1
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:04,739
OFFICERS: Whoa!
2
00:00:04,823 --> 00:00:05,948
SANTIAGO: Settle.
3
00:00:06,032 --> 00:00:07,617
Sorry, Sarge.
4
00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:10,494
Ugh, Halloween is the worst.
5
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,787
Everyone's drunk, wearing a mask,
6
00:00:12,871 --> 00:00:14,497
and carrying a fake gun.
7
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,665
Plus all the girls think
they have to dress sexy.
8
00:00:16,749 --> 00:00:19,335
I know, that is the worst.
Please make them stop.
9
00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,169
I passed a slutty tree on the way here.
10
00:00:21,253 --> 00:00:22,837
Who wants to have sex with a tree?
11
00:00:22,921 --> 00:00:24,881
Was it a maple? Was it a maple?
12
00:00:25,549 --> 00:00:27,549
Buongiorno! Buongiorno!
13
00:00:27,633 --> 00:00:29,677
Pretty cool 'stume, huh? 'Stume?
14
00:00:29,885 --> 00:00:31,637
Short for costume. Ah.
15
00:00:31,721 --> 00:00:34,305
All right, let me guess.
You are dumpy Chuck Norris.
16
00:00:34,389 --> 00:00:36,057
No, I'm… Dumpy Ron Weasley.
17
00:00:36,141 --> 00:00:37,892
-No.
-JEFFORDS: You guys, stop it.
18
00:00:38,226 --> 00:00:39,893
He put thought into his costume,
19
00:00:39,977 --> 00:00:42,354
and he is obviously Miranda
from Sex and the City.
20
00:00:42,438 --> 00:00:44,189
Guys, I'm Mario Batali!
21
00:00:44,356 --> 00:00:46,149
Motto Mario? Celebrity chef?
22
00:00:46,482 --> 00:00:48,317
Ginger Prince of Little Italy?
23
00:00:48,443 --> 00:00:50,110
Is he also a homeless troll doll?
24
00:00:50,194 --> 00:00:51,569
'Cause you look like
a homeless troll doll.
25
00:00:51,653 --> 00:00:53,446
Hey, sweet Batali costume, dude.
26
00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:54,572
Thank you!
27
00:00:54,656 --> 00:00:56,491
There's a man with impeccable taste.
28
00:00:56,575 --> 00:00:59,368
He bit a guy's butt off at a WNBA game.
29
00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:01,411
Eric Stoltz from Mask.
30
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:02,912
-I'll take it.
-PERALTA: Yeah.
31
00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:05,206
I hope you're all well rested.
32
00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:06,374
It's gonna be a busy night.
33
00:01:06,458 --> 00:01:08,167
The holding cell's completely full.
34
00:01:08,251 --> 00:01:11,151
I keep having to separate
Hillary Clinton and Kim Jong-Eun.
35
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:13,130
Stop it! Stop making out!
36
00:01:13,714 --> 00:01:15,923
Hey! No! What would Bill say?
37
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:19,134
We need two undercovers at
the DeKalb street warehouse party.
38
00:01:19,218 --> 00:01:22,136
Uh, Boyle, you're
already in costume as, uh…
39
00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,389
Joy Behar? I'm Mario Batali.
40
00:01:24,514 --> 00:01:27,641
Okay. And, uh, Santiago, you go with him.
41
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,894
Yes, sir. Damn it.
42
00:01:30,102 --> 00:01:32,895
Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween,
43
00:01:32,979 --> 00:01:35,356
but stick with me, and I
promise you, you will love it.
44
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,234
Can you magically make everyone
kind, sober, and fully dressed?
45
00:01:38,318 --> 00:01:39,859
"Kind, sober, and fully dressed."
46
00:01:39,943 --> 00:01:42,993
Good news, everyone, we found
the name of Santiago's sex tape.
47
00:01:43,572 --> 00:01:44,989
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
48
00:02:04,964 --> 00:02:07,133
Well, ring it up, nerds.
49
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:10,511
I just arrested my first
Halloween idiot of the season.
50
00:02:11,094 --> 00:02:14,513
He was trying to rob a bank, but
had a little trouble with the getaway.
51
00:02:14,597 --> 00:02:16,349
PERALTA: Trying to split, huh?
52
00:02:16,474 --> 00:02:19,227
Don't worry, I'm sure
you'll get out on "a peel."
53
00:02:19,894 --> 00:02:22,145
I'm so glad you're stuck.
I've got a million of these.
54
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,179
No, no, don't touch the money! [GROANS]
55
00:02:24,481 --> 00:02:26,023
I swear, these perps are so stupid.
56
00:02:26,107 --> 00:02:27,482
I'd make a better
criminal than any of them.
57
00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:29,443
Yeah, you would.
You'd be an evil mastermind,
58
00:02:29,527 --> 00:02:31,319
and everyone would call
you the Handsome Bandit.
59
00:02:31,403 --> 00:02:33,279
Thank you, Charles. And the best part is,
60
00:02:33,363 --> 00:02:34,905
none of you could catch me.
61
00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,157
Oh, come on.
62
00:02:36,241 --> 00:02:37,533
I'm fairly certain you would be caught.
63
00:02:37,617 --> 00:02:41,203
No, scratch that.
I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.
64
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,746
[CHUCKLES]
65
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,329
All right, challenge accepted.
66
00:02:44,413 --> 00:02:45,456
I didn't issue a challenge.
67
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:46,540
Fine. I'll issue it for you.
68
00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,834
What's the most valuable
thing in your office?
69
00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,252
My medal of valor.
70
00:02:50,544 --> 00:02:52,170
God, you are such a hero.
71
00:02:52,254 --> 00:02:55,506
All right, how about this?
I will bet you that by midnight tonight,
72
00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,632
I can steal the medal
of valor from your office.
73
00:02:57,716 --> 00:02:58,967
Why would I possibly agree to that?
74
00:02:59,051 --> 00:03:01,303
Because if I lose, I'll work
the next five weekends.
75
00:03:01,387 --> 00:03:02,470
No overtime.
76
00:03:02,554 --> 00:03:03,929
And I won't tell anyone here about
77
00:03:04,013 --> 00:03:06,182
the time I saw you wearing
short shorts outside of work.
78
00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:07,475
But if I win… You won't.
79
00:03:07,559 --> 00:03:09,058
…you have to do all of
my paperwork tonight,
80
00:03:09,142 --> 00:03:12,354
the busiest and
spookiest night of the year.
81
00:03:12,604 --> 00:03:14,813
And you have to publicly state
82
00:03:14,897 --> 00:03:17,524
that I'm an amazing detective/genius.
83
00:03:17,608 --> 00:03:18,776
Oh, yeah!
84
00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:21,110
And this won't interfere
with you doing your job?
85
00:03:21,194 --> 00:03:24,865
You mean my job as an
amazing Detective/genius?
86
00:03:25,448 --> 00:03:27,449
No, it will not.
I'll do all of my work, guaranteed.
87
00:03:27,533 --> 00:03:28,950
I'm considering it.
88
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,160
I'm interested.
89
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,369
I agree to participate.
90
00:03:31,453 --> 00:03:32,495
All right. [LAUGHS] Oh!
91
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,497
There's the robot I fell in love with.
92
00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:36,916
DIAZ: Hey.
93
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,709
Sister Steve here got mugged.
94
00:03:38,876 --> 00:03:42,128
Some guy dressed as a royal baby
punched him and took his wallet.
95
00:03:42,212 --> 00:03:43,587
She keeps laughing at me.
96
00:03:43,671 --> 00:03:46,465
Can't tell you how many nuns I
wanted to beat up in Catholic school.
97
00:03:46,549 --> 00:03:47,633
Ten.
98
00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:48,967
I didn't know you
went to Catholic school.
99
00:03:49,051 --> 00:03:50,218
Good. You shouldn't know it.
100
00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:53,930
I get it. You're so mysterious and tough.
101
00:03:54,014 --> 00:03:55,431
But you know what I think?
102
00:03:55,515 --> 00:03:56,932
You're actually a big softie.
103
00:03:57,016 --> 00:03:58,433
No, I think she's really mean.
104
00:03:58,517 --> 00:04:00,227
You probably read a Maya Angelou poem
105
00:04:00,311 --> 00:04:01,811
at your graduation and cried.
106
00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:03,521
Didn't graduate. Had to leave.
107
00:04:03,605 --> 00:04:04,814
Why? What'd you do?
108
00:04:04,898 --> 00:04:06,608
Here's a hint.
109
00:04:06,733 --> 00:04:08,025
I'm not gonna tell you.
110
00:04:09,359 --> 00:04:10,902
Oh, I'm gonna find out anyway.
111
00:04:10,986 --> 00:04:13,196
[SCOFFS] I'm a detective.
112
00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:15,031
I will detect!
113
00:04:15,948 --> 00:04:17,115
Hey.
114
00:04:17,199 --> 00:04:19,199
Got an arrest file here for the captain.
115
00:04:19,285 --> 00:04:20,535
Drunk and disorderly.
116
00:04:20,619 --> 00:04:22,370
So, anyways…
117
00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:23,830
Gina!
118
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,290
We never talk anymore.
119
00:04:25,414 --> 00:04:26,915
How's the dance troupe?
Did you get a haircut?
120
00:04:26,999 --> 00:04:28,458
What's the captain's schedule like today?
121
00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:30,210
I'm not gonna help you rob him, Jake.
122
00:04:30,294 --> 00:04:33,420
I'm his assistant, and I take
that job incredibly seriously.
123
00:04:33,504 --> 00:04:36,465
You're literally making paper
airplanes out of police reports right now.
124
00:04:36,549 --> 00:04:38,842
Well, how am I supposed to
get it into that garbage can?
125
00:04:38,926 --> 00:04:40,635
Come on. Fine.
126
00:04:40,719 --> 00:04:43,138
Captain's got a meeting
downstairs in ten minutes.
127
00:04:43,429 --> 00:04:44,972
You're the best. Muah!
128
00:04:46,223 --> 00:04:48,016
What does your skin taste like?
Dina Lohan.
129
00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,684
I'm wearing her face lotion.
130
00:04:49,935 --> 00:04:51,019
That's it.
131
00:04:51,519 --> 00:04:53,146
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
132
00:04:53,521 --> 00:04:55,272
Okay, party's around the corner.
133
00:04:55,356 --> 00:04:57,858
Tipster said there'll be a
huge amount of drug activity.
134
00:04:57,942 --> 00:05:00,193
Why is this costume so stiff?
135
00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:01,819
And what is that smell?
136
00:05:01,903 --> 00:05:03,946
The department never washes
them, so it's probably vomit.
137
00:05:04,030 --> 00:05:05,198
Hey!
138
00:05:05,698 --> 00:05:07,199
I got you a chocolate.
139
00:05:07,324 --> 00:05:09,951
Yet another great thing
about Halloween, chocolate!
140
00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:11,953
Thanks. Oh, look.
141
00:05:12,037 --> 00:05:14,288
Raggedy Ann is drinking
vodka right from the bottle.
142
00:05:14,372 --> 00:05:16,039
People think if they put on a costume,
143
00:05:16,123 --> 00:05:18,709
they can just get away
with anything they want.
144
00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:20,919
Halloween is Christmas for jerks.
145
00:05:21,211 --> 00:05:23,254
Come on, ma'am. No open containers.
146
00:05:23,505 --> 00:05:26,423
Oh, and why should I
listen to you, bone person?
147
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:30,094
It's called skeleton.
It's a very common word.
148
00:05:30,386 --> 00:05:32,053
Just put the vodka away. Ah…
149
00:05:32,178 --> 00:05:34,138
You guys are cops? These guys are cops!
150
00:05:34,222 --> 00:05:36,182
-[ALL BOOING]
-MAN: Throw an egg at them!
151
00:05:39,142 --> 00:05:40,519
[GENTLE THUDDING]
152
00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:45,523
Are you in my ceiling, Peralta?
153
00:05:45,856 --> 00:05:47,191
PERALTA: No.
154
00:05:47,358 --> 00:05:48,693
So what's the plan?
155
00:05:48,984 --> 00:05:50,276
You wait for me to leave my office,
156
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,528
lower yourself down, take
my medal, and win the bet?
157
00:05:52,612 --> 00:05:54,946
PERALTA: Who are you talking to?
There's no one up here.
158
00:05:55,030 --> 00:05:56,740
Peralta, just so you know,
159
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:59,409
right now, I am taking
my medal off the wall
160
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,411
and placing it in a locked safe,
161
00:06:01,536 --> 00:06:04,121
whose combination is known only to me.
162
00:06:04,205 --> 00:06:05,623
The safe, in turn,
163
00:06:05,707 --> 00:06:07,165
is locked in the cabinet.
164
00:06:07,249 --> 00:06:10,002
The only key to that
cabinet is on my person.
165
00:06:11,712 --> 00:06:14,254
I'm off to my meeting.
Good luck with your plan.
166
00:06:14,338 --> 00:06:15,964
PERALTA: You think that scares me?
167
00:06:16,048 --> 00:06:18,175
I laugh in the face of adversity!
168
00:06:19,843 --> 00:06:20,927
Are you still there?
169
00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:22,762
Captain, are you still there?
I can't hear…
170
00:06:22,846 --> 00:06:24,180
[SCREAMS]
171
00:06:25,764 --> 00:06:27,016
Ow.
172
00:06:29,852 --> 00:06:30,935
Here you go.
173
00:06:31,019 --> 00:06:32,437
Don't touch the butter.
174
00:06:33,604 --> 00:06:36,273
What happened? I thought you guys were
supposed to be at the warehouse party.
175
00:06:36,357 --> 00:06:37,690
We got egged.
176
00:06:37,774 --> 00:06:39,651
Some of the shell got in my contacts
177
00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:42,195
and my hair and my mouth and my bra.
178
00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:43,403
I can't tell if that's hot or not.
179
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,572
Not hot. Eggshell in my bra is not hot.
180
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,115
Well, it's kinda hot.
181
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,659
Boobs go in a bra. Up top.
182
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,245
Whoo! My man.
183
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,579
Well, it sounds like
costume duty is going great.
184
00:06:54,663 --> 00:06:56,539
So great. We're having the best time.
185
00:06:56,623 --> 00:06:57,832
Right, Amy? I wish I was dead.
186
00:06:57,916 --> 00:06:58,917
Hmm.
187
00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,292
How's the unwinnable bet going?
188
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:02,169
Well, on the one hand,
I fell through the ceiling
189
00:07:02,253 --> 00:07:03,879
and onto a pencil, but on the other hand,
190
00:07:03,963 --> 00:07:05,589
I also badly bruised my brain.
191
00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:06,881
If you wanted to make a bet with Holt,
192
00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:08,257
you should have made a bet you could win.
193
00:07:08,341 --> 00:07:09,801
Like who wears more denim jackets.
194
00:07:09,885 --> 00:07:11,470
That was one time.
195
00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:13,186
You guys never forget anything.
196
00:07:13,471 --> 00:07:14,680
You know, frankly, I'm a little surprised
197
00:07:14,764 --> 00:07:15,931
you don't think I can win this thing.
198
00:07:16,015 --> 00:07:17,808
You're always telling
me how I'm the best.
199
00:07:17,892 --> 00:07:18,992
You're the best, Jake.
200
00:07:19,517 --> 00:07:21,143
Paperwork delivery.
201
00:07:21,227 --> 00:07:22,479
You're the best, Jake.
202
00:07:23,146 --> 00:07:24,980
BOYLE: Jake, you're the best.
203
00:07:25,064 --> 00:07:26,440
Thank you, Charles.
204
00:07:26,815 --> 00:07:28,317
Yeah, maybe it's just Charles.
205
00:07:28,484 --> 00:07:29,651
JEFFORDS: Look, Jake,
206
00:07:29,735 --> 00:07:31,652
I love you like you're one
of my daughters. Really?
207
00:07:31,736 --> 00:07:34,196
But it's not about you
or how smart you are.
208
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,490
It's about Captain Holt.
209
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,990
The man's a genius.
210
00:07:37,074 --> 00:07:38,324
He's had your number at every turn.
211
00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:42,495
Well, not this day… Turn… Time.
212
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:45,414
Sorry, I'm pretty sure I had
a concussion back there.
213
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:46,707
Here I come. All right.
214
00:07:46,832 --> 00:07:48,625
Oh, strong.
215
00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:54,087
DIAZ: Okay, here's the first
set of royal babies I rounded up.
216
00:07:54,171 --> 00:07:55,339
Popular costume.
217
00:07:55,464 --> 00:07:56,673
Any of these guys look familiar?
218
00:07:56,757 --> 00:07:59,925
Maybe the third guy.
The baby who mugged me was pretty short.
219
00:08:00,009 --> 00:08:01,176
[DIAZ LAUGHS]
220
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:02,469
You're not supposed to laugh at me.
221
00:08:02,553 --> 00:08:05,055
Number three, step forward and say,
222
00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:07,265
"Give me your money,
you stupid bag of crap."
223
00:08:07,349 --> 00:08:09,518
Gimme your money, you stupid bag of crap.
224
00:08:09,643 --> 00:08:10,977
No, wrong giant baby.
225
00:08:11,103 --> 00:08:14,229
I still want to know why you
got kicked out of Catholic school.
226
00:08:14,313 --> 00:08:15,523
Were you doing drugs?
227
00:08:15,648 --> 00:08:16,815
Worse.
228
00:08:16,899 --> 00:08:18,232
Selling drugs?
229
00:08:18,316 --> 00:08:19,400
Worse.
230
00:08:19,484 --> 00:08:20,985
How bad could it have been?
231
00:08:21,903 --> 00:08:23,253
Did you burn down a church?
232
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:28,450
Number three, step forward
and say the word "worse."
233
00:08:29,118 --> 00:08:30,326
Worse.
234
00:08:31,994 --> 00:08:34,079
Excuse me, Gina.
I can't find Peralta anywhere,
235
00:08:34,163 --> 00:08:36,122
and you're the only one who
can decipher his handwriting.
236
00:08:36,206 --> 00:08:38,792
He arrested that bunny,
but I don't know what for.
237
00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:42,044
He's either a crispy mother werewolf,
238
00:08:42,128 --> 00:08:44,546
or cowboy mustard, Oslo, Norway.
239
00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:45,964
Hmm.
240
00:08:46,048 --> 00:08:48,925
The bunny groped multiple
women on the subway.
241
00:08:49,509 --> 00:08:51,659
Being able to read
Jake's writing is a gift.
242
00:08:52,095 --> 00:08:53,720
A useless, useless gift.
243
00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:56,515
Excuse me one second.
244
00:08:58,475 --> 00:08:59,892
Nice costume, Peralta.
245
00:09:00,852 --> 00:09:02,061
No Peralta here.
246
00:09:02,145 --> 00:09:05,314
Just a normal janitor
pushing trash around.
247
00:09:05,398 --> 00:09:06,815
HOLT: Come out of there.
248
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:10,234
Captain, hey.
249
00:09:10,318 --> 00:09:11,735
You really thought this was gonna work?
250
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:12,987
Uh, it did work.
251
00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:16,448
This whole janitor gambit
was designed to fail.
252
00:09:16,532 --> 00:09:17,740
It's just like in chess.
253
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,618
Sometimes in order to win,
you have to sacrifice your king.
254
00:09:20,702 --> 00:09:22,536
That's exactly how you lose in chess.
255
00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,037
Have you ever played the game? Yeah.
256
00:09:24,121 --> 00:09:25,580
I used to play with my
Uncle Bob all the time,
257
00:09:25,664 --> 00:09:26,664
and he said I was great.
258
00:09:26,748 --> 00:09:28,917
This is a game of concentration, Jake.
259
00:09:29,084 --> 00:09:31,669
So focus your mind, and start shooting.
260
00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:37,632
Now you're a master of chess, huh?
261
00:09:37,883 --> 00:09:39,884
He taught me how to
shoot backgammon, too.
262
00:09:39,968 --> 00:09:41,052
I expected better of you.
263
00:09:41,136 --> 00:09:42,552
You could have at
least created a diversion
264
00:09:42,636 --> 00:09:44,387
to distract me from
your terrible costume.
265
00:09:44,471 --> 00:09:46,014
Uh, I'm not a dumb butt.
266
00:09:46,098 --> 00:09:47,431
I had a diversion planned.
267
00:09:47,515 --> 00:09:49,434
There was just a slight timing issue.
268
00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:51,727
Oh, my God!
269
00:09:51,811 --> 00:09:54,020
Get down, everyone! There's a big fire!
270
00:09:54,104 --> 00:09:55,688
Captain, you better
head over there for, like,
271
00:09:55,772 --> 00:09:58,024
15 minutes and see
what's going on with that.
272
00:09:58,108 --> 00:10:00,508
Beware of the back draft.
I'll be in your office.
273
00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:04,979
You have beautiful eyes.
274
00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:08,116
Have it your way.
But you're gonna need this.
275
00:10:08,783 --> 00:10:10,202
And that.
276
00:10:11,118 --> 00:10:12,328
It's filthy in there.
277
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:17,540
[LOUD ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]
278
00:10:19,459 --> 00:10:21,001
Come on, Amy! Loosen up!
279
00:10:21,085 --> 00:10:22,337
You look like such a cop!
280
00:10:22,462 --> 00:10:24,922
Come on, have some fun, you know?
281
00:10:25,339 --> 00:10:27,216
It'll help you blend in!
282
00:10:27,382 --> 00:10:28,592
Whoo!
283
00:10:29,383 --> 00:10:31,135
Stop trying to get me to love Halloween.
284
00:10:31,219 --> 00:10:32,803
It'll never work.
285
00:10:32,887 --> 00:10:34,012
I'm backing it up.
286
00:10:34,096 --> 00:10:35,196
Oh, God, please don't.
287
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,141
Hey, heads up.
288
00:10:38,642 --> 00:10:40,725
BOYLE: I'll cut them off at the exit.
Okay.
289
00:10:40,809 --> 00:10:42,559
Move, move, move! Move! Move, move!
290
00:10:43,354 --> 00:10:45,147
SANTIAGO: He ditched the drugs.
I'm on it.
291
00:10:45,231 --> 00:10:46,649
[GRUNTS]
292
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:49,776
Ugh, everything is sticking to me.
293
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:51,152
Ooh.
294
00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:54,237
Okay. Ugh. Yes.
295
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,822
MAN: Hey, watch out, man.
296
00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:56,990
Ah! What is that?
297
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,866
How is it hot and cold?
298
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,455
So the soonest you can
fix the ceiling is Monday?
299
00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:12,836
I'm gonna have to call you back.
300
00:11:14,004 --> 00:11:15,338
Wait, stop scratching me.
301
00:11:15,422 --> 00:11:16,505
We're supposed to be a team.
302
00:11:16,589 --> 00:11:18,174
[CLEARS THROAT]
303
00:11:18,466 --> 00:11:19,801
Captain, hi.
304
00:11:19,926 --> 00:11:21,886
I was just photocopying some stuff.
305
00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:24,137
Are you trying to jam pigeons
into my air-conditioning vent
306
00:11:24,221 --> 00:11:25,388
to flush me out of my office?
307
00:11:25,472 --> 00:11:27,098
Way to ruin the surprise.
308
00:11:27,182 --> 00:11:28,224
How did you get those birds?
309
00:11:28,308 --> 00:11:29,658
By using my big, fat brain.
310
00:11:30,101 --> 00:11:31,351
Get in the bag, you damn bird.
311
00:11:31,435 --> 00:11:32,895
Eat the bread. Eat the bread!
312
00:11:32,979 --> 00:11:34,313
I gotcha! I gotcha!
313
00:11:34,479 --> 00:11:37,274
All part of my elaborate
plan to defeat you.
314
00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:41,110
So far, you and your big,
fat brain are losing badly.
315
00:11:41,402 --> 00:11:43,952
Maybe, if we're talking
about who's winning our bet.
316
00:11:44,113 --> 00:11:46,363
But if we're talking about
who's holding more birds,
317
00:11:46,447 --> 00:11:48,157
I'm winning, four-nothing.
318
00:11:48,616 --> 00:11:50,118
You're only holding two.
319
00:11:51,286 --> 00:11:54,538
Ugh. [CLEARS THROAT]
320
00:11:57,165 --> 00:11:58,540
Ooh, when you were logging in the drugs,
321
00:11:58,624 --> 00:11:59,833
you missed some awesome stuff.
322
00:11:59,917 --> 00:12:04,170
A guy walked by in full astronaut
costume, gave me a high five.
323
00:12:04,254 --> 00:12:05,755
He high-fived me, too.
324
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,340
Wait. Hitchcock?
325
00:12:07,424 --> 00:12:08,424
Darn it.
326
00:12:08,508 --> 00:12:11,468
I wasn't supposed to talk, but I
got so excited about that astronaut.
327
00:12:11,552 --> 00:12:12,677
What is happening?
328
00:12:12,761 --> 00:12:15,555
Amy paid me 50 bucks to trade
places with her for the rest of the night.
329
00:12:15,639 --> 00:12:17,139
Really? Yeah.
330
00:12:17,223 --> 00:12:19,392
I'm gonna use that
money to buy two suits.
331
00:12:21,978 --> 00:12:24,562
Well, I was gonna ask
you to tell the captain
332
00:12:24,646 --> 00:12:26,689
that I brought in royal babies for Diaz,
333
00:12:26,773 --> 00:12:29,608
but I'm sure he already knows, since
he's always one step ahead of me.
334
00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:32,277
GINA: Aw. Why so down, little clown?
335
00:12:32,361 --> 00:12:34,487
PERALTA: I'm just sick of losing to Holt.
I want that medal.
336
00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:35,780
It's not real gold.
337
00:12:35,864 --> 00:12:38,325
I tried selling it online. Zero bids.
338
00:12:38,533 --> 00:12:40,575
But here's some
advice I gave to the girls
339
00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:43,119
in my dance troupe at the
Dance Till You Drop Tournament.
340
00:12:43,203 --> 00:12:46,039
That advice was, dance. Dance!
341
00:12:46,664 --> 00:12:48,123
Dance.
342
00:12:48,207 --> 00:12:50,334
Yeah, I'm not really sure
that applies here, Gina.
343
00:12:50,418 --> 00:12:53,045
It does apply. It means don't give up.
344
00:12:53,211 --> 00:12:55,463
We would've won if
Natasha's water hadn't broken.
345
00:12:55,547 --> 00:12:56,714
Oh, Natasha had her baby?
346
00:12:56,798 --> 00:12:57,923
You know Natasha?
347
00:12:58,007 --> 00:12:59,091
Yeah. Yeah.
348
00:12:59,175 --> 00:13:00,968
Her dog has lupus. Her dog has lupus.
349
00:13:01,052 --> 00:13:02,469
That's a trip. Small world.
350
00:13:02,553 --> 00:13:03,679
Yes.
351
00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:05,555
All right, I'm gonna go cry.
352
00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:10,476
I kind of feel bad for him.
353
00:13:10,601 --> 00:13:13,353
HOLT [ON PHONE]: Don't.
He brought this on himself.
354
00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:14,730
You can hang up now.
355
00:13:17,732 --> 00:13:19,775
You paid money to get
out of working with me?
356
00:13:19,859 --> 00:13:22,318
Charles, I had to.
Tonight has been awful.
357
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,614
Halloween is the worst, and I
don't understand why you like it.
358
00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,490
No, all the things that you think are bad
359
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,449
about Halloween are what make it great.
360
00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:30,910
The big kids egg you.
361
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:34,037
Then you and your
friends run away together.
362
00:13:34,371 --> 00:13:37,624
Friendships are forged in the
crucible of Halloween adversity.
363
00:13:38,458 --> 00:13:39,875
That's all I wanted for us.
364
00:13:41,335 --> 00:13:43,712
You can keep the wig.
I don't need it anymore.
365
00:13:46,047 --> 00:13:47,715
I don't really need it either.
366
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:50,718
PERALTA: Hey, Captain Holt,
367
00:13:50,802 --> 00:13:52,677
can you come out here for one sec?
368
00:13:54,221 --> 00:13:55,222
[SIGHS]
369
00:14:00,935 --> 00:14:02,144
You need something, Peralta?
370
00:14:02,228 --> 00:14:03,395
Yes, I do.
371
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,230
Hit it, royal babies.
372
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,400
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
373
00:14:16,781 --> 00:14:17,781
What? No!
374
00:14:17,865 --> 00:14:19,158
Give me my keys.
375
00:14:19,242 --> 00:14:20,659
Will you stop catching me?
376
00:14:20,743 --> 00:14:23,077
Do you have any idea how
much I spent on key chains?
377
00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:24,287
$23.
378
00:14:24,371 --> 00:14:26,122
Wow, that is unbelievably close.
379
00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:27,623
$22.76.
380
00:14:27,915 --> 00:14:29,833
Keys. Okay, look.
381
00:14:29,917 --> 00:14:31,626
Tonight has been a little humiliating.
382
00:14:31,710 --> 00:14:34,587
Things are not going well, so
I'm gonna just throw this out there.
383
00:14:34,671 --> 00:14:36,005
What do you say we call off the bet
384
00:14:36,089 --> 00:14:37,381
and pretend this whole
thing never happened?
385
00:14:37,465 --> 00:14:38,632
Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook.
386
00:14:38,716 --> 00:14:40,133
What? No. [SCOFFS]
387
00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:43,220
I meant to give you an
out, so you could save face.
388
00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:45,512
This is getting sad.
389
00:14:45,596 --> 00:14:47,014
Yeah, for you.
390
00:14:48,391 --> 00:14:49,725
JEFFORDS: [CLEARS THROAT] So.
391
00:14:50,101 --> 00:14:51,977
I called your school.
392
00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:56,731
And I managed to get a
hold of one Sister Bernadette.
393
00:14:56,815 --> 00:14:59,107
I remember that old bag.
She was my favorite.
394
00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:00,901
Well, guess what she said.
395
00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:03,027
Apparently, you were a model student
396
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,029
and transferred of your own volition.
397
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,533
Fine.
398
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:10,825
The reason I left Catholic school
399
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:13,412
was because I got into the
American Ballet Academy.
400
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,704
I was a classical dancer.
401
00:15:15,788 --> 00:15:16,955
And I was good.
402
00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:18,123
I knew it!
403
00:15:18,207 --> 00:15:19,959
I knew you were a big softie.
404
00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:22,419
You tell anyone, I break your face.
405
00:15:25,547 --> 00:15:27,673
No, you won't. You're too sensitive.
406
00:15:29,258 --> 00:15:30,342
[CHUCKLING]
407
00:15:31,802 --> 00:15:33,219
Captain, sorry to interrupt.
408
00:15:33,303 --> 00:15:35,221
Some officers just arrested Peralta.
409
00:15:35,305 --> 00:15:36,639
What? They caught him scaling
410
00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:38,849
the side of the building
with a blowtorch.
411
00:15:39,057 --> 00:15:40,058
[SIGHS]
412
00:15:42,728 --> 00:15:43,854
Captain.
413
00:15:44,271 --> 00:15:45,855
Welcome to the end game.
414
00:15:46,439 --> 00:15:49,441
Would you care to shake the
hand of the man who defeated you?
415
00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:51,775
Forgot I was wearing handcuffs.
Oh, that hurt.
416
00:15:52,611 --> 00:15:54,863
Whoo! [LAUGHING]
417
00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:00,784
Climbing the side of the building with
a blowtorch. What were you thinking?
418
00:16:00,868 --> 00:16:02,618
I was thinking I had
better core strength.
419
00:16:02,702 --> 00:16:04,245
I got winded, like, 10 feet up.
420
00:16:04,329 --> 00:16:05,621
I knew you wouldn't win the bet,
421
00:16:05,705 --> 00:16:07,373
but your performance
tonight has made me question
422
00:16:07,457 --> 00:16:08,873
not only how good a detective you are,
423
00:16:08,957 --> 00:16:11,292
but, quite frankly, how smart you are.
424
00:16:11,376 --> 00:16:14,129
Well, that's not surprising.
You constantly underestimate me.
425
00:16:14,213 --> 00:16:17,214
No, you've been correctly estimated.
426
00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,633
You have five minutes
until your deadline,
427
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,594
and here you are, handcuffed
to a table, in a locked room.
428
00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:25,805
Which is precisely
where I planned on being.
429
00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:28,807
Captain, let me tell you a little story.
430
00:16:28,891 --> 00:16:30,392
You remember when I
fell through your ceiling?
431
00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:31,768
Yes, that was six hours ago.
432
00:16:31,852 --> 00:16:34,478
It was, I admit, a disastrous failure.
433
00:16:34,562 --> 00:16:36,856
But it gave me the idea for Herman,
434
00:16:36,940 --> 00:16:38,390
the friendly janitor you met.
435
00:16:38,482 --> 00:16:41,109
With Herman, I commenced
the perfect crime.
436
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,278
I caught you as Herman.
437
00:16:43,862 --> 00:16:45,279
But you didn't catch Rosa.
438
00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,230
HOLT: Come out of there.
439
00:16:47,949 --> 00:16:51,535
PERALTA: As it turns out, our
friend, Rosa, is great at picking locks.
440
00:16:53,578 --> 00:16:54,662
Does not surprise me.
441
00:16:54,746 --> 00:16:55,872
No, me neither.
442
00:16:55,956 --> 00:16:57,956
Of course, I had to find a
way to get her out of your office
443
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,291
without you seeing her.
444
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,209
So I created a diversion.
445
00:17:01,293 --> 00:17:03,335
Not mistimed, perfectly timed,
446
00:17:03,419 --> 00:17:05,171
so she could escape unseen.
447
00:17:06,172 --> 00:17:07,256
What about the pigeons?
448
00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:08,506
Oh, the gray pigeons?
449
00:17:08,590 --> 00:17:10,258
They were a red herring. Thank you.
450
00:17:10,342 --> 00:17:12,260
Their only purpose was to
draw you into the copy room
451
00:17:12,344 --> 00:17:14,845
while two members of my team
broke into your locked office.
452
00:17:14,929 --> 00:17:18,975
So now, I had a way into
your office and an open cabinet.
453
00:17:20,392 --> 00:17:23,436
All that was left was for the
royal babies to steal your keys.
454
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,438
Yes, but you didn't need the keys.
455
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,063
The cabinet was already unlocked.
456
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,607
You needed a way into the safe.
457
00:17:28,691 --> 00:17:29,900
And I got it.
458
00:17:30,025 --> 00:17:31,942
You were so concerned
with getting your keys back,
459
00:17:32,026 --> 00:17:34,570
you didn't even notice the
Sergeant steal your phone.
460
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,114
That's right, even the
Sergeant is on my side.
461
00:17:37,198 --> 00:17:39,449
I then had Charles dust
your screen cover for prints.
462
00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:42,827
The greasiest smudges revealed
the four numbers you use the most.
463
00:17:42,911 --> 00:17:44,829
The four numbers in your pass code.
464
00:17:44,954 --> 00:17:46,330
Based on your advanced age,
465
00:17:46,455 --> 00:17:48,916
I assumed that you use the
same pass code for everything.
466
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,418
Your phone, your email,
and, of course, your safe.
467
00:17:52,502 --> 00:17:54,504
That would be a fair assumption.
468
00:17:54,588 --> 00:17:56,213
It was at that point
that I bumped into a girl
469
00:17:56,297 --> 00:17:59,300
dressed as a sexy robot,
and we got our flirt on… Hard.
470
00:18:02,719 --> 00:18:05,847
'Sup? Jake Peralta.
471
00:18:07,973 --> 00:18:09,307
And how was flirting part of the plan?
472
00:18:09,391 --> 00:18:11,226
Oh, it wasn't. It just ruled.
473
00:18:11,393 --> 00:18:12,936
And that brings us to five minutes ago,
474
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:15,812
when Amy came to your office
and told you that I had been arrested.
475
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:17,231
I knew she's the only
one you would believe,
476
00:18:17,315 --> 00:18:19,191
because, frankly, she's usually too lame
477
00:18:19,275 --> 00:18:20,816
to take part in these kinds of things.
478
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,527
And as you walked over here,
479
00:18:22,611 --> 00:18:26,154
Charles awkwardly stuffed himself
through your window and opened your safe.
480
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:28,114
We had the four numbers
of your code, which meant
481
00:18:28,198 --> 00:18:30,700
there were 24 possible
combinations for Charles to try.
482
00:18:30,784 --> 00:18:32,076
That could take up to four minutes,
483
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,453
which is why I really
dragged out this explanation.
484
00:18:34,537 --> 00:18:36,705
I mean, really stretched it.
I don't know if you noticed,
485
00:18:36,789 --> 00:18:38,289
but there were times where I was like,
486
00:18:38,373 --> 00:18:40,500
what am I even talking about?
This isn't… Oh.
487
00:18:40,584 --> 00:18:42,002
[WATCH BEEPS]
488
00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:44,462
But now, four minutes is up.
489
00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:48,173
Which means Boyle is either on the other
side of that door holding your medal,
490
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,799
or I've lost.
491
00:18:51,843 --> 00:18:53,886
Well, Captain, it seems that Jake
492
00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:56,680
isn't the only person you underestimate
493
00:18:57,348 --> 00:19:00,893
20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain.
494
00:19:01,893 --> 00:19:02,977
Check me.
495
00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:04,144
I think you mean "checkmate."
496
00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,328
You really need to
learn how to play chess.
497
00:19:06,481 --> 00:19:07,772
How did you get everyone to help you?
498
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,191
I appealed to their sense of
teamwork and camaraderie
499
00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,610
with a rousing speech that
would put Shakespeare to shame.
500
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:13,902
[SCOTTISH ACCENT] For too long,
501
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,656
we've been put down, ridiculed,
502
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,448
made to wear ties!
503
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:19,699
But no more!
504
00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:22,702
For today, we defeat him!
505
00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:25,537
And that worked? No. Oh, no. Not at all.
506
00:19:25,871 --> 00:19:27,747
My speech did not inspire them.
507
00:19:27,831 --> 00:19:28,873
Come on.
508
00:19:28,957 --> 00:19:30,000
So I bribed them.
509
00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:31,625
I told them that if we pulled this off,
510
00:19:31,709 --> 00:19:33,085
I would do all of their paperwork.
511
00:19:33,169 --> 00:19:35,338
And since you're doing all my paperwork…
512
00:19:35,546 --> 00:19:37,339
I'm impressed, Peralta.
513
00:19:37,839 --> 00:19:39,132
Well done.
514
00:19:39,216 --> 00:19:40,676
Thank you, sir.
515
00:19:40,926 --> 00:19:43,510
In fact, the thing that
you failed to see, Captain,
516
00:19:43,594 --> 00:19:44,928
teamwork, is exactly… Captain?
517
00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:47,014
…what provided our success. Sir?
518
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,140
He's not coming back.
519
00:19:51,017 --> 00:19:53,728
JEFFORDS: Boyle, I need
you in the briefing room.
520
00:19:58,148 --> 00:20:00,109
What is all this?
521
00:20:00,442 --> 00:20:02,026
You know how I think
Halloween is for jerks?
522
00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:04,696
Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk.
523
00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:06,489
I'm sorry about tonight.
524
00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:08,072
"I'm sorry about tonight."
525
00:20:08,156 --> 00:20:10,756
We found the title for
Santiago's follow-up sex tape.
526
00:20:11,535 --> 00:20:13,660
I'm sorry I couldn't convince
you to love Halloween.
527
00:20:13,744 --> 00:20:15,829
It's not your fault. I was terrible.
528
00:20:15,913 --> 00:20:18,290
"It's not your fault I was terrible"
is also one of your sex tapes.
529
00:20:18,374 --> 00:20:19,457
Ow.
530
00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:21,835
Halloween is unbearable.
531
00:20:22,293 --> 00:20:25,212
But it was slightly less
unbearable with you.
532
00:20:25,421 --> 00:20:26,672
Don't. Okay.
533
00:20:27,172 --> 00:20:30,716
Anyway. We're all going
to the bar, so get changed,
534
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,426
'cause you can't be the only one there
535
00:20:32,510 --> 00:20:34,386
not wearing a 'stume.
536
00:20:34,470 --> 00:20:36,305
'Stume! Oh, my God. It caught on.
537
00:20:36,389 --> 00:20:38,098
ALL: No.
538
00:20:39,683 --> 00:20:42,977
Ah, Captain Holt.
It is so nice to see you.
539
00:20:43,144 --> 00:20:44,561
Never thought I'd say that. Hmm.
540
00:20:44,645 --> 00:20:46,730
A poor winner. I never would've guessed.
541
00:20:46,814 --> 00:20:47,898
Yeah, you would've.
542
00:20:47,982 --> 00:20:49,690
Way to go all out on
your costume, by the way.
543
00:20:49,774 --> 00:20:53,024
I believe you have an announcement
to make, so the floor is yours.
544
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,280
[SIGHS] Attention, everyone.
545
00:20:57,197 --> 00:21:01,325
Jake Peralta is an
amazing detective/genius.
546
00:21:02,618 --> 00:21:05,580
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have some paperwork to do.
547
00:21:07,998 --> 00:21:09,207
All right.
548
00:21:09,416 --> 00:21:11,584
Officer in the 92nd got
the royal baby mugger.
549
00:21:11,668 --> 00:21:13,586
He had 19 wallets in his diaper.
550
00:21:13,753 --> 00:21:15,003
OFFICER: We got a runner!
551
00:21:17,131 --> 00:21:18,339
[GRUNTS]
552
00:21:18,423 --> 00:21:19,591
Damn!
553
00:21:21,134 --> 00:21:22,802
Oh, I didn't tell you.
554
00:21:22,886 --> 00:21:25,095
I got kicked out of ballet school
555
00:21:25,179 --> 00:21:27,556
for beating the crap out of ballerinas.
556
00:21:28,807 --> 00:21:31,100
It's a good thing we gave 'em a heads up.
557
00:21:31,309 --> 00:21:33,478
Team effort. Go, Nine-Nine.