1
00:00:02,495 --> 00:00:04,830
-Have a nice weekend, Peralta?
-Yeah. Nothing special.
2
00:00:04,914 --> 00:00:07,664
-You know, got a couple…
-You missed Scully's birthday.
3
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:09,083
It was kind of a big one.
4
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:10,753
Nobody showed at the party.
5
00:00:11,086 --> 00:00:12,838
Guys, guys, guys.
6
00:00:13,005 --> 00:00:15,673
We missed Scully's
birthday and it was a big one.
7
00:00:15,798 --> 00:00:17,925
I know.
I panicked and said I had to go to the vet
8
00:00:18,009 --> 00:00:19,761
because my puppy-cat got sick.
9
00:00:20,094 --> 00:00:22,137
I said I had to take my
mom to get birth control pills.
10
00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:23,597
JEFFORDS: That's better than my excuse.
11
00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:26,057
I said I had to go to
my girls' bar mitzvahs.
12
00:00:26,141 --> 00:00:27,767
Squad, we missed Scully's birthday,
13
00:00:27,851 --> 00:00:29,728
and it was a big one.
14
00:00:30,103 --> 00:00:33,022
I told them I was in Ecuador.
I think they bought it.
15
00:00:33,106 --> 00:00:34,399
We got to make it up to him.
16
00:00:34,483 --> 00:00:35,482
Let's give him cash.
17
00:00:35,566 --> 00:00:37,067
Everyone put in $20 each.
18
00:00:37,151 --> 00:00:38,819
Uh… Yes. I'll cover you.
19
00:00:39,236 --> 00:00:40,905
Hey, Scully. Huh?
20
00:00:41,822 --> 00:00:43,740
We're sorry that we missed your party.
21
00:00:43,824 --> 00:00:46,450
Ah, don't worry about it.
You all had stuff to do.
22
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:49,120
Yes. The capital of Ecuador is Quito.
23
00:00:49,204 --> 00:00:50,330
-Oh.
-HOLT: Anyway.
24
00:00:50,705 --> 00:00:52,207
Happy birthday from all of us.
25
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:54,083
Thanks, guys. You're the best.
26
00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:55,918
ALL: Happy birthday, Scully.
27
00:00:57,711 --> 00:01:00,381
I can't believe it.
The fake birthday worked!
28
00:01:01,256 --> 00:01:02,341
You're a genius.
29
00:01:02,508 --> 00:01:03,958
We're both geniuses. [LAUGHS]
30
00:01:04,718 --> 00:01:05,718
[CLINK]
31
00:01:08,179 --> 00:01:10,890
[EXHALES] Thumbtack mug.
That was my thumbtack mug.
32
00:01:11,349 --> 00:01:13,351
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
33
00:01:33,077 --> 00:01:35,369
I'm running this task force,
so, everything goes through me.
34
00:01:35,453 --> 00:01:36,830
Got it? Good.
35
00:01:36,996 --> 00:01:38,956
Jackson, some ecstasy
was found on the F train.
36
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,666
Take it to the lab, find
out if it's giggle pig.
37
00:01:40,750 --> 00:01:42,918
Scully, Hitchcock, work your CIs.
38
00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:45,152
Miller, get a new K-9.
That dog is an idiot.
39
00:01:45,254 --> 00:01:47,213
-[WHIMPERS]
-DIAZ: All right, move out.
40
00:01:47,297 --> 00:01:49,383
Hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm late.
41
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:51,009
I had to go back to the deli
42
00:01:51,093 --> 00:01:52,594
and return my everything bagel.
43
00:01:52,678 --> 00:01:53,887
In what world does "everything"
44
00:01:53,971 --> 00:01:55,013
not include beef jerky?
45
00:01:55,097 --> 00:01:56,096
All of them. Okay.
46
00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:57,181
Here's what's up. Yeah.
47
00:01:57,265 --> 00:01:58,891
Task force brought in a
giggle pig dealer this morning.
48
00:01:58,975 --> 00:01:59,975
Noice.
49
00:02:00,059 --> 00:02:01,101
Second guy we've brought in
50
00:02:01,185 --> 00:02:02,635
that's had one of these keys.
51
00:02:03,604 --> 00:02:05,272
Huh. My best guess?
52
00:02:05,856 --> 00:02:08,191
This opens a creepy old wardrobe/portal
53
00:02:08,275 --> 00:02:09,400
to an enchanted land full of
54
00:02:09,484 --> 00:02:10,860
talking toads and fairy folk.
55
00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,154
Interesting.
56
00:02:12,529 --> 00:02:14,280
It has something to
do with the post office.
57
00:02:14,364 --> 00:02:15,914
It's got "USPS" engraved on it.
58
00:02:16,073 --> 00:02:18,367
Take it to the Postal Inspection
Service, see what you can find out.
59
00:02:18,451 --> 00:02:19,452
Copy that.
60
00:02:19,618 --> 00:02:20,994
Hey! Work this thing hard.
61
00:02:21,078 --> 00:02:22,454
We're under a lot of
pressure with the task force,
62
00:02:22,538 --> 00:02:23,580
so we could really use a win.
63
00:02:23,664 --> 00:02:24,665
You got it.
64
00:02:24,749 --> 00:02:26,207
You're my friend and
I won't let you down.
65
00:02:26,291 --> 00:02:28,125
I'm gonna push you up. Just like a bra.
66
00:02:28,209 --> 00:02:29,210
What?
67
00:02:29,294 --> 00:02:30,753
No, I meant like a brassiere.
68
00:02:30,837 --> 00:02:32,046
Which is totally different.
69
00:02:32,130 --> 00:02:33,130
Come on, man. Not better.
70
00:02:33,214 --> 00:02:34,364
Here we go! Here we go!
71
00:02:34,924 --> 00:02:37,676
Santiago, I may need you to
come in for a bit on Saturday.
72
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,428
Again? Are you kidding me, man?
73
00:02:40,512 --> 00:02:41,513
[GASPS]
74
00:02:42,765 --> 00:02:44,683
I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.
75
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:45,808
Hi!
76
00:02:45,892 --> 00:02:47,059
Oh, my God.
77
00:02:47,143 --> 00:02:48,227
What just happened?
78
00:02:48,311 --> 00:02:49,978
Her mind finally snapped.
79
00:02:50,062 --> 00:02:51,981
Like a stale breadstick.
80
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,067
Captain, please forgive me.
81
00:02:55,525 --> 00:02:57,610
I'm just a little on edge because
82
00:02:57,694 --> 00:02:59,237
I'm trying to quit smoking.
83
00:02:59,321 --> 00:03:00,571
I can't take the stress of hiding it
84
00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:01,656
from Teddy anymore.
85
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:03,116
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
86
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,534
Be right out, Teddy!
87
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:05,701
[SPRAYS]
88
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:06,911
[CHOKES]
89
00:03:07,411 --> 00:03:08,412
I'm going cold turkey,
90
00:03:08,496 --> 00:03:10,247
and it makes me irritable.
91
00:03:10,331 --> 00:03:11,332
Terrifying.
92
00:03:12,708 --> 00:03:14,710
I know I should be
able to do this by myself,
93
00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:16,085
but it would be great
94
00:03:16,169 --> 00:03:17,419
if you guys could, maybe,
95
00:03:17,921 --> 00:03:19,088
keep an eye on me.
96
00:03:19,172 --> 00:03:20,965
Of course.
We'll do everything we can to help.
97
00:03:21,049 --> 00:03:22,550
Or, plan B,
98
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,677
I can arrange for you
to go to a safe place
99
00:03:24,761 --> 00:03:27,804
where you can just relax
and watch pretty boats go by.
100
00:03:27,888 --> 00:03:28,930
Look.
101
00:03:29,014 --> 00:03:30,516
This one's on an island.
102
00:03:32,184 --> 00:03:35,561
Okay, we're looking for
room 247, Agent Jack Danger.
103
00:03:35,645 --> 00:03:40,441
Agent Jack Danger? Wow.
That name is buh-dass.
104
00:03:40,691 --> 00:03:42,276
Code for "badass". Yeah.
105
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:43,611
So buh-dass.
106
00:03:44,654 --> 00:03:45,653
Here we are.
107
00:03:45,737 --> 00:03:49,240
Wait.
Cool guy, probably expecting a cool knock.
108
00:03:49,324 --> 00:03:50,659
[RHYTHMIC KNOCK]
109
00:03:51,159 --> 00:03:52,160
That was incredible.
110
00:03:52,244 --> 00:03:53,411
DANGER: Enter.
111
00:03:55,412 --> 00:03:59,499
Are you Danger? Jack Danger?
112
00:03:59,583 --> 00:04:02,335
It's actually pronounced "Dong-er".
It's derived from a Dutch word
113
00:04:02,419 --> 00:04:04,129
meaning "prudence in financial matters."
114
00:04:04,213 --> 00:04:06,881
Oh. Jack Donger.
115
00:04:07,841 --> 00:04:08,924
Hmm. Also cool.
116
00:04:09,008 --> 00:04:10,176
Have a seat.
117
00:04:10,385 --> 00:04:12,636
I understand you need a little help
118
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:13,971
from the big boys here at USPIS?
119
00:04:14,055 --> 00:04:15,556
USPIS? Yeah.
120
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,349
US Postal Inspection Service?
121
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,684
Founded by Benjamin Franklin in 1772.
122
00:04:19,768 --> 00:04:22,061
Undoubtedly a great man's
greatest accomplishment.
123
00:04:22,145 --> 00:04:25,189
Are you aware that he helped
popularize Parmesan cheese in America?
124
00:04:25,273 --> 00:04:26,482
I am.
125
00:04:26,732 --> 00:04:28,442
USPIS is the crown jewel
126
00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:30,402
of the law enforcement system.
127
00:04:30,486 --> 00:04:32,321
Twelve hundred inspectors
128
00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:36,449
tackling everything from mail fraud
to the shipment of contraband fruit.
129
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,075
And, of course, occasionally assisting
130
00:04:38,159 --> 00:04:39,744
our little brothers in
the police department.
131
00:04:39,828 --> 00:04:40,828
Little brothers?
132
00:04:40,912 --> 00:04:42,497
Well, I am a federal agent.
133
00:04:42,706 --> 00:04:44,791
You're just a local cop.
134
00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:46,875
Nothing wrong with that.
135
00:04:46,959 --> 00:04:48,794
Uh, we're here because we found this key.
136
00:04:48,878 --> 00:04:49,879
Whoa.
137
00:04:50,713 --> 00:04:51,839
Yes.
138
00:04:52,006 --> 00:04:54,090
This sexy beast was used
to open a type of mailbox
139
00:04:54,174 --> 00:04:55,800
we actually haven't used in years.
140
00:04:55,884 --> 00:04:58,884
However, there are a few around
town that were never removed.
141
00:04:59,637 --> 00:05:00,638
Real beauts.
142
00:05:00,722 --> 00:05:02,681
I can find out where they are
and send you the locations.
143
00:05:02,765 --> 00:05:04,892
That would be great. Here, my email is…
144
00:05:04,976 --> 00:05:06,602
Ah! Nah. No email.
145
00:05:06,894 --> 00:05:07,894
[LAUGHS]
146
00:05:07,978 --> 00:05:11,148
I'll send it to you with r-mail,
which is to say real mail.
147
00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:14,818
Because email has put hundreds
of my co-workers out of work.
148
00:05:14,902 --> 00:05:16,443
How would you like it if they laid off
149
00:05:16,527 --> 00:05:17,820
all of your fellow detectives
150
00:05:17,904 --> 00:05:19,321
and partnered you with a robocop?
151
00:05:19,405 --> 00:05:21,365
I've literally drawn sketches of that.
152
00:05:21,449 --> 00:05:23,549
The robot has a backpack
that can carry me.
153
00:05:24,535 --> 00:05:26,577
Hey, how's cold turkey going?
154
00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:28,330
[MUMBLING]
155
00:05:31,207 --> 00:05:32,458
I heard chewing gum helps.
156
00:05:32,542 --> 00:05:34,001
You know, I never smoked.
157
00:05:34,085 --> 00:05:35,735
But I did once have an addiction.
158
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,589
Food. It got bad.
159
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,842
-[DOOR RATTLING]
-You're not closed!
160
00:05:41,926 --> 00:05:43,134
It's six o'clock!
161
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,303
I need my moo shu pork!
162
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:47,388
I need my moo shu!
163
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:50,891
You know how I finally stopped eating?
164
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,227
You got too big to fit
through the kitchen door?
165
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,812
I learned how to beat my cravings.
166
00:05:55,896 --> 00:05:58,523
Every time I wanted
food, I rebooted my system.
167
00:05:58,857 --> 00:06:00,057
Are you ready to reboot?
168
00:06:01,068 --> 00:06:02,986
When I'd feel a food craving,
169
00:06:03,195 --> 00:06:07,239
I would dunk my head into
ice water and reset my brain.
170
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:08,323
Watch me.
171
00:06:08,407 --> 00:06:09,449
Ah!
172
00:06:09,533 --> 00:06:11,160
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
173
00:06:12,745 --> 00:06:15,122
Whoo! I'm all good!
174
00:06:15,246 --> 00:06:16,539
[LAUGHS] Yeah!
175
00:06:16,623 --> 00:06:18,165
You try! Okay.
176
00:06:18,249 --> 00:06:19,250
Now! Ah!
177
00:06:21,002 --> 00:06:22,336
[GASPING]
178
00:06:22,420 --> 00:06:23,421
Do it again!
179
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:24,965
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
180
00:06:26,423 --> 00:06:28,050
It's so cold! It's really cold!
181
00:06:28,342 --> 00:06:29,342
Last time!
182
00:06:29,426 --> 00:06:30,427
[INHALES DEEPLY]
183
00:06:30,511 --> 00:06:32,012
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
184
00:06:32,262 --> 00:06:35,056
We think the drug dealers have been
using these out-of-service mailboxes
185
00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:37,016
as drops for giggle pig and money.
186
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,809
Good job. I'm glad Danger was useful.
187
00:06:38,893 --> 00:06:41,979
Actually, it's Dong-er.
Although it should be dong-est.
188
00:06:42,063 --> 00:06:44,356
I can't imagine anyone
being more dong than this guy.
189
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:45,565
Sounds like he's a good resource.
190
00:06:45,649 --> 00:06:46,941
He showed you where
the mailboxes were, right?
191
00:06:47,025 --> 00:06:50,528
Yeah, but he also told us how he
brought down a snail-smuggling ring.
192
00:06:50,612 --> 00:06:51,613
For an hour. Yeah.
193
00:06:51,697 --> 00:06:53,823
He showed us all these
pictures of the snails
194
00:06:53,907 --> 00:06:55,574
and he called them
"the littlest victims."
195
00:06:55,658 --> 00:06:59,453
Well, hopefully Donger will
be less annoying from now on.
196
00:06:59,537 --> 00:07:01,747
Yeah, hopefully. Wait. From now on?
197
00:07:01,831 --> 00:07:03,081
Yeah. No.
198
00:07:03,165 --> 00:07:04,541
Yep. No, no, no, no, no, no.
199
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,375
Please, tell me I don't have
to keep working with that…
200
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,878
-Detective Peralta.
-PERALTA: Hi.
201
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,965
Love your precinct. Very primitive.
202
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,175
At USPIS, everyone gets his own office,
203
00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:15,843
but that's because
204
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:19,135
we're this proud nation's first
defense in the war on terror.
205
00:07:19,638 --> 00:07:22,223
Every envelope is a
potential target for al-Qaeda.
206
00:07:22,307 --> 00:07:23,308
Oh.
207
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:27,895
Detective Rosa Diaz, meet
my new partner, Jack Donger.
208
00:07:27,979 --> 00:07:30,606
Please. I go by Jackie. Jackie Donger.
209
00:07:30,690 --> 00:07:32,191
Of course you do!
210
00:07:35,111 --> 00:07:37,863
-[MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
-[SCATTING]
211
00:07:41,450 --> 00:07:42,784
Take it away, Peralta!
212
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:44,368
-Will do!
-[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]
213
00:07:44,953 --> 00:07:46,370
Shouldn't have done that.
214
00:07:46,454 --> 00:07:48,747
B-side's got some
banging Sousa deep cuts.
215
00:07:48,831 --> 00:07:51,208
Thank God, we're here!
Look. There's a box up there.
216
00:07:51,292 --> 00:07:55,254
Oh, yeah. That is some
sweet green curves right there.
217
00:07:56,921 --> 00:08:00,216
We should talk to the falafel guy,
see if he's seen anything suspicious.
218
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:02,134
Uh, you should probably
let me take the lead on this.
219
00:08:02,218 --> 00:08:04,053
A lot of people don't like cops,
220
00:08:04,137 --> 00:08:05,845
and everybody loves postal workers.
221
00:08:05,929 --> 00:08:06,930
They do?
222
00:08:07,014 --> 00:08:08,682
That's why the phrase
most associated with
223
00:08:08,766 --> 00:08:11,309
bringing goodness into
peoples' lives is "going postal".
224
00:08:11,393 --> 00:08:12,602
[CHUCKLES] You're kidding, right?
225
00:08:12,686 --> 00:08:13,728
"Going postal" means that…
226
00:08:13,812 --> 00:08:14,980
I know what it means!
227
00:08:15,064 --> 00:08:17,022
I just said what it means.
That's what it means.
228
00:08:17,106 --> 00:08:18,816
[LAUGHS]
229
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:23,529
Okay. Well, how's about we avoid human
contact altogether and check out the box?
230
00:08:34,831 --> 00:08:36,039
What's the point of that thing?
231
00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:37,541
Tradition and security.
232
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:40,210
Plus, I'd be lying if I said
it didn't look insanely cool.
233
00:08:40,294 --> 00:08:41,670
I wouldn't.
234
00:08:44,048 --> 00:08:45,840
Jackpot! It's giggle pig.
235
00:08:45,924 --> 00:08:50,053
Yes! You have served
your country proud, little lady.
236
00:08:53,181 --> 00:08:54,307
Stop!
237
00:08:55,183 --> 00:08:57,476
[SCREAMS] Ow, ow, ow. Help me up.
238
00:08:57,810 --> 00:09:00,437
Peralta! Help! Help me up!
Don't ditch me!
239
00:09:00,687 --> 00:09:01,688
[GROANS]
240
00:09:02,147 --> 00:09:04,983
He's gone. You okay?
241
00:09:05,275 --> 00:09:07,026
No. I'm rattled.
242
00:09:09,987 --> 00:09:11,155
Hey. Hmm?
243
00:09:11,239 --> 00:09:12,281
Where you going, Amy?
244
00:09:12,365 --> 00:09:14,533
I was just going outside to…
245
00:09:14,617 --> 00:09:16,952
See this pigeon I've been training.
246
00:09:17,077 --> 00:09:18,453
It does the cancan.
247
00:09:18,537 --> 00:09:19,871
That, I gotta see!
248
00:09:21,581 --> 00:09:23,833
Damn it, I made my lie too enticing.
249
00:09:23,917 --> 00:09:25,250
Fine, I was going out to smoke.
250
00:09:25,334 --> 00:09:28,212
Your lame system
reboot thing didn't work.
251
00:09:28,754 --> 00:09:29,963
You know, I don't
like to talk about this,
252
00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:33,425
but many years ago, I
myself overcame an addiction.
253
00:09:33,717 --> 00:09:36,553
I could not get enough of the ponies.
254
00:09:37,095 --> 00:09:40,890
Go Razzmataz. Go Razzmataz.
255
00:09:41,432 --> 00:09:43,476
Go Razzmataz.
256
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,852
MAN [ON TV]: It's Bugle
Boy winning by a head.
257
00:09:45,936 --> 00:09:47,104
I lost everything.
258
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:51,608
What worked for me was replacing
my bad addiction with a good addiction.
259
00:09:51,984 --> 00:09:53,443
Exercise.
260
00:09:53,902 --> 00:09:55,360
Grab your sneakers, Santiago.
261
00:09:55,444 --> 00:09:57,654
You're joining me on a lunchtime jog.
262
00:09:57,738 --> 00:10:00,491
Great. We could talk a
little, chat about the job,
263
00:10:00,575 --> 00:10:02,409
do some mentor-mentee bonding…
264
00:10:02,493 --> 00:10:04,120
We will exercise in silence.
265
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:05,704
No headphones either.
266
00:10:05,912 --> 00:10:08,456
Music is a crutch.
267
00:10:09,416 --> 00:10:10,875
DIAZ: I'm sorry.
Let me get this straight.
268
00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:14,545
You had a giggle pig
supplier 20 yards from you
269
00:10:14,629 --> 00:10:16,046
and he got away?
270
00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:17,172
What happened?
271
00:10:17,256 --> 00:10:19,122
Your man, here, failed to follow proper
272
00:10:19,206 --> 00:10:21,406
law-enforcement
procedure, is what happened.
273
00:10:21,635 --> 00:10:22,636
What?
274
00:10:22,761 --> 00:10:25,055
Always check for
ground-level obstructions
275
00:10:25,139 --> 00:10:27,098
before initiating a foot pursuit.
276
00:10:27,182 --> 00:10:28,641
PERALTA: The ground-level obstruction
277
00:10:28,725 --> 00:10:30,101
was your hand clutching my leg.
278
00:10:30,185 --> 00:10:32,478
I have claw marks all over my calf.
279
00:10:33,313 --> 00:10:34,980
I'm sorry. Rosa, can I talk to
you in private for a second?
280
00:10:35,064 --> 00:10:36,064
-Yeah.
-PERALTA: We'll be right back.
281
00:10:36,148 --> 00:10:38,848
Boyle, why don't you show
Donger what a fax machine is?
282
00:10:39,109 --> 00:10:44,656
Okay. Okay, imagine a letter
had unprotected sex with a phone.
283
00:10:45,157 --> 00:10:47,366
Look.
It's not just that Donger's annoying,
284
00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:48,659
he ruined the whole operation.
285
00:10:48,743 --> 00:10:51,120
The perp got away because
he's the world's biggest tool.
286
00:10:51,204 --> 00:10:53,539
No, tools can be useful.
He's the world's smallest tool.
287
00:10:53,623 --> 00:10:54,873
I'm the world's biggest tool.
288
00:10:54,957 --> 00:10:56,207
God! Do you see what he's doing to me?
289
00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:59,085
Look, these dealers didn't just
randomly start using mailbox keys.
290
00:10:59,169 --> 00:11:00,753
There's clearly a postal connection.
291
00:11:00,837 --> 00:11:02,713
Sorry, dude, you gotta
keep working with him.
292
00:11:02,797 --> 00:11:05,382
Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Let's just
put this in perspective for a second.
293
00:11:05,466 --> 00:11:07,240
Is this whole war on
drugs really worth the
294
00:11:07,324 --> 00:11:09,052
human cost of me spending another minute
295
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,345
with this behonkus?
296
00:11:10,429 --> 00:11:12,180
I don't know what
behonkus means, but yes.
297
00:11:12,264 --> 00:11:14,975
Behonkus means butt, and I think
you could've guessed that from context.
298
00:11:15,059 --> 00:11:18,311
Seriously, Jake, I'm asking
you to see this through.
299
00:11:19,103 --> 00:11:23,315
All right, fine. I will do it for you as
a favor because you're my friend.
300
00:11:23,399 --> 00:11:25,733
But if he tells me one
more time about how USPIS
301
00:11:25,817 --> 00:11:27,402
"mailed down" the Berlin Wall,
302
00:11:27,527 --> 00:11:29,404
I'm gonna give him your home
address, and you will receive
303
00:11:29,488 --> 00:11:31,114
holiday cards from him. Forever.
304
00:11:31,198 --> 00:11:32,907
My own relatives don't have that address.
305
00:11:32,991 --> 00:11:36,494
Oh, I know. I know.
306
00:11:38,037 --> 00:11:39,079
[BEEP]
307
00:11:39,163 --> 00:11:41,582
And, completion.
308
00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:43,542
[BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY]
309
00:11:44,502 --> 00:11:45,585
So how do you feel?
310
00:11:45,877 --> 00:11:48,504
Really good. No nicotine cravings at all.
311
00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:50,423
The magic of endorphins.
312
00:11:50,507 --> 00:11:52,467
I'm in a state of total euphoria.
313
00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:55,802
Clearly.
Listen, I gotta jump in there. So…
314
00:11:55,886 --> 00:11:57,680
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
315
00:11:59,348 --> 00:12:01,850
Hello, Kevin. No, I haven't seen it.
316
00:12:02,893 --> 00:12:06,143
I very much doubt that.
Why would the housekeeper steal your belt?
317
00:12:07,647 --> 00:12:09,107
What husband? She's a widow.
318
00:12:09,857 --> 00:12:12,193
I… Uh-oh. I have to go.
319
00:12:14,696 --> 00:12:15,987
Santiago, are you smoking in there?
320
00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:17,071
SANTIAGO: No.
321
00:12:17,155 --> 00:12:18,281
Why do I see smoke?
322
00:12:18,365 --> 00:12:20,867
That's steam. I'm in the shower.
323
00:12:21,785 --> 00:12:25,746
So, what are a bunch of drug
dealers doing with old postal keys?
324
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:27,456
Maybe you guys forgot
to collect them all?
325
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:29,374
Mmm, barking up the wrong tree, McGruff.
326
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:31,043
The postal service doesn't make mistakes.
327
00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:33,212
You lose millions of letters every year.
328
00:12:33,296 --> 00:12:35,172
Really?
Then explain to me why none of these
329
00:12:35,256 --> 00:12:37,257
missing letters have ever been found.
330
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,301
Okay. If it wasn't a mistake,
331
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:42,094
maybe it was an inside job.
332
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,388
Who collected the keys?
333
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:49,476
There are five people responsible
for key collection in the city.
334
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,478
Boom! That's our list of suspects.
335
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,064
We shall call them the
fellowship of the key.
336
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,941
I honestly think you are the
greatest man who ever lived.
337
00:12:57,025 --> 00:12:59,526
Oh. Nah, that's a no-go.
338
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:00,986
Tracking these people
down is a waste of time.
339
00:13:01,070 --> 00:13:02,988
I say we keep surveilling the mailboxes.
340
00:13:03,072 --> 00:13:05,991
Look, I have worked a ton
of these drug cases, all right?
341
00:13:06,325 --> 00:13:08,785
Once they know we're on to
them, they burn the whole system.
342
00:13:08,869 --> 00:13:10,954
Trust me, they're done with the boxes.
343
00:13:11,038 --> 00:13:14,207
Trust me. I'm a federal agent.
344
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:16,124
You're not FBI, you're not ATF,
345
00:13:16,208 --> 00:13:17,501
you work for the post office.
346
00:13:17,585 --> 00:13:20,337
Your motto is, "Surprisingly, we exist."
347
00:13:20,421 --> 00:13:24,675
Incorrect.
Our motto is "Nos custodimus quod lingis."
348
00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:26,259
"We guard what you lick."
349
00:13:26,343 --> 00:13:27,427
That's worse!
350
00:13:27,927 --> 00:13:30,346
No. Forget it, I'm not
giving you the list of names.
351
00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:32,630
We're gonna keep
surveilling those mailboxes.
352
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,642
And if nothing turns up
after a couple of days,
353
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,727
then we'll go on your wild goose chase.
354
00:13:37,353 --> 00:13:38,520
Hey, if you're hungry,
355
00:13:38,604 --> 00:13:40,855
Maury went postal and
brought in muffins for everyone.
356
00:13:40,939 --> 00:13:42,065
Sweet.
357
00:13:42,149 --> 00:13:45,449
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go grab a muff with some blubes.
358
00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:48,738
And when I get back we will
discuss strategy for the stakeouts.
359
00:13:52,283 --> 00:13:53,909
All right, guard the door.
360
00:13:53,993 --> 00:13:56,202
I'm gonna print out
this list of suspects,
361
00:13:56,286 --> 00:13:57,870
and then we are ditching Donger.
362
00:13:57,954 --> 00:13:59,247
It's kind of risky, Jake.
363
00:13:59,331 --> 00:14:01,416
If this ends up being a dead
end, Rosa's gonna be mad.
364
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,085
You know, robo-partner would
not question this for a moment.
365
00:14:04,169 --> 00:14:05,586
Fine. I'll be lookout.
366
00:14:07,004 --> 00:14:08,005
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
367
00:14:08,089 --> 00:14:09,131
What? Is he coming?
368
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:10,590
No. But there's more than muffins.
[SNIFFS]
369
00:14:10,674 --> 00:14:11,842
There's banana bread, too!
370
00:14:11,926 --> 00:14:14,553
-What? This printer is so slow!
-[BEEPING]
371
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,220
Come on.
372
00:14:16,304 --> 00:14:18,348
Ah, this place is the worst!
373
00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:21,934
All right. Two down, three to go.
374
00:14:22,018 --> 00:14:23,686
Next on the list, Kent Delroy.
375
00:14:23,770 --> 00:14:25,562
Worked at the post office for 12 years.
376
00:14:25,646 --> 00:14:26,980
Quit two years ago.
377
00:14:30,025 --> 00:14:31,735
That's the guy from this morning.
378
00:14:31,819 --> 00:14:33,445
NYPD! Open up!
379
00:14:33,612 --> 00:14:34,863
All right, I'm gonna break down the door.
380
00:14:34,947 --> 00:14:36,113
No. Let me do it.
381
00:14:36,197 --> 00:14:37,797
Charles, that's never gone well.
382
00:14:37,907 --> 00:14:39,158
Yes, but I've been practicing.
383
00:14:39,242 --> 00:14:40,617
All right, fine. You get one try.
384
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:41,911
Thank you.
385
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,162
[GRUNTS]
386
00:14:43,246 --> 00:14:44,580
Police! Hands in the air!
387
00:14:44,664 --> 00:14:46,748
I did it! Yes! Ah! Yeah.
388
00:14:46,832 --> 00:14:48,374
Boyle, that's the bad guy.
389
00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:49,626
Yup. Yup.
390
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,171
[WHISPERS] This way, Santiago.
391
00:14:53,255 --> 00:14:55,048
What's going on? Is this a dream?
392
00:14:55,589 --> 00:14:57,341
No, I'm not holding a label maker.
393
00:14:57,425 --> 00:14:59,926
Silence before the shaman.
394
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:03,555
Amy, I'm taking charge of your
journey away from addiction.
395
00:15:03,639 --> 00:15:06,307
Gina is leading you
on a guided meditation.
396
00:15:06,391 --> 00:15:09,894
Terry and I agreed to
participate as a show of support.
397
00:15:12,939 --> 00:15:14,523
And, Amy, you don't
know this because I don't
398
00:15:14,607 --> 00:15:16,816
necessarily enjoy talking to you,
399
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:20,821
but in my early 20s, I
too battled an addiction.
400
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,906
I was a compulsive shopper.
401
00:15:23,031 --> 00:15:26,200
Anyway, meditation helped
me pass that addiction.
402
00:15:26,284 --> 00:15:28,369
And it's gonna do the same for you.
403
00:15:28,453 --> 00:15:30,496
Close your eyes and repeat.
404
00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:33,248
I am in a vast hallway.
405
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:36,042
ALL: I am in a vast hallway.
406
00:15:36,126 --> 00:15:40,046
I walk into the light
of self-actualization.
407
00:15:40,130 --> 00:15:44,008
ALL: I walk into the
light of self-actualization.
408
00:15:44,092 --> 00:15:49,805
For I am a powerful woman.
409
00:15:49,889 --> 00:15:51,307
I'm not hearing everyone.
410
00:15:52,683 --> 00:15:55,060
JEFFORDS, HOLT:
For I am a powerful woman.
411
00:15:55,144 --> 00:15:59,105
You feel the cool breeze of enlightenment
412
00:15:59,606 --> 00:16:01,941
gently caressing your face.
413
00:16:02,734 --> 00:16:04,902
I feel it. I feel the breeze.
414
00:16:04,986 --> 00:16:06,028
Amy!
415
00:16:06,278 --> 00:16:08,279
I'm not the one with my eyes open.
416
00:16:08,363 --> 00:16:10,323
Cheater! Captain Holt is cheating!
417
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:12,033
Santiago, we're trying to help you.
418
00:16:12,117 --> 00:16:14,661
I can't do it. I quit quitting.
419
00:16:15,661 --> 00:16:18,539
Hey, hey, people.
Task force officially on the scoreboard
420
00:16:18,623 --> 00:16:21,209
with our first major
giggle pig dealer busted.
421
00:16:23,336 --> 00:16:25,045
Treat him well, this guy is sort of
422
00:16:25,129 --> 00:16:27,797
the Mitch Globmun of
getting put in jail for this.
423
00:16:27,881 --> 00:16:30,258
Globmun was the first kid
in my grade to get a pube.
424
00:16:30,342 --> 00:16:32,176
Rosa! Great news, my friend.
425
00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:35,221
What the hell? Donger just
called and said you abandoned him,
426
00:16:35,305 --> 00:16:37,222
took information from
a classified computer,
427
00:16:37,306 --> 00:16:39,183
and licked a roll of antique stamps.
428
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:40,517
The stamps were on me.
429
00:16:40,601 --> 00:16:42,769
I was curious about how old glue tasted.
430
00:16:42,853 --> 00:16:45,022
Answer, like a horse lollipop.
431
00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:48,650
Look, it's not a big deal.
432
00:16:48,816 --> 00:16:51,068
Donger wanted us to waste
a week staring at mailboxes.
433
00:16:51,152 --> 00:16:53,320
If I'd listened to him, I never
would have caught Delroy.
434
00:16:53,404 --> 00:16:55,405
Or found his books, which tell us there's
435
00:16:55,489 --> 00:16:57,615
a huge giggle pig
shipment coming in tonight.
436
00:16:57,699 --> 00:16:59,909
I told you to work with USPIS.
437
00:16:59,993 --> 00:17:02,620
Okay, I know I didn't do it
exactly the way you asked me to.
438
00:17:02,704 --> 00:17:04,247
The way I ordered you to.
439
00:17:04,331 --> 00:17:05,414
As leader of the task force.
440
00:17:05,498 --> 00:17:07,916
You think just because we're
friends you can do whatever you want?
441
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,960
Donger's furious.
He's on his way over here now,
442
00:17:10,044 --> 00:17:11,128
because they're taking over the case.
443
00:17:11,212 --> 00:17:12,504
What? He can't do that.
444
00:17:12,588 --> 00:17:14,538
Yeah. He can. They're a federal agency.
445
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,757
From now on, any bust
that comes from this,
446
00:17:16,841 --> 00:17:18,441
including Delroy, goes to USPIS.
447
00:17:18,677 --> 00:17:19,927
My task force gets nothing.
448
00:17:20,011 --> 00:17:21,263
So, thanks, friend.
449
00:17:22,305 --> 00:17:23,306
[SIGHS]
450
00:17:23,431 --> 00:17:26,517
This table tastes like
Scully's elbow blisters.
451
00:17:26,684 --> 00:17:28,644
It's horrible and I deserve it.
452
00:17:29,311 --> 00:17:30,711
I hate seeing you like this.
453
00:17:31,146 --> 00:17:33,064
Rosa has every right to be pissed at me.
454
00:17:33,148 --> 00:17:35,998
I didn't follow her orders and
I messed up the task force.
455
00:17:36,693 --> 00:17:40,488
The only way to make things right is to
do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.
456
00:17:40,572 --> 00:17:42,114
Dip your penis in vinegar.
457
00:17:42,198 --> 00:17:43,282
What? No.
458
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:44,450
Why would you say that?
459
00:17:44,534 --> 00:17:48,036
In Sunday school, they told us the
Babylonians did that to their enemies.
460
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,662
I've been terrified ever since.
461
00:17:49,746 --> 00:17:54,710
Okay, well, what I have
to do is far, far worse.
462
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:57,002
I'm sorry I was a jerk.
463
00:17:57,086 --> 00:17:59,505
I'm sorry I said The Postman was a flop.
464
00:18:00,256 --> 00:18:02,925
I'm sorry I said that
"forever" stamps are a lie
465
00:18:03,009 --> 00:18:06,052
because the earth will eventually
be swallowed by the sun.
466
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,720
I know what you're trying to do.
467
00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:09,764
And I'm not buying it for a second.
468
00:18:10,181 --> 00:18:11,182
I don't think you're sorry,
469
00:18:11,266 --> 00:18:13,142
and I don't think you respect USPIS.
470
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,019
Maybe at first, but
that was before I read
471
00:18:16,103 --> 00:18:18,355
Stamping out Crime:
A History of the USPIS.
472
00:18:18,439 --> 00:18:20,732
Ooh, great read. Yeah.
473
00:18:20,816 --> 00:18:22,567
But it actually just
scratches the surface.
474
00:18:22,651 --> 00:18:25,945
The real story begins in the 16th
century with La Poste Française.
475
00:18:26,029 --> 00:18:27,029
[SNIFFS]
476
00:18:27,113 --> 00:18:28,155
Do you wanna hear about it?
477
00:18:28,239 --> 00:18:32,493
Absolutely. Please, tell us
that story, and spare no detail.
478
00:18:32,577 --> 00:18:34,037
[WHISPERS] The vinegar dip.
479
00:18:35,746 --> 00:18:39,040
But this is when USPIS
history gets really good.
480
00:18:39,124 --> 00:18:43,253
They actually moved the headquarters
back to Boston from Washington, D.C.
481
00:18:43,337 --> 00:18:44,754
Yeah. Let's jump ahead to 1820.
482
00:18:44,838 --> 00:18:45,837
That's when… Whoa, whoa.
483
00:18:45,921 --> 00:18:47,339
You're just gonna jump a whole decade?
484
00:18:47,423 --> 00:18:49,716
I mean, I'm dying to know
how the Chief Postal Inspector's
485
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,400
sickly wife adjusted to the
cold New England winters.
486
00:18:53,929 --> 00:18:56,514
Okay, Peralta. I accept your apology.
You can have the case back.
487
00:18:56,598 --> 00:18:58,015
[SIGHS] Thank you.
488
00:18:58,099 --> 00:18:59,183
Truth is, I need some help.
489
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:01,269
Delroy won't tell us where
the shipment's going tonight,
490
00:19:01,353 --> 00:19:04,522
and his notebooks are all in code.
Have a look.
491
00:19:05,939 --> 00:19:07,482
PERALTA: Have you
checked out this phone number?
492
00:19:07,566 --> 00:19:08,608
It doesn't exist.
493
00:19:08,692 --> 00:19:10,402
Ten digits. What else could it be?
494
00:19:11,028 --> 00:19:12,654
Two zip codes back to back?
495
00:19:12,738 --> 00:19:14,072
But they're nowhere near here.
496
00:19:14,156 --> 00:19:17,450
27889, that's Washington, North Carolina.
497
00:19:17,659 --> 00:19:21,746
80751, that's Sterling, Colorado.
498
00:19:22,121 --> 00:19:24,207
Sterling Place and Washington Avenue.
499
00:19:24,332 --> 00:19:27,209
Wait a minute, Mr. Postman.
500
00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:30,003
That's where the giggle pig
delivery's gonna be?
501
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:31,838
Yep! We gotta go. Right now.
502
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:38,636
Could you please knock it off?
It's like working inside a beaver dam.
503
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,974
Oh, no. A next-to-desk sit-down.
504
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,058
Santiago, you're putting yourself
505
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:46,183
under too much pressure,
506
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:49,061
and that stress is making it
even harder for you to quit.
507
00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:52,895
Some things might come easier to you
if you stop being such a perfectionist.
508
00:19:53,149 --> 00:19:56,443
A concept you should
become familiar with.
509
00:19:57,403 --> 00:19:59,154
Familiar with? Mmm.
510
00:19:59,279 --> 00:20:00,780
A dangling preposition?
511
00:20:00,864 --> 00:20:05,826
I'm setting an example. I made an
error, and I'm not going to correct it.
512
00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:10,832
I'm just gonna let it
dangle, dangle, dangle.
513
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:15,211
Thank you, Captain.
514
00:20:15,627 --> 00:20:16,836
Okay. Get ready. It's going down.
515
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:17,920
-MAN: Copy that.
-Wait.
516
00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:20,089
Before we go in there… Apology accepted.
517
00:20:20,173 --> 00:20:21,799
No, I actually wanna do it.
518
00:20:21,883 --> 00:20:22,967
Ugh. So, I have to suffer?
519
00:20:23,051 --> 00:20:24,136
I'll make it quick.
520
00:20:24,678 --> 00:20:25,719
I didn't follow your orders.
521
00:20:25,803 --> 00:20:26,928
I took advantage of our friendship.
522
00:20:27,012 --> 00:20:28,389
I was a jerk. I'm sorry.
523
00:20:28,973 --> 00:20:30,515
So, that's what eternity feels like.
524
00:20:30,599 --> 00:20:32,225
I could not have made that any shorter.
525
00:20:32,309 --> 00:20:34,561
All right, what's the plan?
This dong is ready to ding.
526
00:20:34,645 --> 00:20:35,728
What?
527
00:20:35,812 --> 00:20:37,229
Tac Team One will
take the north entrance.
528
00:20:37,313 --> 00:20:38,731
Tac Team Two will take the east door.
529
00:20:38,815 --> 00:20:40,191
Jake, you stay out
here and man the radio.
530
00:20:40,275 --> 00:20:42,485
Oh, sure. Whatever you need. On it.
531
00:20:42,569 --> 00:20:44,070
Nah, just kidding.
You're coming in with us.
532
00:20:44,154 --> 00:20:45,321
[SIGHS] Jerk.
533
00:20:45,405 --> 00:20:49,032
DIAZ: Ready? On my count.
Three, two, one.
534
00:20:51,452 --> 00:20:52,452
Freeze! Police!
535
00:20:52,536 --> 00:20:55,080
Also, USPIS! And USPIS!
536
00:20:55,164 --> 00:20:56,163
Down, down, down.
537
00:20:56,247 --> 00:20:57,832
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
538
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:02,545
Hands on your head!
539
00:21:07,841 --> 00:21:09,425
[GRUNTS] What happened?
540
00:21:09,509 --> 00:21:10,885
You hit your head on
the doorway coming in.
541
00:21:10,969 --> 00:21:11,969
Got knocked out cold.
542
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:13,054
Do I have a bruise?
543
00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:14,138
A little one.
544
00:21:14,222 --> 00:21:16,265
Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes.
545
00:21:17,016 --> 00:21:18,350
Did we catch all the bad guys?
546
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:19,685
Yep. We got 'em.
547
00:21:19,769 --> 00:21:21,937
All right, another win for USPIS.
548
00:21:22,021 --> 00:21:23,647
You're lying in rat turds.
549
00:21:23,731 --> 00:21:25,440
It's all part of the job, little brother.
550
00:21:25,524 --> 00:21:26,900
It's all part of the job.