Boys And Girls Of All Ages
This Is Cliff's Neighbor,Jeffrey Engels.
I'd Like To Tell A Story
About The Trouble Cliff Had
With A Sausage Sandwich.
It All Started Late One Night...
Cliff?
Uh-Huh.
Are You Eating A Sausage Sandwich?
Dear, It's Late.
Go, Go, Go Back To Sleep.
Not With That Smell In The Room.
Dear, I Have Been Delivering Babies
For The Last 72 Hours.
The Only Thing That I Had To Eat
Was A Can Of Soup And Some Soda Crackers.
So I Need This.
Please, Please, Please.
It's So Pitiful When You Beg.
I'm Not Eating This Just For Myself.
It's For Mrs. Dugan, Dear.
She's Going To Deliver In The Morning
And This Gives Me The Protein That I Need
To Stay Alive And Deliver That Baby.
But You Know That Sandwich Disagrees With You.
It Does Not Disagree With Me.
Let The Record Show...
Oh, Lord.
The Last Time You Ate A Sausage Sandwich
At This Hour Of The Night
You Dreamed You Were Pregnant
And Gave Birth To An 18-Foot Hoagie
And A Gallon Soda.
And Let The Record Show That It Was Not This Sandwich.
It Was The Water.
The Water.
First Begging And Then Lying.
Sad.
Very Sad.
But If You Just Have To Have That Sandwich
You Just Go Right On Ahead.
You Enjoy That Little Nasty Sandwich
And You Pretend Like I'm Not In This Room.
Just Pretend I'm Not Even In This Room.
Give Me A Kiss.
I Said Pretend I'm Not In The Room.
You Want To Kiss Something
Kiss That Nasty Sausage Sandwich.
Well, He's Kissing That Sandwich Now
But In A Little While, He's Gonna Be Sorry.
As A Matter Of Fact
As Soon As Cliff Falls Asleep
He'll Understand
That He Should Have Listened To His Wife.
Heh-Heh-Heh.
It's Good, Isn't It, Cliff?
Well, All I Can Say Is, I Hope You're Enjoying It.
(Cliff Belching)
Now Cliff Thinks He's Still Awake
But He's Not.
He's Actually Dreaming.
And You're About To See
What A Sausage Sandwich
At Three In The Morning Can Do To A Man.
Vanessa, What Are You Doing In My Bedroom With A Band?
This Is My Band.
Dad, I Have Finally Decided What I Want To Do With My Life.
Because I Love You Very Much
And I Know How Much You Dig Jazz
I Have Decided To Play Funk Jazz On The Sax.
You Can't Play A Saxophone.
You've Gotta Take Lessons, Practice For Years.
You Don't Know How To Play A Saxophone.
Oh, Man, Why Do Parents
Always Try To Make Things Sound So Difficult?
This Is Easy, I Can Do This.
One!
(Band Playing)
Cliff Couldn't Believe It!
Here In His Own Bedroom
Was Vanessa Playing The Saxophone.
And She Could Cook!
Uh, Can, Can, Can I Try It?
All My Life.
One, Two, One, Two!
(Huffing And Puffing)
What's The Matter With This Thing?
Dad, Dad.
Just Don't Have The Chops.
One!
(Band Playing)
And That Is Why I Gathered You All Here Today.
Ladies And Gentlemen
I Would Like To Present For You The Formula For Penicillin.
All: Ah, Penicillin!
And You Say Penicillin Can Cure
All Kinds Of Infectious Diseases?
That's What I'm Saying, Pierre.
Sacre Bleu!
Sacre Bleu, Me Too!
You Are A Genius.
I Know.
You Must Come With Us
And Study At The Academy Of Science.
There Are So Many Questions That Need To Be Answered
Like How To Make Milk Safe To Drink.
That's Easy, Heat It.
That Makes It Pasteurized.
All: Pasteurized!
And Have You Found A Cure For A Runny Nose?
Blow It.
Blow It! Blow It! Mon Dieu!
Mademoiselle Olivia, You Must Come With Us.
I Can't.
I Want To Stay With My Friends.
But Mon Petit Genius
We Will Bring Your Friends To You.
I Don't Have Any Friends.
I Live In This House With A Bunch Of Old People.
(Crowd Murmuring)
These Old People You Live With, Are They As Smart As You?
Yes, Especially Doctor Huxtable.
He's The Brightest And He's Good-Looking, Too.
(Murmuring)
Mademoiselle, Please Reconsider.
The World Of Science Needs You.
I'm Sorry, I Can Not.
These Old People Would Be Lost Without Me.
I'll Never Leave Them.
(Moaning And Weeping)
I Wouldn't Be In Such A Hurry, Cliff.
You've Just Had The Nice PartOf Your Dream.
The Kitchen Might Look Like It's Empty, But It's Not.
Cliff Is Going To Have Some Juice Now
But He's In For A Big Surprise.
How Did I Get Back In The Service Again?
Well, At Least I'm A Captain.
Captain Heathcliff Huxtable, Front And Center!
And You're In The Navy, Too!
Look At Ya, Heh-Heh.
Give Me A Boat.
Ten-Hut!
How Dare You Try And Shake An Admiral's Hand.
You Can't Do That.
I Can Have You Court-Martialed.
Well, You're My Son...
You're My Son,/Sir.
I'm Just A Captain.
How'd You Get A Higher Rank?
Because You Have Poor Eating Habits.
Ten-Hut!
You Do That One More Time
I Can Have You Court-Martialed
For Insubordination.
Sausage Sandwiches At 3:00 In The Morning.
I Could Have You In The Brig For That.
Bread And Water, No Sausage.
I'll Try To Do Better, Sir, Son.
Sit Down.
Thank You, Sir.
Let's Get To Business.
You Put In For A New Assignment.
You'd Like To Be Restationed In Hawaii.
That's Correct, Sir-Son.
Request To Hawaii...
Denied.
Well, Can I Go To Lake Tahoe?
You're Begging.
I'll Have To Note That.
Shameless Begging.
But, Sir, Where Am I Going To Be Stationed?
I Have The Perfect Place.
Antarctica.
I Can't Go That Far.
My Family Will Miss Me.
I'm Sorry, My Mind Is Made Up.
Captain, Dismissed.
(Clair Screaming)
Cliff!
(Louder Screaming)
Wait A Minute!
That Sounded Very Much Like Clair Screaming.
So Naturally, Cliff Wanted To Save Her.
Slow Down.
Where's The Fire?
Clair's Screaming In There.
Is There A Fire?
No, Worse.
What?
Can't Say, But It's Not Pretty.
Not Pretty At All.
Cliff! Help Me, Save Me Now!
That's My Wife.
She's In There, I Got To Go In.
Do You Have Identification?
Driver's License?
Marriage Certificate?
Passport?
Let Me See Your Superior.
Chief! Chief!
All Right, Move It, Show's Over.
Hey, Show's Over.
Denise, It's Me, Dad.
You Look Like My Dad, But You Never Know.
A Lot Of People
Pose As Dads.
Cliff!
Are You Coming In Here Or Not!
That's Mom, Yelling For Me.
Can I Go In, Please?
You Can Go In, At Your Own Risk.
Boys.
Step Aside.
Cliff!
(Crying)
Cliff!
What Are You Doing Outside There?
This Is Your Fault.
I Said To Pretend Like I Wasn't There
And Look What You Did.
Now You Save Me, Quick.
I'll Go Get A Ladder.
Clair Seems A Little Upset.
I'd Be Upset, Too, Hanging Out A Window.
Help Me!
Do You Have A Ladder?
Of Course We Do, We're Firemen.
Here You Go.
Be Sure To Bring That Back.
You Want To Pet Sparky?
So He's On His Way To Find A Ladder.
But Cliff Won't Find It
Because This Dream Is About To Become Even More Peculiar.
Hey, Doc.
Where You Going?
Who Are You?
I'm The Hypocritic Oaf, Remember?
When You Graduated From Medical School
You Took The Hypocritic Oaf.
You Pledged To Take Care Of Everyone Who Was Sick.
No, That's The Hippocratic Oath.
You Weren't Listening.
Wrong, It Was The Hypocritic Oaf.
You Weren't Listening.
He Never Listens To Anyone.
His Wife Told Him Not To Eat Me
But He Did Anyway.
He Knows I Disagree With Him.
You Don't Disagree With Me.
Yes, I Do.
No, You Don't.
I Do.
No, You Don't.
Why Am I Here, Arguing With A Sandwich
When My Wife Is Hanging From The Building.
I've Got To Save Her.
You're Coming With Me.
You Have To Make A Hospital Delivery.
No, Mrs. Dugan Is Not Due Until The Morning.
We're Not Talking About Mrs. Dugan.
This Is Another Delivery And It's An Emergency.
I Can't Go To The Hospital.
Yes, You Can.
No, I Can't.
Can.
See, He's Disagreeing With Me.
I'm Not Disagreeing With You.
You Are.
I'm Not.
You Are.
Cliff!
Put That Sandwich Down And Help Me!
I've Got To Go Save My Wife
Who's Hanging From The Building.
Are You Coming To The Hospital Or Not?
No!
He's Not Cooperating.
Hey, Fellas!
Okay, You're Coming With Us.
This'll Be Easy.
He's Such A Wimp.
Clair!
Clair, I'll Be Back!
No, You Won't.
Yes, I Will.
Won't.
Yes, I Will.
(Monsters Drooling)
Mr. Rudd?
You're The Proud Father Of A Baby Boy.
He Looks Just Like You.
Oh...
♪ La-La-La-La ♪
♪ La-La-La-La La-La-La-La... ♪
Just Take The Tablets And Call In The Morning.
Wait A Minute.
Do You Have To Squeeze My Arms So Hard?
We Don't Have To
But We Enjoy It, Right?
Yeah!
Oh, Yeah!
Oh! Argh!
Whew!
All Right, Dr. Huxtable
Go Over To The Admitting Desk And They'll Tell You What To Do.
And Remember, You Took That Hypocritic Oaf.
So Do Me Proud.
Say, You're Dr. Huxtable?
Huh?
Yeah, Yeah.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I Hear You're Making An Emergency Delivery.
You Can't Get Up There Without An Elevator Pass.
I Need An Elevator Pass.
Sure!
You're Lucky You Ran Into Me.
I Can Sell You One For Only $5.00.
Normally, I Charge More, But I Like You.
Don't Tell The Boss I Did This.
Is That What You Want, $5.00?
Yes, $5.00.
There You Go.
Okay, Thank You.
Hold The Phone.
Do You Have A Pass To Get Back Downstairs?
A Pass To Get Back Downstairs?
Do You Have One?
No, I Don't.
Oh, That's Going To Be $1,500.
Yeah, $1,500.
Let's See, That'll Be $1,505, Yeah.
Okay, Here's $1,500.
Come To Papa.
To Take The Elevator Down.
Did You Drive A Car Here?
Yes.
Where Did You Park?
On The North Side.
That Is Too Bad, Just Too Bad.
What's The Problem?
You Got To Give Me $3,500 More.
To Get My Car Out?
$3,500 More.
All Right, That's All I Have.
Glad I Made It.
Thank You.
All Right.
Nurse! Nurse!
Yes?
Wait A Minute.
You're Not A Nurse, Are You?
What Do I Look Like?
A Good Humor Woman?
You Don't Talk Like That To Your Father.
You're Not My Father.
My Father Wouldn't Leave His Wife Hanging Out A Window.
You're Pushing It Just A Little Bit Here.
Pushing?
Boys, Show This Man What Pushing Is.
Okay!
I'm Telling You...
Wait A Minute!
Catch!
Wait A Minute!
(Laughing)
Wait A Minute!
(Crowd Babbling)
Excuse Me, Pardon Me.
Is This Seat Taken?
Shh!
Quiet, It's Starting.
Starting.
Shh!
Good Evening, Ladies And Gentlemen...
And Other Things.
Welcome To Operating Theater.
Tonight We Have Something Spectacular.
Right Here, On Our Stage
We Are Going To See The First Delivery Ever Of A Koosbanian.
(Applause And Cheering)
Yeah, Yeah!
Never Seen This.
And Now, The Man Who's Going To Make This Delivery--
The One, The Only Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable!
Who's He?
I Don't Know, I Never Heard Of Him.
Me, Neither.
He Doesn't Look Like He Could Deliver A Baby.
He Doesn't Look Like He Can Deliver A Pizza!
Whoa!
So, You Ready, Doc?
I Don't Know.
I've Never Delivered A Koosbanian Before.
I Know.
And We All Admire You
For Attempting Something So Dangerous.
Dangerous?
Wait A Minute.
Is The Patient In Trouble?
No, You Are.
I Thought I Was In Danger Performing An Appendectomy
While Being Shot Out Of A Cannon.
But That's Nothing Compared To This.
(Whispering:) Are You Shooting Me Out Of A Cannon?
You're Going To Be Suspended Upside Down In A Tank Of Water
While Playing "Lady Of Spain" On The Accordion.
(Laughter And Applause)
Oh No, The Koosbanian Is Resisting.
Put A Muzzle On Her Second Mouth.
(Groaning)
(Chain Snapping)
Oh No, The Koosbanian Has Escaped.
(Disappointed Moaning)
You Can All Go Home.
There'll Be No Delivery Today.
Oh, Brother, Come On.
We Want Surgery.
All: We Want Surgery.
Operate On That Guy, Huxtable.
All: Yeah!
I'll Cut Him.
I've Got The Steadiest Hands In The Business.
Cut Him.
Cut Him!
Let Me Up.
Well, I Suppose Cliff Realizes
He Should Have Listened And Not Eaten That Sandwich.
Boys And Girls, Always Listen To Your Mom.
And Husbands, Listen To Your Wives.
I Have A Wife And A Mother
So I Do Quite A Bit Of Listening.
Cliff Decided He Would Go Down And Begin The Day.
Morning, Dad.
You Don't Look So Good.
Did You Sleep In Your Clothes?
Looks Like Dad Didn't Sleep Well.
He Probably Ate Something And Had Nightmares Again.
There Was A Sausage Missing From The Refrigerator.
Dad Probably Ate It.
Well, I Did Have A Bad Dream.
And You Were In It,
And You, And You Were In It.
I'm Just Happy To Be In Brooklyn
'Cause There's No Place Like Home.
You Should Be More Careful.
Mom Said Not To Eat That Stuff Late At Night.
Yeah, Dad.
You Can't Take It At Your Age.
I Cannot Argue With You.
I Have Learned My Lesson.
Good For You, Dad.
Come On, I'll Drop You At School.
Bye, Dad.
See You Later.
Wait A Minute.
Who Turned On The Lights?
Look, It's Sausage Man.
(Laughter)
You're Not Going To Eat Again, Are You?
Wait A Minute.
You Guys Heard What I Told My Children.
I'm Not Eating Bad Foods Anymore.
If I Had A Nickel Every Time I Heard Him Say That
I'd Buy My Own Refrigerator.
(Laughter)
He's Back.
So's His Stomach.
(Laughter)
And That's The End OfOur Story.
Good Night, Boys And Girls.
Eat The Right Things
And Sleep Tight.