1
00:00:02,064 --> 00:00:03,274
[SANTIAGO CHUCKLES]
2
00:00:03,482 --> 00:00:05,025
I'm so glad we could finally do this.
3
00:00:05,109 --> 00:00:07,820
I know. Kylie says you're
always stuck at the precinct.
4
00:00:07,904 --> 00:00:09,614
-Yeah. Oh.
-[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
5
00:00:09,698 --> 00:00:12,200
Speaking of. This is work. Sorry.
6
00:00:13,327 --> 00:00:14,410
What's up, Peralta?
7
00:00:14,494 --> 00:00:16,246
PERALTA [ON PHONE]: Captain called.
He needs everybody back.
8
00:00:16,330 --> 00:00:18,040
There's a lead on the
Nightingale Strangler.
9
00:00:18,124 --> 00:00:22,378
We're looking for a white male,
5'10", medium build, brown hair.
10
00:00:22,462 --> 00:00:24,422
Small scar on his right cheek.
11
00:00:25,006 --> 00:00:26,048
Okay.
12
00:00:26,132 --> 00:00:30,762
His MO is, he finds lonely women
with no friends, poisons their food,
13
00:00:30,846 --> 00:00:32,598
and then guts them in his van.
14
00:00:32,848 --> 00:00:34,183
It's pretty gnarly.
15
00:00:34,308 --> 00:00:37,227
Last seen wearing a
salmon shirt, gray blazer.
16
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:41,232
And witnesses have said he has
trouble fitting lettuce in his mouth.
17
00:00:41,316 --> 00:00:43,317
Okay. Where are you?
18
00:00:43,401 --> 00:00:46,070
Apparently, he has the world's smallest
penis and doesn't know how to use it.
19
00:00:46,154 --> 00:00:48,281
Hi, there. I'm Jake Peralta, Amy's boss.
20
00:00:48,490 --> 00:00:50,074
That's not true. What are you doing here?
21
00:00:50,158 --> 00:00:53,788
I am here on a date, who is now leaving.
22
00:00:53,996 --> 00:00:55,581
Worth it. Have a great night.
23
00:00:55,665 --> 00:00:57,040
Oh. Your boss seems really nice.
24
00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:58,834
He's not my boss. Yes, I am.
25
00:00:59,001 --> 00:01:01,087
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
26
00:01:18,981 --> 00:01:20,733
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
27
00:01:21,317 --> 00:01:24,987
And with a record five
felonies solved in one week,
28
00:01:25,446 --> 00:01:26,530
Peralta pulls ahead.
29
00:01:26,614 --> 00:01:28,908
Did you guys hear that I
solved five felonies in one week?
30
00:01:28,992 --> 00:01:30,536
We heard. Really? How?
31
00:01:30,703 --> 00:01:34,206
Five felonies in one week.
Light them up, Boyle!
32
00:01:35,332 --> 00:01:36,792
[CHEERING]
33
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,336
[LAUGHING]
34
00:01:39,504 --> 00:01:41,256
That's the sweet taste of triumph.
35
00:01:41,548 --> 00:01:42,798
You should shower more. Yep.
36
00:01:42,882 --> 00:01:44,968
Updates on open cases?
37
00:01:45,301 --> 00:01:47,053
I just got a DOA on Bessemer Street.
38
00:01:47,137 --> 00:01:50,057
You're the primary. You're in charge.
Take Diaz and Peralta.
39
00:01:50,141 --> 00:01:52,309
Yes. My fantasy threesome.
40
00:01:53,686 --> 00:01:54,728
Of cops on a case.
41
00:01:54,812 --> 00:01:56,688
Detectives, our monthly
crime statistics are due.
42
00:01:56,772 --> 00:01:59,422
I want all paperwork on your
closed cases by tomorrow.
43
00:01:59,608 --> 00:02:01,903
Scully, you can just write "I didn't
close any" on a piece of paper.
44
00:02:01,987 --> 00:02:03,029
You got it.
45
00:02:03,113 --> 00:02:05,063
I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
46
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,492
Then, I guess this little
reminder isn't for you.
47
00:02:07,576 --> 00:02:09,952
Wow.
Looks like he hates you even more than me.
48
00:02:10,036 --> 00:02:12,247
No, he doesn't.
We have a good relationship.
49
00:02:12,664 --> 00:02:13,749
We're on the same page.
50
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,876
Something to share with
the rest of us, Santiago?
51
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,130
No, sir. I wasn't…
Peralta was the one that was talking.
52
00:02:20,047 --> 00:02:22,216
God, you must have been
the worst fourth grader ever.
53
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:24,259
Joke's on you. I skipped fourth grade.
54
00:02:24,343 --> 00:02:25,971
Santiago. Anything else?
55
00:02:26,096 --> 00:02:27,263
No. No?
56
00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:28,474
Mmm-mmm.
57
00:02:28,891 --> 00:02:29,892
Dismissed.
58
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:33,436
Hey, Boyle. I know you haven't
had Peralta as a secondary in a while.
59
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,188
Be careful. It could be rough.
60
00:02:35,272 --> 00:02:37,191
Hey, saboteur.
61
00:02:37,275 --> 00:02:39,986
That's not true.
I happen to be a very good secondary.
62
00:02:40,987 --> 00:02:43,656
So, you were just borrowing those cars?
63
00:02:43,823 --> 00:02:45,366
PERALTA [MUFFLED]:
Ask about his bank account.
64
00:02:45,450 --> 00:02:47,035
Ask about his bank account!
65
00:02:47,495 --> 00:02:48,788
Ask him about his bank
66
00:02:50,289 --> 00:02:51,623
account.
67
00:02:51,707 --> 00:02:53,291
You should ask him
about his bank account.
68
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,419
Captain, Santiago broke the glass. What?
69
00:02:56,295 --> 00:02:59,757
You can't give up control. You're
terrible at taking your primary's orders.
70
00:02:59,841 --> 00:03:01,759
You just do whatever you want.
71
00:03:01,843 --> 00:03:03,302
I could go on and on and on.
72
00:03:03,386 --> 00:03:06,306
Is something no lover of
yours has ever said. Blammo!
73
00:03:06,556 --> 00:03:09,351
Look, I can be an amazing
secondary, and I'll prove it.
74
00:03:09,476 --> 00:03:10,728
I know you will, Jake-in-the-box.
75
00:03:10,812 --> 00:03:13,522
Okay. Don't ever call me that again.
I'm driving. We should leave now.
76
00:03:13,606 --> 00:03:14,774
Carry my bag.
77
00:03:15,775 --> 00:03:18,277
But you should pick the music, primary.
78
00:03:19,028 --> 00:03:20,070
[RADIO PLAYING]
79
00:03:20,154 --> 00:03:23,158
♪ Consider yourself
part of the furniture ♪
80
00:03:23,242 --> 00:03:26,286
♪ There isn't a lot to spare ♪
81
00:03:26,787 --> 00:03:30,582
♪ Who cares, whatever we got, we share ♪
82
00:03:32,584 --> 00:03:34,337
It's a great picture, sir.
83
00:03:34,671 --> 00:03:35,880
I hate it.
84
00:03:35,964 --> 00:03:37,006
Me, too.
85
00:03:39,342 --> 00:03:41,969
So, I have an eyewitness
in the purse-snatcher case.
86
00:03:42,053 --> 00:03:44,303
Only problem is the
sketch artist is out sick.
87
00:03:44,514 --> 00:03:45,724
How do you want me to proceed?
88
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:47,808
Figure it out, Santiago. It's your case.
89
00:03:48,018 --> 00:03:50,020
Yes. I will do that.
90
00:03:50,646 --> 00:03:51,938
Thank you.
91
00:03:52,022 --> 00:03:53,315
Are you bowing?
92
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,112
No. This is how I walk.
93
00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:02,784
What do you need, Quasimodo?
94
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:03,993
I got to go meet Boyle and Peralta.
95
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,828
Is there something
wrong with the captain?
96
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,121
It seems like he's in a bad mood.
97
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,555
I don't know. Who can tell?
98
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:12,837
You all right, Captain? Tough weekend?
99
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,547
I went to Barbados with my husband.
100
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:19,677
We wove hats out of palm
fronds and swam with the stingrays.
101
00:04:20,512 --> 00:04:21,972
I've never been happier.
102
00:04:24,182 --> 00:04:25,433
Guy's impossible to read.
103
00:04:25,517 --> 00:04:26,518
Don't even try.
104
00:04:26,685 --> 00:04:29,735
That is, without question, the
funniest story I've ever heard.
105
00:04:33,359 --> 00:04:36,321
Wow.
This guy must have weighed 500 pounds.
106
00:04:36,613 --> 00:04:37,947
I think we have an idea what killed him.
107
00:04:38,031 --> 00:04:39,991
Spoiler alert, it was not starvation.
108
00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:41,992
What do we got? What do we got?
109
00:04:42,076 --> 00:04:44,705
Sorry. Sorry. You're the primary.
You're in charge.
110
00:04:45,873 --> 00:04:49,627
Frank Patterson.
58 years old, married, no children.
111
00:04:49,877 --> 00:04:51,795
Wife found him this
morning and called it in.
112
00:04:51,879 --> 00:04:54,129
Okay.
Any signs of forced entry or a struggle?
113
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:55,424
No.
114
00:04:55,508 --> 00:04:56,717
Are you sure about that?
115
00:04:56,801 --> 00:04:59,220
Looks like maybe his belt had a
pretty epic struggle with his stomach.
116
00:04:59,304 --> 00:05:00,429
[CHUCKLES]
117
00:05:00,513 --> 00:05:01,764
What are you thinking, Boyle? For a guy…
118
00:05:01,848 --> 00:05:04,934
I'm calling natural causes.
We got heart medicine over here,
119
00:05:05,018 --> 00:05:08,021
home defibrillator, and a
frequent customer gift basket
120
00:05:08,105 --> 00:05:09,982
from the cardiac wing
of Brooklyn Methodist.
121
00:05:10,066 --> 00:05:11,525
This case is open and shut.
122
00:05:12,193 --> 00:05:14,027
Just like his mouth was constantly.
123
00:05:14,111 --> 00:05:16,447
That was my last fat joke. Okay?
124
00:05:16,822 --> 00:05:18,658
Diaz, check and see if there's
any more meds in the bathroom.
125
00:05:18,742 --> 00:05:22,042
Boyle, see what you can find in
the bedroom. I'll take the kitchen.
126
00:05:23,664 --> 00:05:26,249
Yep.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
127
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:29,128
It's so weird. He's so good at
knowing what I'm going to tell him to do.
128
00:05:29,212 --> 00:05:31,422
He just does it. It's weird.
129
00:05:34,842 --> 00:05:38,304
Hey, Sergeant. You know how
you're really good at, um, doodling?
130
00:05:38,388 --> 00:05:40,014
I know you think you're complimenting me,
131
00:05:40,098 --> 00:05:42,351
but calling them doodles is an insult.
132
00:05:43,018 --> 00:05:44,812
You a big fan of Picasso's doodles?
133
00:05:45,354 --> 00:05:48,064
Sorry. Can you please draw a perp for me?
134
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:51,109
The sketch artist is out sick and the
captain wants this done right away.
135
00:05:51,193 --> 00:05:53,112
He's in a bad mood. Is he?
136
00:05:53,196 --> 00:05:54,246
I can never read him.
137
00:05:55,490 --> 00:05:57,909
You look chipper, Captain.
You have a fun weekend?
138
00:05:57,993 --> 00:05:59,911
There was a small fire in my home.
139
00:05:59,995 --> 00:06:02,455
I lost many photo albums
of treasured memories.
140
00:06:04,166 --> 00:06:05,209
I'm devastated.
141
00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:08,086
I'm telling you.
He and I have a connection,
142
00:06:08,170 --> 00:06:09,922
and there is something bothering him.
143
00:06:10,006 --> 00:06:11,257
Can you help me out?
144
00:06:11,882 --> 00:06:13,008
Great.
145
00:06:13,092 --> 00:06:16,095
Ma'am, can you please describe
the perp to Sergeant Jeffords?
146
00:06:16,179 --> 00:06:19,641
Uh, yeah. He had, um, dark,
curly hair and a neck tattoo.
147
00:06:19,725 --> 00:06:23,228
Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.
Uh, let's start with the eyes.
148
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,814
Were they desperate? Lonely?
149
00:06:26,273 --> 00:06:27,900
Did they betray heartache?
150
00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:29,277
They were brown.
151
00:06:29,819 --> 00:06:31,469
Do you even want your purse back?
152
00:06:34,032 --> 00:06:37,451
So far, you've managed to tell three fat
jokes and completely bulldoze Charles.
153
00:06:37,535 --> 00:06:39,079
Is that your idea of
being a good secondary?
154
00:06:39,163 --> 00:06:42,874
First off, I've told four.
And second, I'm helping.
155
00:06:42,958 --> 00:06:45,043
I mean, I started cataloging
the contents of the fridge,
156
00:06:45,127 --> 00:06:46,544
but it turns out there's
not enough paper on Earth.
157
00:06:46,628 --> 00:06:48,129
Five fat jokes. [CHUCKLES]
158
00:06:48,213 --> 00:06:50,383
Thanks, Arnie. See?
Arnie thinks I'm doing great.
159
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:51,717
Arnie, shut up.
160
00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:56,264
Jake, for once, just hang
back and let Boyle do his job.
161
00:06:56,556 --> 00:06:58,016
[GROANS] Fine.
162
00:06:58,558 --> 00:07:00,518
Unless I get a direct order from Boyle,
163
00:07:00,602 --> 00:07:04,190
I will stand here motionless
like a wise old oak tree.
164
00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:07,193
You look like an idiot.
165
00:07:08,235 --> 00:07:10,946
I'm so sorry for your
loss, Mrs. Patterson.
166
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,116
Can you talk about what
happened after breakfast?
167
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,036
I took the dog for a walk.
When I came back, he was dead.
168
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,998
I'm just in shock. We were going
on a cruise together next week.
169
00:07:20,082 --> 00:07:22,667
He had pre-purchased
the unlimited soda package.
170
00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:25,551
I'm sure the soft drink
industry mourns his passing.
171
00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:32,053
Motion reactivated. [CLEARS THROAT]
172
00:07:34,597 --> 00:07:36,391
Hey. I'm Detective Jake Peralta.
173
00:07:36,475 --> 00:07:38,727
Dr. Rossi. I'm the new medical examiner.
174
00:07:38,811 --> 00:07:40,770
Don't let me get in your way.
I'm sure you have a lot to do.
175
00:07:40,854 --> 00:07:43,854
Actually, I've been given a
direct order to do nothing. So…
176
00:07:44,858 --> 00:07:46,192
What brings you here?
177
00:07:46,276 --> 00:07:50,031
Okay. I'm all right. Sorry. Sorry.
178
00:07:50,532 --> 00:07:52,575
You all right? What's up?
179
00:07:57,664 --> 00:07:58,914
How's the Patterson case looking?
180
00:07:58,998 --> 00:08:00,500
Uh, it looks like natural causes,
181
00:08:00,584 --> 00:08:03,420
but I'll know for sure once I
get the autopsy results tomorrow.
182
00:08:03,504 --> 00:08:05,714
Jake volunteered to
follow up with the ME.
183
00:08:05,798 --> 00:08:07,049
My man is all over it.
184
00:08:07,508 --> 00:08:09,676
I'm really glad you could
sneak away from your case.
185
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,263
Well, it's technically
not really my case.
186
00:08:12,347 --> 00:08:16,101
But on the plus side, I
have all the time in the world.
187
00:08:16,518 --> 00:08:17,518
Oh.
188
00:08:17,602 --> 00:08:20,855
To you. And to the ginormous dead
fat man who brought us together.
189
00:08:20,939 --> 00:08:22,108
[CHUCKLES]
190
00:08:28,781 --> 00:08:31,033
BOYLE: Hey, Jake.
Have you heard anything from the ME?
191
00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:32,493
She hasn't sent the autopsy report.
192
00:08:32,577 --> 00:08:33,870
Oh, that's strange.
193
00:08:33,954 --> 00:08:36,790
Maybe probably a bunch more
people died and she got super busy.
194
00:08:36,874 --> 00:08:38,374
That's definitely what happened.
195
00:08:38,458 --> 00:08:39,959
Okay. Just let me know when she calls.
196
00:08:40,043 --> 00:08:41,378
You got it.
197
00:08:41,712 --> 00:08:43,171
[CLEARS THROAT]
198
00:08:43,255 --> 00:08:45,883
Hey. Can I ask you guys something?
Can you keep a secret?
199
00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:47,384
Do you know anything about my life?
200
00:08:47,468 --> 00:08:48,511
No, I do not. Good point.
201
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,429
Okay.
So, you know the new medical examiner?
202
00:08:50,513 --> 00:08:52,413
I kind of had sex with her last night.
203
00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:53,849
What?
204
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,893
Oh. Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.
205
00:08:55,977 --> 00:08:58,021
Sex is something that two
adults do with their bodies
206
00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,523
when they're attracted to each other.
207
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,358
He's right, Santiago.
Do you not know that?
208
00:09:01,442 --> 00:09:03,736
I meant, what were you thinking?
209
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:07,447
She was supposed to be doing an
autopsy for your primary, Charles.
210
00:09:07,531 --> 00:09:09,826
The guy died of natural causes.
What's the big deal?
211
00:09:09,910 --> 00:09:12,203
Anyways, back to last night.
As you would imagine,
212
00:09:12,287 --> 00:09:14,455
I'm normally up for pretty
much anything in the bedroom.
213
00:09:14,539 --> 00:09:17,125
But I can't tell if what
happened was weird or sexy.
214
00:09:17,751 --> 00:09:19,837
Wait. Close your eyes.
215
00:09:19,921 --> 00:09:21,130
Oh, okay.
216
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:25,467
Ah!
217
00:09:25,551 --> 00:09:27,929
[SHUSHING]
218
00:09:28,304 --> 00:09:29,388
What are you doing?
219
00:09:29,472 --> 00:09:31,015
I like them cold.
220
00:09:31,767 --> 00:09:32,935
Okay.
221
00:09:33,352 --> 00:09:34,853
Not that weird. Cold?
222
00:09:34,937 --> 00:09:36,729
Like a dead guy?
You're reading into that.
223
00:09:36,813 --> 00:09:37,814
Am I?
224
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,775
You have a really nice chest.
225
00:09:40,150 --> 00:09:41,234
Thank you.
226
00:09:41,318 --> 00:09:45,239
I'd love to crack it open and get
my hands all over your organs.
227
00:09:45,323 --> 00:09:47,700
Okay.
I wonder how much your appendix weighs.
228
00:09:47,784 --> 00:09:50,995
[GASPS] Oh. It's inflamed.
229
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,289
All right. Wait. That's bad, right?
230
00:09:53,373 --> 00:09:54,875
Yeah, it is. Oh, no.
231
00:09:55,292 --> 00:09:57,711
Ew. Please tell me you ran out of there.
232
00:09:58,212 --> 00:10:02,299
No. For some reason, I
kind of started getting into it.
233
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:05,094
Oh. What do we have here?
234
00:10:05,427 --> 00:10:09,223
A 34-year-old Caucasian male who is dead.
Very dead.
235
00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:11,184
Mmm. Cause of death?
236
00:10:11,476 --> 00:10:14,229
Initial assessment, blunt force trauma.
237
00:10:14,646 --> 00:10:17,023
But what do I find when
I probe a little farther?
238
00:10:17,107 --> 00:10:20,736
Bruising around the neck
and ocean water in the lungs.
239
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,197
Ooh. How long have you been dead, body?
240
00:10:23,281 --> 00:10:25,866
Four days. Gross. Bloating. Odors.
241
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:28,285
Oh. Uh, 24 hours.
242
00:10:28,369 --> 00:10:30,080
Perfect.
243
00:10:31,081 --> 00:10:32,124
Here we go.
244
00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,709
Stop, stop, stop. Weird, weird, weird.
245
00:10:34,793 --> 00:10:36,586
Rosa, what's your call? Weird or sexy?
246
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,297
Weird. I knew it!
247
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,050
But also kind of sexy? No. Weird.
248
00:10:41,134 --> 00:10:42,551
But more importantly,
that's what you were doing
249
00:10:42,635 --> 00:10:44,720
while Charles was
grinding through paperwork?
250
00:10:44,804 --> 00:10:46,764
Told you. Worst secondary in the unit.
251
00:10:46,848 --> 00:10:48,057
Oh, what do you guys want from me?
252
00:10:48,141 --> 00:10:50,267
You know, I take over a crime
scene, I'm a bad secondary.
253
00:10:50,351 --> 00:10:53,146
I blow off work to have sex with a
hot coroner, I'm a bad secondary.
254
00:10:53,230 --> 00:10:55,106
I can't win.
What are you guys talking about?
255
00:10:55,190 --> 00:10:57,776
Um, just weird sex stuff that
has nothing to do with work.
256
00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:01,447
I once had sex on a futon.
And it was in couch mode.
257
00:11:03,449 --> 00:11:04,451
Hmm.
258
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:11,874
Sarge, all of these are fine. How much
longer are you going to work on this?
259
00:11:11,958 --> 00:11:14,961
It's questions like that that
made Van Gogh cut off his ear.
260
00:11:15,546 --> 00:11:16,996
You can't put a clock on art.
261
00:11:18,632 --> 00:11:19,675
Ten minutes.
262
00:11:19,759 --> 00:11:22,803
Great. Let's catch this guy so
we can give Holt some good news.
263
00:11:22,887 --> 00:11:23,887
I want to cheer him up.
264
00:11:23,971 --> 00:11:25,514
Well, how do you even
know he's in a bad mood?
265
00:11:25,598 --> 00:11:27,648
I mean, it's impossible to read that guy.
266
00:11:27,893 --> 00:11:32,356
This the most incompetent, worthless
report I have ever read in my life!
267
00:11:32,606 --> 00:11:34,775
Get your act together, or so help me God,
268
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:36,860
you won't live to see retirement!
269
00:11:37,652 --> 00:11:40,156
It's like, "What's that guy thinking?"
You know?
270
00:11:40,907 --> 00:11:44,702
I can read him. And if anyone can
figure out what's bothering him, it's me.
271
00:11:45,119 --> 00:11:46,871
He and I are exactly the same.
272
00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:50,542
Except that I'm younger, Cuban,
female, single, and straight.
273
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,960
Captain Holt's not gay.
274
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:54,504
Captain Holt's gay?
275
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,340
Seriously, man. Just retire.
276
00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:00,844
Boyle, where's my paperwork on that DOA?
277
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:02,513
Still waiting on the autopsy report.
278
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:03,889
It was supposed to come
in first thing this morning,
279
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:04,974
but so far, nothing.
280
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,225
This is unacceptable.
281
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,019
I'll call the ME and
find out what happened.
282
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,271
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
283
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,273
That's not necessary, sir.
284
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:14,860
For the record, I think it's
natural causes, anyway.
285
00:12:14,944 --> 00:12:17,904
But I'm also the secondary on this case.
It's my responsibility.
286
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,032
So, I will head on down
there and pick up the report.
287
00:12:20,116 --> 00:12:22,659
Good. But don't ever "buh,
buh, buh, buh" me again.
288
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:23,827
Right. I don't know what…
289
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,997
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
290
00:12:26,081 --> 00:12:27,207
Just go.
291
00:12:27,791 --> 00:12:30,168
Yep. I am going to regret
teaching him that one.
292
00:12:32,421 --> 00:12:33,971
Rosa, can I show you something?
293
00:12:34,297 --> 00:12:35,340
What's up?
294
00:12:35,424 --> 00:12:38,594
Patterson's wife told me that they were
going on a cruise together next month,
295
00:12:38,678 --> 00:12:41,328
but her credit card bill
shows only one ticket booked.
296
00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:44,564
Either she's lying, or she
knew he was going to die.
297
00:12:44,809 --> 00:12:46,477
Huh. Nice find, Boyle.
298
00:12:46,894 --> 00:12:48,229
This could be a murder.
299
00:12:48,313 --> 00:12:51,566
Where is that autopsy? Jake went
down to the ME an hour and a half ago,
300
00:12:51,650 --> 00:12:52,776
he still hasn't got back to me.
301
00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:54,194
Jake went to get the autopsy report?
302
00:12:54,278 --> 00:12:56,613
I know. Isn't he the best?
303
00:12:56,822 --> 00:12:59,033
I mean, he's really coming
into his own as a secondary.
304
00:12:59,117 --> 00:13:00,910
I want to get him something nice.
305
00:13:00,994 --> 00:13:04,038
Does he come across more as
a pinot guy, or more of a syrah?
306
00:13:04,122 --> 00:13:07,372
You know what? We better go down there.
See what's holding him up.
307
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,002
Good call.
308
00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:14,132
Detectives. [CLEARS THROAT] Hello.
309
00:13:14,216 --> 00:13:16,009
Your shirt's buttoned wrong.
310
00:13:16,093 --> 00:13:18,887
Ha. So it is. Well. [CLEARS THROAT]
311
00:13:18,971 --> 00:13:19,971
How can I help you?
312
00:13:20,055 --> 00:13:21,848
Uh, we came by to
get that autopsy report.
313
00:13:21,932 --> 00:13:23,643
Hmm. Is Detective Peralta here?
314
00:13:23,894 --> 00:13:25,228
I haven't seen him.
315
00:13:25,812 --> 00:13:26,896
Thanks for coming by.
316
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,398
[MUFFLED COUGHING] Hold on.
317
00:13:32,402 --> 00:13:33,403
Found him.
318
00:13:33,487 --> 00:13:36,991
Ah. Thank goodness you're here.
I am so lost.
319
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,244
Do you know where the
vending machines are?
320
00:13:43,706 --> 00:13:45,125
Look, it's not what it seems like.
321
00:13:45,209 --> 00:13:46,459
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
322
00:13:46,543 --> 00:13:49,838
Here's what happened. I came
down here to get the autopsy report.
323
00:13:49,922 --> 00:13:51,840
And in conclusion, here we are.
324
00:13:52,257 --> 00:13:53,341
Now, if you'll excuse me.
325
00:13:53,425 --> 00:13:54,717
Cut the crap, Peralta.
326
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,762
Look, I'm sorry I slowed
down the autopsy results.
327
00:13:56,846 --> 00:13:58,472
But everyone knows it's natural causes.
328
00:13:58,556 --> 00:14:00,266
Not anymore.
We think it could be a murder.
329
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:01,559
Wait. Like, a "murder" murder?
330
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:03,109
Or, like, his mouth
murdered him by making
331
00:14:03,193 --> 00:14:04,854
him eat so much food
that his heart exploded?
332
00:14:04,938 --> 00:14:07,273
"Murder" murder.
We need the autopsy to be sure.
333
00:14:07,357 --> 00:14:09,067
I have not gotten to that yet.
334
00:14:09,151 --> 00:14:11,236
You guys have been
down here for two hours.
335
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,030
What, did you have sex 40 times?
336
00:14:13,364 --> 00:14:16,491
40 times? No. Charles. Look, I'm sorry.
337
00:14:16,575 --> 00:14:17,826
We didn't know it was a homicide.
338
00:14:17,910 --> 00:14:20,830
Well, it shouldn't matter. I'm your
primary and I asked you to do something.
339
00:14:20,914 --> 00:14:23,375
So, if it's okay, I'd like
to be upset with you.
340
00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:25,919
It's more than okay. It's okay times two.
341
00:14:26,253 --> 00:14:30,090
Now, Dr. Rossi, will you please
perform the autopsy for us right now?
342
00:14:30,674 --> 00:14:33,302
Actually, with a body this
size, I'd need my assistant.
343
00:14:33,386 --> 00:14:36,346
And I gave him the rest of the
afternoon off when Jake showed up.
344
00:14:36,430 --> 00:14:38,182
Guilty. [CHUCKLES]
345
00:14:38,599 --> 00:14:42,812
Okay, fine. I will act as your assistant
346
00:14:42,896 --> 00:14:44,773
because I am a wonderful secondary.
347
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:46,775
How gross could it be?
348
00:14:46,942 --> 00:14:50,028
I'm just going to need you to
hold open this chest cavity for me.
349
00:14:50,112 --> 00:14:53,115
Oh. Wow. Okay. I can do that.
350
00:14:53,782 --> 00:14:57,082
It's no big deal. Just like holding
open some slimy elevator doors.
351
00:14:57,870 --> 00:14:59,831
For a family of aliens. Oh, my God.
352
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:04,252
Yep. There are some signs of stress
on the heart, but that's not surprising.
353
00:15:04,419 --> 00:15:07,005
Ah, will you look at that stomach lining?
354
00:15:07,089 --> 00:15:08,632
God, that is just a beaut.
355
00:15:08,716 --> 00:15:09,841
Ugh.
356
00:15:09,925 --> 00:15:13,075
All right. I'm going to need you
to go ahead and take your hand.
357
00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:14,304
[GRUNTS]
358
00:15:14,388 --> 00:15:16,389
-Yep. Get it down there.
-[GROANS]
359
00:15:16,473 --> 00:15:18,601
-Get it on in. There you go.
-[GRUNTS]
360
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:19,769
Oh, that is so big.
361
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,648
Caught him? Yes, sir.
362
00:15:23,773 --> 00:15:26,859
He was easy to pick up.
He looked just like the sergeant's sketch.
363
00:15:26,943 --> 00:15:30,072
You could be a professional artist, boss.
Like on the boardwalk.
364
00:15:30,156 --> 00:15:33,743
You think I should draw caricatures?
That's garbage art.
365
00:15:33,951 --> 00:15:36,245
I don't draw giant-head
people on surfboards.
366
00:15:36,495 --> 00:15:38,445
I'm saying you could. You're that good.
367
00:15:38,539 --> 00:15:41,376
Captain, the credit really
goes to Sergeant Jeffords.
368
00:15:41,752 --> 00:15:43,503
Without his refined artistic skills…
369
00:15:43,587 --> 00:15:46,937
Finish the paperwork by noon.
I want it included in the crime stats.
370
00:15:47,883 --> 00:15:50,009
I got to say, I always
hate how I look in pictures.
371
00:15:50,093 --> 00:15:53,931
But that is so flattering.
Also, I'm innocent. You got the wrong guy.
372
00:15:54,015 --> 00:15:56,016
Shut up. Sarge,
373
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,768
I need you to do one more drawing for me.
374
00:15:57,852 --> 00:15:58,853
What?
375
00:16:03,399 --> 00:16:06,152
It will cheer the captain up.
He'll be over the moon.
376
00:16:06,236 --> 00:16:09,365
He may even lean back in
his chair a little and nod slightly.
377
00:16:09,573 --> 00:16:13,323
This is a lot of pressure. If I'm
going to do this, it has to be done right.
378
00:16:13,786 --> 00:16:15,246
-Scully.
-SCULLY: Yeah?
379
00:16:15,664 --> 00:16:17,457
Get me my oils.
380
00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:19,334
Paint or massage?
381
00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:22,754
I'll get both.
382
00:16:22,879 --> 00:16:26,090
You know, this is one of the most
unhealthy people I've ever seen.
383
00:16:26,174 --> 00:16:28,761
It's like cutting into a
big, overstuffed ravioli.
384
00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:31,889
You sure you want me to keep digging?
385
00:16:32,098 --> 00:16:35,225
Unfortunately, yes. The primary
on this case says it's a murder.
386
00:16:35,309 --> 00:16:37,102
We have to treat it like a murder.
387
00:16:37,186 --> 00:16:38,730
Okay. Here we go.
388
00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:41,191
Oh. Want to see something cool?
389
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,776
No. Here it is.
390
00:16:42,943 --> 00:16:45,404
Ah, that's what I'm talking about.
[GASPS] Listen.
391
00:16:47,114 --> 00:16:49,533
Goosh. Mmm-hmm.
392
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,160
You know what that was?
393
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,747
That was the air releasing
from the large intestine.
394
00:16:55,164 --> 00:16:58,000
Ah. In the biz, we call
that the "death bubble."
395
00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,284
Pretty cool.
Here, you want to hold it? Nope.
396
00:17:02,423 --> 00:17:04,507
Knock, knock.
You can knock with your hands.
397
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,218
Saying it is ridiculous.
398
00:17:06,468 --> 00:17:10,305
Okay.
Well, I know you're having a bad day.
399
00:17:11,932 --> 00:17:14,185
I think you're having a bad day.
400
00:17:14,602 --> 00:17:19,231
So, to cheer you up, I
had Terry do this painting
401
00:17:19,315 --> 00:17:20,900
to replace the photo you hated.
402
00:17:21,943 --> 00:17:23,801
I threw away the photo
because I think it's
403
00:17:23,885 --> 00:17:25,781
ostentatious to hang
pictures of yourself,
404
00:17:25,865 --> 00:17:28,565
especially when you haven't
earned a place on the wall.
405
00:17:29,285 --> 00:17:30,327
Oh.
406
00:17:30,411 --> 00:17:32,371
But you would have me hang
a baroque oil painting of myself,
407
00:17:32,455 --> 00:17:34,290
like I'm a North Korean dictator.
408
00:17:34,457 --> 00:17:36,293
What, no ornate gold frame?
409
00:17:36,793 --> 00:17:40,088
Why am I not astride my
noble steed, clad in armor?
410
00:17:41,631 --> 00:17:42,841
We could add a horse.
411
00:17:43,091 --> 00:17:46,010
You just wasted your time, Terry's
time, and now my time on this,
412
00:17:46,094 --> 00:17:48,764
when you should have been filing
the report on the purse-snatcher.
413
00:17:48,848 --> 00:17:50,748
Oh, I did. It's already in the system.
414
00:17:51,058 --> 00:17:53,060
Oh. Good.
415
00:17:54,437 --> 00:17:55,688
Thank you. Dismissed.
416
00:17:59,109 --> 00:18:01,236
Here are the contents of his stomach.
417
00:18:01,487 --> 00:18:03,071
Oh. That's where they went.
418
00:18:03,155 --> 00:18:04,364
And here's the really cool part.
419
00:18:04,448 --> 00:18:06,825
Get in here.
Look at the scarring on this liver.
420
00:18:07,117 --> 00:18:10,120
Cause of death, poison. Ingested.
421
00:18:11,581 --> 00:18:13,416
[SIGHS] Boyle was right.
422
00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:16,210
All right. I'm going to go tell him.
423
00:18:16,294 --> 00:18:17,462
Yeah, you could.
424
00:18:17,921 --> 00:18:21,465
Or you could stay for a post-mortem.
425
00:18:21,549 --> 00:18:24,178
Nope. Sorry. The spell has worn off.
426
00:18:24,678 --> 00:18:26,930
No more weird dead
guy sex for me ever again.
427
00:18:27,014 --> 00:18:29,850
It's nothing personal.
I just think sex is for the living.
428
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:32,519
Isn't that right, buddy?
Oh, my God. He has no eyes.
429
00:18:32,603 --> 00:18:34,105
Oh, that is terrifying.
430
00:18:41,571 --> 00:18:42,739
What now, Santiago?
431
00:18:43,365 --> 00:18:44,949
I figured out why you've been so tense.
432
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:47,161
You're worried about the
monthly crime statistics.
433
00:18:47,245 --> 00:18:48,955
That's not your concern.
434
00:18:49,539 --> 00:18:51,498
I just checked the stats myself.
435
00:18:51,582 --> 00:18:53,584
Our arrest numbers haven't
improved since you got here.
436
00:18:53,668 --> 00:18:55,618
They're exactly the same as last month.
437
00:18:55,837 --> 00:18:58,131
If this is your strategy to
cheer me up, it's backfiring.
438
00:18:58,215 --> 00:19:01,384
Sir, I don't think you realize
how good flat numbers are.
439
00:19:01,468 --> 00:19:03,303
I went back 12 years.
440
00:19:03,387 --> 00:19:06,473
A precinct's numbers almost always
get worse under new leadership.
441
00:19:06,557 --> 00:19:08,893
But ours didn't. That's a win.
442
00:19:09,602 --> 00:19:11,228
It's just your first month.
443
00:19:11,312 --> 00:19:13,564
Morale is much higher.
People are working harder.
444
00:19:13,648 --> 00:19:16,398
You're well on your way to
earning a place on that wall.
445
00:19:16,985 --> 00:19:18,736
Thank you, Santiago.
446
00:19:19,779 --> 00:19:22,616
You know.
We're birds of a feather, you and I.
447
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:24,785
I hate cliches. Cliches are the worst.
448
00:19:25,536 --> 00:19:26,579
Okay.
449
00:19:37,299 --> 00:19:38,633
We know you killed your husband.
450
00:19:38,717 --> 00:19:40,343
That cruise you planned was for one.
451
00:19:40,427 --> 00:19:42,512
Plus, the autopsy showed
clear signs of poison.
452
00:19:42,596 --> 00:19:45,474
And for the record, the inside
of his body was very gross.
453
00:19:45,558 --> 00:19:48,019
Noted.
My only question is, why did you do it?
454
00:19:48,769 --> 00:19:52,314
Hmm. He drove me to it.
He had affair after affair.
455
00:19:52,398 --> 00:19:54,066
He was a real Don Juan.
456
00:19:54,233 --> 00:19:55,819
Permission to make a fat joke? Go ahead.
457
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,821
Are you sure you didn't mean Don Flan?
Thanks.
458
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:01,074
Nice. Mrs. Patterson, you are under
arrest for the murder of your husband.
459
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,618
[EXHALES]
460
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,913
Sarge, that painting is tight.
461
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:10,042
It's terrible. The brushwork is sloppy.
It's poor use of negative space.
462
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:11,920
I'm a fraud. Not at all.
463
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,548
I'd like to take this
home for my husband.
464
00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,632
He'll be glad you made me look so happy.
465
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,221
I was trying to make him look serious.
466
00:20:21,305 --> 00:20:23,265
I still can't read him. No one can.
467
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:25,768
I can. He likes it.
468
00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:31,358
Nice job, Boyle. You nailed it.
469
00:20:31,608 --> 00:20:34,318
Hear, hear. Of course he did.
He's a great primary.
470
00:20:34,402 --> 00:20:36,780
And I'm sorry I was
such a bad number two.
471
00:20:37,072 --> 00:20:40,408
I may, for the first time have
been a bit of a jerk. And I'm sorry.
472
00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:42,411
What a wonderful moment.
473
00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:44,162
I agree. It is a wonderful moment.
474
00:20:44,246 --> 00:20:45,914
What a wonderful moment. Rosa, you agree?
475
00:20:45,998 --> 00:20:47,457
It's all right. It's all right.
476
00:20:47,541 --> 00:20:49,502
-BOTH: ♪ Wonderful moment ♪
-♪ …ment ♪
477
00:20:49,794 --> 00:20:52,714
-♪ Between two guys ♪
-♪ Between two guys ♪
478
00:20:52,798 --> 00:20:54,507
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
479
00:20:54,591 --> 00:20:56,634
Oh. The DA wants to set
bail for Patterson's wife.
480
00:20:56,718 --> 00:20:58,804
They need me to send them all the files.
481
00:20:59,429 --> 00:21:02,641
I'm the secondary.
I'll go back there and do the busy work.
482
00:21:02,891 --> 00:21:05,102
You guys stay here and keep celebrating.
483
00:21:05,186 --> 00:21:07,897
You sure you're not just sneaking
off for more weird dead guy sex?
484
00:21:07,981 --> 00:21:11,109
[CHUCKLES] We will never
speak of that again. Never.
485
00:21:12,527 --> 00:21:13,736
Okay, bye.
486
00:21:14,654 --> 00:21:16,615
God. Crazy day, huh?
487
00:21:16,699 --> 00:21:18,993
I hate small talk.
Let's drink in silence.
488
00:21:20,577 --> 00:21:21,704
Perfect.