Hi, Dad.
Vanessa, You Know The Rules.
You Are Not To Come Down Here When I Am Working.
I Came Down Here Because I'm Worried About You.
Worried About Me?
Denise Was Just Telling Theo
That Whenever Her Boyfriends Come Here
You're Rough On Them.
"Rough"?
I'm Just Saying What I Heard.
Make Yourself Comfortable.
She Said
That One Boy Was In The Room
When You Asked Mom, "How Ugly Is He?"
Well, The Boy Was Ugly.
And What About The Boy Whose Haircut You Didn't Like?
That Boy Had Shaved A Landing Strip
Across The Top Of His Head.
I Think It's Funny, Too, But Let Me Ask You:
When Did You Last Meet One Of Denise's Boyfriends?
Landing Strip.
There Have Been A Couple Since Him.
Why Did You Come Here?
Because Denise Has A New Boyfriend.
He's Really Neat, Smart, And An Absolute Fox.
We've All Met Him Except You.
Even Theodore.
Theodore's Met Him, And I Haven't?
I'm Afraid So.
I Hope This Wasn't Snitching.
I'm Trying To Cut Down.
(Rock Music On Television)
What Is It?
A New Video By "The Maniacs."
Why Is She Hitting Him?
Shh!
Why Is He Breaking The Car Windows?
If You Understood "The Maniacs"
You Wouldn't Be Asking.
I Told You Not To Watch That Trash.
All It Is Is A Nightmare Put To Music.
If You Understood "The Maniacs"
You Wouldn't Say That.
I Understand From An Inside Source
That Denise Has A New Boyfriend.
I'm Not Talking.
So, You're Sworn To Secrecy, Huh?
All I Want Is His Name.
Don't Do This-- Denise Will Kill Me.
Well, You're Going To Tell Me His Name
Because Everybody Knows You Can't Keep A Secret.
Look At Your Face.
It's Sliding Out Of Your Face.
It's David James.
Rudy!
It Just Slid Out Of My Face.
David James Is Nice, Huh?
Isn't He?
He Writes Poetry, He's Polite And Good-Looking.
You Met Him?
Yes.
Rudy's Met Him, Vanessa's Met Him
Theo's Met Him.
She's Hiding Him From Me, Isn't She?
Why Would She Do That?
She Thinks I'm Too Rough On Them.
But I'm Not.
Of Course You're Not.
But Does Any Of This Sound Familiar--
"How Ugly Is He?"
"Who Is His Parole Officer?"
Face It, Cliff, You Are Rough.
I'm Not That Rough.
Well, What Are You?
The Way I See It Is I'm Like Old Yeller.
You Know That Movie "Old Yeller"
Where The Dog Protected The Home?
It's My Job To Protect The Home, So I Have To Bark.
R-R-Ruff! R-R-Ruff!
Boys Come By The House, And I Bark.
Pretty Soon, Boys Come By And They Say:
"Old Yeller Lives Up There."
All I'm Saying Is That Some Good Ones Come By
And Some Bad Ones Come By.
Old Yeller-- That's My Job.
Cliff, You Know At The End Of That Movie
They Shot Old Yeller.
"Tomorrow Is, Tomorrow Was, Tomorrow Shall Be An Eternity.
Love, David."
(Knocking)
Who Is It?
It's Your Father.
Come In.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey.
What?
I Want To Meet David.
We Broke Up.
No, No, Now Listen To Me.
I Understand That I've Been Rough
And For That I Apologize.
But I've Heard Good Things About David.
Let Me Ask You...
How Ugly Is He?
No, Look, That's All Over.
I'm Telling You.
What Do You Think
About Bringing Him Over For Dinner Friday Night?
Oh, No Way.
You Don't Know Your Father.
If I Promise You I'll Behave, Then You Bring Him Over
And You'll See A Man
Who Is Gracious And Courteous.
And You'll Look And You'll Say, "Is That My Father?"
Honest.
We'll Eat In The Dining Room.
We Never Eat There.
That's Right.
We'll Eat In The Dining Room.
I'll Break Out The Best China
And Linen Napkins To Dab Our Mouths.
And It Will Be A Totally Adult Evening.
Oh, Right, With Theo, Vanessa And Rudy.
No, No One Under 16 Admitted.
Okay, I'll Go Call David.
Okay.
Thanks.
♪ La-La La-La La-La-La ♪
Cliff, I'm Home!
Of Course You're Home!
Why Would You Yell That?
Mr. Auerbach Walked Into My Office At 5:00 On A Friday
With A Brief For Me To Rewrite.
Clair, Stop!
Look!
And Smell!
Oh, My, Cliff's Salisbury Steak Delight?
Red Beans And Rice.
Turning Out With The Turnip Greens.
And What Is That?
Cliff's Own Deep-Dish Sweet Potato Cobbler.
Another Of Your Dessert Mistakes?
Trust Me.
The Kitchen...
Is Spotless.
You Thought You Would Come Home To Gunga Din, Didn't You?
I Did. I'm Sorry.
Don't Look Out There.
Oh, Cliff.
Why Is There A Pile Of Dirty Pots And Pans In The Backyard?
Because It Came Down To Either Scrubbing The Pots
Or Spending An Hour With Denise Picking Out My Wardrobe.
Look At You.
All Right!
She Took A Flashlight And Went Into My Closet
And Found Where I Hid My Father's Day Presents.
Mom, Is That What You're Wearing?
Is Dinner Ready?
Vanessa And Rudy Won't Come Downstairs, Will They?
Just Be Cool.
The Food's Beautiful.
Your Mother's Beautiful.
I Put Lum And Abner In Their Room
And Nailed The Door Shut.
Just Be...
(Doorbell)
I Got It.
Please, Let Me.
I Want The First Face He Sees To Be Mine.
Where Do You Want My Face?
Right There, Okay?
Forever?
How Am I Doing So Far?
Hello.
Don't Be Nervous.
I'm Not Nervous.
I Am.
You Know My Mom.
Nice To See You Again.
Hello, David.
And This Is My Dad, Dr. Huxtable.
Nice To Meet You, Sir.
Likewise.
I Understand You're A Fan Of Tony Taylor.
Yeah, Tony 'Clean Head' Taylor.
Do You Have This One?
"Tony 'Clean Head' Taylor: Live At The Bohemian Caverns."
Thought You Might Like To Borrow It.
Well, Thank You Very Much.
I Think I'll Play This Right Now.
Mom, Why Don't I Help You In The Kitchen?
(Jazz Piano)
Ooh, I Mean, Taylor--
He Did Things Then That People Today Still Can't Understand.
Nobody Can Touch Him.
Hey, David!
Hey, Theo.
What's This?
Tony 'Clean Head' Taylor.
He's A Genius.
A Genius? At What?
You Like This Stuff?
Give It A Chance, Theo.
Hey, Did I Ask You To Turn The Music Off?
But You Turned It Off?
Yeah.
Would You Like To Ask Me To Turn The Music Off?
Can I Turn It Off?
Yes.
Ah... My Socks?
Don't Be Embarrassed.
I Do It Myself Sometimes.
I'm Not Embarrassed.
To Me, Matched Socks
Are An Unnecessary Rule Of Society.
So, Uh... You Did That On Purpose?
Absolutely. I Never Match My Socks.
You Know, I Listened To Taylor All Through College.
Where Did You Go?
Hillman.
Have You Given College Any Thought?
I've Already Gotten Into
Harvard, Vanderbilt, Stanford And Duke.
You Go Over By Him.
You've Applied To Some Fine Schools.
I Haven't Applied, Dr. Huxtable.
They Came To Me.
And What School Are You Going To Choose?
I'm Not.
You See, I'm Not Going Because
Frankly, I Don't Believe In Grades.
You, Too?
Usually, People Who Don't Believe In Grades
Do So Because Of The Grades They're Getting.
I Get All A's.
But What Does An "A" Really Mean?
Yeah.
I've Been Reading Socrates
And He Believed That True Learning
Comes From Observing The World.
Where Can I Get That Book?
You Don't Read, Son.
Maybe There's A Movie About It.
You Go Upstairs And Do Your Homework.
But, Dad, What Does Homework Really Mean?
It Could Mean A Lot Of Pain If You Don't Do It.
See You, David.
Man, Love Those Socks.
What Will You Do After Graduation?
Spend Some Time Trying To Find Myself.
How Much Time Will That Take?
About Five Or Ten Years.
You'll Be Able To Find Yourself Plus A Couple More People.
Dinner Is Served.
Dinner. All Right, Dinner.
So, How Do You Like Him?
I Don't Know If That's Him Or Not.
He Hasn't Found Himself.
The Entree--
Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak Deluxe.
I'm Sorry, Dr. Huxtable.
I Don't Eat Meat.
The Boy Does Not Eat Meat.
I'm A Vegetarian.
I Didn't Know That.
We Have Red Beans And Rice.
I Only Eat Brown Rice.
Okay, We'll Take The Rice And Burn It For You.
Dad!
Huh?
The Salad Will Be Plenty.
I'll Just Have Salad Myself.
Good. Then There Will Be More For Us.
I Became A Vegetarian
Because Studies I've Read Confirm That Many Illnesses
Can Be Traced To The Consumption Of Meat.
Mrs. Huxtable And I Love To Live Dangerously.
Nothing Personal, Dr. Huxtable
But I'd Expect That Answer From A Doctor.
The Medical Establishment Does A Poor Job
Of Stressing The Link Between Diet And Good Health.
I Understand You're A Real Theater Buff.
Yeah-- One Of My Passions.
I Just Loved "Dreamgirls."
"Dreamgirls"?
David Is Bothered
By The Gross Commerciality Of Contemporary Theater.
Well, We Left That Theater
Humming The Tunes And Feeling Fine.
I Think The Medical Profession Has Done A Good Job
In Stressing The Link Between Diet And Health.
We Disagree On That
And Probably On Other Things About The Medical Profession.
This Isn't The Time Or Place To Discuss Them.
Nonsense. What's On Your Mind?
Don't You Think Doctors Overcharge People?
For Example, How Much Does It Cost To Have A Baby?
It Depends On The Situation.
I've Read That Doctors Charge
Four Times The Amount A Midwife Does.
That's Because A Midwife
Doesn't Have The Expertise Or Equipment That I Have
In Case Problems Arise.
That Extra Money You Charge
Protects The Patient In Case There Are Complications?
Absolutely.
If There Aren't Any Complications
Do You Give The Money Back?
Yeah.
That Salad Needs More Dressing.
No, It Doesn't.
Yes, It Does
And We Need To Bring Out The Main Course.
Excuse Us.
Certainly.
Cliff?
Clair, Don't Ask Me To Go Back In There.
I'm Sitting At My Dinner Table
With A Kid Who Cannot Find Himself
Who Is Finding Fault With Me.
Cliff, He Was Just Asking Questions
Because He's An Intelligent Kid.
He's An Arrogant "Twilight Zone."
It Won't Be Much Longer.
They Said They're Leaving At 9:00 To See A Movie.
Take Me Back In There, And I Warn You--
You Are Dangling Raw Meat In Front Of Old Yeller.
You Can Dish It Out
But You Can't Take It.
That's The Best Conversation
That Dining Room's Seen In Years.
I'm Going Back In There
And You Are Coming With Me.
So Be Cool.
I Hope You're Not Mad
At What I Said About Doctors.
This Is A Good Conversation.
The Huxtables Have Always Enjoyed Good Conversation.
We Have?
What Should We Talk About Now-- Politics, Poetry, Art?
You're An Attorney, Mrs. Huxtable?
The Law.
How Can You Work In A Profession
Where You Defend People You Know Are Guilty
Just So You Can Collect Your Paycheck?
David, According To The 14th Amendment
Everyone's Entitled To Due Process.
I'd Expect That Answer From A Lawyer.
What I Really Don't Understand, Mrs. Huxtable
Is Why Do You Divide Your Time
Between Pursuing Your Career And Raising Your Family?
I Don't Understand Your Point.
Your Husband Makes A Lot Of Money.
Shouldn't You Stay Home With The Kids?
That Is A Sexist Statement, Young Man!
Why Don't You Ask Dr. Huxtable That Question?!
Let's Go Get Some Rolls Or Something.
Come Up With Another Point.
How Dare He?!
Little Scraggly-Leg Pup!
Park His Feet Underneath My Dining Room Table
And Tell Me I'm Not A Good Mother?!
(Imitating Clair) "Dear, He's Just An Intelligent Boy."
Don't Start With Me This Evening.
Listen To Me.
You Know "Old Yeller"?
After He Died, They Made A Sequel--
"Mrs. Old Yeller."
Mrs. Old Yeller Was Worse Than Old Yeller.
All Old Yeller Did Was Bark.
(Barking)
But Mrs. Old Yeller Said:
(Growling)
And She Bit People.
Mom, Dad...
There May Be A Line At The Movie
So We're Going Now.
Nice Meeting You, Doctor.
Yes, Sir.
Mrs. Huxtable...
(Growling)
Heel!
(Barking)
Heel!
Heel...
And Heel Some More.
Oh, Boy, I Sure Do Love This.
I'd Say So.
That's Your Third Bowl.
Hi.
Hi. How Was The Movie?
Okay.
What Did You See?
"South Dakota."
The Western With Rory Calhoun?
No. This Movie Was About South Dakota.
David Comes Up With The Strangest Ideas.
David?
The Wonderful Fellow We Had Dinner With Tonight?
I Don't Know What You Mean.
"South Dakota" Was About This Guy
Who Moves To South Dakota To Live Off The Land.
His Wife Pulls The Plow For Him.
To Farm More Acres
He Marries More Wives.
After The Fourth Wife
David Says, "I Could Really Get Into This."
I Said, "Are You Serious?"
He Said, "Yeah, Maybe."
We Start Arguing Right In The Theater.
Daddy, Would You Ask Mom To Pull A Plow For You?
Yeah.
Would You Pull It?
No.
(Phone Rings)
Hello, This Is The Huxtable Residence.
Hey, David, How Are You Doing?
Just A Minute.
I'll See If She's Here.
Daddy, Tell Him I'm Not Home.
Tell Him He Doesn't Understand Women.
First You Say I'm Rough On Your Friends.
Now You Say...
I'm Not Doing Anything.
You Got Something To Say To David
You Tell Him.
Mom...
This Is Between You And David.
Okay.
I'll Take It Upstairs.
David, I've Located Her.
Hold The Phone A Second.
Denise!
Yeah!
Telephone!
Okay, Thanks, Dad!
Dave, She's Coming To The Phone.
There She Is.
See You, David.
What..?
Get Off The Phone.