1
00:00:02,696 --> 00:00:03,737
Careful.
2
00:00:03,821 --> 00:00:05,739
You only get one shot at this, Peralta.
3
00:00:05,823 --> 00:00:07,782
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.
4
00:00:07,866 --> 00:00:10,034
I saw the first 15 minutes
of The Hurt Locker.
5
00:00:10,118 --> 00:00:12,036
Hurry. The stench is too much.
6
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,662
We gotta get those shoes out of here.
7
00:00:13,746 --> 00:00:15,205
How much time do we have?
8
00:00:15,289 --> 00:00:16,998
Scully ate his potpie 30 minutes ago.
9
00:00:17,082 --> 00:00:19,124
So we probably got 10
minutes left on this nap.
10
00:00:19,208 --> 00:00:20,668
Twelve if he's turkey-tired.
11
00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:23,003
All right, come to papa.
12
00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:25,829
[GRUNTING] It's trapped. Abort mission!
13
00:00:26,089 --> 00:00:27,215
I have an idea.
14
00:00:40,976 --> 00:00:42,977
Let's send these shoes to hell.
15
00:00:45,938 --> 00:00:47,022
Oh, wait.
16
00:00:47,106 --> 00:00:48,731
Eh, it just smells worse than before.
17
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:49,857
Oh! Ugh!
18
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:50,942
Abort.
19
00:00:51,193 --> 00:00:53,194
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
20
00:01:13,543 --> 00:01:15,503
Whoa. Why are you here before me?
21
00:01:15,587 --> 00:01:17,172
Am I asleep? Is this a dream?
22
00:01:17,379 --> 00:01:20,257
I am early because
Jimmy Brogan is here today.
23
00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:22,341
Why do you care so much
about some old reporter?
24
00:01:22,425 --> 00:01:23,676
"Some old reporter"?
25
00:01:24,427 --> 00:01:27,512
Is the sky just some big
blue hat that the world wears?
26
00:01:27,596 --> 00:01:29,514
No. And no one has ever thought that.
27
00:01:29,598 --> 00:01:30,890
My point exactly.
28
00:01:30,974 --> 00:01:35,311
Jimmy Brogan wrote The Squad
about badass New York cops in the '70s.
29
00:01:35,770 --> 00:01:37,020
It's the best book I've ever read.
30
00:01:37,104 --> 00:01:38,688
And I've read 15 books.
31
00:01:38,772 --> 00:01:40,189
Fifty books is not a lot.
32
00:01:40,273 --> 00:01:42,525
Wait… You said 15?
33
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,903
The Squad is what made me
decide to become a detective.
34
00:01:46,987 --> 00:01:48,587
And it was my first book report.
35
00:01:48,738 --> 00:01:51,657
"The detectives wiped the
mobster's blood off their boots
36
00:01:51,741 --> 00:01:53,324
"and found the scag."
37
00:01:53,408 --> 00:01:54,743
Scag is heroin.
38
00:01:54,910 --> 00:01:58,120
And the book says it's so
good you can never stop doing it.
39
00:01:58,329 --> 00:01:59,914
See me after class, Jacob.
40
00:02:00,039 --> 00:02:03,917
Fun side note, I later lost my
virginity to Mrs. Stratton's daughter.
41
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,044
It was… Very fast.
42
00:02:06,461 --> 00:02:07,461
Nice!
43
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,338
Mr. Brogan… Hmm.
44
00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,548
These are Detectives
Santiago and Peralta.
45
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,217
Mr. Brogan, I am a huge fan of your book.
46
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:16,851
Would you mind signing my copy?
47
00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:18,011
I'd love to.
48
00:02:18,095 --> 00:02:19,304
It's always nice to meet a fan.
49
00:02:19,388 --> 00:02:21,139
You can just make it out to "Death Wish."
50
00:02:21,223 --> 00:02:23,348
That's what everyone calls
me, because I'm always
51
00:02:23,432 --> 00:02:24,767
first through the door.
52
00:02:25,476 --> 00:02:28,227
You go through doors normally,
and everyone calls you "Pineapples."
53
00:02:28,311 --> 00:02:31,272
My grandma calls me "Pineapples"
and I regret telling you that.
54
00:02:31,356 --> 00:02:34,399
Those New York cops from the
'70s you wrote about were my idols.
55
00:02:34,483 --> 00:02:36,527
I mean Gaminsky, Cavanaugh, Quigg…
56
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:38,194
Those guys were the real deal.
57
00:02:38,278 --> 00:02:42,489
I once saw Gaminsky choke a
hippy to death with his own ponytail.
58
00:02:42,573 --> 00:02:43,823
Illegal! [SIGHS] Love that.
59
00:02:43,907 --> 00:02:45,533
Mr. Brogan is writing an article about
60
00:02:45,617 --> 00:02:47,326
how Brooklyn detectives have changed
61
00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,203
in the 35 years since The Squad.
62
00:02:49,412 --> 00:02:52,497
He'll be observing the two of you
on your Internet identity theft case.
63
00:02:52,581 --> 00:02:54,624
I hope Mr. Brogan's
presence doesn't prove to be a
64
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,375
distraction to you, Peralta.
65
00:02:56,459 --> 00:02:58,127
Distracted? Me? No, sir.
66
00:02:58,627 --> 00:02:59,962
Evil would love that.
67
00:03:00,379 --> 00:03:02,755
But I'm not giving evil the satisfaction.
68
00:03:03,214 --> 00:03:04,340
Not today.
69
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,134
Where's the can? I gotta unload.
70
00:03:07,551 --> 00:03:09,135
Unload. Great choice of words.
71
00:03:09,219 --> 00:03:11,096
It'd be an honor to show you, sir.
72
00:03:12,388 --> 00:03:14,265
All right. Everyone's here.
73
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,558
Today we're going to work
on our courtroom demeanor.
74
00:03:16,642 --> 00:03:17,642
Pass!
75
00:03:17,726 --> 00:03:19,853
This seminar is not optional, Diaz.
76
00:03:20,687 --> 00:03:23,522
You're testifying in an
aggravated assault case tomorrow.
77
00:03:23,647 --> 00:03:26,816
The DA is worried about how
you present yourself on the stand.
78
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:28,651
Why? I'm fine on the stand.
79
00:03:28,985 --> 00:03:32,445
Look, I'll make this real simple, so
even these dum-dums can understand.
80
00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:33,989
Man did crime.
81
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:38,065
I'm sorry. Can you make her stop
doing that weird thing with her face?
82
00:03:38,534 --> 00:03:39,660
-Crying?
-[SOBBING]
83
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,662
And when this is over,
I'm going to find you,
84
00:03:42,746 --> 00:03:45,039
and I'm going to break
those little fingers.
85
00:03:45,123 --> 00:03:48,375
Miss Diaz, please stop
threatening the stenographer.
86
00:03:49,209 --> 00:03:50,836
This is an important case.
87
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:51,920
You need to do well.
88
00:03:52,378 --> 00:03:54,228
Fine, I'll take your dumbass seminar.
89
00:03:54,589 --> 00:03:55,882
That's the spirit!
90
00:03:58,175 --> 00:04:00,468
Someone has placed
tiny scanners inside ATMs
91
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:03,763
to steal card numbers and PINs,
which they sell on the Internet.
92
00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:06,723
Oh, good God!
Why do you smell like an ashtray?
93
00:04:06,848 --> 00:04:08,433
Oh, sorry, Mom.
94
00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:11,475
It's the only way I can cope
with the stress of the job.
95
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,395
[GROANING]
96
00:04:16,773 --> 00:04:18,190
Anyway…
97
00:04:18,274 --> 00:04:20,693
We're running an algorithm to
comb through the transactions,
98
00:04:20,777 --> 00:04:23,778
looking for a pattern, which will
lead us to the perp's IP address.
99
00:04:23,862 --> 00:04:26,114
Got it. Boring mumbo-jumbo.
100
00:04:26,198 --> 00:04:28,740
Well, you could think of
the algorithm as a boot
101
00:04:28,824 --> 00:04:31,952
and the IP address as some
poor slob's skull. You know?
102
00:04:32,077 --> 00:04:33,953
We used to call guys who bragged about
103
00:04:34,037 --> 00:04:36,372
sitting around all day "Hair Bags."
104
00:04:36,497 --> 00:04:37,623
[BROGAN LAUGHING]
105
00:04:38,123 --> 00:04:39,875
Except for Detective Finaldi.
106
00:04:39,959 --> 00:04:42,126
You know, he had to sit around all day.
107
00:04:42,210 --> 00:04:45,546
A mafia thug pried both his
kneecaps off with a crowbar.
108
00:04:45,713 --> 00:04:47,089
Gah, so lucky.
109
00:04:47,297 --> 00:04:50,842
This kind of data-driven police
work has reduced crime by over 70%.
110
00:04:51,093 --> 00:04:53,468
I know hair bag work when I see it.
111
00:04:53,552 --> 00:04:56,055
Do me a favor, wake me
when your shift is over.
112
00:04:57,889 --> 00:04:59,140
[BROGAN SNORING]
113
00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:00,600
No way.
114
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,145
That is amazing.
115
00:05:05,813 --> 00:05:07,521
All you need is for a jury to like you.
116
00:05:07,605 --> 00:05:09,440
If they like you, they'll trust you.
117
00:05:09,524 --> 00:05:11,650
Fine.
How do I get these morons to like me?
118
00:05:14,528 --> 00:05:15,528
Don't call them morons.
119
00:05:15,612 --> 00:05:16,612
Good instinct!
120
00:05:16,696 --> 00:05:17,697
Okay.
121
00:05:17,822 --> 00:05:19,990
Sit up straight.
All right, be aware of your hands.
122
00:05:20,074 --> 00:05:21,365
Okay? Don't be afraid to smile.
123
00:05:21,449 --> 00:05:23,159
And if you need to buy
time you can always just say,
124
00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:26,578
"To be perfectly candid."
125
00:05:27,287 --> 00:05:28,330
I like that.
126
00:05:28,414 --> 00:05:30,498
JEFFORDS: And always
make good eye contact.
127
00:05:30,582 --> 00:05:32,166
But don't stare at people. Yeah.
128
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:33,250
You got to blink.
129
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:34,793
But don't blink too much. Or too fast.
130
00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:36,294
I think the bigger worry is slow blinks.
131
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,379
Don't blink too fast or too
slow, or too much or too little.
132
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,881
I know how to blink!
133
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,007
Quick question, sir.
134
00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,800
You know how we've been
trading favors back and forth
135
00:05:43,884 --> 00:05:45,052
and it's your turn to give me one?
136
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,177
None of that is true.
137
00:05:46,261 --> 00:05:47,261
Yeah, I know.
138
00:05:47,345 --> 00:05:49,513
Please, can I jump onto a
sweet mob-related homicide?
139
00:05:49,597 --> 00:05:52,725
There are no "sweet" mob-related
homicides on which to jump.
140
00:05:53,058 --> 00:05:54,100
Boom.
141
00:05:54,184 --> 00:05:55,644
There's one at the Seven-Three.
142
00:05:55,728 --> 00:05:57,436
Maybe I should roll over there, help out.
143
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,605
Brogan could tag along,
maybe write some stuff down.
144
00:05:59,689 --> 00:06:01,022
Why do you idolize that man?
145
00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:02,315
And the time he wrote about?
146
00:06:02,399 --> 00:06:03,608
Because the '70s were amazing.
147
00:06:03,692 --> 00:06:05,610
I mean, everyone had
thick, juicy mustaches.
148
00:06:05,694 --> 00:06:07,903
And all the clothes were
orange and flammable.
149
00:06:07,987 --> 00:06:11,113
The '70s were not a good time
for the city or for the department.
150
00:06:11,197 --> 00:06:13,115
Corruption, brutality, sexism.
151
00:06:13,199 --> 00:06:15,034
Diaz or Santiago never
would have made detective.
152
00:06:15,118 --> 00:06:17,744
And an openly gay man like me?
I never would have been given a command.
153
00:06:17,828 --> 00:06:19,454
There were very few black detectives.
154
00:06:19,538 --> 00:06:21,622
Did I ever tell you what my
first day on the job was like?
155
00:06:21,706 --> 00:06:23,249
[PEOPLE SQUABBLING]
156
00:06:25,043 --> 00:06:26,543
Hello. I'm Raymond Holt.
157
00:06:26,877 --> 00:06:28,795
Are you here to turn yourself in?
158
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,422
Oh, yeah, that's really messed up.
159
00:06:32,506 --> 00:06:34,925
But the guys that Brogan wrote
about, they were great detectives.
160
00:06:35,009 --> 00:06:36,008
I mean, they were legit.
161
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:37,134
Some of them were legit.
162
00:06:37,218 --> 00:06:39,618
Some of them were just
Brogan's drinking buddies.
163
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,598
Sir, that is a brilliant idea.
164
00:06:42,890 --> 00:06:45,599
It wasn't an idea. It was a scathing
indictment of your personal hero.
165
00:06:45,683 --> 00:06:46,976
Eh. Six of one.
166
00:06:48,269 --> 00:06:49,311
PERALTA: This is the best.
167
00:06:49,395 --> 00:06:51,271
Drinking with Jimmy Brogan.
168
00:06:51,730 --> 00:06:52,855
So tell me more about Quigg.
169
00:06:52,939 --> 00:06:54,482
Could he really light a
matchstick on his face?
170
00:06:54,566 --> 00:06:58,068
One time during a drug bust,
he got one of his fingers shot off.
171
00:06:58,152 --> 00:06:59,277
He didn't even flinch.
172
00:06:59,361 --> 00:07:03,364
He just picked it up and used it to
flip off every Puerto Rican in the place.
173
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,949
And that's my cue. It's late.
174
00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:07,033
Are you kidding?
175
00:07:07,117 --> 00:07:08,493
The old guard drank till dawn,
176
00:07:08,577 --> 00:07:11,829
ate some coffee grounds and
started the whole day all over again.
177
00:07:12,497 --> 00:07:14,039
I eat coffee grounds!
178
00:07:14,123 --> 00:07:15,456
Sure you do, Pineapples.
179
00:07:15,540 --> 00:07:16,874
How about another round?
180
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:19,711
Are you kidding me? I want to
hang with you till one of us dies.
181
00:07:19,795 --> 00:07:22,921
Look, I'm tired of talking. Why don't
you tell me some of your stories?
182
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:24,047
Great.
183
00:07:24,131 --> 00:07:27,981
Because I got some stories that'll make
Training Day look like Super Troopers.
184
00:07:29,177 --> 00:07:31,761
It's not… Bartender? Two scotches.
185
00:07:31,845 --> 00:07:33,013
BARTENDER: You got it.
186
00:07:33,514 --> 00:07:34,964
No, no. He meant two bottles.
187
00:07:35,099 --> 00:07:36,099
What?
188
00:07:36,265 --> 00:07:37,350
I mean, yeah.
189
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,768
Here you go.
190
00:07:38,976 --> 00:07:40,810
All right.
191
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,020
[LAUGHS]
192
00:07:43,855 --> 00:07:46,315
PERP: You'll never get me!
You'll never get me!
193
00:07:46,565 --> 00:07:48,025
We already got you, idiot.
194
00:07:48,150 --> 00:07:49,860
Look who's here.
195
00:07:49,944 --> 00:07:52,987
How was your night of old school drinking?
Hmm?
196
00:07:53,321 --> 00:07:54,321
Pretty hungover?
197
00:07:54,405 --> 00:07:55,405
Shh.
198
00:07:55,489 --> 00:07:57,074
Turn off your mouth, siren.
199
00:07:57,699 --> 00:07:59,899
Here are the texts I
got from you last night.
200
00:07:59,993 --> 00:08:01,119
"Best night ever."
201
00:08:01,661 --> 00:08:03,621
"Why Scotch burn so good?"
202
00:08:03,955 --> 00:08:06,248
"Was his name in Serpico?"
203
00:08:06,373 --> 00:08:08,624
"Who's the friend of
yours with the ping pong?"
204
00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:10,709
And, lastly, a picture of you
205
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:14,087
on the subway platform eating
Chinese chicken salad with no shirt on.
206
00:08:14,171 --> 00:08:15,254
PERALTA: Ha!
207
00:08:15,338 --> 00:08:17,674
Well, last night was awesome.
208
00:08:18,508 --> 00:08:21,468
We had an epic night of
bonding that I will never forget.
209
00:08:21,927 --> 00:08:23,804
Do it! I believe in you!
210
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:27,932
Throw it!
211
00:08:28,307 --> 00:08:30,100
I believe in you!
212
00:08:30,517 --> 00:08:31,642
Man, I wonder if Brogan's okay.
213
00:08:31,726 --> 00:08:34,062
He's 65 and he drank
two bottles of Scotch.
214
00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:35,145
He might be dead.
215
00:08:35,229 --> 00:08:36,229
He looks fine to me.
216
00:08:36,313 --> 00:08:37,397
Morning, kid!
217
00:08:37,481 --> 00:08:38,482
How you doing?
218
00:08:38,566 --> 00:08:40,859
Oh, hey. So good.
219
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:44,278
I feel great and I definitely
don't think it's burning hot in here.
220
00:08:44,362 --> 00:08:45,445
Well, I'm around.
221
00:08:45,529 --> 00:08:47,405
Grab me if anything
develops in your case.
222
00:08:47,489 --> 00:08:49,199
[COUGHS] You got it.
223
00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:50,449
That hurt so bad.
224
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:53,077
Let me know when he's gone so
I can slide onto the nice cool floor.
225
00:08:53,161 --> 00:08:54,620
He's gone. Great.
226
00:08:54,787 --> 00:08:55,954
Mmm.
227
00:08:59,124 --> 00:09:00,165
Ooh!
228
00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:01,876
My whole body has dry-mouth.
229
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,295
Why are we meeting in the ladies room?
230
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,547
It's the perfect place
for our second lesson.
231
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,798
Courthouse wardrobe.
232
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,341
What's wrong with the way I dress?
233
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,218
You know, some people might say
234
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:16,752
that all the black leather kind of
makes you look like a evil villain.
235
00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:20,307
Not me.
I think you look like a sexy motorcycle.
236
00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,351
Boyle. Pull it together.
237
00:09:23,435 --> 00:09:24,519
Yeah.
238
00:09:24,603 --> 00:09:25,977
JEFFORDS: We need to soften up your look.
239
00:09:26,061 --> 00:09:28,772
My wife and Charles'
mom donated some clothes.
240
00:09:29,856 --> 00:09:31,941
Your wife and Boyle's mom are both blind?
241
00:09:34,818 --> 00:09:36,737
I look like Arsenio.
242
00:09:37,112 --> 00:09:38,655
So it's perfect?
243
00:09:40,823 --> 00:09:42,199
That's actually my wedding suit.
244
00:09:42,283 --> 00:09:43,284
No.
245
00:09:44,285 --> 00:09:45,452
Yes.
246
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:46,661
No. No.
247
00:09:48,705 --> 00:09:50,331
That is great. Perfect.
248
00:09:51,290 --> 00:09:54,126
You look beautiful-ly
appropriate for court.
249
00:09:55,793 --> 00:09:57,045
[PERALTA GROANING]
250
00:09:57,670 --> 00:09:59,130
Scully? Hey, Jake?
251
00:09:59,297 --> 00:10:00,756
You've been alive forever.
252
00:10:01,131 --> 00:10:02,715
How did you used to cure hangovers?
253
00:10:02,799 --> 00:10:04,008
Oh, I didn't drink.
254
00:10:04,092 --> 00:10:07,386
I was, however, extremely
into cocaine for most of 1986.
255
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,054
I got to tell you the truth,
Hitchcock, can I tell you the truth?
256
00:10:10,138 --> 00:10:12,140
You and me, man, we're
going to be co-Captains.
257
00:10:12,224 --> 00:10:14,017
But first I'm taking you to Japan!
258
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:15,643
I'm already packed!
259
00:10:16,185 --> 00:10:18,854
I had three heart attacks that
year and declared bankruptcy.
260
00:10:18,938 --> 00:10:20,488
Hitchcock turned out just fine.
261
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:24,024
My grandpa was an old school cop.
262
00:10:24,108 --> 00:10:25,859
This was his hangover cure.
263
00:10:25,943 --> 00:10:26,985
Raw egg yolks.
264
00:10:27,069 --> 00:10:28,278
[GROANS IN DISGUST]
265
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,280
You look like a corpse we
just pulled out of the river.
266
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,740
Wrong. I look like a cool rock
star who OD'd in his own pool.
267
00:10:34,824 --> 00:10:35,825
Big difference.
268
00:10:35,909 --> 00:10:38,077
I told you not to let Jimmy
Brogan distract you from your work.
269
00:10:38,161 --> 00:10:41,163
So I assume you're not too
hung over to do said work?
270
00:10:41,247 --> 00:10:42,247
[SCOFFS] Nope.
271
00:10:42,331 --> 00:10:43,957
It's like I never even drank.
272
00:10:44,041 --> 00:10:45,291
And that's not a hangover cure?
273
00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:47,501
What, that? Nah, it's just some…
274
00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:48,753
Protein…
275
00:10:49,128 --> 00:10:51,922
For my guns.
I drink one every morning before I lift.
276
00:10:52,881 --> 00:10:53,882
So…
277
00:10:57,843 --> 00:10:58,970
Ugh!
278
00:11:00,971 --> 00:11:02,055
So good.
279
00:11:03,014 --> 00:11:05,557
You can barely even
tell it's a chicken embryo.
280
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,518
You should drink it all.
281
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,435
For your guns. [CLEARS THROAT]
282
00:11:12,563 --> 00:11:13,564
Yeah.
283
00:11:19,027 --> 00:11:20,152
[GAGS]
284
00:11:20,778 --> 00:11:22,112
It's just like, fitness, right?
285
00:11:22,196 --> 00:11:23,281
SANTIAGO: Mmm-hmm.
286
00:11:25,949 --> 00:11:27,409
Oh, why did I do this?
287
00:11:27,534 --> 00:11:29,826
According to your text, you were having
288
00:11:29,910 --> 00:11:31,786
"the beef light of my loaf."
289
00:11:31,870 --> 00:11:34,413
What?
No, no, why did I use this algorithm?
290
00:11:34,497 --> 00:11:36,624
We're only tracking people
who used the stolen cards.
291
00:11:36,708 --> 00:11:38,542
They might not be the same
as the ones who stole them.
292
00:11:38,626 --> 00:11:40,294
Here, switch seats with me.
293
00:11:43,505 --> 00:11:44,838
Oh, wow.
294
00:11:44,922 --> 00:11:46,006
Your butt's really warm.
295
00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:48,467
My butt's normal.
Your butt's the weird one.
296
00:11:48,551 --> 00:11:50,176
Don't get mad. It's nice.
297
00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:51,789
All right, so if we ignore all these
298
00:11:51,873 --> 00:11:53,845
fraudulent purchases
and go back far enough…
299
00:11:53,929 --> 00:11:55,013
Here.
300
00:11:55,097 --> 00:11:58,559
Someone posted the stolen card
numbers online from this IP address.
301
00:11:59,017 --> 00:12:00,768
Not bad. You found the pattern.
302
00:12:00,852 --> 00:12:02,895
All right. Let's aspirin up and roll out.
303
00:12:02,979 --> 00:12:05,480
[GRUNTING, GROANING]
304
00:12:08,233 --> 00:12:10,318
I'm glad you could be here for this.
305
00:12:12,737 --> 00:12:13,986
-MAN [OVER INTERCOM]: Hello.
-Mike Halbrook!
306
00:12:14,070 --> 00:12:15,279
NYPD! Open up!
307
00:12:15,363 --> 00:12:17,115
Put your head through the door.
308
00:12:17,657 --> 00:12:18,658
My head?
309
00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:20,576
SANTIAGO: We got a runner!
310
00:12:21,076 --> 00:12:22,744
-Stop! NYPD.
-PERALTA: Hands in the air!
311
00:12:22,828 --> 00:12:23,870
Oh, wow.
312
00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:28,832
[GRUNTING]
313
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:31,668
Ooh! Yeah. Good job.
314
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,295
Oh, I'm never drinking again.
315
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,671
Hey.
316
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,839
You know, I was going
to take him out myself, but,
317
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:39,507
ladies first, so…
318
00:12:39,591 --> 00:12:42,677
Relax, kid.
Being too hungover to chase a perp,
319
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:44,470
that's a classic old school move.
320
00:12:45,554 --> 00:12:47,973
You know, you are one
of the last few good cops
321
00:12:48,057 --> 00:12:50,433
fighting against the
rising tide of hair bags.
322
00:12:50,558 --> 00:12:51,934
Is what you're going
to say in your article?
323
00:12:52,018 --> 00:12:54,968
Ah, don't worry. You're going
to come out looking real good.
324
00:12:55,562 --> 00:12:57,481
Especially after our talk in the bar.
325
00:12:57,689 --> 00:13:00,608
So many good quotes,
especially about Holt.
326
00:13:01,525 --> 00:13:04,777
Cops are usually afraid to
go after their captains like that,
327
00:13:04,861 --> 00:13:07,238
but you, sir, are old school.
328
00:13:08,864 --> 00:13:09,907
You know it.
329
00:13:11,075 --> 00:13:12,493
Oh, Pineapples.
330
00:13:13,202 --> 00:13:14,660
What did you do?
331
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:18,788
-[GAVEL POUNDING]
-JUDGE: Your witness, Counselor.
332
00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:19,914
Detective Diaz.
333
00:13:19,998 --> 00:13:21,541
It's always a pleasure to see you.
334
00:13:21,625 --> 00:13:24,501
It's not good.
The lawyer's that slime ball Grundhaven.
335
00:13:24,585 --> 00:13:25,961
Rosa hates him.
336
00:13:26,045 --> 00:13:28,445
She's just right.
We coached her. She'll be okay.
337
00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:31,591
GRUNDHAVEN: Would you please
state your name for the record?
338
00:13:31,925 --> 00:13:33,800
To be perfectly candid,
339
00:13:33,884 --> 00:13:35,594
my name is Detective Rosa Diaz.
340
00:13:35,719 --> 00:13:38,554
Well, thank you for your
candor regarding your own name.
341
00:13:38,638 --> 00:13:39,889
[LAUGHING]
342
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,808
Detective Diaz, would
you please tell the court
343
00:13:42,892 --> 00:13:44,684
exactly how you're involved in this case?
344
00:13:44,768 --> 00:13:48,104
I caught Mr. Ladd physically
beating his boss with a fax machine.
345
00:13:48,188 --> 00:13:49,813
Most of his cheek was caved in.
346
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,191
His head was basically a blood fountain.
347
00:13:52,691 --> 00:13:55,026
I'm sorry, is this amusing
to you, Miss Diaz?
348
00:13:57,904 --> 00:13:59,704
JUDGE: Are you all right, Detective?
349
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:03,699
Oh, no.
350
00:14:03,783 --> 00:14:05,743
Brogan just sent me the
quotes he's going to run.
351
00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:07,453
I slammed Holt like 50 times.
352
00:14:07,745 --> 00:14:08,745
Listen.
353
00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:11,331
"Holt would rather I wear
a tie than solve a case."
354
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:14,965
"Holt cares more about catching
clerical errors than catching bad guys."
355
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:17,670
"Holt is way too verticulis."
356
00:14:17,962 --> 00:14:19,211
That's not even a word.
357
00:14:19,295 --> 00:14:20,421
What were you thinking?
358
00:14:20,505 --> 00:14:22,465
We were just hanging
out, being old school.
359
00:14:22,549 --> 00:14:25,899
He wasn't supposed to quote me.
I was off the record the whole time.
360
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:27,386
Oh, no, wait.
361
00:14:27,845 --> 00:14:29,136
I'm going on the record.
362
00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:31,514
Jake Peralta can dance!
363
00:14:33,181 --> 00:14:35,892
Whoo! Whoo!
364
00:14:36,393 --> 00:14:38,060
Jimmy Brogan!
365
00:14:39,103 --> 00:14:40,812
Look, you need to fix this, okay?
366
00:14:40,896 --> 00:14:42,314
Those quotes cannot run.
367
00:14:42,398 --> 00:14:43,981
It would be devastating for Holt.
368
00:14:44,065 --> 00:14:45,274
And the department.
369
00:14:45,358 --> 00:14:46,359
I'll fix it.
370
00:14:46,443 --> 00:14:47,651
Brogan's a cool guy.
371
00:14:47,735 --> 00:14:49,277
We're friends now. I'll just talk to him.
372
00:14:49,361 --> 00:14:51,113
Awesome dude to awesome dude.
373
00:14:51,822 --> 00:14:53,697
I should brush my
teeth first, though, right?
374
00:14:53,781 --> 00:14:55,283
Mmm-hmm! Yeah, it's terrible.
375
00:14:57,743 --> 00:14:59,827
Great advice, dummies!
I look like a psycho up there.
376
00:14:59,911 --> 00:15:01,412
Yes. You have to pull it together.
377
00:15:01,496 --> 00:15:02,497
That's not helping.
378
00:15:02,581 --> 00:15:04,623
It's what Sarge says
to me when I'm nervous.
379
00:15:04,707 --> 00:15:06,458
Rosa, I think you're nervous.
380
00:15:06,542 --> 00:15:07,750
Of course I'm nervous.
381
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:09,043
What did you think was the problem?
382
00:15:09,127 --> 00:15:12,088
We just assumed you were a
terrifying human being with a short fuse.
383
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:14,255
But if the problem is
that you're nervous,
384
00:15:14,339 --> 00:15:17,175
that's where Charles Boyle lives, baby.
I can help.
385
00:15:17,259 --> 00:15:18,967
You just need to go to your happy place.
386
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,052
What's that?
387
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,136
It sounds stupid.
388
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,678
Oh, everyone's happy place is different.
389
00:15:22,762 --> 00:15:24,472
For me, I just imagine I'm slurping up
390
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,933
the world's longest piece of linguine.
391
00:15:27,017 --> 00:15:28,975
It just keeps going and going.
392
00:15:29,059 --> 00:15:31,729
Every 20 feet of noodle,
there's a sauce change.
393
00:15:32,313 --> 00:15:34,022
I'm in my happy place right now.
394
00:15:34,189 --> 00:15:35,857
Mmm. Pesto!
395
00:15:36,024 --> 00:15:38,150
[SLURPING] Mmm. Carbonara!
396
00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:40,235
Great. Now I'm starving.
397
00:15:45,406 --> 00:15:47,616
Hey, hey. Jimmy Brogan.
398
00:15:48,116 --> 00:15:49,158
Thanks for meeting me.
399
00:15:49,242 --> 00:15:51,119
Welcome to the schvitz, kid!
400
00:15:51,536 --> 00:15:53,336
The most comfortable place on Earth.
401
00:15:53,454 --> 00:15:55,539
It's like crawling back into your mother.
402
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,165
Is that something people want to do?
403
00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:58,833
What'd you want to talk to me about?
404
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:01,710
Ah, so, I read those quotes you sent me.
405
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,254
And you… Wrote them so good!
406
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,880
The thing is…
407
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:09,425
I know I hid it incredibly well, but I
was pretty drunk when I said that stuff.
408
00:16:09,509 --> 00:16:11,469
So, any chance you wouldn't print it?
409
00:16:12,303 --> 00:16:14,345
Wait.
You said you were going on the record.
410
00:16:14,429 --> 00:16:16,056
I was clearly not in control.
411
00:16:16,348 --> 00:16:18,498
Maybe you should learn
to handle your brown.
412
00:16:18,891 --> 00:16:20,059
Ew!
413
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:24,384
Look, you know that I think you're like
the number one hero of the 20th century.
414
00:16:24,771 --> 00:16:27,022
But I kind of feel like
you're being unfair here.
415
00:16:27,106 --> 00:16:28,106
Feel like?
416
00:16:28,190 --> 00:16:31,776
Listen to her. Suzanne Somers over here.
Talk like a man.
417
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,903
All right. I will talk like a man.
You got me drunk and took advantage of me.
418
00:16:34,987 --> 00:16:36,239
Oh, come on. God.
419
00:16:37,198 --> 00:16:38,823
Look, I'm asking you nicely.
420
00:16:38,907 --> 00:16:40,241
Please don't print the quotes.
421
00:16:40,325 --> 00:16:42,701
And I'm telling you
nicely, I'm printing them.
422
00:16:42,910 --> 00:16:43,994
No, you're not.
423
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,820
What are you going to do about it?
424
00:16:51,918 --> 00:16:53,042
Hey, how'd it go with Brogan?
425
00:16:53,126 --> 00:16:54,127
Perfect.
426
00:16:54,211 --> 00:16:56,629
Except I punched him in the face
and made it a billion times worse.
427
00:16:56,713 --> 00:16:57,713
What?
428
00:17:05,262 --> 00:17:06,471
Yeah.
429
00:17:07,221 --> 00:17:10,390
So, Detective Diaz. You saw
my client struggling with his boss.
430
00:17:10,474 --> 00:17:12,141
But you don't know
who initiated the fight.
431
00:17:12,225 --> 00:17:15,102
To be perfectly candid, I was
pretty sure it was the defendant.
432
00:17:15,186 --> 00:17:16,729
Well, to be perfectly candid,
433
00:17:16,813 --> 00:17:18,646
"pretty sure" is not definitive.
434
00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:20,273
I think I know what happened.
435
00:17:20,357 --> 00:17:21,900
Well, to be perfectly candid,
436
00:17:21,984 --> 00:17:23,317
no one cares what you think.
437
00:17:23,401 --> 00:17:26,101
Do you actually know anything
or are you just guessing?
438
00:17:29,906 --> 00:17:31,948
Your client instigated the fight.
439
00:17:32,032 --> 00:17:33,700
I am certain.
440
00:17:33,784 --> 00:17:35,369
And I'm happy to tell you why.
441
00:17:36,662 --> 00:17:37,870
Yes. She went to her happy place.
442
00:17:37,954 --> 00:17:39,205
I know that, Boyle.
443
00:17:39,581 --> 00:17:41,666
You punched Jimmy Brogan?
444
00:17:42,165 --> 00:17:43,291
What were you thinking?
445
00:17:43,375 --> 00:17:46,252
I was thinking that I needed
to protect this precinct
446
00:17:46,336 --> 00:17:48,253
from things that I
said about this precinct
447
00:17:48,337 --> 00:17:51,256
to a reporter, while drunk and insisting
he record me! I shouldn't have done it.
448
00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:52,340
Unbelievable.
449
00:17:52,424 --> 00:17:54,091
Every time I think you might
make a decent detective
450
00:17:54,175 --> 00:17:55,176
you go and pull something like this.
451
00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:57,177
I thought I could handle my brown.
452
00:17:58,887 --> 00:18:00,598
I know, I'm sorry. That's gross.
453
00:18:00,723 --> 00:18:01,847
Go home.
454
00:18:01,931 --> 00:18:04,881
You've got the rest of the day
to put your head on straight.
455
00:18:04,976 --> 00:18:06,019
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
456
00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:13,565
Got Halbrook to cop to every charge.
457
00:18:13,649 --> 00:18:14,650
Nice work, Santiago.
458
00:18:14,734 --> 00:18:16,151
-[DOOR CLOSING]
-Thank you, sir.
459
00:18:16,235 --> 00:18:19,695
Peralta figured out the pattern, though,
so he should get credit for the collar.
460
00:18:19,779 --> 00:18:21,447
Have you seen him? I sent him home.
461
00:18:21,531 --> 00:18:22,948
He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
462
00:18:23,032 --> 00:18:26,082
Yeah, but that caveman kind
of had it coming, don't you think?
463
00:18:26,993 --> 00:18:28,161
Oh.
464
00:18:28,286 --> 00:18:29,936
He didn't tell you. Tell me what?
465
00:18:30,038 --> 00:18:31,039
Never mind.
466
00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:34,082
If Jake didn't tell you, he must've
had a reason. It's not my place.
467
00:18:34,166 --> 00:18:36,209
I'm disappointed in you, Santiago.
468
00:18:36,668 --> 00:18:38,419
I thought you and I were close.
469
00:18:40,129 --> 00:18:41,838
I know you're manipulating me.
470
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:44,758
But I love it, and I
will tell you anything.
471
00:18:44,966 --> 00:18:47,316
So Jake went to the
schvitz to talk to Brogan…
472
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,346
What are you going to do about it?
473
00:18:54,974 --> 00:18:56,267
There's nothing I can do.
474
00:18:56,351 --> 00:19:00,979
Except to ask you nicely, as a fan of you,
your work, and the guys you wrote about,
475
00:19:01,063 --> 00:19:02,271
please don't print the quotes.
476
00:19:02,355 --> 00:19:05,399
Sheesh. I didn't realize you were going
to get your panties all in a pretzel.
477
00:19:05,483 --> 00:19:07,984
That's actually not technically
possible, I'm not wearing underwear.
478
00:19:08,068 --> 00:19:10,444
It is swampy in here!
And my butt's like the Everglades.
479
00:19:10,528 --> 00:19:13,321
Look, I know you're trying
to be legit in a hair bag world
480
00:19:13,405 --> 00:19:15,782
so I will not print your quotes.
481
00:19:15,866 --> 00:19:19,034
Oh. Thank you. Thank you.
That means the world to me.
482
00:19:19,118 --> 00:19:20,744
And for the record,
483
00:19:20,828 --> 00:19:23,580
I know that Holt is a stickler,
but he's actually a really good cop.
484
00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:25,456
Don't worry about it. We're friends.
485
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,667
You don't have to stick up for that homo.
486
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,919
I really wish you hadn't just said that.
487
00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:33,004
What, homo?
488
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,473
Thank you, Santiago. That'll be all.
489
00:19:41,095 --> 00:19:42,220
There she is.
490
00:19:44,013 --> 00:19:45,180
Diaz, you did it.
491
00:19:45,264 --> 00:19:46,973
They found him guilty on all charges.
492
00:19:47,057 --> 00:19:48,475
Huh. Boyle's advice worked.
493
00:19:48,934 --> 00:19:50,143
[GIGGLING]
494
00:19:50,977 --> 00:19:53,187
So, where's your happy place?
495
00:19:53,646 --> 00:19:56,023
I'm in a cabin, in the middle of nowhere.
496
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:59,818
Inside it's just me and that
stupid, slimy defense attorney.
497
00:20:00,485 --> 00:20:02,486
And I'm beating the hell out of him.
498
00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,904
I break a dining room
table over his head.
499
00:20:04,988 --> 00:20:06,280
Then I rip off his arm
500
00:20:06,364 --> 00:20:08,324
and shove it where the sun don't shine.
501
00:20:08,825 --> 00:20:12,327
Then I reach down his
throat and shake his hand.
502
00:20:16,414 --> 00:20:17,873
Yeah. Okay.
503
00:20:18,249 --> 00:20:20,999
I'm going to go ahead and
schedule you for a psych eval.
504
00:20:22,460 --> 00:20:25,087
I owe you one, Boyle.
Thank you dinner. Tomorrow night.
505
00:20:25,171 --> 00:20:27,339
Gribaldi's.
It's all-you-can-eat linguine.
506
00:20:28,674 --> 00:20:29,716
Yes!
507
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,175
Oh, my boyfriend's coming, too.
508
00:20:31,259 --> 00:20:32,802
Your what friend now?
509
00:20:33,636 --> 00:20:34,804
[PERALTA SIGHING]
510
00:20:36,179 --> 00:20:38,265
All right, let's hear it.
511
00:20:38,515 --> 00:20:40,475
Oh! It's even worse than I imagined.
512
00:20:41,267 --> 00:20:43,185
"The new face of the NYPD
513
00:20:43,269 --> 00:20:45,978
"is perfectly embodied by
Brooklyn's own Jake Peralta."
514
00:20:46,062 --> 00:20:47,063
That's not so bad.
515
00:20:47,147 --> 00:20:50,650
"Who cowers behind his desk all
day, like the true hair bag that he is."
516
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:51,733
There it is.
517
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:54,819
"The old guard would've eaten
a guy like Peralta for breakfast
518
00:20:54,903 --> 00:20:56,570
"and unloaded him by lunch."
519
00:20:56,654 --> 00:20:58,197
Well, that's very colorful.
520
00:20:58,489 --> 00:20:59,531
And hurtful.
521
00:20:59,615 --> 00:21:01,515
You can ignore that garbage, Santiago.
522
00:21:02,659 --> 00:21:04,285
Jimmy Brogan wouldn't know a legit cop
523
00:21:04,369 --> 00:21:06,078
if he punched him in the face.
524
00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:13,793
Well. Guess I'm done with this.
525
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:17,838
Not good enough.
526
00:21:18,630 --> 00:21:21,132
Three, two, one.
527
00:21:24,802 --> 00:21:26,928
Welcome to the party, pal.
528
00:21:28,221 --> 00:21:29,931
God, I love that movie.
529
00:21:30,015 --> 00:21:31,140
It's Die Hard.