Clair: Rudy.
Is Theo Home?
No.
Are We Late For Vanessa's Play?
We Better Not Be.
We May Have To Leave Without Him.
My Fine, Fellow Patrons Of The Arts
Are We Ready For A Rousing Evening Of Musical Theater?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
All Right!
Did You Tell Theo To Come Home
After That Meet?
I Told Him 6:00.
Maybe The Meet Ran Late.
I'll Write Him A Note.
We Have To Leave.
I Can't Wait To See Vanessa In The Play.
We'll Whistle At Her When She's Onstage.
No, You Can't Whistle.
( Speaking In British Accent ) Let Me Tell You Something
About When You Go To The Theater.
You Must Comport Yourself In The Proper Manner.
You Sit All Like This When You're At The Theater.
Yes.
Relax A Little.
That's It.
When We See Something We Like
We Don't Whistle.
We Don't Stamp Our Feet.
We Applaud Like This
And We Say, "Bravo."
Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.
And "Fantastic."
Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic.
Marvelous.
Marvelous. Marvelous.
I Say.
I Say. I Say.
Okay, I Finished The Note.
Hi.
Theo, Why Are You So Late?
We Had Trouble Getting Home.
What A Mess.
We're Leaving.
Let's Go.
Okay.
Cliff: Where Are You Going?
Your Mother Said We're Leaving.
Can't We Get Something To Eat?
The Coach Buys The Team Burgers After Every Meet.
Yeah, But We're Still Hungry. Starved.
You've Got Five Seconds.
Grab Something, And Then Let's Go.
And I'm Counting.
One.
How Can Those Boys Eat Hamburgers
And Still Be Hungry?
You Run 2h Miles
You Need Something To Supplement The Meal.
Come On, You Guys, Let's Go.
We're Going To Be Late!
Ladies And Gentlemen
Introducing The First Lady Of Musical Theater
The Inimitable, The Indestructible
The Unsinkable Dame Vanessa Huxtable.
Bravo! Bravo!
Good Show, I Say!
Oh, Vanessa
I Have Seen Many, Many Productions Of South Pacific
But This Was By Far My Favorite.
Thank You.
There's So Much Talent In Your Class.
Thanks, Mom.
Too Bad You Missed
The First Part Of My Song, Theo.
I'm Sorry I Made Us Late.
I Tried To Get Home On Time.
I Even Left Circus Burger Without Eating.
You Walked In In The Middle Of My Only Number
Just As I Was Saying, "Pourquoi, Pourquoi."
It Was In French.
Nobody Cared What You Were Saying, Anyway.
No, Wait.
We've Had A Wonderful Evening.
Don't Ruin It.
I'll Go Take My Makeup Off.
Come On, Rudy, I'll Tell You What It's Like
Being Adored By Hundreds Of People.
I'm Going To Get Something To Drink.
We Only Have Five Quarts Of Milk And Two Gallons Of Juice Left.
Right, Dad.
Oh...
My Head.
What?
Oh, My Head.
I Don't Mind Having To Listen To Some 14-Year-Old Sing And Dance
But When They Pick Up A Musical Instrument
It Tears Me Apart.
It Sounded Like
Somebody Sat On A Rocking Chair
And Caught 18 Cats By The Tail.
Cliff, Theo Said Something That's Got Me Puzzled.
Theo Was 15 Minutes Late Getting Home.
He Said He Ate At Circus Burger.
Now He Says
He Didn't Eat After The Track Meet.
Sometimes You Can't Remember If You Ate.
There's Something Going On Besides A Lack Of Oxygen.
I'm Going To Ask Him.
But My Head...
It Won't Go Anywhere.
I Don't Know About That.
It Might Go Upstairs.
Theo?
Don't Worry, Mom.
I'll Save Some For Breakfast.
Thank You.
Didn't You Say You Ate At Circus Burger?
I Said We Went There.
I Didn't Eat.
You Didn't Eat Anything?
The Coach Said To Get On The Bus Before We Got Our Burgers.
Why Would The Coach Make Everybody Get On The Bus
Before They Ate?
He Didn't Do It To Everybody.
How Many?
Two.
Hey, Theo, Come Here.
Come Here.
Yeah?
Only You And Cockroach?
Yeah, It Was Strange.
Cockroach And I Were Waiting For Our Burgers
When Suddenly Coach Comes In And Yells, "Everybody, That's It.
We're Leaving."
That's Not Proper Behavior For A Coach.
I Know, But It's A Difficult Time For Him Right Now.
It Is?
Some Of The Guys Said That He's Having Problems
With His Wife.
So I Guess It All Just Built Up
Until He Lost His Mind.
Do You Think We Should Call Somebody
Who Can Talk To Him?
No, I Wouldn't Do That.
Coach Is Still Doing A Great Job.
We're Loyal To Him.
We'll Wait Until He Gets Over His Emotional Problems.
I See.
Well, I'm Beat.
Good Night.
Mm-Hmm.
Cliff, There's Something Going On Here
And Theo Is Not Telling Us The Whole Story.
If You Don't Mind
As Far As I'm Concerned, The Boy Was 15 Minutes Late.
I Don't Know...
To A Father
He Was Just 15 Minutes Late.
But To A Mother, It's "Why Was He Late?"
Hey, Rudy.
You Got A Phone Call.
From Who?
Mr. Lukins.
Mr. Lukins?
Right. Your Principal.
Do Mom And Dad Know?
No.
Good.
You Must Be In Big Trouble.
Rudy, Cut That Out, Okay?
And Please Don't Tell Anybody About This.
Hello, Everybody.
Hi, Mom.
Were There Any Phone Calls?
One For You.
And One I Shouldn't Mention.
You Keep That One, But Who Called Me?
Aunt Sarah.
She'll Call You Back Later.
Okay, Thank You.
How Did I Do?
Good. Thanks.
I Hope Mom Doesn't Look At The Refrigerator.
Why?
That's Where I Left The Message For You
That Mr. Lukins Called.
Hi, Mom.
I Want Something To Drink.
I'll Get It.
No, I'll Get It.
Drink Your Water.
Hi, Son.
Hey, Dad.
How Was Track Practice?
Oh, Good. Excellent.
Coach Behave Himself?
Yeah, He Was Fine.
Theo, Did You Get The Message That Mr. Lukins Called You?
Who?
That Message That You Stuck In Your Pocket.
Oh, Yeah.
Thanks.
Mr. Lukins, The Principal?
What's That Call About?
I Don't Know, Dad.
Maybe You Made The Honor Roll.
( Nervous Laugh )
Maybe He Wants You To Speak At The Graduation.
( Very Nervous Laugh )
Could This Call Be Related To Your Lateness Yesterday?
I Bet Coach Got In Trouble For What He Did At Circus Burger
And Mr. Lukins Called Me To Check The Story.
If Anything Happened Yesterday, Now Is A Good Time To Tell Us.
There's Nothing To Tell.
So We Know Everything That We Should Know...
...About Yesterday.
Yes, You Know Everything About Yesterday.
You're Sure?
Why Are You So Suspicious?
I Was A Couple Of Minutes Late.
I Don't Get It.
I'm 17, You Know.
I'm An Adult.
You're Treating Me Like I'm Some Kid.
Theo Is Not Telling Us The Truth
And I Am Going To Find Him Out.
He Wants To Be Treated
Like An Adult?
Okay, I'll Treat Him Like An Adult.
What Are You Going To Do?
You Will See.
I'm An Adult.
You Can Tell Me.
You'll See When You're Supposed To See.
I'm 50 Years Old.
Hey, Dad.
You're Getting A Special Dinner.
Really?
Pancakes, French Fries, Bacon-Burgers.
Whoa! For Dinner?
Why You Doing All This?
I Think Your Life Is Going To Change Very Soon.
I Want You To Remember
The Good Things About Living Here.
Oh, Okay.
Theo.
Just The Person I'm Looking For.
I Don't Understand About Yesterday...
Your Lateness, Circus Burgers, Everything.
So I Thought One Way To Get To The Bottom Of All This
Would Be To Call Mr. Lukins Myself.
Did You?
No, Because That's Not How
We Do Things In This Family.
I'm Glad, Mom.
Some People Check On Their Kids
And That Tears The Family Apart.
Yeah.
But I Am Having A Hard Time
Understanding What Happened.
So You Leave Me No Choice.
Here.
What's This?
"Summons"?
Brilliant.
"You, The Defendant, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable
"Are Directed To Appear In The Family Court Of Brooklyn
"Located In The Huxtable Living Room
"Where You Will Be Tried
Before A Jury Of Your Peers."
This Is A Joke?
No.
What's The Charge?
Read On.
"You Are Charged With Telling Half-Truths
And Other Crimes Against Your Parents."
Magnificent.
You're Putting Theo On Trial?
Yes.
This Is Unbelievable.
You Guys Do The Craziest Things.
I Love This House.
Walter, I'm So Happy You Feel That Way.
This Is For You.
Welcome To The Family, Walter.
Whoa.
Mom Is Definitely Serious.
Can We Handle This?
After All Those Courtroom Shows We've Seen On Tv?
Good Afternoon, Mister Huxtable, Mister Bradley.
She Called Us "Mister."
We're Dead.
She's Trying To Rattle You.
With Me As Your Attorney, Don't Worry.
Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
The Court Is Now In Session.
We'll Be Hearing The Case Of The Family Versus Theodore Huxtable.
All Rise And Stand For The Judge.
No, I Object.
Ha Ha Ha!
Don't Get On The Judge's Bad Side.
I Apologize, Your Honor.
I'm Very Pleased You're Our Judge.
Don't Let It Happen Again.
Yes, Your Honor.
Bailiff, Bring In The Jury.
Jury.
That's The Jury?
You Better Object Now.
This Is Perfect.
I Know What To Say To Kids.
The Court Will Come To Order.
Jury, First You Will Hear From Mrs. Clair Huxtable
Attorney For The Prosecution.
Mom.
Lady And Gentlemen Of The Jury
I Hope To Prove Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt
That This Young Man, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable
Has Been Knowingly And Shamelessly
Telling His Parents Half-Truths And Other Deceptions.
Is That Clear?
When Do We Say Theo Is Guilty?
Objection.
Would The Prosecuting Attorney Call Her First Witness?
I Call To The Stand Heathcliff Huxtable.
Me?
I'm The Bailiff.
Call Somebody Else.
You're Also My Surprise Witness.
I Won't Be The Surprise Witness.
Make Him Take The Stand.
Bailiff, You Have An Attitude Problem.
This Is The Second Time I've Warned You.
Take The Stand.
Please, Daddy?
Do You Plan To Tell The Truth?
Sit Down.
Dr. Huxtable, What Is Your Relationship To The Accused?
He's My Son.
For Nearly 18 Years.
Has He Mostly Been A Good Son?
Oh, Yeah... He's All Right.
Yes Or No Will Do.
Yes.
On The 21st Day Of This Month
Did You Tell Your Son To Come Home On Time?
Would You Say That Something Out Of The Ordinary Occurred?
Yes.
No Further Questions.
Dr. Huxtable
You May Not Leave Until I Say, "Step Down."
Well, Say "Step Down."
I Can't.
You Have To Be Cross-Examined.
Your Witness, Cockroach.
Cockroach?
Dr. Huxtable
Do You Know Why Your Son
Went Out For The Cross-Country Team?
Uh, The...
You're Under Oath.
Why Did Your Son Go Out For The Cross-Country Team?
I Know I'm Under Oath.
Isn't It True You Were So Desperate
To Have Your Son On The Team
That You Promised To Buy Him A Car?
Cliff!
Answer The Question.
Boy, I'll Tell You Something!
( Pounding Desk With Pencil Holder )
Answer The Question.
Come On, Dad.
Yes, I Promised My Son A Car
If He Went Out For The Team.
Lady And Gentlemen Of The Jury
If Theo Had Never Joined The Team
He Wouldn't Have Been Late On That Night.
He Joined The Team
Because His Father Promised Him A Car.
Therefore, I Conclude If Any Crime Was Committed
It Was Committed By... This Man.
He's The Guilty One!
I Rest My Case.
You'll Rest
Something Else Later, Sporty.
Order.
I Call To The Stand Mr. Theodore Huxtable.
Theodore Huxtable To The Stand.
You Promise To Say It?
I Do.
There You Go.
Did You Tell Me
Your Coach Was Having Domestic Problems?
Yes.
How Did You Know?
From A Reliable Source.
Who?
Cockroach.
You Heard From Cockroach
That Your Coach Had Domestic Problems?
He Read That When You Have Domestic Problems
You Take It Out On Others.
Coach Always Takes Things Out On Us.
You Don't Know If The Coach Has Domestic Problems?
Well, No.
What You Told Me Wasn't A Lie
But Not The Truth?
Let's Go To Another Subject--
Circus Burgers.
Do You Love Circus Burgers?
Not As Much As I Love My Parents...
My Sisters...
And Their Friends.
But You Do Love Them?
Yes... If You Can Love A Hamburger.
You Were Excited
When The Cross-Country Team
Went To Circus Burger Yesterday.
Yes.
You Rushed In?
Were You First?
We're Not The Fastest Guys
So We Were In The Middle.
But You Said Yesterday That You And Walter
Were The Only Team Members Who Didn't Get To Eat.
Yeah.
How Did Team Members Behind You Get Their Burgers
And You Didn't Get Yours?
They're Animals, They'll Do Anything For Circus Burgers
And You Wouldn't?
Not By Being Impolite.
Last Week I Saw You Push Your Father Aside
And Step On Your Little Sister
To Get In Front Of The Circus Burger Line.
Well, Yeah, But I Was Hungry.
You Weren't Hungry Yesterday?
Well, I Was...
Something Prevented You From Getting Your Circus Burger.
Something Out Of The Ordinary.
What Was That Something?
No Money?
You Became A Vegetarian?
You Forgot How To Order?
Your Feet Fell Asleep?
Were You In The "Milk Shake Only" Line?
Or Were You Tackled By The Circus Burger Clown?
Hey, Mom, Stop.
I'm Not Some Criminal. I'm Your Kid.
No, You're Not.
I'm Treating You Like An Adult.
You Treat Adults This Way?
In Court, Yes.
Now Will You Tell The Truth
Or Do I Play Rough?
Okay, I'll Talk.
We Didn't Mean Any Harm.
If We Knew This Would Happen, We Wouldn't Have Done It.
What Did You Do?
There Was This Overweight Girl Behind The Counter.
Cockroach And I Made Jokes About Her.
We Didn't Think She Heard Us.
Some Other Guys Started Laughing
So We Told More Jokes.
By The Time We Got To The Front Of The Line, She Was Crying.
I Guess She Overheard Us.
That's Why Your Coach Yelled At You.
Yeah.
He Took Everybody Else Home
And Gave Us A Long Lecture.
And You Were Late.
Yeah.
What Happened Today?
We Didn't Go To Practice.
After The Lecture, The Coach Took Our Uniforms.
So You're Off The Team.
I'm Sorry I Kept It From You.
How Many Times Do We Have To Tell You To Tell The Truth?
When You Don't Tell The Truth, Your Life Falls Apart.
The Past Few Days You've Been Scrambling
And Covering Your Tracks
Giving All This Deception.
None Of This Would Have Happened
If You'd Told Us Everything From The Beginning.
That's What I'm Trying To Say.
Do You Understand?
Yeah.
Does Everybody Here Understand?
Huh?
Were You Listening To Me?
Yeah.
What Did I Say?
I Don't Know.
Vanessa, Tell Rudy What I Said.
Mom, I Was Concentrating On Being A Judge.
Did Anybody Learn Anything From All Of This?
I'll Tell The Truth.
I Don't Have The Money To Hire A Good Lawyer.
That's Good Enough For Me.
I Withdraw My Charges.
This Trial Is Over.
Oh, Good.
We Didn't Say Theo's Guilty.
Let's Get Some Ice Cream.
Yay! Yay!
At The Mall?
At The Mall.
First Thing Tomorrow
I'll Go To Circus Burger And Apologize To That Girl.
Can I Believe That?
Hey, I'm Reformed.
Dr. Huxtable, I Hope There Are No Hard Feelings.
No, No, No.
This Was A Rewarding Experience For Me Today.
I'm Glad To Hear That.
I Feel Like I Grow As A Person When I'm Here.
I Hope That Whatever Was Brought Up Here Today, Remains Here.
You Don't Want Me To Say Anything To Your Parents?
Yeah, Correct.
Did You Understand Anything
Mrs. Huxtable Was Trying To Say?
About What?
That's What I Thought.
Let's Go Get Some Ice Cream.