Got a little treat for you tonight. My first guest is a young man,
and when I say young man, I mean a young man.
He's landed the lead role in an NBC pilot,
and he won that audition with a song and dance routine,
and we thought he did it so well that you might like to meet him tonight.
Would you welcome Reef Hawk.
Reef.
Give my regards to Broadway
Remember me to Herald Square
Tell all the gang At 42nd Street
That I will soon be there
Whisper of how I'm yearning
To mingle with the old-time throng
Give my regards to Old Broadway
And tell 'em I'll be there 'ere long!
Give my regards to Old Broadway
And tell 'em I'll be there
Yeah, I'll be there
Yeah, I'll be there 'ere long
Yeah
Sure.
Reef Hawk, for the last four decades, America's favorite movie star.
What an unbelievable career you've had.
Starring in three of the biggest franchises in film history,
winning two Oscars.
And this fall, you'll shoot the biggest movie you've ever made.
You've had five years off to reflect.
I mean, is that what you're gonna say? "Reflect"?
I mean, how are you going to frame the five years thing?
Also, I should literally be a famous-ass interviewer.
Even when I'm fake interviewing I'm, like,
- incredible at it. - Incredible.
Thank you. So, what are you gonna say about the five years thing?
Well, I was thinking I was going to say...
I've been working since I was six and needed a break,
and that I needed to find out who I was away from all this.
- I love that. - That works. Totally.
I won't say that I was hiding a heroin addiction from the public,
and that my best friends from high school and my insane lawyer
helped me cover it up for years
- so no one ever found out. - That is a really smart omission.
- Strong omish. - No admish.
You're gonna be amazing, babe.
- You got this. - Yeah.
I'm very lucky to have you two.
And thank you both for being here, and thank you for helping me.
Yeah, babe. Now get out there and tap-dance for Mommy.
Yeah, there are the jazz hands.
That's it.
Two minutes.
All right, look. Before we get started, I just gotta say
this is a career highlight for me.
You, Tom Cruise, Denzel,
- you're my favorite actors of all time. - Thanks.
So, look, first we're gonna start off with the box office records and...
- What? - Do you... Do you mind?
I don't know if anyone talked to you but...
- Oh, my God. He's... - Oh, my God.
- Oh, no. - He's asking about the Oscar thing.
I know. I can tell.
When you introduce me, would you mind not forgetting to say
"two-time Oscar winner" before you say Reef Hawk?
Of course. I was planning on doing it anyway.
I mean, I thought it was something serious. Of course, man.
Yeah. I mean, I would...
I would never even say it. It's just that sometimes
people forget.
Who forgets?
You are the most beloved movie star in the world.
I'm just honored to have you on the show.
- It's gonna be a cakewalk for you. - Thanks, man.
Hi. How are you?
We're Reef's best friends from high school,
but, like, we have our own lives too.
- We're just here supporting him, yeah. - Here to support.
But, listen, you are so fucking charming.
- Yeah. - Enough of that.
I don't want to fan out too much. You ready?
Yeah, let's go for it.
Let's go for it.
- Let's try one. - We'll get one going. Here we go.
Three, two, one.
Tonight I'm interviewing somebody I never thought I would interview.
I'm talking about a legend, an icon, what is there even to say?
Reef Hawk is in the house.
Welcome.
Oh, wait. Sorry, I messed up.
I left out the Oscar part. I'm sorry.
Guys, got to do it again.
- Sorry about that. - No. Oh, no.
- We're leaving this in. - No, no, no.
No, we are not starting over.
People at home need to see this.
Let me tell you right now, if I'm ever the kind of out-of-touch jerk
who needs to restart an intro because you didn't mention an award,
brother, we got way bigger problems.
My man. My man.
Look, that's why the world loves you, man.
The real Reef Hawk. That's amazing.
Reef Hawk, are you ready?
- We're already started. - Yes, we are.
- We've got to go. - All right. Babe, babe.
I know you love MOPing with the crew,
but we're gonna hit crazy traffic if we don't get out of here.
What's MOPing?
M-O-P.
Man-of-the-People-ing.
That's actually pretty fucking funny, homey.
- Thanks. - Yeah, we should get going.
All right, can I talk to you guys for a second?
- Of course. Hey, guys. - Yeah.
- Thanks so much. - We're good.
- Thank you. - Bye.
Did anyone else see the silver fox eye-fucking me?
- What? - I am so serious.
It was so blatant and out in the open, I almost want to, like, write an op-ed.
- Really? - But I liked it.
- Reef. - Reef.
- Reef. Reef. - What are you doing?
We don't know those guys.
They could literally go online and say that I was, like,
being fake or MOPing or whatever insult you just said,
and then people will think that I'm like that.
- Okay. - Okay.
- So... - "So"?
That would be, like, a fucking disaster.
- Reef, chill out, dude. - Yeah.
- Dude, take a deep breath, okay? - Take a deep breath.
It's just...
It's just that you--
It's just that you're always being watched these days and observed.
- Yeah. - Everywhere.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's really weird.
It's really weird.
Okay, but, babe, you just have to--
- It's okay. - Yeah.
Look, it... This was, like, a really stressful situation for you.
- Yeah. - So just take a deep breath.
- It's all good. - I'm sorry, okay?
- Yeah. - I... I was just being dumb
- and trying to be funny, and... - Yeah.
- No, I'm sorry. - No, please.
- I have a lot of anxiety today. I just... - Of course.
- It was huge. - My bad.
- You don't have to do that. - No, come on.
- Love you guys. - Come here.
- You love us. - You love us.
- I love you guys. - We love you.
By the way, you were amazing.
- Oh, my gosh. He is a fan. - You got everything you needed.
Yeah?
Shit.
- Hello. - Bubbi, it's Ira.
We got a big fucking problem.
It's fucked up. It's really fucked up.
It's a total fucking nightmare.
I'll be over at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow.
I'll have my assistant text your assistant my breakfast order.
Beg her not to fuck it up for me.
Do I have shit on my face?
- Yes. - I do?
- Yes. - Oh, my God. That's fucking embarrassing.
- Jesus. - Ira, tell me what the fuck is going on.
There's a video.
Jesus fucking Christ.
- What's on it? - I have no idea.
I thought you buried everything
that needed to be buried without it getting out to the public.
When I got sober five years ago, I changed my life.
And thank God you did. But since you've been out of the game,
everything's changed.
For the record, you are the GOAT. The true GOAT, Bubbi.
You were the best to ever do it. I swear to God.
I hate to say it, but it's nice to be back on the fucking court with ya.
We used to be out here in these streets
smashing fucking concrete, getting our hands dirty.
Hollywood was our goddamn glory hole.
These kids today, they don't know how we used to do it.
You, me, Rourke, little Chucky Sheen,
Stephen Hawking, you know, the original Pussy Posse?
You boys kept me busy, didn't ya?
Can't you just make this go away like you always used to?
I can't, Bubbi. The Internet changed everything.
I know you're panicked,
and we used to get this shit wrapped up with a briefcase of cash in a day or two.
It ain't like that anymore.
You can text me or call me
twenty-four hours a day, just like the old days.
Except for Tuesdays from 3:00 p.m. till about 10:00 p.m.
What's on Tuesdays?
Personal shit. Don't worry about it.
What?
Are you okay?
Do I have to be in here?
Can't I just wait until you're done?
Bubbi, I'm on a massive time crunch.
By the way,
- I love this gay wallpaper. - Thanks.
Xander bought all the art in the house.
Very colorful.
Very gay and classy.
Look, Bubbi, there are some steps we can take in the meantime
while we're waiting this out.
But I need you to be completely honest with me.
There are no more secrets between us.
Look into my eyes. Do not break eye contact with me, Bubbi.
Have you ever killed someone?
No, Ira. I've never killed someone.
I can't wipe my ass with this.
This performative, "I'm a good person," environmental toilet paper.
- What's your assistant's name? - Sammy.
- Sammy! - Yeah?
Come in here.
Can you go into the master and bring the toilet paper here?
- The good toilet paper. - The good toilet paper.
- Yeah. - And, Bubbi, just real quick,
it's primary not master.
- What thread count is it? - Sorry.
I don't know, Ira.
- It's Scott from the store. - Toss it, let me see.
Jesus Christ.
It smells like...
like earring backs in here.
Yes. That means you're healthy.
What the fuck?
Cover your mouth. That's disgusting.
- You've got germs. - I'm... I'm sorry, I--
- Besides the health stuff, it's so rude. - I'm sorry.
Aside from me getting sick, it's rude
because those particles fly into my nose and m...
- Do y... Can you-- - Sammy, just--
Actually, is this fucked up to say I kind of like this?
Turn around, Bubbi, eye contact.
Come closer.
- Have you ever killed someone? - No, Ira.
Okay.
Bubbi, I'm not a judgy person.
I'm more of a "you do you, I'ma go ahead and do me," girl.
Ira!
I have never killed someone!
For real!
You're making me uncomfortable with your anger.
And I think that's something we should look at.
You can have at the scraps.
- I'm sorry, what? - You can have at the scraps.
That's really nice of you, Ira. Thank you.
You know, she's actually great.
- Yeah. - I like her. Next, have you ever watched
- anyone be killed? - No, Ira.
Have you ever paid someone to kill someone?
- No. - Have you ever fucked a dead person?
- No. - Has a dead person ever fucked you?
No!
How does that even work?
Let's just say it starts with Mel Gibson and a whole lot of poppers,
and ends two decks over with the 10:00 a.m. Nate'n Al's breakfast.
You do the math, gorgeous.
Just to be clear, you're saying how a corpse fucks a human being
is that Mel Gibson takes poppers?
You're saying that. You're saying that.
I would never betray a client like that,
and I'm offended you would even suggest it.
I would lose my license to practice law in the state of California if I did.
But just between us, it's pretty fucked up actually.
They partied with the guy like he was alive all weekend.
They actually made a cute little picture about it.
Weekend at Bernie's?
Yes, Weekend at Bernie's, Bubbi.
You're hysterical.
You've gotten funnier.
I need to know everyone who hates you.
Who hates me?
Fuck.
My first manager from when I was a kid probably.
Good, right. The guy who represents kid actors and works out of the bowling alley.
Who else?
My old on-and-off ex-girlfriend, Savannah.
Okay, and?
- Who else? - That's it.
Who hates him?
What?
Who hates him?
Well, off the top of my head,
your old manager, your old trainer, your new trainer,
your old pool guy, your old, old pool guys,
your mom.
Your mom hates you.
Those three shelter dogs that you got when you were lonely
and then returned when you realized, like, they don't wipe their own asses,
and I sure as fuck wasn't gonna do it.
Your old boxing coach, your old tennis instructor, your ex,
and I have, like, a separate list for, like, directors, actors,
costume designers, hair and makeup people, craft service, whatever, la-da-da-da-da,
and, like, executives that you've worked with if you want me to start on that.
Jesus Christ.
Sorry.
Can I just say something? My old trainer doesn't hate me,
because he passed away.
- Okay. - I'm just saying.
Hey,
I believe you, pal, I really do. That's... That's awesome.
You need to go see these people and apologize to them.
Make it right with them.
And without them realizing it, feel out if they're the ones behind the video.
I don't know if I can do that, Ira.
That's way too intense.
Bubbi, you don't have to mean it.
You just have to go through the motions of apologizing to save your ass.
All right, Bubbi, I gotta get going.
Tom Hanks body-slammed his housekeeper.
It's not as bad as it sounds.
They were just roughhousing, but she is in her 70s.
Shouldn't be horsing around like that.
So, I should get over to Cedars and make sure shit's kosher.
By the way, incredible crushed ice at Cedars.
I'll let you know if I hear anything.
My assistant said all of these people don't like me.
Was I an asshole?
Do you want to take longer to answer that?
- Just to people you interacted with. - Yeah.
- Not like fans and stuff. - No.
I think there maybe was a time where your success did go to your head.
And maybe you weren't, like,
super considerate about how you spoke to people.
And now you're very aware.
But up until, like, a few years ago, you could kind of get away with
being a secret dick.
We've known each other for 40 years. We've been there and supported one another.
We have always known the person that was in there.
Yeah, and go easy on yourself.
You were literally on drugs.
It's way easier to support you
now that you're sober.
I mean, at least we don't have to come grab you out of that creepy doll store
you used to buy heroin at downtown.
I mean, you know how many empty, naked baby dolls
I had to explain to the housekeeper? Yeah, I had to look up in Spanish,
"Don't worry, Maria. It's no for sexual.
It's for drug."
By the way, zero parking at the heroin doll store downtown.
Yeah.
It got bad.
It got really scary.
I don't ever want to see that look in your eye again.
You never will.
So, let's do what Ira says.
Make the apologies and find out who's extorting you.
He always gets you out of this stuff.
It's going to be so fun.
I'm already putting together a playlist for the apology/who's-extorting-Reef tour.
Hey, Siri,
whip me up a playlist
for a middle-aged man in extreme state of crisis.
But keep it fun and slutty.
And skinny.
If the party's where you're at Then let me know
Said, uh, don't be trippin' When you see us in the club
I will say, I kind of hate extortion,
but the upside is that we all get to drive around together
like the dumb sluts we used to be in high school.
And I am obsessed
- with that part of extortion. - Beyond.
What I really enjoy about it is that we get to be here with you...
- Yes. - ...Reef.
And guess what else I brought with me?
OMG. Are we going to smoke?
We're not going to smoke. We're 120, okay?
- We're going to fake smoke. - Yes.
I cannot believe kids vape these days.
- They are so gay. - They... They're so lame.
If I saw a kid vaping, I would literally run over to him,
push him over and just be like, "Nice look, virgin."
They're literally an oral fedora.
Fuck. I haven't seen this guy in like 30 years,
and now I'm gonna be late to apologize, and I...
I'm gonna look like even more of an asshole.
I've always said it's not an amends unless you power top it.
Just get in there and just dom it out, babe.
I love outlandish humor with my friends.
You know, kid, I found this guy Reef over at Oakwoods, same as you,
and I signed him.
At this booth.
Same as you.
Right here at this booth.
Reef, can't wait to work with you.
I know our schedules will line up one of these days.
Can you imagine them
letting us two silverbacks pound our chests in the same cage?
I'd sit down and order a salad,
but I've got a 4:30 callback
- for that Valtrex commercial. - Valtrex?
Yeah. I'm reading for the grandson of the woman who has genital herpes.
It's actually quite a complex character.
I love that. Is Ellen casting it?
- Yep. Ellen's such a sweet girl, huh? - Okay. I know she is.
And we love her.
Fuck me. I'm late.
Beautiful day, guys.
Okay. Hey, knock 'em dead, will you?
Always do and will do.
Oh, wow.
Quit cigs. Sixteen days now.
Sorry.
- That's awesome, Red. - Yes, thank you.
Red Rodriguez.
Manager to the stars.
Always bet on Red, baby.
Yeah.
Still out here hustling.
Red.
I came here to apologize to you.
Can I ask you something, Reef?
Of course.
What are you sorry for?
I'm really sorry I fired you.
You know, I remember when I met you by the pool,
and you had no front teeth, you know?
You were so fucking adorable.
You were really there for me at that time.
I was, I was.
But you had this fucking light in you.
You'd light up my days.
And I'm not just talking about the work. The work was always brilliant.
But you...
Well, you started getting jobs,
and there he is.
There he is, huh?
And I was fucking proud, I gotta tell you, and not just because I'm your manager but...
You know,
it was almost as if it was me, in a way, I was so proud.
Then you start running around Hollywood,
and you're getting some bit parts in movies,
you're hitting the clubs, you're getting some pussy,
and I'm getting nervous.
Not just 'cause I don't want you to get in trouble for your career,
but I'm worried about you getting in trouble for you.
And I hear things.
I mean, weed and all that I know, okay,
but I hear the harder stuff.
The harder stuff.
And I didn't know how to handle it, you know?
I did the best I could at that time.
I wanted to smack the shit out of you,
but I still worked for you.
Really, honestly, I didn't know what my role was.
You know, in that whole thing. I just didn't know.
Maybe I handled it right, maybe I did the right thing...
maybe I didn't.
I really don't know. I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation.
Anyway.
Look, I didn't expect you to stay. I didn't expect that.
I know... I know I'm a joke to you guys now.
The bowling alley, the roulette wheel.
I know who the fuck I am.
I know what the fuck I am.
Which is, I'm the guy you leave if I do my job right.
Okay?
I know that. It's all right.
I loved all you crazy little cocksuckers.
I really did.
But you were different, you see.
You were different. You were like...
You were like family to me.
Yeah.
And you know, what gets me is that not one of you guys ever picked up the phone.
Not one.
Every time with you guys,
the last time we spoke was the last time we spoke.
I mean, all I ever wanted was to pick up the phone and hear,
"Hey, Red."
Could've called me.
I didn't have your number.
Hi.
I just want to say I'm a big fan.
- Thank you, I appreciate that. Thank you. - Yeah.
Mate, you're Reef fucking Hawk.
Fuck! You fucking serious?
- There was a period where I did not... - ...ecstasy on a night out...
...speak to my son for three years.
...11 years ago in Sydney.
...you and Sean Penn.
I chucked it in the dumpo 'cause she was on the blob.
Aside from my feelings on the film, technically, it's astonishing.
I must admit, I feel like you chucked it in my dumpo.
Oh, actually.
What's your phone number?
Hey, pal, excuse me. Yo.
Hey, I don't want to interrupt you. I never do this.
I'm a big fan.
I'm not here to blow you up or bug you.
I just want to tell you I'm renting this for a while, wanted to introduce myself.
- Reef. - Yeah, no, I know.
I'm Buddy. I'm everybody's buddy.
We're having some people over today.
If we make noise, some rap music or something, just tell me.
We got tons of food. We're gonna have some celebs.
Cool, awesome.
Hon, the McLaren's taking up both spots, and Yudi's pulling up from Nobu.
I'll take care of it.
Honey, get off your feet. You gotta lay down.
How many cigarettes did Dr. Crane say I could smoke while pregnant again?
He said zero.
Hey, I know you. You dated my grandma.
That's Reef.
Nice to meet you, Queef.
Fucking shit, dude.
Having my first kid.
Well, congrats.
I'm like a kid having a kid.
But I'm under 60.
That's what they call a Malibu teen dad.
You got kids?
No.
Oh, yeah. I read that.
Fuck, you're lucky, dude.
You just get to party 24-7. I gotta deal with this shit.
Anyway, all love, homey.
Have a good one.
I always do and I will do.
"Man's Search for Meaning."
It's like the most lit Holocaust book.
My therapist gave me this one after my parents' divorce.
And, like, in a way, the divorce was my family's personal Holocaust.
You know? Like, the mistress was Hitler.
My mom was like Jesse Jackson,
that black guy that won that medal 'cause he ran really fast.
- Jesse Owens. - Jesse Owens.
And I was like Anne Frank.
You know, because I was, like, hiding from my shame.
This book taught me, like, not to hide anymore.
And I don't think you should either, so I'm giving this to you.
It would be good for you.
Excuse me.
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna give you some privacy.
Ira, what's happening?
Fuck, Bubbi, I'm so glad I caught you. Holy shit.
- What is it? - Did you see a pair of sunglasses
after I left your house?
I'm, like, fucked up looking for 'em. They're Chanel.
Ira, are you fucking kidding me?
No, no, I know. I never splurge like that.
Ira, you scared the shit out of me. I thought something had leaked,
or something fucked had happened with the video.
- Oh, shit. Did something happen? - I'm asking you!
- Are you fucking serious? - Bubbi, I'm fucking with you.
But for real though, shit is not going well.
I got nothing on my side.
You gotta keep apologizing to people. All right?
Oh, hey, Bubbi, sorry if I sound distracted.
I'm getting an IV drip right now.
I'm also doing couples therapy and playing chess.
I'll call you back when I hear something.
So, do you, like, want me to pretend that I don't know what's going on
to, like, make things easier for you or...
or... or what?
Let me think on it.
I may just want to pretend things are not insane with one person in my life.
Sure.
What extortion?
Thanks, Sammy.
It's been so long, Mom.
It has.
I have a lot to...
apologize to you for.
For starters, I was often very rude
about you participating in this kind of entertainment.
I'm sorry for that.
Fuck, sorry.
Could we try that one more time, hon?
The label wasn't cheated towards the camera.
And that was such a great fucking emotional moment.
I'm so fucking touched. Genuinely.
I just have to be sure it's usable because my content partners need it.
Sometimes you gotta tickle their balls so Mommy can get her beak wet.
My son may be a star, but I'm a whole damn planet.
This is so triggering and fucked up for so many reasons,
I can't even begin to tell you.
Didn't you come here to apologize to me?
Yeah. And you'd only receive the apology if we did it on the show,
which makes my skin crawl that you're even on in the first place.
Okay, we'll get to that in one second, you pretentious little fuck.
But for starters, you showed up, didn't you?
You're a little truffle-sniffing fame piggy,
- just like Mommy. - I wanted to please you.
I became famous to please you.
I supported your career, day in and day out,
for nine years of my life.
I wanted a parent, not a business collaborator.
When you were a little kid, you begged me every day to be on TV.
Begged me.
I'm talking tantrums, days-long tantrums.
Fits, making scenes, screaming, carrying on.
I didn't know what to do.
I was 25 and you were 6.
So I moved us across the country, away from your father, my husband,
away from my parents, my support system,
into a shitty little month-to-month in the Valley
so I could take you to auditions every day.
You were my focus.
Your father left us.
Not just you, he left me too.
I sacrificed my marriage.
Who were you sacrificing anything for when you were 25, Reef?
But then something amazing happened.
Your fucking dreams came true.
And I went from being a little nobody in the middle of nowhere
to, suddenly, my son singing and dancing on The Tonight Show.
You became a big, famous actor.
You got everything you ever wanted.
Mom.
I was a kid.
Kids don't know what they want.
Kids want to be astronauts.
Yeah, and some of them actually do become astronauts,
the ones whose dreams are supported by their mothers.
Mom, I felt used and exploited.
You stopped seeing me when I got on this show.
You stopped talking to me.
Your fucking mother.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
That's not okay.
Can we take that from after "You're right,"
but before "Sorry, that's not okay"?
I want to get a different reaction on my side.
Jesus fucking Christ!
- You see? - What?
You even take a moment like that and make it for the show.
You make it for show.
I was actually feeling in that moment.
I didn't say anything about your take.
I bought it. Your delivery was very strong.
I just wanted one where I cry and one where I don't on my side,
so the editor will have options.
What even is an apology, Reef?
Is it for you? Is it for me?
Isn't an apology just a show also?
This was such a fucked idea.
You are such a scorched unit.
Not everything is one thing, Reef.
Yes, I want to be great on the show,
but I mean everything that was in this conversation.
Just because the cameras are rolling doesn't mean it's not real.
Just because it's performative doesn't mean that it's not the truth.
Why can't it be both?
You and I see things so fucking differently, Reef.
I've accepted that.
I hope you can too one day.
I'm not trying to change you.
So don't try and change me.
Kyle, your abstinence dog is out here.
Do you want me to let him in or do you a favor and put it down
so someone will date you?
Just put it under the window over there, guys. Thanks.
I should not be lifting this couch right now.
I have been so nauseous today.
Babe. Maybe you're pregnant.
Has that unhoused gentleman outside of General Nutrition
that you've been romantically intertwined with
not been using contraception?
- Babe. - Yeah?
I'm as at risk of getting pregnant as you are.
- Because you're old. - Yeah.
That's the meaning of that bit.
Just making sure you understood the math of it.
Oh, yeah, no. I... I got it. Thanks.
And Reef, I know you can't handle any of the Housewives stuff...
- Yeah. - ...but, like, your mom
is so fucking major and iconic.
Like, what was she wearing?
I need details.
Babe, lay off the mom stuff, okay?
Even though we're all dying to know what she was wearing.
No, it's okay.
But it's not her.
It's not her.
Okay.
Reef, Reef, Reef!
- Hello. - Be in my office, one hour.
I got the fucking dream team assembled for you, Bubbi.
One hour. Be here.
Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because I have assembled
the greatest group ever to protect our boy, Reef Hawk,
and bathe him in the waters of our combined genius.
Nothing?
Prince?
Whatever.
Reef, I would now like to introduce you to your new crisis team.
Or as I call them, the R-R-R-R-R-R-Reef Unit.
Didn't land.
Okay. Tough room.
I'll start with one of the greatest to ever do it.
One of the world's most renowned lawyers,
the most legendary advocate for women whose rights have been violated!
Her legal reach is wide and long,
and, my man, you know she doesn't mind that!
Ira.
Ladies and gentlemen, Virginia Allen-Green!
Reef, it's nice to meet you.
Don't you represent women who are victims of terrible men?
Not if I hire her first.
I'm not... I didn't, like...
- Oh, I know. I know. - Oh, we know.
- Bubbi, we know. - I wouldn't have accepted this
if I thought this was a MeToo type of thing.
- But if it is-- - It's not.
- We know. - No, no.
- I know. She knows. - I know, I know.
- We know, we know. - Yeah.
- We know. We know. - We know. We know.
I, of course, know.
But if it is, you're gonna want Virginia here, Bubbi.
Speaking of, I would now like to introduce you
to the third in our Three Tenors of naughtiness.
Ladies and gentlemen, the sultan of social justice,
the rabbi of race relations!
He's bringing sexy back
...to the Civil Rights Movement.
Ira.
He's been preaching since age three, and, boy, is his soul tired!
The Reverend Leondrus Carter!
Shut the fuck up, Ira.
He's still sore about last time we worked together.
Yeah, because you completely ruined the entire thing
and embarrassed the shit out of me and my client.
Here we go again. Did you follow the Jussie Smollett thing?
The two racist guys who beat up the Black actor,
and it ended up being set up by him?
Leon and I came up with that at lunch one day. It's a killer idea.
We pitched it around town and Jussie was the most passionate about the project.
Sometimes these things are reverse engineered
where the idea comes before the talent.
You know, like when a movie studio has a franchise,
- but they don't have a star attached? - Then tell him what happened, Ira.
You're such a fucking hypocrite, Leon. You're one of my best friends,
I love you more than life itself, but you're a hypocrite.
You're always on me about hiring more Black people,
so I hired two Black guys to beat up Jussie.
This is me growing with elegance, and all of a sudden I'm the asshole!
You hired two Black guys to play white supremacists
to commit a hate crime against a Black guy!
You stupid motherfucker.
It's impossible to keep up.
Hire Black guys, don't hire Black guys. Make up your mind!
I shouldn't have to explain this one.
You're acting like I didn't even post a black square a couple years ago.
You saw that. I storied it.
It wasn't on my permanent grid, but I storied the black square.
I obviously know who you are, and I'm a fan, Reverend.
But why is he on our team?
I pray to God you didn't say the word on that video.
What?
No! I would never.
- Oh, I know. - We know.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- We know, I know, he knows. - Yeah.
- We know. - Of course we know.
- We know, brother. - But if you did...
I will smack the living shit out of you.
And then,
we're gonna hold hands and walk through the fire together, my brother.
I'm not a racist.
Reef, while we totally believe you aren't racist,
we do know for a fact you have done racist things.
Which is very common,
except, in your position, is incredibly dangerous.
I'm Unis Kim.
I'm a lawyer and activist.
I'm here because I famously started the hashtag "Stop Imitating Asian People."
I did, by the way.
- We noticed. Thank you for doing that. - Thank you. No, thank you.
Reef, do you recall a scene from a...
Jesus, I'd hate to call it a film...
a thing you were in called
Titty School Six: Let's Get Tit-tarted In Here?
An '80s, low-budget teen comedy
Ira buried when you got famous?
We think someone may have found it.
Do you recall a scene from this film
in which your character, Israel Boner Shartstein,
is tasked with breaking into
the girls' sorority to steal their bras and panties?
And in order to pull off this caper,
you, as your character,
dress up as a geisha to sneak into the sorority?
We think someone may be framing the scene in a modern context
to use it to cancel you for being racist against Asian people.
It was a scene in a stupid movie.
It wasn't me, it was a character in a movie.
Doesn't matter. Hey, wait.
Where's Moshe from the Anti-Semitism Committee?
We ran the numbers.
It turns out that hating Jews doesn't negatively affect a person's career.
In fact, it could even help.
Like, that sounds like
- a freak-o acid trip. - So, what,
you go through every hypothetical, fucked-up thing
you may have ever done in your entire life?
- Yeah. - If we broke down
my texts to my dry cleaner on Tuesday, I'd never work again.
I mean, it felt like fire against my skin the whole entire time.
I hate that you're being put through this.
I just hate it when you're sad.
You know, I was thinking about when you got clean,
how you never did AA or any other program like that
'cause you were just, like, so worried
that people were gonna recognize you and out that you had a problem,
and how that would, you know, affect your image of course.
But a big part of all of that is doing the steps, right?
Apologizing to the people you hurt.
Maybe this whole thing is, like, the universe's way of making sure
that you apologize to the people that were hurt by your addiction, you know?
I'm sure there's a lot of people that would appreciate an apology from you.
Right, Xander?
Yeah.
Sure.
You're right.
Fuck, this is hard.
I need to apologize...
to Savannah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna try and get back before dinner, but thank you.
- Yeah. - Thanks.
What the actual fuck?
Dude, I don't even know what I said.
- It was like... - He's just...
What?
Why did I...
- So stupid. - Oh, babe. No, you're right about that.
- No, it's stupid. - Come here.
I don't think you're stupid.
Reef.
Savannah.
Here we are.
Dude, you are so annoying.
I can hate you or wanna kill you
or even forget about you, but then you sit here in front of me
and you are still the goofy kid
lighting fireworks off at the vents behind the mall,
almost going deaf.
Jesus. I haven't thought about that in so long.
Such a little twerp.
Always showing off for everybody, center of attention.
But I always liked you in moments like this.
When it was just us talking.
Nobody to show off for.
I pulled it off. Photo finish.
Don't worry, they're not yours.
That's not funny.
Okay, Reef.
Do they have your sense of humor?
They're smarter than me.
Let's hope they make better choices.
I'm really sorry I let you down.
How do I put this the right way?
I want to use the correct verbiage here and not mince words.
You're not a good person.
I wasted years of my life on you.
With you.
And about you because it's always about you, Reef.
Let me guess. Xander and Kyle haven't been this honest with you
about your behavior in these conversations.
They never had a problem lying to you.
Or for you.
Yeah, you don't stick around long with this kind of realness. Do you, Reef?
But I'm not around anymore.
Thank God.
Because after the last thing...
The last thing that happened.
Yeah.
It took finally allowing a good and devoted man to love me
to realize that I'm not just a distraction to run to
and toy with when you're...
when you're depressed or...
lonely or between movies or...
literally bored.
Only to discard when something amazing would happen.
No, you're not.
Correct.
I used to think that telling you all this would make me happy.
It doesn't.
My family makes me happy.
My ch... My children make me happy.
Ira?
Bubbi, I need you to come straight back to my office.
I got us a call with the guy. He's ready to negotiate.
Same seats. Shit. I gotta run.
Adam Driver bought a pet chimp and it ripped some lady's face off at the mall.
They're cute when you buy 'em, but then it's like--
Wait. Ira!
Ira, we have him on the line.
All right. This is it. At your stations. Okay?
Put him through.
Hey, Ira. Yo. How's things?
All good over here. Just in the office solo doing a million things.
Oh, yeah.
By the sound of that speakerphone and the cavernous echo in the conference room,
I can tell it's just you in there.
Fuck you. What do you got?
I'm assuming Virginia, Leondrus and the crew are all in there with you?
- Hello, all. - Nope. Wrong again.
Okay, Ira.
Hey. By the way, I wanna say, Reef, if you're there too,
which I'm pretty positive that you are...
I should legally disclose that I'm your neighbor
who's been renting a house next to you for the past few months.
What the fuck?
"Legally disclose." Since when are you a stickler for the law?
All right. Well, you know, not legally, but, like, homey to homey.
I thought I should tell you that. It felt fucked up not to.
All right. So what do we got here?
Okay. As you know, I can't reveal much, but I have procured a video
from a person who wishes to sell it to the highest-bidding media outlet.
I would like to offer Reef the opportunity to buy it first.
How fucking generous of you.
All I can tell you about the video is this.
He comes.
The price is 15 million. The deadline is Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.
Peace.
"Comes."
- Oh, God. - "Comes."
"Comes."
This is the actual worst moment of my life.
"He comes."
I accept that.
I do. I accept it.
But who says coming is bad? Right?
- Yeah, it's a good thing. - Yeah.
- Nothing bad about it at all. - I'm sex positive.
- Come makes babies. - Yeah, yeah.
Babies grow up to be doctors.
Doctors heal us when we're ailing.
Technically he's right.
You know who's made out of come?
- She is. - I'm not made out of come.
Absolutely are.
Even Reef Hawk.
Dramatic pause.
Matinee idol.
Handprints in the Grauman's Chinese sidewalk.
100% completely come-based.
I believe in the profundity of this argument.
This young lady here. Come.
That felt wrong even as I was saying it.
But I urge you to hear me when I say this.
None of us in this room would be here without come.
Am I wrong?
Applause.
If you want.
If you want. If you want.
- No! - Whoa, whoa. Bubbi.
You don't understand, Ira. You don't understand.
I've been so fucking careful!
Hey. You're okay.
I've never filmed myself. I've never been filmed with anyone.
I've been so fucking careful!
Why is this happening to me?
What did you just say?
Why is this happening to me?
No, before that.
"I've been so fucking careful."
Before that.
"I've never filmed myself." And, "I've never been filmed with anyone."
What?
What is it?
You were filmed without your consent.
It was nonconsensual.
- Virginia, do you wanna explain this? - I'd love to.
Reef, have you ever heard of victim capitalism?
No.
When you were growing up, you wanted to be an actor.
You wanted to be a gifted artist and that in turn would bring you riches and fame.
You were part of the recognition for talent generation.
But people got tired of having to work hard and actually be good at something.
Why do all that work? It's exhausting.
And the odds are so terribly low of succeeding.
So, here come the Kardashians.
The big bang happened.
Attention culture.
And it is huge.
Now you don't have to do anything special to be famous.
You just have to be.
You just have to make enough noise to garner the attention.
Any kind of noise. Any kind of attention.
And this brings us to the birth of social media.
Now anyone with a phone can have it at the push of a button.
That sweet, sweet nectar of attention.
And then, it was ignited.
The spark.
Victimhood.
The only way you can become rich and famous in this culture is to be a victim.
Victim capitalism.
The best thing you can be in our modern society is a victim.
And you, Reef Hawk, are a white, middle-aged, rich, famous,
straight movie star who is indeed a victim.
You're a fucking unicorn.
This is gonna be the biggest year of your whole career.
I mean, you're gonna be a bigger star than ever.
You know what we have to do, right?
We've got one move.
Live interview.
That's right. A live interview cuts him off at the knees.
Talking about the video before they have a chance to leak it
makes you the victim and gives us all the leverage.
God, where are they?
We're gonna be fucking late.
Everything okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just running a little late and it's the one day a week
I gotta be out by a certain time.
Hey, I know that was a lot.
Sit with it tonight.
Digest it.
Ira,
you have a really weird job.
It's like you just wait for a call that I got in trouble.
Bubbi, you ever think about...
why you thought it was okay to get in the kind of trouble
you got in for as long as you did?
Everybody's a psycho when they're young.
Myself, number one.
But for everybody else in the world,
all these people, they can't act like that forever.
I had real life hit me like a fucking train.
But when my phone rings and it's you, I pick up.
I always pick up.
There he is!
- Hey, hey! - Sorry, Ira. We hit crazy traffic.
- No worries. LA, baby. - So bad.
The traffic. Come on. Are you crazy?
Buddy. There he is. My boy.
Dad!
- What? Are you too old to kiss your dad? - Oh, come on.
When you were a baby, I used to kiss your face.
Dad.
I still see you as this little... fat, little, chunky little guy.
- Dad, I hate being late for the Dodgers. - Yeah, I know. I hate being late.
- I'm sorry, buddy. I-- - Yeah.
But we got to listen to Britney Spears's audiobook.
And let me just say she lived a very wild life.
She's the best. She sang at your mom and I's wedding.
Hey, you know who this guy is?
- Reef Hawk. - That's right.
OG client of your dad's.
Always wanted you guys to meet each other, but Reef's always very busy.
So, Reef, do you have a girlfriend?
This guy with the "girlfri--" Always with the fucking girlfriend.
- Not right now. - Well, same here.
We're on the same boat.
That's what I tell him. He's gotta keep his options open.
Yeah. Dad said I gotta keep my options open 'cause I'm a handsome guy.
Cool and handsome guy.
Just like Reef.
Hey, you guys should be wingmen for each other.
Just try and leave some pussy for the rest of us.
Shut up, Dad.
What do I always say? Keep your options open.
- Yes. - Never sign anything.
- Check the Saudi money. - Check the Saudi money.
- Right. - Okay. Hey.
I'll check in tomorrow.
Enjoy the game.
- See you later, Reef. - Nice to meet you, man.
Don't do alcohol and say no to crack, Reef.
Hey. I told you not to tell anybody about that.
You're not supposed to repeat that shit.
Get in the car, guys. Let's go.
Reef Hawk.
Hey.
I think I read a couple of years ago your dad hung himself, right?
It's so funny. I'm reading the new Jennifer Egan
and the main character's a rock star
whose mom is on a reality show and the dad hangs himself.
I mean, it's a rock star.
It's not a movie star, but it's crazy close, right?
Anyway, check it out if you have a flight or something.
You can breeze right through it.
Can I just say what we're all thinking?
A live, tell-all interview while pretending to be a victim
seems like the actual complete opposite of what you should do.
What's the alternative?
Give everything up I've worked for my entire life?
I have what everyone dreams of.
I can't just throw it away.
Let's just, like, sell everything and move to Hawaii.
Open a smoothie stand or something.
Yeah. There we go.
I'll open a smoothie stand.
What a brilliant idea.
You just seem a little off lately, so...
Look, I just wanna make sure that you're--
Make sure I'm what?
Are you implying that there's something important that I'm hiding from you?
Reef, dude. She's just asking you--
I know what she's asking.
I don't know why it's such a big deal.
It's a big fucking deal.
Because questioning that
is questioning the very core of everything I am the last five years.
Everything I've fought and clawed and promised to not be.
So you questioning that isn't just a chill little question.
It's calling me a fraud.
So what the fuck are you asking?
Don't fucking curse at me ever.
Don't ever talk to me like that ever.
You are under immense pressure and anxiety,
so I am asking you as somebody who loves you,
are you strong in your sobriety?
Because you have that look in your eyes you promised I wasn't going to see again.
How fucking dare you.
How dare I? How dare I?
I ask you because I am someone who loves you
at times more than you are capable of loving yourself.
I ask because I would rather you throw some little bitchy,
diva, movie star tantrum and not be my friend for a month
than to walk in on you overdosed again thinking that you were fucking dead.
Which you don't even remember, but was, like, the worst moment of my life.
Dude, you're a 56-year-old man who might be back on hard drugs.
So when I ask you, it's not because it's fun for me.
My sobriety is stronger than fucking steel.
And as far as moving to Hawaii and opening a smoothie stand,
that might be in the realm of possibility for you.
But honestly, Kyle...
Yeah.
...I don't have the patience or the fucking energy
to fake being able to relate to your shitty little life today.
I live in an existence you literally have no way of understanding.
Oh, fuck.
You're right.
I have no idea.
I hope that you do that giant interview
and I hope you get more famous and more rich.
More attention.
As it seems to historically serve you super well.
And you know what? I love my life, my shitty little life.
You know why?
I get to be whoever I wanna be.
All the time.
I wish you cared about what we thought of you, Reef,
more than a bunch of people on the Internet.
And the next time you do a performative apology tour,
throw your two best friends on the list, you sad fucking junkie.
Why are you still here?
I ordered food and I already paid for it on the app.
Why did you stay my friend, Xander?
I hate emotions so fucking much.
When we were in high school,
every other word out of everyone's mouth was "faggot."
Including mine.
And one time, you slept over in tenth grade
and you asked me point-blank if I was gay.
And I denied it for hours and we got into this big, screaming fight.
And you said to me...
You said you wouldn't not be my friend if I was gay.
You would only not be my friend if I was not myself.
Because that would be too hard to watch.
When you act gross like this, I choose to remember that person.
There's three bags in there.
Hi.
Great to see you, Drew.
It's great to see you too.
Thank you for doing this, by the way.
I mean...
I've been thinking about you a lot lately
and how much our lives have paralleled
and the things we've been through.
It's a very, very unique experience.
Like when we were kids.
Like why did we do this, and who did we do it for?
One minute to live air.
You know what's funny?
I didn't like you.
Is that funny?
You were always so smug. You know?
But then when Virginia called me and told me what really is going on
and what you are surviving as a victim...
I mean, and the fact that you were willing to talk about it
and share everything and share it with the world...
I mean, you're a hero.
And I want to interview that hero.
It's gonna be great.
Yeah.
I'm going to leave.
What?
I'm gonna leave now.
- Thirty seconds to live air. - Wait. No. You can't.
D... No, no.
We can talk about other thi...
- I mean, we need to talk about... - Yeah.
- ...the thing but... - I just don't wanna do this.
But you're here?
- Why would you do that? - I'm really sorry.
- I'm really sorry, Drew. - Did I say something?
No.
But, you cannot do this. We're about to go to live TV in...
How many seconds?
Ten seconds to live air.
What the fuck are you doing, Reef?
God fucking damn it.
You fucked me! I will fuck you so hard!
I'll fucking go Ellen on all you motherfuckers!
Bubbi, hey, it fucking worked.
Ira, I'm leaving.
No, you don't understand.
It worked.
What worked? I didn't do the interview.
Yeah, no shit. You didn't have to.
And I knew that even threatening a live interview
would force their hand and it fucking did.
It's just some random nobody who found the video on his ex-girlfriend's computer.
They caved. I got him from 15 mil down to 35K.
35K
and this is all behind you for the rest of your life.
Hello?
I don't know.
Fuck do you mean, "I don't know"?
I just wanted all of this to go away.
And now that it's right here in front of me...
It's just so fucking wrong.
Bubbi, it's 35K. It's a fucking 4Runner.
You pay it.
It's the cosmic tax.
Hey.
This is so crazy.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, you're Reef Hawk, and you're talking to me.
- Like, what? - Yeah, I don't know.
You're a huge movie star, dude.
Like, shouldn't you be at a big party or something?
I mean, I've been shooting in Albuquerque for, like, six months.
Living in this... hotel room.
I guess I'm a little lonely or something.
That's no good.
Don't you have, like, a wife or kids or a family or something?
No.
No, I don't.
Why not?
I guess...
I guess, when it came time to do that, I...
I always chose something else I thought was bigger or more important.
That's really sad.
Do you wanna see my tits?
Sure.
You have kind eyes.
Thank you.
I just need you for two minutes outside?
- Yeah. - Okay, great.
Gail, can you call valet and have their cars pulled up?
You know, I've thought and fantasized about what I would do or say to you
if I ever had the chance.
Do you hate me?
No. No, I don't... I don't hate you.
I love you, man.
I'm just broke.
There aren't words for what you mean to me,
and the shame I feel for what I put you through.
You're my whole life.
But it's not about me.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
I forgive you too.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Do you need a hug?
Yeah?
There we go.
I love you, guys.
Thank you, Reef.
Hello?
Hey, hi.
Who is this?
It's Reef.
Reef. Reef?
What can I do for you, Reef?
I'm just calling to see how your day is.
What do you mean?
I mean, how's your day?
Like, how are the events of your day?
What do you mean, how's my day? How are the events of my day?
What does that mean?
I'm just asking how your day is.
Like, what you did, and how it is.
What the fuck do you mean, how is my day?
What do you want, Reef? What's your angle?
Red, I'm calling to see how your day is going.
Like, how you are.
Like, how you're doing.
Well, thanks.
How I'm doing? I'm just hanging out.
That's all I'm doing.
Nice.
That's awesome.
Yeah, but there's n-- You know, nothing crazy.
- Same old. - Yeah, yeah.
Same.
Not a whole lot here today either.
Well, that's nice. That's nice.
- Girl. Girl, girl, girl. - Oh, my--
- We got this. We got this. - Who are you?
The second most interesting bitch in this room.
Trust.
Three, two, one.
Good evening and welcome to
the prime-time special edition of The Drew Barrymore Show.
We begin tonight with a gentleman I do not know.
Hi, Xander Alexander.
Huge fan and you soon will be of mine as well.
So much of your show is about your guests coming on here and unloading on your tits.
And I just want you to know that today, I'm here to take that load for you.
Well, let's get the tissues out and do this right now.
Yes.
First of all, I don't know if you know anything about my past
but, you know, E.T. changed my life.
Actually, I always thought it was "et." You know, like French?
Never seen it before, saw the poster.
Know how relevant it is, know how important it is.
From what I understand, it's about you and a bunch of other little kids
finding a little old Jewish guy and taking him for a ride on a bicycle.
The bald guy, you just put a blanket on him
and take him for a ride on a bicycle.
Again, I haven't seen it.
I've only seen Call Me by Your Name and The Notebook.
I'm Reef Hawk and I got staph in the sauna.