Hey.
Hey, Sis.
You Going Somewhere?
No. I Spent The Weekend At Cockroach's House.
You Didn't Even Notice I Was Gone.
But Welcome Home.
Come See Something In My Room.
I Hate Going In There.
I Cleaned It Up.
It DoesLook Better.
What's Up?
This.
Theo, An Earring!
Shh!
I Had It Done Friday After School.
That's Great! It Looks Fantastic!
It Says I'm Old Enough To Make My Own Decisions.
Your Ear Looks Red.
If I Want To Put An Earring In My Ear
That's My Business.
It Looks Puffy.
When People See This
They'll Know They're Dealing With A Man!
Let Dad Look At It.
Let Who?
Ooo!
I Think It's Infected.
It Is?
Where Was It Done?
In Cockroach's Garage.
You Let Cockroach Pierce Your Ear?
I'm Not Crazy.
It Was His Sister, Tootsie.
Tootsie's In Junior High School.
She Does This On The Side
And She Only Charges 99 Cents.
If Dad Doesn't Look At It, It Will Get Worse.
This Is Just An Ear.
If Dad Finds Out, My Whole Body's In Danger.
I Didn't Say You Could Come In Here.
I Don't Want To.
What Are You Doing Here?
Denise Is Here.
If You Are In Theo's Room, Something Is Up.
Nothing's Up, Vanessa.
Okay, But You Know I'll Find Out Anyway.
I Have My Ways.
Cliff!
Yo!
Just Having A Little Taste.
This Pie Is For Your Parents.
My Folks Won't Notice.
They Did Last Time.
How?
When We Cut Into It, It Was Hollow.
My Folks Aren't Coming Here To Eat.
They're Coming To Spoil The Children.
What Do You Expect? They're Grandparents.
Right. Grandparents.
These Are Not The Same People I Grew Up With.
They're The Biggest Hypocrites You've Ever Seen.
My Father Comes In, Goes Into His Pocket
Pulls Out A Handful Of Money.
"Let's See If Granddad Has Any Money
For These Wonderful Children."
This Is The Same Man...
When I Was His Child, I Would Ask Him For Fifty Cents.
The Man Would Tell Me His Life Story.
This Man Would Tell Me How At Age Five
He Woke Up 4:00 Every Morning.
Had No Alarm Clock, Had No Rooster
Just A Sense Of Responsibility.
Oh, Cliff.
No, My Father
Found A Job Milking 12o Cows.
The Man He Worked For Had No Bucket.
So He Had To Squirt The Milk Into His Hand
Walk Eight Miles...
Through Snow Up To Here...
And My Mother Is The Same Way, Too.
She's One Of The Sweetest People I Know.
I Didn't Say She Wasn't Sweet
But This Woman Comes Over Here To The House
Kisses Every Child--
"Just Come In And Kiss Your Grandmother.
"You're The Most Beautiful Children
On The Face Of This Earth."
But When I Was Her Child
All This Woman Ever Wanted To Do Was Take A Stick
And Ask God To Give Her Enough Strength
So She Could Knock Us Somewhere.
To This Day
I Still Don't Know Where "Kingdom Come" Is.
All She Is, As Far As I'm Concerned
Is An Old Person Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.
Daddy.
Yeah, Dear?
What Would You Do
If Someone You Loved Swore You To Secrecy
But Keeping That Secret
Might Not Be Good For That Person?
Is The Person Sworn To Secrecy In This Family?
Yeah.
Is The Secrecy Juicy?
Yeah.
Tell It.
If I Tell You
This Person Will Hate Me Forever.
You Have To, For Their Own Good.
I'll Give You A Clue.
That Way, You'll Figure It Out For Yourselves.
A Clue?
Earlobes.
Earlobes!
What About Earlobes?
All I'm Saying Is
Does Everybody In This House Have Two Healthy Earlobes?
(Knocking)
Who Is It?
Dad.
Hold On.
Okay, Come In.
What's Happening, Dad?
♪ Never Gonna Clean It Up ♪
♪ No Matter How Messy It Gets ♪
♪ You're Never Gonna Clean It Up ♪
Son?
Yeah, Dad?
There's No Music Coming Through The Headset.
You Still Bopping To What's Left In Your Brain?
Take The Headset Off.
Now?
Is There Any Reason Why You Shouldn't Take Them Off?
Okay.
Guys Sure Can Get Up, Huh?
Yeah.
Denise Told You, Right?
Told Me What?
About This.
Is That A Decal?
Have You Been Tagged By The Wildlife Society?
It's An Earring.
There's A Hole Through My Ear.
Denise Says It Might Be Infected.
Well, She's Right.
It Is Infected.
Come On.
What Are You Going To Do To Me?
I Am Going To Fix Your Ear.
Then What?
You Expecting Some Sort Of Punishment?
Shouldn't I?
Yeah.
Can't We Do This Someplace Else?
Why?
Because This Place Is For Pregnant Women.
I Have Four Daughters And A Son
And Somehow I Thought
You Would Be The One Without The Earring.
Why Did You Do It?
To Kids Today
It's Sort Of A Sign Of Independence.
Who's The Girl?
Huh?
Who's The Girl?
Eunice Baker.
You Love Her?
I Like Her.
She Said I'd Look Good With An Earring.
And So Now You Could Wind Up With Half A Head
Because Of The Infection.
That's All Right, Son
Because What I Have In Store For You
Is Going To Be Just Wonderful.
What's That?
I Imagine He Should Be Here For Dinner
In Another Five Minutes.
Not Grandpa.
Oh, Yes.
And Grandpa Is Going To Love To Hear About This
Because Your Grandfather Is Like "The National Enquirer"--
He Loves To Hear The Untold Story.
Maybe He Won't Notice.
I've Fixed That Also, My Boy.
We're Going To Make It
So He Will See It Really Good.
You're Not Going To Make This Easy.
I Could Have Put Your Whole Head In A Sling.
(♪Singing A Dirge♪)
There Are My Boys!
Take Your Time Getting To Me.
When I Travel On
You'll Be Sorry You Didn't Spend...
More Time With Your Mother, Yes.
Owww!
Are You Still Delivering All The Babies In Town?
Yep.
Heathcliff.
Yes, Ma'am.
How Was The Trip Over?
Fine, Until We Had To Park.
I Said I Would Pay For Parking In The Garage.
At $8.50 An Hour? No, Sir.
I Found A Large, Perfectly Legal Spot
Less Than A Mile From Here.
By Coming In Early
Planting Himself At The Head Of The Block
And Then Waiting For Somebody To Pull Out.
Where Are You Going, Son?
Come Over Here
And Say Hello To Your Granddad.
He Didn't Say Hello To Me, Either.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi.
Hey, Grandpa.
What Happened To Your Ear?
I Walked Into A Door.
I Do That Sometimes Myself.
Go Help Mom.
Grandma, Do You Want To Come?
Sure.
Excuse Us.
What Really Happened To Your Ear, Son?
I Walked Into A Door.
Come On.
I Heard That Old "Walked Into A Door" Line
From Your Dad Back In '49.
I Got My Ear Pierced.
On Purpose?
Absolutely.
Your Grandson Was Told By A Girl
That He Would Look Good In An Earring.
So He Went To... Where Did You Go?
Cockroach's Garage.
Cockroach's Garage, And Had His Ear Pierced By...
What Is The Name Of The Person?
It Was His Sister, Tootsie.
His Sister, Tootsie.
Who Probably Lined Him Up Against The Wall
And Threw A Javelin At 60 Feet.
I Get The Picture.
All Right, Then.
I'll Just Let You Handle The Good Part.
I Won't Come Down Hard On The Boy.
You Won't?
Young Men In Love Do Crazy Things.
When Your Father...
Uh, Dad...
No, No, No.
It's Good For Him.
It Will Make Him Feel Better.
I'm Not Interested In Him Feeling Better, Okay?
Sit Down.
When Your Father...
Dad...
...Was 15
He And His Friend, Lex Thompson--
A Boy Who Was Left Back Twice...
Decided They Would Straighten Their Own Hair
In Lex's Cellar.
What?
That's Very Interesting.
It All Started
When He Took A Pretty Young Lady To The Old Earl Theater
And Saw A Group Called "The Icicles" With Breezy Brown.
Breezy Brown Had Straightened His Hair.
Most Singers Straightened Their Hair Back Then.
Your Father's Date Went Wild.
Right Then, He Decided
He Would Lose Her
If He Didn't Straighten His Hair.
You Did That For A Girl?
One Particular Girl.
In Those Days, People Used To Straighten Their Hair With
A Solution Called Conkalene.
It Cost Money
And Your Father Was Flat Broke
So He And Lex Mixed Up Their Own Solution--
Potato Peels, Corn Syrup, And A Touch Of Nitroglycerin.
This Man, A Future Doctor
Had It Poured Slowly
Over His Head.
What Happened?
It Burned All My Hair. It Wasn't That Bad.
He Shot Out Of There Like A Bolt
Pushed Lex's Dog Aside
And Stuck His Head In The Dog's Water Dish.
You Must Have Liked ThatGirl.
Whatever Happened To Her?
She's In The Kitchen Now.
You Burned All The Hair Off Your Head For Mom?
Oh, My God!
Let Him Be.
Guess What?
One Of These Days
You're Going To Need Some Money.
In That Case, Would You Tell Her?
It Would Be My Pleasure.
Clair?
What Is The Craziest Thing That A Certain Young Man--
I'm Not Naming Any Names-- Did To Impress You?
You Mean When Cliff Tried To Straighten His Hair?
Daddy Did That For You?
He Tried, But It All Fell Out.
Thank You Very Much.
You Remember That Kind Of Fondly?
I'll Never Forget It.
Theo, For The Love Of A Young Lady
Has Done Something Foolish Himself.
Promise You Won't Get Mad.
Okay, I Promise.
He Pierced His Ear.
I'll Kill Him.
Wait A Minute!
He Made A Mistake.
He's A Lot Like His Father.
Many's The Time I've Pulled Him Out Of Trouble.
But I Was Patient And Understanding And Tolerant...
How Could You Tell A Story Like That?
When Heathcliff Came Home With A Sizzling Scalp
You Were Not Very Understanding
Especially Considering The Matter Of A Certain Tattoo.
Tattoo?
Let's Eat.
What Tattoo?
Dinner Won't Be Ready For A While.
I'll Have Some Cheese.
I Really Don't Think
That Is An Appropriate Issue
To Discuss In Front Of The Family.
When Your Father Was Theodore's Age
He Was Enamored Of Me To Such An Extent
That He Had My Name Tattooed Across His Chest.
He Did What?
When I Heard What He'd Done
I Was Enormously Flattered
Until I Saw My Name Was Misspelled.
As I Understood It, He Went To
The Best Tattoo Man In The County--
"Hot Needle" Harris.
It Was The Middle Of February, And Russell Had A Terrible Cold
So When He Went To "Hot Needle" And Told Him To Write "Anna"
His Nose Was Clogged Up, And It Sounded Like "Adda"--
A-D-D-A.
My Chief Rival Then For Russell's Affection
Was A Girl Named Adda Mae Ward.
Oh, No!
She Was A Little Girl
Who Lived Down The Road
And Thought The Sun Didn't Shine Until She Woke Up.
Of Course, I Insisted That He Remove The Tattoo
And That Left A Scar
On His Chest.
You Told Me
That You Got That Scar In World War Two...
Fighting Off A German Nazi Panzer Attack.
That Was The Best Way I Could Think Of
To Describe What I Went Through When Anna Saw That Tattoo.
I'm Shocked.
You Huxtable Men Are Crazy.
Yes.
But We Always Get Our Women.
But Not Because Of The Things You Do--
Despite Them.
Theodore, Welcome To The Club.
The Three Huxtable Men--
Scar-Chest, Skinhead, And Hole-In-The-Lobe.