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00:00:02,558 --> 00:00:04,102
SANTIAGO: Everyone, check your email.
2
00:00:04,186 --> 00:00:06,896
The greatest thing that could
ever happen has just happened.
3
00:00:06,980 --> 00:00:09,274
The girl who beat you for
high school valedictorian died?
4
00:00:09,358 --> 00:00:13,696
No. "Kevin Cozner requests your
presence at Raymond's birthday party."
5
00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:15,323
Who's Kevin Cozner?
6
00:00:15,531 --> 00:00:18,035
Is he the star of Danzes with Wolvez?
7
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:20,829
He's Captain Holt's husband.
Captain Raymond Holt?
8
00:00:20,913 --> 00:00:22,623
We're invited to the
Captain's birthday party.
9
00:00:22,707 --> 00:00:24,417
Oh, the Captain's party and whatnot.
10
00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:26,961
I can't wait to see the
inside of Raymond's house.
11
00:00:27,045 --> 00:00:28,964
I'm going to learn everything
there is to know about him.
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I bet it's really fancy.
Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
13
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,847
Nah, it's probably just an empty
white cube with a USB port in it
14
00:00:35,931 --> 00:00:38,581
for him to plug his finger in
when he's on sleep mode.
15
00:00:38,975 --> 00:00:39,976
Apparently, my husband, Kevin,
16
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has invited you all to my party.
17
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There is very little street parking.
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No gifts. No singing of Happy Birthday.
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It should be fun.
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Sounds fantastic.
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Did you hear that?
His husband invited us. Not him.
22
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He so doesn't want us there.
Yes, he does.
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It was kind of a last minute invite.
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Just stirring the pot.
25
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Why wouldn't Holt want us there?
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Because he thinks
27
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we're going to embarrass
him in front of his husband.
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Which, frankly, is insulting.
29
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Oh, man. All the orange
soda spilled out of my cereal.
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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Happy birthday, you sly old fox.
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How many spankings is it this year?
33
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Peralta, please.
Save some charm for the party.
34
00:01:38,127 --> 00:01:39,169
Oh, you mean the party
35
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that you begrudgingly invited us to
36
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at the last minute because
you don't want us there?
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I couldn't be happier you're coming.
And it shows.
38
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I can't wait to meet Kevin.
39
00:01:45,886 --> 00:01:47,930
I assume he's the fun
one in the relationship.
40
00:01:48,014 --> 00:01:50,224
I'm not sure you and
Kevin will get along.
41
00:01:50,391 --> 00:01:52,267
Really? Well, I disagree.
42
00:01:52,351 --> 00:01:54,813
In fact, I will guarantee you
that by the end of the night,
43
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Kev and I will be best friends.
44
00:01:56,982 --> 00:01:58,817
He hates being called Kev. Or does he?
45
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Yes.
46
00:02:00,904 --> 00:02:02,738
Ah, bam!
47
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:05,283
Behold.
My secret weapon for winning over Kevin.
48
00:02:05,408 --> 00:02:07,369
In this box is every grisly crime
49
00:02:07,453 --> 00:02:08,453
the Nine-Nine has worked
50
00:02:08,537 --> 00:02:09,579
in the past eight years.
51
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,624
Civilians love juicy cop stories.
52
00:02:12,584 --> 00:02:13,835
Oh, I call that murder where they strung
53
00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:15,294
fishing wire through three guys.
54
00:02:15,378 --> 00:02:16,796
Hey, we solved that together.
55
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,465
Well, tough tattros. I called it.
56
00:02:18,549 --> 00:02:20,259
Also, I have loaded all of my favorite
57
00:02:20,343 --> 00:02:22,469
karaoke backing tracks onto my phone.
58
00:02:22,553 --> 00:02:25,224
Kevin and I will be duetting
"Rolling in the Deep."
59
00:02:25,349 --> 00:02:27,226
That's it. Emergency squad meeting,
60
00:02:27,351 --> 00:02:28,977
briefing room, two minutes.
61
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PERALTA: Uh, "Adult Parties"?
62
00:02:33,149 --> 00:02:35,568
Sergeant, I believe
they're called orgies.
63
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No look five.
64
00:02:36,945 --> 00:02:38,864
I met my wife at an orgy.
65
00:02:38,948 --> 00:02:40,699
Well, she was leaving an orgy
66
00:02:40,783 --> 00:02:42,933
and we bumped into
each other on the street.
67
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,161
Real meet cute.
68
00:02:44,245 --> 00:02:46,330
Thank you for exhibiting exactly
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00:02:46,414 --> 00:02:47,914
why this meeting is necessary.
70
00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:50,042
Everyone here needs some instruction
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00:02:50,126 --> 00:02:51,962
on interacting with grownups.
72
00:02:52,046 --> 00:02:53,589
Sergeant, why am I here?
73
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,299
I'm always incredibly appropriate.
74
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,635
In high school, I was
voted "Most Appropriate."
75
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,055
Ooh. Self burn. Those are rare.
76
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,765
I shouldn't be here either.
I'm fine at parties.
77
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,685
I just stand in the middle of
the room and don't say anything.
78
00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:07,188
Here are the rules.
No staring at your phones.
79
00:03:07,313 --> 00:03:08,981
No rolling in two hours late.
80
00:03:09,065 --> 00:03:11,443
No sweatpants, no jeans, and no shorts.
81
00:03:11,527 --> 00:03:13,028
What about dress-up shorts?
82
00:03:13,112 --> 00:03:15,322
For instance, the kind
Jen Aniston might wear.
83
00:03:15,406 --> 00:03:19,035
No, those are still shorts. No shorts.
84
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:20,995
And everyone bring a bottle of wine.
85
00:03:21,079 --> 00:03:22,163
Why are there so many rules?
86
00:03:22,247 --> 00:03:24,291
I mean, next thing you're
going to say is we can't be late.
87
00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:26,475
Yeah.
That's, like, the first thing I said.
88
00:03:26,586 --> 00:03:28,212
Oh…
89
00:03:30,048 --> 00:03:34,136
This neighborhood is amazing.
Class just seeps out of every vestibule.
90
00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:36,598
Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
91
00:03:37,140 --> 00:03:39,517
Scully, I specifically said no shorts.
92
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:43,501
Sarge, it's not my fault. You said so
many things about shorts, I got confused.
93
00:03:43,814 --> 00:03:44,940
Man, did I screw the pooch.
94
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:47,108
[PANTING] Peralta. Where have you been?
95
00:03:47,192 --> 00:03:52,073
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know, I am
threety-five minutes late. Yikes!
96
00:03:52,282 --> 00:03:54,159
But I had to stop and get some wine.
97
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:58,038
Hello, good sir. I'd like your
finest bottle of wine, please.
98
00:03:58,122 --> 00:04:00,040
That will be $1,600.
99
00:04:00,124 --> 00:04:03,587
Great. I'd like your eight
dollar-est bottle of wine, please.
100
00:04:04,254 --> 00:04:06,965
It's from the finest
vineyard in Arkansas.
101
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Yeah! Ah. Samesies.
102
00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:16,977
Wow. Wow.
103
00:04:17,061 --> 00:04:18,562
Ah. Welcome. Captain.
104
00:04:18,812 --> 00:04:20,230
ALL: Captain! Raymond!
105
00:04:21,066 --> 00:04:23,026
Those slacks are a knockout.
106
00:04:23,318 --> 00:04:24,694
Come on, Amy.
107
00:04:24,778 --> 00:04:26,279
I trust you found my home easy to locate,
108
00:04:26,363 --> 00:04:28,073
and thank you all for
wearing appropriate footwear.
109
00:04:28,157 --> 00:04:31,357
Wow, you really let your hair
down when you're not at the office.
110
00:04:31,535 --> 00:04:33,955
Ah, Detectives, meet my husband, Kevin.
111
00:04:34,039 --> 00:04:35,039
Nice to meet you. Hi.
112
00:04:35,123 --> 00:04:37,376
Evening. So glad you could make it.
113
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Ah, and look.
You've brought us some wine.
114
00:04:40,922 --> 00:04:43,382
"Drink."
This is legally called "wine drink."
115
00:04:43,466 --> 00:04:45,301
Hmm. How very thoughtful. Thank you.
116
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:47,596
It's red. Like blood.
117
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,223
You know, I worked a double homicide
on this block a couple of years ago.
118
00:04:50,307 --> 00:04:52,267
The details will astound you.
119
00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:54,186
Yes, I'm sorry.
Perhaps Raymond didn't say anything.
120
00:04:54,270 --> 00:04:56,397
Our home has a "no shoptalk" policy.
121
00:04:56,481 --> 00:04:57,940
I don't bring home Beowulf
122
00:04:58,024 --> 00:04:59,901
and he doesn't bring home cop stories.
123
00:04:59,985 --> 00:05:03,447
So, may I pour you some of
this wine drink you brought us?
124
00:05:03,656 --> 00:05:05,533
Perhaps all of it?
125
00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:07,133
All of it sounds good.
126
00:05:09,246 --> 00:05:10,955
Actually, Ray and I met over the phone.
127
00:05:11,039 --> 00:05:12,081
Oh, they've all heard the story.
128
00:05:12,165 --> 00:05:14,001
No, we haven't. And we need to.
129
00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:17,212
Well, Ray was a source for an
article I was writing for The New Yorker.
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00:05:17,296 --> 00:05:19,674
I asked him a series of dry
questions about police work,
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00:05:19,758 --> 00:05:21,801
and his answers had me in stitches.
[CHUCKLES]
132
00:05:21,885 --> 00:05:23,678
There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
133
00:05:23,762 --> 00:05:24,804
Amen. There isn't?
134
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We met for a drink that night and
we've been together ever since.
135
00:05:27,767 --> 00:05:29,852
So, Kevin, I hear you're
a professor at Columbia?
136
00:05:29,936 --> 00:05:32,064
That's right.
Yes, I head the Classics Department.
137
00:05:32,148 --> 00:05:34,316
Oh, interesting. Classics.
138
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,693
Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard.
139
00:05:36,777 --> 00:05:38,277
Total classics head over here.
140
00:05:39,614 --> 00:05:42,826
I'm joking.
Obviously, I know what the classics are.
141
00:05:42,993 --> 00:05:47,206
The Odyssey and the one you
said when we got here, the wolf one.
142
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:51,099
Kevin, why don't we go mingle
and let the Detectives settle in?
143
00:05:53,255 --> 00:05:55,215
Boyle, what happened to your shirt?
144
00:05:55,424 --> 00:05:57,509
I spilled a wonderful winter salsa.
145
00:05:57,593 --> 00:05:59,595
Here, wear my shirt.
I was going to take it off anyway.
146
00:05:59,679 --> 00:06:02,891
Hitchcock, no. Boyle, take my sweater.
147
00:06:04,810 --> 00:06:07,437
Fits really well.
We have similar physiques.
148
00:06:07,521 --> 00:06:09,690
We've been here all of four
minutes and you guys have
149
00:06:09,774 --> 00:06:11,610
already forgotten everything I said.
150
00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:13,445
Party huddle stat.
151
00:06:14,154 --> 00:06:16,447
JEFFORDS: Okay, gang.
We need a new strategy.
152
00:06:16,531 --> 00:06:18,409
Totally. What is going on out there?
153
00:06:18,493 --> 00:06:19,702
We can't tell cop stories,
154
00:06:19,786 --> 00:06:20,869
Kevin doesn't find me charming,
155
00:06:20,953 --> 00:06:24,207
and a native English speaker
referred to Captain Holt as hilarious.
156
00:06:24,291 --> 00:06:25,500
I am flummoxed.
157
00:06:25,584 --> 00:06:27,919
That's a word I learned
for this party, and I am it.
158
00:06:28,003 --> 00:06:30,005
Well, I'm doing fine. Really?
159
00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:32,258
"Raymond, those slacks are a knockout."
160
00:06:32,342 --> 00:06:33,384
Do you think he heard that?
161
00:06:33,468 --> 00:06:34,468
Only 'cause you yelled it.
162
00:06:34,552 --> 00:06:35,636
Shut up.
163
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,723
From now on, we play to our strengths.
164
00:06:37,807 --> 00:06:40,934
Charles, you know everything about food.
That's all you talk about.
165
00:06:41,018 --> 00:06:44,397
I mean, I don't think anyone will
ever know everything about food.
166
00:06:44,481 --> 00:06:45,565
It's an evolving discipline.
167
00:06:45,649 --> 00:06:46,733
That's great stuff.
168
00:06:46,858 --> 00:06:48,735
It's so boring. Don't waste it.
169
00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:51,989
Amy, you studied art history.
That's interesting.
170
00:06:52,156 --> 00:06:55,493
Scully, opera. Hitchcock, nothing.
171
00:06:55,618 --> 00:06:56,870
Talk about nothing.
172
00:06:56,954 --> 00:06:58,747
Rosa, stick with Gina.
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00:06:59,039 --> 00:07:01,624
Make sure she doesn't say
anything insane or steal anything.
174
00:07:01,708 --> 00:07:03,502
Too late. [GIGGLING]
175
00:07:03,586 --> 00:07:06,506
Don't worry. It's just, like,
hats and scarves and stuff.
176
00:07:06,631 --> 00:07:08,759
She will put those back.
I will handle the chitchat.
177
00:07:08,843 --> 00:07:11,803
Well, that just leaves you, Peralta.
What's your cultural specialty?
178
00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:14,264
Easy. Kevin mentioned The New Yorker,
179
00:07:14,348 --> 00:07:15,767
and I've totally read that.
180
00:07:17,227 --> 00:07:18,937
[LAUGHING]
181
00:07:20,313 --> 00:07:23,317
Keep a low profile. Chuckle at anecdotes.
182
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,319
Try not to start any conversations.
183
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:28,949
Got it. Wait a minute.
You're Hitchcocking me?
184
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,366
Well, not surprising.
We're practically twins.
185
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,622
Be appropriate. On three. Quietly.
186
00:07:34,956 --> 00:07:36,332
One, two, three.
187
00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:38,001
ALL [SOFTLY]: Be appropriate.
188
00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:41,443
Now, break it up. We look weird.
SANTIAGO: Right.
189
00:07:45,551 --> 00:07:48,305
Don't move as a group.
You're not gazelles.
190
00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:57,189
-No, no, I said "millimeter."
-[ALL LAUGHING]
191
00:07:58,858 --> 00:08:02,905
Oh, Ray, I'm going to choke from laughter.
You're too funny.
192
00:08:03,113 --> 00:08:04,614
[LAUGHING]
193
00:08:04,698 --> 00:08:07,868
Yes. Great humor words, Raymond.
194
00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:10,120
You know, it reminds me of
a very interesting article I read
195
00:08:10,204 --> 00:08:11,914
about human trafficking
in The New Yorker.
196
00:08:11,998 --> 00:08:13,333
No, it doesn't. Oh.
197
00:08:13,417 --> 00:08:15,836
The one written by David Remnick?
I loved that piece.
198
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,879
From four weeks ago.
Or was it three weeks?
199
00:08:17,963 --> 00:08:20,008
No, four.
200
00:08:20,592 --> 00:08:23,928
Anyways, I was riveted.
I'm a huge New Yorker guy.
201
00:08:24,012 --> 00:08:25,763
I could talk about
that article for hours.
202
00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:26,890
Great. That's unnecessary.
203
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,560
Let's do that right now. Let's do!
204
00:08:29,727 --> 00:08:32,480
Ah! There they are.
Kevin, let's greet our guests.
205
00:08:32,564 --> 00:08:34,566
Oh. Duty calls.
206
00:08:36,276 --> 00:08:39,072
To be continued. Totes! Can't wait.
207
00:08:40,907 --> 00:08:42,032
I can wait.
208
00:08:42,116 --> 00:08:45,370
All I remember about that article is
the title. I was hopped up on nitrous.
209
00:08:45,454 --> 00:08:47,914
Well, we've got to find that magazine.
It's got to be in here somewhere, right?
210
00:08:47,998 --> 00:08:50,098
This place is like a
candy store for nerds.
211
00:08:50,459 --> 00:08:52,337
Stop eating crab wrong!
212
00:08:55,799 --> 00:08:56,800
Ah!
213
00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,429
Pepper relish on your arancini.
Very playful.
214
00:09:00,513 --> 00:09:03,413
Cut through the richness,
add a little levity. I love that.
215
00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:05,060
You really know your food.
216
00:09:05,352 --> 00:09:07,562
You could say it's the only
thing I'm allowed to talk about.
217
00:09:07,646 --> 00:09:09,773
I'm Charles. I work with Captain Holt.
218
00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:12,735
I'm Vivian Ludley. I work with Kevin.
219
00:09:12,860 --> 00:09:14,862
No. The Vivian Ludley?
220
00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:18,617
Author of Stone Fruits and
Stone-Stones: Food of the Paleolithic Era?
221
00:09:18,742 --> 00:09:22,955
I'm a huge fan. It's got the best
recipes for making salads out of moss.
222
00:09:23,205 --> 00:09:26,835
The trick is you have
to lean into the dirt taste.
223
00:09:27,127 --> 00:09:28,962
A-ha. Mmm.
224
00:09:29,295 --> 00:09:33,217
Chickpeas, tahini, smoked paprika.
225
00:09:33,884 --> 00:09:35,344
They make their own hummus.
226
00:09:35,594 --> 00:09:39,307
Santiago? Sergeant! I'm learning so much.
227
00:09:39,599 --> 00:09:41,225
We both have blue hand towels,
228
00:09:41,309 --> 00:09:42,936
we have the same microwave,
229
00:09:43,020 --> 00:09:45,565
and once I buy coasters
made out of geodes,
230
00:09:45,773 --> 00:09:47,984
we'll both have those. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
231
00:09:48,943 --> 00:09:50,570
No! Hey! My notes!
232
00:09:50,654 --> 00:09:52,990
This is a birthday party,
not a recon mission.
233
00:09:53,699 --> 00:09:55,949
You can get this back
at the end of the night.
234
00:09:57,287 --> 00:09:59,637
All right.
Let's go interact with these dummies.
235
00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:01,207
Wait here.
236
00:10:02,751 --> 00:10:03,919
What do you teach?
237
00:10:04,211 --> 00:10:07,172
Comparative historiography of the
French and American revolutions.
238
00:10:07,256 --> 00:10:08,591
Nope. How about you?
239
00:10:08,758 --> 00:10:10,594
Molecular biology. Worse.
240
00:10:11,053 --> 00:10:12,178
What do you study?
241
00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:13,764
Abnormal psychology.
242
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,464
So, like, weirdos and freaks?
243
00:10:16,392 --> 00:10:19,187
You should meet my friend. Hey.
244
00:10:20,563 --> 00:10:22,733
Gina, what are you
thinking about right now?
245
00:10:23,358 --> 00:10:26,820
I was thinking how I would make
the perfect American president,
246
00:10:26,987 --> 00:10:31,618
based upon my skill set,
dance ability, and bloodlust.
247
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:35,163
That is fascinating.
248
00:10:35,247 --> 00:10:37,833
[GIGGLES] Ashanti.
249
00:10:43,131 --> 00:10:46,760
Oh, man. It's black Tom
Selleck and white Sidney Poitier.
250
00:10:47,636 --> 00:10:48,930
[SIGHS]
251
00:10:49,055 --> 00:10:51,807
Come on. All books and no magazines?
252
00:10:51,891 --> 00:10:54,520
What kind of crappy
library is full of books?
253
00:10:55,312 --> 00:10:56,563
A crap library.
254
00:10:57,189 --> 00:11:00,317
All of the magazines are in the bathroom.
Great solve, Peralta.
255
00:11:00,734 --> 00:11:01,902
Ah!
256
00:11:01,986 --> 00:11:03,113
Can I help you?
257
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:06,490
Captain, I didn't hear you
silently sneak up on me.
258
00:11:06,574 --> 00:11:09,119
Oh, that reminds me.
Tell Kevin that I am available
259
00:11:09,203 --> 00:11:10,537
for brunch on Sunday the 17th.
260
00:11:10,621 --> 00:11:12,123
The 17th is a Tuesday.
261
00:11:12,373 --> 00:11:15,168
Why are you talking about
The New Yorker all of a sudden?
262
00:11:15,252 --> 00:11:17,302
I always talk about
smart stuff, you know,
263
00:11:17,671 --> 00:11:19,881
the Jazz Age, what's in a name,
264
00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:22,927
the 1950s movies that were from the '50s.
265
00:11:23,094 --> 00:11:25,544
Those were the categories on Jeopardy!
last night.
266
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:29,560
Don't try so hard to impress my husband.
Yes, sir.
267
00:11:32,479 --> 00:11:33,940
To the crap library.
268
00:11:34,566 --> 00:11:37,318
April 13th, May 2nd…
269
00:11:38,153 --> 00:11:41,615
Come on. Why doesn't my
life always work out perfectly?
270
00:11:41,699 --> 00:11:44,117
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Uh, just a second!
271
00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:48,081
I'm halfway done!
I'm halfway there. I'm halfway done,
272
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:50,584
-with what's happening in here.
-WOMAN: Okay.
273
00:11:51,793 --> 00:11:54,255
[OPERATIC SINGING IN ITALIAN]
274
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,553
This song gets to me every time.
It's beautiful.
275
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,222
You must be so proud. I sure am.
276
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:03,932
How long have you two been together?
277
00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:05,935
We've been partners for almost 30 years.
278
00:12:06,019 --> 00:12:08,354
So, do you two ever get harassed at work?
279
00:12:08,605 --> 00:12:10,147
Harassed? For what?
280
00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:13,694
For being a gay couple who
works together in the NYPD.
281
00:12:13,861 --> 00:12:15,070
Uh…
282
00:12:17,698 --> 00:12:19,117
Peralta! Hey!
283
00:12:19,201 --> 00:12:21,702
Don't you one-minute me.
I will break that finger off.
284
00:12:21,786 --> 00:12:24,330
Hang up that phone.
I am talking to my credit card company.
285
00:12:24,414 --> 00:12:26,416
I tried to get an online
subscription to The New Yorker,
286
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,001
and they declined me.
287
00:12:28,085 --> 00:12:29,628
Apparently, based on
my previous purchases,
288
00:12:29,712 --> 00:12:31,712
they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy.
289
00:12:32,007 --> 00:12:35,135
I'm fancy.
One time, I had coffee flavored ice cream.
290
00:12:35,302 --> 00:12:36,761
Shut up. Okay.
291
00:12:36,845 --> 00:12:38,181
Hang up now.
292
00:12:38,431 --> 00:12:40,266
If you're that desperate,
the first two paragraphs
293
00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:42,150
of the article are on the free site.
294
00:12:42,477 --> 00:12:43,979
You have one minute to look it up,
295
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:46,565
and then if I catch you
on that phone again…
296
00:12:47,775 --> 00:12:48,775
Oh, my.
297
00:12:48,859 --> 00:12:52,159
Don't worry. I'm due for an upgrade
and my babies are on the cloud.
298
00:12:54,699 --> 00:12:56,159
He is so strong.
299
00:12:59,247 --> 00:13:01,332
Thank you. Lovely party, Kevin.
300
00:13:01,832 --> 00:13:04,086
These tiny pickles are hilarious.
301
00:13:04,336 --> 00:13:05,963
They're called cornichons.
302
00:13:08,215 --> 00:13:10,718
So, that New Yorker article about
human trafficking we were discussing?
303
00:13:10,802 --> 00:13:14,138
Mmm, yes. So interesting.
Especially the first two paragraphs.
304
00:13:14,222 --> 00:13:17,350
Right, but what did you think of
the thesis, vis-à-vis modern slavery,
305
00:13:17,434 --> 00:13:19,384
and its undeniable role in the economy?
306
00:13:19,770 --> 00:13:21,021
Good.
307
00:13:21,105 --> 00:13:23,774
If you ask me, the whole
thesis was way off base,
308
00:13:23,858 --> 00:13:25,526
vis-a-vis the rest of the article,
309
00:13:25,610 --> 00:13:29,030
vis-a-vis America…
310
00:13:30,241 --> 00:13:33,869
The article was antislavery.
Are you saying that slavery is good?
311
00:13:33,995 --> 00:13:35,537
You know, I think you're
missing the point of the article.
312
00:13:35,621 --> 00:13:37,123
You must not be remembering it right.
313
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:39,167
Well, I just read it last
night as I got in bed.
314
00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:40,251
It's quite fresh in my memory.
315
00:13:40,335 --> 00:13:43,172
Ah. You know, I would like
to hear more of your thoughts.
316
00:13:43,339 --> 00:13:45,883
And I would love to give
them to you, but unfortunately,
317
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:48,971
I have got to hit the crap library.
Excuse me one second.
318
00:13:50,139 --> 00:13:54,101
My last meal on Earth?
That's a great question.
319
00:13:54,393 --> 00:13:57,230
I'd go classic French. Ortolan.
320
00:13:57,772 --> 00:13:59,983
Tiny songbird, eaten in a single bite,
321
00:14:00,191 --> 00:14:02,653
bones and all, in open defiance of God.
322
00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:04,988
It's illegal to consume Ortolan,
323
00:14:05,072 --> 00:14:08,422
but I actually got an academic
dispensation to eat one once. [SIGHS]
324
00:14:08,785 --> 00:14:10,537
The beak, very crunchy.
325
00:14:10,871 --> 00:14:14,334
That is literally the sexiest
thing anyone has ever said.
326
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,962
How are you single?
You're not seeing anyone?
327
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,845
No. There's nobody in my life.
328
00:14:26,930 --> 00:14:29,351
Sort of a sad thing to
wink about, I realize now.
329
00:14:30,185 --> 00:14:33,187
Aren't you supposed to be
babysitting Gina? Doesn't need my help.
330
00:14:33,271 --> 00:14:35,315
She's over there dazzling
some psychologists.
331
00:14:35,399 --> 00:14:38,110
All men are at least 30% attracted to me.
332
00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:40,029
My mother cried the day I was born,
333
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:43,075
because she knew she
would never be better than me.
334
00:14:43,241 --> 00:14:45,576
At any given moment, I'm
thinking about one thing,
335
00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:48,956
Richard Dreyfuss hunkered
over, eating dog food.
336
00:14:49,123 --> 00:14:51,918
I feel like I'm the Paris of people.
337
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:55,839
Complete overlap of ego and id.
It's been theorized,
338
00:14:55,964 --> 00:14:57,674
but I never thought I'd see it.
339
00:14:57,758 --> 00:15:00,470
I'm exquisite. [LAUGHS]
340
00:15:00,970 --> 00:15:02,347
[MOANING]
341
00:15:05,016 --> 00:15:08,604
I can't believe I'm Frenching in
the closet. I feel like a teenager.
342
00:15:08,896 --> 00:15:10,523
And I feel like I'm 40 again.
343
00:15:10,689 --> 00:15:15,445
Chew on this shiso leaf.
It will give our kissing umami flavor.
344
00:15:21,869 --> 00:15:23,496
Delicious. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
345
00:15:25,164 --> 00:15:27,414
Time to put my newfound
knowledge to the test.
346
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,212
So, sir. Popcorn setting.
347
00:15:31,296 --> 00:15:32,841
Always too short, am I right?
348
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:35,426
I'm sorry? On our microwave.
349
00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:36,886
We have the same microwave.
350
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,620
Oh, I didn't buy it.
It, um, came with the house.
351
00:15:40,474 --> 00:15:43,018
Hummus. Thoughts?
352
00:15:43,477 --> 00:15:46,648
I have no thoughts about hummus.
353
00:15:47,441 --> 00:15:49,484
If you'll excuse me. Yeah.
354
00:15:52,405 --> 00:15:54,073
Blink twice if you'd
like me to mercy kill you.
355
00:15:54,157 --> 00:15:55,866
I thought I had done
enough recon, but clearly,
356
00:15:55,950 --> 00:15:57,550
I've only scratched the surface.
357
00:15:58,328 --> 00:16:02,791
If I'm gonna bond with him, I have
to massively violate his privacy.
358
00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:05,586
But Truffaut wrote Breathless. [CHUCKLES]
359
00:16:05,670 --> 00:16:07,880
And I've always considered
movies a writer's medium.
360
00:16:07,964 --> 00:16:10,509
I can't agree. It's Godard's film.
361
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,219
Come on.
362
00:16:12,303 --> 00:16:14,304
I mean, Truffaut is also important.
363
00:16:14,388 --> 00:16:17,392
Seriously? Hold this. I've got to go.
364
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:22,022
Wow. Maybe it is Truffaut's film.
365
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:26,777
Mighty DVR, tell me the Captain's secrets.
Unveil yourself to me.
366
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,782
Oh, How It's Made: Contact Lenses. Bingo!
367
00:16:33,494 --> 00:16:36,789
What are you doing here? I… What?
I'm not. What are you doing here?
368
00:16:36,873 --> 00:16:38,541
I need to find a New Yorker
that Kevin left by the bed,
369
00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:42,253
so I can justify this whole pro
slavery stance I backed myself into.
370
00:16:43,547 --> 00:16:46,174
-Detectives!
-PERALTA: Sarge.
371
00:16:46,258 --> 00:16:49,638
I see that you, like I, came
up here to chastise Santiago.
372
00:16:49,888 --> 00:16:51,973
Amy, this is low, even for you.
373
00:16:52,057 --> 00:16:54,725
I cannot believe you would both violate
374
00:16:54,809 --> 00:16:56,103
the "please stay downstairs" rule,
375
00:16:56,187 --> 00:16:58,272
which was prominently posted.
376
00:16:58,648 --> 00:16:59,773
Get out of here.
377
00:16:59,857 --> 00:17:02,235
HOLT: I don't know why we
have to have this discussion again.
378
00:17:02,319 --> 00:17:04,821
What do we do? Bathroom. Bathroom.
379
00:17:08,325 --> 00:17:09,743
Why are you upset with me?
380
00:17:09,827 --> 00:17:11,871
Your employees are the ones
putting a damper on the party.
381
00:17:11,955 --> 00:17:14,540
They are acting terribly. You're the
one who's been acting terribly tonight.
382
00:17:14,624 --> 00:17:16,794
You've been curt and
snobby with my guests.
383
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,336
You've been needling
poor Peralta so much,
384
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:20,172
you practically made him a new suit.
385
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:23,843
Needled him a new suit. Even when
we're fighting, you're hilarious. Stop it.
386
00:17:23,927 --> 00:17:25,011
Stop it.
387
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:29,433
Oh, no. Dog. Allergies.
Sneezing. No. Get away.
388
00:17:29,517 --> 00:17:31,727
Shh. Grab the dog.
389
00:17:36,149 --> 00:17:40,362
Look at me. Do not blow this for us.
390
00:17:40,947 --> 00:17:43,032
You know what? I knew this
wasn't going to work. It never has.
391
00:17:43,116 --> 00:17:45,701
We should have just gone out for dinner
to a restaurant, like we do every year.
392
00:17:45,785 --> 00:17:47,204
Why did you make me invite them?
393
00:17:47,288 --> 00:17:49,372
I made you invite them
because I like them.
394
00:17:49,456 --> 00:17:52,585
-They're good people.
-[SANTIAGO SNEEZING]
395
00:17:54,379 --> 00:17:56,797
Santiago, are you hiding in my bathroom
396
00:17:56,881 --> 00:17:58,981
with a dog that you're
deathly allergic to?
397
00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:00,803
SANTIAGO: No.
398
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,352
Occupied. [PANTING]
399
00:18:10,522 --> 00:18:12,733
Well, this has been a stinky 12 hours.
400
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:16,320
My computer bag got a hole in the
bottom and my power cord fell out.
401
00:18:16,404 --> 00:18:20,242
Last night was such a disaster,
I wheeze-cried myself to sleep.
402
00:18:20,326 --> 00:18:22,661
Well, at least Captain said he liked us.
403
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:25,330
Right before he kicked us out
of his house for violating his trust.
404
00:18:25,414 --> 00:18:27,250
Why didn't Kevin want to invite us?
405
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:29,461
We could have been really cool people.
406
00:18:29,753 --> 00:18:31,880
We weren't, but we could have been.
407
00:18:32,005 --> 00:18:35,217
Well, as soon as he unveiled
his "no cop talk" policy, I was sunk.
408
00:18:35,301 --> 00:18:37,594
Gruesome murders are
the cornerstone of my charm.
409
00:18:37,678 --> 00:18:39,222
Well, he spent the
last 30 years with a cop.
410
00:18:39,306 --> 00:18:41,106
Maybe he's sick of hearing about it.
411
00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:44,811
Wait. Maybe that's not what he's sick of.
412
00:18:46,189 --> 00:18:48,858
Santiago, you brilliant bastard.
You figured it out!
413
00:18:53,405 --> 00:18:55,824
Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner.
414
00:18:56,575 --> 00:18:59,287
What do you want? I'd like to
tell you about a case I solved.
415
00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:01,289
Thank you, but just as with my home,
416
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:03,416
my office has a strict
"no cop talk" policy.
417
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:07,600
I figured, but the case that I have solved
is the case of the "no cop talk" policy.
418
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,883
There were three things that
bothered me about last night.
419
00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:12,385
You didn't want the
Nine-Nine at your party,
420
00:19:12,469 --> 00:19:14,019
even though you'd never met us.
421
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:17,433
Your friends immediately asked Hitchcock
and Scully if they were harassed.
422
00:19:17,517 --> 00:19:20,603
And there was something interesting
about that photo in your library.
423
00:19:20,687 --> 00:19:23,087
You and the Captain
were shunted off to the side.
424
00:19:23,356 --> 00:19:26,402
I don't think you dislike cop talk.
I think you dislike cops.
425
00:19:26,527 --> 00:19:28,820
[SCOFFS] I'm married to one. I know.
426
00:19:28,904 --> 00:19:31,198
And I can't imagine it's been
fun watching the man you love
427
00:19:31,282 --> 00:19:34,452
marginalized, under-appreciated,
and disrespected by the NYPD.
428
00:19:34,786 --> 00:19:37,789
Because he's gay, Raymond has
been put through hell by his colleagues.
429
00:19:37,873 --> 00:19:40,626
Many of whom, quite
frankly, look exactly like you.
430
00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:44,548
Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry.
I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
431
00:19:44,881 --> 00:19:48,176
So, yes, I decided a long time ago
that just because I love Raymond,
432
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:50,860
doesn't mean I have to love
the people he works with.
433
00:19:51,139 --> 00:19:54,100
Good solve, Detective. Nice cop lingo.
434
00:19:54,392 --> 00:19:57,062
Look, I'm really sorry
that we ruined your party.
435
00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,440
I'd like to make it up to you.
436
00:19:59,982 --> 00:20:02,067
PERALTA: Captain,
thank you for joining us.
437
00:20:02,151 --> 00:20:04,612
What's going on?
A proper birthday dinner.
438
00:20:04,946 --> 00:20:07,365
Amy chose the restaurant. Captain.
439
00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:10,453
Huh. Perfect.
I've always wanted to come here.
440
00:20:10,578 --> 00:20:13,413
PERALTA: Boyle picked the menu.
Vivian helped.
441
00:20:13,497 --> 00:20:15,667
Terry chose the champagne.
442
00:20:16,585 --> 00:20:18,503
I'm sorry about your party, sir.
443
00:20:18,754 --> 00:20:21,047
I tried to keep them
in line, but I failed.
444
00:20:21,131 --> 00:20:22,174
Well, that's not your job.
445
00:20:22,258 --> 00:20:24,510
I'm only sorry you didn't get
a chance to enjoy yourself.
446
00:20:24,594 --> 00:20:26,553
Gina has brought back all the silverware
447
00:20:26,637 --> 00:20:28,187
that she stole from your house.
448
00:20:30,225 --> 00:20:32,144
What? Also, this clock.
449
00:20:33,312 --> 00:20:35,064
Good heavens. This isn't ours.
450
00:20:35,398 --> 00:20:37,483
And my contribution will
be to refrain from discussing
451
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:40,111
The New Yorker for
the rest of my living days.
452
00:20:41,237 --> 00:20:43,031
Enjoy. Thank you, Jake.
453
00:20:43,115 --> 00:20:44,865
You're welcome, Kevin. Call me Kev.
454
00:20:45,117 --> 00:20:46,368
Oh. What?
455
00:20:46,619 --> 00:20:48,329
Oh, he told you to say that, didn't he?
456
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,581
Well you are always playing
pranks on me, Raymond.
457
00:20:50,665 --> 00:20:52,250
Just once, let me be the funny one.
458
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:53,376
[SIGHS]
459
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,713
And finally, it is my great
pleasure to introduce
460
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:59,175
the Nine-Nine's own Detective
Scully to serenade you.
461
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,387
[OPERATIC SINGING IN ITALIAN]
462
00:21:11,731 --> 00:21:13,692
[SOBS] This part always gets me.