1
00:00:04,335 --> 00:00:05,837
Ah. Captain.
2
00:00:06,045 --> 00:00:07,170
You're at my desk.
3
00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:09,005
Just what I want to see
first thing in the morning.
4
00:00:09,089 --> 00:00:10,757
You're three minutes late, Peralta.
5
00:00:10,841 --> 00:00:11,925
Not my fault.
6
00:00:12,050 --> 00:00:13,300
I had a plumbing problem.
7
00:00:13,552 --> 00:00:15,053
-[PHONE ALARM RINGING]
-[GROANING]
8
00:00:15,137 --> 00:00:16,138
[GRUNTING]
9
00:00:17,639 --> 00:00:21,139
Which reminds me, I'm going to need
a new, departmentally-issued phone.
10
00:00:21,809 --> 00:00:23,685
Oh, come on. Really?
I'm a few minutes late,
11
00:00:23,769 --> 00:00:25,312
so you're going to call me
out in front of everyone?
12
00:00:25,396 --> 00:00:27,189
Good idea. Everyone?
13
00:00:27,273 --> 00:00:29,900
Gather around so I can call
out Peralta in front of you.
14
00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:32,945
Okay. Fine. I was three minutes late.
15
00:00:33,070 --> 00:00:34,987
I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong.
16
00:00:35,071 --> 00:00:36,989
Oh, it's more than one thing. Uh-oh.
17
00:00:37,073 --> 00:00:38,616
Let's start with the Kristov murder.
18
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,868
It was an amazing solve.
I got him to confess in 20 minutes.
19
00:00:40,952 --> 00:00:42,286
You also mislabeled the evidence.
20
00:00:42,370 --> 00:00:45,873
So that confession is worthless if the
sergeant hadn't caught your mistake.
21
00:00:45,957 --> 00:00:48,251
Here are three cases
with sloppy paperwork.
22
00:00:48,335 --> 00:00:49,752
Here are two pictures.
23
00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:54,422
One is your locker. The other is a
garbage dump in the Philippines.
24
00:00:54,506 --> 00:00:56,759
Can you tell which is which?
25
00:00:59,762 --> 00:01:01,805
That one's the dump?
They're both your locker.
26
00:01:01,889 --> 00:01:03,305
Ah, I should have guessed that.
He's good.
27
00:01:03,389 --> 00:01:06,809
This folder is labeled, "Undies, dirty."
28
00:01:06,893 --> 00:01:08,993
So I won't confuse it
with "Undies, clean."
29
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,729
Also, who cares about all these rules?
30
00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:13,274
I have more felony arrests
than any other detective here.
31
00:01:13,358 --> 00:01:16,859
You also have more mice living in
your desk than any other detective.
32
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:17,944
[PERALTA GASPING]
33
00:01:18,028 --> 00:01:19,862
-Algernon!
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
34
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,864
-You guys, Algernon's back!
-[MOUSE SQUEAKING]
35
00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:24,993
Get rid of the mouse, and
get your act together. Now.
36
00:01:27,245 --> 00:01:28,789
[WHISPERING] He's grumpy.
37
00:01:29,206 --> 00:01:31,207
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
38
00:01:51,726 --> 00:01:53,811
JEFFORDS: Okay, Detectives.
Let's get started.
39
00:01:53,895 --> 00:01:55,062
Santiago.
40
00:01:55,146 --> 00:01:56,731
Where are we with the
Jay Street drug bust?
41
00:01:56,815 --> 00:01:58,607
There are 12 keys of
coke unaccounted for,
42
00:01:58,691 --> 00:02:00,567
but we just got a warrant to
search the dealer's apartment.
43
00:02:00,651 --> 00:02:02,403
Good. Take Boyle and Diaz.
44
00:02:02,903 --> 00:02:04,988
-Dream team.
-JEFFORDS: Peralta.
45
00:02:05,239 --> 00:02:07,198
Brief us on the vandalism case.
46
00:02:07,282 --> 00:02:08,992
Well, there's no easy
way to put this, Sarge.
47
00:02:09,076 --> 00:02:12,412
But someone has been
painting wieners on squad cars.
48
00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:13,746
And apparently,
49
00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:16,874
they won't stop until there's a penis
drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn.
50
00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:19,210
Oh, that's what he's been drawing.
51
00:02:19,419 --> 00:02:22,004
But, what are those two little
round things at the bottom?
52
00:02:22,088 --> 00:02:23,089
It's a butt.
53
00:02:23,631 --> 00:02:24,716
The butt?
54
00:02:25,091 --> 00:02:27,508
I assume you have a plan
to catch this gentleman.
55
00:02:27,592 --> 00:02:29,260
Did you just say "genital-man"?
56
00:02:29,344 --> 00:02:31,930
Because, if so, kudos.
And, yes, I have a plan.
57
00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,599
I'm going to plant a
decoy squad car as bait.
58
00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:38,478
Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in
an undercover vehicle here.
59
00:02:38,562 --> 00:02:41,105
He's already tagged three UC vehicles.
60
00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:42,430
He can clearly spot 'em.
61
00:02:42,815 --> 00:02:43,982
You should take my minivan.
62
00:02:44,066 --> 00:02:45,817
A minivan? [LAUGHING]
63
00:02:45,901 --> 00:02:47,069
[ALL LAUGHING]
64
00:02:47,194 --> 00:02:49,094
You all got a problem with my minivan?
65
00:02:51,282 --> 00:02:53,232
Because my wife doesn't like it either.
66
00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:55,785
She wanted an SUV,
but those things roll, man.
67
00:02:55,869 --> 00:02:57,036
They roll.
68
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,663
It's a good idea, Sergeant.
We'll take the van.
69
00:02:58,747 --> 00:03:00,331
We? You're coming with me?
70
00:03:00,957 --> 00:03:03,250
Sir, with all due respect,
I don't need backup.
71
00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:05,878
It's not backup. It's babysitting.
72
00:03:05,962 --> 00:03:07,671
Babysitting. [LAUGHING]
73
00:03:10,132 --> 00:03:11,550
BOYLE: Oh. Look at this.
74
00:03:11,675 --> 00:03:14,725
The drug dealer got a BA in
Art History from Brooklyn College.
75
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,262
Interesting, huh?
76
00:03:16,346 --> 00:03:17,546
How is that interesting?
77
00:03:18,223 --> 00:03:21,517
Well, it's surprising, because
you would think he had studied
78
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,269
drugs.
79
00:03:23,561 --> 00:03:25,813
I studied art history, too.
Also not interesting.
80
00:03:25,897 --> 00:03:27,064
GINA: Excuse me.
81
00:03:27,231 --> 00:03:29,441
I know I'm just a lowly
civilian administrator,
82
00:03:29,525 --> 00:03:31,318
but I couldn't help overhearing
83
00:03:31,402 --> 00:03:33,302
you're looking for some missing drugs?
84
00:03:33,696 --> 00:03:35,321
As it turns out, my friend here,
85
00:03:35,405 --> 00:03:36,823
Carlene, is a psychic.
86
00:03:36,907 --> 00:03:39,200
And she's ready to help you.
87
00:03:39,284 --> 00:03:40,910
I do palms, tarot,
88
00:03:40,994 --> 00:03:43,162
and I have a degree in
Numerology from the internet.
89
00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,498
DIAZ: Ugh. Really, Gina, a psychic?
90
00:03:45,582 --> 00:03:47,083
GINA: What? She's the real deal.
91
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:49,042
E.g., last week, she predicted
92
00:03:49,126 --> 00:03:51,837
I would have a sensuous encounter
93
00:03:52,046 --> 00:03:55,716
with a guy named Mark. And I did.
94
00:03:58,844 --> 00:04:00,888
Is anyone here named Mark?
95
00:04:02,348 --> 00:04:03,473
You're good.
96
00:04:04,224 --> 00:04:08,102
Okay? She has had visions which,
frankly, science cannot account for.
97
00:04:08,311 --> 00:04:11,856
Also, she can get you amazing
deals on ladies' footwear.
98
00:04:12,106 --> 00:04:14,776
She's Assistant Manager at
Leonard's Designer Shoes.
99
00:04:15,276 --> 00:04:16,277
CARLENE: Vision!
100
00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:18,237
The drugs are in a location.
101
00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:21,030
I see the color blue. She sees blue.
102
00:04:21,114 --> 00:04:22,615
-And yellow.
-[GASPING]
103
00:04:22,699 --> 00:04:24,242
And I see the letter "L."
104
00:04:24,326 --> 00:04:26,035
R-S-T-W-E.
105
00:04:26,119 --> 00:04:27,120
And "B."
106
00:04:27,579 --> 00:04:30,123
So, basically, everyone's first
eight guesses in Hangman?
107
00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:33,251
Thank you, Carlene.
Your entire life is garbage.
108
00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:36,962
So, Holt's coming on my stakeout now?
109
00:04:37,046 --> 00:04:39,006
I made a mix tape with
some very explicit rap on it,
110
00:04:39,090 --> 00:04:40,215
and now, I can't sing along.
111
00:04:40,299 --> 00:04:42,342
You made a mix tape?
Yes, I still listen to cassettes.
112
00:04:42,426 --> 00:04:43,761
This guy is all over me.
113
00:04:43,845 --> 00:04:46,929
I mean, a captain on a minor
vandalism case? It's insane.
114
00:04:47,013 --> 00:04:49,763
What's insane is how you
refuse to get with the program.
115
00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:51,642
There is a new sheriff in town, Jake.
116
00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:53,228
Well, I like the old sheriff.
117
00:04:53,353 --> 00:04:55,313
I mean, McGintley wouldn't
care about a messy desk,
118
00:04:55,397 --> 00:04:56,773
or all these stupid rules.
119
00:04:57,023 --> 00:04:59,423
-ALL [CHANTING]: Tase! Tase! Tase!
-McGINTLEY: Hey!
120
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,026
What the hell's going on here?
121
00:05:01,110 --> 00:05:02,403
Science experiment.
122
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,863
I want to see what happens
if I Taser this cantaloupe.
123
00:05:04,947 --> 00:05:05,989
Okay.
124
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:07,991
-ALL [CHANTING]: Tase! Tase! Tase!
-[TASER CHARGING]
125
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,425
-Ah!
-[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
126
00:05:09,785 --> 00:05:10,786
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
127
00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:11,869
[ALL GASPING]
128
00:05:11,953 --> 00:05:13,329
ALL [CHEERING]: Yeah!
129
00:05:14,998 --> 00:05:16,957
And McGintley wouldn't
care if I was three minutes late
130
00:05:17,041 --> 00:05:18,459
because he was always an hour late.
131
00:05:18,543 --> 00:05:19,544
And hungover.
132
00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:22,797
And he would let you do literally anything
you want if you gave him a hamburger.
133
00:05:22,881 --> 00:05:24,048
He let you play your mix tape?
134
00:05:24,132 --> 00:05:25,757
Okay. That's very funny.
135
00:05:26,008 --> 00:05:27,467
Get a iPod, man.
136
00:05:28,302 --> 00:05:29,303
Mix tape.
137
00:05:29,595 --> 00:05:33,098
I just want to apologize for
my fellow detectives' behavior.
138
00:05:33,390 --> 00:05:35,392
Okay, my granny also had…
139
00:05:35,809 --> 00:05:37,311
[WHISPERING] The gift.
140
00:05:37,895 --> 00:05:40,688
I feel that I will die soon.
141
00:05:41,272 --> 00:05:43,900
She was right. She died two years later.
142
00:05:44,191 --> 00:05:47,570
Your sincere belief in my
gift means a great deal.
143
00:05:48,029 --> 00:05:49,238
Vision.
144
00:05:49,947 --> 00:05:52,157
The woman you love,
the one you work with,
145
00:05:52,241 --> 00:05:53,783
the scary one with the black hair.
146
00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:55,243
Rosa? Yes.
147
00:05:55,452 --> 00:05:57,620
She doesn't love you back.
She will never love you back.
148
00:05:57,704 --> 00:05:58,746
[GINA CHUCKLING]
149
00:05:58,830 --> 00:06:00,081
Say, "Thank you," Charles.
150
00:06:00,165 --> 00:06:01,624
She just told you your future.
151
00:06:01,708 --> 00:06:02,959
Thank you.
152
00:06:10,215 --> 00:06:12,801
You left without me.
You were late. Again.
153
00:06:12,885 --> 00:06:15,387
Well, I had to put on my
undercover minivan disguise.
154
00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:18,349
Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom.
155
00:06:18,515 --> 00:06:22,769
CPA. Recently divorced father
of two with a dark sexual secret.
156
00:06:24,145 --> 00:06:25,312
What's your cover?
157
00:06:25,396 --> 00:06:26,564
Angry captain.
158
00:06:26,898 --> 00:06:29,734
Okay, so you do not like my ensemble.
159
00:06:30,026 --> 00:06:32,152
I'm just concerned that you
may find it hard to pursue
160
00:06:32,236 --> 00:06:34,488
a criminal on foot while
wearing man sandals.
161
00:06:34,572 --> 00:06:36,698
But the sandals define Harvey.
162
00:06:36,782 --> 00:06:38,200
He's a sandals guy.
163
00:06:39,910 --> 00:06:40,994
[SIGHING]
164
00:06:41,328 --> 00:06:43,580
Captain, why the babysitting?
Why are you micromanaging me?
165
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,123
You think I want to
be sitting here with you
166
00:06:45,207 --> 00:06:46,457
instead of running my precinct?
167
00:06:46,541 --> 00:06:48,241
Yes. It was a rhetorical question.
168
00:06:48,335 --> 00:06:51,712
I've spent the last 12 years
fighting for my first command.
169
00:06:51,837 --> 00:06:53,130
And I'm not going to let you screw it up
170
00:06:53,214 --> 00:06:54,798
because you refuse to
take your job seriously.
171
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,134
Hey, I do take my job seriously.
172
00:06:57,218 --> 00:06:58,969
I put away bad guys. That's what matters.
173
00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:01,221
Well, so does doing your
paperwork, showing up on time,
174
00:07:01,305 --> 00:07:03,848
wearing proper footwear…
That's on Harvey. That's not me.
175
00:07:03,932 --> 00:07:05,232
Well, so, here's the deal.
176
00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:07,643
You're going to have a
superior officer babysitting you
177
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:08,978
on every one of your cases.
178
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,479
And when you show me
that you can do your job,
179
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,358
every part of your job, perfectly,
180
00:07:13,817 --> 00:07:16,194
then, I'll back off.
181
00:07:17,361 --> 00:07:18,612
Okay.
182
00:07:18,696 --> 00:07:22,096
Counter offer, I give you 50 bucks
and you let me do whatever I want.
183
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,286
Fine. We'll do it your way.
184
00:07:26,370 --> 00:07:29,665
From this point on, I'll do
every part of the job perfectly.
185
00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:31,666
Perfecter than perfectly.
186
00:07:31,916 --> 00:07:34,668
It's, "More perfectly."
You said that imperfectly.
187
00:07:34,752 --> 00:07:37,255
I was testing you. You did perfectly.
188
00:07:38,006 --> 00:07:39,715
Quick update on the tagger situation.
189
00:07:39,799 --> 00:07:42,199
He is currently spray-painting
our van right now.
190
00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,636
Police! Freeze!
191
00:07:44,845 --> 00:07:45,887
Ow. Ow. Ow.
192
00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:48,014
Oh. Sandal down.
193
00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:49,099
Lost a sandal.
194
00:07:49,266 --> 00:07:50,559
NYPD! Freeze!
195
00:07:51,226 --> 00:07:52,519
I'm here.
196
00:07:53,353 --> 00:07:54,896
You're busted.
197
00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:56,480
I already got him. We got him.
198
00:08:01,277 --> 00:08:02,695
Oh. Hey, Captain.
199
00:08:03,821 --> 00:08:05,072
Hi. So…
200
00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,866
I was able to procure that $50 after all.
201
00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:09,493
And my offer still stands.
202
00:08:09,618 --> 00:08:11,578
Let me do whatever I want and the $40,
203
00:08:11,662 --> 00:08:13,712
that's how much I
actually have, is yours.
204
00:08:13,872 --> 00:08:14,873
No?
205
00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,457
Fair enough. I only had 30 anyway.
206
00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:19,001
Well, I guess, in order to get
you to stop micromanaging me,
207
00:08:19,085 --> 00:08:20,711
I'm going to have to get back
to the most important piece
208
00:08:20,795 --> 00:08:22,004
of police work there is.
209
00:08:22,088 --> 00:08:23,548
Writing a perfect report.
210
00:08:23,757 --> 00:08:25,216
Good. I'm anxious to read it.
211
00:08:25,550 --> 00:08:28,302
And I'm anxious to restore
my status as a lone wolf.
212
00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:30,387
[HOWLING]
213
00:08:32,181 --> 00:08:33,557
Anything else, Detective?
214
00:08:33,682 --> 00:08:34,724
Yeah, I'm going to do one more.
215
00:08:34,808 --> 00:08:37,352
[HOWLING]
216
00:08:37,519 --> 00:08:38,520
Lone wolf.
217
00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:43,858
He's digging me. [CLICKING TONGUE]
218
00:08:44,484 --> 00:08:46,934
Hey, Sarge?
Do you know where we keep the glitter?
219
00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:50,155
I just want to make sure this
report for the captain is extra sparkly.
220
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:51,615
What are you doing, Peralta?
221
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:54,117
Look, if I have to do things his
way, I'm going to do them my way.
222
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,119
[LAUGHING] Okay, man.
223
00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,288
It was nice working with you.
224
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,290
I'm not scared of him, okay?
225
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,875
I'm not scared of anyone.
226
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,836
Oh, also, the tagger drew
a penis on your minivan.
227
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,963
I'm sorry, please don't chase after me.
What?
228
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,547
There's a penis on my minivan?
229
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,466
SANTIAGO: High ceilings.
230
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:15,221
Three bedrooms. Why does every
perp have a nicer place than I do?
231
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,305
You know what they don't
teach you at the academy?
232
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:18,640
It's better to be a criminal.
233
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,809
Oh, no.
234
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,393
The cabinets are blue. Tacky.
235
00:09:22,477 --> 00:09:24,827
Not a deal breaker, though.
I'd just repaint it.
236
00:09:25,438 --> 00:09:28,638
The psychic predicted the drugs
would be found in something blue.
237
00:09:28,858 --> 00:09:30,860
[SLOW MOTION] I see the color blue.
238
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:34,870
She also made this really
depressing prediction about my life.
239
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,530
[SLOW MOTION] She
will never love you back.
240
00:09:38,033 --> 00:09:40,118
And if she's right about
where we find the drugs,
241
00:09:40,202 --> 00:09:41,661
that means she's right
about the other thing.
242
00:09:41,745 --> 00:09:43,580
Uh-huh. Kitchen.
243
00:09:46,792 --> 00:09:48,752
Whoa. Jackpot.
244
00:09:49,085 --> 00:09:51,086
There's way more than 12 keys in here.
245
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:52,296
Where was it?
246
00:09:52,588 --> 00:09:54,173
Baseboard, behind the hamper.
247
00:09:54,590 --> 00:09:55,799
What color was the hamper?
248
00:09:55,883 --> 00:09:58,010
SANTIAGO: Green. Yes.
The clothes hamper was green.
249
00:09:58,094 --> 00:10:00,221
The clothes hamper was green!
250
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:02,722
Drinks on me.
251
00:10:03,890 --> 00:10:05,090
[LAUGHING] You're weird.
252
00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:09,353
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Sorry this is taking so long.
253
00:10:09,437 --> 00:10:11,314
I'm still writing up my report.
254
00:10:11,398 --> 00:10:12,524
Pretty detailed.
255
00:10:12,858 --> 00:10:15,610
Hey, Gina, can you look up what
the humidity was about an hour ago
256
00:10:15,694 --> 00:10:17,110
and also what moon cycle we're in?
257
00:10:17,194 --> 00:10:20,447
No, sorry. Don't feel like it. No.
258
00:10:20,531 --> 00:10:22,199
Thanks, Gina.
259
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:25,369
And now, to you. What's your name?
260
00:10:25,578 --> 00:10:27,246
My name is Banana Fartman, MD.
261
00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:28,622
I don't believe you.
262
00:10:28,914 --> 00:10:30,623
Come on, man. Just tell me who you are.
263
00:10:30,707 --> 00:10:33,793
I need to fill this thing out perfectly,
so my boss will get off my back.
264
00:10:33,877 --> 00:10:35,252
Are you a minor? How old are you?
265
00:10:35,336 --> 00:10:37,172
I'm 610. I'm a Highlander.
266
00:10:37,547 --> 00:10:39,131
Okay, you know what?
I'm going to put that in there.
267
00:10:39,215 --> 00:10:41,258
And then you're going to be
tried as an adult Highlander,
268
00:10:41,342 --> 00:10:43,219
and they're going to cut your head off.
269
00:10:43,303 --> 00:10:44,595
Is that what you want?
270
00:10:44,887 --> 00:10:46,847
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
271
00:10:47,055 --> 00:10:50,517
but your psychic friend's predictions
about the drug case were wrong.
272
00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:52,853
Which means, all of her
predictions are wrong.
273
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:56,023
Mmm-mmm. No way. She's never wrong.
274
00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:58,941
We found the cocaine behind a
green hamper. Never said "green,"
275
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,025
or the letter "H."
276
00:11:00,109 --> 00:11:03,070
Mmm-hmm.
She said blue and yellow, Charles.
277
00:11:03,154 --> 00:11:05,280
I don't know if there's any
kindergarteners present,
278
00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:07,825
but those two colors combined make green.
279
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:11,662
She also mentioned
the letters "L" and "B."
280
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:14,789
And another name for a hamper is…
281
00:11:15,373 --> 00:11:17,417
Lady? Bin?
282
00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:18,960
Laundry basket.
283
00:11:19,044 --> 00:11:20,795
GINA: Oh, little boo-boo.
284
00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:22,796
Can you go be depressed over there?
285
00:11:23,381 --> 00:11:25,050
You're bumming out my whole area.
286
00:11:26,175 --> 00:11:28,010
Baby, I've got some bad news.
287
00:11:28,219 --> 00:11:31,096
Someone painted a
giant penis on our minivan.
288
00:11:32,848 --> 00:11:34,767
No, you cannot have an SUV now.
289
00:11:35,184 --> 00:11:38,020
Those things roll, baby! They roll!
290
00:11:38,145 --> 00:11:39,854
Hey, look at this.
291
00:11:40,313 --> 00:11:41,940
Your prints were on file.
292
00:11:42,190 --> 00:11:43,691
Nice to meet you… [CLICKING]
293
00:11:43,858 --> 00:11:45,193
Trevor Podolski.
294
00:11:46,194 --> 00:11:49,572
Oh, Podolski. Just like, uh, Deputy
Police Commissioner Podolski.
295
00:11:50,698 --> 00:11:53,493
Your father is Deputy Police
Commissioner Podolski.
296
00:11:54,576 --> 00:11:56,703
I'm not sure how things work here,
297
00:11:57,287 --> 00:12:00,123
but does that mean that
your career is in my hands?
298
00:12:00,290 --> 00:12:02,292
[CHUCKLING] Okay, you know what?
299
00:12:02,876 --> 00:12:04,044
Yes.
300
00:12:09,507 --> 00:12:11,342
-[BEEPING]
-20.2 kilos.
301
00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:13,302
I feel like we could round up to 21.
302
00:12:13,386 --> 00:12:16,221
Or we could round down to 20,
303
00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:20,142
take the extra 0.2,
sell it to our friends.
304
00:12:22,227 --> 00:12:23,478
[LAUGHING]
305
00:12:24,145 --> 00:12:26,147
I'll call the DA, Rosa, you log this in.
306
00:12:26,231 --> 00:12:27,857
Charles, maybe watch Gina.
307
00:12:28,024 --> 00:12:29,067
[CHUCKLING]
308
00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:31,317
So, what are you doing tonight? Nothing.
309
00:12:31,861 --> 00:12:34,281
What about you… Are doing tonight?
310
00:12:34,531 --> 00:12:35,531
Nothing.
311
00:12:36,991 --> 00:12:38,742
[WHISPERING] Carlene.
312
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,035
[MACHINE BEEPING]
313
00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:44,832
Well, I hope you find something to do.
[CHUCKLING]
314
00:12:45,124 --> 00:12:47,835
I'm going to pee.
That's what I'm doing tonight.
315
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:49,252
No.
316
00:12:52,422 --> 00:12:54,799
-Deputy commissioner's son, huh?
-[SIGHING] Yeah.
317
00:12:54,966 --> 00:12:57,635
His decision to target cop cars
makes a lot more sense now.
318
00:12:57,719 --> 00:12:59,169
We gotta let him walk, right?
319
00:12:59,804 --> 00:13:01,055
He defaced nine police vehicles,
320
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:02,889
and you caught him red-handed.
Why would you let him walk?
321
00:13:02,973 --> 00:13:06,810
[SCOFFING] Captain, I did
all the work on this perfectly.
322
00:13:06,977 --> 00:13:09,896
I mean, my report has over 25 pages
323
00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:12,441
of meticulous research,
diagrams, and maps.
324
00:13:12,899 --> 00:13:15,499
I even put an "About the
Author" section on the back.
325
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:18,237
I did everything you asked me to do, but
326
00:13:18,321 --> 00:13:19,863
this is above my pay grade.
327
00:13:19,947 --> 00:13:21,198
You gotta make the call.
328
00:13:21,449 --> 00:13:23,826
You're the arresting officer.
It's your call.
329
00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:26,912
I told you to do every part of your job,
330
00:13:26,996 --> 00:13:29,414
and making this call is part of your job.
331
00:13:29,498 --> 00:13:31,832
Yeah, but you think I should process him.
332
00:13:31,916 --> 00:13:32,917
Mmm-hmm.
333
00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:35,127
Well, if I do, the Deputy
Commissioner could ruin my career,
334
00:13:35,211 --> 00:13:38,422
and I'll end up on the streets selling
my beautiful body for a can of beans.
335
00:13:38,506 --> 00:13:39,591
Mmm-hmm.
336
00:13:39,841 --> 00:13:42,741
Has anyone ever told you,
"You look exactly like a statue?"
337
00:13:43,053 --> 00:13:44,054
Yes.
338
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:45,762
Man.
339
00:13:45,846 --> 00:13:47,896
You were totally right about the cocaine.
340
00:13:48,098 --> 00:13:50,684
And you were also right about Rosa.
Who's Rosa?
341
00:13:50,976 --> 00:13:53,561
The woman I…
The woman who doesn't love him back.
342
00:13:53,645 --> 00:13:54,854
CARLENE: Oh. Yes, that woman.
343
00:13:54,938 --> 00:13:58,565
You know, it can be a burden to always
know what's gonna happen in the future.
344
00:13:58,649 --> 00:13:59,858
Don't get out of the chair!
345
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:04,029
I just had a vision of you leaving
this chair and getting seriously injured.
346
00:14:04,113 --> 00:14:05,198
Oh, my God.
347
00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,700
I should probably wheel
you back to your desk.
348
00:14:07,784 --> 00:14:09,618
CARLENE: That is a great idea.
Wheel you off a bridge.
349
00:14:09,702 --> 00:14:10,953
[LAUGHING] I'm kidding.
350
00:14:11,037 --> 00:14:13,246
GINA: ♪ Oh, you're alone ♪
351
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,957
♪ Uh-oh, you're alone for life ♪
352
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:17,959
PERALTA: So, here are my options.
353
00:14:18,502 --> 00:14:20,670
One, I process Podolski's kid,
354
00:14:20,754 --> 00:14:22,380
he fires me, and I spend
the rest of my career
355
00:14:22,464 --> 00:14:25,300
as a Detective third grade,
which is literally pathetic.
356
00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:27,385
No offense, Hitchcock. None taken.
357
00:14:27,593 --> 00:14:31,138
Option two, I let him walk
and I spend the rest of my life
358
00:14:31,222 --> 00:14:32,681
with Holt as my babysitter.
359
00:14:32,765 --> 00:14:34,558
And honestly, when I think about
360
00:14:34,642 --> 00:14:36,727
spending the rest of
my life with a babysitter,
361
00:14:36,811 --> 00:14:39,230
she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica.
362
00:14:39,397 --> 00:14:42,064
And she always has pizza money
and lets me stay up as late as I want.
363
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,798
How old are you in this scenario?
364
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,985
Anyway, the point is,
Holt cares more about
365
00:14:46,069 --> 00:14:49,781
whether I "do my job right"
than whether I have a job at all.
366
00:14:49,948 --> 00:14:51,298
So, I'm taking suggestions.
367
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:52,992
I say piss off Holt.
368
00:14:53,076 --> 00:14:55,410
So we get to watch your
career end right in front of us.
369
00:14:55,494 --> 00:14:57,037
Okay. Thank you for that, Santiago.
370
00:14:57,121 --> 00:14:58,413
I'm going to put you
down for, "Don't arrest."
371
00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:01,458
And I'm also going to put your
phone number on every urinal in Rikers.
372
00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:04,210
Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard.
373
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,880
With a phone book on a body part no
one can see. You know what I'm saying?
374
00:15:06,964 --> 00:15:08,914
So, you're suggesting police brutality?
375
00:15:09,382 --> 00:15:11,032
[LAUGHING] I guess so, yeah. Why?
376
00:15:11,342 --> 00:15:12,468
Hey, Scully.
377
00:15:12,802 --> 00:15:14,136
Yeah. You want this collar?
378
00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:15,804
Paperwork's all done and it's perfect.
379
00:15:15,888 --> 00:15:17,807
The Podolski kid? Are you kidding?
380
00:15:18,015 --> 00:15:19,265
I just gave him my lunch.
381
00:15:19,475 --> 00:15:20,601
Okay.
382
00:15:20,977 --> 00:15:22,185
Boyle, what do you think?
383
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,936
I don't know, man. I'm lost.
384
00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:26,022
The universe is a
cruel and vexing puzzle.
385
00:15:26,106 --> 00:15:28,108
I'm at the whim of the cosmos.
386
00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,277
All right, I'm going to put
you down for, "Bummer."
387
00:15:31,361 --> 00:15:35,364
And you can hang out in
that category all by yourself.
388
00:15:35,573 --> 00:15:37,532
GINA: Hey, everyone.
389
00:15:37,616 --> 00:15:41,286
Hey, Jake.
There's a very sexy, angry official here.
390
00:15:41,370 --> 00:15:44,414
Deputy Commissioner Podolski.
He's asking for you.
391
00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:48,627
Very angry, elderly, sexy, furious.
392
00:15:50,044 --> 00:15:52,297
Well, my career is over.
393
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,591
See you at the bottom, Hitchcock.
No offense.
394
00:15:55,675 --> 00:15:56,718
No, none taken.
395
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:01,430
Deputy Commissioner.
396
00:16:01,514 --> 00:16:02,598
Where's my son?
397
00:16:02,682 --> 00:16:04,224
He is at my desk,
398
00:16:04,308 --> 00:16:06,476
enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water
399
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,187
and some chocolate I was
saving for a special occasion.
400
00:16:09,271 --> 00:16:10,772
Hey, Peralta. When you're done,
401
00:16:10,856 --> 00:16:14,109
could you help me wrap up this
massive cocaine bust I just pulled off?
402
00:16:14,193 --> 00:16:15,402
Thanks.
403
00:16:15,486 --> 00:16:16,860
Oh, Deputy Commissioner,
404
00:16:16,944 --> 00:16:18,028
didn't see you there.
405
00:16:18,112 --> 00:16:19,780
Sorry for interrupting.
406
00:16:19,864 --> 00:16:22,116
-Amy Santiago.
-[SIGHING]
407
00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:24,201
Trevor.
408
00:16:24,285 --> 00:16:26,329
What did you do this time? Nothing.
409
00:16:26,871 --> 00:16:28,872
There you have it.
He said he did nothing.
410
00:16:28,956 --> 00:16:31,124
So I caught him
red-handed, doing nothing?
411
00:16:31,208 --> 00:16:33,709
I'm saying maybe it's a
possibility you made a mistake.
412
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,169
You know, normally, I
would agree with you,
413
00:16:35,253 --> 00:16:38,047
but I've been pretty
detail-oriented the last few hours.
414
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:41,635
You might not understand
this, but Trevor is a special kid.
415
00:16:42,219 --> 00:16:44,719
He makes straight As.
He's going to Duke next year.
416
00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:45,971
Lacrosse scholarship.
417
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:48,057
Oh. Sometimes, boys
418
00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,517
just need to be boys.
419
00:16:50,059 --> 00:16:51,393
You do realize
420
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,479
he did thousands of dollars'
worth of property damage, though.
421
00:16:54,563 --> 00:16:57,691
To police vehicles…
Look, I think we can all agree
422
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,401
that I'm ordering you to let this slide.
423
00:17:00,860 --> 00:17:02,027
Because nothing happened.
424
00:17:02,111 --> 00:17:04,072
This is officially out of your hands.
425
00:17:04,614 --> 00:17:07,700
Would you actually mind
just checking out my report?
426
00:17:07,784 --> 00:17:10,912
It's pretty thorough, and I
spent over an hour on fonts.
427
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,412
Kind of snazzy. So…
428
00:17:12,496 --> 00:17:15,373
Oh, thank you. I'll get right to it.
429
00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:17,417
Thanks. Trevor, let's go.
430
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,378
Have a good one.
431
00:17:30,471 --> 00:17:31,556
Yes.
432
00:17:31,722 --> 00:17:32,973
What's up with the chair?
433
00:17:33,057 --> 00:17:36,394
Um, Carlene predicted
if I get out of this chair,
434
00:17:36,686 --> 00:17:38,980
I'd get badly hurt.
So, I'm not chancing it.
435
00:17:39,814 --> 00:17:42,440
Oh, man, there's no
more pudding cups left.
436
00:17:42,941 --> 00:17:45,026
Ah! What did you do that for?
437
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,696
There. Now, you're hurt in this chair.
438
00:17:48,363 --> 00:17:49,864
You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle.
439
00:17:49,948 --> 00:17:50,948
And if you do,
440
00:17:51,032 --> 00:17:53,582
it won't be because some
shoe salesman predicted it.
441
00:17:55,911 --> 00:17:57,621
You make your own destiny.
442
00:18:03,377 --> 00:18:06,227
Well, we don't have to worry
about Podolski's son anymore.
443
00:18:06,505 --> 00:18:08,964
The case is officially out of
my hands, no charges filed.
444
00:18:09,048 --> 00:18:10,800
Why is there yogurt on this?
445
00:18:10,925 --> 00:18:13,925
The Deputy Commissioner
threw my report in Terry's trash can,
446
00:18:14,178 --> 00:18:16,078
and he had been eating yogurt earlier.
447
00:18:16,222 --> 00:18:17,348
Terry loves yogurt.
448
00:18:19,392 --> 00:18:21,351
Something wrong? Kind of, yeah.
449
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,144
I called six precincts about this kid.
450
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:24,938
He's been brought in a dozen times.
451
00:18:25,022 --> 00:18:26,940
Theft, vandalism, drunk and disorderly.
452
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,316
But he's never been processed.
453
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,944
His daddy comes in and
bails him out every time.
454
00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:32,487
He's a lucky little jerk.
455
00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:34,155
No, I wouldn't say he was lucky.
456
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:35,781
I feel bad for this kid.
457
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,699
I mean, what kind of father
458
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:41,233
cares so little for his son that he
lets him get away with everything?
459
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,957
Well, he's someone else's
problem now, like you said.
460
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:47,043
It's out of your hands.
461
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,503
All right. I see what you're trying
to do, but it's not going to work.
462
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,505
I'm not going to arrest him.
I'm going to arrest him!
463
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:54,257
You want backup? Yes.
464
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,635
[SIREN WAILING]
465
00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,889
What is this? You can't do this.
466
00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:03,640
Get that thing out of here.
467
00:19:03,724 --> 00:19:04,891
Excuse me, sir.
468
00:19:04,975 --> 00:19:06,184
Trevor Podolski,
469
00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:08,812
you're under arrest for vandalism
and destruction of property.
470
00:19:08,896 --> 00:19:10,105
But Dad… What are you doing?
471
00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:11,481
I told you to back off, Peralta.
472
00:19:11,565 --> 00:19:13,441
First off, the name's Santiago.
473
00:19:13,525 --> 00:19:15,443
Detective Amy Santiago.
474
00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:17,570
Second, I'm arresting your son.
475
00:19:17,654 --> 00:19:19,363
Which, as I say it aloud,
476
00:19:19,447 --> 00:19:21,532
seems like an unwise choice.
477
00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:24,076
But it's the one I'm making.
478
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,203
Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.
479
00:19:26,287 --> 00:19:28,622
You're being stupid, Peralta.
Don't be stupid.
480
00:19:28,706 --> 00:19:30,291
I can make your life miserable.
481
00:19:30,375 --> 00:19:32,834
Commissioner, please don't
talk to my detective in that tone.
482
00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:34,627
If you have a complaint,
you can take it up with me.
483
00:19:34,711 --> 00:19:37,964
You just made yourself a
very powerful enemy, Holt.
484
00:19:38,048 --> 00:19:40,842
I'm going to be watching
you, both of you, like a hawk.
485
00:19:40,926 --> 00:19:43,303
You're going to have to try a
little harder if you want to scare me.
486
00:19:43,387 --> 00:19:45,637
I've been an openly gay cop since 1987.
487
00:19:45,721 --> 00:19:49,057
So, you're not the first
superior officer to threaten me.
488
00:19:49,141 --> 00:19:50,809
You know how I'm still standing here?
489
00:19:50,893 --> 00:19:52,769
Because I do my job.
490
00:19:52,853 --> 00:19:54,522
And I do it right.
491
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,690
Damn, son!
492
00:19:56,774 --> 00:19:58,608
Don't say "son." Sorry.
493
00:19:58,692 --> 00:20:00,805
PERALTA: Deputy
Commissioner, if you want to
494
00:20:00,889 --> 00:20:02,987
pick Trevor up, he'll
be at the Nine-Nine.
495
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,572
Let's go, Fartman.
496
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:08,784
Carlene was wrong, Gina.
497
00:20:08,868 --> 00:20:09,952
Rosa said it herself.
498
00:20:10,036 --> 00:20:11,787
I'm in charge of my own destiny.
499
00:20:11,871 --> 00:20:13,455
That means she wants me to make a move.
500
00:20:13,539 --> 00:20:15,540
Mmm, but Carlene was also right.
501
00:20:15,624 --> 00:20:18,126
You did get hurt because
Rosa punched you.
502
00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:21,129
And the fact that Rosa punched
you means she does not like you.
503
00:20:21,213 --> 00:20:23,882
No.
No, she punched me to prove Carlene wrong.
504
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:25,175
DIAZ: Move!
505
00:20:25,676 --> 00:20:27,009
Oh, wait, I take it back.
506
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,761
She definitely is into you.
507
00:20:28,845 --> 00:20:30,262
So much chemistry.
508
00:20:30,346 --> 00:20:31,973
I know. It's crazy.
509
00:20:32,181 --> 00:20:33,307
All right, let's get
this meeting started.
510
00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:35,435
PERALTA: I'm not late. I'm here.
511
00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:38,646
[ALARM BEEPING]
512
00:20:42,983 --> 00:20:44,526
Right on time.
513
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,819
You're out of uniform, Peralta.
514
00:20:46,903 --> 00:20:48,697
Baby steps, Captain.
515
00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:50,532
Baby steps.