(Humming)
I Don't Want To Go In Yet.
I Don't Want To.
I Can't.
This Weekend Was Lovely.
Yes.
Vermont Is So Beautiful.
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.
And I've Never Seen You Frolic In The Woods That Way.
Well, My Lady, 'Twas Not The Woods
That Brought The Frolic Out Of Me.
And How Hath I Inspired Thou Thus, My Liege?
Details, I Want Details.
Thou Hast A Beauty Of Lips And A Body So Firm
That It Raises The Very Potency Of Myself.
I Know, Hence Our Five Children.
You Would Have To Bring That Up.
But Not For Long.
For We Go Inside.
Oh, Cliff, Would That This Day Might Never End.
Carry On.
Bring The Leaves Of Life With You.
(Kissing Sound)
Oh, Hey, Dad.
Hey, Ma.
Well, Hello, Theo.
Son, Why Are You Robbing Us?
No, I'm Not Robbing You.
I'm Borrowing This For My Apartment.
You Said I Could.
When?
Last Week.
I Told You The Light In My Bedroom Was Bad.
You Said I Should Do Something About It.
That Didn't Mean Go Upstairs And Steal My Lamp.
It Meant For You To Get A Brighter Bulb. That's All You Had To Do.
So Can I Have The Lamp?
How Are You Going To Get That To Your Apartment?
Can I Borrow The Station Wagon Too?
Vanessa Has The Station Wagon, Theo.
She Took It To The Library.
I'm Not In A Rush.
I'll Make A Sandwich.
Want Something?
No, Thank You.
Help Yourself.
Hi, Mom!
(Kissing Sounds)
Oh, Rudy, Hello.
Hi, Dad.
How Are You Doing?
Come Sit Down.
Hi, Mom.
Did You Have Fun?
Well, Yeah, I Did.
Sit Down Right Here.
I Just Need Your Signature
Right Here On This Permission Slip.
It's For After-School Sports.
What Is This For?
Figure Skating.
How Much Is It For?
For This You Get Everything.
You Get Your Skates
You Get Your Lessons Two Times A Week
The Rental Of The Rink, Plus, You Get A Very Neat Skirt.
For?
$200. Please, Please.
Just Let Me Do This.
Don't You Know Any Free Sports At That School?
Dad, I Have To Have This In By Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
It Has To Be In Tomorrow
So You Wouldn't Give Us Much Time To Think About It Today.
Well, I Guess I Forgot.
We're Not Going To Be Rushed Into Anything
Because You Forgot.
That Look Doesn't Mean Anything To Me.
Thank You, Dad.
Thank You, Mom.
Yes!
I Got It!
(High Voice:) Clair, Can I Have $5,000
So I Can Go Windsurfing In Tahiti Please?
(High Voice:) Thank You, Thank You.
Cliff: Yes, Yes, Yes.
Clair: I Love You So Much.
Excuse Me, Didn't Mean To Interrupt
But Do You Guys Need This Hose?
No, No, No, You Go Ahead And Take That.
We Can Spit On Our Plants.
Cool. Thanks.
(Thumping)
(Thumping Continues)
What Is That?
Sounds Like The Washing Machine.
That Machine Is Brand-New.
Whoa!
All I Did Was Put One Load In Here.
Oh, No, My Pants.
Oh, Look At This.
I Can't Wear These Anymore, Mom.
Who Cares About Your Pants?
What About My Machine?
What Is This?
Broken Crayons.
Oh...
Olivia?
See, Mom, The Problem
Is You Got Too Many Kids Living In This House.
(Clanging Sound)
Who's In The Basement?
I Said, Who's In The Basement?
(Gruff Voice:) It's Me.
(Normal Voice:) Oh, Mr. Ghost, How Are You?
What Are You Doing Down Here?
(Gruff Voice:) I've Come To Eat Up Some Little Children.
You Know I Love To Eat Up Little Children.
(Normal Voice:) Well, Help Yourself.
I Don't Think Any Are Down Here, Mr. Ghost.
(Gruff Voice:) I Saw One.
I'm Going To Eat Her!
(Yelling)
Olivia
My Mom Said She Found These Crayons In The Washing Machine.
Are They Yours?
They Were, But The Machine Wrecked Them.
Young Lady, You Know
You're Not Supposed To Touch Any Machines
And Why Were You Washing These Crayons?
Because They Were Dirty
And The Lady Said They Were Washable.
(Humming)
♪ What Are You Doing? ♪
I'm Making You Look Like Vermont
So We Can Remember Our Frolic In The Woods.
You Know The Last Time
You Put The Leaves In My Hair What Happened.
Yes, I Know.
Well, What You Waiting For?
Cliff: Gotcha, Gotcha, Gotcha, Gotcha.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
So How Was Vermont?
It Was Lovely.
You Had A Good Time?
Sure Did, Thank You.
How Was Everything
At The Library?
Oh, It Was Great.
I Finished My Studying.
Give Me The Car Keys.
Why?
Because It's My Car.
Now Where Did You Park?
Out Front?
Yea...Yeah.
I Have To Get Something
Out Of My Glove Compartment.
Let Me Do That For You.
I Don't Want The Neighbors
To See You Looking Like The Forest.
(Mock Laughter)
Mom, You Know
I'm So Glad You And Dad Got A Chance To Get Away.
You Should Get Away More Often.
You Look So Relaxed.
What Did You Do?
What Happened?
I Was Making A Right Turn.
I Signaled.
I Had Both Hands On The Wheel.
So What?
All Of A Sudden
The Back Of This Car Just Hits Me.
So The Guy Backed Into You
While You Were Making The Turn?
Well... No.
No, He Wasn't Backing Up.
What Was He Doing?
He Was Getting His Prescription In A Drug Store.
So There Was No One In The Car?
There Was No One In The Car, But I Thought It Was Moving.
So What Happened Was You Were Negotiating A Right Turn
And You Hit A Parked Car.
Isn't That What Happened?
Why Didn't You Just Say That To Me, Dear?
Doesn't Anyone Care If I'm All Right Or Not?
When Rudy Gets Her Driver's License
We're Going To The Salvage Dump
And Pick Out The Worst Bash-Smash Looking Thing
That Still Runs
And We're Going To Let Her Drive It.
If Anybody Hits Her, It Will Be An Improvement.
I Know How You Feel, Dad.
(Cliff Laughing)
No, You Don't.
I Can Appreciate The Pressures You Both Are Under.
If You Ask Me, I Think You're Doing A Bang-Up Job.
Theo, Shut Up.
You Don't Give Us Enough Credit For Understanding You.
When Have You Understood Us, And What Have You Understood?
You, Who Are Beyond Understanding--
I Don't Understand You.
How Could You Possibly Understand Me?
See What I Mean?
Let Me Ask You.
Suppose You're A Father And Your Daughter
Runs Into The Back Of A Car And Does Not Tell You.
First Of All, It's Not Like
She Drove Around Looking For An Accident.
I Would Try To Be Understanding
And Not Make A Big Deal Out Of It.
She Never Told Me.
She Let Me Find This--
Hoping Perhaps I'd Go Crazy And Say
"Hmm, Even Though I Haven't Been In The Car
I Must Have Wrecked It."
What's Going On?
We're Having A Hypothetical
Reality Debate On Understanding Parents.
Let Me Ask You A Question.
Suppose Your Daughter Came To You And Said
"I Want To Take Ice-Skating Lessons Please.
Maybe I Can Go To The Olympics."
Would You Sign The Permission Slip?
Yeah.
What's Wrong With That?
Oh, Nothing Wrong With It
Except You Become More Involved Than The Child.
You, The Child And The Mother
Go Out And Watch The Little Wobbly Legs.
She Skates And Falls, And We Go, "My Goodness.
I Hope She Makes It."
As We Get Caught Up In This
One Day She Says, "I Don't Want To Skate Anymore."
That's The Problem With Girls.
They're So Demanding.
What?!
Do You Recall Little League?
I Loved Every Minute Of It.
Youloved Every Minute Of It.
First Of All, Your Mother And I
Went Out And Paid For The Whole Uniform
Bought You Name Spikes.
Cost Us $55.
You Went Out And You Practiced.
We Watched The Ball Hit You In The Face
Watched The Ball Hit You In The Back.
A Couple Of Times, We Watched You Say
As The Ball Went Past You, "What's The Big Deal?"
And Finally, The Big Game.
And We Watched The Game.
The Final Score Was 75 To 98.
And Between The Two Teams
There Was Three Hits, 672 Errors, 542 Walks
Three Kids Were Beaned
And We Had To Wait
Two Hours For One Kid To Stop Crying.
The Game Was Busted Open By A Grand-Slam Bunt.
So It Took A Little Time.
What's The Big Deal?
Right, No Big Deal.
There's The Key.
You Guys Always Say Things Like "No Big Deal."
Some Of The Greatest Lies Ever Told By Your Kids:
"No Big Deal."
"I Forgot."
"I'll Pay You Back Later."
"It Was Like That When I Found It."
"I Swear, Mom, Dad, It Was Like That When I Found It."
Mom, Dad, I Just Want To Say That I'm Really Sorry.
Please Add That To The List.
Cliff: The Other One That's Key--
"What Are You Doing Home So Early?"
What's Going On?
They're Complaining About Being Parents.
Again.
How About Getting In The Car
And Discovering Your Daughter's
Understanding Of "Empty" Means Mom Will Fill It Up?
How About Leaving The Car Radio On
And Giving Us A Heart Attack?
You Left It Up So Loud
Your Mother's Hair Went Straight Up
Like This.
As If You Don't Do Bad Things To Us.
Clair: We Only Ask
You To Hang Up Your Clothes Before They Take Root.
That's It?
That's All?!
We're Not Being Paid To Look After You.
There's Not A Check Big Enough.
Here We Go Now.
Watch My Back.
Bet-- You're Five Years Old
And Your Parents Have Taught You That Song
"Under The Boardwalk."
Your Parents Think
You Sing That So Beautifully
They Want You To Sing It Every Time Company Comes.
Yes, Yes.
Let Me Ask You-- How Do You Tell Your Parents
That You Hate Singing
In Front Of A Group Of Old, Smiling People
And That You Hate That Song, "Under The Boardwalk"?
You Open Your Mouth And Say It.
No. I Tried That.
I Said, "Dad, I Don't Like Singing This Song."
He Said, "Don't Worry, Son.
"My Son Sings And Dances Too.
Go Ahead, Boy, Take It Away."
Just Like That Too.
That's Because You Don't Know
How Cute You Were When You Sang It.
They Used To Make Me Sing "Easter Parade."
Please Don't Sing "Easter Parade."
Dad?
Huh?
How About You Have A Date With A Guy
That You Really, Really Like?
Tell Him, Denise.
He Comes To Pick You Up
And Your Father Insists On Meeting Him.
What Does He Do?
He Takes The Guy Into The Kitchen...
Have A Little Talk.
Have A Little Talk
With Your Four-Foot Buck Knife.
Vanessa: Yes!
You Took Jeremy Into That Kitchen
Put Two Apples On Top Of Each Other
Said That Was Us
Took One Of The Apples, Skinned It
And Said That Was Him.
I Haven't Heard From Him Since.
And When You Went Out, He Didn't Put His Hands On You
Did He?
I Have Got The Ultimate One.
All Your Stories.
All What Stories?
Stories We Found Out Are Not True.
Rudy: From Grandpa.
From Who?
All: Grandpa.
You're Going To Believe A Man That Age?
How Come Every Single Time One Of Us Came To You For Money
You Started Talking About The Story?
When I Was Seven Years Old
I Had To Wake Up At 4:30 Every Morning.
Without An Alarm Clock.
Couldn't Afford An Alarm Clock.
Had To Get Out And Deliver Newspapers.
But You Always
Have To Brush Your Teeth First.
Didn't Have Money For A Toothbrush
So I Had To Get...
Some Bark, I Believe.
A Sassafras Root.
(Kids Agreeing)
I Had No Running Water
So We Had To Get A Handful Of Snow.
Denise: It Was Winter
365 Days Of The Year.
All: And Every Day, The Snow Came Up To Here.
I Went To Milk The Cow.
I Had No Bucket.
No Shoes Either.
I Squirt The Milk In The Palm Of My Hand.
And I Had To Hop
All: Three Miles To The House.
With No Shoes.
On One Foot
All: To Keep The Other Foot Warm.
I Ended Up Hopping
All: From House To House.
Only Made About Seven Cents A Month.
All: Gave Five Cents To My Parents
Kept Two Cents To Myself
And That's How I Bought My First Car.
(Cackling Laughter)
I'm Sorry, Cliff
But You Do Tell Those Stories.
Well, At Least I Can Drive.
Are You Still Mad At Me?
Yes.
I Didn't Mean To Break The Machine.
You Did Something You Were Not Supposed To Do.
You're Not Supposed To Touch The Machines.
I'm Sorry.
I'll Pay For It.
That Machine Cost
About Two Skillion Dollars.
That's A Lot Of Money.
And Then Another Three Skillion To Have It Repaired.
(No Audio)
That's Five Skillion Dollars!
How Are You
Going To Pay For It?
I'll Save My Allowance.
You Will?
Yes.
How Much Money Do You Get A Week?
Eight Kabillion.
(Blowing Raspberries)