♪ One, two ♪
♪ One, two, three and… ♪
-[guitar music playing] -[man scatting]
♪ Swim in the ocean ♪
♪ Sharks in the sea ♪
♪ Nantucket Island way for me ♪
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
♪ Rent a bike in the morning ♪
♪ What a way to spend the day ♪
♪ In the evening when the sun go down ♪
♪ There's always places To wine and dine ♪
[man scatting]
[videographer] Mrs. Winbury, any advice for your three sons?
-These… -Why do we all have--
…are the loves of my life.
And I'm losing you.
And I've lost one.
But this one, never. Never getting married, ever.
-Don't worry. -Staying at home.
It's a hard market for whiny bedwetters.
Dude, come on. Cut it out.
-I was joking, Thomas. -Come on. He is a bedwetter.
-Be nice. Pretend to be nice. -I was four years old.
-[upbeat music playing] -[Greer chuckles]
-Come on. -Okay. Good enough.
♪ What's the sense in sharing ♪
♪ This one and only life? ♪
♪ Endin' up just another Lost and lonely wife ♪
♪ You'll count up the years ♪
♪ And they will be filled with tears… ♪
[Merritt] Hi, Amelia!
-You're Merritt, right? -Yes.
Maid of honor at your service.
So today was the first day of the rest of your life with Benji,
and this is how much I love you.
-Hi, future us! -Hi!
We're probably watching this together.
-100%. -You mean, between us on the couch.
Well, duh, I'm moving into the guest room.
-And where am I in this scenario? -Watching our seven kids.
-[Shooter] Whoa. Is that a best man duty? -Ten!
-Ten? -Eleven.
Six. Six, and a dog?
Six and a dog? Deal.
I hope you're ready to get fucking lit tonight, bro,
'cause tomorrow you are officially off the market.
-True. -[Will] Yeah.
Well, so is she. She has a higher price-to-earnings ratio.
You know what the fuck you're talking about?
[Abby] Married to you I should, right?
[Shooter] To the future.
-To the future. -Future.
-Cheers. -Hey, Gosia, you wanna mind your charge?
-Mr. Will, you're not old enough. -Hey!
But I am.
-Cheers, Gosia. -Cheers, Gosia.
Isabel, you have arrived.
-How was your journey? -Greer!
Oh!
Well, uh, my hotel is dégoûtant.
Oh! I told you, you should've stayed with us.
Oh. You know I like my privacy.
But you're practically family, and it's more comfortable here.
-Ignore me, I'm grumpy. -[laughs]
[man] It's good to be here.
Thomas, take care of Isabel.
Greer? Greer, I need your help.
Ah! He's obsessing.
And how is the champagne?
Oh, a little warm.
Hmm. Would we prefer something maybe a little stronger?
Yes, we would. Something a little spicy.
-Hmm. With pleasure. -Mmm-hmm.
Don't need to hear about this,
-you really don't. -The next morning, the telegraphs are--
We are so, so thrilled for both of you.
To Benji and his beautiful bride.
[videographer] Mr. and Mrs. Winbury,
any words of wisdom for the bride and groom?
Oh, come on. Yes.
If you are half as lucky as your mother and I have been,
you will have a very long and a very, very happy marriage.
-Cheers, B. We love you. -We do.
We love you. We love you!
[videographer] To the bride and groom. Happy wedding eve!
Hi! Happy wedding eve!
Happy wedding eve! I love this woman to death.
You get that? To death.
[people whooping, cheering]
[woman screams]
[woman] Help me!
[screams]
[birds chirping]
-[telephone ringing] -[snores]
[indistinct chatter]
[grunts]
Nantucket Police. This is Deputy Carl.
Where?
[telephone ringing]
[telephone continues ringing]
[sighs]
[phone beeps]
-Yeah. -Hey, Chief. It's Carl.
-What's up, Carl? -We got a floater.
[sighs in exasperation]
Well, happy Fourth of July weekend to you too, Deputy.
Chloe.
[knocking at door]
Hey. I think your catering job's gonna be canceled.
Canceled? Why?
[Dan] No one's getting married today.
Somebody died.
What? Who?
I gotta go.
[door closes]
[birds squawking]
[indistinct police radio chatter]
[Roger] I got here just after 6:00.
I always check my venues, you know, first thing,
to make sure that the rentals were delivered,
and she was just there, over the body, just numb.
Chief Carter.
Officer Henry. Dan Carter. This is Roger Pelton, the wedding planner.
Detective Henry, but you knew that.
So, Roger, this is the babysitter the DA sent over.
First time in a helicopter?
No, just need some coffee.
There was no in-flight meal service.
[both chuckle]
So did you get to know Miss Sacks well, planning her wedding?
To tell you the truth, I mostly dealt with Greer.
[Henry] Uh, Greer…
Garrison Winbury.
-And this is her home? -Mmm-hmm.
The property's been in her husband's family for five generations.
There used to, uh, used to be a lot more land with it.
-What happened? -[Roger] Classic American tragedy.
Boozy black sheep gambled it all away.
Yeah, well, clearly not all of it.
Thank you, Mr. Pelton.
[birds squawking]
-Mr. Pelton, please sit down. -Okay.
-The detective will be right with you. -All right.
[door closes]
-[door opens] -The detective will be with you shortly.
[door closes]
Thank you.
The Winburys' home, Summerland,
just a cozy $40-million cottage by the sea.
Mrs. Greer has a gift-wrapping room.
But I wrap all the gifts in my room.
[Roger] Oh, they're rich.
"Child sex ring on a private island" rich.
"I'm bored. Let's go buy a monkey" rich.
"Kill someone and get away with it" rich.
♪ Lock me up 'cause I've been bad ♪
-♪ And I know I'll do it again ♪ -[siren wailing]
♪ Through lies, real lies ♪
-♪ We're gonna get real wild tonight ♪ -♪ Come on ♪
♪ Anything that feels this good ♪
♪ Well, it must be illegal ♪
♪ Must be illegal ♪
♪ Call us criminals, criminals, baby ♪
♪ Call us criminals, criminals ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[all cheering]
[Amelia breathing shakily]
[knocking at door]
Miss Sacks?
I'm Detective Nikki Henry. This is Chief Dan Carter.
We just have a few questions for you.
Why are you wearing your wedding dress?
[Amelia exhales]
The wedding wasn't supposed to start until later today.
Can you tell me how you got that cut on your foot? Miss Sacks?
-Do you remember how you got that-- -Hey…
She's in shock.
I have some hot tea for you.
We'd like to know what happened yesterday.
[breath trembling]
"Good morning, wife to be! I love you."
Oh.
[birds squawking]
Can we make sure all of the chairs are brought through?
Not just those, all of them, I need them by the house.
-And the wine is at the gate. -Okay.
That's what they say.
Uh…
Amelia.
Didn't I give you a family robe to wear?
Yeah, you did.
There was a ladybug.
A what?
A ladybug.
I see. [chuckles]
[indistinct chatter]
-[sighs] -[Isabel] Greer.
She's, like…
She has a, how would you say, comment est-ce qu'on dit ça…
[in English] A broom?
Uh, no, a stick.
A stick in her asshole.
[Gosia] Are the boys afraid of Mrs. Greer?
[laughs]
Of course.
All three of them.
But without fear, there can be no control.
[Greer] Gosia?
We'll need to call Katja at the nursery
and switch out the peonies for the roses in this heat.
Yes, Mrs. Greer.
-Morning. -Great.
If it comes down to it, I saw some decent carnations
at the Stop and Shop on Salem.
What?
-I'm kidding. -Oh. Funny.
Good morning, funny girl.
You look great in this.
I'm sure whatever we end up with will be great.
Don't sweat the small stuff, GG Dubs.
[Benji] Yeah, Amelia never sweats the small stuff.
Which is why she's marrying you, pencil dick.
[Amelia] Hey!
-Okay. Childish. -Don't waste good carbs.
Hmm. Wedding dress be damned, huh?
Gosia, could I have my chia pudding, please?
It's in the…
There you go. Ask, and you shall receive.
[speaking indistinctly]
Thank you.
-Party mix. -Yum.
[Benji] You realize half of those are vitamins, right?
But which half? That's the fun.
[Benji scoffs]
Will, prescription roulette? You want to throw some Addies in the mix?
[Will] I sold all mine.
What a gorgeous gaggle of wayward children.
[Greer chuckles]
Thank you.
-And your juice, Mr. Tag. -Thank you, Gosia. Thank you.
[Greer groans]
You all right?
[Greer] Pretty frazzled, there's a lot to do.
Look at this.
-You work so beautifully. -Come on.
-Tag, you're wet. -I know.
No, you're gonna… Please!
[Tag] Listen to me, it's all going to be perfect.
Because you have made it so.
And then they're all gonna be in awe of you.
[Greer] I see. Okay.
Guys, please. A little consideration for young Will.
Daphne just broke up with him.
-She did? -[Amelia] What?!
Oh, come on.
She dropped you like a wet shit, my buddy.
It was mutual, and it's not a big deal!
-Thank God. -[Thomas whoops]
[Greer] Uh, Will?
-[Thomas] It's true. -[Will] What?
-[Thomas] Oh, my God. -Stop it!
It's true. You said she was a bitch.
[Greer sighs] She is a bitch.
Will.
Will, I did not say she was a bitch.
[cell phone ringing]
Merritt again?
Yeah.
Maid of honor. Mmm-hmm.
Mmm, separation anxiety.
Yup.
[chuckles] I'm just going to take this.
[Abby] Mmm-hmm.
Which one was Daphne?
-Big nose, small tits. -Tom!
Freakishly tall.
-The volleyball player? -That's the one.
That's a shame, I liked her.
In Mr. Tag's green juice, I put kale for fiber,
almond milk for protein, apple for sweetness,
and vodka for fun.
Gosia wants to fuck Tag so bad.
I bet she rubs one out to that little, baby picture of his
she keeps next to her bed.
[Roger] Mmm.
Daddy.
He is a lot of things,
but I'll tell you one thing he definitely is,
and that is fuckable.
I'd fuck him.
Well, I…
I probably have.
Tag Winbury, DILF.
[squawks]
[Greer] Carol?
So sorry to keep you waiting.
-No, no. Don't you mention it. -Hectic morning.
I understand.
-I come ring-bearing. -[sighs softly] Thank you.
-Mmm-hmm. -Oh!
Perfect.
-Simple, understated. -Love it.
-Mmm. -Um…
Darling?
-You didn't like it? -Didn't like what?
The bracelet.
Tag spent so much time picking it out for you.
The gold, little bangle with the dainty, little, pavé diamonds.
-Oh! The bracelet! Yes, of course. -Yes.
-No, I love it. I love it. -The tiny, little, gold bangle. Oh, good.
-Good, good, good. -Um…
-I have a million things to take care of. -Of course.
-So, uh… But let me… -No problem.
-Anyway, I have to rush. -Absolutely, darling.
Gosia will see you out, and I'll call you next week.
Okay, good luck tomorrow.
[sighs]
Oh, God.
-Hi. -Uh, hi.
Hi. [exhales sharply]
You okay?
Uh, yes, yes, I'm fine.
Just taking care of some things for your father.
-Um… -Do you have a minute?
Of course, darling.
Uh…
Um, okay, so, this morning,
I… I don't think you were very nice to Amelia,
and I would like you to try harder, please.
[sighs] Me? Try harder? Come on.
Come on, Ben. She's the one running around in her bra and her underwear
and I'm talking about just, like, presenting your…
Showing an interest in your in-laws.
Respectful.
Okay, look,
yes, she is, she is different from you guys, right?
But she cares what you think.
She just doesn't place value on the same things that you do.
What same things?
I… I don't know, like, uh, who you went to school with,
or what color the front door is,
or whether you're on the guest list for Malia's wedding on Martha's Vineyard.
Oh, so, Malia Obama's getting married? Fantastic, huh?
-Great. -As I said, she's different.
-But her parents did a great job. -[scoffs]
And… And it was them against the world.
And… And I think that's--
What, as opposed to your parents? As opposed to us?
You don't think we've done a good job? Come on.
Occasionally, sure, yes. But that is not my point.
[sighing] Oh, Benj.
Look.
It is clear that you adore her.
I want some reassurance that she's equally adoring of you.
It is literally the rehearsal dinner today.
-Mmm-hmm. -What…
-What more-- -Do I have to say this?
When I came here,
when I came to Nantucket to meet your father's family,
you want to know what I did?
I went out, I bought a whole new wardrobe.
I… I learned to crack a lobster.
I… I studied Tom Wolfe.
I mean, I… I can… I can tell her to… To try harder.
No, I'll get her to dress fully in the morning.
-I'm sorry. Benj, listen to me. -Make her read Bonfire of the Vanities.
I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care if she went to Harvard or the University of Miami.
It's the Miami University of Ohio, Mom! Okay?
It has the best zoology program in the country,
and she went there on a full fucking scholarship!
I didn't know that. You want to know why?
Because she never chose any sort of interest in participating,
in being a part of your family.
I care that she loves you.
[scoffs] Wow. Uh…
You chose today. Sure. Uh…
Well, silly girl. I guess she thought that marrying me would be enough.
[Greer] Well, let me tell you, it isn't. It really isn't.
Not in the long-term.
-Okay. -Okay.
[breathing deeply]
God damn it, Greer. Shut the fuck up.
[sighs wearily]
-[breathing heavily] -[cell phone ringing]
Hello, Enid.
Greer, darling.
I don't want to keep you. You have the wedding tomorrow.
But I wanted to check, you're all set for your book launch next week?
You and Tag are prepped for the interview with People Magazine?
I believe the headline will be "The Perfect Couple."
I've been thinking about all of this, Enid, and I just…
I actually would like to distance ourselves
from all the "perfect couple" obsession. It's ridiculous.
We all need something impossible to aspire to, that's why we read fiction.
[Greer] I don't know why they're even interested anymore.
We've been married for a hundred years.
They're interested because you've been married for 29 years.
You're their real-life Dash and Dolly. It's part of your mythology.
I see.
Greer, are you all right?
All right. Have to go. [sniffles] Thanks, Enid.
[cell phone ringing]
[ringing stops]
I can't say if Greer knew, or if she didn't know,
but if she did, she never would've let on.
She keeps her cards very close to the vest.
You never know quite where you stand with Greer.
I mean,
beneath,
sure.
But…
I would do anything for her.
Well, not anything.
But a lot.
She's amazing.
[Amelia] Thanks for coming with me to pick up my parents.
[Tag] No, I'm happy to.
I want them to feel welcome, it's important.
-[ship horn blares] -[birds squawking]
[Amelia sighs] I hope they made it on.
With her cancer,
my mom doesn't really have a mind for details these days,
like departure times or anything.
My dad's just too busy taking care of her.
I'm sure he would've called. They'll be here.
Um, about my mom…
She's really self-conscious about everything.
Um, she never really takes her wig off.
I think she feels like if she does,
then everyone will notice that she's sick.
I promise I won't mention the wig.
Great.
Let me ask you something. Does your mom smoke?
What, like pot?
-Yeah. -No.
-Gummies? -No.
Has she ever tried CBD?
-I don't think so. -Oh, my God. No one's told her about that?
You know, it's a natural painkiller.
Yeah. When my dad had prostate cancer, we used to grind it up in his cereal.
Oh! There they are! Mom! Dad!
-Honey! -Mom! Dad! Hi!
-[Bruce] Hey, bug! -The bride! Here comes the bride!
[both laughing]
-Hi, honey. -Hi, sweetheart.
-You're here! -[Karen] We made it.
-Yeah, we made it. -Mom, Dad, you remember Tag?
-Hi. -[Karen] Oh! So good to see you again.
[Tag] Nice to see you too.
Bruce.
-Shall we? -Sure.
-Let me grab that. -Oh! Leave it.
I'll take it.
-How was your trip? -[Bruce] Good, good.
Yeah?
-Was there a big lineup at the ferry? -[Bruce] Oh, there was. Yeah.
[Karen] Oh, look at this. Is this it?
-This is the house? -[Amelia] Yeah.
Summerland, huh?
-[Bruce] Hey, there he is! -[Karen] Hi!
[Benji] How's it going?
-Good, we're okay. -Hi, Benji.
Welcome! Hello, Bruce.
-So glad you're here. -Hi, Greer.
-Hello. -Good to see you.
-Karen, I hope the trip wasn't difficult. -Hi, I'm Abby.
-No, it was wonderful. -[Bruce] Pleasure.
-Oh, thank you. -[Abby] Hi.
Um, I… I wanted to bring this for you. I mean, well, for all of you.
-How nice. For all of us. -[Bruce] You're welcome.
-I'm Abby. -[Karen] Oh, hi.
I'm so happy we could rearrange our plans for the Fourth to be here.
And if the weather holds up, maybe we can take a little trip into town later?
Absolutely. Are you a golfer, Bruce?
No, I'm not a golfer.
Well, you could probably pick it up, hon. I mean, he's really athletic.
I don't think it's something you pick up, but come on, Will.
We have a light refreshment.
-We have drinks for you. -[Bruce] Wow, it's like a hotel.
We made, uh, blackberry martinis.
-It's a mojito. -[Karen] Mojito?
It's kind of like a wine cooler, but better.
-It's nothing like a wine cooler. -Shut up, Tom.
-You'll like it, Mom, try it. -Okay.
Um, the folks back at the Y, they're gonna want a picture.
Do you think maybe…
-Yeah! Come on! -Absolutely.
Thank you.
Would you like to do it in front of the house?
-Yeah, that'd be great. -Hey, everybody get in. Everybody get in.
-Make it a group shot. -[Bruce] Yeah.
Will. Okay, say cheese!
[all] Cheese!
-Got it. -[Bruce] Thank you, sweetheart.
Maid of honor in the house!
[both shrieking and laughing]
[Amelia] I miss you so much and I haven't even left yet.
Hey. Best man in the house.
-Hey! -How you doing, dude?
-I'm good. -You good?
-I'm fucking great. -You all right?
Uh, yeah.
-Hey! -Shooter.
Psyched to be the best man? I know I would be, if I'd been asked.
It's not like you were my best man.
Oh, well, you were, but, hey, it's fine. It's all good. It's okay.
You're… You're the worst man, so…
-It's funny. Good one. -Don't be sore.
Shooter, I didn't know you guys were traveling together.
Oh, well, he was on the taxi stand and, uh, mooched a ride off me.
[Thomas] Hard labor for the groom.
Shoot, do I get a hug?
Hey, there's the Moose!
-Oh! -Thank you.
-Elaine? Take it away. -Yes, ma'am.
We moved up the wedding to accommodate Mrs. Sacks' dying schedule,
and she brings grocery-store bananas. [scoffs]
It's the day of the rehearsal dinner, y'all!
Can you believe it?
I'm here at this sick pool,
so stay tuned because I'm coming back with some really exciting updates.
Hey, um, Shooter.
-Take a picture with me. -[chuckles]
-[cell phone ringing] -Oh!
-Don't answer that. -DL?
It's just this guy I was low-key hooking up with.
A code name, not his real name. Nobody uses real names.
-Yeah, everybody knows that. -Yeah.
Okay.
-Okay. -Are you okay?
Yeah. What, do I…
His girlfriend just broke up with him.
Dude, come on, it clearly wasn't working and so we made a mutual, like…
What? No, that doesn't make sense.
I'm gonna kill her. She sounds like an idiot.
-Will you take a photo with me? -Yeah, yeah.
Do you mind?
-Girls your age are just my demo. -[chuckles]
[camera shutter clicks]
Okay, I'm gonna laugh really hard like you said something really funny,
-'cause girls like funny boys. -[chuckling] Okay.
-Let's see, is it cute? -That's cute. Here.
-Aw, this is so cute! -[chuckles]
Can I tag you?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay.
-Will. -Yeah?
[chuckles] Come on.
Your shoes are really cool.
Thanks.
-All right, I'll see you later. -See you later, Will.
[man] Bye.
Uh, Merritt, she was a, how do you say, I don't wanna say a salope.
I wouldn't say a slut, but she…
I think she's… She loves having a good time, right?
I met Merritt once at a dinner party in New York,
way before Amelia and Benji.
She was dating my friend's boss from Sotheby's.
He was loaded, and 5'6".
I'm sure they were very much in love.
I can tell you one thing for certain:
I never fucked her.
[Thomas] I don't know why you two don't go public.
That fucking toothpick gets more attention than I ever did.
She's a well-kept woman.
[blues music playing]
[Tag] Mmm.
Thank you.
[Tag exhales]
-Big day for Benji, huh? -Yeah.
Tomorrow our blue-eyed boy becomes a man.
[Tag chuckles]
Not that marriage is some kind of baptism of manhood or anything.
I mean, not mine anyway.
Abby's got my fucking nuts in a vise.
[snickers]
I promised her we'd get a new apartment.
Hey. I need a loan.
Just a Band-Aid.
Got in a little over my head on an options play.
[laughs]
Ah, Jesus.
You know, I'll never forget the look on Nick's face
when I went up to Groton to pick this thing up.
I could tell… I could tell he'd put his heart and soul into it.
I mean, look at the inlay on that.
He was beaming with pride to have this thing go out with his name on it.
[inhales]
Well, it sounds like he really put in the time.
[Tag exhales]
Because he knew it would pay off.
He launched his baby into the world
and he knew it would perform.
Not, uh…
drop to the bottom like a fucking stone.
You know?
[Thomas clears throat]
[Amelia] Oh, God.
It's like Greer wants me to back out.
[Merritt] Honestly… [whispers] Fuck her.
She's a snob-and-a-half.
You know, I bet she married Tag for his old money name,
just to make her book jackets look cooler.
-I called her GG Dubs this morning. -[laughs]
I swear she would have shit a brick
if one would fit through her tight, little butthole.
[laughing] No! No!
Ugh. I don't want to think about Greer's butthole.
But now I am, and it's definitely bleached and waxed.
[both laughing]
Definitely.
[both giggling]
I see you, bitch.
[both chuckle]
All right, talk to me.
What's really going on?
[sighs]
Okay.
Have you ever loved someone so much
you'd, like, kill to be with them?
I don't know if I feel that way about Benji.
Okay.
But this isn't just because his mom sucks, right?
-Because you're not marrying his mom. -No, I know how lucky I am. I do.
I mean, it's Benji. He's…
-so kind and… -Mmm.
So handsome.
-So rich. Oh, my God. Sorry. -Stop it!
[laughs]
Don't do that.
-I love him, and you know I do. -Sorry. I know you do.
But…
shouldn't I be like…
addicted?
Like…
when I'm with him, I need to touch him.
And when I'm not with him, I'm fantasizing
about the next time I get to be.
[sighs]
I think I know what's going on here.
-You do? -Yeah, it's just cold feet.
[Amelia chuckles]
It's normal.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah. You're right.
Anyway, even if I wanted to back out, there's no way I could now.
Bitch, you can do whatever you want to do.
And I will back you up all the way. Okay?
But…
You don't really want to call it off, do you?
You're not only doing this because of your mom, right?
No.
I don't.
[sighing wearily]
[Merritt] Here you go. Oh!
[shrieks]
[chuckles]
[gasps]
-You okay? -The dismount!
-[ball thuds] -[Shooter] Um…
[Merritt] Sorry.
All right. Who wants this?
[Merritt yells]
-[ball thudding] -[water splashes]
Hey.
-You okay? -Mmm-hmm.
Hey, um…
Happy wedding eve.
Oh, my God.
-Benji! -Do you like it?
I love it!
[laughs]
And I look so, like, regal or something.
It's not totally dry yet, so…
-Okay. -[clears throat]
And you are regal.
-Yeah, right. -You are.
-[Shooter] Right here. -[Merritt laughing]
I'm the luckiest guy on earth to be marrying you.
[indistinct chatter]
-I love it when you smell like paint. -[chuckles softly]
[Shooter] Right here.
[Amelia exhales]
-What? -[sighs]
Nothing.
[both sigh]
-What did I do? -Nothing.
[sighs] You're perfect, and I don't deserve you.
[scoffs] Perfect?
Okay. Uh…
What is this about?
Because…
It's fine.
Oh, fuck it.
[panting]
[exhales heavily]
I know Greer thought the engagement was a little fast.
Amelia and Benji only met last year.
Some donor event at the zoo.
Mrs. Amelia washes her own dishes.
It's rude.
I don't come into her job at the zoo and pet the animals.
Miss Sacks is lovely.
But she's from Easton, Pennsylvania. [chuckles]
Okay, uh, how do I put this? Um…
Monomoy's not her natural habitat.
I said it!
[Isabel] She jumped feet first into a wasp's nest.
Someone was going to get stung.
[laughter on video]
He's like, "Not on my wedding day." Ah! Happy wedding eve!
[Benji] Happy wedding eve! I love this woman to death. You get that?
Okay, so, apparently this knife was found near the scene.
Forensics are running tests.
Enlighten me, what kind of knife is that?
[Dan exhales]
Oyster shucker.
That's what you shuck an oyster with?
You really never seen an oyster shucker?
You know what, Carl?
I just met you, and I… I already don't like you.
-[Carl chuckles] -Like, at all.
I mean, even my daughter knows how to shuck an oyster.
Chief, she seems a little grumpy. You got a candy bar on you?
Oh, my God. You know, I'm a grown-ass woman, Carl.
I don't need anybody helping me with what I eat.
Maybe a donut.
Okay, you know, I actually will have this. Thank you.
-That's… That's very nice of you. -I don't need a donut.
Oh, my God!
-Yeah? -Fuck the fucking oysters.
This is the best donut I've ever had in my life!
I love this woman to death. You get that?
[people cheering, whooping]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, get a room!
-[laughter] -Cheers!
[all] Cheers!
Hello. Hi.
Um, hi, everybody.
[whistling, applause]
Uh, yeah, speech.
[all cheering]
Wow, thanks.
Uh… I'm Merritt Monaco, and I'm Amelia's maid of honor.
[all cheering]
Welcome to Amelia and Benji's rehearsal dinner!
[all cheering]
It's very exciting to be here today celebrating true love.
[all whooping]
Um, I don't think that I knew what that was until I met Amelia.
I don't think there's anyone else in the world
who would stay on the phone with me all night,
reading me gossip columns until I fall asleep.
[laughter]
So, to my perfect Amelia and her Benji, I love you guys.
[cheering, whistling]
Hear! Hear! Cheers! Well done.
Some of you know this already, but, um, Amelia and I met at the zoo.
-[guests] Aw! -She was working there, handling snakes.
And I was helping a friend by looking after their kid one Saturday,
and we decide to go to the zoo.
And then suddenly there's Amelia, feeding a live rat to a giant python.
[laughter]
And she continues talking about it passionately,
and I'm transfixed.
I go back every Saturday for five weeks.
So I'm going to have to say something to her.
So I go over and I say, "So, you… You… You like snakes?"
[laughter]
And she says, "No, not really, but I… I'll tell you what I do like."
And so she lets me buy her a… A coffee in the cafeteria.
And she turns to me and she says,
"Did you know that, uh, penguins…
"that penguins mate for life?"
[guests exclaim]
And I said, "No, I didn't, but… But I do now."
[woman laughs]
And I realized,
"Wait, over the last five weeks, I have been becoming a penguin."
[laughter]
And Amelia, my mate for life.
[all exclaiming]
I love you, and I can't wait to marry you tomorrow.
[cheering and applause]
I love you all!
[pop music playing]
-Have you talked to your dad? -Yeah, yeah, I asked him. It's fine.
The Beresford's will only hold the apartment until the end of the month.
-I know. It's fine. -I need to get into that building.
-Do I need to remind you that I'm-- -Pregnant?
Oh! Are you pregnant?
Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.
By the end of the month.
God.
[Benji] So, he goes outside and his mom's there rifling through the trash.
He's like, "Mom, what are you doing? Are you smoking meth again?"
She goes, "No, I'm looking for my teeth."
[men laugh]
Hey, dude, what's with the, uh, scissor sisters over there?
Have they ever rubbed nubs?
I mean, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, you know.
We all know she loves your money.
Hey, Tom. Shut up.
What? They're all in it for the money.
But at least my wife matches the fucking wallpaper.
[laughs]
That's funny. Yeah, it's a total mystery why Benji didn't make you the best man.
-[men laugh] -[laughs mockingly]
Funny. Good one.
[Benji] Thomas.
Go for a swim.
Cool off for a while.
-Yeah, maybe I'll do that. -Yeah, do that.
-[pop music continues] -♪ Sexy thing, you sexy thing, you ♪
♪ I love the way you kiss me, darling ♪
-♪ Sexy thing, you sexy thing, you ♪ -♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Sexy thing, you sexy thing, you ♪
-♪ Love the way you hold me ♪ -♪ Sexy thing, you sexy thing, you ♪
[crickets chirping]
[birds squawking]
Merritt.
Merritt!
Help!
Help me!
[screaming]
Help me!