Now You Try It.
I Don't Know How Well I'll Bowl
But I Appreciate You Having Me On The Team.
You Don't Need To Apologize, Man.
The Guys Need You, The Way Cliff Bowls.
I Don't Know What's Keeping That Son Of Mine.
Your Game Isn't Going
To Get Any Better Upstairs, Huxtable.
Come On, Loser.
Don't Be So Hard On My Son.
He Knows His Way Around The Bowling Alley.
Yes, But After He Parks The Car, He's Still Got To Bowl.
I Know The Other Team's Average.
All He Has To Give Us Is 75 Points.
Surely The Man Can Do That.
(Doorbell Rings)
There's The Rest Of The Team.
Hey, Gents, Come On In.
We Got The Motor Running.
Cliff Will Be Right Down.
Is He Late Again?
This Is Elvin Tibideaux.
Hi. I'm The New Bowler On The Team.
You're The Doctor Married To Sondra.
That's Right.
With The Twins, Winnie And Nelson.
You Know My Kids?
We Should.
Russell Shows Us New Pictures Every Month.
Can They Walk Without Falling Down?
Sure.
Then They Can Take
Your Father-In-Law's Place On The Team.
Elvin, This Is Joe Sims.
He's In The Bank Business.
They Used To Call Him "Rubberarm."
And This Here's Frank Potter.
"Payday" Potter.
If You're Looking For A Car, This Is Your Man.
"Rubberarm" And "Payday."
Those Are Great Names.
We Got Those In The Negro League.
Great Pitcher, Great Hitter.
Do You Mean To Tell Me
That You Played
With Jackie Robinson, Minnie Minoso, Roy Campanella?
They Are The Guys That They Talk About.
There Are Plenty They Don't Talk About
Like A Guy Named Classy Judy Johnson.
But Hank Aaron And Willie Mays
Got Their Start In That League Too.
He Helped Make Them Famous.
They Hit A Lot Of Home Runs Off Him.
I Gave Each Of Them One Home Run
To Start Them Off On Great Careers.
But I Can Brag
About Striking Out Frank Robinson.
When?
Come On, Man, You Know When.
Hey, Hey, Hey.
All Right.
What Kind Of Outfit Is That?
It's A Outfit For Bowling.
Does It Come With A Cummerbund?
Let's Go.
I'm Ready.
I Might Bowl 700.
Elvin, You Ride With Me.
I'll Tell You Some More Negro League Stories.
The Same Deal As Last Season, Right?
Of Course.
The Man With The Lowest Points Buys Dinner.
Okay.
And I Will Make Sure
You Don't Buy Us Those Cheapo Hot Dogs.
Who Told You They Were Cheap?
Tv Host: Welcome To Another Session
Of The Most Challenging Quiz Show
On Television Today, If You're So Smart.
Now, Audience, If You're So Smart
All: How Come You're Not Rich?
Rudy? Olivia?
You Have Been Asking To Help In The Kitchen.
Now Is Your Chance.
I'm Preparing Dinner.
Can You Wait One Minute, Please?
We Just Love This New Quiz Show.
Our First Category Is The 1940s.
Oh, My Time.
Yeah. The Olden Days.
Our Subject Is Westerns
And The Question Is, If You Are So Smart
Which Cowboy Star Wore Two Six-Shooters Backwards
And Claimed To Be A Peaceable Man?
Oh, That's Cliff's Favorite.
Oh, Yes.
Okay.
That's Tex Ritter.
No, Lash... No.
Uh, Buck! Buck Jones.
Wild Bill Elliot.
(Bell Rings)
Time's Up.
If You Were So Smart
You Would Have Said Wild Bill Elliot.
Yes!
How Does She Know That?
She's Just Smart.
Next Category: Music.
And The Question Is, If You're So Smart
What Hit Song Was Attributed To A Man With A Foot Problem?
Oh... It's On The Tip Of My Tongue.
"Flat Foot Floogie."
Baby, Don't Do That.
You Confuse Me.
It's, Uh...
"I Can't Love You 'Cause Your Feets Too Big."
"Flat Foot Floogie."
All Right, Olivia.
We'll See.
(Bell Rings)
Time's Up Again.
If You're So Smart
You Would Have Answered "Flat Foot Floogie."
Spooky, Mom, Isn't It?
Yes, It Is.
What Are You Two Up To?
Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing, Nothing.
In A Pig's Eye
Nothing!
A Video Cassette?
Gotcha! Gotcha!
Oh, You Little Twirly-Birds!
All We Asked Cliff To Do Was Bowl A Measly 75.
That's All We Asked Of Him.
Russell, I'm Not Criticizing
But The First Time I Took My Daughter Bowling
She Scored 77, And She Was Eight Years Of Age
With One Arm In A Sling.
75, 75!
That's All We Asked, 75.
Now We've All Been Through That.
Russell, I Got Very Great Sympathy For You
Being The Father Of That Man.
All We Needed Was A Trifling 75
From This Man.
Huxtable, You Threw Your Ball
In The Gutter So Many Times
The People Started Calling It "Wino."
All...
Wino!
Let Me See This Ball.
Such A Pretty Thing.
Looks Like It's Got Toothpaste In It.
And You Had To Throw It In The Gutter.
The Man Who Drilled The Hole...
Look At How My Thumb Goes In And Out.
Who Does That Remind You Of?
"Alibi" Al Benson.
Take A Strike And Say
A Piece Of Dust Got In His Eye.
It's Not The Ball's Fault.
I Mean, What You Need Is A New Pair Of Eyes...
A New Arm...
A New Brain.
Son, Look, Let Me Put This Ball To Rest.
Gentlemen, Gentlemen.
Remember, We're All Part Of A Team.
Now Let's Just Forget It.
There's Always Next Week.
And If My Son Doesn't Become A Good Bowler
He'll Be An Expert On Buying Chinese Food.
You Mean, He's Bowling With Us Next Week?!
Hey, More Chinese Food.
Hey, I'm Hungry.
Let's Eat.
All Right.
Everybody Meet Over At My House.
We're Going To Have Some Good Talk About Baseball.
Huxtable...
Look At This Ball.
I Don't Even Have A Proper Bag For It.
I Just Throw It In The Trunk.
In Summer, It Expands.
I Bowl 150, 151.
In Winter, It Contracts.
I Bowl 150, 151.
I've Never Bowled A 75.
Baseball Stories?
Well, Don't Let's Worry
About The Baseball Stories.
Just Think About The Chinese Food.
Great Story.
Oh, Yes, Very Fine.
Pass The Egg Rolls, Please.
And While You're At It, Pass The Mu Shu Pork.
I Remember Dad Took Me To 44th And Parkside
To See The Kansas City Monarchs
And I Remember It Was A Lovely Sunday...
There He Goes Again.
We're Talking About The Kansas City Monarchs.
There Was A Man That Pitched For Them
Named Satchel Paige.
He Had A Hesitation Pitch.
Can You Pass Me The Spare Ribs?
Thank You.
See, Now, This Hesitation Pitch...
A Pitcher Will Throw, See...
Any Dumplings Over There?
Dumplings Coming Up.
Carleton: Sorry, Sorry.
Go Ahead. Go Ahead.
When The Regular Pitchers Pitch
They Just Go And Throw.
Any Sweet And Sour Pork?
Drop Some, Hey?
So What They Do
Is Their Arms Go Back This Way.
And Satchel Took It On Back, He Took It Back
And Brought It Up
And Stomped Two Times On The Mound.
You Understand?
Now...
What Did I Just Say?
About What?
What Are You Doing With Those Boxes?
You Planning On Stealing The Food?
Can't Say Stealing Without Mentioning Pep Miller.
He Could Steal.
Pep Miller Stole Everything
Except First Base
In The First Inning.
The Next Inning, The Catcher Walks Out.
He's Got Printed Across His Chest Protector
"Thou Shalt Not Steal-- Please, Mr. Miller."
Don't You Get It, Harmon?
Thou Shalt Not Steal.
In Baseball, You Can Steal A Base.
Hysterical.
Wake Up, Boy.
You Have Dropsy?
Wake Up!
Ah, Yes.
Fascinating, These Baseball Treasures Of Yours.
But I Know Very Little About Baseball
So All This Good Fun--
Ha Ha Ha---
Is Wasted On Me.
Tell Him The Story About Roy Campanella.
If You Don't Get The Story About Roy Campanella...
Yeah, And Like Everybody Knows Roy Campanella.
Roy Tells About This Game
They Played In Heavy Fog.
Every Time We Hit The Ball To The Outfield
Nobody Could See It.
And Roy's Team Is Circling The Bases
And The Score
Is Adding Up.
When They Took The Field
Their Manager Called The Outfielders Together
And Says To Them
"Now Here's A Ball For Each Of You.
"Now If A Fly Ball Is Hit Your Way
You Cry, 'I've Got It.'"
Don't You Know The Next Batter
Hit A High Fly Ball Up Into The Fog
Deep Into Outfield.
Now Everybody's Looking, But No One Can See A Thing.
Then You Hear, "I Got It."
And The Runners Hold Up
And Then Simultaneously Through The Fog
Three Balls Come Flying In From All Over The Outfield.
Honey, You Are Missing All The Fun.
You Should Hear Some Of These Stories.
I've Heard Those Stories Before.
That's Why I'm In Here Now.
You Are Doing What You Do Best:
Trying To Outtalk Each Other.
If I Were There, You'd Be Trying
To Outtalk Each Other To Me.
So There's Your Fruit Salad.
I Am Off For A Quiet Walk.
Don't Forget To Come Back
'Cause You Know Who's Waiting For You.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, Ladies.
Rudy: You And Your Friends
Are Out There Talking About Baseball, Right?
Right.
What Team In 1950 Were Known As The Whiz Kids?
You Don't Know That?
And You Do?
Yes, I Do.
Philadelphia Phillies.
Willie "Pull His Head" Jones On Third.
Do You Happen To Know Who Harry S. Truman Defeated
In 1948?
He Defeated, Uh...
You Don't Know That Either, Rudy?
And You Do?
Yes, I Do.
Thomas E. Dewey.
Tell Them What They Won, Frank.
Tell Them What They Won, Frank?
Yes.
Who Is Frank?
That's Thomas E. Dewey
"Tell Them What They Won's"
Last Name.
Well, Bye, I Have To Finish My Homework.
Come Over Here A Second.
Okay.
Harry S. Truman Defeated Who?
Thomas E. Dewey.
Tell Them What They Won, Frank.
Tell Them What They Won, Frank?
Yes.
And Frank Is The Last Name?
Yes.
Why Does He Have Such A Long Last Name?
Flat Foot Floogie?
Flat Foot Floogie?!
Wild Bill Elliot?
What Is The Matter With You?
We'll Be Right Back After These Messages.
Rudy!
The Man Was So Quick
That When He Cut The Corners On The Bases
He'd Come Back To The Dugout With Dirt In His Pockets.
That Reminds Me Of Sir Garfield Sobers--
A Superb Cricket Player.
The Greatest All-Rounder In The World.
The Shellshield Tournament, 1965, The Caribbean.
We Played In The Caribbean.
Tell Them The Next Time.
We Promised Our Wives...
I'd Better Be Going Too.
Elvin, You Driving Me?
Sure Thing.
I Guess I'll Go And Teach My Twins To Bowl.
Kidding, Dad.
I'm Going To Come Back And Help You Clean Up.
Next Time, Just Mention The Word Caribbean
And I'll Tell You That One.
Take Care.
I'll See You.
Wasn't That Some Great Stuff?
I Just Can't Tell You
How Great This Thing Is
Because Each Story Gets Better Than The Other.
Sit Down, Cliff.
It's Getting Late.
We're Going To Tell You Stories About Culture
That Transcends National Boundaries.
But It's Late.
We Talking About Cricket.
Fine Legs.
Square Legs.
Short Legs.
Cricket. Cricket.
You Should Know About That.
I Understand, But, You See, It's Late
And Maybe A Fortnight...
No, No, No. Sit Down.
For The Past Three Hours, Everyone In This Room
Has Heard About The Great American Pastime.
Now Everyone In This Room
Is Going To Hear About A Greater Pastime--
Cricket.
Silly Point.
Silly Mid Off.
Silly Mid On.
Cricket. Cricket.
To The Queen!
Queen.
Now We Will Begin With The Escapades
Of The Top Five Players.
Then We Will Move On To The Greatest Matches
Played In The Last Five Years Internationally
In Such Far-Flung Places
As England, Australia, India, Pakistan, New Zealand
The West Indies, Zimbabwe
And Randall's Island In The Bronx.
To The Queen!
It Was A Good Idea To Keep My Equipment In My Trunk.
And You Can See From The Equipment
What A Game Of Immense Skill Cricket Is.
I Don't Doubt The Skill.
I'm Just Saying I Don't See How You Can Compare
The Clash Of The Titans In Baseball...
Harmon: That Is Exactly
What I Expect To Hear
From Someone Who Admires Baseball
Which Is Like Our Game Called Rounders.
I Don't Understand What's Funny.
It's Just That Rounders Is A Game
Played By Little Children.
Well, Let Me Tell You Something.
First Of All, I Could Play Nine Innings Of Baseball.
I Could Steal 23 Bases, Strike Out 14 People
Play The Outfield By Myself, Go Get The Fly Balls
Make 16 Double Plays With Nobody On It
And Still Play Nine Innings Of This Cricket.
We Are Real Cricketers.
We Can Play For Days.
Of Course You Can, Because You Stop To Have Tea.
And Then You Have Cucumber Sandwiches.
And Every Five Seconds, "To The Queen."
You Can Say That Because You Know
There Is No Cricket Field Nearby
Where We Can Publicly Disgrace You.
Harmon, We Don't Need A Field To Play That Game.
We Can Play That Game Here.
That Is A Hollow Threat.
You Wouldn't Damage Your Possessions.
No, There's Nothing Hollow In My House.
Pardon Me.
Now If You'll Help Me.
I Don't Need Pads
For This Game...
Not If I'm Having Tea.
He'll Hurl This Ball At You At 90 Miles An Hour.
I Couldn't Care...
Well, No, We Can't Use This.
We'll Use A Tennis Ball.
But We'll Play Some Cricket
And Every Five Minutes Have A Cucumber Sandwich And Tea...
"To The Queen."
Are You Ready?
Yes, I'm Ready.
Okay, There You Come.
No Good. Here.
You're Out.
I'm Not Out.
You Can't Catch The Ball.
This Is Not Baseball.
I Have To Catch The Ball...
You Hit The Ball With The Bat.
That's What You've Got The Bat For.
We Don't Play With A Ball That's Going Behind.
Come On.
I'm Ready.
Hey.
Here We Go.
Silly Things.
Oh, Boy.
I'm Safe.
No, You're Not.
Well, I'm Not Out.
This Time, I'm Coming All The Way
From Jamaica.
Yeah, You'd Better.
He's Coming From Jamaica.
You Ready?
Come On.
Ahhhhhh!
Cliff: Come On, Come On.
I Know, Satchel Paige.
Satchel Paige With The Hesitation Pitch.
I Got You.
Don't Try It.
You're Bouncing In Front...
I'll Wick You.
Oh, Boy.
To The Queen.