1
00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:05,490
All right, gang. Diet day four.
How's everyone holding up?
2
00:00:05,574 --> 00:00:08,076
Honestly, I'm going to last forever.
3
00:00:08,327 --> 00:00:09,744
You hear that, bitches?
4
00:00:09,828 --> 00:00:12,248
♪ I'm going to last forever… ♪
5
00:00:12,373 --> 00:00:13,874
-[GINA LAUGHS]
-AMY: I'm doing great.
6
00:00:13,958 --> 00:00:16,836
This morning, the homeless guy on
my stoop said my skin looked dope.
7
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:17,920
HOLT: What's going on?
8
00:00:18,004 --> 00:00:19,839
Why do you all have matching bags?
9
00:00:19,923 --> 00:00:21,383
We're doing a diet together.
10
00:00:21,467 --> 00:00:22,467
My wife found it.
11
00:00:22,551 --> 00:00:24,970
She heard about it at
mommy and me graphic design.
12
00:00:25,054 --> 00:00:27,223
Wait, it might have been toddler karate.
13
00:00:27,473 --> 00:00:30,852
[LAUGHS] She takes our little ladies to
so many classes, I can't keep it straight.
14
00:00:30,936 --> 00:00:32,603
Childhood is truly a time of wonder.
15
00:00:32,687 --> 00:00:34,564
AMY: This diet is very scientific, sir.
16
00:00:34,648 --> 00:00:37,234
All the meals are pre-planned
and delivered to your doorstep.
17
00:00:37,318 --> 00:00:38,418
This is our breakfast.
18
00:00:38,819 --> 00:00:42,114
HOLT: An orange wedge, three
cashew nuts, and a solitary grape.
19
00:00:42,365 --> 00:00:44,116
It's actually more than you realize.
20
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,244
Sometimes, I can't
even finish all the grape.
21
00:00:46,328 --> 00:00:48,913
Well, this seems unnecessary to me.
You're all in perfect shape.
22
00:00:48,997 --> 00:00:50,707
You can always be healthier, sir.
23
00:00:50,832 --> 00:00:52,125
AMY: And I like the challenge.
24
00:00:52,209 --> 00:00:53,919
Plus, it's good team building.
25
00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:55,754
We're going to get through this together.
26
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:57,382
Hey, guys, pro-tip.
27
00:00:57,799 --> 00:01:00,260
Lick the baggy.
There's food molecules in there.
28
00:01:00,385 --> 00:01:02,262
Oh! That's so smart.
29
00:01:02,346 --> 00:01:03,389
ALL: Mmm…
30
00:01:03,973 --> 00:01:05,975
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
31
00:01:25,789 --> 00:01:28,082
What are you doing here?
Isn't it your day off?
32
00:01:28,166 --> 00:01:30,168
Yes, stalker, it is my day off.
33
00:01:30,252 --> 00:01:31,878
But I'm here to meet Charles.
34
00:01:31,962 --> 00:01:33,631
Did you hear what he did last night?
35
00:01:33,715 --> 00:01:35,425
Drink it, Jake. Drink it.
36
00:01:35,592 --> 00:01:37,093
What's up your tiny sleeve?
37
00:01:38,469 --> 00:01:39,804
Mmm…
38
00:01:41,264 --> 00:01:42,849
Why is there a bow tie in here?
39
00:01:42,933 --> 00:01:43,934
Wait a minute.
40
00:01:44,018 --> 00:01:45,685
Jake Peralta, will you be my best man?
41
00:01:45,769 --> 00:01:48,522
Yes. Yes! A thousand times yes!
42
00:01:49,064 --> 00:01:50,817
Wow. Best man.
43
00:01:51,443 --> 00:01:53,611
So, are you going to set
up shop in a strip club?
44
00:01:53,695 --> 00:01:55,345
What kind of shop would I set up?
45
00:01:55,739 --> 00:01:57,889
Hand sanitizer.
I would sell hand sanitizer.
46
00:01:58,117 --> 00:01:59,118
And no…
47
00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:01,870
I was hoping that my best man
duties would be all whiskey and cigars,
48
00:02:01,954 --> 00:02:03,413
but this is Charles we're talking about.
49
00:02:03,497 --> 00:02:05,582
So, we've got two straight
days of wedding planning.
50
00:02:05,666 --> 00:02:07,210
Plus, he gave me this to prep.
51
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,963
Fancy Brudgom.
52
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,840
It means fancy groom in Danish.
53
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,010
According to Charles, the Danes throw
the most beautiful weddings in the world.
54
00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:17,347
And the most violent funerals.
55
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,864
This does not look like
something you'd be into.
56
00:02:21,017 --> 00:02:25,522
Normally, yes. But I am now
Charles' forlover, best man, Danish.
57
00:02:25,814 --> 00:02:28,358
So, it is my duty to
support him no matter
58
00:02:28,442 --> 00:02:30,862
what weird, crazy,
Charles-y ideas he has.
59
00:02:31,154 --> 00:02:32,446
Let's do this.
60
00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:34,324
There he is. My groom!
61
00:02:34,491 --> 00:02:36,826
Hello, my big, beautiful BM. Best man.
62
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:37,910
Just best man is fine.
63
00:02:37,994 --> 00:02:39,955
I hope you rested.
We're going to be on our feet all day.
64
00:02:40,039 --> 00:02:42,249
I am totally prepared.
I even bought some nurse shoes.
65
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,168
Love them. Mmm-hmm.
66
00:02:44,377 --> 00:02:46,337
Let me grab this. And grab this.
67
00:02:46,838 --> 00:02:49,966
Let me grab this.
First stop, kagesmagning! Grab me! You!
68
00:02:50,050 --> 00:02:51,051
Cake tasting!
69
00:02:51,510 --> 00:02:52,511
Wow.
70
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,603
You wanted to see me, sir?
71
00:02:56,265 --> 00:02:58,934
I understand you stopped by the
patrol officers' morning briefing?
72
00:02:59,018 --> 00:03:01,270
Yeah. Officer Deetmore helped
me out with my crime scene,
73
00:03:01,354 --> 00:03:03,273
so I gave him a little thank you present.
74
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:04,441
Hey, Deetmore.
75
00:03:04,525 --> 00:03:06,818
If you're going to bag
evidence like a five-year-old,
76
00:03:06,902 --> 00:03:08,552
you should have the proper tools.
77
00:03:08,904 --> 00:03:10,354
It's a "My First Police Kit."
78
00:03:10,781 --> 00:03:12,381
The walkie-talkie blows bubbles.
79
00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:14,494
Hope you can handle it.
80
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,413
[LAUGHING]
81
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:20,501
He mislabeled the weapon like an idiot,
82
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,002
and it almost got filed
with the wrong case.
83
00:03:22,086 --> 00:03:23,503
He could have blown months of work.
84
00:03:23,587 --> 00:03:26,298
You humiliated Officer
Deetmore in front of his peers.
85
00:03:26,382 --> 00:03:28,593
He submitted an official
complaint against you.
86
00:03:28,677 --> 00:03:30,595
Did he fill it out in crayon? No.
87
00:03:30,679 --> 00:03:33,222
But he did use a green pen
which seems crazy to me.
88
00:03:33,306 --> 00:03:36,018
The good news is, if you
go down there and apologize,
89
00:03:36,686 --> 00:03:37,853
he'll let the whole thing go.
90
00:03:37,937 --> 00:03:40,687
Fine, I'm great at apologizing.
I'm a very sweet person.
91
00:03:41,607 --> 00:03:42,775
Out of my way, chunk.
92
00:03:42,859 --> 00:03:44,027
Ooh.
93
00:03:45,404 --> 00:03:49,574
Jake, I've got to tell you. The engaged
life is amazing, especially sexually.
94
00:03:49,658 --> 00:03:50,867
Well, I don't want to pry.
95
00:03:50,951 --> 00:03:52,912
You're not prying.
I want you to know this. No.
96
00:03:52,996 --> 00:03:56,207
Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse
itinerary that we have planned.
97
00:03:56,291 --> 00:03:59,293
Oh, I'm usually more of a
chocolate guy, but this one's closer.
98
00:03:59,377 --> 00:04:00,671
So, I'm going to do that.
99
00:04:01,005 --> 00:04:03,841
Ah! Hot! Hot! Spicy cake, why?
100
00:04:03,966 --> 00:04:08,722
That's habañero pepper frosting,
because our marriage is going to sizzle!
101
00:04:10,223 --> 00:04:11,873
Unless you think it's a bad idea.
102
00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:15,520
No. It sounds like a great idea, Oprah.
103
00:04:16,146 --> 00:04:17,565
Two. One.
104
00:04:19,484 --> 00:04:22,111
Okay, be kind.
I don't have a model's body like you.
105
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,695
Come on. Show me what you got.
106
00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:27,117
Fred Astaire. Gene Kelly.
107
00:04:27,326 --> 00:04:28,786
Liberace. Diane Keaton.
108
00:04:29,077 --> 00:04:30,162
Roger that.
109
00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:31,497
God.
110
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:35,293
Okay, Charles. You're not Scottish.
111
00:04:35,877 --> 00:04:37,677
Yeah. Get back in there, Braveheart.
112
00:04:38,338 --> 00:04:40,800
Summer linen suit, casual but classic.
113
00:04:41,217 --> 00:04:42,426
Actually not bad.
114
00:04:42,802 --> 00:04:44,678
One question, can you see my underwear?
115
00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:45,846
Oh, thong!
116
00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:47,330
Why are you wearing a thong?
117
00:04:47,431 --> 00:04:48,781
It's my something borrowed.
118
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,393
Get back in there.
119
00:04:50,685 --> 00:04:52,187
-[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
-BOTH: Yes!
120
00:04:52,437 --> 00:04:53,855
Lunch time! Wait's over.
121
00:04:53,980 --> 00:04:55,106
That was easy.
122
00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:58,527
Totally, I feel like we just had our
snack an hour and 17 minutes ago.
123
00:04:58,611 --> 00:04:59,862
I never got into diets.
124
00:05:00,696 --> 00:05:02,746
Though I did take diet pills in the '70s.
125
00:05:03,616 --> 00:05:05,201
I love these pills.
126
00:05:05,285 --> 00:05:08,288
They give me so much energy
and I can eat whatever I want.
127
00:05:10,123 --> 00:05:11,416
Oh, god.
128
00:05:14,546 --> 00:05:16,005
He's dead!
129
00:05:16,714 --> 00:05:18,014
Actually, I was in a coma.
130
00:05:18,758 --> 00:05:20,677
When I woke up, I had so much mail.
131
00:05:21,177 --> 00:05:23,346
Weight loss science has
come a long way since then.
132
00:05:23,430 --> 00:05:24,431
[LAUGHS]
133
00:05:25,015 --> 00:05:27,935
Ingredients, carrot, got to respect that.
134
00:05:28,060 --> 00:05:29,061
Ugh.
135
00:05:29,353 --> 00:05:30,355
Damn, Gina!
136
00:05:30,522 --> 00:05:31,522
What is that?
137
00:05:31,606 --> 00:05:36,862
Oh, it's a Sloppy Jessica, mac
and cheese chili pizza on a bun.
138
00:05:37,195 --> 00:05:40,867
It's everything I've wanted
to eat for the last 48 hours.
139
00:05:41,868 --> 00:05:44,203
Mmm-mm. What happened?
140
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,457
I thought you were going
to "Last forever, bitches."
141
00:05:47,583 --> 00:05:49,334
Turns out, I gave up easy.
142
00:05:49,585 --> 00:05:50,961
You hear that, bitches?
143
00:05:51,128 --> 00:05:53,338
I gave up so easy!
144
00:05:55,216 --> 00:05:56,258
Thank you.
145
00:05:56,342 --> 00:05:57,747
Hey, you sure it's a good idea to eat all
146
00:05:57,831 --> 00:05:59,428
this shawarma right
before your tux fitting?
147
00:05:59,512 --> 00:06:02,015
Oh, yeah. I'm not going to be one
of those grooms who doesn't eat.
148
00:06:02,099 --> 00:06:03,141
Mmm-hmm.
149
00:06:03,225 --> 00:06:05,143
Hey, thanks for being
so supportive all day.
150
00:06:05,227 --> 00:06:07,187
Best man. Whatever you need, I will do.
151
00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:09,105
Actually, there is one thing.
152
00:06:09,189 --> 00:06:10,775
Do you have a pen I can
borrow to sign these forms?
153
00:06:10,859 --> 00:06:12,809
You bet I don't have a pen. I never do.
154
00:06:13,028 --> 00:06:14,529
But I will get you one.
155
00:06:14,613 --> 00:06:16,280
What is it, some sort of
marriage license thingie?
156
00:06:16,364 --> 00:06:17,698
Oh, no, it's my retirement paperwork.
157
00:06:17,782 --> 00:06:19,117
What? Shut up. What?
158
00:06:19,201 --> 00:06:21,453
Yeah.
Vivian got a job in suburban Ottawa.
159
00:06:21,537 --> 00:06:23,705
She wants me to retire from
the NYPD and go with her.
160
00:06:23,789 --> 00:06:26,960
Retire? Boyle, we're supposed
to die on the force together.
161
00:06:27,044 --> 00:06:30,255
Me in a big explosion and you committing
suicide at my funeral out of respect.
162
00:06:30,339 --> 00:06:31,548
I know.
163
00:06:31,673 --> 00:06:34,123
But Vivian needs to make
this move for her career.
164
00:06:34,551 --> 00:06:37,251
And I'm excited to go.
I mean, suburban Ottawa's great.
165
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:38,848
It has everything Brooklyn does.
166
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,266
Really? Yes.
167
00:06:41,017 --> 00:06:44,104
Other than my job and my
friends and my family, you,
168
00:06:44,188 --> 00:06:45,915
interesting people, museums, restaurants,
169
00:06:45,999 --> 00:06:47,899
and every other
reason that I have to live.
170
00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:50,402
Okay, I'm kind of picking
up on a couple of clues
171
00:06:50,486 --> 00:06:52,697
that you maybe don't
want to retire in Canada.
172
00:06:52,781 --> 00:06:55,367
Oh, my god.
Jake, you're such an amazing detective.
173
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,035
I don't want to go.
174
00:06:58,870 --> 00:06:59,955
JAKE: Okay, Boyle.
175
00:07:00,039 --> 00:07:01,645
Let's strategize on
how you're going to tell
176
00:07:01,729 --> 00:07:03,458
Vivian that you don't
want to move to Canada.
177
00:07:03,542 --> 00:07:05,836
No. Jake, I'm not going to say anything.
Just drop it.
178
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,964
We have the perfect relationship.
We've never fought.
179
00:07:08,048 --> 00:07:09,299
I don't want to mess up and ruin it.
180
00:07:09,383 --> 00:07:10,967
She's my everything.
Move your testicles to the left.
181
00:07:11,051 --> 00:07:12,051
10-four.
182
00:07:12,135 --> 00:07:14,721
She's your fiancée.
You can't be scared to talk to her.
183
00:07:14,805 --> 00:07:16,015
Testicles to the right.
184
00:07:16,099 --> 00:07:18,475
You know, can we actually cool
it on the testicles for a minute?
185
00:07:18,559 --> 00:07:20,144
No. I'm on the testicle part.
186
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,607
[SIGHS] Honestly, Jake, I wouldn't
even know how to bring it up.
187
00:07:23,691 --> 00:07:24,691
What if it goes badly?
188
00:07:24,775 --> 00:07:27,652
It won't. Just tell her how you feel.
Say something like,
189
00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:30,280
"Vivian, I love you, but we
need to talk about Ottawa."
190
00:07:30,364 --> 00:07:33,326
Right, and then, she'll say,
"You're a selfish man-pig
191
00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:35,953
"and I hope you die alone,
and I never loved you."
192
00:07:36,037 --> 00:07:38,205
Oh, god, she never loved me.
193
00:07:38,289 --> 00:07:40,792
She's not going to say any of that,
because she's not criminally insane.
194
00:07:40,876 --> 00:07:43,462
Okay, just calm down.
We'll think of something together.
195
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:44,963
We're going to the stationery store next.
196
00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:47,257
We can write a bunch of stuff down.
It's going to be all right.
197
00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:48,343
Take a deep breath.
198
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:49,678
No deep breaths.
199
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,638
Makes the testicles clap.
200
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:52,723
Mmm.
201
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,810
Detective Diaz, how is your
apology to Officer Deetmore coming?
202
00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:58,354
I've been working on
a letter to send him.
203
00:07:58,438 --> 00:07:59,772
Yes, I saw a draft of it on your desk.
204
00:07:59,856 --> 00:08:00,856
What did you think?
205
00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:03,693
It was so horrifying, I had
to destroy the whole pad.
206
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,574
Just go downstairs and apologize.
207
00:08:08,949 --> 00:08:10,784
Fine, I'll say, "I'm sorry."
208
00:08:10,951 --> 00:08:13,705
No, be sincere. Like this. I'm sorry.
209
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:19,085
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
210
00:08:19,544 --> 00:08:23,799
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
211
00:08:23,883 --> 00:08:25,009
Good, that's the one.
212
00:08:27,470 --> 00:08:29,420
Still working on that afternoon almond?
213
00:08:29,598 --> 00:08:32,098
Yeah, I've been sucking
on it so long, it's smooth.
214
00:08:32,184 --> 00:08:33,184
It's like sea glass.
215
00:08:33,268 --> 00:08:34,269
You do you.
216
00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:35,562
[GASPS]
217
00:08:38,066 --> 00:08:39,274
I'll get that for you, Ames.
218
00:08:39,358 --> 00:08:40,401
[SIGHS]
219
00:08:42,195 --> 00:08:43,404
[SQUEALS] Oops.
220
00:08:43,488 --> 00:08:44,864
Butter feet. Sorry about that.
221
00:08:44,948 --> 00:08:46,116
Sorry?
222
00:08:46,283 --> 00:08:48,118
You bumbling son of a bitch.
223
00:08:48,452 --> 00:08:50,120
You just ruined my life!
224
00:08:50,204 --> 00:08:53,040
I hope you get hit by a truck and
a dog takes a dump on your face!
225
00:08:53,124 --> 00:08:56,002
Ain't nothing to see here.
Just a little hypoglycemic rage.
226
00:08:56,086 --> 00:08:57,128
Move along.
227
00:08:57,212 --> 00:08:58,671
I'm so sorry, Hitchcock.
228
00:08:58,755 --> 00:08:59,797
That's not me.
229
00:08:59,881 --> 00:09:01,049
I'm never like that.
230
00:09:01,258 --> 00:09:04,408
That's okay. It's my fault.
I shouldn't have bumped your cashew.
231
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:07,556
Cashew? It was an almond, you idiot!
232
00:09:07,890 --> 00:09:09,684
I hope you drown in a tub!
233
00:09:09,768 --> 00:09:13,188
I hope you have aneurysm
after aneurysm after aneurysm!
234
00:09:13,730 --> 00:09:16,607
Okay, buddy, we have got
some great opening lines here.
235
00:09:16,691 --> 00:09:20,404
Three very reasonable explanations as
to why you don't want to go to Canada.
236
00:09:20,488 --> 00:09:24,117
And four very attractive options
for your invitation card stock.
237
00:09:24,784 --> 00:09:26,745
Well, I like romantic opening C.
238
00:09:27,162 --> 00:09:29,205
Uh, this page about
how my life is New York.
239
00:09:29,289 --> 00:09:32,375
And I love the Chantilly
Ecru paper for place cards.
240
00:09:32,459 --> 00:09:34,003
That is an excellent choice.
241
00:09:34,170 --> 00:09:36,255
Those are all excellent choices.
242
00:09:36,339 --> 00:09:38,716
You can do this.
You're a smart and wonderful man.
243
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,217
With fantastic handwriting.
244
00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:41,845
Sure. With fantastic handwriting.
245
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:42,929
Do you really think so?
246
00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:45,474
Yeah, I think that you could
be a professional calligrapher.
247
00:09:45,558 --> 00:09:47,935
Charles, a professional calligrapher.
248
00:09:48,352 --> 00:09:52,482
You can do anything. Including,
but not limited to, talking to Vivian.
249
00:09:52,816 --> 00:09:54,317
Right. Right. Right.
250
00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,195
Look, I know it's going to be hard.
251
00:09:57,279 --> 00:09:58,322
And she might even get mad at you.
252
00:09:58,406 --> 00:10:02,056
But I promise you'll be back to doing
weird sex stuff together in no time.
253
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:04,412
[SIGHS] All right, all right.
254
00:10:04,829 --> 00:10:06,038
I'm going to go talk to Vivi.
255
00:10:06,122 --> 00:10:07,332
Great idea buddy.
256
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,292
Ah? Yep.
257
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:10,377
JAKE: Yeah.
258
00:10:10,586 --> 00:10:13,714
So, who's going to pay for the paper?
It's going to be $250.
259
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:16,759
Her name is Amy Santiago.
260
00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:20,471
Lick, lick, lick. It's an ice cream cone.
261
00:10:20,555 --> 00:10:21,556
[LAUGHS]
262
00:10:21,764 --> 00:10:23,164
You can't tempt me, traitor.
263
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:27,438
Not when I got this big, juicy
cantaloupe wedge to keep me company.
264
00:10:28,814 --> 00:10:30,566
It's so thin I can see through it.
265
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:34,487
Santiago! Come hold this so it
looks bigger in your tiny hand.
266
00:10:34,571 --> 00:10:37,323
Oh, Amy left the building 20 minutes ago.
267
00:10:37,407 --> 00:10:38,607
That doesn't make sense.
268
00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:40,661
Santiago loves cantaloupe time.
269
00:10:41,078 --> 00:10:42,496
We wrote a song about it.
270
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,916
♪ Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. ♪
271
00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:47,961
It's just nonsense without
her singing the high parts.
272
00:10:48,045 --> 00:10:49,296
Where is she?
273
00:10:52,716 --> 00:10:55,066
TERRY: Amy, where are you?
It's cantaloupe time.
274
00:10:56,221 --> 00:10:57,304
Santiago!
275
00:10:57,388 --> 00:11:00,099
-Stop! It's not too late.
-AMY: I failed, Sarge.
276
00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:01,893
This is my second burger.
277
00:11:02,894 --> 00:11:04,396
Okay, I lied. It's my fourth.
278
00:11:05,105 --> 00:11:07,191
You both betrayed me. That's okay.
279
00:11:08,150 --> 00:11:10,152
I can do this all on my own.
I don't need you.
280
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:11,529
I can even sing the high parts.
281
00:11:11,613 --> 00:11:13,657
♪ Cantaloupe. Yes, I can… ♪
282
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,201
♪ Cantaloupe. Yes, I can… ♪
283
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:17,661
Traitors.
284
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:19,830
Officer Deetmore.
285
00:11:20,289 --> 00:11:21,957
I came down here to say I'm sorry.
286
00:11:22,041 --> 00:11:23,209
Oh, good. Go ahead.
287
00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:25,252
No, that was it. I did it.
I said I'm sorry.
288
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:26,503
Hey, I said it again.
289
00:11:26,587 --> 00:11:28,464
Now, I've got one in the bank,
so I can do whatever I want to.
290
00:11:28,548 --> 00:11:29,948
What are you even sorry for?
291
00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:32,802
Come on, man. I said the words.
I paused afterwards.
292
00:11:32,886 --> 00:11:34,888
I even averted my gaze to
make you feel like the alpha.
293
00:11:34,972 --> 00:11:35,973
Yeah, but you didn't mean it.
294
00:11:36,057 --> 00:11:38,157
I'd like you to apologize
like you mean it.
295
00:11:38,893 --> 00:11:40,019
Fine.
296
00:11:40,895 --> 00:11:43,231
I'm sorry you screwed up my case.
297
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:45,776
I'm sorry you're a terrible cop.
298
00:11:46,151 --> 00:11:50,155
I'm sorry for your goat face and your
rodent brain and your weird goose body.
299
00:11:51,991 --> 00:11:54,119
I meant all of that.
Hope you feel better.
300
00:11:58,123 --> 00:11:59,207
Hey.
301
00:11:59,291 --> 00:12:01,293
So, how did it go with Vivian last night?
302
00:12:01,377 --> 00:12:04,588
Great, it went so great.
I went to her apartment,
303
00:12:04,714 --> 00:12:07,883
I sat down face to face, then
I panicked and totally bailed.
304
00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:08,968
Oh, no.
305
00:12:09,052 --> 00:12:10,652
But the good news is,
she's on her way here
306
00:12:10,736 --> 00:12:12,263
and you're going to talk to her for me.
307
00:12:12,347 --> 00:12:13,514
Oh, no. Just tell her I absolutely
308
00:12:13,598 --> 00:12:14,641
shouldn't retire and move to Canada.
309
00:12:14,725 --> 00:12:16,309
But don't tell her I think that. Hi!
310
00:12:16,393 --> 00:12:17,770
Hi, Vivian.
311
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,064
Hi, Jake. Vivian!
312
00:12:20,148 --> 00:12:21,899
[LAUGHS]
313
00:12:24,695 --> 00:12:28,031
Jake, you're so sweet. Charles told
me you insisted that I come to breakfast.
314
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,325
Because of it being
such an important one.
315
00:12:30,409 --> 00:12:31,660
[LAUGHS] Meal, I mean.
316
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,537
You know that, in ancient Egypt,
317
00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:35,081
the peasants drank beer for breakfast?
318
00:12:35,165 --> 00:12:37,667
Well, that explains why all
their buildings were crooked.
319
00:12:37,751 --> 00:12:39,669
Charles, can I see you in
the bathroom for a second?
320
00:12:39,753 --> 00:12:40,921
Got a mole on my back
321
00:12:41,005 --> 00:12:42,923
that needs a looking-at,
and Charles has eyes.
322
00:12:43,007 --> 00:12:44,008
I do.
323
00:12:46,010 --> 00:12:47,302
All right, so, let's see that mole.
324
00:12:47,386 --> 00:12:49,639
What? Get off of me.
That was a fake excuse.
325
00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:50,890
Of course, totally.
326
00:12:50,974 --> 00:12:53,309
Look, I can't talk to Vivian for you.
This is crazy.
327
00:12:53,393 --> 00:12:55,645
[SIGHS] I tried talking to
her just like we practiced.
328
00:12:55,729 --> 00:12:59,483
But every time I bring up Ottawa, she
says how excited she is about our future.
329
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,443
Then, we made love. Don't say made love.
330
00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:02,736
Fine, we had wonder-sex.
331
00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:03,862
Don't want to know what that is.
332
00:13:03,946 --> 00:13:06,533
I don't want to move to
Canada, but I can't lose her.
333
00:13:06,617 --> 00:13:08,369
You're my best man. Please help me.
334
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,288
Fine, I'll try.
335
00:13:11,413 --> 00:13:13,332
Okay, but bring it up naturally.
336
00:13:13,416 --> 00:13:14,750
So she doesn't think I put you up to it.
337
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:17,962
Sure. How hard could that be? I'm
constantly talking about suburban Ottawa.
338
00:13:18,046 --> 00:13:19,046
[SIGHS]
339
00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:20,256
No, wait don't go.
340
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:21,508
[SIGHS] I still have to pee.
341
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,010
Why would I stay for that?
342
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,680
Is it cool if I just stare at your
croissants for a little while?
343
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,266
Sarge, you need to stop this diet.
344
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:30,893
Amy and I folded. You won.
345
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,437
It's not a competition.
346
00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:33,771
We were on the same team
347
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:36,733
until you deserted me
for Team Eating Food.
348
00:13:37,401 --> 00:13:39,528
Was that a good burn?
I'm too hungry to tell.
349
00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:42,782
It was a great burn, sir.
Now, please eat. You look weak.
350
00:13:43,366 --> 00:13:45,576
I'm fine. I am stronger than ever.
351
00:13:45,743 --> 00:13:46,787
Watch this.
352
00:13:49,123 --> 00:13:51,624
Sarge, what are you doing?
No, no, no, no!
353
00:13:51,708 --> 00:13:53,085
[GROANS]
354
00:13:53,836 --> 00:13:55,046
[GRUNTING]
355
00:13:55,255 --> 00:13:56,840
See? I'm fine.
356
00:13:57,257 --> 00:13:58,507
[STOMACH GURGLING]
357
00:13:58,591 --> 00:13:59,801
What is happening?
358
00:14:00,135 --> 00:14:02,888
Just a tummy gurgle!
Diet messed up my system!
359
00:14:03,514 --> 00:14:04,681
Oh, no.
360
00:14:04,765 --> 00:14:06,100
[FARTING]
361
00:14:10,104 --> 00:14:11,648
Go back inside!
362
00:14:11,898 --> 00:14:13,859
Are you talking to us or the fart?
363
00:14:15,110 --> 00:14:17,904
So, Vivian, do you ever go watch hockey?
364
00:14:18,238 --> 00:14:19,990
[LAUGHS] No, I'm not one for sports.
365
00:14:20,074 --> 00:14:21,200
Of course you're not.
366
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:24,976
My graduate student told me
the craziest story about her family.
367
00:14:25,079 --> 00:14:26,790
[LAUGHS] It's hilarious.
368
00:14:26,874 --> 00:14:29,042
Hey, can you pass me
the maple syrup, please?
369
00:14:29,126 --> 00:14:31,419
Speaking of… Where does the
best maple syrup come from again?
370
00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:32,504
Vermont.
371
00:14:33,297 --> 00:14:34,841
Oh, and Canada.
372
00:14:35,216 --> 00:14:37,135
Canada? Hey, that reminds me.
373
00:14:37,427 --> 00:14:39,345
Weren't the two of you talking
about maybe moving there?
374
00:14:39,429 --> 00:14:43,266
Oh, yeah. We are so excited to start
this new chapter of our lives together.
375
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:45,185
Yeah, well, although I have to say,
376
00:14:45,269 --> 00:14:48,438
as someone who's read many of
the older chapters in Charles' life,
377
00:14:48,522 --> 00:14:50,190
I wonder if that's
the best thing for him.
378
00:14:50,274 --> 00:14:52,474
[LAUGHS] It's so sweet
of you to care, but…
379
00:14:52,777 --> 00:14:54,987
Chuck is excited about moving to Canada.
Right, baby?
380
00:14:55,071 --> 00:14:57,073
Mmm, mouth full. I love you.
381
00:14:57,157 --> 00:15:01,162
But what about his job and all of his
friends and his Brooklyn based pizza blog?
382
00:15:01,412 --> 00:15:03,163
Do they even have pizza in Canada?
383
00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:05,541
Yes. It's puffier and it's sweet.
384
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:07,350
It's called Manitoba Sauce Cake.
385
00:15:07,544 --> 00:15:08,920
Okay, there's no way Charles wants that.
386
00:15:09,004 --> 00:15:11,089
Jake, I think you're overstepping here.
387
00:15:11,465 --> 00:15:13,299
Charles and I both
want to move to Canada.
388
00:15:13,383 --> 00:15:14,676
Is that true, Charles?
389
00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:16,596
Is that what you want?
390
00:15:19,766 --> 00:15:24,230
Uh, yeah, I want to retire from the
force and move to Ottawa with Vivian.
391
00:15:24,939 --> 00:15:28,024
And frankly, I have no idea
why you're getting involved.
392
00:15:28,108 --> 00:15:30,611
And no one asked for your stupid opinion!
393
00:15:31,237 --> 00:15:33,031
Vivi, we're leaving.
394
00:15:34,699 --> 00:15:35,784
What?
395
00:15:36,493 --> 00:15:37,577
Detective Diaz.
396
00:15:37,786 --> 00:15:40,873
I gather that, once again, things
did not go well with Officer Deetmore.
397
00:15:40,957 --> 00:15:43,375
All due respect, sir,
it's how I was trained.
398
00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:45,109
You mess up, you get made fun of.
399
00:15:45,336 --> 00:15:48,256
It's like a scientist zapping a rat
when he messes up in the maze.
400
00:15:48,340 --> 00:15:49,424
Oh, I get it.
401
00:15:49,508 --> 00:15:50,858
When I was a young officer,
402
00:15:51,134 --> 00:15:53,345
I was that rat and got zapped.
403
00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:56,807
And all I wanted was to be Captain
and throw some lightning bolts.
404
00:15:56,891 --> 00:15:58,184
Emperor Palpatine.
405
00:15:58,268 --> 00:15:59,393
[IMITATING BUZZING]
406
00:15:59,477 --> 00:16:01,104
I do not know who that is.
407
00:16:01,396 --> 00:16:04,441
But a real leader doesn't zap
people when they mess up.
408
00:16:04,733 --> 00:16:07,361
They teach them how to fix the problem.
409
00:16:07,861 --> 00:16:09,113
I think you're a leader.
410
00:16:10,406 --> 00:16:11,615
So act like one.
411
00:16:12,659 --> 00:16:15,078
I'll try. I'm sorry.
412
00:16:15,412 --> 00:16:17,706
Please, Diaz. No need to make a scene.
413
00:16:19,249 --> 00:16:20,667
I can't believe he's moving to Canada.
414
00:16:20,751 --> 00:16:23,962
I know. And I tried to help him,
and he fully threw me under the bus.
415
00:16:24,046 --> 00:16:25,339
So, I quit as best man.
416
00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:27,592
Jake. What? I did everything right.
417
00:16:27,883 --> 00:16:30,220
I was loyal.
I put up with all his dumb ideas.
418
00:16:30,304 --> 00:16:32,931
His spicy cake, his
champagne made out of olives,
419
00:16:33,181 --> 00:16:35,100
reading his vows as a recipe.
420
00:16:35,434 --> 00:16:37,436
One teaspoon eternal love.
421
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,647
A dash of peeing with the door open.
422
00:16:39,731 --> 00:16:41,315
Okay, that's hard to hear.
423
00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:42,483
Yeah.
424
00:16:42,692 --> 00:16:44,945
I just don't understand
why he's being so weird.
425
00:16:45,029 --> 00:16:46,530
I can't believe he would
turn on me like this.
426
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:47,656
He's not being himself.
427
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:51,540
Maybe because he's facing a terrible
decision and he doesn't know what to do.
428
00:16:52,661 --> 00:16:53,861
Yeah, that sounds right.
429
00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:55,623
I think he needs his farm lover.
430
00:16:55,707 --> 00:16:58,209
It's pronounced forlover.
I don't have time to teach you Danish.
431
00:16:58,293 --> 00:16:59,377
I've got to go help Charles.
432
00:16:59,461 --> 00:17:02,511
I'll find out where he is and text you.
That would be helpful!
433
00:17:05,635 --> 00:17:08,596
Charles, get in the car. No. Go to heck.
434
00:17:08,721 --> 00:17:09,806
[SIREN BLARING]
435
00:17:09,890 --> 00:17:13,190
Don't siren me. You quit on me
as best man. I'm not talking to you.
436
00:17:14,686 --> 00:17:15,979
Police, stop walking.
437
00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:18,483
[GROANING]
438
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:20,983
Oh, I hate that I'm so by the book.
439
00:17:21,277 --> 00:17:23,404
Listen, Boyle, you're
not handing in those
440
00:17:23,488 --> 00:17:25,531
retirement papers without
telling Vivian how you feel.
441
00:17:25,615 --> 00:17:26,825
I won't let you. Oh, really?
442
00:17:26,909 --> 00:17:28,034
And how are you going to stop me?
443
00:17:28,118 --> 00:17:30,287
Baton to the knee.
444
00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:33,040
Ahhh! Oh!
445
00:17:34,209 --> 00:17:35,210
Hey, Deetmore.
446
00:17:36,711 --> 00:17:39,361
I'm sorry for making fun
of you in front of everybody.
447
00:17:40,173 --> 00:17:42,523
And also for making fun
of you behind your back.
448
00:17:42,718 --> 00:17:45,137
Didn't know you did that,
but thank you for the apology.
449
00:17:45,221 --> 00:17:48,265
I'm not done. Also, I'm sorry for
making fun of you during my book club.
450
00:17:48,349 --> 00:17:50,476
Those people don't even know you.
That was uncool.
451
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,229
Also, I'm sorry I… It's okay.
452
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:53,689
I get it. No.
453
00:17:54,564 --> 00:17:58,514
Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the
time to show you how to fix your mistake.
454
00:17:59,404 --> 00:18:01,155
Come on. We can go over it upstairs.
455
00:18:01,239 --> 00:18:02,782
Thanks. That would be great.
456
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,368
Oh, one more sorry.
457
00:18:05,576 --> 00:18:07,912
You're about to see a drawing
I did of you in the elevator.
458
00:18:07,996 --> 00:18:10,646
Just remember, I was really
pissed at you at the time.
459
00:18:14,754 --> 00:18:16,380
I'm un-quitting as your best man.
460
00:18:16,464 --> 00:18:17,715
Oh, how kind of you.
461
00:18:17,799 --> 00:18:19,717
Are you also taking
me to the knee hospital?
462
00:18:19,801 --> 00:18:21,344
Your knee is fine.
463
00:18:21,428 --> 00:18:23,847
Besides, you had it coming for
throwing me under the bus like that.
464
00:18:23,931 --> 00:18:26,016
I'm sorry. I was terrible to you.
465
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,517
It's just, I don't know what to do.
466
00:18:28,644 --> 00:18:31,481
I know. It's tough.
But I'm here to support you.
467
00:18:31,565 --> 00:18:33,900
And not just in your weird,
awful wedding decisions.
468
00:18:33,984 --> 00:18:35,360
Awful? Uh-oh.
469
00:18:35,610 --> 00:18:37,487
Did I just plan the
worst wedding in history?
470
00:18:37,571 --> 00:18:39,782
Second worst.
Red Wedding, Game of Thrones.
471
00:18:39,949 --> 00:18:41,559
And no, your wedding is going to be
472
00:18:41,643 --> 00:18:43,869
incredible because it's
exactly what you want.
473
00:18:43,953 --> 00:18:45,903
What you don't want is to go to Canada.
474
00:18:46,122 --> 00:18:48,375
So, I don't care how many
busses you throw me under,
475
00:18:48,459 --> 00:18:49,960
I'm making you talk to Vivian.
476
00:18:50,294 --> 00:18:51,670
Okay, thanks.
477
00:18:52,296 --> 00:18:55,592
You're right.
And you know what? I'm ready.
478
00:18:56,384 --> 00:18:57,468
No, I'm not. I'm running away.
479
00:18:57,552 --> 00:18:58,594
Boyle, no!
480
00:18:58,678 --> 00:19:00,828
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
481
00:19:01,514 --> 00:19:02,932
Hey, superstar.
482
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:04,768
Why the long fart?
483
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:07,104
[LAUGHS] I meant face. Why the long face?
484
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:08,355
Keep walking, Linetti.
485
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:11,317
Okay. But this shake is really good.
486
00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:12,944
Listen. Shh, shh, listen.
487
00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:14,654
[SLURPING LOUDLY]
488
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,531
That's it. I give up.
489
00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,157
Why do you care so much about this diet?
490
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,160
Just stop. You're in perfect shape.
491
00:19:20,244 --> 00:19:21,912
Mmm. Amen.
492
00:19:21,996 --> 00:19:23,414
I'm not doing it for me.
493
00:19:23,498 --> 00:19:25,082
My wife is on the diet.
494
00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:28,169
She's a little self-conscious about
her body since giving birth to twins.
495
00:19:28,253 --> 00:19:29,421
It's crazy.
496
00:19:29,505 --> 00:19:31,881
I think she looks perfect
and I tell her that all the time.
497
00:19:31,965 --> 00:19:34,468
Mmm, and I love that you do that, Terry.
498
00:19:34,802 --> 00:19:38,305
She's running around after those girls
all day, and I'm not there to help out.
499
00:19:38,389 --> 00:19:40,725
This was one thing I
thought I could do with her.
500
00:19:40,809 --> 00:19:41,976
But I'm too weak.
501
00:19:43,228 --> 00:19:44,628
Just hand me that milkshake.
502
00:19:45,898 --> 00:19:46,982
Okay.
503
00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:50,110
Hey, hey, what are you doing? What?
504
00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:51,820
Thank you.
505
00:19:51,904 --> 00:19:53,239
We are still a team.
506
00:19:53,323 --> 00:19:56,033
And we will keep you from
eating so you can support your wife.
507
00:19:56,117 --> 00:19:57,285
Thank you, team.
508
00:19:57,828 --> 00:20:00,247
However, just to be clear,
Gina and I are still going to eat.
509
00:20:00,331 --> 00:20:02,792
I'm eating right now, Terry. Corn dog.
510
00:20:03,459 --> 00:20:04,919
Come on. There we go.
511
00:20:05,461 --> 00:20:06,628
[SIGHS]
512
00:20:06,712 --> 00:20:07,922
You got this. All right?
513
00:20:09,925 --> 00:20:13,136
Ah! Hello, Vivian.
Charles has something he'd like to say.
514
00:20:14,096 --> 00:20:15,514
In case he tries to flee.
515
00:20:19,310 --> 00:20:21,104
[SIGHS] Vivian.
516
00:20:23,147 --> 00:20:24,692
We need to talk about Ottawa.
517
00:20:31,532 --> 00:20:32,616
Jake.
518
00:20:34,995 --> 00:20:36,037
Oh.
519
00:20:38,373 --> 00:20:39,457
Hey.
520
00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,300
How did it go? Everything okay?
521
00:20:42,461 --> 00:20:44,087
Vivian and I talked for hours.
522
00:20:44,171 --> 00:20:46,048
There's a lot more to
discuss, but it's a start.
523
00:20:46,132 --> 00:20:47,674
You were right, she didn't dump me.
524
00:20:47,758 --> 00:20:49,678
You did good. I know you were scared.
525
00:20:51,138 --> 00:20:52,139
Hey.
526
00:20:53,098 --> 00:20:55,098
Your duties as best man aren't over yet.
527
00:20:56,226 --> 00:20:58,646
What? Whiskey and cigars.
528
00:20:58,730 --> 00:20:59,981
Mmm-hmm.
529
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,357
Thanks for being the best best man.
530
00:21:02,483 --> 00:21:04,152
To the Fancy Brudgom.
531
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:06,322
[SIGHS]
532
00:21:07,197 --> 00:21:09,950
Hot! Hot! Spicy! Why is that spicy?