1
00:00:02,362 --> 00:00:04,738
Okay, great. I'll see you tomorrow.
2
00:00:05,155 --> 00:00:06,156
Thanks, Doctor.
3
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,075
Have a good one.
4
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,620
Hey, there, Sarge. Not to pry,
but I couldn't help but overhear
5
00:00:12,704 --> 00:00:14,854
you're going to the doctor?
Everything okay?
6
00:00:18,292 --> 00:00:19,492
I'm getting a vasectomy.
7
00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:21,836
My ears are burning.
8
00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,171
Did someone say "vasectomy"?
9
00:00:23,255 --> 00:00:24,380
I got snipped.
10
00:00:24,464 --> 00:00:27,008
No big deal. Just numbs you
out from trunk to skunk for a year.
11
00:00:27,092 --> 00:00:28,468
It's not supposed to.
12
00:00:28,552 --> 00:00:29,634
Trunk to skunk?
13
00:00:29,718 --> 00:00:34,639
Hold it up. You're going to let some
quack doctor just knife around down there?
14
00:00:34,723 --> 00:00:37,268
You were blessed with a great power.
15
00:00:38,017 --> 00:00:40,144
And you should never snip its wings.
16
00:00:40,687 --> 00:00:42,021
You should let it soar.
17
00:00:42,105 --> 00:00:45,108
Thanks, guys, that's enough.
I don't need any more input.
18
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,000
Neither does your wife, I guess.
19
00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:50,069
Look, you guys, if the Sergeant
wants to chop off his penis,
20
00:00:50,153 --> 00:00:51,237
that is his choice.
21
00:00:51,321 --> 00:00:53,240
That's not what a vasectomy is.
22
00:00:53,490 --> 00:00:56,533
If you guys don't get back to work,
I'm going to start firing detectives.
23
00:00:56,617 --> 00:00:59,578
And blanks. Sorry.
I just never think of jokes.
24
00:00:59,662 --> 00:01:02,248
Anybody else? This is your last chance.
25
00:01:02,664 --> 00:01:05,292
Oh, God. No need to be so testes.
26
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:07,667
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
27
00:01:08,128 --> 00:01:10,254
Sergeant, is this going to go
on your "spermanent" record?
28
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,089
Now playing Scrotal Recall.
29
00:01:12,715 --> 00:01:14,717
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
30
00:01:33,025 --> 00:01:34,359
Hey, Sarge, great news.
31
00:01:34,443 --> 00:01:37,111
I just got assigned such a dope stabbing.
32
00:01:37,945 --> 00:01:39,363
Sorry, the stabbing part is bad.
33
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,697
But here's the dope part.
34
00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:43,915
The guy survived and he
owns a chocolate milk restaurant.
35
00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:45,117
Seriously?
36
00:01:45,201 --> 00:01:46,577
I know, right?
Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster
37
00:01:46,661 --> 00:01:48,461
trend my mouth and I can get behind.
38
00:01:48,705 --> 00:01:49,705
Want to hop on the case with me?
39
00:01:49,789 --> 00:01:50,957
We're a killer team.
40
00:01:51,082 --> 00:01:53,041
Jeffords and Peralta, Jake and Terry,
41
00:01:53,125 --> 00:01:54,418
chocolate and milk.
42
00:01:54,627 --> 00:01:56,962
I mean, I'm the chocolate
and you're the milk
43
00:01:57,046 --> 00:01:58,046
because you're so full of protein.
44
00:01:58,130 --> 00:01:59,680
Don't be mad. Just do the case.
45
00:02:00,965 --> 00:02:03,092
Okay. But I have my vasectomy today,
46
00:02:03,176 --> 00:02:04,885
so I need to be back in a few hours
47
00:02:04,969 --> 00:02:06,428
to catch my ride to the doctor's.
48
00:02:06,512 --> 00:02:07,555
My neighbor's driving me
49
00:02:07,639 --> 00:02:09,639
because my wife's out
of town with the girls.
50
00:02:09,723 --> 00:02:10,823
Why don't I drive you?
51
00:02:11,141 --> 00:02:13,184
I don't know.
I guess I didn't really think of you
52
00:02:13,268 --> 00:02:14,269
as that kind of friend.
53
00:02:14,353 --> 00:02:16,062
Sarge, I'm every kind of friend.
54
00:02:16,146 --> 00:02:17,604
I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler,
55
00:02:17,688 --> 00:02:19,815
I'm Rachel, I'm… Who's the dinosaur guy?
56
00:02:20,191 --> 00:02:22,192
Ross, bro. Ross.
57
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,326
Sorry, I forgot you
were such a Ross-head.
58
00:02:24,862 --> 00:02:26,070
So, look, we'll work this thing together
59
00:02:26,154 --> 00:02:29,073
and afterwards, I will
be your friend chariot
60
00:02:29,157 --> 00:02:30,957
to the penis removal of the century.
61
00:02:33,535 --> 00:02:36,705
The new NYPD commissioner is planning
a complete reorganization of the force.
62
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:39,040
But first, he'll be sending a
Deputy Chief to every precinct
63
00:02:39,124 --> 00:02:41,024
to conduct a top to bottom evaluation.
64
00:02:41,168 --> 00:02:42,710
What? When?
65
00:02:42,794 --> 00:02:44,086
Are we going to be graded or is this
66
00:02:44,170 --> 00:02:45,170
just some pass/fail garbage?
67
00:02:45,254 --> 00:02:46,881
Scale of one to five.
68
00:02:47,173 --> 00:02:48,507
That's how many letter grades there are.
69
00:02:48,591 --> 00:02:51,050
Feels like they're just being weird
using numbers instead of letters.
70
00:02:51,134 --> 00:02:52,886
Yeah, they're being weird right now.
71
00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:56,420
HOLT: Boyle, Diaz, I want the evidence
room organized beyond reproach.
72
00:02:56,765 --> 00:03:00,142
Santiago. When I greet the Deputy
Chief, I want you there by my side
73
00:03:00,226 --> 00:03:01,526
to make a good impression.
74
00:03:01,769 --> 00:03:05,106
No offense, but you are
something of a teacher's pet.
75
00:03:05,523 --> 00:03:08,233
None taken. People love their pets.
76
00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:10,526
The good news is, our
evaluation will be done
77
00:03:10,610 --> 00:03:13,071
by Deputy Chief Brandt.
We have a good rapport.
78
00:03:13,530 --> 00:03:15,155
He was once my Captain.
79
00:03:15,239 --> 00:03:17,533
So, he's kind of like our Grand Captain.
80
00:03:19,410 --> 00:03:21,036
That is amazingly funny.
81
00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:25,664
Well, I was closing up at around 11:00.
82
00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:26,832
I heard the door open.
83
00:03:26,916 --> 00:03:28,766
I just figured it was some "Milkers".
84
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:30,628
That's what we call our regulars.
85
00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:31,753
Do you?
86
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:32,879
Next thing I know,
87
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,339
the guy stabs me in the back.
88
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:35,840
Like, like, right here.
89
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,550
Like some kind of psycho wuss.
90
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,635
Can you think of anyone
who might want to harm you?
91
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,220
[SCOFFS] Yeah. I mean, you don't get into
92
00:03:42,304 --> 00:03:43,680
this line of business to make friends.
93
00:03:43,764 --> 00:03:45,182
Really?
I would think making chocolate milk
94
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:46,266
is a great way to make friends.
95
00:03:46,350 --> 00:03:48,392
I don't have proof, but
the guy who did this to me
96
00:03:48,476 --> 00:03:49,769
is my business partner…
97
00:03:49,853 --> 00:03:50,854
Gregory Phillips.
98
00:03:50,979 --> 00:03:52,146
He's still pissed at me
99
00:03:52,230 --> 00:03:53,481
because I banned him from my 'straunt.
100
00:03:53,565 --> 00:03:55,107
He was supposed to be my silent partner,
101
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:56,358
but he wasn't silent.
102
00:03:56,442 --> 00:03:57,817
He was trying to control everything.
103
00:03:57,901 --> 00:03:58,985
Here. Try this.
104
00:03:59,069 --> 00:04:01,237
All right, here we go. Finally.
105
00:04:01,321 --> 00:04:02,573
JEFFORDS: All right.
106
00:04:03,407 --> 00:04:04,448
Oh!
107
00:04:04,532 --> 00:04:08,202
Oh! It's so bitter!
What's wrong with this chocolate milk?
108
00:04:08,703 --> 00:04:10,579
Dark milk isn't chocolate milk. Huh?
109
00:04:10,663 --> 00:04:13,081
This is teat-to-mouth raw cow's milk.
110
00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:16,515
The bitterness of the chocolate
brings out the sourness in the milk.
111
00:04:16,877 --> 00:04:19,129
That's the worst part
of both of those things.
112
00:04:19,838 --> 00:04:22,589
Uh… [CLEARS THROAT]
Time for my appointment, Jake.
113
00:04:22,673 --> 00:04:25,467
Yep, got it. All right.
We'll look into this and get back to you.
114
00:04:25,551 --> 00:04:28,053
Okay, Sarge.
Hate to be "that kind of a friend,"
115
00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:30,180
but let's go chop off that penis.
116
00:04:32,265 --> 00:04:33,891
Where were you? This is chaos.
117
00:04:33,975 --> 00:04:36,644
Gina's been filing
evidence by "perp" hotness.
118
00:04:36,728 --> 00:04:38,812
I'm so sorry. I just got some bad news.
119
00:04:38,896 --> 00:04:40,689
My sister was going to go
with me to an engagement party,
120
00:04:40,773 --> 00:04:42,148
but she had to cancel.
121
00:04:42,232 --> 00:04:44,484
So, go alone.
Maybe you'll meet some new bag.
122
00:04:44,568 --> 00:04:46,735
It's my ex-wife Eleanor's
engagement party.
123
00:04:46,819 --> 00:04:49,655
I can't go alone. I'm worried
it might seem a little pathetic.
124
00:04:49,739 --> 00:04:52,032
Yeah, if only you could
have gone with your sister.
125
00:04:52,116 --> 00:04:56,077
Dude. Why are you going to your
ex-wife's engagement party at all?
126
00:04:56,161 --> 00:04:59,288
She and her fiancé,
Hercules, are also my landlords.
127
00:04:59,372 --> 00:05:02,572
I mean, it's not like I can avoid them.
I live in their basement.
128
00:05:03,209 --> 00:05:06,253
Hey! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
129
00:05:06,337 --> 00:05:08,088
No. You could go with me.
130
00:05:08,172 --> 00:05:10,048
Can't. I have a date tomorrow night.
131
00:05:10,132 --> 00:05:11,925
Okay. I will figure something out.
132
00:05:13,468 --> 00:05:16,345
I know.
Maybe if I pay my neighbor, JoAnn,
133
00:05:16,429 --> 00:05:18,229
she'll ditch her wife for the night.
134
00:05:20,182 --> 00:05:22,017
Captain, I don't know
if this is too much,
135
00:05:22,101 --> 00:05:24,853
but I got Deputy Chief Brandt
this little basket of pears.
136
00:05:24,937 --> 00:05:27,688
They look ripe and crispy.
137
00:05:28,606 --> 00:05:29,756
WUNTCH: Hello, Raymond.
138
00:05:35,654 --> 00:05:37,280
Captain Wuntch. Good to see you.
139
00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:41,076
But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?
140
00:05:41,618 --> 00:05:43,577
It's Deputy Chief Wuntch now.
141
00:05:43,661 --> 00:05:46,038
Unsurprisingly, I've
been promoted above you.
142
00:05:46,122 --> 00:05:47,822
And now, I'm here to evaluate you.
143
00:05:48,249 --> 00:05:49,332
HOLT: What happened to Brandt?
144
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:52,793
He retired and moved to Charleston
to be closer to his grandchildren.
145
00:05:52,877 --> 00:05:55,254
So much for dying at your
desk with a little dignity.
146
00:05:55,338 --> 00:05:58,299
Interesting.
I will attempt to cooperate with you
147
00:05:58,383 --> 00:06:00,967
under these new circumstances.
148
00:06:01,051 --> 00:06:03,101
Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
149
00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:06,849
I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.
150
00:06:09,433 --> 00:06:12,937
Hey, hey. How did it go?
Is his voice all high-pitched now?
151
00:06:13,271 --> 00:06:14,521
What? No, of course not.
152
00:06:14,605 --> 00:06:15,647
Of course not.
153
00:06:15,731 --> 00:06:18,775
Jake!
The doctors made me into a superhero.
154
00:06:19,192 --> 00:06:21,194
I'm so strong.
155
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,655
And they made me black.
156
00:06:24,989 --> 00:06:26,281
He's on a lot of medication.
157
00:06:26,365 --> 00:06:27,949
We weren't able to do the procedure.
158
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,034
Your friend is so large…
159
00:06:29,118 --> 00:06:31,818
That you needed a bigger
saw to get through his dingus?
160
00:06:32,163 --> 00:06:34,622
No, his body is so physically massive
161
00:06:34,706 --> 00:06:36,999
that we didn't have
enough anesthesia on hand.
162
00:06:37,083 --> 00:06:38,626
He needs a much larger dose.
163
00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:40,086
Psst. Psst, Jake. Mmm.
164
00:06:40,420 --> 00:06:45,048
Sometimes, I can't tell my twin baby girls
apart, so I call them both "Boo-Boo."
165
00:06:45,382 --> 00:06:46,633
[BOTH LAUGHING]
166
00:06:46,717 --> 00:06:47,801
Oh, wow.
167
00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:49,260
So, he has no filter whatsoever?
168
00:06:49,344 --> 00:06:50,344
None.
169
00:06:50,428 --> 00:06:52,012
I'm going to take you home now, Sarge.
170
00:06:52,096 --> 00:06:54,046
Hey. What do you think of Captain Holt?
171
00:06:54,599 --> 00:06:56,141
Ah, he needs to smoke some weed.
172
00:06:56,225 --> 00:06:58,602
Yes! Thank you, Dr. Penis-off!
173
00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:01,469
PERALTA: Okay. In you go. [LAUGHS]
174
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:04,149
Whoo-hoo!
175
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:08,235
Dude, your head is so small.
176
00:07:08,402 --> 00:07:10,403
Like a… Hmm, yeah.
177
00:07:10,487 --> 00:07:14,199
No, no, it's so small!
178
00:07:14,324 --> 00:07:16,158
Where do you keep your brains?
179
00:07:16,242 --> 00:07:17,243
[LAUGHS]
180
00:07:17,577 --> 00:07:20,705
Ah! Good.
181
00:07:21,247 --> 00:07:23,748
All right.
Got your PJs on, read you a story,
182
00:07:23,832 --> 00:07:25,333
checked under the bed for monsters.
183
00:07:25,417 --> 00:07:28,128
Check again. And now, it's sleepy time.
184
00:07:28,212 --> 00:07:29,879
So, here we go. Get in the bed.
185
00:07:29,963 --> 00:07:33,023
Wait. Wait. Wait.
You've got to promise me
186
00:07:33,107 --> 00:07:36,177
you won't let them give me the operation.
187
00:07:37,011 --> 00:07:40,722
I want to have more kids.
I don't want the vasectomy.
188
00:07:40,847 --> 00:07:43,058
Promise me, Tiny Head. Promise me!
189
00:07:43,183 --> 00:07:45,518
All right, I promise. I promise.
190
00:07:45,602 --> 00:07:46,728
Good.
191
00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:52,733
Because I'm not done with my
testicles yet. I'm going to let them sing.
192
00:07:53,275 --> 00:07:55,027
[HIGH-PITCHED VOCALIZING]
193
00:07:55,361 --> 00:07:56,527
PERALTA: Hey! Oh!
194
00:08:00,114 --> 00:08:03,326
Uh-oh. Walk of shame.
Same clothes as yesterday.
195
00:08:03,742 --> 00:08:05,952
I slept at the Sarge's. It was horrible.
196
00:08:06,036 --> 00:08:09,248
Come here, phone.
197
00:08:10,207 --> 00:08:12,291
All right, let's get going
and interview that suspect.
198
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:14,960
I have my make-up
vasectomy this afternoon, so…
199
00:08:15,044 --> 00:08:16,587
I'm sorry, your what-what vasectomy?
200
00:08:16,671 --> 00:08:18,213
Last night, you told
me you didn't want that.
201
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:21,841
Then, you fell on top of me and
changed the shape of my skeleton forever.
202
00:08:21,925 --> 00:08:27,222
Nah, I definitely want one. That was
the drugs talking. I was high as a kite.
203
00:08:31,058 --> 00:08:33,018
Did I do this and call you Tiny Head?
204
00:08:33,102 --> 00:08:34,103
Yes.
205
00:08:35,187 --> 00:08:36,729
Some things are coming back to me now.
206
00:08:36,813 --> 00:08:38,022
Oh, that's great.
207
00:08:38,106 --> 00:08:40,065
JEFFORDS [LAUGHING]: Tiny Head.
208
00:08:40,149 --> 00:08:43,694
Jake, I am so scared that man
is about to make a huge mistake,
209
00:08:43,778 --> 00:08:45,570
RE, his vas deferens.
210
00:08:45,654 --> 00:08:48,406
I know. He made me promise
to not let him get that surgery.
211
00:08:48,490 --> 00:08:49,908
And it wasn't just the drugs.
212
00:08:49,992 --> 00:08:51,201
He doesn't want this.
213
00:08:51,535 --> 00:08:53,744
As his friend, it's my job to stop him.
214
00:08:55,079 --> 00:08:57,373
[SCREAMING IN PAIN]
215
00:08:58,499 --> 00:09:01,399
Sorry, Terry turned my spine
into a loose stack of pebbles.
216
00:09:01,710 --> 00:09:07,965
And since my arrival, violent
crime has gone down by 17.3%,
217
00:09:08,049 --> 00:09:09,050
as you can see here.
218
00:09:09,551 --> 00:09:12,802
Two-toned graphs?
You think you can distract me
219
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,686
from this precinct's problems
with a flashy presentation?
220
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:19,183
Same old Ray Holt. All sizzle, no steak.
221
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,477
I'm off to do some spot checks.
222
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,815
Oh, my God.
She's totally going to flunk us.
223
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:29,067
I haven't gotten an "F" since I
failed recess in second grade.
224
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:31,027
"Teachers need a break, too, Amy."
225
00:09:31,111 --> 00:09:33,961
We were doomed the minute
she slithered into the precinct.
226
00:09:34,239 --> 00:09:38,200
It's funny.
When we first met, we had some good times.
227
00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:43,037
Looks like we both want that stapler.
228
00:09:43,121 --> 00:09:45,122
Seems that way, based on what happened.
229
00:09:45,206 --> 00:09:46,750
[LAUGHING]
230
00:09:48,877 --> 00:09:50,544
So, when did it all go south?
231
00:09:50,628 --> 00:09:53,588
1989. I was up for a big promotion,
232
00:09:53,672 --> 00:09:55,423
which would have fast-tracked my career.
233
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,592
Wuntch offered to write a
letter on my behalf, but instead,
234
00:09:57,676 --> 00:10:00,970
she torpedoed me, because
of something that happened
235
00:10:01,054 --> 00:10:03,004
the night before she was to turn it in.
236
00:10:03,931 --> 00:10:04,974
Madeline.
237
00:10:07,477 --> 00:10:08,518
Would you care for a drink?
238
00:10:08,602 --> 00:10:09,644
I'd love one.
239
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:13,022
I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk.
I've had a couple,
240
00:10:13,106 --> 00:10:14,358
to build up the nerve.
241
00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:17,443
I think we both know
what I'm about to say.
242
00:10:18,194 --> 00:10:22,031
Raymond, I don't think
we need to say anything.
243
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,620
I'm gay.
That's what I was going to tell you.
244
00:10:29,579 --> 00:10:30,663
Well, then.
245
00:10:31,706 --> 00:10:35,876
She sabotaged my career
because I refused to bed her.
246
00:10:38,212 --> 00:10:40,630
He thinks I stabbed him? That's crazy.
247
00:10:40,714 --> 00:10:43,382
He said you were furious at him
because he banned you from the restaurant
248
00:10:43,466 --> 00:10:45,510
and called your business plans terrible.
249
00:10:45,968 --> 00:10:49,595
The text reads, "Your
ideas are dumb-dumb batter
250
00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:53,266
"in a stupid pancake, you
steaming pile of human fences."
251
00:10:54,226 --> 00:10:56,603
I assume that was
autocorrected from "feces".
252
00:10:56,937 --> 00:10:59,938
Look, partners fight.
He's difficult to work with,
253
00:11:00,022 --> 00:11:01,648
but I would never try and kill him.
254
00:11:01,732 --> 00:11:04,318
Where were you on
Monday around 10 p.m.?
255
00:11:04,485 --> 00:11:06,610
Me and my business school
buddies get together every Monday
256
00:11:06,694 --> 00:11:07,862
and have a couple beers.
257
00:11:07,946 --> 00:11:10,906
Also, there's a, uh, Pilates
studio with a huge window
258
00:11:10,990 --> 00:11:11,991
across the street.
259
00:11:12,075 --> 00:11:14,618
So, it's a pretty sweet view.
260
00:11:15,202 --> 00:11:16,953
I guess that's not as bad
as stabbing someone?
261
00:11:17,037 --> 00:11:19,497
I left around 10:00,
took the subway home,
262
00:11:19,581 --> 00:11:21,708
got off at York Street around my house,
263
00:11:21,792 --> 00:11:23,459
puked on a statue, went to bed.
264
00:11:23,543 --> 00:11:26,128
Classy. All right, well, we've
taken up enough of your time.
265
00:11:26,212 --> 00:11:30,133
Enjoy the rest of your day and go back
to your life as a pile of human fences.
266
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:33,551
Okay. Let's see if any of Dark Milk's
neighbors saw the "Pilates Perv,"
267
00:11:33,635 --> 00:11:35,511
or anyone else, fleeing
the scene of the crime.
268
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,221
Copy that. We'll do some cop stuff,
269
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:38,389
have a heart-to-heart
about your vasectomy,
270
00:11:38,473 --> 00:11:41,058
cancel your vasectomy, grab
some drinks, laugh about the time
271
00:11:41,142 --> 00:11:42,142
you almost got a vasectomy.
272
00:11:42,226 --> 00:11:44,126
Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man.
273
00:11:44,728 --> 00:11:46,355
Maybe you should focus on your own body.
274
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,147
When's the last time you had a carrot?
275
00:11:48,231 --> 00:11:50,941
Well, it's my least favorite
type of cake, so rarely.
276
00:11:51,025 --> 00:11:53,110
If I absolutely have to,
I'll just eat the frosting.
277
00:11:53,194 --> 00:11:55,029
Hey. Cut it out, Cake Boy.
278
00:11:55,113 --> 00:11:58,156
You're making health insurance
more expensive for everyone else.
279
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,990
Yeah, well, you know what else drives
up premiums? Unwanted genital removal.
280
00:12:02,161 --> 00:12:03,245
[DOOR OPENS]
281
00:12:03,578 --> 00:12:04,579
[EXHALES]
282
00:12:05,037 --> 00:12:06,997
Thank you for coming.
I wasn't sure if you'd get my message.
283
00:12:07,081 --> 00:12:08,931
Charles, it was kind of hard to miss.
284
00:12:10,293 --> 00:12:11,627
Oh, God!
285
00:12:12,169 --> 00:12:13,169
I didn't know what to do.
286
00:12:13,253 --> 00:12:14,796
You said we weren't
allowed to talk at work
287
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,047
now that we're knocking boots.
288
00:12:16,131 --> 00:12:17,298
Ew. Gross.
289
00:12:17,382 --> 00:12:20,175
Listen, my ex-wife's throwing an
engagement party this weekend
290
00:12:20,259 --> 00:12:24,096
and I was wondering if
you wanted to go, as friends.
291
00:12:24,263 --> 00:12:28,058
No. Charles.
Just because we have secret, shameful sex,
292
00:12:28,142 --> 00:12:29,767
does not mean we are friends.
293
00:12:30,018 --> 00:12:31,936
Forget friends. Let's go as "Bone Bros".
294
00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,021
[GASPS]
295
00:12:33,313 --> 00:12:35,856
I didn't strike you when
you said "knocking boots",
296
00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:39,401
but "Bone Bros"? I cannot abide.
297
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,904
Have you seen this man around Dark Milk?
298
00:12:42,988 --> 00:12:44,038
Oh, I don't go there.
299
00:12:44,615 --> 00:12:45,989
They don't allow babies in there.
300
00:12:46,073 --> 00:12:49,827
What is wrong with them? All I drank
when I was a baby was chocolate milk.
301
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:51,703
Well, thank you for your time.
302
00:12:51,787 --> 00:12:53,913
And thank you, adorable little
baby, who's probably giving
303
00:12:53,997 --> 00:12:56,297
my partner some mixed
feelings right about now.
304
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:58,709
[HIGH-PITCHED BABY VOICE]
"Don't get the operation, Sarge.
305
00:12:58,793 --> 00:13:01,670
"Instead, make a tiny muscular
friend for me to play with."
306
00:13:01,754 --> 00:13:02,754
That's enough.
307
00:13:02,838 --> 00:13:04,089
[NORMAL VOICE] I'm with you.
That's enough, baby.
308
00:13:04,173 --> 00:13:05,323
Mind your own business.
309
00:13:06,050 --> 00:13:09,719
I haven't heard of Dark Milk, and
I've never seen this man before.
310
00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:12,597
This is your lead? Why are we here?
311
00:13:13,097 --> 00:13:14,098
Well, according to the Internet,
312
00:13:14,182 --> 00:13:17,393
Dr. Mindel is the best couples
counselor in the Park Slope area,
313
00:13:17,477 --> 00:13:19,144
who accepts same day walk-ins.
314
00:13:19,228 --> 00:13:21,772
Couples counseling?
Sorry for wasting your time.
315
00:13:22,189 --> 00:13:23,356
Wait. Please don't leave.
316
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,108
-This cost me so much money.
-[DOOR OPENS]
317
00:13:25,192 --> 00:13:26,192
[DOOR CLOSES]
318
00:13:27,151 --> 00:13:28,194
I am so sorry.
319
00:13:28,653 --> 00:13:31,572
He's walking out.
Just like your father did.
320
00:13:32,448 --> 00:13:34,032
Wait a minute.
I didn't tell you about that.
321
00:13:34,116 --> 00:13:35,116
Didn't have to.
322
00:13:35,951 --> 00:13:37,285
You are good.
323
00:13:38,662 --> 00:13:42,081
Sarge, wait up. Come on. Don't be mad.
324
00:13:42,165 --> 00:13:45,375
Look, I'm only trying to protect
you from your very stupid self.
325
00:13:45,459 --> 00:13:46,919
That is enough, Jake.
326
00:13:47,836 --> 00:13:50,130
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
But the things you said when you were
327
00:13:50,214 --> 00:13:53,716
whacked out were real.
You made me promise. And as your friend…
328
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,553
I told you, Jake.
We're not that kind of friends.
329
00:13:57,095 --> 00:13:58,429
Not what kind of friends?
330
00:13:58,513 --> 00:14:01,848
Friend-friends.
You and I are work-friends.
331
00:14:01,932 --> 00:14:05,352
Now, if you will excuse me,
I'm going to the doctor's office.
332
00:14:07,853 --> 00:14:11,816
Not good enough. Prepare to be
physically overpowered by a friend-friend.
333
00:14:12,316 --> 00:14:13,317
Ah!
334
00:14:14,026 --> 00:14:17,445
Cancel the appointment.
I've got you. You can't move.
335
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,908
Concede defeat, sir!
You have been conquered.
336
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:27,384
Spot-checks are done. Needless to
say, I am thoroughly underwhelmed.
337
00:14:27,746 --> 00:14:32,001
Huh. From your expression, I would
have guessed constipated or chilly.
338
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:35,628
Excuse us, Captain. I don't
want to say that I've saved the day,
339
00:14:36,004 --> 00:14:39,132
but I will, because I did. So…
340
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:43,844
The letter of recommendation
she wrote for you 25 years ago.
341
00:14:45,137 --> 00:14:46,137
Where'd you get this?
342
00:14:46,221 --> 00:14:47,889
I just went down to One Police Plaza
343
00:14:47,973 --> 00:14:50,141
and applied some of
my signature Amy charm.
344
00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:53,143
And then, when you wouldn't
stop, they just gave it to you?
345
00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:56,979
More or less.
The point is, the letter's very positive.
346
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,981
You thought she wrote
mean stuff about you
347
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,651
because of the night before.
348
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:02,902
But she didn't.
349
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,529
It was all a misunderstanding.
350
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:08,490
Wait a minute. You thought I cost
you that promotion because you're gay?
351
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:12,077
That's what you've been
mad about all these years?
352
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,078
It's one reason.
353
00:15:14,287 --> 00:15:16,580
I don't care that you
rejected my advances.
354
00:15:16,664 --> 00:15:20,209
Your sexual identity is the one
thing I actually respect about you.
355
00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:22,293
Then, what are you mad about?
356
00:15:22,377 --> 00:15:25,046
I'm mad because you tried
to get me thrown off the force.
357
00:15:25,130 --> 00:15:26,714
Yeah, because you shot me.
358
00:15:26,798 --> 00:15:31,009
I shot you because you were in the wrong
position. You weren't following orders.
359
00:15:31,093 --> 00:15:34,054
What about the time you destroyed my
personnel file while I was undercover?
360
00:15:34,138 --> 00:15:35,138
What if there had been a mole?
361
00:15:35,222 --> 00:15:36,265
You were trying to make me disappear.
362
00:15:36,349 --> 00:15:38,449
You embarrassed me
in front of Derek Jeter.
363
00:15:38,683 --> 00:15:43,813
You embarrassed yourself
in front of Derek Jeter.
364
00:15:48,984 --> 00:15:52,988
Hey, Rosa.
Better file me under "E" for "Edgy."
365
00:15:53,489 --> 00:15:54,615
What?
366
00:15:54,864 --> 00:15:55,948
Cornrows!
367
00:15:56,032 --> 00:15:58,075
Why? My ex-wife and her fiancé
368
00:15:58,159 --> 00:16:00,953
go to Jamaica all the time.
The theme of their party is
369
00:16:01,037 --> 00:16:03,163
"Jamaican Me Marry You". So good.
370
00:16:04,081 --> 00:16:06,416
So, I still don't have a date
371
00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:09,795
unless a sweet maize-head
has changed your mind.
372
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,420
I think we both know it hasn't.
373
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,254
We do. [CLEARS THROAT] Fair enough.
374
00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:15,424
[SIGHS]
375
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:16,967
Why do you look so terrible?
376
00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:19,428
I tried to stop Sarge
from getting his tubes tied.
377
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,721
But he somehow managed
to sneak off to the hospital.
378
00:16:21,805 --> 00:16:23,472
Zip that lip. He's doing it?
379
00:16:23,556 --> 00:16:25,891
He wouldn't listen to me.
He said I was a "work friend".
380
00:16:25,975 --> 00:16:29,186
Oh, that chills me.
And it reminds me of a story.
381
00:16:29,311 --> 00:16:31,563
I had this sweater, and
it was a work sweater
382
00:16:31,647 --> 00:16:33,397
because it only seemed work aprope.
383
00:16:33,524 --> 00:16:37,151
But one time, I wore it out
to dinner, and I was like,
384
00:16:37,235 --> 00:16:40,321
"Oh, dang.
This sweater is cute everywhere."
385
00:16:41,698 --> 00:16:44,407
I get it. I'm the sweater. No.
386
00:16:44,491 --> 00:16:46,075
And I have to show the
Sarge I can be a good friend
387
00:16:46,159 --> 00:16:48,036
to him outside of work, too. No.
388
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,070
Thank you, Gina. I'm going to stop him.
389
00:16:50,247 --> 00:16:53,297
Jake, I have no idea what
you're talking about, but good luck.
390
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:57,002
Well, goodbye, Raymond.
Anything you'd like to say to me
391
00:16:57,086 --> 00:16:58,962
before I complete my evaluation?
392
00:16:59,046 --> 00:17:00,796
Something in the form of groveling?
393
00:17:01,131 --> 00:17:03,508
Never. Fail me if you must.
394
00:17:08,054 --> 00:17:09,929
You're just going to let her fail us?
395
00:17:10,013 --> 00:17:13,433
I'm sorry about your precious grade,
Santiago, but this isn't about you.
396
00:17:13,517 --> 00:17:15,393
Don't "this isn't about you" me.
397
00:17:15,477 --> 00:17:17,478
I'm "this isn't about you"-ing you.
398
00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:20,022
That grade is the only
thing standing between
399
00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:22,816
me and a future where
you're not my captain anymore.
400
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,027
Wuntch failed the Nine-Oh
and their captain was fired.
401
00:17:25,111 --> 00:17:27,946
I attempted to cajole
her, but she rebuffed me.
402
00:17:28,321 --> 00:17:31,199
I'm not a man of unlimited cajoling.
403
00:17:31,908 --> 00:17:33,618
Well, you better become one,
404
00:17:33,702 --> 00:17:34,993
because I need you in command.
405
00:17:35,077 --> 00:17:39,915
This precinct needs you in command.
Cajole up, Captain.
406
00:17:47,422 --> 00:17:49,007
Sarge. Hey.
407
00:17:49,883 --> 00:17:53,177
What the hell are you
doing here, Tiny Head?
408
00:17:53,969 --> 00:17:57,347
You better not be trying to
talk me out of my surgery again.
409
00:17:57,431 --> 00:17:59,181
Look, I'm not trying to
talk you out of anything.
410
00:17:59,265 --> 00:18:01,100
I'm just here to give you a ride home
411
00:18:01,184 --> 00:18:02,559
and to prove to you, once and for all,
412
00:18:02,643 --> 00:18:04,543
that I'm more than just a work friend.
413
00:18:04,979 --> 00:18:07,188
Thank you, Microscope Head.
414
00:18:07,272 --> 00:18:08,356
Hey, little bit of good news.
415
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,691
I figured out the case.
416
00:18:09,775 --> 00:18:11,693
Remember Gregory said he
got off at the York Street station
417
00:18:11,777 --> 00:18:12,902
the night of the stabbing?
418
00:18:12,986 --> 00:18:13,986
Well, I took the subway here,
419
00:18:14,070 --> 00:18:15,071
and it's closed for construction.
420
00:18:15,155 --> 00:18:17,490
Hmm. So, what you're saying is…
421
00:18:18,616 --> 00:18:21,118
I stabbed him. I did it.
422
00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:23,852
You know what?
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
423
00:18:24,078 --> 00:18:25,378
See you on the other side.
424
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:33,962
Jake, you were right.
I don't want the surgery, Tiny Head!
425
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:37,796
NYPD! Put down the scalpel and step
away from my work friend's wiener tubes!
426
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:41,969
Looking good, Boyle.
427
00:18:42,386 --> 00:18:43,721
That's not a good sign.
428
00:18:44,388 --> 00:18:45,389
DIAZ: Hey, mon.
429
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:48,350
Rosa. You changed your mind.
430
00:18:48,809 --> 00:18:51,477
I blew off my date, and instead,
I'm going to spend a hellish evening
431
00:18:51,561 --> 00:18:53,771
in a Jamaican torture chamber with you.
432
00:18:53,855 --> 00:18:55,022
Really? Yeah.
433
00:18:55,106 --> 00:18:56,523
Here's what's about to happen.
434
00:18:56,607 --> 00:18:57,858
We're going to go to this terrible party.
435
00:18:57,942 --> 00:18:59,025
I'm going to laugh at all your jokes.
436
00:18:59,109 --> 00:19:00,110
I'm going to talk about
your Medal of Valor,
437
00:19:00,194 --> 00:19:02,529
and I'm going to make you look
like a Jamaican God of Rhythm.
438
00:19:02,613 --> 00:19:03,989
Sebastian from The Little Mermaid.
439
00:19:04,073 --> 00:19:07,617
Also, tomorrow, I'm going to
help you find a new apartment.
440
00:19:08,201 --> 00:19:10,286
You can't live in your
ex-wife's basement anymore.
441
00:19:10,370 --> 00:19:14,456
Wow. Respect, mon.
I'm going to read you my toast in the car.
442
00:19:15,165 --> 00:19:16,166
You're giving a toast?
443
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:18,293
More like we're giving a toast. Ugh.
444
00:19:20,128 --> 00:19:21,254
PERALTA: Here we go.
445
00:19:21,338 --> 00:19:23,172
Jake, I have to tell you something.
446
00:19:23,256 --> 00:19:24,256
Oh, boy.
447
00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:27,552
I am a little conflicted
about having a vasectomy.
448
00:19:27,927 --> 00:19:30,827
Really? Is that why you threw
an EKG machine at the doctor?
449
00:19:31,096 --> 00:19:35,141
I'm sorry I thought of you as a
work friend. You're here, man.
450
00:19:35,350 --> 00:19:41,146
You're a friend-friend. You made Terry
get real with himself and his genitals.
451
00:19:42,356 --> 00:19:46,276
Your tiny head has a big heart inside it.
452
00:19:48,194 --> 00:19:50,947
I know that's scientifically
wrong, but thanks, Sarge.
453
00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:53,783
I'm going to talk to my
wife when she comes home.
454
00:19:55,242 --> 00:19:58,620
You're a huggy, good… Wait! …friend.
455
00:19:58,704 --> 00:20:00,330
No! Not again.
456
00:20:01,415 --> 00:20:02,540
Santiago.
457
00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:04,250
We received our grade.
458
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,587
Oh, my God. Is this goodbye?
459
00:20:08,421 --> 00:20:10,464
There's still so much
I have to say to you.
460
00:20:10,548 --> 00:20:13,800
2.7. Mediocre.
461
00:20:14,342 --> 00:20:16,092
But enough for you to stick around.
462
00:20:16,678 --> 00:20:18,304
How did you get her to change her mind?
463
00:20:18,388 --> 00:20:20,488
I had to compromise
everything I stand for.
464
00:20:20,681 --> 00:20:24,601
You are now, and always have
been the superior police officer.
465
00:20:24,685 --> 00:20:25,769
And?
466
00:20:27,896 --> 00:20:29,689
The Derek Jeter thing was my fault.
467
00:20:31,357 --> 00:20:32,858
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
468
00:20:32,942 --> 00:20:35,361
No, you were right.
This is the best job I've ever had,
469
00:20:35,445 --> 00:20:38,195
and it would be foolish to
give it up over a petty feud.
470
00:20:39,114 --> 00:20:40,824
Here, this is for you.
471
00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:43,576
It's a grade for your
performance these past two days.
472
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:46,370
A letter grade, so as
to not be weird about it.
473
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,540
Oh, my God. You really shouldn't have.
474
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:51,792
An "A".
475
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:53,835
Thank you.
476
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,797
Just curious, does your
system have pluses in it?
477
00:20:57,881 --> 00:20:59,466
Or is, like, "A" the highest?
478
00:21:02,593 --> 00:21:03,943
How'd the interrogation go?
479
00:21:04,345 --> 00:21:06,045
Gregory confessed to the stabbing.
480
00:21:06,513 --> 00:21:07,556
Nice work.
481
00:21:08,474 --> 00:21:10,224
I just talked to my wife.
482
00:21:10,308 --> 00:21:11,600
We're waiting on the operation.
483
00:21:11,684 --> 00:21:12,852
Everything's cool.
484
00:21:12,936 --> 00:21:14,770
Did you tell her we slept together twice?
485
00:21:14,854 --> 00:21:16,397
Thanks for taking care of me.
486
00:21:16,981 --> 00:21:18,106
I got you a present.
487
00:21:19,566 --> 00:21:21,276
Do you know what a present is, Terry?
488
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,945
I care about my friends.
489
00:21:23,362 --> 00:21:25,279
Now, eat your carrots,
490
00:21:25,363 --> 00:21:27,114
or I'll rip your tiny head off.
491
00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:28,783
No. No. No! Come here.
492
00:21:29,241 --> 00:21:32,370
[GRUNTS] I hate being friends with you!