards.
264
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,208
This year, my dad was Mary
and I was the baby Jesus.
265
00:10:33,292 --> 00:10:35,419
Yeah, I know. Got one.
Lived the nightmare.
266
00:10:35,503 --> 00:10:36,545
Ah. Well, the list goes on.
267
00:10:36,629 --> 00:10:37,880
I signed it. Amy notarized it.
268
00:10:37,964 --> 00:10:40,631
I'm a notary. No big deal.
I met the comptroller.
269
00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:44,343
Okay. You know what? This isn't
about our lives getting intertwined. Okay?
270
00:10:44,427 --> 00:10:48,181
I'm actually worried about my
mom because she's been hurt before.
271
00:10:48,265 --> 00:10:50,475
This is all moving way too fast.
272
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,477
Wow. Gina. That's really sweet.
273
00:10:53,561 --> 00:10:57,064
The only reason I didn't tell you guys
is 'cause I don't value you as people.
274
00:10:57,148 --> 00:10:58,774
So, it's like, why be honest?
275
00:10:58,858 --> 00:10:59,984
Right. Yeah, you just went back
276
00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:01,484
-Mmm-hmm.
-and ruined what you said.
277
00:11:01,568 --> 00:11:04,529
Look. I know I'm a stage five player.
278
00:11:04,613 --> 00:11:06,740
Just mowing down chicks left and right.
279
00:11:06,824 --> 00:11:08,074
But my dad's not like that.
280
00:11:08,158 --> 00:11:10,702
He would never hurt your mom.
Just talk to him.
281
00:11:10,786 --> 00:11:11,870
You'll see.
282
00:11:12,997 --> 00:11:14,998
Fine. I'll talk to him.
283
00:11:15,082 --> 00:11:16,499
Just to ask him some questions.
284
00:11:16,583 --> 00:11:17,834
But go get him before I change my mind.
285
00:11:17,918 --> 00:11:19,002
Okay. Okay.
286
00:11:19,086 --> 00:11:21,171
Uh… I already changed my mind. Oh!
287
00:11:21,797 --> 00:11:22,922
All right, I'm back. Oh!
288
00:11:23,006 --> 00:11:24,090
I'm back.
289
00:11:24,507 --> 00:11:26,717
HOYTSMAN: After that, the
judge just threw it out on the spot.
290
00:11:26,801 --> 00:11:28,553
[LAUGHING]
291
00:11:29,304 --> 00:11:31,180
That judge has a deep voice, right?
292
00:11:31,264 --> 00:11:33,264
I'm going to go, uh, check out the food.
293
00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:36,383
Hey. Bet you five bucks you can't guess
294
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:38,855
three of the hors
d'oeuvres they're serving.
295
00:11:41,774 --> 00:11:43,275
I'll take that action.
296
00:11:43,359 --> 00:11:46,110
Chicken satay, tuna tartare,
297
00:11:46,194 --> 00:11:48,279
shot glasses of gazpacho.
298
00:11:48,363 --> 00:11:52,450
PERALTA: Satay, tartare. No 'zpach.
299
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:54,869
Where's the 'zpach, Hoytsman?
300
00:11:54,953 --> 00:11:58,165
Yes! 'Zpach! No!
301
00:11:58,290 --> 00:11:59,416
Well played.
302
00:11:59,791 --> 00:12:01,084
Unless you want to go double or nothing.
303
00:12:01,168 --> 00:12:02,252
I'm listening.
304
00:12:03,962 --> 00:12:06,713
Oh, nothing but glass! [SIGHS]
305
00:12:06,797 --> 00:12:07,881
Oh!
306
00:12:07,965 --> 00:12:10,265
I'll bet you can't guess
how tall the Sarge is.
307
00:12:10,676 --> 00:12:12,511
In eggrolls.
308
00:12:12,762 --> 00:12:17,683
24, exactly 25 eggrolls tall.
309
00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:18,976
Celebration eggroll!
310
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:20,644
Hey, man, that was on the floor.
311
00:12:20,728 --> 00:12:22,062
You're on the floor.
312
00:12:22,146 --> 00:12:26,233
60 bucks says you can't remove one glass
without knocking the whole thing over.
313
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:29,694
You didn't say I
couldn't grab the top one.
314
00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:31,905
Ah!
315
00:12:34,616 --> 00:12:35,700
Yes!
316
00:12:35,784 --> 00:12:38,495
100 bucks says I can jump
from the roof and survive.
317
00:12:39,204 --> 00:12:41,163
Oh, I don't think…
318
00:12:41,247 --> 00:12:42,832
[LAUGHS] Just messing with you, Peralta.
319
00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:44,041
I've got to hit the head.
320
00:12:44,125 --> 00:12:46,043
Ooh. Then, we'll bet on who can
shove more shrimp in his mouth.
321
00:12:46,127 --> 00:12:48,045
You're on. I've got a big mouth, though.
You're in trouble.
322
00:12:48,129 --> 00:12:50,130
Jake. I thought you were leaving.
323
00:12:50,214 --> 00:12:51,381
Were you just talking to Hoytsman?
324
00:12:51,465 --> 00:12:53,425
Talking, bonding, betting.
325
00:12:53,509 --> 00:12:56,136
Ooh. I should bet him that I
can pee for longer than he can.
326
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:58,555
Oh. The trick is to pinch it.
327
00:12:58,639 --> 00:13:00,432
All right, I'll be right back. Oh!
328
00:13:00,516 --> 00:13:02,643
Got to fill up the tank.
329
00:13:04,770 --> 00:13:06,855
Ah. Hello, Geoffrey. Hello!
330
00:13:08,482 --> 00:13:10,317
And that's cocaine.
331
00:13:12,985 --> 00:13:15,321
This night is making
me incredibly anxious.
332
00:13:15,405 --> 00:13:17,031
Oh, hey. Stay close.
333
00:13:17,115 --> 00:13:19,658
Someone messed with the champagne tower.
You're all I've got.
334
00:13:19,742 --> 00:13:21,869
Jake is stupid, but he's smart.
335
00:13:21,953 --> 00:13:24,163
I think his plan is actually working.
336
00:13:24,247 --> 00:13:25,498
Oh, God.
337
00:13:26,082 --> 00:13:28,417
Hey. So, no big deal, but…
338
00:13:28,501 --> 00:13:30,753
I arrested your boss and I
never should have come here.
339
00:13:30,837 --> 00:13:31,962
Well, I read that wrong.
340
00:13:32,046 --> 00:13:35,465
Oh, this is insane. This is so insane.
I wasn't doing anything.
341
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,091
He was snorting cocaine in the bathroom.
342
00:13:37,175 --> 00:13:39,675
Okay. For the last time,
that is not what happened.
343
00:13:39,803 --> 00:13:41,680
And that's cocaine.
344
00:13:41,972 --> 00:13:43,765
Oh, are you sure?
345
00:13:43,849 --> 00:13:45,641
Five dollars says you're wrong.
346
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,352
Let me get in there, take
a good look and smell.
347
00:13:47,436 --> 00:13:49,020
No, don't…
348
00:13:49,521 --> 00:13:50,772
Okay, it was cocaine.
349
00:13:50,856 --> 00:13:53,107
Turns out I was accidentally
doing some cocaine.
350
00:13:53,191 --> 00:13:55,442
Not on accident.
You put it in your nose on purpose.
351
00:13:55,526 --> 00:13:58,111
I don't even think I
have a nose, Peralta.
352
00:13:58,195 --> 00:14:01,198
I certainly cannot feel it!
The defense rests!
353
00:14:01,282 --> 00:14:03,658
Shh, keep your voices down!
What is going on here?
354
00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:04,868
Nothing. Nothing at all.
355
00:14:04,952 --> 00:14:09,707
Sophia's cop boyfriend is arresting
me in front of my friends and colleagues!
356
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:11,584
PERALTA: Hey, everyone.
357
00:14:11,876 --> 00:14:13,294
I'm Jake.
358
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,754
So, who here saw 12 Years a Slave?
359
00:14:19,132 --> 00:14:20,383
Best picture.
360
00:14:21,426 --> 00:14:23,511
Well, Diaz, the deed is done.
361
00:14:23,595 --> 00:14:25,137
You torpedoed her promotion.
362
00:14:25,221 --> 00:14:28,641
Sadly, no.
I gave that goblin a good recommendation.
363
00:14:28,725 --> 00:14:31,519
Your story about the
marker turd really hit me.
364
00:14:31,603 --> 00:14:34,230
I began to realize that if even you
thought I should take the high road,
365
00:14:34,314 --> 00:14:36,482
that was probably the right choice.
366
00:14:36,566 --> 00:14:39,166
I'm sorry you didn't get
your vengeance, Mother Holt.
367
00:14:39,318 --> 00:14:40,610
Good one.
368
00:14:40,694 --> 00:14:43,113
But I am still planning
to get some retribution.
369
00:14:43,197 --> 00:14:45,824
I got her a parting gift.
370
00:14:46,492 --> 00:14:47,868
Tickets to Wicked?
371
00:14:48,744 --> 00:14:49,870
In Boston.
372
00:14:49,995 --> 00:14:51,329
She's moving to a second-class city,
373
00:14:51,413 --> 00:14:53,163
and I wanted to rub her nose in it.
374
00:14:53,624 --> 00:14:55,208
Enjoy the understudies, Madeline.
375
00:14:55,292 --> 00:14:57,502
Have fun watching some
chubby Chenoweth knockoff
376
00:14:57,586 --> 00:14:59,505
warble her way through Popular.
377
00:15:02,173 --> 00:15:04,466
Hello, Lynn. Hi, Regina.
378
00:15:04,550 --> 00:15:06,343
Don't play games with me, boy.
379
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:07,929
This is a bad idea.
380
00:15:08,054 --> 00:15:11,181
No, it's okay. Dad's got this.
He's a real sweet talker.
381
00:15:11,265 --> 00:15:12,975
Let's cut the crap. Okay.
382
00:15:13,184 --> 00:15:14,893
What are your intentions with my mother?
383
00:15:14,977 --> 00:15:17,980
To make love to her
every morning until we die.
384
00:15:18,064 --> 00:15:21,191
So, it's just physical.
What are you, nuts?
385
00:15:21,275 --> 00:15:24,485
I'm a divorced, retired florist
with a terrible gluten allergy.
386
00:15:24,569 --> 00:15:28,072
Your mom is a beautiful,
brilliant travel agent.
387
00:15:28,156 --> 00:15:31,701
She talks to people on the phone
who have seen the whole world.
388
00:15:31,785 --> 00:15:33,911
I'll never meet anyone
half as good as her.
389
00:15:33,995 --> 00:15:35,621
She's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
390
00:15:35,705 --> 00:15:37,290
You mean other than Charles?
391
00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:42,337
No. She's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
392
00:15:43,004 --> 00:15:46,006
That's okay, Pop.
You did what you had to do.
393
00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:49,343
I love her.
All I want is to make her happy forever.
394
00:15:50,761 --> 00:15:52,429
Fine, I give you my blessing.
395
00:15:52,513 --> 00:15:56,057
But if you hurt my mom in
any way, so help me God,
396
00:15:56,141 --> 00:15:58,393
I will cut off your son's testicles.
397
00:15:58,477 --> 00:16:00,646
Snip, snip, snip!
And I'm not playing. Ooh.
398
00:16:01,814 --> 00:16:02,898
Deal.
399
00:16:02,982 --> 00:16:06,108
[CHUCKLES] Way to go, Dad!
You bagged the babe!
400
00:16:06,192 --> 00:16:08,736
The Boyle boys are planning a wedding!
401
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:10,696
Boyle boys! Boyle boys!
402
00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:12,532
BOTH: Boyle boys! Boyle boys!
403
00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:14,367
[BOTH LAUGHING]
404
00:16:15,159 --> 00:16:16,619
You screwed this up, buddy.
405
00:16:16,703 --> 00:16:18,871
You think she's going
to still love you after this?
406
00:16:18,955 --> 00:16:20,039
She'll see who you are now.
407
00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:21,874
Hey, you don't know
anything about me and Sophia.
408
00:16:21,958 --> 00:16:24,460
What? I'm talking to myself.
About my wife.
409
00:16:24,544 --> 00:16:25,920
She is not going to like this.
410
00:16:26,004 --> 00:16:27,962
Who cares about you and your gross life?
411
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:29,381
Jake, heads up.
412
00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:31,758
Oh, hey! Sophia.
413
00:16:31,842 --> 00:16:34,135
Thank God you're here. I was just
going to find you so we could talk.
414
00:16:34,219 --> 00:16:36,638
Jake, I'm not here to talk to you.
I'm here as Geoffrey's attorney.
415
00:16:36,722 --> 00:16:38,389
Oh, I can do it myself. Watch this.
416
00:16:38,473 --> 00:16:40,058
Objection, objection,
objection, objection, objection!
417
00:16:40,142 --> 00:16:41,768
Five! Five objections.
418
00:16:41,852 --> 00:16:44,395
Maybe this cocaine
isn't so bad after all.
419
00:16:44,479 --> 00:16:45,647
Okay. Geoffrey!
420
00:16:45,731 --> 00:16:48,106
I'm going to have to advise
you to stop talking/confessing
421
00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:49,274
in front of the detectives. Okay.
422
00:16:49,358 --> 00:16:50,609
Look, I know that you're mad.
423
00:16:50,693 --> 00:16:53,153
But I talked to the DA and
he agreed to drop the charges.
424
00:16:53,237 --> 00:16:55,072
Geoffrey just has to do a
little bit of community service
425
00:16:55,156 --> 00:16:56,698
and nothing will even go on his record.
426
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,492
Not good enough. You have no evidence.
427
00:16:58,576 --> 00:17:00,494
Sophia.
There's cocaine on his collar right now.
428
00:17:00,578 --> 00:17:03,580
Ooh, not anymore. [SNIFFS] Ooh.
429
00:17:03,664 --> 00:17:05,666
You're really not reading
the vibe right at all.
430
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:06,959
Tell you what, that's the cocaine.
431
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:08,835
I'm usually very tuned in. Shh!
432
00:17:08,919 --> 00:17:11,087
I had to arrest him. I had no choice.
433
00:17:11,171 --> 00:17:14,215
Really? Because I can think of 50 other
ways you could have handled this scenario.
434
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:15,758
Oh, my God, you are such a lawyer.
435
00:17:15,842 --> 00:17:17,176
You are such a cop.
436
00:17:17,260 --> 00:17:19,095
I tell you I need some
space to figure things out
437
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:22,223
and you come kicking down the door with
the first plan that pops into your head.
438
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:25,560
How is it my fault that your jerk boss put
his jerk nose in a pile of jerk cocaine?
439
00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:28,896
You followed him into a bathroom
at a party you weren't even invited to.
440
00:17:28,980 --> 00:17:30,648
Okay. You know what? We're done.
441
00:17:30,732 --> 00:17:32,566
All right, fine. I'll talk to the DA.
442
00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:34,651
I'll see if I can cut the community
service in half. How's that?
443
00:17:34,735 --> 00:17:36,444
No, Jake. Not with the case.
444
00:17:36,528 --> 00:17:38,447
You and I are done.
445
00:17:43,285 --> 00:17:44,411
Jake, what are you doing?
446
00:17:44,495 --> 00:17:46,580
I wanted to stop you. Grand gesture.
447
00:17:46,664 --> 00:17:47,706
I took the stairs.
448
00:17:47,790 --> 00:17:48,873
Little winded there, buddy?
449
00:17:48,957 --> 00:17:50,959
Yeah. Romance is hard.
450
00:17:51,043 --> 00:17:53,919
Here, will you just talk for like 20
minutes while I catch my breath?
451
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,379
I don't have anything to say.
452
00:17:55,463 --> 00:17:57,965
Oh, come on.
This is just a stupid fight about nothing.
453
00:17:58,049 --> 00:17:59,800
I'm not going to let
us break up over this.
454
00:17:59,884 --> 00:18:01,093
Jake, our jobs are incompatible.
455
00:18:01,177 --> 00:18:02,595
Our lives are incompatible.
456
00:18:02,679 --> 00:18:04,138
Look, we'll just never talk about work
457
00:18:04,222 --> 00:18:05,639
or interact with each other as friends
458
00:18:05,723 --> 00:18:07,016
or acknowledge each other in public.
459
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:08,434
And I know this sounds
like I'm describing enemies,
460
00:18:08,518 --> 00:18:09,768
but we can make this work.
461
00:18:09,852 --> 00:18:10,936
We're Romeo and Juliet.
462
00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:12,521
It didn't work for Romeo and Juliet.
463
00:18:12,605 --> 00:18:15,023
That play ends in a
tragic double suicide.
464
00:18:15,107 --> 00:18:17,483
That's how it ends?
Why do people like it so much?
465
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,652
All right, look, Jake. You're fun. Okay?
466
00:18:19,736 --> 00:18:22,697
And we've only been dating for
three months. It's just not that serious.
467
00:18:22,781 --> 00:18:24,490
Well, it's kind of serious to me.
468
00:18:24,574 --> 00:18:26,868
I've accidentally said I love
you, like, four times already.
469
00:18:26,952 --> 00:18:29,802
I know… I just don't think I
accidentally love you back.
470
00:18:30,747 --> 00:18:33,750
Look, it's just… It's just so much work.
471
00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:35,544
That's work I'm willing to do.
472
00:18:36,086 --> 00:18:37,378
I'm not.
473
00:18:38,921 --> 00:18:40,172
I'm sorry.
474
00:18:45,928 --> 00:18:47,847
Double suicide?
475
00:18:49,932 --> 00:18:51,559
Hello, Madeline. Raymond.
476
00:18:51,976 --> 00:18:53,310
I was just about to call you.
477
00:18:53,394 --> 00:18:55,062
I wanted to thank you for
your kind recommendation.
478
00:18:55,146 --> 00:18:57,732
And I wanted to give you this.
479
00:18:58,606 --> 00:19:01,151
Wicked, starring Beth Danube?
480
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,820
Well played, Raymond.
481
00:19:04,070 --> 00:19:05,946
Sadly, I won't be able to use them.
482
00:19:06,030 --> 00:19:08,074
Since I'm not going to Boston. What?
483
00:19:08,158 --> 00:19:10,576
I was only interested in
the Boston offer as leverage.
484
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:13,245
I used it to get a
promotion from the NYPD.
485
00:19:13,329 --> 00:19:16,958
I have never had more power over
you than I do at this very moment.
486
00:19:17,167 --> 00:19:19,217
I wanted to give you
these as a thank you.
487
00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:21,587
You're joking.
488
00:19:22,755 --> 00:19:25,424
I'm going to call the commissioner.
Shh, shh, shh.
489
00:19:26,175 --> 00:19:29,594
I know you never would have recommended
me for that Boston post if, deep down,
490
00:19:29,678 --> 00:19:31,847
you didn't think I deserved the job.
491
00:19:40,022 --> 00:19:42,231
What the…
492
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:46,527
A thank you round of drinks.
And a toast to Amy.
493
00:19:46,736 --> 00:19:50,864
Your conflict resolution skills has
made my childhood dreams come true.
494
00:19:50,948 --> 00:19:52,449
I'm going to be a ring bearer.
495
00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:54,034
You don't think your dad
will make you best man?
496
00:19:54,118 --> 00:19:56,037
Oh, I'd just assumed he'd ask Jake.
497
00:19:56,245 --> 00:19:57,705
Mmm. Move over, please.
498
00:19:57,789 --> 00:19:59,748
I do have a wedding to plan.
499
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:03,418
Because if this thing's happening,
it's not going to be a Boyle bros event.
500
00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:05,837
For starters, all the bridesmaids
are going to be dressed
501
00:20:05,921 --> 00:20:08,089
like Roseanne from the
television show Roseanne.
502
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,257
Oh, I like that show.
503
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,592
A certified shaman will
conduct the ceremony.
504
00:20:11,676 --> 00:20:15,221
And the ring bearer
will be an actual wolf.
505
00:20:15,305 --> 00:20:18,433
Oh, man, I could do it, but I
wouldn't be as majestic on all fours.
506
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:19,934
This wedding sounds weird. I'm into it.
507
00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:21,436
To Lynn and Darlene Boyle.
508
00:20:21,686 --> 00:20:23,104
ALL: Cheers.
509
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:24,272
Yuck.
510
00:20:25,523 --> 00:20:29,026
My lady left me. My lady stayed.
511
00:20:29,235 --> 00:20:31,611
Come on, sir. Focus on the good.
512
00:20:31,695 --> 00:20:33,071
You can hold your head up.
513
00:20:33,155 --> 00:20:35,115
You took the high road with Wuntch.
514
00:20:35,199 --> 00:20:36,283
Not entirely.
515
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:38,952
When I was alone in her
office, I changed her auto correct.
516
00:20:39,036 --> 00:20:42,706
Now, when she types "Wuntch,"
it gets replaced with "butt."
517
00:20:42,790 --> 00:20:45,375
Oh, I should not have gone to that party.
518
00:20:45,459 --> 00:20:47,001
I shouldn't have gone to that bathroom.
519
00:20:47,085 --> 00:20:48,627
I should not have arrested her boss.
520
00:20:48,711 --> 00:20:49,795
I don't see it that way.
521
00:20:49,879 --> 00:20:52,129
You did everything right.
You were a good cop.
522
00:20:52,215 --> 00:20:53,591
Good lonely cop.
523
00:20:53,675 --> 00:20:55,342
Hey, man, you put yourself out there.
524
00:20:55,426 --> 00:20:57,052
You weren't breezy.
525
00:20:57,136 --> 00:20:59,305
You liked Sophia. You fought for her.
526
00:20:59,389 --> 00:21:00,473
You should be proud.
527
00:21:00,557 --> 00:21:02,349
No, you should be
changing her auto correct.
528
00:21:02,433 --> 00:21:04,518
What's her last name? Perez.
529
00:21:04,602 --> 00:21:06,979
No. It's Butt now. Sophia Butt.
530
00:21:07,063 --> 00:21:08,104
Huh.
531
00:21:08,188 --> 00:21:09,647
That feels good, doesn't it?
532
00:21:09,731 --> 00:21:11,107
Not really.
533
00:21:11,191 --> 00:21:12,484
Okay.
534
00:21:13,068 --> 00:21:14,611
Then, let's get soused.
535
00:21:14,695 --> 00:21:18,156
Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, okay. Fine. Fine.