1 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,804 But now, instead of a janky-ass sticky magnet, 2 00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:15,014 imagine that this is our spaceship. 3 00:00:15,014 --> 00:00:17,600 Since when can the ship split in half? 4 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,104 Also, why does it split in half? Is it ease of cleaning? 5 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,606 Making it in two parts meant that I could classify Avenue 5 6 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:24,899 as two half-mile vessels. 7 00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,735 Made me a substantial tax saving. 8 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,069 Jesus wept. 9 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:30,947 No, Jesus beat the shit out of the tax collectors. Look it up. 10 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,408 Or have Iris look it up for you, I guess. 11 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,577 So, if the ship splits, the missile can only hit 12 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:37,245 - one half, is that right? - (FINGERS SNAP) 13 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:40,123 No, no, no. No. We're talking about genocide. 14 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,124 Again! 15 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,001 It's not genocide if half of us survive. 16 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,419 All right, semi-cide then. 17 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,087 The missile is a real asshole. 18 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,964 It will go for maximum devastation, 19 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:50,759 so probably the back half where the engines are. 20 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:53,636 So, who decides who goes in which half? 21 00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:56,639 (SCOFFS) No. It's not a dictator's job 22 00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:59,309 to decide on a whim who lives or dies. 23 00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:02,645 It absolutely is, isn't it? 24 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,024 ♪ ("AVENUE 5" THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 25 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:15,575 ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 26 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,619 MATT SPENCER: Okay, here's how the algorithm works. 27 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:21,790 So, the AI algorithm delivers a rank for each passenger 28 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,875 based on their perceived value to the ship. 29 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:26,753 Knock, knock. Hello? Why was I summoned here? 30 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,213 Yeah, and why wasn't I summoned? 31 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:32,801 - Okay, so take Frank, right? - Hey. That's me. 32 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,677 The algorithm has tracked Frank 33 00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:36,471 from the moment that he stepped on the ship 34 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:39,182 and laughed at the very idea of the complimentary slippers. 35 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,059 They're basically free shoes. 36 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:44,479 Okay, so Frank produces two pounds of solid waste, 37 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:46,022 four pints of urine every day. 38 00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:48,566 He laughs on average twice a week. 39 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:50,401 Ah, I laugh more than that. 40 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:52,153 You do a lot of nervous laughter. 41 00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:53,196 (CHUCKLES) Exactly. 42 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:54,781 MATT: His testosterone levels are normal 43 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,157 for a woman in her seventies. 44 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:59,786 He has a 51 percent near-fatal embolism. 45 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:03,122 He has hairless feet, can't taste pears, etcetera, etcetera. Okay. 46 00:02:03,122 --> 00:02:06,376 And Frank's overall ranking is 832. 47 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,294 Thank you, Frank. You can go now. 48 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:10,880 What was that about an embolism? 49 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,841 KAREN KELLY: Don't stress about the embolism, Frank. 50 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,551 You'll give yourself an embolism. 51 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,387 Every single J on this ship is embedded with a camera. 52 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,597 It tracks, through our actions and demeanor, 53 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,558 our positive contributions to the ship. 54 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:25,186 It's my algorithm, but I promise to keep it fair. 55 00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,896 I love judging people. 56 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:30,024 So, we lure the lower-ranked passengers to the back, 57 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:32,610 then we split the ship in two and... mm, mm, mm. 58 00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:33,862 RYAN CLARK: A passenger pogrom. 59 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,531 There's gotta be a better way of doing it than this. 60 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,867 Look, we've always given machines the tasks 61 00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,202 that we can't handle, right? Defuse bombs, 62 00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:44,122 reset bowling pins, provide reliable orgasms. 63 00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,082 This is another thing that we should put 64 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:48,793 in the hands of a machine because ours are too shaky. 65 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:49,961 Okay. 66 00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:53,673 To use what is rapidly becoming our popular catchphrase, 67 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:56,926 fuck it. Let us temporarily suspend our humanity. 68 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,303 IRIS KIMURA: Great. 69 00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,929 - ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 70 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,599 RYAN: Passengers, today, the ship's computer 71 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,058 will be ranking all of us. 72 00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:06,603 And if you rank between one and 3000, 73 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,230 you will be rewarded with a first-class cabin. 74 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,191 Everyone else will be well provided for, 75 00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:13,484 so don't worry about that. 76 00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:15,653 Keep on smiling and you will win the day. 77 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:18,907 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES) ♪ 78 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,658 Well, at least half of you will. 79 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:23,328 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Did my ranking just go up? 80 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,914 The algorithm rewards cold-hearted decisions 81 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,583 - clinically made. - So it's a psychopath? 82 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,627 Well, it has Judd in its coding. 83 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,629 Well, if the algorithm is in charge, 84 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,422 I won't need the head warmer. 85 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:37,425 So, my followers all rank low because they follow me. 86 00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:40,720 So let's see how that's going. Oh. They've unfollowed me. 87 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,014 That was fast. You have to respect that. 88 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,266 - Fickle little bitches. (LAUGHS) - (DEVICE BUZZES) 89 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:46,726 How can my ranking be so low 90 00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:50,313 when I am 3D printing an actual human baby in my cooch? 91 00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,898 We don't need a bigger suite, though. 92 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,191 Babies are famously small. 93 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:56,110 Not in your family. You had a head like a refrigerator. 94 00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:58,112 Honey, like I told you, it was a bad angle. 95 00:03:58,112 --> 00:04:00,782 - In every single photo. - Well, my love for you 96 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,618 is even bigger than your freakish skull, Doug. 97 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:06,245 - (BOTH GIGGLE) - (DEVICE PINGS) 98 00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:07,872 Wait. Were you saying that 'cause you meant it, 99 00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,207 or were you trying to get a ping? 100 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,501 - Of course I meant it. - (DEVICE PINGS) 101 00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,503 MIA: Okay. That smile is freaking me out, 102 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,171 but I'm just gonna go with it. 103 00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:18,758 How can I be bottom half? Doesn't make sense. 104 00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:21,344 - I'm a good person. Fact. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 105 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,262 KAREN: Frank? Why have I gone down? 106 00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:25,640 FRANK KELLY: Sorry, I'm making bathroom. 107 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,017 Ryan compliments me all the time. 108 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,978 He says he never met anyone like me. 109 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:32,939 FRANK: That's a known British insult, honey. 110 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,066 - No, it's not. - FRANK: No, I think it is. 111 00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:36,985 - (DEVICE PINGS) - (FRANK LAUGHING) 112 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,195 - Don't nervous laugh me, Frank. - FRANK: Sorry. 113 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,491 - I'm going out. - FRANK: I'm almost done. 114 00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:46,619 ♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 115 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:50,248 - ELENA: Oh, wow, mi amor. - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 116 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,917 Wow. "A Traditional British Eelhouse. 117 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:55,169 - Eel-sy does it, Guvnor." - (CHUCKLES) 118 00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:56,546 Why are we eating here? 119 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,965 The camera-to-customer ratio is pretty high here. 120 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,384 And you lot could use a bit of a lift. 121 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,552 Is the food all eels? 122 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,220 (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Is it all eels? 123 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:07,056 Eating eels is what won us the Battle of Agincourt! 124 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:09,767 We thrashed Hitler's anus with a brace of eels. 125 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,060 - I don't like eels. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 126 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,187 Oh, nobody like eels. They're the celery of the sea. 127 00:05:13,187 --> 00:05:16,941 But just relax and embrace the authentic British smell 128 00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:18,568 of abandoned phone boxes 129 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,861 - and James Corden. - (DEVICE PINGS) 130 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:22,655 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hoity-ho and scupper me bollocks! 131 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,366 Let me show you luverly, luverly cunts 132 00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:26,868 to your shit and stable. 133 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,745 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) That means table. This way. 134 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:31,789 I think the C-word is considered affectionate in the UK, right? 135 00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:33,207 RYAN: Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. 136 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,501 - Sometimes makes it into the wedding vows. - (DEVICE PINGS) 137 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,880 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Here we are, the old cock and balls. (LAUGHS) 138 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,758 We'll have, uh, an "Eel-ivia Colman," 139 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,092 an "Idris Eel-ba," 140 00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,928 and an "Eel-ementary, My Dear Wats-eel" 141 00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,138 for the tab-eel. 142 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,057 WAITER: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Excellent choices, man. 143 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,059 ELENA: Why are you acting weird? 144 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:53,269 I thought the rankings were just a bit of fun? 145 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:56,731 Yeah, yeah. It's just-- it's just fun, cor blimey! 146 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:57,982 - (CHUCKLES) - (DEVICE BUZZES) 147 00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,859 Is that for your dreadful cockney accent? 148 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,277 Or 'cause you're lying? 149 00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:03,362 - No. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 150 00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:06,449 - It goes down when he lies. - (DEVICE PINGS) 151 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,950 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Eel-ivia Colman. 152 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,619 We deboned it for you. 153 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,412 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Means we took the bones out. 154 00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:14,165 - It looks like mashed up eyes. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 155 00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:15,958 RYAN: Hold your nose. Push on through. 156 00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:17,710 Or what'll happen? 157 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,504 - Nothing. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 158 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,464 Just as long as they don't force feed us. 159 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:22,632 Do we die? 160 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:30,264 - Of course... not. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 161 00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:33,601 Okay. Ryan, you need to tell us everything, right now. 162 00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,105 (DOOR CLOSING) 163 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,439 COMPUTER MATT: Welcome, Ryan Clark. 164 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:41,442 KAREN: Huh. Knew this software would be cheap. 165 00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,569 - Can you change your voice? - COMPUTER MATT: No. 166 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:47,031 Can you change yours? See? (LAUGHS) I have a humor chip. 167 00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:51,661 Mm. Okay, so let momma see what baby's been thinking. 168 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,913 Ryan's most used words. 169 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,541 RYAN: (OVER COMPUTER) Karen. Karen. Karen... 170 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,918 - (GASPS, CHUCKLES) Ryan! - COMPUTER MATT: Hey, do you want 171 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,837 - to expand context of... - RYAN: Karen. 172 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,547 - COMPUTER MATT: ...words? - KAREN: Oh, yeah, baby. 173 00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,423 RYAN: I'm talking about fucking Karen! 174 00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,008 - (GASPS) - RYAN: Honestly? 175 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,510 Being around Karen makes me feel 176 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,178 - like a teenager again. - Oh. 177 00:07:09,178 --> 00:07:10,638 RYAN: And I was deeply uncomfortable 178 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,432 as a teenager. Borderline suicidal. 179 00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:15,726 Christ, that woman is like a verruca 180 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:18,688 - on my blinking anus! - Well, that could be anyone. 181 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:21,983 RYAN: I'm talking about Karen, for fuck's sake. 182 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,317 - Dull and draining. - (GASPS) 183 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194 RYAN: Like a month of fucking Wednesdays. 184 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:27,238 I'll tell you who can fuck along nicely. 185 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,364 - Karen Kelly. - (GASPS) 186 00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:30,283 RYAN: Karen Kelly. I bet if you say that 187 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,869 in the wrong pyramid, your mouth fills with beetles. 188 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:33,911 KAREN: You S-head. 189 00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,163 RYAN: Honestly, that woman haunts me 190 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:39,333 - like a perfumed plague pit. - Shut the fuck up! 191 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,793 - (DEVICE PINGS) - PASSENGER: You deserve it. 192 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,545 - (DEVICE PINGS) - No, but I wanna buy this for you. 193 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,005 - (DEVICE PINGS) - I wanna buy it for you. 194 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:45,089 - (DEVICE PINGS) - (LAUGHS) 195 00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:46,632 That's so cute. (CHUCKLES) 196 00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:49,427 I bet a beautiful couple like you are ranking highly, 197 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,596 - am I right? - Uh, no. She's my sister. 198 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:52,722 RAV MULCAIR: Oh, shame. 199 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,390 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - I mean, not a shame, a waste. 200 00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:56,100 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - No. (LAUGHS) What I mean is, 201 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,685 I was gonna say you would have lovely children, 202 00:07:57,685 --> 00:08:00,438 but then, children of incest are plain looking, aren't they? 203 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,856 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - Not that yours would be. 204 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,232 - Yours would be lovely. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 205 00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,400 If you're planning to have them. 206 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,027 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - Shit. 207 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,112 Did you just tell them their incest children would be plain? 208 00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:09,989 Yes. Yes, that's what just happened. 209 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,866 You know, Rav, I think conversation 210 00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,201 isn't your natural medium. 211 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,203 I think you'd do better with a grand gesture. 212 00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,412 Like, a "you go girl" moment. 213 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,414 Okay, yeah, like 10,000 points for Rav. 214 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,374 Yes. Yes. As long as you're not talking, 215 00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,375 - I think you're-- Oh! - Oh. 216 00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:22,543 - After you. - (DEVICE PINGS) 217 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:23,628 - Hurry up. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 218 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,754 I'm sorry. Oh, shit. 219 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:25,922 (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 220 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,257 RYAN: You have five hours of ranking left. 221 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,675 Five hours. 222 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,346 (DEVICE PINGING) 223 00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:37,099 What are you doing? 224 00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:38,976 You just have to smile for the cameras. It's easy. 225 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:41,604 I know the intersection points where I can hit multiple cameras 226 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,273 at once. It's efficient and avoids cheek fatigue. 227 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,068 (DEVICE PINGING) 228 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:49,195 Uh, is it okay if I join you? 229 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,405 - Absolutely not. - (DEVICE PINGING) 230 00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:53,824 (DEVICE PINGS) 231 00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:59,205 You know, I say screw the rankings. 232 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,998 - I am not looking. - Yeah. 233 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:02,291 I don't... (SCOFFS) 234 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,585 (DEVICE PINGS) 235 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,130 - Or maybe we should... - Way ahead of you. 236 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,383 Four thousand four hundred seventy-two. 237 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,051 Five thousand three hundred and forty-seven. 238 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,803 I can't-- I can't believe it. I'm number two. 239 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,639 How--? Really? Oh, I'm so pleased for you. 240 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,599 - (DEVICE PINGS) - That makes me so happy. 241 00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:21,811 (CHUCKLES) Wait. Who's number one? 242 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,230 Who the fuck is better than me? 243 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,774 She's a real number two, all right. 244 00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:28,276 - (JAZZ CHUCKLES) - (DEVICE PINGS) 245 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,860 Looks like the algorithm likes your joke. 246 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:32,530 Does it find me attractive, too? Maybe I could take it to dinner. 247 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,948 - (JAZZ LAUGHS) - (DEVICE PINGING) 248 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,325 - You're on a roll. - Yeah, I think I'm gonna 249 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:37,660 head up to the bar. 250 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,328 CHARLES: I don't believe this. You told us 251 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,039 it was about where we live, not whether we live. 252 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:46,002 - I really did love you, Ryan. - (DEVICE PINGS) 253 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,839 Oh, my God. You actually did. 254 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,507 - I did, too. - (DEVICE PINGS) 255 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,551 I did wonder. 256 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,011 You always seemed to be two drinks short 257 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,721 of curling up in my laundry. 258 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,349 So, where do we go from here? 259 00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:03,936 - Uh, I don't know. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 260 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,690 Okay, por dios. 261 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:11,652 I love you both equally, but differently. 262 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:12,778 (DEVICE PINGS) 263 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,239 Well, this is a lot to take in. 264 00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:17,325 - (DEVICE BUZZING) - What? 265 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,994 (BOTH GRUNT) 266 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:23,706 - (PASSENGER 1 YELPS) - (PASSENGER 2 SCREAMS) 267 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:26,000 - (DEVICE BUZZING) - I-- I didn't do anything. 268 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,502 Unless I'm being penalized for existing. 269 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,713 (SCREAMS) 270 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:31,881 - (BABY CRIES) - (SCREAMS) 271 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,549 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - See, this has just tipped over 272 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:34,800 - into bullying. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 273 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,302 - I'm gonna have to sort this out. - (DEVICE BUZZING) 274 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,179 Guys, you know, I am getting so old. 275 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:40,431 You know, when I go to the toilet, I don't take a book. 276 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,683 - I take an encyclopedia. - (CROWD LAUGHS) 277 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,727 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Back in the game. 278 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,729 Now let me tell you about my brother, Larry. 279 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:48,898 I don't wanna say he's unhygienic, but my God, 280 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,441 the only time he washes behind his ears 281 00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,193 is when he's eating a slice of watermelon. 282 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,861 - (CROWD LAUGHS) - (DEVICE PINGS) 283 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,488 You ever wonder why the word "monosyllabic" 284 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,239 has five syllables? 285 00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,700 Huh? Boy, that kind of split the room. 286 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,870 Spike is gonna drop the mic and I'll be back in five. 287 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,372 Thank you. 288 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,332 Uh, number one stuck in your craw? 289 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:09,168 You know that old folk song, "Simply the Best"? 290 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,796 That's my funeral song. Not "Simply the Second Best." 291 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,214 You know why? 'Cause that's not a song! 292 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:16,759 - (COMMUNICATOR BEEPS) - Message. It's from number one. 293 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,720 "Meet me at Judd's statue." 294 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,347 How are we looking? 295 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,765 We're both trending below cannibal. 296 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,266 - (SCOFFS) What? - (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 297 00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:28,354 RYAN: You have two hours of ranking left. Two hours. 298 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,398 Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it, Doug. 299 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,651 - No, I'll think of something. - No, I think the baby's coming! 300 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,112 - It's too early. - It's not checking into a hotel. 301 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,823 It's literally coming out of my body right now! 302 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,908 - Oh. All right. Towels! Do we need towels? - (GROANS) 303 00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:42,910 No, fuck towels! I need drugs! 304 00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:44,912 Women want to be unconscious! 305 00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,831 (BABY CRIES) 306 00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:48,416 Hey, my hat! 307 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:51,877 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - Fuck. 308 00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:53,129 (DEVICE BUZZES) 309 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,548 Judd's ranking advice. Hi, how are ya? 310 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,883 I was told if I kept smiling, I'd be fine, 311 00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,927 um, but my ranking's lower than snake shit. 312 00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,470 I think it's because whatever's happening 313 00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,305 on your face right now isn't a smile. 314 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:04,432 - It's more like a smirk. - Oh. 315 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,684 I want you to watch me. See this? See this? 316 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,477 You see? You see what I'm doing right now? 317 00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,479 That's a fucking happy factory right there. 318 00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,106 There's thousands of people working up there 319 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:13,357 making nothing but joy. 320 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,360 - I'm smiling. - No. You maybe have 321 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,362 - minor nerve damage or something? - No. 322 00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:20,197 I would maybe get your hands on some Botox 323 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:21,449 and a disgraced surgeon. 324 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,869 Judd, your algorithm inexplicably despises me. 325 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,078 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - See? 326 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,497 It's actually a very simple system. 327 00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:30,332 It's, um... 328 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,501 - How do you turn it on? - Don't you use it? 329 00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,170 No. I can't be in my own app 330 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,838 because then it would achieve singularity. 331 00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,299 - You just press that down there. - Oh. 332 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,967 And let's just... 333 00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,511 Fuck. 334 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,889 - Are you low? - (SCOFFS) As if. 335 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,891 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - RYAN: (LAUGHS) That is very cheering. 336 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,684 The German word for what I'm feeling now 337 00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:50,519 is "Schitting Fantastiche." 338 00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,354 Okay, um, I could really use your help right now. 339 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:55,149 Could you maybe tell me some of your problems or whatever? 340 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,735 - I'd be doing you a favor. - (DEVICE PINGS) 341 00:12:57,735 --> 00:13:00,988 - So, I'm in love with a woman. - Which is great. 342 00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:03,866 - But she's married. - Which is... bad? 343 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:06,911 Well, y-- yeah. The marriage is complicated. The thing is-- 344 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,329 Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. 345 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,164 Is this a problem that I can solve with either money 346 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,583 - or aggressive legal action? - Uh, probably not. 347 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,001 Then this is not gonna work for me. 348 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,545 I need points, Ryan. I am desperate for points. 349 00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:18,214 - I will pay for points. - Christ. You're like 350 00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,466 an upturned turtle, aren't you? 351 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,551 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - I'll take the hit on that. 352 00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,011 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - RAV: Excellent. 353 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,221 Ooh, well done, you, sir. 354 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,431 You-- you-- Oh, fantastic! Everyone's a winner. 355 00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,099 - (DEVICE PINGS) - No, soccer's the winner! 356 00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,101 - (COUGHING) - Help! Somebody help! 357 00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:33,229 Oh, God, that man's choking! He's choking! Somebody help him! 358 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,480 - Somebody help him! - Rav, look at me. 359 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,898 Saving a life is a rankings bonanza. 360 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,650 - Oh, God. - Come on. 361 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,693 - I don't know what I'm doing! What am I gonna do? Help me! - Give him the Heimlich! 362 00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:40,903 - I don't know the Heimlich. - I know the Heimlich. 363 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,196 - No, no. She's got it. - Do I just pump him? 364 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,739 - Pump. Pump. - I'm here to help you! 365 00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:44,990 You're helping each other. 366 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,825 - I think you have to do it harder! - It's not work-- 367 00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:47,868 He's bloody heavy! 368 00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:50,371 She's saving him! She's saving him. 369 00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,292 Thanks. 370 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,921 Well, it's an easy mistake to make. 371 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,757 You know, a heart attack is often indistinguishable 372 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,925 from choking. 373 00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,426 Hey. Hey, let me help you with that. 374 00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:05,386 - No, thank you. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 375 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,720 - Let me help you with your bag. - No. 376 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,347 - (DEVICE BUZZING) - Please, please! 377 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:09,807 - No. - HERMAN JUDD: Fuck. 378 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,269 Hey, Iris. How are you? 379 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,645 That's confidential information. 380 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,356 - Damn it. - Everything okay, Iris? 381 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:20,442 The algorithm seems to have figured out my smile hustle. 382 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,653 Is the algo evolving? 383 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,739 Well, if it is, then we must evolve too. 384 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:28,826 Like how bears learned to dance. 385 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:32,746 Um, I would like you, Iris, to be my friend 386 00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:35,916 slash employee again. My friend-ployee. 387 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,961 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Did you say that for the rank? 388 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,713 - No. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 389 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,507 Yes. Yes. I said the friend thing for the rank. 390 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:46,844 And then I said that I said it for the rank for the rank, too. 391 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,387 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Okay. 392 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,222 For this to happen, you're gonna have to treat me 393 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,473 like a human being, because I am. 394 00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:52,683 You are like a human being. 395 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,185 I am a human being, damn it, and I want respect. 396 00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:57,396 - I respect you so much. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 397 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:03,652 Okay, I will do my best to make the respect happen. 398 00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:07,114 - (DEVICE PINGS) - You also need to drop all the lawsuits against me. 399 00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:08,991 - Even the fun ones? - Yes. 400 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,910 Okay. Okay. 401 00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:14,788 - Oh, man. I missed you, Iris. - (DEVICE PINGS) 402 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:17,291 - I missed you, too. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 403 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,126 - You lying fuck. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 404 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:20,502 - Goddammit, Iris. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 405 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,588 - You're really fucking me here. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 406 00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,715 ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 407 00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:27,343 BILLIE MCEVOY: Hello? Number one? 408 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,762 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 409 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:36,143 (CHUCKLES) So... oh. 410 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,939 The cream has risen. We are the cream. 411 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,651 - Be the cream. - (DEVICE PINGS) 412 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:46,195 What the fuck? You? 413 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,822 - The best of us is Mads. - (DEVICE PINGS) 414 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:53,661 You are two. I is one. We are three. Pronounced "free." 415 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,496 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Oh. 416 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,040 Oh, I see. No, no, no, it doesn't understand you. 417 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,751 You're just saying nonsense confidently 418 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,252 and you have cheekbones. 419 00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,672 Billie, don't overthink it. It's a very, 420 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,965 - very number two thing to do. - (DEVICE PINGS) 421 00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:08,759 Just accept that I am the king of this ship 422 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:11,679 - and you are basically my-- - If you dare say queen, 423 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:14,848 I will gouge out your tongue with my thumbs. 424 00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:17,685 No. I was going to say my jester. 425 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,603 Your jester? 426 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:22,940 Tongues are too slippery to gouge, you silly jester. 427 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,441 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Ugh, this is ridiculous. 428 00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,526 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - Oh! 429 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,611 You are the stupidest computer I've ever met. 430 00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:31,031 I'm gonna turn you off before you make me hate numbers. 431 00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:33,867 - (CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS) - (DEVICE PINGS) 432 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:38,038 I'm, uh, I'm actually bisexual. I've had sex twice. 433 00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:38,956 (CROWD LAUGHS) 434 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,500 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Spike slam. (CHUCKLES) 435 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,169 You know, people say to me, they say, "Gosh, was it scary, 436 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,338 walking on Mars?" I say, "I don't know. 437 00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:48,257 I had my eyes closed the whole time." 438 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,551 - (CROWD LAUGHS) - (DEVICE PINGS) 439 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,177 You know, my, uh, fourth wife... 440 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,303 - Fuck! - (DEVICE BUZZES) 441 00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,097 Okay, this-- here-- There's nobody in here. 442 00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:57,433 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - DOUG: See, that's not helping our rankings, honey. 443 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,560 Maybe you could just smile through the pain? 444 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,686 I hope your ass splits 445 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,229 - and a bus falls out! - (DEVICE BUZZES) 446 00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,731 I completely understand your hatred, honey. 447 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,065 - IRIS: I hear screaming. - (DEVICE PINGS) 448 00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:06,400 MATT: No, no, no. I can't get involved. 449 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,485 God, we're so fucked. Babe, can I hold-- I need to-- 450 00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:09,945 What are you doing with your hands? 451 00:17:09,945 --> 00:17:12,448 Oh, my God, the baby's coming. I've never seen a real birth. 452 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,741 I mean, aside from my own, 453 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,577 but that was a cesarian, so I missed the money shot. 454 00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,246 Sadly, I am a midwife only to disaster. 455 00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,707 What is this, cervix tourism? Two tickets to see 456 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,709 - a woman being split in half? - (DEVICE BUZZES) 457 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,294 (CHUCKLES) You mean like the ship? 458 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,587 The ship is being split in half? 459 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,963 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Yeah, so the missile-- 460 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:28,964 - Missile? - What? 461 00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:30,299 You know what? If you push hard enough, 462 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,301 you could suffocate Matt with a flying placenta. 463 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,303 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - Wait, is that why you're ranking us? 464 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:35,888 - No! No. - (DEVICE BUZZING) 465 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,639 Right, stand back. Here I come. 466 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,475 Auntie Iris gonna land this baby. 467 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,226 - I'm not shitting out a shuttle! - (DEVICE BUZZES) 468 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,853 - Just smile, like me. - (DEVICE PINGS) 469 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,480 I can't get involved because last time 470 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,148 I got involved in a medical emergency, 471 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,107 a bald man died. 472 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,776 Be uninvolved more quietly, please. 473 00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:50,110 MATT: But doesn't she need a doctor? 474 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,945 - Okay, baby. Smile! - IRIS: Push! 475 00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:53,405 - Smile! - Push! 476 00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,365 - (GROANS) - (WHISPERING) Sound happy. There are mics everywhere. 477 00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:57,326 Just picture stroking her squidgy little cheeks 478 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,453 - while she's sleeping. - I can't! I can't! 479 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,788 Fucking picture it! 480 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,080 (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 481 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,625 You have five minutes of ranking left. 482 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,543 - Five minutes. - (BABY COOS) 483 00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:08,295 I stepped back and you all flourished. 484 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:11,006 - Isn't that interesting? - If you said it, no. 485 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:13,383 - ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - DOUG: Oh, wow. 486 00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:16,345 - You're a mother, Mia. - (DEVICE PINGS) 487 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,639 - And I'm a father. - (DEVICE PINGS, BUZZES) 488 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,145 (DEVICE BUZZES) 489 00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:26,897 - RYAN: Karen! Karen! - (DEVICE BUZZES) 490 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:27,940 What are you doing? 491 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,192 KAREN: I'm fruit effing your rank. 492 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,779 You called me an anal verruca, and it hurt. 493 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,865 - You mind taking that off? - KAREN: You said you hated me. 494 00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,827 (SCOFFS) The algorithm was fooled by that? 495 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,162 - Look, I don't hate you. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 496 00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:43,539 - Yeah, I do hate you. - (DEVICE PINGS) 497 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,707 But there are tons of people I hate more than you. 498 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,584 Matt and Judd, they're the top ten 499 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,378 - all by themselves. - (DEVICE PINGS) 500 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,713 - Really? - RYAN: Yes. Look at you. 501 00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:53,966 You're intelligent. Relentless. 502 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,510 Not relentless. You're-- you're consistent. 503 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,886 And you get things done. 504 00:18:57,886 --> 00:18:59,513 Things that don't want to be done. 505 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,598 It's actually annoyingly brilliant. 506 00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:02,724 ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 507 00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:05,394 - But I-- I am sorry. - (DEVICE PINGS) 508 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,355 You know, we always hurt the ones we love. 509 00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,482 Yeah, that's not where this is headed. 510 00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:15,028 Hey. I'm your fruit monster. I'm sorry. 511 00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:16,405 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Oh. 512 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:19,700 - (GASPS) Points for Karen. Ah! - ♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪ 513 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,703 Can someone please explain to me why she's shitting around 514 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:23,871 and getting rewarded for it? 515 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,914 What kind of value system is that 516 00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:27,541 and how may I exploit it? 517 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:29,501 No, it's rewarding her apologizing. 518 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,421 The algorithm is learning to love a teachable moment. 519 00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,256 - (DEVICE PINGS) - So, wait a minute. If I... 520 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,384 If I were to call Matt, as I have many times, 521 00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:40,220 a dead-eyed masturbating parakeet, 522 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:42,639 and then apologize for it, "I'm sorry, Matt," 523 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,933 - I get points for that? - (DEVICE PINGS) 524 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:47,352 No need to apologize. I mean, I-- I'm flattered 525 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,354 you think I have the vibrancy of a parakeet 526 00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:53,066 or the energy to feather my cloaca to completion. 527 00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,276 (DEVICE PINGS) 528 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,486 I'm gonna go prepare my nest for impact. 529 00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:59,531 Doesn't that mean everybody's just gonna go full metal asshole 530 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,491 and then apologize to each other right after? 531 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,369 - Yeah? (GRUNTS) - (DEVICE BUZZES) 532 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:05,913 Uh, I-- I am so sorry, Spike. 533 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,706 - That was an error in judgement. - (DEVICE PINGS) 534 00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,082 - Fuck you! - (DEVICE BUZZES) 535 00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:12,002 I'm so sorry I said that, Jaden. I've grown so much since then. 536 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,129 - (DEVICE PINGS) - ♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 537 00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,632 FRANK: You are indistinguishable from my mother. 538 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,134 - I can't believe I married you. - (DEVICE BUZZES) 539 00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:20,177 Not now, Frank. 540 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,470 - See, I'm sorry. See? - (DEVICE PINGS) 541 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,722 - (GRUNTS) I'm sorry. So sorry. - (DEVICES PINGING) 542 00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,974 - (DEVICES BUZZING) - PASSENGER 1: Sorry! 543 00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:27,643 Another beautiful day in the neighborhood. 544 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,686 - PASSENGER 2: Sorry! - PASSENGER 3: (GRUNTS) Sorry, sorry. 545 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,355 I think we should shut the ranking off 546 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:32,940 - for the good of mankind. - (DEVICE PINGS) 547 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,441 Not because you're in the bottom half? 548 00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:37,110 No. No, 'cause actually, because I just said 549 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,779 that nice thing about mankind, 550 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,489 I'm actually in the safe zone again. 551 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,115 IRIS: Okay. You still want me to turn it off? 552 00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:43,951 - PASSENGER 4: Sorry! - No. No. 553 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,577 - (DEVICE PINGS) - Because, for whatever reason, 554 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,663 I don't feel very bothered by it now. 555 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,374 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - Goddammit. Uh, yeah. Yeah. 556 00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:52,292 I should shut it off. (SCREAMS) 557 00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:53,627 - (DEVICE BUZZES) - PASSENGER 5: Sorry! 558 00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:55,170 I now believe your husband may have been killed 559 00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:58,090 by his own heart whilst I was trying to save him from choking 560 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,176 on what turned out to be nothing. 561 00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:04,137 - Um, but never the, uh, less... - Let me be sorry! 562 00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,389 I-- I just wanted to say, 563 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:07,432 he seemed like the most wonderful, 564 00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:11,603 bulky man. I am so sorry. 565 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:13,981 - (DEVICE PINGING) - Oh, big upgrade! 566 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,774 - (PASSENGERS SCREAMING) - (DEVICE BUZZES) 567 00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:17,442 - PASSENGER 6: Sorry! - (DEVICE PINGS) 568 00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:19,069 COMPUTER VOICE: 569 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:21,196 Ranking complete. 570 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,368 - ♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC FADES) ♪ - (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 571 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:27,953 RYAN: Uh, this is just a reminder, 572 00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:29,246 you only have a couple of minutes left. 573 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:32,082 If you ranked between one and 3000, 574 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,834 please head for the front of the ship. 575 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,003 Everyone else, head to the back. 576 00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,422 - RYAN: Elena. - Ryan? 577 00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:41,216 I'm 3,942. What are... 578 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:42,551 What are you doing? 579 00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,302 - Here. - What is this? 580 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,765 - I love you, Elena. - I love you. 581 00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:52,269 Five thousand nine hundred and sixty-three is... 582 00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:53,520 Yeah, sorry, Charles. 583 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,188 Maybe I'll save you in the next life. 584 00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:58,191 - ELENA: Mi amor. - RYAN: Be safe, my darling. 585 00:21:58,191 --> 00:22:01,695 ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 586 00:22:03,780 --> 00:22:08,160 - Billie, you're joining us. - But you're number two. 587 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,496 Yeah, but we're engineers, so... 588 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,206 we should be with the engines, right? 589 00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:17,210 You're right. Yeah. Grease and math, my two pillars. 590 00:22:19,087 --> 00:22:20,380 How did you do in the end? 591 00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:22,174 Uh, it was good, but then bad. 592 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,925 Apparently, my jokes are offensive. 593 00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:25,969 I got complaints from bisexuals, 594 00:22:25,969 --> 00:22:28,597 people who don't know the meaning of the word "monosyllabic," 595 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:31,224 folks who are allergic to watermelon. 596 00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:33,435 DOUG: Looks like there's a dipes to clean. 597 00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:35,062 - (CHUCKLES) - You know, after this one, 598 00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:36,396 it gets all yellow and seedy. 599 00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:39,024 - Okay, well, that's unpleasant. - I'll deal with those ones. 600 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:41,276 Oh, I like Daddy Doug. 601 00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:43,236 That's why we got in the top half, baby. 602 00:22:43,236 --> 00:22:44,863 - I'll get the wipes. - (CHUCKLES) Okay. 603 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:48,700 - AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds. - Remember me. 604 00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,411 Tell my story. 605 00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:54,706 - Do not believe the accusers. - AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds. 606 00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,583 I've wished him away in the past, 607 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:58,627 but this is as sad as a graveyard sunset. 608 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,298 At least he'll live on through all this branding. 609 00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:04,633 I'll give him three minutes. 610 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,134 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds. 611 00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:08,804 Make way for King Mads of the front section. 612 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,807 Happy birthday to everyone who has a birthday. 613 00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:14,851 BILLIE: Hey, this is the back. 614 00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:16,061 What are you doing here? 615 00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,522 The algorithm peg you as an engine jockey? 616 00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,148 Yeah. 617 00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:22,484 Slammed you as an emotionally incontinent 618 00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:23,860 walking bald patch? 619 00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:26,696 - Exactly. - AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten seconds. 620 00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,407 - Ready? - (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 621 00:23:29,407 --> 00:23:35,080 Let bisection commence in three, two, one. 622 00:23:35,705 --> 00:23:37,249 (WALLS RUMBLING) 623 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,167 - PASSENGER 1: Wait! - (INDISTINCT CLAMOR) 624 00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:40,752 PASSENGER 2: There's a wall coming down! 625 00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,379 MIA: Oh, babe, I put them over here. 626 00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:46,842 No, Doug! The doors! The doors! Doug! Doug! Doug! 627 00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:51,429 - (DOG BARKS) - Buddy! Buddy! 628 00:23:51,429 --> 00:23:54,599 There's a big-ass missile locked onto this side! 629 00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:57,435 Lock onto me if you wanna live! Ah! 630 00:23:57,435 --> 00:24:00,856 (PASSENGERS YELLING) 631 00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:14,411 (LAUGHS) You can never thank me enough! 632 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,705 I'm a space Moses! 633 00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:18,206 - (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) - Listen, 634 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:21,209 there is indeed a missile coming towards the ship, 635 00:24:21,209 --> 00:24:23,545 and I have to tell you now that it is most probably 636 00:24:23,545 --> 00:24:25,130 aiming for the back of the ship. 637 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:27,007 - (ALL GASP) - RYAN: Where we are. 638 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,884 AUTOMATED VOICE: Sixty seconds to division. 639 00:24:28,884 --> 00:24:30,719 All the bodies that Judd took over there 640 00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:32,137 means more body heat in the front, 641 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:33,889 so the missile probably hits them now, right? 642 00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:35,974 - AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds. - Yeah, I think so. I mean, 643 00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:37,642 it's programmed for mass destruction. 644 00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:39,895 It's a real mass-hole. 645 00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:43,940 Right. I don't care if the whole ship hears. 646 00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:45,275 I love you, Elena. 647 00:24:45,275 --> 00:24:47,485 - AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds. - I love you so much, 648 00:24:47,485 --> 00:24:49,988 and it's an honor, truly, to lay down my life 649 00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:52,324 - for you and for-- - BILLIE: (WHISPERING) Ryan. 650 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:53,658 Sorry, just one second. 651 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,037 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds. 652 00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:02,542 Judd! You... gurning hemorrhoid. 653 00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:07,589 You've just taken a giant J-shaped shit on my sacrifice! 654 00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:09,132 AUTOMATED VOICE: Twenty seconds. 655 00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:10,467 Elena, I'm sorry 656 00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:13,094 that this is the last thing you're gonna hear me say. 657 00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:14,763 AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten... 658 00:25:14,763 --> 00:25:16,598 I mean, there were some really lovely bits 659 00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:18,975 for her to think about. 660 00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:22,771 AUTOMATED VOICE: Five, four, three, 661 00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,899 two, one. 662 00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:27,692 (RUMBLING) 663 00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:31,404 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 664 00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:34,824 - MIA: Doug! Doug! - Mia? 665 00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:37,118 MIA: Support the head! 666 00:25:38,286 --> 00:25:39,287 Mia! 667 00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:46,670 PASSENGER: Buddy! 668 00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:52,842 MIA: What's going on? 669 00:25:58,223 --> 00:25:59,516 - RYAN: Elena! - CHARLES: Elena! 670 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:03,103 - RYAN: Elena! - CHARLES: Elena! 671 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:13,780 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ 672 00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:04,998 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪