Hi, Cliff.
That Banner Looks Great.
Sondra And Elvin Will Love That.
They're On Their Way From The Airport.
I Got Sondra An Incredible Gift.
The Briefcase.
Not Just Any Briefcase.
This Is Patent Leather, With Her Initials In Gold.
It's Perfect For Law School.
When They See What I Got Elvin For Med. School
They Will Be Very Impressed.
What?
I'm Not Telling.
Not Even A Hint?
Okay.
It's Shiny And Cold And Rhymes With "Ethoscope."
You Got Him A Stethoscope.
How Did You Guess?
This Is State-Of-The-Art.
You Put This In Your Ears
Your Patient Does Not Have To Leave Home.
He'll Love It.
Yes, He Will.
I'm So Excited For Sondra And Elvin.
They're Newlyweds...
They Are Both Going To Good Graduate Schools...
It's The Most Exciting Time Of Their Lives.
And Do You Know Why?
Because They Have No Children.
Yes, But One Day They Might Get Lucky Like Us.
Our Daughter And Son-In-Law Are Following In Our Footsteps.
You Know What I Love?
The Very Fact That Our Four Remaining Children
Might Go To Law School And Marry Doctors
And Then If Each One Had Five Children
And They Went To Law School And Married Doctors
Then I Could Open Up A Clinic And Not Worry About Being Sued.
Hello.
Mom, Dad, We're Home!
Welcome Home!
Sondra: Thanks.
Hey...
How Does It Feel Being Married Eight Days?
Great.
How Was The Honeymoon?
Unbelievable.
Sensational.
Better Than I Imagined.
Elvin, Not In Front Of The Children.
I'm Sorry.
Did You Fight?
No.
We Fought Once.
We Fought Over Who Loved Whom More.
And Whom Won?
When You Love Each Other As We Do
It's Hard To Measure, Dr. Huxtable.
Elvin, We're Married.
Call Him "Dad."
May I?
No.
I'm Just Joking.
Welcome To The Family, Son.
He Called Me "Son."
Sondra, Look.
What's All This?
We're Welcoming You Home
And Giving You A Send-Off To Graduate School.
And So, Without Further Ado
I Have A Good-Luck Gift For Our Future Professionals.
You Shouldn't Have Done This, Dad.
Don't Be Silly.
I Wanted To.
Is It A Tie?
No, Rudy, The Box Is Too Big.
It's Probably A Stethoscope.
I Knew It.
It's Beautiful
But I Really Can't Accept This.
But You Have To.
Look At This.
Put Them In There.
Listen To This.
Ba-Boom, Ba-Boom
Ba-Boom!
The Reason I Can't...
I Know It's Expensive
But Look At It As An Investment In The Future.
There Won't Be Any Stethoscope In My Future.
I Am Not Buying An X-Ray Machine To Hang Around Your Neck.
The Reason Is I'm Not Going To Medical School.
Huh?
I Don't Want To Be A Doctor.
I Don't Understand.
You Should Have Given Him A Tie.
Elvin, Tell Them Why.
They'll Understand.
I've Always Had Doubts
About Going Into Medicine.
I Have A Problem
With Charging Sick People Money.
You Can Do Community Service Where You Don't Charge Patients.
There You Go.
I'm Also Not Sure
I Want To Spend Eight Years In Training.
Once You Get Out, It's Fat City.
Right, Dad?
Theo, Elvin Isn't Interested In Big Money.
He Wants To Do Something That Will Make Him Happy.
What Would That Be?
I'd Like To Open My Own Wilderness Store.
Wilderness Store?
Yes, You Know--
Selling Camping Equipment And Supplies.
You're Interested In Camping?
I Love The Outdoors.
Do You Know Anything About Wilderness Stores?
Not Yet, But We Met This Great Couple...
Wendy And Dave Miller.
They're Opening A Wilderness Store In Brooklyn This Winter.
In... In... Brook...
In Brooklyn?
I'll Train With Them.
Once I Know The Business, I'll Have A Franchise.
Isn't That Exciting?
No, I Think It Stinks.
But, Dad...
I'll Tell You Why It Stinks, Pal...
Cliff, We Need To Talk.
I Want To Tell Him Why It Stinks.
Let's Meet In The Kitchen First.
When We Come Back, Can I Tell Him Why?
Yes.
You Wait Right Here, Mister.
I Hope You're Not Angry, Dad.
Not At All, Sporty.
Just Calm Down.
When I Gave My Daughter To This Man
I Thought He Was Going To Be A Doctor.
Cliff, Stay Calm.
Look At The Inscription On This, Please.
"To Elvin, Straight From My Heart."
Cliff, This Is Really Very Sweet.
That's Right.
And He's Going To Pay Me Back For This.
Mr. Wilderness Will Have To Sell A Lot Of Sleeping Bags
And Campers And Trail Mix
In Order To Give Me The Money Back For This.
Try To Be Rational.
I'll Tell You How Rational I Can Be.
I Hope That He Goes Out Into The Wilderness
And Gets Poison Ivy
And I Have To Treat Him.
Then He Will Find Out How Much Sick People Get Charged.
Cliff, Listen To Me.
This Boy Is Our Son-In-Law.
He Has Married Our Daughter.
Please, Don't Remind Me.
Sondra And Elvin Have To Lead Their Own Lives.
Elvin's Not Interested In Going To Medical School Now
But That Could Change.
Give Him A Year To Try This.
If It Doesn't Work Out
He Could Always Reapply.
He's Going To Pay Me For This Stethoscope.
( Whispering: ) Theo...
What's Going On?
Let's Get Upstairs While The Getting Is Good.
Why?
They're Only Mad At Elvin.
Hi, Dad.
( Sigh )
So You're Going To Open Up This, Uh... Wilderness Store
In Brooklyn Some Time In The Winter.
Do You Have A Job
Between Now And Then?
Yes, And I'm Proud To Say It's In The Medical Profession.
Really? Really?
I'll Be In Pharmaceuticals--
Bennex Industries.
That's A Big Company.
What Are You Doing For Them?
It's An Entry-Level Job.
Entry Level?
When The Pill Bottles
Come To The End Of The Assembly Line
I Make Sure The Safety Seals Are On The Caps.
I'm Inspector #36.
He's Got A Title, Honey.
He's Inspector #36.
That Sounds Like A Great Job To Me.
It Really Is.
So They'll Have Money
While Sondra Goes To Law School.
Mom?
Yes.
I'm Not Going To Law School.
What?
I've Decided Not To Go To Law School.
You "Decided" Not To Go To Law School?!
This Is Our Dream.
I'll Get A Temporary Job Until The Wilderness Store Opens.
Then I'll Work With My Husband.
Sondra, What Are You Saying?
You Have Always Wanted To Go To Law School.
I Changed My Mind.
Change It Back!
After All The Money We Spent Sending You To Princeton?
Sondra, You Owe Us $79,648.22
And I Want My Money Now.
I'm Not Going Anywhere Till I Get My Money.
I'll Take Whatever She's Got.
Empty Her Pockets.
I'm Not Having This!
No!
Really, Both Of Us Have To Be Calm.
If Elvin Thinks He Can Drag My Baby Off
Into Some Harebrained Business Scheme
And Ruin What Is Potentially
The Greatest Legal Mind Of This Century
He's Going To Have Me To Deal With
And Then He Can Come To You For Treatment.
I Understand, And I Agree With What You're Saying
But You Just Said To Me
"Why Don't We Give Them A Year
And If It Doesn't Work, They Can Reapply."
That Is Just Plain Dumb.
Why Do You Get To Rant And Rave, And I Have To Be Calm?
That Is My Baby In There.
That's My Baby, Too.
You Don't Understand.
You Did Not Have That Child.
I Was The One
Who Was On That Table Screaming, "Take It Out."
If It Takes The Last Breath In My Body
Sondra Is Going To Become A Lawyer.
Okay, What Now?
It's Very Simple.
She'll Divorce Him.
Sondra Is In Love With The Boy.
Then You Take Elvin.
What Will I Do With Him?
Take Him On A Trip In The Country
And Drop Him Off.
He Will Love It In The Wilderness.
Take Him Out There.
Know What I Love Most About This Apartment?
What?
That You're In It.
Aw, Elvin.
( Buzz )
I Can't Believe It.
They're Here.
Our First Dinner Guests.
Hi.
Mom, Dad, Come In.
What Do You Think?
So This Is It.
Dad?
It's An Apartment, All Right.
Have A Seat.
Make Yourselves At Home.
Thank You.
Thank You Very Much.
Comfortable, Isn't It?
Yes.
Can You Believe It?
We Found It On The Street.
Somebody Actually Threw It Away.
What, The Apartment?
Let Me Show You What We've Done To The Place.
You Should Have Seen It
Before We Moved In.
It Was Awful.
Thank You.
It Was Elvin's Idea To Put Up This Curtain
To Separate The Kitchen From The Dining Room.
That's Nice.
Where's This View Of The Verrazano Bridge?
This Way.
Can I Help?
No, No.
I'll Just Roll Right On Out.
That's The "K" From The Valley Fair Milk Sign.
Ah!
Okay. So This Is It, Huh?
Yeah.
Where's The Bridge?
It's Over There.
To The Left.
Ah!
All I See...
I Just See The Toll Booths.
See How They Sparkle In The Twilight?
Yeah.
You Should Set Chairs On The Windowsill
And Have A Good Time.
( Loud Siren )
That's Why We Usually Keep The Window Closed.
There's A Fire Station Next Door.
How Do You Sleep?
There Isn't A Fire Every Night.
Except When We Look Into Each Other's Eyes.
Oh, Elvin.
I Hope You're Hungry.
We're Having Spaghetti.
( Creaking )
I Knew I Forgot Something--
The Basil For The Sauce.
There's A Wonderful Produce Market Up The Street.
Let's Go Get Some.
Great Idea.
Want To Come, Dad?
No, I'll Stay Here And Talk Husband Talk With Elvin.
Love That, Dad.
We'll Be Right Back.
Okay.
What's This?
I Was Going To Explain That At Dinner--
I Got A Job Waiting Tables.
Didn't You Apply For A U.N. Tour Guide Job?
They Postponed The Interview.
We Couldn't Wait.
We Need Money.
Doesn't Elvin Have Money Coming In?
I Was Going To Explain That At Dinner.
I Lost My Job.
The Company Had An Efficiency Expert Visit.
They Decided They Only Needed 35 Inspectors.
Don't Worry, Mom And Dad.
Sondra Spoke To Her Managers.
A Busboy Might Be Leaving
And They'd Be Glad To Give Me A Chance.
Let's Go For The Basil.
These Are Your Degrees From Princeton.
Yeah.
Fell Down.
Yeah.
Rather Symbolic
Don't You Think?
Elvin.
Yes, Dad.
Uh...
How Long Are You Going...
How Long...
How Long Are You Going To Keep My Daughter Living Like This?
We Have A Plan.
We'll Get The Wilderness Store Started.
Then We'll Get A Bigger Place.
You Have A Plan, But No Job.
I Understand Your Concern.
But Do You Know The Story Of Milton Hershey?
No, I'm Sorry, I Don't.
Milton Hershey Went Bankrupt Six Times
Before He Hit It Big In Chocolate.
You're Not Planning On Taking My Daughter Through Bankruptcy
Six Times?
Dad, I Think I Understand How You're Feeling.
No, I Don't Think You Can
Because That's My Daughter.
Right.
But Remember
That Your Daughter Is Also My Wife.
She Was My Daughter First.
But She's My Wife Now.
And She Will Always Be My Daughter.
But She Wears My Ring.
She Wears Braces
That I Paid For To Straighten Her Teeth
So She Could Marry A Man
Who's Going To Take Her Into Bankruptcy Six Times.
We Could Go On Like This Forever.
I Guess You're Right.
I Don't Mean To Interfere
But I Do Think, If It's All Right With You
I'd Like To Help Out With Some Money.
Money.
No, Thank You.
We're Determined To Make It On Our Own.
It's A Loan.
No.
Milton Hershey Would Take It.
Tonight Was Fun.
( Laughing )
Huh? Yeah.
After We'd Been There For A While
I Got A Warm Feeling.
I Think It Was The Heat From The Hot Plate.
( Knocking )
Who Is It?
Theo. I Need To Talk To You.
Come In, Honey.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm Really Sorry
About What Sondra And Elvin Did To You.
Well, It's Okay.
No, I Mean It.
If Sondra Had Come To You As A High School Senior
And Said, "I Want To Open A Camping Store"
You Would Have Been Prepared.
But To Do It After Four Years Of College Was Really Unfair.
I'd Never Do That To You.
Thank You, Theo.
That's Why I'm Telling You Now
I'm Not Going To College.
I'm Opening My Own Business Right After High School.
With What Money?
That's Why I'm Here.
All You Have To Do
Is Give Me The Money You'll Spend On My Education Now.
How Much Are We Talking?
I Brought My Calculator And This Research
So We Could Figure It Out.
To Go To Bennington...
That's The Most Expensive School In The United States Right Now.
You Would Have Wanted Me To Attend The Best.
Of Course.
Yes. Good.
Tuition Plus Room And Board Will Cost $17,999.
Multiply That By Four Years
And Add A 5% Increase Each Year For Inflation
Then Add $7,000 For Books And Lab Fees.
Lab Fees?!
I Was Going To Major
In Chemistry.
We Would Have Been Proud.
Thanks.
Now, Bennington College Is In Vermont
So We'll Figure In The Cost Of Coming Home
Every Weekend.
He Would Come Home Every Weekend.
He's A Good Boy.
That Comes To $8,000.
Plus $3,000 For Incidentals.
Don't Forget Askadentals.
What's An Askadental?
An Askadental Is The Money You Ask For
When You Misspend The Incidental Money You Ask For.
All Right, I Like That!
So We'll Add Another $5,000 For Askadentals.
The Grand Total Is $112,500.
Mm-Hmm.
That's Pretty Steep.
Yes, It Is.
I'm Willing To Deal Here.
Because You're Great Parents, I'll Take Off 18%.
Sounds Good.
Absolutely.
It Does?
Sure.
Just Take The College Boards
And Get Accepted To Bennington As A Chemistry Major.
If I Don't Get Accepted At Bennington
I'll Take 50 Cents On The Dollar.
Theo, I'm Going To Tell You What...
If I Were You
I Would Leave This Room While I Was Ahead And Alive.
Can I At Least Borrow $3.00
For Some Pizza?