1
00:00:02,779 --> 00:00:06,407
So, again, your alibi is…
A mysterious stranger
2
00:00:06,491 --> 00:00:08,993
handed you the gun, made
you put your prints on it,
3
00:00:09,285 --> 00:00:12,372
robbed the store, and then
hid the gun in your underpants?
4
00:00:12,497 --> 00:00:14,915
Well, yeah, if you say it like
that, it don't sound believable.
5
00:00:14,999 --> 00:00:16,042
Oh, hey, Captain.
6
00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:17,793
Did you get my report
on the Finley murder?
7
00:00:17,877 --> 00:00:19,378
Uh, yeah. I looked it over. Nice work.
8
00:00:19,462 --> 00:00:20,463
Good. Thanks, Dad.
9
00:00:23,925 --> 00:00:25,259
Why is everyone staring at me?
10
00:00:25,343 --> 00:00:26,760
You just called Captain Holt "Dad".
11
00:00:26,844 --> 00:00:27,928
You said, "Thanks, Dad."
12
00:00:28,012 --> 00:00:29,763
What? No, I didn't.
I said, "Thanks, man."
13
00:00:29,847 --> 00:00:31,640
Do you see me as a
father figure, Peralta?
14
00:00:31,724 --> 00:00:34,518
No.
If anything, I see you as a bother figure,
15
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,103
'cause you're always bothering me.
16
00:00:36,187 --> 00:00:38,355
Hey. Show your father some respect.
17
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,648
I didn't call him "Dad"!
18
00:00:39,732 --> 00:00:41,359
No, no, no, no. Jacob.
19
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:42,693
I take it as a compliment.
20
00:00:42,777 --> 00:00:45,487
It's not a big deal.
I called Vivian "Mom" once,
21
00:00:45,571 --> 00:00:46,614
and she's my fiancée.
22
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:48,115
Guys, jump on that!
23
00:00:48,199 --> 00:00:49,742
Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
24
00:00:49,826 --> 00:00:52,661
Old news. But you calling Holt "Daddy"…
25
00:00:52,745 --> 00:00:54,872
Hey. "Daddy" is not on the table here.
26
00:00:55,164 --> 00:00:56,999
But you did call him "Dad", dude.
27
00:00:57,083 --> 00:00:59,168
You shut up. You've done
nothing but lie since you got here.
28
00:00:59,252 --> 00:01:00,919
All right, all right.
I was lying about the hold-up.
29
00:01:01,003 --> 00:01:02,463
But the "Dad" thing? That happened.
30
00:01:02,547 --> 00:01:03,839
Ah-ha!
31
00:01:03,923 --> 00:01:05,716
He admitted that his alibi was a lie.
32
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,970
It was a trap.
All part of my crazy, devious plan.
33
00:01:10,054 --> 00:01:11,055
I believe you.
34
00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,348
Thank you. Son.
35
00:01:13,349 --> 00:01:16,519
You want to talk about it
later over a game of catch?
36
00:01:17,395 --> 00:01:18,395
I'd like that.
37
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,523
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
38
00:01:39,125 --> 00:01:41,085
HOLT: Thank you for
coming in on your day off.
39
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:42,419
I know you'd all rather be at home,
40
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,129
but binge-watching media content.
41
00:01:44,213 --> 00:01:47,257
Oh! I just started the second
season of media content.
42
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,426
No spoilers.
43
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,968
But these evaluations are important.
44
00:01:51,052 --> 00:01:52,888
Sir, I think I speak for all of us…
45
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,430
ALL: She doesn't.
46
00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:56,891
When I say that we can't wait for you
47
00:01:56,975 --> 00:01:58,142
to sit in judgment of us.
48
00:01:58,226 --> 00:02:00,645
Oh, these will be
self-evaluations, Santiago.
49
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:04,858
Why… Uh-zuh. Very wise, sir.
50
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,025
Nice save.
51
00:02:06,109 --> 00:02:08,277
Also, please stay out of the
way of the weekend squad.
52
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:10,739
They are on duty and
the bullpen is theirs.
53
00:02:10,906 --> 00:02:12,574
I hate the weekend squad.
54
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,367
Detective Lohank shaves at my desk
55
00:02:14,451 --> 00:02:15,868
and gets hair all over my computer.
56
00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,652
My "R" key is jammed with stubble.
57
00:02:17,788 --> 00:02:19,330
Well, that explains the email you sent
58
00:02:19,414 --> 00:02:21,208
about the "gue-some muduh."
59
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:22,709
Dismissed.
60
00:02:23,418 --> 00:02:25,318
I'm pumped for these evaluations, sir.
61
00:02:25,504 --> 00:02:27,922
I can't wait to hear what you
have to say about my squad.
62
00:02:28,006 --> 00:02:29,590
I think they've had a great year.
63
00:02:29,674 --> 00:02:31,510
I feel like a proud mama hen
64
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:33,535
whose baby chicks have learned to fly.
65
00:02:33,678 --> 00:02:35,138
Interesting analogy, Sergeant.
66
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,022
Chickens are famously bad at flying.
67
00:02:37,933 --> 00:02:38,975
Yo.
68
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,351
JEFFORDS: Peralta asked to be first,
69
00:02:40,435 --> 00:02:42,770
which shows how seriously
he's begun taking his job.
70
00:02:42,854 --> 00:02:44,355
Nope, I just want to get this over with.
71
00:02:44,439 --> 00:02:46,191
So, I have 72 arrests,
72
00:02:46,358 --> 00:02:48,109
and 80% clearance rate,
73
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,445
but most importantly,
74
00:02:50,529 --> 00:02:52,030
I wore a tie sometimes.
75
00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:53,990
Now, I have a question for you.
76
00:02:54,199 --> 00:02:56,659
Is there any way I can borrow $430,000?
77
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,793
Why on earth do you need that much money?
78
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,262
I need to buy my apartment.
79
00:03:00,539 --> 00:03:01,581
I've been living at my nana's place
80
00:03:01,665 --> 00:03:02,790
since she passed away
81
00:03:02,874 --> 00:03:03,875
because it's rent-controlled,
82
00:03:03,959 --> 00:03:05,418
but now, the building's going co-op,
83
00:03:05,502 --> 00:03:06,545
so I have to buy it.
84
00:03:06,878 --> 00:03:09,589
I need to secure a loan
by the end of the day.
85
00:03:09,673 --> 00:03:11,466
Uh, so, should we do a wire transfer
86
00:03:11,550 --> 00:03:12,759
or do you think cash is easier?
87
00:03:12,843 --> 00:03:13,926
Let's just do cash.
88
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:16,304
Shouldn't you be asking somebody
else for that kind of money?
89
00:03:16,388 --> 00:03:17,389
Like a bank?
90
00:03:17,514 --> 00:03:19,349
Yeah, I tried that.
91
00:03:19,850 --> 00:03:21,268
[LAUGHING]
92
00:03:25,313 --> 00:03:26,522
GINA: Jake, I cannot believe
93
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:28,191
you're going to lose Nana's apartment.
94
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:29,358
We grew up together.
95
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:31,569
We used to hang out
there every day after school.
96
00:03:31,653 --> 00:03:34,406
That's right.
Because there was no one to look after us.
97
00:03:34,698 --> 00:03:36,240
Because our moms both worked and…
98
00:03:36,324 --> 00:03:37,325
[INHALES]
99
00:03:37,409 --> 00:03:39,285
…we didn't have fathers.
100
00:03:39,369 --> 00:03:40,370
Because divorce.
101
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,081
Peralta, I will not
give you a cool half mil
102
00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:45,256
because you had a slightly sad childhood.
103
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,043
Go solve your housing crisis.
104
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,753
Can I go with him?
105
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:52,840
Nana made me the intelligent,
sensuous woman I am today.
106
00:03:52,924 --> 00:03:55,424
Weird way to describe a
grandma's influence on you.
107
00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:58,102
I'm sorry, Gina.
I don't know that we can spare you.
108
00:03:58,221 --> 00:03:59,972
Um, these are her notes so far.
109
00:04:00,056 --> 00:04:02,391
"Empanadas, Atlantic
City, birth control."
110
00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:03,851
No, that's my travel journal.
111
00:04:03,935 --> 00:04:05,685
I haven't started on the notes yet.
112
00:04:06,187 --> 00:04:07,387
You may go with Peralta.
113
00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:08,523
BOTH: Thank you.
114
00:04:09,524 --> 00:04:11,776
I want to take Vivian
somewhere romantic tonight.
115
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:12,903
How about this?
116
00:04:13,028 --> 00:04:16,448
Graziolo's for the Porco Digestivo meal.
117
00:04:16,698 --> 00:04:19,200
It's a culinary tour of
a pig's digestive tract.
118
00:04:19,534 --> 00:04:21,828
Uh, pig bung gelato for two, anyone?
119
00:04:22,370 --> 00:04:24,331
Uh-oh. Heads up. Weekend crew.
120
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,461
BOYLE: I feel sad for you.
121
00:04:30,545 --> 00:04:31,838
I love my desk buddy.
122
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:35,322
Sometimes, Detective Kearns
and I leave presents for each other.
123
00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:38,576
Yeah, well, Lohank's a stubble monkey.
124
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,429
I hate him and his face garbage.
125
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:42,348
BOYLE: Why don't you just tell
him to stop shaving at his desk?
126
00:04:42,432 --> 00:04:44,767
He denies even doing it.
I don't know why.
127
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:46,310
Next time I catch him
shaving, I'm gonna punch him
128
00:04:46,394 --> 00:04:49,356
so hard in the mouth,
he bites his own heart.
129
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,983
Could that be why he denies doing it?
130
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:54,361
Oh, yeah. You could be right. Yeah.
131
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,363
GINA: Oh, wow.
132
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:59,532
It is always so crazy coming back here.
133
00:04:59,658 --> 00:05:01,158
Remember when Nana got cable?
134
00:05:01,242 --> 00:05:04,204
We watched House Party 2 so many times.
135
00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:06,330
It was a pajama-jama-jam.
We had no choice.
136
00:05:06,414 --> 00:05:07,456
Our hands were tied.
137
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,041
I've got to say, I'm psyched
to be hanging like this,
138
00:05:09,125 --> 00:05:10,126
old school "stylez."
139
00:05:10,251 --> 00:05:11,335
"Stylez" with a "Z."
140
00:05:11,419 --> 00:05:12,837
Oh, I could tell. [LAUGHS]
141
00:05:12,963 --> 00:05:16,173
Okay, well, maybe we can figure
out a way for you to afford this place.
142
00:05:16,257 --> 00:05:17,341
Where's all your bank statements?
143
00:05:17,425 --> 00:05:19,760
Up-up, before we get all financial,
144
00:05:19,844 --> 00:05:22,263
can I interest you in
an ice-cold "foh-dy"?
145
00:05:22,347 --> 00:05:23,348
Aiight.
146
00:05:25,308 --> 00:05:27,358
So, talk to me, goose.
How are we looking?
147
00:05:27,477 --> 00:05:29,312
Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard.
148
00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:32,314
Like, sure, we're trying,
but it's almost effortless.
149
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,482
Yeah, no, I knew all of that.
I meant the money thing.
150
00:05:34,566 --> 00:05:39,029
Oh. My first impression is that you
have a debilitating spending problem.
151
00:05:39,196 --> 00:05:41,823
Mmm-hmm.
Jake, you have six massage chairs.
152
00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:43,783
Well, they don't make a massage couch.
153
00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:46,453
Okay, but you also have three turntables.
154
00:05:46,662 --> 00:05:48,998
Ooh, yeah. I'm learning how to spin.
155
00:05:49,289 --> 00:05:50,666
Check it out.
156
00:05:51,041 --> 00:05:52,960
[KLEZMER MUSIC PLAYING]
157
00:05:54,044 --> 00:05:56,504
All I have are my grandma's
old Klezmer records,
158
00:05:56,588 --> 00:05:58,715
and I still haven't quite figured
out how to sync up the beats,
159
00:05:58,799 --> 00:06:00,133
but it's not bad, right?
160
00:06:00,217 --> 00:06:04,179
It's awful. It sounds like Joy
Behar falling down some stairs.
161
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,015
Okay.
You also purchased Olympus Has Fallen
162
00:06:07,099 --> 00:06:09,518
on-demand 12 times.
163
00:06:09,852 --> 00:06:12,187
Was it a difficult
movie for you to follow?
164
00:06:12,271 --> 00:06:13,671
Nope, just watched it a lot.
165
00:06:13,897 --> 00:06:15,190
So, hit me.
166
00:06:15,274 --> 00:06:17,442
How much do I have to cut
back in order to keep this place?
167
00:06:17,526 --> 00:06:19,153
Infinity percent.
168
00:06:20,195 --> 00:06:22,531
Technically speaking,
you're bankrupt, kiddo.
169
00:06:22,865 --> 00:06:23,866
That sounds bad.
170
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:27,411
It is bad. I only said "kiddo"
to soften the blow, kiddo.
171
00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:34,501
This is so unfair.
I've lived in this building 15 years
172
00:06:34,585 --> 00:06:37,462
and then, all of a sudden, they decide
they're going co-op with zero warning?
173
00:06:37,546 --> 00:06:40,090
It seems illegal they didn't
tell you this was happening.
174
00:06:40,174 --> 00:06:42,592
Well, it's possible I missed
a letter, but I doubt it.
175
00:06:42,676 --> 00:06:44,178
Ooh. Let's check the mail tub.
176
00:06:44,344 --> 00:06:45,429
Mail tub?
177
00:06:45,596 --> 00:06:48,265
Nope. No. No.
178
00:06:48,557 --> 00:06:51,726
See? It's impossible to find
anything in here. It's not my fault.
179
00:06:51,810 --> 00:06:53,645
This is actually a cool little bathroom.
180
00:06:53,729 --> 00:06:55,188
Nice claw-foot tub.
181
00:06:55,272 --> 00:06:57,732
Which I will never
throw my mail into again.
182
00:06:57,816 --> 00:06:59,193
Unless…
183
00:06:59,401 --> 00:07:01,945
I didn't wanna do this, but I do know
one way we could get the money.
184
00:07:02,029 --> 00:07:03,697
You'd make a decent prostitute.
185
00:07:03,906 --> 00:07:05,657
I'd make an amazing prostitute,
186
00:07:05,741 --> 00:07:08,491
but I was actually talking
about this guy I know, Frank.
187
00:07:08,577 --> 00:07:11,277
He's kind of skeevy, but he
will loan money to anybody.
188
00:07:11,371 --> 00:07:12,789
So, he's a loan shark.
189
00:07:12,873 --> 00:07:14,457
Maybe you're not thinking this through.
190
00:07:14,541 --> 00:07:16,418
Says the woman who's
been engaged eight times.
191
00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:18,712
Uh, but never married once.
192
00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:20,589
Game, set, match. Linetti.
193
00:07:20,714 --> 00:07:22,414
Well, it's the only choice I have.
194
00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:24,009
So, let's go.
195
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:27,595
JEFFORDS: Sir, I know
we got off to a weird start.
196
00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,431
So, to get things back on track,
197
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,641
I'd like to bring in Santiago next.
198
00:07:31,725 --> 00:07:34,225
She's had a great year.
You wanted to see me, sirs?
199
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:35,937
I was reading the Sergeant's
lips through the window,
200
00:07:36,021 --> 00:07:38,064
and he either said,
"Bring in Santiago next"
201
00:07:38,148 --> 00:07:40,526
or something about a "San Diego nest".
202
00:07:40,943 --> 00:07:42,819
Are you ready for your self-evaluation?
203
00:07:42,903 --> 00:07:43,904
I am.
204
00:07:45,489 --> 00:07:48,283
I understand from a
lip-reading session last week
205
00:07:48,742 --> 00:07:51,120
that you intend to ask
us each ten questions.
206
00:07:51,453 --> 00:07:52,495
Normally, yes.
207
00:07:52,579 --> 00:07:55,415
But for you, I have just one question.
208
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:59,044
What is your biggest flaw?
209
00:08:01,004 --> 00:08:02,005
My biggest flaw.
210
00:08:03,882 --> 00:08:05,008
Working too hard?
211
00:08:07,010 --> 00:08:08,345
Being too thorough.
212
00:08:09,972 --> 00:08:11,056
Caring too much?
213
00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:14,059
Got it.
214
00:08:14,143 --> 00:08:15,853
Something entirely different.
215
00:08:18,313 --> 00:08:19,773
Rosa. Look.
216
00:08:19,857 --> 00:08:21,257
Lohank is shaving right now.
217
00:08:34,037 --> 00:08:37,374
[SLOWLY] No!
218
00:08:39,168 --> 00:08:41,628
Boyle, call an ambulance.
I'm going to do some stuff to him.
219
00:08:41,712 --> 00:08:44,255
Or, we give him a taste
of his own medicine.
220
00:08:44,339 --> 00:08:47,759
We fill his locker with
shaving cream and loose hair.
221
00:08:47,843 --> 00:08:48,968
I like it.
222
00:08:49,052 --> 00:08:52,180
I cannot believe I'm
considering a non-violent option.
223
00:08:52,264 --> 00:08:55,017
And I know just where to
get a bundle of loose hair.
224
00:08:56,143 --> 00:08:57,685
GINA: How much interest do you charge?
225
00:08:57,769 --> 00:08:59,021
Look, I'm not a bank.
226
00:08:59,188 --> 00:09:00,538
It's my own personal money,
227
00:09:00,856 --> 00:09:02,816
so I take a larger vig.
228
00:09:03,275 --> 00:09:05,735
Twenty points. Vig. So cool.
229
00:09:05,819 --> 00:09:09,322
Well, I don't need much.
Just, like, $430,000.
230
00:09:09,406 --> 00:09:10,866
Nah, too much.
231
00:09:11,241 --> 00:09:14,535
I make small loans to desperate losers.
232
00:09:15,036 --> 00:09:16,329
And friends like you.
233
00:09:16,621 --> 00:09:18,580
Well, I'm happy this went terribly.
234
00:09:18,664 --> 00:09:20,749
Uh, we do have to go now.
So, please excuse us.
235
00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:22,876
Wait.
I just need enough to show the co-op board
236
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,461
I can make a down payment at the bank.
237
00:09:24,545 --> 00:09:25,963
How about $20,000?
238
00:09:26,172 --> 00:09:29,175
Two bags of ziti? That I can do.
239
00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,844
Bags of ziti. Come on, Gina.
240
00:09:31,928 --> 00:09:33,888
How awesome is that? Get on board.
241
00:09:34,013 --> 00:09:36,015
Come on, Gina. Get on board.
242
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:38,267
Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise.
243
00:09:38,351 --> 00:09:40,018
Do not sing into his shell.
244
00:09:40,102 --> 00:09:42,437
I have no idea what you're
talking about right now.
245
00:09:42,521 --> 00:09:45,524
Oh, little mermaid. What have you done?
246
00:09:46,275 --> 00:09:47,360
[BOYLE CHUCKLING]
247
00:09:47,652 --> 00:09:49,237
Oh, yeah.
248
00:09:49,362 --> 00:09:50,487
Wow.
249
00:09:50,571 --> 00:09:52,614
Nothing gets you smiling
like cold-blooded vengeance.
250
00:09:52,698 --> 00:09:53,699
[LAUGHS]
251
00:09:54,575 --> 00:09:57,370
And now, the pièce de résistance.
252
00:09:58,704 --> 00:10:00,539
A magnificent bag of hair.
253
00:10:02,375 --> 00:10:03,834
Oh, this is disgusting.
254
00:10:04,377 --> 00:10:05,461
It's perfect.
255
00:10:05,836 --> 00:10:06,837
Oh. Ugh.
256
00:10:08,089 --> 00:10:10,007
Ooh, check… Check this out.
257
00:10:12,301 --> 00:10:14,636
I'm Tom Selleck.
Park my chopper on the beach.
258
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,846
[LAUGHS]
259
00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:18,480
I'm a billy goat!
[IMITATES GOAT BLEATING]
260
00:10:20,893 --> 00:10:21,894
[CHOKING]
261
00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:23,687
[COUGHING]
262
00:10:23,771 --> 00:10:26,190
Oh, I think I swallowed
a bunch of stranger hair.
263
00:10:26,274 --> 00:10:27,441
Ugh!
264
00:10:28,526 --> 00:10:31,028
Hey, Mr. Henders. The king of the lobby.
265
00:10:31,237 --> 00:10:33,489
Jake.
The co-op board meeting was an hour ago.
266
00:10:33,656 --> 00:10:35,657
I know. I am so sorry.
267
00:10:35,741 --> 00:10:38,828
It's just… I've been pretty busy
with police work, you know?
268
00:10:39,287 --> 00:10:42,289
With my police friends,
helping out non-police folks
269
00:10:42,373 --> 00:10:44,791
such as yourself.
Keeping you safe. Police.
270
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:46,126
We appreciate your service.
271
00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:47,461
And I appreciate you saying that.
272
00:10:47,545 --> 00:10:48,788
Look, I know there's been a lot of
273
00:10:48,872 --> 00:10:50,589
misconceptions about
my financial situation,
274
00:10:50,673 --> 00:10:53,300
but I am ready to put
that to rest right now.
275
00:10:53,384 --> 00:10:55,135
Boom goes the dynamite. Oh, my God.
276
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,012
That's $20,000 right there
277
00:10:57,096 --> 00:10:59,181
and I intend to use it as a
down payment on a mortgage.
278
00:10:59,265 --> 00:11:00,432
Where did you get this money?
279
00:11:00,516 --> 00:11:01,766
Just had it lying around.
280
00:11:01,851 --> 00:11:03,101
You've been an adequate tenant.
281
00:11:03,185 --> 00:11:05,145
Adequate?
But we needed a completed application
282
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,529
with a bank loan by today.
283
00:11:06,856 --> 00:11:09,107
With all due respect,
sir, that's not fair.
284
00:11:09,191 --> 00:11:11,443
I didn't even know that the building
was going co-op until last week.
285
00:11:11,527 --> 00:11:14,238
I got one letter.
We left you 15 voice mails as well.
286
00:11:14,363 --> 00:11:16,448
Ah. Voice mails. Well, that explains it.
287
00:11:16,532 --> 00:11:18,283
My generation mostly texts.
288
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:19,785
I'm only 33, so…
289
00:11:19,869 --> 00:11:21,620
We're in the same generation. I'm 31.
290
00:11:21,704 --> 00:11:23,039
Thirty-one? Mmm-hmm.
291
00:11:23,372 --> 00:11:24,498
But I call you "mister."
292
00:11:24,582 --> 00:11:26,334
And you wear a suit and…
293
00:11:27,293 --> 00:11:28,419
That.
294
00:11:28,878 --> 00:11:30,628
Did you just point at my bald spot?
295
00:11:31,005 --> 00:11:33,548
No. Look, we're putting
the apartment on the market.
296
00:11:33,632 --> 00:11:35,592
We need to get it ready
for brokers to show.
297
00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:37,010
We need you out by next Friday.
298
00:11:37,094 --> 00:11:39,596
Oh… Next Friday is a little tough for me.
299
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,223
Is there any way we
could move it to the Sunday
300
00:11:41,307 --> 00:11:43,057
after eight years from next Friday?
301
00:11:44,727 --> 00:11:46,061
Based on your judge-y eyes,
302
00:11:46,145 --> 00:11:48,522
I am going to take back my dynamite.
303
00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:51,400
Un-boom… Here you go.
304
00:11:51,984 --> 00:11:53,534
You've got a full head of hair.
305
00:11:53,694 --> 00:11:55,529
Nope. Okay. Okay.
306
00:11:58,366 --> 00:11:59,450
Ugh!
307
00:12:00,534 --> 00:12:02,078
Oh. That bad?
308
00:12:02,328 --> 00:12:03,578
I'm going to be homeless.
309
00:12:03,704 --> 00:12:04,705
A homeless cop.
310
00:12:04,997 --> 00:12:06,498
It's like a made-for-TV movie
311
00:12:06,582 --> 00:12:09,084
that I will not be able to watch
because I won't have a television
312
00:12:09,168 --> 00:12:10,168
because I'll be homeless.
313
00:12:10,252 --> 00:12:11,920
Chin up, little pup.
314
00:12:12,004 --> 00:12:13,964
First of all, you could
watch it on your phone.
315
00:12:14,048 --> 00:12:16,591
Second, this isn't the
only apartment in the city.
316
00:12:16,675 --> 00:12:17,925
We'll find you a new one.
317
00:12:18,052 --> 00:12:21,305
You're right. You're right.
This could be good.
318
00:12:21,389 --> 00:12:22,764
I mean, maybe we'll find a great place.
319
00:12:22,848 --> 00:12:24,683
Attagirl. In a cooler neighborhood.
320
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:25,893
That's right, girl.
321
00:12:26,018 --> 00:12:27,311
Maybe I'll even have a cute neighbor.
322
00:12:27,395 --> 00:12:28,687
Get it, girl.
323
00:12:28,771 --> 00:12:30,147
You got to stop calling me girl.
324
00:12:30,231 --> 00:12:31,232
Sorry, girl.
325
00:12:32,775 --> 00:12:36,362
Okay, sirs. I know why you weren't
happy with my self-evaluation.
326
00:12:36,695 --> 00:12:39,448
You didn't want me to say
flaws that were actually positive.
327
00:12:39,532 --> 00:12:42,367
Like, how the sergeant always says
it's bad that he works out too much.
328
00:12:42,451 --> 00:12:43,452
Whoa!
329
00:12:43,577 --> 00:12:44,661
Why the drive-by?
330
00:12:44,745 --> 00:12:46,830
Sorry. But that's not right.
331
00:12:46,914 --> 00:12:49,564
Because you value honesty
and humility above all else.
332
00:12:50,584 --> 00:12:52,253
So, what's your biggest flaw?
333
00:12:52,586 --> 00:12:53,794
My biggest flaws.
334
00:12:53,878 --> 00:12:56,005
I'm too competitive. Prone to jealousy.
335
00:12:56,423 --> 00:12:58,633
Bit of a killjoy.
Follow rules to a fault.
336
00:12:59,008 --> 00:13:02,470
Don't know how to relax. And every
now and then, I smoke a cigarette.
337
00:13:04,431 --> 00:13:06,015
Is that what you're looking for?
338
00:13:06,099 --> 00:13:08,351
Because I can keep going.
I am deeply flawed.
339
00:13:08,726 --> 00:13:09,727
Santiago.
340
00:13:09,853 --> 00:13:11,896
Oh, no. Santiago in "B" flat.
341
00:13:12,147 --> 00:13:13,148
You're disappointed.
342
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:14,732
Okay. Well,
343
00:13:14,899 --> 00:13:17,735
I'm going to go to a secret location and
make sure that nobody is smoking there.
344
00:13:17,819 --> 00:13:19,571
I'll be right back.
345
00:13:20,947 --> 00:13:22,198
GINA: Is this a pre-war?
346
00:13:22,282 --> 00:13:25,410
Ah, very good eye. And you
should know, it's also pet-friendly.
347
00:13:25,702 --> 00:13:28,079
Really? Do they allow cats?
348
00:13:28,496 --> 00:13:30,696
I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.
Okay.
349
00:13:31,374 --> 00:13:33,418
How would you even get a bed in here?
350
00:13:34,836 --> 00:13:36,504
Oh, a Murphy bed.
351
00:13:37,714 --> 00:13:38,715
Voilà.
352
00:13:38,923 --> 00:13:39,924
Nope.
353
00:13:40,216 --> 00:13:41,634
This is kind of cool.
354
00:13:41,718 --> 00:13:44,136
High ceilings, so many windows.
355
00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,820
Gina, the toilet is in the
middle of the living room.
356
00:13:47,724 --> 00:13:48,766
I think it's sexy.
357
00:13:49,017 --> 00:13:50,018
[GINA GASPS]
358
00:13:50,810 --> 00:13:52,061
[SCREAMS]
359
00:13:53,146 --> 00:13:54,438
DIAZ: So, when is this going down?
360
00:13:54,522 --> 00:13:57,149
Normally, Lohank hits the locker
room when he goes to the gym.
361
00:13:57,233 --> 00:13:59,819
So, let's see when he
plans on working out.
362
00:13:59,903 --> 00:14:03,489
So, Lohank, I was reading an
article about the benefits of exercise.
363
00:14:03,573 --> 00:14:04,740
You going to the gym today?
364
00:14:04,824 --> 00:14:06,158
Not today.
I've been spending all my breaks
365
00:14:06,242 --> 00:14:07,868
on the phone with my wife, Nancy.
366
00:14:07,952 --> 00:14:09,702
We've been having marital problems.
367
00:14:09,787 --> 00:14:11,287
Right. 'Cause of your hygiene?
368
00:14:11,414 --> 00:14:13,374
What? No. I wish.
369
00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:17,044
No, about a year ago, she fell
down the stairs and broke her back.
370
00:14:17,128 --> 00:14:19,756
Oh, no.
Now, she's addicted to pain-killers.
371
00:14:19,964 --> 00:14:21,514
We've been fighting a lot. Mmm.
372
00:14:22,008 --> 00:14:23,509
Because I want to help her, you know?
373
00:14:23,593 --> 00:14:26,137
I guess I just love her so much.
374
00:14:26,221 --> 00:14:27,722
But she's refusing treatment.
375
00:14:27,889 --> 00:14:30,350
Oh… We got into it again last night.
376
00:14:30,725 --> 00:14:34,270
I went out for some fresh air,
but I forgot to close the door
377
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:35,604
and our dog, Cinnamon, got out.
378
00:14:35,688 --> 00:14:36,897
Oh, no.
379
00:14:36,981 --> 00:14:38,858
Cinnamon got hit by a drunk driver.
380
00:14:39,651 --> 00:14:42,111
I wish I could say she was
put out of her misery instantly,
381
00:14:42,195 --> 00:14:46,324
but the vet assured us that her
suffering was unending and terrible.
382
00:14:47,575 --> 00:14:49,118
I'm sorry. I'm just venting a little. I…
383
00:14:49,202 --> 00:14:50,870
I appreciate it. 'Course.
384
00:14:52,497 --> 00:14:53,914
Anything for a good friend like you.
385
00:14:53,998 --> 00:14:56,543
Charles, can I see you for a minute? Yep.
386
00:14:57,293 --> 00:14:58,669
My first question is,
387
00:14:58,753 --> 00:15:01,756
why are the two of you doing
this self-evaluation together?
388
00:15:02,090 --> 00:15:03,966
Scully doesn't handle pressure well.
389
00:15:04,050 --> 00:15:05,051
Hmm…
390
00:15:05,885 --> 00:15:09,556
Not to brag, but Scully
and I have a combined total
391
00:15:09,722 --> 00:15:11,224
of 14 arrests.
392
00:15:12,058 --> 00:15:14,143
Would have been 20, but we only got 14.
393
00:15:14,310 --> 00:15:15,519
That's not enough arrests.
394
00:15:15,603 --> 00:15:17,104
Well, no one asked you.
395
00:15:17,188 --> 00:15:18,439
It's a self-evaluation.
396
00:15:18,773 --> 00:15:20,400
Come on, Scully.
397
00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:27,406
I'm trying to hurry, but when
you grab the hair, it breaks apart.
398
00:15:27,490 --> 00:15:29,950
The key is, you use your
hands like, uh, scoopers.
399
00:15:30,034 --> 00:15:31,035
Just go…
400
00:15:32,912 --> 00:15:34,163
HOLT: What the hell is going on here?
401
00:15:34,247 --> 00:15:36,373
I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation for this, sir.
402
00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:38,584
We accidentally dropped
403
00:15:38,668 --> 00:15:40,461
all our loose hair and
shaving cream in this locker,
404
00:15:40,545 --> 00:15:41,962
so we're cleaning it out.
405
00:15:42,046 --> 00:15:43,506
Hasn't Detective Lohank
been through enough?
406
00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:45,717
He just got diagnosed
with prostate cancer.
407
00:15:45,842 --> 00:15:46,842
'Course he did.
408
00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:48,219
Clean this up. Now.
409
00:15:48,970 --> 00:15:49,971
Yes, sir.
410
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:56,143
JEFFORDS: What's wrong with you guys?
411
00:15:56,227 --> 00:15:58,438
I've lost control of my squad.
412
00:15:59,147 --> 00:16:00,564
GINA: Should we turn some lights on?
413
00:16:00,648 --> 00:16:02,191
Trying to save electricity, Gina.
414
00:16:02,275 --> 00:16:03,776
Your massage chair is on.
415
00:16:03,901 --> 00:16:05,861
Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.
416
00:16:05,945 --> 00:16:07,739
Man, what am I gonna do?
417
00:16:07,905 --> 00:16:09,824
But what if I buy this apartment?
418
00:16:10,033 --> 00:16:11,492
[SCOFFS] What are you talking about?
419
00:16:11,576 --> 00:16:13,953
And then, I could rent it to
you until you find a new place.
420
00:16:14,037 --> 00:16:15,079
What?
421
00:16:15,163 --> 00:16:17,373
How could you afford this place?
Have you been dealing drugs?
422
00:16:17,457 --> 00:16:19,124
No. I'm thrifty.
423
00:16:19,208 --> 00:16:21,335
I cut my own hair. I walk to work.
424
00:16:21,419 --> 00:16:23,004
I eat Scully's lunch every day.
425
00:16:23,463 --> 00:16:25,172
I've rented the same crap box
426
00:16:25,256 --> 00:16:27,841
since I was 20 because it's so cheap.
427
00:16:27,925 --> 00:16:31,225
I've saved up money, and I'm
looking for a real estate opportunity.
428
00:16:31,387 --> 00:16:33,680
Ew. A real estate opportunity?
429
00:16:33,764 --> 00:16:36,099
Are you being serious?
We were drinking 40s this morning.
430
00:16:36,183 --> 00:16:39,519
I'm saying I could give you a fair
rent because I would be your landlady.
431
00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:42,064
Whoa, whoa. You'd be my landlady?
432
00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:45,108
You're Gina.
Your lifelong dream is to be on Wife Swap.
433
00:16:45,317 --> 00:16:46,818
You call gum the dentist.
434
00:16:46,902 --> 00:16:48,653
You think Ray J is a national treasure.
435
00:16:48,737 --> 00:16:49,946
Yeah, so what?
436
00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:51,073
I'm eclectic.
437
00:16:51,239 --> 00:16:53,491
You're not better than me, okay?
438
00:16:53,575 --> 00:16:55,577
And I'm glad that I still own this place,
439
00:16:55,661 --> 00:16:57,788
because I can happily
invite you to leave.
440
00:16:58,038 --> 00:16:59,247
[LAUGHS]
441
00:16:59,539 --> 00:17:00,540
Grow up, Jake.
442
00:17:00,624 --> 00:17:02,124
[IMITATES GINA] Grow up, Jake.
443
00:17:02,459 --> 00:17:05,461
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah, thanks for your help.
444
00:17:05,545 --> 00:17:07,213
Old school "stylez."
445
00:17:07,297 --> 00:17:09,049
I take back the "Z"!
446
00:17:12,386 --> 00:17:13,637
[SIGHS]
447
00:17:13,804 --> 00:17:14,846
Whoa. Are you okay?
448
00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:17,557
Yep, just checking out my new bedroom.
449
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:21,853
Oh, good. It feels like scoliosis
450
00:17:21,937 --> 00:17:23,689
and smells like ten million butts.
451
00:17:23,855 --> 00:17:25,690
I take it your apartment
thing didn't work out.
452
00:17:25,774 --> 00:17:27,650
When did everyone
decide to become an adult?
453
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:30,111
I mean, I know you were
born in your 50s, but come on.
454
00:17:30,195 --> 00:17:31,446
Thanks? Get this…
455
00:17:31,530 --> 00:17:34,115
Gina just offered to buy Nana's apartment
456
00:17:34,199 --> 00:17:36,910
as a real estate opportunity
and become my landlady.
457
00:17:37,285 --> 00:17:39,287
Jake. I know she was just trying to help.
458
00:17:39,371 --> 00:17:41,581
But we've known each other
since we were kids, you know?
459
00:17:41,665 --> 00:17:42,874
I got her her job,
460
00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:45,210
which an ice cream
cone could do, by the way.
461
00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:47,503
And now, I find out she's
been saving all these years?
462
00:17:47,587 --> 00:17:49,130
Jake. I know.
463
00:17:49,214 --> 00:17:50,840
The person that I'm
really mad at is myself
464
00:17:50,924 --> 00:17:52,884
for screwing this whole thing up.
465
00:17:52,968 --> 00:17:55,011
I got to talk to Gina.
Thanks for your help, Amy.
466
00:17:55,095 --> 00:17:57,305
Didn't say anything.
Don't want credit in case it goes wrong.
467
00:17:57,389 --> 00:17:59,057
Yeah, that's smart,
given my track record.
468
00:17:59,141 --> 00:18:00,850
Hey, wait.
469
00:18:00,934 --> 00:18:03,186
What would you say Holt
thinks my biggest flaw is?
470
00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:04,620
Who cares what Holt thinks?
471
00:18:04,896 --> 00:18:07,857
What's most important is
what I think your biggest flaw is.
472
00:18:07,941 --> 00:18:09,692
And there are so many to choose from.
473
00:18:09,776 --> 00:18:11,819
Too competitive, prone to jealousy,
474
00:18:11,903 --> 00:18:14,156
bit of a killjoy, your shame cigarettes.
475
00:18:14,364 --> 00:18:15,365
Oh, my God.
476
00:18:15,449 --> 00:18:16,799
But your biggest flaw is…
477
00:18:17,659 --> 00:18:19,809
You suck at throwing
away your secret lists.
478
00:18:23,081 --> 00:18:24,207
Well, that was fun today.
479
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:25,833
Although I'm pretty
sure I caught some form
480
00:18:25,917 --> 00:18:28,002
of face lice from that bag of hair.
481
00:18:28,086 --> 00:18:30,713
Being a cop is dangerous,
although I knew that going in.
482
00:18:30,797 --> 00:18:31,798
Yeah, it was fun.
483
00:18:31,923 --> 00:18:33,800
Hey, you wanna grab a drink?
Oh, shoot. I would,
484
00:18:33,884 --> 00:18:36,719
but I'm meeting Vivian for
that romantic pig colon dinner.
485
00:18:36,803 --> 00:18:39,055
Hey, Rosa, I wanna apologize.
486
00:18:39,139 --> 00:18:41,391
I haven't been much fun to hang
out with over the last year or so.
487
00:18:41,475 --> 00:18:44,185
On account of all the asking
you out and smelling your hair
488
00:18:44,269 --> 00:18:46,319
and staring at you
from point blank range.
489
00:18:46,438 --> 00:18:48,338
Yeah, you were a real weirdo. Mmm-hmm.
490
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,150
But you're pretty cool now that
you're in love with someone else.
491
00:18:51,234 --> 00:18:52,235
Have a nice dinner.
492
00:18:52,569 --> 00:18:55,238
Oh, we will.
They make a sorbet out of the tail.
493
00:18:55,322 --> 00:18:56,364
See you.
494
00:18:58,366 --> 00:18:59,816
JEFFORDS
Excuse me, Captain.
495
00:19:01,369 --> 00:19:02,662
What are you doing, Sergeant?
496
00:19:02,746 --> 00:19:05,790
I'm going to yell at you and I
don't want Santiago to read my lips.
497
00:19:05,874 --> 00:19:06,874
Excuse me?
498
00:19:06,958 --> 00:19:09,795
You were completely
unfair to my squad today.
499
00:19:10,253 --> 00:19:12,839
Santiago is one of your best detectives,
500
00:19:12,923 --> 00:19:15,967
and all you wanted to do
was play mind games with her.
501
00:19:16,051 --> 00:19:18,511
Scully and Hitchcock
only arrested 14 people,
502
00:19:18,595 --> 00:19:20,096
but that's eight more than last year.
503
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:21,848
They only arrested six people last year?
504
00:19:21,932 --> 00:19:23,725
And I know Peralta can be childish,
505
00:19:23,809 --> 00:19:25,518
but he leads the precinct in collars,
506
00:19:25,602 --> 00:19:27,562
and he's grown up a heck
of a lot since you got here.
507
00:19:27,646 --> 00:19:29,522
Okay, sit down, Sergeant.
508
00:19:29,606 --> 00:19:31,406
I'm going to do your evaluation now.
509
00:19:35,612 --> 00:19:38,156
Sergeant Jeffords, you're right.
510
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,491
I have been hard on the squad.
511
00:19:40,575 --> 00:19:41,617
You're a good leader,
512
00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:43,536
and just the fact that you
were willing to stand up for them
513
00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:46,456
is one of the reasons
they respect you so much.
514
00:19:47,123 --> 00:19:48,624
I could learn something from you.
515
00:19:48,708 --> 00:19:51,211
You have every right to feel like, um…
516
00:19:51,962 --> 00:19:54,046
Um… What was it you said this morning?
517
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:55,382
A proud mama hen, sir.
518
00:19:56,091 --> 00:19:58,677
A proud mama hen.
519
00:20:00,929 --> 00:20:01,930
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
520
00:20:03,598 --> 00:20:04,849
What do you want, Jake?
521
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:07,769
I'm watching Oprah's Legends
Ball, which is what I do every time
522
00:20:07,853 --> 00:20:09,520
a close friend hurts my feelings.
523
00:20:09,604 --> 00:20:10,939
I came here to apologize.
524
00:20:13,275 --> 00:20:15,859
Look, I was mad at you for
being more together than me
525
00:20:15,943 --> 00:20:17,068
and that's not fair.
526
00:20:17,152 --> 00:20:19,238
I felt stupid so I acted out. I'm sorry.
527
00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:20,906
Yeah. You were stupid
528
00:20:20,990 --> 00:20:23,116
and you should be sorry, Jake.
529
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:27,413
But watching Oprah have brunch
with her strong women friends
530
00:20:28,122 --> 00:20:30,040
has taught me that it's okay to forgive.
531
00:20:30,124 --> 00:20:31,124
Great.
532
00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:32,876
Also, you should buy Nana's place.
533
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,128
Not for me. You should live there.
534
00:20:35,212 --> 00:20:37,881
You love that apartment and you
said so yourself. It's a great investment.
535
00:20:37,965 --> 00:20:39,382
And where are you gonna live?
536
00:20:39,466 --> 00:20:41,384
Here. I'll sublet from you.
537
00:20:41,468 --> 00:20:42,636
I actually ran the numbers.
538
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,012
I'd keep paying the same amount of rent,
539
00:20:44,096 --> 00:20:45,514
and you would turn a small profit.
540
00:20:45,598 --> 00:20:49,059
It's a starter apartment. And it's
my fault for starting when I'm 33.
541
00:20:49,226 --> 00:20:50,227
[LAUGHS]
542
00:20:50,978 --> 00:20:52,521
You have a deal. All right.
543
00:20:52,688 --> 00:20:54,773
Shake, shake. Yes!
544
00:20:55,274 --> 00:20:56,274
[DOOR OPENS]
545
00:20:56,358 --> 00:20:57,359
Hello, Detective.
546
00:20:57,443 --> 00:21:00,446
Is there a reason you're
interrupting me mid-soup?
547
00:21:00,779 --> 00:21:03,198
Yes. I'm ready for my self-evaluation.
548
00:21:04,450 --> 00:21:05,534
So, I asked Peralta
549
00:21:05,618 --> 00:21:07,410
what you thought my biggest flaw was
550
00:21:07,494 --> 00:21:10,539
and he said, "Who
cares what Holt thinks?"
551
00:21:10,623 --> 00:21:13,042
That's not surprising.
He's very disrespectful.
552
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:14,168
But he's not wrong.
553
00:21:14,418 --> 00:21:16,169
My biggest flaw is that I care too much
554
00:21:16,253 --> 00:21:17,754
what you think of me.
555
00:21:17,838 --> 00:21:19,756
I should be more confident
in my own judgment
556
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,008
and I am so sure of that,
557
00:21:22,092 --> 00:21:23,885
I don't even care if you think I'm right.
558
00:21:23,969 --> 00:21:25,346
Evaluation over.
559
00:21:25,971 --> 00:21:27,598
Enjoy your soup.
560
00:21:31,685 --> 00:21:33,604
-[DOOR CLOSES]
-[SLURPING]