Trick or treat.
In grade school, I knew these two
kids in my apartment building who were born October 31.
For years, they mistakenly believed
that dressing in costumes and going
door-to-door begging for candy is what every child
did on their birthday.
Billy?
It's your birthday today, too?
Huh?
No, it's April 6.
Then what are you doing stealing our candy?
This is our special day.
Then you got people born in late December
always griping on how their fam fold
their birthdays into Christmas.
Is this a birthday or Christmas present?
It's both.
You're so lucky.
You're just like the baby Jesus.
Pray me.
But let me tell you, for Valentine
brats, those of US born February 14th, it's the absolute worst.
Birthday parties are always themed.
The cups, tablecloth, the cake.
Happy birthday.
Oh, I so, so love it.
Better like hearts, because every gift you get
for the rest of your life will have a massive, ugly red one
stuck on it.
If you're a boy, you still have to buy your sweetheart a gift.
If you're a girl, guys will never buy you two gifts.
It's like, kill two love birds with one stone.
I so, so love it.
When you get older, nobody wants to celebrate with you.
They're with their significant others,
And don't even bother making up excuses to blow you off.
Sorry, we're all booked up tonight.
Restaurants are the worst.
Jacking up prices for the exclusive sweethearts menu.
And the best establishments always way overbooked.
Psst. You two.
You talking to us?
Mm-hm.
My-- my boyfriend broke up with me tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
You know, we weren't right for each other,
like you two obviously are.
That's so sweet of you to say.
So I was thinking, why don't you guys go ahead and take
our dinner reservation.
Wow.
Really?
You'd do that for us?
You have to be the nicest person ever.
Aw, I'm just trying to pay it forward.
So what time were you guys thinking about eating?
8:30, I guess.
OK.
Say 50 bucks?
You know, for the broken hearted.
Um, yeah, of course.
Enjoy your evening.
Oh.
Aw, I so, so love it.
I'm OK and I plan on staying this way.
I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm sleeping real good at night.
No matter what--
I know what you're thinking.
This chick is a little sleazy, scalping
restaurant reservations.
Yeah, maybe.
But I'm doing this for what I think is a very noble reason.
This holiday blows major chunks.
I'm not trying to end relationships here,
though, statistically, tonight has the most breakups
for the entire calendar year.
I'm just trying to make my special day a little less
special for everybody else.
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Tom and Harriet Banks
are the lucky winners of this past weekend's
super lottery dr--
US family allowed me
to bundle for home, auto, and life, saving up to 23%.
But more importantly, it helps my loved
ones feel fully protected.
US Family Insurance.
That's so beautiful.
Hey, Mom.
Happy birthday, my treasured Valentine.
How was your day?
Tell me everything.
Did you dance all day and night?
Did you howl at the moon?
Tell me you did something very fun and romantic.
I told you at Christmas, we broke up.
I know.
I know, but you that was then, this is now.
Did you get my gift?
Yeah, yeah, I got them right here.
Thanks for the diabetes.
- Honey, OK. - No, it was that--
I know. I'm sorry.
You know that I hate celebrating.
I know you hate celebrating this day.
Well, let's reframe.
It's the very best day of the year,
because this is the day that love is in full bloom.
And this is the day that your father turned to me with tears
in his eyes, and he said, this is by far the greatest,
most perfect valentine that I--
- Could ever wish for. - Could ever wish for.
And so it is.
Did you get the card?
Because you know, that's certainly
the best part of the gift.
OK.
Don't freak out.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
I know.
I know you're going to think that I went over the top
on this one, but I really--
I miss you.
I miss you, my baby.
Mom, I would love to see you.
I really would, but I just, I can't right now.
Are you kidding?
Are you-- did you see what it is?
It's a luxury resort.
It's right near me.
It's fun, sun, mimosas, bodies.
I mean, what more do you want?
I'm not really into the whole pampering and massages.
Listen, it doesn't expire for a whole year,
so just bring a friend or bring a lover.
I'm not even dating anybody.
Remember what dad said?
There's magic in the week.
$50 won't even get me an Uber to the airport.
Huh?
What?
Listen.
Stay open to your soul and your soul mate.
I don't believe in soul mates.
I gotta go.
My pizza's here. OK.
Love you.
I love you, too. OK.
Bye. - Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, my favorite, my favorite valentine.
Hi, a large pepperoni with ricotta.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
Oh, wait, no, no, no, come here, come here.
Last time you left and I opened the box,
and it was filled with pineapple and anchovies.
No way that was a Giovinazzo's.
All right?
I would never allow a monstrosity
like that in my restaurant bearing my name.
Oh, an owner who delivers?
An actual commitment to excellence.
Yeah, me and my twin, Mickey, own it.
We-- we gave the delivery boys the night off so they could
be with their sweethearts.
What's wrong?
Did Mickey sub ricotta with mascarpone again?
Why is my pizza carved into the shape of a heart?
What do you mean?
It's Valentine's Day.
So I get a quarter of my dinner
sliced away because today is February 14?
Sheesh, you're not a romantic, I'm guessing.
No, no, I love romance.
I just have a long standing hatred
for this specific holiday.
Oh, OK.
You see, it all starts off in grade school when you have
to make these glitter-covered shoeboxes for exchanging
stickers of cartoon animals proclaiming
their love and devotion.
"You're foxy."
"Some bunny loves you."
"You're a whole llama fun."
Llama fun?
Received too few, and you're marked a loser.
Too many, and your second grade slut.
And what is with the chocolate samplers?
It is like the candy industry picks today
to unload all of those disgusting chocolate truffles
with the cherry slime inside.
Like, what even is that gunk?
I think it's an enzyme.
Mid-November has the biggest baby boom because nine months
earlier was Valentine's Day.
But do you know why hardly anyone ever is born today?
Because 9 months earlier was Mother's Day.
See, mothers would rather have brunch and pass
out on mimosas than screw.
Well, not my mother, but I digress.
And don't even get me started on that patent heart-shaped logo
that's on everything.
Have you ever seen a real heart?
It looks more like a pink avocado with ventricles,
not like this.
But you thought, oh, people love an upside
down butt-shaped pizza.
How come you don't carve it into a clover for St. Patrick's Day,
or a turkey for Thanksgiving?
Or how about a ham and pineapple star of David for Yom Kippur?
I don't think you can eat pork on High Holidays.
Shit.
God, dude.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
No it's fine.
Look, pizza's on the house.
No, no, no, I couldn't.
I'm sorry, I just--
sometimes, I just get like, worked up--
Your heart was in the right place.
Or the wrong place.
Am I right?
No, no, no, hold on.
Let me at least just give you a tip.
No, thanks. You already gave me one.
Never shortchange a woman's pepperoni.
No, no, no, seriously, hold on.
Oh, shit.
I don't have any cash.
Look, really, it's fine.
I'm good.
Here, here, take this.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
You're good.
Oh, my God, yes, 1,000 times yes.
This week on Fiance Factor, Bachelor Greg
has made his decision.
Ow.
What?
Tricia, open up.
I gotta talk to you.
Girl, ew.
I told you we'd celebrate your birthday tomorrow.
I found this outside.
Well, don't bring it in here.
This ain't SeaWorld. - What?
It was in the alleyway.
I don't want it to get run over by a car or something.
What do I do with it?
Put it in the sewer and feed it pizza.
How the hell should I know?
Can you ask Steve?
Come on.
Please.
It's so cute.
Babe, we need your zoological expertise.
Come on now, what?
Just put on your underwear and come out here, please.
It's an emergency.
All right.
Gina, just because you hate Valentine's Day,
doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone else.
It took me so long to get the baby down.
And then it took me even longer to get him riled up.
And if I give him another Cialis,
he's going to stroke out.
I'm sorry.
This guy's not a thoroughbred anymore, OK?
I gotta ride that old mare straight to the finish line.
If he breaks a joint or stumbles,
I'm going to have to put his ass down.
That's right, she gonna to have to put me down.
We better do something, cause this pill about to run out.
So what's up? - Hi, Steve.
I'm sorry to ruin your evening, but I found this turtle outside.
That is not a turtle.
Oh, then that is one ugly pekingese.
No, it's a tortoise.
Oh, cool.
Hey, come here, little fella.
Hey, how you doing?
Let me go ahead.
This is beautiful.
Wow.
Did you know in some Asian cultures,
a birthday greeting from a tortoise symbolizes good health
and longevity?
Oh.
Oh, well, you heard him, Gina, blow out your reptile.
Well, should I call the ASPCA, or the Wildlife Preserve?
No need to do that.
Yeah, it's a boy.
His name is Gus.
And you can call the owner at 818-555-4321.
That's incredible.
How did you just know that?
Because it's written right here on the belly.
Oh, I was almost impressed with you, honey.
Why don't you take him back?
Bye, Gus.
Take care. - Bye, Gina.
- OK. - OK, have fun.
I'll see you later.
All right, you better come here.
Gina?
Oh, yeah, hi.
Hi.
You got her right here.
Oh, hi.
You must be Gus's father, Andrew?
Oh, no, we're not related.
He's just my roommate.
Or did you think my name was Father Andrew?
If so, no, I'm not his priest either.
Hey, you buddy, miss me?
Look what I got, your favorite.
What's the matter?
It's endive.
You love this.
Look, mm, delicious.
Mm.
I think he may be filled up on pizza last night.
No, he's just--
he's just mad at me.
We got into a fight and he stormed out in a huff.
What, did you leave dirty dishes in the sink or something.
No, it was actually over a girl.
A lover's triangle, that old cliche.
Was she human or reptile?
Technically, human, but pretty cold-blooded, actually.
It's my ex and Gus's owner, she moved to Buffalo
and left us both in the lurch.
Oh, and no child support, I'm guessing?
Again, we're just roommates.
Right.
So when did she skip town?
Over a year ago.
But every couple months, he tries
to dig his way out of the yard and he goes searching for her.
Aw.
That's so sad, I may cry.
Oh, yeah.
Well, tortoises aren't like humans.
They're relentless when it comes to love, and they never give up.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
And clearly, this guy is obviously
looking for a pretty girl.
Um, your reward, madam.
Thank you for taking such good care of him.
Though quick tip, pizza's really a turtle thing mostly of
the Teenage Mutant persuasion.
No, no, no, no, I couldn't.
He wasn't a bother at all.
Really?
OK.
Then how about letting me buy you dinner?
Damn, you were fast.
Yeah, well, I get that from Gus.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even ask if you were single.
Yeah, and you assumed because I spent
my Valentine's Day digging through a dumpster
that I might be unattached.
It did cross my mind, yeah.
So, what do you say, Portabello's at 8:00?
Is that some kind of scam where you go to a pet store,
and you buy a bunch of tortoises,
and scribble your name and number on their bellies,
and then release them all over town, hoping to score
some date with a gullible animal lover?
You mean a creep?
Yeah, yeah, are you some kind of creep?
Oh, no, no, I meant a group of tortoises is called a creep.
As for the missing pet grift, nah, I'm not that clever.
Nor can I afford that much endive.
So you're not playing me?
I'm not a player, scout's honor.
But technically, I'm not a scout either, so.
- Nor a priest. - No.
Mm.
OK, yeah.
Why not?
Yeah?
- I can do Portobello's tonight. - It's a date.
It's a date.
OK, I'll see you then.
Though, if you do find an iguana with my information on it,
I lost him when I was 10.
And yes, I did set him free in hopes of attracting
eighth grade hotties.
I'll be on the lookout.
OK.
Bye, Gus.
We're going to be all right.
We're going to be all right, yeah, all right.
Backmen, party of two, Backmen.
Hey, let's just take the table.
They're clearly not here.
We can save ourselves some time.
Oh, don't be silly.
That would be dishonest.
Last call for Backmen.
Should have made a reservation.
Um, yeah.
I'm a die-hard Raiders fan.
Of the Lost Ark?
Me too.
Though, I still think that The Last Crusade is
my favorite Indiana Jones film.
No, no, Raiders, the football team.
Oh, right, yes, oh, yeah.
Do you know them?
Are you into sports?
Do you consider working out a sport?
I do not.
Then, no.
OK, OK.
What do you like on your pizza?
Oh, well, this is a French restaurant.
I don't think they have pizza here.
I know that.
Just, what's your favorite pizza topping?
Oh, like in general?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, well, there is this delicious wood-burning oven
establishment on the West Side that has a pear, goat cheese,
arugula pizza pie with a cauliflower
crust that is simply divine.
Pizza pie.
Your wine, sir.
Oh, great, wine.
That is something I believe we both can share a love for.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Fill 'er up, good sir.
Oh, a little bit-- just--
Oh, OK.
Just a normal pour for me.
Yeah, just-- and just the regular ounces.
Thank you.
Yes.
Well, to Gus.
To Gus, yeah.
It's a slow sipper.
Can you tell like, the notes of the butter and the--
I'm picking up alcohol.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, thank you for dinner.
You were not a creep, and in absolutely no way a player
at all.
Appreciate that, I think.
So, we should do this again?
OK, yeah, maybe.
- OK, well, you have my number. - Mm-hm.
And thank you again for finding my little--
- Empty your pockets! - Whoa, hey!
- Now! - OK, I'm sorry.
I-- I didn't hear you.
Hey, dude, We have a young tortoise at home
that needs his mommy and daddy.
- You think this is funny? - No, no, no.
- Huh! - No, no, no, sir,
- you're the boss. - Here, take my wallet.
You can have my phone.
Take my watch.
Will you just please let the lady keep her stuff?
And the purse.
Come on, come on, take my pork medallions.
They're very good.
They were sauteed with wild mushrooms
and a white wine reduction.
I don't want your damn leftovers.
Just give me the purse.
Look--
Hey, hey, hey, wait, man.
I think that I know you.
The hell you do.
No, no, no, no, from the sports bar
downtown at the Chargers game.
I think that we high-fived when the Raiders won.
Actually, man, I think that we hugged.
Which sports bar?
How do you think we're going to do this year?
I think we're going to go deep in the playoffs
if we can fix the secondary, but we need a strong safety that can
punish receivers like Jack--
Tatum.
Exactly, dude, the assassin.
If that dude hit you, you are not getting back up.
Number 32, part of the zone.
That man was the GOAT.
It is bullshit that he's not in the Hall of Fame.
- Total bullshit. - Bullshit.
Total bullshit.
OK, all right, yeah, I guess you guys can go.
- Here. - What?
But I am keeping a 20 for myself.
Yes, yes, of course.
Sure, yeah, take as much as you want.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, bless you, man, seriously.
And God bless Al Davis, RIP.
Raider Nation.
What the hell?
Ah, ride or die.
Raiders for life.
Silver and black forever.
Yeah.
Those pork medallions, can I still have them?
- Yes, please have them. - I'm starving.
Take them.
Whoa.
That was-- are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I mean, I'm still shaking, but wow, feeling
an adrenaline rush here. - OK.
Woo!
Easy, cowboy.
Do you want to call it a night?
Or maybe you can get some dessert
and walk off all this energy?
I'm getting the sense that you want to walk off some energy.
- Yeah. - Ice cream?
Do you want to go get some ice cream or something?
OK, great, great.
OK.
Let's get out of here.
OK.
Come on.
Raiders.
Raiders, man.
I mean, what luck!
He roots for your team, and you had
a previous encounter with him.
That's incredible.
I had never seen that guy before in my life.
No, no, no, but you had a whole elaborate handshake,
and the Raider Nation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw a tattoo of a shield on his neck,
and I just assumed he was a member of Raider Nation.
So--
We degenerates, we bleed silver and black.
Hold on a second, you were lying?
Yes, yes, I was.
Dang.
I'm even more impressed now.
It's kind of cold tonight.
Here.
You're interesting, a bit dangerous,
I think, but very, very interesting.
So I scare you?
Oh, yes, very much so.
You'll call me tomorrow?
And perhaps, the day after that--
and the one after that, too, actually.
Let's take it further, see what's behind it,
tell everybody what's going on.
Let's run together, cause we are one, cause we are one,
yeah, we are one.
We're just living our, our, our dream.
Flying into space--
Babe, your breakfast is ready.
Coffee, please.
Going to try to get in five miles this morning.
Any interest? - No.
Right.
Oh, farmers market when I get back?
Well, the game is on at 1:00, but maybe
we could go see a movie later?
Blade Runner is at the New Art in 70 millimeter.
No, no, no more retro '80s junk.
No, no, no, no, this one's set in the future.
What year does it take place?
2019, damn it.
No, babe, no, if we're going to go out,
I want to go get like, a big, fat, greasy burger,
and go see something new.
What is this?
An early birthday surprise, maybe.
Open it up.
You've had that on our fridge for the last year,
so I gathered you're really itching to go
to that swanky hotel and spa.
And it's near your mom's place, right?
Right.
So you thought spending vacation time with my mother
would be a nice birthday gift.
And Valentine's present.
Look, Greece is one of the most romantic places in the world.
And don't you think it's high time that I
met your mother in person?
I did promise that I would go see her.
And, yeah, I haven't seen her in, like, three years.
Yeah, we'll see ancient ruins, beautiful beaches,
Mount Olympus.
Trust me, it is going to be great.
Farmers market, think about it.
Let's get it going, going.
Let's get it.
Let's get it going, going.
Let's get it.
Ugh, tofu.
Do you want a little tofu?
Gross.
I have the vacation days.
I don't know, it's just a long-ass flight.
I wish someone would take me to Greece.
Last vacation I went on was a colon clinic in Phoenix.
How long have you two been together?
It'll be our one year anniversary.
That's like, your longest relationship.
That's impressive, considering you
two have absolutely nothing in common.
Wait, I thought you liked Andrew.
I do like him.
He's sweet, kind, funny, doesn't think P.F
Chang's is a nice restaurant.
I love the guy.
The question is, do you?
Yeah, yeah.
OK, so we don't have the same taste in movies or music,
and he only eats that disgusting, organic, nutritional
crap.
But, Trish, I have been with so many toxic, emotionally
unavailable guys that turn out to be
bigger douchebag liars than me.
Impossible.
And what is it about me that just attracts these losers?
Well, that's because you an avoidant.
I knew you were listening.
I'm a what?
An avoidant.
OK, look, it's a pattern of bad behavior
that's characterized by a person who has a lack of intimacy,
closeness, vulnerability.
Nobody asked you.
Girl, what's wrong with you?
You almost knocked the LEGOs on the--
No, he's right, he's right, but Andrew's different.
He's trustworthy and he's reliable.
He's a keeper.
And I'm turning 30 in two weeks.
So we're talking like, marriage?
It's come up.
Well, you know, Greece is the fifth most popular proposal
destination in the world.
I mean, right after that, you got the-- you got Central Park,
you got the Eiffel Tower, the Brooklyn
Bridge, and the Grand Canyon.
Could you stop mansplaining, and get over here, and help me
put away these socks, please?
OK, I'll be over there in a second.
He does whatever I say.
I bet you he's right, though.
He's going to propose.
No.
OK, but if he did, would it be such a bad thing?
I mean, as long as it's not on my actual birthday.
Right, V-day.
Yeah, oh, I shutter at the thought
of having another milestone on that dreadful date.
Well, you just have to tell him.
And say what?
Please don't propose to me on my birthday/the most
romantic day of the year?
Yeah, well, just explain to him
that February 14th is a dark tumor on your cold, dead heart.
You know, just do me a favor, don't you propose to him, OK?
That's demoralizing for a man.
I'm sorry, honey, I know you're sensitive about that.
I love you, sweetie.
I love you, too, but that's definitely a trigger.
Don't listen to him.
He loved it.
Paradise, paradise.
The last time we were here, the toilet overflowed,
and it just totally ruined our luggage.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
When was your stay?
We always make note of these types of mishaps in our system.
Oh, oh, well, I didn't--
I didn't want to get anybody fired,
so I kept it on the down low.
Yeah, Gina is all about being discreet.
I just want to make sure that we're
not in the exact same room as last time, you know,
bad memories.
Well, I have you in the room.
Although, the concierge did say something about an upgrade
on our next visit.
Uh.
Not necessary, though.
No, no, no, not necessary.
Look, we have waterproof luggage now, see?
And I'm sure that you guys have steam-cleaned
the feces out of the carpet.
Um, I think, yes, I have an available suite
on the third floor. - Oh, great.
- Great. - Great.
Great.
Thank you so much. That's so kind of you.
- It's not a problem. - Thank you.
And tell me about this suite, does it have a view?
Babe, why don't you go relax, and I'll
finish checking us in, OK? - OK.
Please? I got this.
I'll get us a good room. - Good room, OK.
Thank you.
So, just the view.
And could you maybe send a blender up by any chance?
No.
OK.
Where does it go when the feeling's gone?
I'm back in the car with the radio on.
Hey, hey, hey, over here, over here, up here.
Hey, you.
Me?
Oh, my God, I didn't expect to see you here.
How you been doing?
Um, good, I guess.
This place is awesome, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
Yeah, I can't thank you enough.
Let me buy you a drink later, several drinks, huh?
OK, maybe later.
All right.
I'll see you around.
OK.
All right, we're all set.
Who was that guy?
No freaking clue.
Huh, all right.
This place is great.
Yeah, shall we?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Have a good one.
Well, we have a few hours before we need to be at your mom's.
Want to take a nap?
What are we, senior citizens?
Oh.
Babe, do you realize you just tipped that guy 50
euros for bringing up two bags?
What? I did.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love you so much.
And your innocent nature is exactly why I fell for you,
but you got to be more careful.
There are a lot of slick con men out there.
Like earlier, that cabbie totally would have ripped
you off had I not stepped in.
I don't know if I was being ripped off by that cabbie.
No, he was.
And then the woman that wiped the bird
poop off your shirt earlier, she was a pickpocket, honey.
That's like a classic scam.
Yes.
No.
I love you so much, but you are what they
call an extremely easy mark.
Well, maybe I'm just not a cynic
who thinks that everyone's out to get me
and lying to me all the time.
I mean, then again, I've never had a problem
being a truthful person myself.
Excuse me?
I mean, like, maybe now that you're turning 30, you
might want to try-- you might--
Hey, how about I put our stuff away, and get you a drink,
and you can lay by the pool and wait for me?
Does that sound good?
OK.
I love you.
Hey, hey, I thought that was you.
Oh, you must come here all the time.
Do you have any good restaurant recommendations?
Oh, I think you have me confused with somebody else.
This is actually my first time to the island.
Oh, you don't remember me?
Johnny Giovinazzo.
Giovinazzo's Pizzeria.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're the owner, right,
you and your-- your twin?
Yeah, Mickey, yeah.
And you're the reason I'm on this swank-ass vacation,
I mean, my first island adventure,
except for that one time I went to Staten Island
for my cousin's wedding.
It was all right.
The reception was beautiful.
They did the whole thing up in, like, blue carnations
and crepe paper, had this big chocolate
fountain in the center.
You could put a marshmallow on a stick, dip it in the chocolate.
Hold on. I don't really care about the wedding.
Wait, what do you mean I'm the reason for your vacation/
Oh, your tip, the $5,000 gift card to this amazing resort.
It was very generous.
Wait, hold on, I did what now?
Yeah, I thought it might be a scam, like, I'd
have to sit through some 12 hour timeshare seminar,
but this place is legit. Thank you.
I love it.
Why would I tip $5,000 on a $20 pizza?
That's what I said.
And then Mickey thought, maybe you work for the hotel,
and you give free stays away all the time, and whatnot.
No no, no, that was a birthday gift from my mom.
I thought that was a $50 gift card.
Oh.
Oh, oh?
You're a fricking thief. - I am not.
Look, I thought if anything, if you'd want it back,
you would have called the shop.
You know, I waited all year.
If I didn't use it this week, it would have expired.
Hey, Gina, they have passion fruit.
Oh, shit.
Look, look, I'll make it up to you.
How about free one topping pizza for a year with drink purchase?
No, no, OK, that's my boyfriend coming.
Please don't tell him about our generous tip.
We just had a whole fight about this.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Um, so it turns out I did know that very
loud stranger in the lobby.
He's an old pal from the neighborhood.
Johnny Giovinazzo. How are you doing?
Nice to meet you.
Andrew, great.
Pleased to meet you, too.
How long have you known Gina?
Gina, oh, we go way back, like, grade school.
Whoa.
That's some history.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, well, it was great to see you.
Second grade, you know, she slips a Valentine
into my little shoebox.
It's got a cartoon llama on it.
Gina, you remember what it said?
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Come on, yeah, you do.
I don't remember what it said, no.
It said, "Johnny, I think you're a whole llama fun."
That's adorable.
And you guys have been friends ever since?
Oh, yeah, real close, real close.
Gina, how's your dad?
Still dead.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.
And your mom, is she still getting you those pricey gift
cards for your birthday?
- Yep. - Wow.
You remember that it's her birthday tomorrow?
I mean, I guess it is hard to forget,
as it is on Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day, that's right.
She hates that.
I remember this one time-- you'll
love this story, Andy-- she got a sheet
cake in the shape of a heart.
She was so mad, she chucked it at the Shetland
pony her mom got her.
That is so Gina.
Oh, my God, the thing that ate up all the frosting,
went insane from the sugar rush, trampled a bunch of kids,
knocked over a bunch of food, gifts,
and then it kicked a hole right in the bounce house.
It was like a tiny bucking bronco.
No.
That really happened?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I guess it really happened.
- Wow. - Yeah.
OK, Johnny, well, it was really great seeing--
Hey, Johnny, we got some big plans tomorrow,
but how about you have some breakfast with the birthday girl
before we take off?
Oh, no.
You know, I can't think of a single reason not to.
Really? Really?
You don't see one reason why you wouldn't?
All right, well, great.
Say, 8:00 in the dining hall?
8:00, it is.
All right, I'll catch you later, Jyna.
That's what we called her back in elementary.
Jyna? You're kidding.
- OK, bye now. - Later.
Bye, bye.
Jyna.
I like him.
Jyna.
There was exploding tile everywhere.
And not only does she make our landlord fix it,
we got free rent for a month.
Yeah, it was entirely her fault.
That's my Gigi.
I mean, ever since she's been a kid,
she's been a thrill-seeker and a world class BSer.
That's not totally true.
It's not?
No.
No, no, yeah, yeah.
Well, well, speaking of childhood,
did you tell your mom that we ran into your old school
pal, Johnny?
Johnny?
Johnny, yeah, Johnny Giovinazzo, from second grade.
You remember Johnny.
Second grade, hmm, Johnny, I don't--
that name doesn't ring a bell.
That name would ring a bell, Giovinazzo, no.
Well, from how they tell it, they were thick as thieves.
Mm-mm.
The only person that Gigi was close to
was her dad, and her football card collection.
Mom, Johnny, you--
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, you-- you remember Johnny.
I remember second grade, the Melcher kid.
And you whacked him with the wiffle ball bat.
What's a wiffle?
You said he was wearing a Denver Broncos jersey,
and you gave him a bloody nose.
Oh, my God.
I really shouldn't laugh at that.
But, you know, it was funny.
No, I know that you know Johnny.
He was like my best friend.
Oh.
You've had too much wine.
Oh, excuse me?
I've-- I've also had a lot of wine.
Yeah, I've had a glass and a half.
Yeah, we've all had too much wine.
I'm going to go to the bathroom before we go to the hotel.
OK.
Want a little top off?
Uh-huh.
OK, here.
Wendy, I was wondering--
OK.
Doo-doo-doo-doo, the brim-- - Oh, sure.
- the brim, the brim. - Yes.
Well--
Can you maybe tell me more about young Gina?
She never talks about her friends, or her dad, or--
She was daddy's girl.
They were thick as thieves.
One would start a thought, and then
the other one would finish it.
He didn't like spicy mustard, so she didn't like spicy mustard.
It was just that kind of thing, you know?
It was-- it's really crushing that he isn't here to see
the woman that she's becoming.
Right.
Well, speaking of, I have a little question
that I want to ask you.
We're going to go with champagne, but they said
prosecco is like, basic, so I--
No, I didn't know.
Oh, hey, you know, I should probably
use the facilities also.
Yeah, well, go to the facilities.
Yes ladies, excuse me.
Yeah.
These are the best days we'll always remember.
What's going on?
What?
You're glowing.
No.
Yes, you are.
No, my skin just has a natural, healthy shine.
Mom, what did he say to you?
Nothing.
He's so handsome.
He's nice.
Oh, crap.
He asked you for your blessing?
I know not of what you speak.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Is he going to propose? - No.
- Tomorrow. - No.
On Valentine's Day.
No, no, uh-uh, wrong, [ERROR SOUND].
Damn it.
Why didn't you tell him to just wait,
like, one day you know that I'm not going to like this?
I don't want it to be on Valentine's Day, mom.
Is it because he has something romantic planned?
I don't know.
- You do know. - No, no.
You do know, mom.
Here he comes.
All right, babe, ready to head out?
Yeah.
OK.
Wendy, hope to see you soon.
Yeah, of course.
I'll see you soon.
I mean, why would I see you soon?
I don't know why I'd see you soon.
I'd love to see you soon.
But then again, you know, why the rush?
Whatevs.
Take it all in.
Got to make it last.
Lost in the feeling.
It's gone too fast.
OK.
Bye, mom.
I'm going to kill you.
Have yourself
a very special birthday.
Don't love it when you sing.
Love you.
Good night.
Bye, Wendy.
Oh, you were right.
Told ya.
Wait, about what?
He is going to propose.
Congratulations.
He's going to propose sometime today.
Santorini Island, oh, man.
Ooh, did you know the sunsets over the turquoise
Aegean Sea is legendary?
How is it you know so much about romantic destinations,
yet, you took me to Applebee's for our 20th?
Well, Romeo here thinks he's going to do it at sunset.
I know.
I'm getting that impression.
Better hurry, babe, if you want
to eat before the boat leaves.
Yeah, almost done, honey.
Oh, I just gotta keep him busy all day.
Maybe I should just tell him that I've got the runs.
Knowing him, he'll just slip the ring on a spoonful of Pepto.
Oh, yeah, hiding the ring
in something, that's classic.
Oh, you better stay away from flutes
of champagne or fancy parfaits.
OK, OK, OK, wish me luck.
OK, good luck.
And if you need anything, text us.
Don't call.
We might be having sex.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Looks like Gina's going to trash another Valentine's Day.
I mean, it's such a waste.
Mm-hm.
So how are my little men doing?
Well, your little men do not want to eat any of this stuff.
So what I'm thinking is, I may go get him some nuggets,
and get this little guy some creamed spinach, you know,
something special for Valentine's Day.
Yeah, why don't you do something special
for the tortoise?
Why don't you splurge and take him to Applebee's?
Maybe I will.
Cause Applebee's is a five-star restaurant,
and he deserves the best.
I don't know.
I haven't spoken to him all that much.
Him and his twin brother own this pizzeria
in the neighborhood.
Oh, any good?
Yeah, I like the calzones.
Hm.
Why do I need to sit there and pretend that we're buddy-buddy?
I wonder who the woman is.
I don't know, maybe his girlfriend, maybe?
Sure are going at it.
I want to go to the spa.
You promised me.
You promised me to relax.
Wow, she's very fiery.
I don't want to sit and have breakfast
with somebody I don't know.
Hey, Andrew, Gina, this is Mickey.
She's my--
Girlfriend, obviously, because if she was your sibling
or something like that, we would have
met before because we've known each other for so very,
very long.
Girlfriend?
I'm not his girlfriend.
Hm?
I'm his fiance.
Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
So, Johnny, Gina tells me you own a pizza
parlor with your twin brother.
Ha, I wish.
I bet you do.
And we're-- we're actually just leasing the building.
Oh, oh, I see.
And what about you, Mickey?
What do you do for a living, if I may ask?
- I'm a supermodel. - Oh, wow.
- Oh. - No, you're not.
Am too.
Don't be ridiculous.
Your hair cut is ridiculous.
Guys, guys, it doesn't matter.
She's-- she's just a regular model.
Not one that you could Google and realize
has never done an actual campaign.
Not yet.
I just finished modeling school in France,
and I'm trying to decide what agency to sign with.
Oh, well, I'm sure you'll be very successful.
You're obviously beautiful enough
to be on the cover of Vogue.
Oh, merci beaucoup.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, cheers, everyone.
Cheers.
Wow.
Mickey, you want to maybe take it easy on those?
And you might want to shove this pancake up your butt.
It's a lalagite.
I know it's a lalagite.
You think I don't know what a fricking lalagite is?
We're not back in the block--
It's a Greek pancake-- It's not gabagool--
Greek Pancake, you gorilla.
God, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, no no no, no, we've had our fair share
of lover's spats too.
Right, lovers.
Yeah, you know, we've-- we've spent a lot of time together,
but not very much on vacation.
It's actually our first time.
We've never had to share a room.
Really?
Because you still have that awful snoring problem,
right, John?
Still got it, Jyna.
Yeah, Andrew, I got a sleep apnea.
It's the worst.
She gets to sleep in the master bedroom,
and I got to bunk downstairs, right, Mickey?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, sure, sounds like a pig.
You know, they say vacationing is a litmus
test for relationships.
Like, the close quarters, and the pressure of traveling
can give you a clearer picture of your compatibility,
and hopefully, find out if both of you
are prepared for the long haul.
Exactly.
Like, if one person wants to see ruined buildings--
Ancient ruins.
and the other person wants to enjoy
the luxuries of a five-star resort,
then they should let her.
One, I think the resort's expensive enough as it is,
and two, I want to see some culture.
I mean, I've never left the country before.
I ain't never seen another country neither.
Well, except for France.
I've never seen France.
Modeling school.
What I mean is, I never left the dorm, except for class
or the library.
Mostly, I was studying and writing thesis papers.
In Paris?
That's hard to believe.
It really is.
Speaking of surprises,
Happy birthday--
Oh, no.
to you.
Everybody.
Happy birthday--
Her name is Gina.
to you.
Happy birthday, dear Gina.
Happy birthday to you.
I think you're going to like the filling.
I'm so scared.
Make sure it really goes through.
Yep, I'm cutting.
Yeah.
It's strawberry, your favorite.
Oh.
Yeah, I got them to put real strawberries in there.
Oh, my gosh, this is amazing.
Oh, oh, this is so good.
I love it. - Oh, no.
Hmm? Everything OK?
No, it's Tricia.
She says, Gus is sick.
- Oh, no. - Well, who's Gus?
Our roommate.
I better call home.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - OK.
Oh, honey, why don't you go take
it outside where it's quiet? - Do you guys mind?
I'm sorry. It will just be a second.
OK, honey, I hope Gus is OK.
I'm sorry your roommate is sick.
How long has he been ill?
Oh, Gus is in fantastic shape for an 80-year-old.
That was all me.
I had a neighbor send a text.
All right, Giovinazzo, here's what's going to happen.
See that beautiful man right there?
He's planning on proposing to me today.
Congratulations.
No, which we cannot let happen.
Why?
Because it's Valentine's Day.
Uh, wait, what?
What I'm thinking is we need to keep Andrew distracted
for the next 15 hours or so.
Girl, I don't even know you.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with lying.
Because you suck at it.
I suck?
You suck.
Modeling school in France?
Well, does he have a runny nose or any trouble breathing?
Is he acting lethargic?
I mean, isn't he always lethargic?
Sunken eyes, swollen eyelids.
Sunken eyes and swollen eyelids.
Which one is it?
Um, both?
OK, all right, well, you have our keys.
So once you locate the medication,
just call me right back.
I don't mean to rush you, but the boat tour leaves in 20.
Oh, honey, I don't know.
I'm really worried about the cell service out at sea.
And I really should walk Steve and Trish
through Gus's treatment. - Yeah.
They may need to rush him to the vet.
Oh, my God, yeah, of course.
Whatever you want to do today, babe, I'm game.
Gus is the priority. - Yeah?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Hey, I have an idea.
Look, she paid for this whole vacation.
At least we could do is give her one day.
She's weird, like you.
I mean, who has an 80-year-old roommate?
Here they are.
Hey, guys.
I don't want to ruin your Valentine's Day,
but we've got a proposition for you.
I'm not doing some sick Greek orgy.
- Shut it. - OK.
What do you guys feel about splitting up for the day?
We thought since Johnny here wanted to see the sights,
he could take my seat on the cruise.
And, Mickey, you can take our spa voucher.
Yeah, the idea is, you can have a relaxing massage
while Johnny and Gina catch up on old times
and check out the islands.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah, and today's activities, by the way, are all on me, OK?
I don't want my girl to be stressing out on her birthday,
watching me pace around the suite.
You seriously would be doing me a huge favor.
It'll be a really good distraction.
Well, I think we can give up one day of our vacation.
Yeah, I think that'll be all right.
Yeah, and then tonight, afterwards,
you'll meet me on the resort's patio at 11:00 for drinks?
Yeah, yeah, or maybe midnight, if we're running a little late.
Sounds perfect.
Can't wait to get pampered.
OK.
All right.
Are you sure you're OK with this?
Yeah, yeah, babe, they're not in a good place like us.
They could use some space.
And besides, tomorrow is our one-year anniversary.
That's the day that I really want to celebrate.
All right.
OK?
OK.
Gus is going to be fine.
It's going to be OK. - All right.
- OK. - OK, OK.
OK.
Got all the bars.
Look, pushing it back a day is a good thing for Andrew.
This day has always had some bad juju.
I don't know.
Still seems a bit silly, like, there's got to be more to this.
No, no, nothing.
I just-- I don't want to get engaged until 12:01 tomorrow.
And until then, let's just put it out of our minds,
enjoy my final day of freedom.
Hi, would you guys care for a glass of champagne?
Is a tortoise's ass watertight?
How much do I owe you, Miss?
Food and drinks are all complimentary to newlyweds.
Oh.
You hear that, Mrs. Giovinazzo?
I sure do, my sweet, dear husband.
And the bullshit train keeps chugging right along.
Mm-hm.
I already forgot it's Valentine's Day.
Heart-shaped bruschetta, madam?
It looks good.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Steve tried rubbing the ointment in his mouth,
but Gussie just keeps putting his head back in his shell.
Just Steve, just put it on your finger,
and just shove it in there.
No, no, no, no, no, don't do that.
Gus's beak will chomp his finger clean off.
Oh, OK, don't do that.
No, he said don't do that.
You know what?
We're going to have to apply it rectally.
Uh, you're going to have to stick it in his butt.
Wait, why? Why would I do that?
He's not even sick.
Shh, do you want Andrew to hear?
Guys, needs to be a quick jab, a quick jab.
Just go in and out.
Are you sure?
We're doing this for Gina, OK?
Can you just like, get over yourself and stick your finger
in the tortoise's butthole?
Guys, please listen to me, in and out,
or else, the anus will seal up.
What's that now?
Yow.
Little--
Guys, is everything OK?
Steve?
I just bought that tent.
Is Gus OK?
Guys.
And how did you two meet?
It's actually an awesome story.
You want to take it this time, babe?
No, you tell, please.
Well, me and Gina were actually
born three minutes apart in the same hospital
in a quaint little country town.
No way.
What town?
Chugwater, Wyoming.
Johnny's great, great, great, great
grandfather, Lieutenant Ulysses Chugwater founded it in 1876.
Fascinating.
Yep, so there's little Gina in the bassinet right next to me.
But we actually didn't meet for another 20 years.
In Pittsburgh, at the Funtime Waterpark.
See, Gina got trapped in the enclosure of the pirate's plunge
water slide.
Yeah, I got jammed right up in there.
Because I mean, you don't mind if I tell her, right, babe?
No, please tell her.
See, Gina had a bit of a weight problem.
She was soaking wet, I'd say, what, 330?
Yeah, 325 in a bikini.
Well, you look wonderful now.
Oh, she did back then, too.
So I came roaring down the slide.
I smack right into all of her.
And then next thing you know, they keep sending
down kids one after the other.
We start piling up.
Parents are screaming, terrified for their little ones.
There's about a dozen of us there.
I thought we were all going to drown.
Yeah.
My word, how'd you finally get freed?
Well, it was actually thanks to Gina's clever ingenuity.
You see, because of the weight, she
always carried extra chocolate bars on her everywhere she went.
In a bikini?
Hypoglycemia.
Yeah, so she--
she starts rubbing them Snickers up and down her legs.
Next thing you know, kids are squeezing out
between her thighs, one after the other,
gliding safely into the pool below.
Let me tell you, when I saw her rise up in the water,
sunlight in her hair, ass covered in chocolate and nougat,
I knew she was the one.
Well, that's a-- a-- a charming story.
There's my husband.
I should go.
Bye, bye. Take care.
It's a celebration.
Life is what you make it.
Sorry we scared you.
I guess it was a false alarm.
Yep.
Woo.
So is there any way you can go catch up with Gina?
I'm afraid not.
She's probably way out at sea by now,
but we're going to celebrate later tonight.
Got a big surprise for her.
Oh, I wonder what it is.
Well, I'm sure she'll tell you tomorrow.
Oh, speaking of, do you guys have any Valentine's plans?
Kind of a sore subject.
Honey, do you have any grand, romantic gestures
planned for us tonight?
I gave you a beautiful baby boy.
The least you can do is buy me something on Amazon.
And jumper cables are not acceptable.
Oh, you know what?
There's someone at the door.
I will talk to you guys tomorrow.
Thanks again.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Oh.
You got that spa voucher for me?
Yeah, oh, yeah, one sec.
Here you go.
So I'm going to hit the gym, work up
a sweat before that rub down.
Oh, that's smart.
Working out alone is so boring, don't you think?
Hint, hint.
Oh, you know what?
I should probably wait here for Gina--
Oh, come on.
just in case.
Please.
Well, I suppose I did steal your fiance today,
and I could use a little exercise.
OK, yeah, why not just?
Give me a second to change.
Hmm, wonder where all the guests are.
Oh, well, probably stuffing their faces with baklava.
Well, then we get to decide what to watch.
Listen up now--
We'll need your squad.
Wait, go back, go back.
No amulet.
Let's go.
Look.
That one.
The Monster Squad?
Summer movie classic.
Before every blockbuster, was a remake, sequel,
or comic book anthology.
1980 to 1989, that, my friends, is the golden age of cinema.
Oh, I am totally with you.
Oh, see if you can keep up.
I'll try.
Oh.
How'd you catch a girlfriend being this slow?
Oh, Gina's idea of fitness is reaching over for the remote
to watch more football.
Well, Johnny's the same.
Yeah?
Stupid gorilla.
Come on.
Hey.
Wolf Man's got nards.
Love that one.
Come on.
Woo.
Oh, yeah.
I can't agree.
Yeah, look at the numbers.
Same era, Cliff Branch's are way better.
This one has four Super Bowl rings.
Bradshaw only has three.
Only three?
Largent, Brown, Moss, Carter, they don't have any.
Megatron.
Getting a ring doesn't mean squat.
Well, that's not what you're planning
on saying on Andrew tonight, break the poor kid's heart.
I thought we agreed you were done on that subject.
You're right.
It's your day.
So how'd you get into be a Raiders fan?
Date one of their punters or something?
I wish.
It was my dad's team.
Your dad, he's still dead, right?
Yeah.
Such a dumb ape.
Woo, ah, woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
You missed me, or more likely,
I didn't want to talk to you.
She must be in a dead spot.
Are you sure this is OK?
I know I paid for a couple's massage,
but we're not technically like a real couple.
Dude, you really need this.
Talk about a tight.
Lay your ass down, will ya?
You're making me tense.
OK, all right, yeah.
I suppose it'll be fine.
Thank you.
Just get down.
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, yeah, right there, oh, oh, ooh,
yeah, right there, right there.
Keep going. Work that spot.
Keep going.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, God!
Oh my God.
Yeah, oh!
Bet no one's ever accused you of being frigid.
Are you and the missus having trouble in the boudoir?
Me and Gina?
I'm sorry, but we just met, and I'm
not really sure that that topic is you know, appropriate.
Cool, whatever.
Yeah, focus on the glutes.
Really get in there.
Oh, .
I mean, she's loving, but guarded.
Like, for instance, I hadn't even heard anything about Johnny
until yesterday.
She never shares anything about her childhood,
or her family, especially her father.
Doesn't that seem strange?
Huh?
Oh, so sorry, zoned out.
What were you-- what were you saying?
Oh, never mind.
Cool.
I mean, it's just a wild roller coaster.
I keep feeling that this track we're on
is suddenly just going to whip my ass in a new direction,
and I'm white knuckling the guardrail.
Meanwhile, she has her hands up in the air
like she just don't care.
You know what I mean?
Mm?
Sorry, zoned out again.
What were you saying?
What about you and Johnny?
Mm?
What about us?
Oh, any problems with your rapport?
Oh, if anything, we're too close.
I know everything about that meathead,
how he lost his virginity, why he's terrified of bats, when
it's his daily bowel movement.
You know, you can't hide anything from a twin.
Wait, I thought he was the twin.
You can't possibly have a twin also.
Sure, no.
My zodiac sign, I'm a Gemini.
The twins, they're, we're very in sync with the cosmos.
Hm.
Haven't heard that.
All I know is Geminis are fun-loving, extroverted,
and up for anything.
Yeah?
That's me, all right.
Oh, yeah, oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, correct.
OK, OK, so we're 2,000 feet off the ground,
he's about to propose, and guess what happens?
The guy who's running the hot air balloon has a heart attack
and dies.
He falls off the side, and the loss of the weight,
it causes us to rise.
We're like, 200 feet in the air.
We were floating in the clouds for hours.
It's cold, and we're starving.
And he gets down on one knee, and then he says--
I don't know if we're going to live to see tomorrow,
but I don't want to live one more day without you as my wife.
And so we don't die of thirst.
He pops some champagne.
And the cork, it pops a hole right through the nylon balloon.
And then we just glide down to a nice, safe, soft landing.
Safe, soft, right next to the guy's corpse.
Yeah.
But in a weird way, it felt romantic.
It did.
Well, it attracted all the animals.
It was like a Cinderella movie.
Yeah, it felt like Bambi or something, but--
but better.
I heard they couldn't give that guy an open casket funeral.
His face had been mauled by bears beyond recognition.
And just like that, we were engaged.
Oh.
My heart melts away when I'm next to you.
This is so relaxing.
Hm, it's nice.
Oh, God?
What's in my eyes?
Ow, ow, ow, stop, stop, stop.
It's too much.
Oil.
How I will show you love.
Is this the right time to let go of my pride?
I can't keep this thing no more.
Would you risk it all for a chance at love?
Will you let me be your new temptation?
Would you risk it all for a chance at love, love,
love, love, love, love, love.
New temptation.
Wow.
This a so relaxing.
Yeah.
Well, you're a Gemini, all right.
So, do you know why they call it the Cave of Nymphs?
No idea.
Do you know who Pan is?
Yeah, a kid who never grew up, never Neverland,
peanut butter mascot.
No, Pan, he's the Greek God.
Oh, yeah, of course.
He has horns, legs of a goat, little pointy ears.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, yeah, he--
he played the flute, right?
The pipe of reeds.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Exactly what you said.
He was a merry fellow.
He just-- he wanted to sing, and to dance, and to goof around.
He was half divine god, half undomesticated wild animal.
Much like yours truly.
So naturally, all the wood nymphs dug him.
Naturally.
They even said that he was the greatest of all time.
Wait, you're telling me that of all the gods,
Pan was the GOAT.
Yeah, especially Melissanthi.
She was in love with him, and he led her to believe
that he was into her, too.
Leading a nymph on is never a good idea.
So when she realized that no matter what she did,
he was never going to be into her, she finally gave up.
And with a broken heart, she drowned
herself in that very cave.
Oof, heart wants what the heart wants.
So they say.
Oh, you got to get some of these.
Oh, yeah, I love cooking with basil.
Love the aroma.
Uh-huh.
Gotta get some more.
Ooh, do you want one of these?
Yeah, yeah, we should probably put it in the cart.
Oh, are we allowed to--
It's so good.
Yeah, true-- spicy.
Oh, need some water?
Oh.
- I need more water. - Want some water?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You good?
Water?
Give me, give me, give me.
Please, please.
Oh, my lips, my lips.
Say, that's an interesting story.
Where'd you learn it?
My dad.
He was enchanted with all things Greek.
He wanted to retire here, but didn't.
But at least my mom is getting to live out his dream.
Mentioned him a couple times.
How long has he been gone?
15 years ago today.
Today?
Yeah.
I turned 15.
And he wanted to take his little valentine to the amusement park
for a birthday celebration.
And somewhere on the roller coaster's
second or third loop, he--
he went into full-on cardiac arrest.
We spent the afternoon at the emergency, and I--
I fell asleep.
And when I woke up, I didn't have a dad anymore.
Both ended that miserable day with a broken heart.
Today's been a really nice distraction.
Actually, it's been one of my better birthdays.
I had a really good day today, too.
We should-- we should probably go--
Yeah.
before the boat just leaves us here.
Good idea.
Wait, was that a bat?
What?
Oh, we gotta get out of here.
Well, it's just a bat.
They have radar, woman.
What's wrong with radar?
Oh, my God, radar attracts more bats.
Hardly healing wounds
From the fighting from the con
The baseless allegations that they make
Mm.
Whoa.
Just a touch of honey.
Oh, my God.
Johnny won't let me experiment in the kitchen.
He gets mad if I do stuff like replace ricotta with mascarpone.
Oh, mascarpone's creamier, has more flavor.
Yes.
He's got no taste.
I'm like, not everybody wants pepperoni.
Some people like pear, goat cheese, and arugula.
Yeah.
Oh, shoot.
You know what?
I forgot to cancel that.
Be right back.
Coming.
I had the proposal all planned out.
It was going to be a big surprise.
And, boy, was it.
I got home from work, I walk into the living room,
and there's this big, giant box.
I open it, and out comes--
A bunch of balloons.
and--
- Butterflies. - and--
Doves.
and--
And?
Johnny himself in a suit.
- What kind of suit? - Tux.
Duck.
A duck tux.
Oh, how romantic.
Yes, well, champagne, yeah.
The plan was to propose, and then
come back up here to celebrate.
But um--
Oh.
No point in letting it go to waste.
Yeah, I guess that's OK.
Yeah, yeah, pour me a glass, and I'll go check in with Gina.
OK.
You missed me, or more likely, I--
Damn.
- didn't want to talk to you.
Dinner's ready in T minus five minutes.
Reach by the water,
I'll just sink in lightly flowing breeze
in the air brushing my skin.
I'll lay on my back, water's cold,
and my mind spins, flowing with the tides, with the waves,
with the currents.
I think I could stay forever if--
Ahh.
You know, I was thinking, I know this holiday holds a lot of crap
memories for you, but I don't know,
maybe if you really, like, embraced what this day,
you know, what it's really about,
you might wash away all those horrible ones.
Maybe.
Cheers?
Oh, oh, delightful.
Yeah, I think so, too.
Get up, kids.
The traditional Greek dance festivities are about to start.
Should we check it out?
After you, oh, file mou.
Opa!
Dancing the Sirtaki is punishment to unleash
the Greek spirit, mind, and body all at the same time.
Oh, my gosh.
Opa!
Greece.
Johnny, Johnny, you're a whole llama fun.
I am not a llama.
I am the GOAT.
Opa!
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Gina.
Happy birthday to you.
Oh, ow, my head, uh.
Hey, Trish.
What's up?
Hey, girl, you sound awful.
Yeah, yeah, it was a bit of a rough night.
Yeah, I got some message saying you might be in love
with a goat or something?
No, no, no, get the crust.
Wait.
I said what now? The crust?
What are you, four?
You didn't cut it all the way.
Yeah, that's about as good as it's going to get.
Hey, um, can I call you back, Trish?
Sure.
Happy birthday.
OK, love you, bye.
Happy?
I'm not going to watch you eat this.
Hey, hey, wake up.
Oh, God.
Um, what time is it?
It's-- it's 11:23, and I've changed my mind.
I thought about what you said about reclaiming this holiday,
and that I want to do that.
Wait, you want to do what now?
I want to get engaged on Valentine's Day.
Come on, come on, come on.
OK, we only have half an hour.
Hey, do you know what time the last hotel shuttle comes?
Oh, we just missed it.
I heard they come every 20 minutes.
Come on.
Hey, I'm in pursuit of a terrorist.
I need to commandeer your vehicle.
We only got one night, one night
We only got one night
It's 10 minutes to midnight. I don't know if we're going to--
Oh, that's it? We got it.
We only got one night, one night
I think I just stay ate a bug.
Bleh.
I think I did, too.
Come on, come on, come on.
All right, almost there, Jyna.
OK.
We're coming up.
Jyna is feeling a little sick.
Oh, man, I think I need, like, a sick bag.
No, you don't, not yet.
Oh, shit.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
I'm American.
Look, my friend here, she has hypoglycemia,
OK, low blood sugar.
We got to get to the hotel where we
got medicine, because if she doesn't get a shot,
she'll slip into a coma.
- Coma? - Yeah, coma.
Coma?
OK, OK, come with me.
All right, thank you, thank you very much.
Hang on.
OK, let's go.
Hey, thanks.
Hey, mom, I don't have time.
Any news now?
OK, I gotta go.
OK.
11:59.
All right, out of the way, this nurse
is from Chugwater Memorial.
She's here for an emergency heart transplant.
- Whoa. - Oh, I'm sorry.
We only have
Do you think he gave up?
I don't know, but I'm not.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Oh, OK, he's so cute.
OK.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm sorry that I missed dinner.
Gina?
You're back?
Too late to celebrate.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh hey, Jyna.
What?
Uh.
I'm sorry.
I'm warning you, you better stop calling me a whore.
Then stop being a whore.
Ladies, please.
Mickey?
I was doing you a favor.
Oh, yeah, well, thank you.
Let me go get you another $5,000 gift card.
Hey, hey, Gina, what you saw up there was exactly
what it looked like, OK?
I was drunk, and lonely, and there was
a supermodel naked in my bed.
Oh, pray tell, 'tis not
the same supermodel I am betrothed.
Oh, man John, my buddy, I'm so sorry.
You, sir, are a scoundrel and a thief.
Oh, stay out of this, Johnny.
At least he's honest.
Oh, yeah, he's a freaking saint.
Oh, truthful adulterer, say ye.
Technically, I'm not an adulterer because you
guys aren't officially married.
Nor shall we, sir.
You have spoiled thy damsel.
I wish only to wed a virgin.
A virgin?
What?
Wait, that was her first time?
Did I deflower you?
What?
Why is everyone laughing?
Oh, you poor, poor thing.
Wha-- what's going on?
What the hell is going on?
Is this guy your buddy from grade school or not?
Because he's starting to sound a little British.
No, no.
And she's not actually a supermodel.
Not technically, but people are always saying
how super photogenic I am.
Right.
You guys want to see the infamous Giovinazzo
family Christmas card of '08?
Don't you dare.
You know mom made me wear that hideous sweater.
Didn't mom gave you that hideous perm too?
Put that away.
Did they just say mom?
Yeah, yeah, they're actually-- they're brother and sister.
We're actually twins.
You were going to marry your twin brother?
Oh, my God, this guy's adorable.
I know, right?
Andrew, you've been duped.
Everyone has been tricking you.
Nobody here is getting married.
Yeah, you got that right.
I can't believe I-- you know what?
You guys are all a bunch of dirty, scummy, horrible,
filthy, big, fat, stupid liars.
And I bet you're not even a Gemini either.
Easy.
OK, OK, all right, all right, everybody relax.
Look, we've all made some mistakes today,
and we've all done some things that we're
not particularly proud of.
What the hell did I do?
You slept with her.
Oh, right.
Yes, sorry, I forgot for a second.
Oh, gee, thanks.
I'm drunk.
Wow.
Andrew, can we be honest?
Yeah, that'd be a first, Gina.
Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right.
I-- I don't know, I thought that if I
was with somebody that was totally different to me,
that I would--
What?
I like-- I bullshitted myself into thinking
that I was falling in love.
So what, that's it then?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to go get my bags and finish the rest
of my trip at my mom's.
Giovinazzos, have yourselves a wonderful life.
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
Oh, God.
Everyone was screaming at each other.
We were all in our-- our underwear.
I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure I have a lifetime ban from that resort.
If you had fun, it was worth it.
No, no, not the point.
If it wasn't horrendous and mortifying,
it would not be Valentine's Day.
Honey, refrain, always a silver lining.
No, Valentine's Day blows, point blank.
Honey, life is balanced on the head of a pin.
One day, it's absolute perfection, and the next,
it's dark, like us losing daddy.
Valentine's Day, yeah, it's a kind of silly holiday.
It seems like treacly cards, and it's
like a diabetic's nightmare, and pick me, pick me.
And it's-- there's loneliness,
but it's also goosebumps
and heart flutters, ants in your pants, chance
to express your feelings.
And you're my valentine, baby.
I feel like it can be an act of remembrance of your dad's love.
It's funny, somebody else recently said just that to me.
Uh-huh.
Who?
Johnny?
Yeah, yes, Johnny.
How do you know that?
Oh, here.
Oh, no.
Mom, this guy Johnny is fine and crazy.
We're going to give you half goat grandkids, like, they're
actually grandkids, kids--
Goat babies?
Game on.
Large pepperoni with ricotta.
How are you doing, Johnny?
Not bad.
You know, my skin still got that post-vacation tan.
And after all that baklava, there's a lot more of it, so.
I don't believe that I ordered anything.
No, no, no, no, no, you were promised free pizza for a year.
No, no, it's not necessary.
Me and you were good.
Actually, I kind of thought we hit it off in Greece.
And I figured I'd wait a month and then see if you wanted
to go on a real date with me.
That's really sweet, and I'm really flattered,
but I just don't really--
It's just dinner.
Are you still with Andy, or--
No, I'm just not really interested in dating anybody
right now.
The trip, it just forced me to take
a really hard look at myself.
And I'm working on growing up, and not being
such a big, fat, stupid liar.
Hold on.
I believe it was dirty, scummy, filthy, horrible,
big, fat, stupid liar.
Until this hot mess gets her shit together,
I shouldn't be with anybody.
OK, well, look, don't change too much of yourself.
You got to keep some of that edge.
And until you're ready, I'm just going to keep trying.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Om.
I waited for 1,000 suns
Whatever it's going to take
And if there's ever a chance you'll go
Then forever I will stay
Oh, I'll be here tomorrow
And ever I will wait at the place you left me
I'll be standing here each day
Oh, I'll be here tomorrow
Right here I will remain
In case there is a chance that I may see your face again
All good?
Everything been good so far?
Yeah, excellent.
This guy's a fucking mess, right?
You have good taste.
- You're a lucky man. - All right.
Thanks for telling me.
All right, guys.
I'm doing all right.
Not great, but all right.
You got to get back out on that horse, baby.
Go out there.
Let your hair down, trip the life, fantastic.
I don't need a horse.
I'm telling you, mom, I'm fine being alone.
Sorry, we're totally booked up tonight.
I'm sorry.
- We'll find somewhere else. - Really?
Psst.
Hey, you guys need a table?
Uh-huh.
Here you go.
Enjoy your dinner.
Seriously?
What is this for?
I'm just trying to spread the love on this really special day.
That's so sweet.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Enjoy your night.
Hey, can I buy one of those?
Thank you.
Don't give yourself a hernia.
Hey, girl.
How was the birthday?
It's the best one I've had in a long time.
Mm.
How's your Valentine's Day?
Oh, you know, just hauling trash like a woman in love.
Steve didn't want to overexert himself
for tonight's big performance, asked me if I wouldn't
mind doing the trash, so.
Yeah, it's been a pretty horny night.
Kinky.
Ooh.
I know it's my fault, but this year
has been a hell of a dry spell.
Well, honey, Valentine's Day isn't just about spreading love.
It's also about letting love find you.
Oh, goody, I missed dinner.
Oh, I wonder if it's in the shape of a heart or a vag.
Hmm?
You know, because it's also the day of your birth.
Oh.
Not what I was expecting.
I guess your Italian Casanova finally gave up.
I guess humans aren't as relentless as tortoises.
Huh?
It's still early.
I think I can get to him before the restaurant closes.
Go for it.
Bring me back a cannoli.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Yeah, well, my heart wants a cannoli.
I'll get you a cannoli.
Good luck, honey.
Come on, man, we gotta be-- we gotta get ready for mommy.
Put the dinosaur down.
What in the world?
You walked into too early.
He was supposed to be holding the thing,
and then he was supposed to be-- we both got on the Cupid draws.
It's the most romantic thing--
I know. But it was supposed--
I have ever seen.
to be better than this.
Baby, it was supposed to be both of us,
and we're supposed to-- we put the costumes
on, but he decided not--
You did a good job.
You think so?
Screaming in the stars.
It's going to un-un-unforgettable.
It's close to magic.
Sorry.
Aw, freaking adorable.
We're closed.
Hey.
Oh, it's you.
What, you didn't get your free pizza today?
Where's Johnny?
Oh, hey, Gina.
Andrew.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, well--
What?
Your tongue stuck in that zipper?
Um, we're dating.
We're engaged.
Right.
Oh, wow.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
We're very happy.
That's right.
Well, is Johnny here tonight?
I wanted to talk to him.
Is he on a delivery?
He's out with his girlfriend.
They met at Christmas.
It's quite serious.
Mm-hm.
She has a five-year-old who Johnny totally adores.
Yeah, and they just bought a dog.
A golden retriever.
Scruffy.
Uh, I see.
Look, he wasted a whole year trying to get your attention,
and now, he's moved on.
And I'm sorry to say, but I think you should, too.
Hey, we're going to a midnight screening of Pretty in Pink
tonight.
Why don't you join us?
What?
Um, it's OK.
I'm really happy for you guys.
I'm glad that you found each other.
Thanks, Gina.
Thank you.
Patiently.
OK, good night.
So I'll try to rise, but I cannot rise up.
Will you rise for me?
Whoa.
And?
Ta-da.
Mickey and Andrew, they said that you met
someone with a kid and a dog?
Scruffy.
Yeah.
Yeah, they were lying.
Really?
They've gotten so good at it.
Learned from the best.
Can you take the stupid hat off?
Oh, my God.
Can't breathe in this thing.
You know, this one time at my cousin's bachelor party,
we got him a stripper to pop out of the cake,
but all the icing melted and she got glued inside.
It took four emergency technicians and the jaws of life
to save Jasmine from--
Come here.
Aw.
That dude looks ridiculous.
I heard they both got trapped at the top
of the Empire State Building and had to cuddle for warmth.
Oh, wow.
Then she falls overboard off the SS Ulysses Chugwater,
and he rescued her.
But get this, she has amnesia.
Now, he needs one last bone to build his brontosaurus,
but she, her terrier, and a leopard named Baby.
Lands onto a train track.
She saves him, and while he's in a coma, falls for his brother.
Plays hooky going on holiday in Rome,
pretending to be a tourist.
Then it's revealed that he has an evil twin.
It's-- not-- not identical, a female who winds
up sleeping with the boyfriend.
Oh, you know, I had to conjure the spirits to get
these two crazy kids together.
No, we used to date.
It's not weird anymore.
And now, the ring bearer will present
us with symbols of their love.
Oh, my.
Gus.
The ringbearer.
Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus.
Babe, help her roommate along.
Yeah, sure thing.
Go get him.
Oh, Gus, that's so sweet.
All right, here you go, Johnny.
Thanks, bro.
OK.
Thanks, man.
Got it.
With this ring, I thee wed.
I now pronounce you husbands and wives.
It is good to start this union with a kiss.
Aww.
They did it.
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
Yeah!
My therapist being annoying.
She says I'm aggressive to people.
So what if I'm aggressive to people?
What else am I supposed to do?
What?
Maybe changing your attitude.
That is the least I could do, but I don't want to do that.
I'm passive aggressive, flirtatious, that's
something that I took pride in.
If you can take some of my jokes,
I guess that we can be a thing.
But I never meant to offend you whenever I called you a sh,
so I, you gotta be mad.
OK.
Maybe I exaggerate when showing my twisted affection.
Maybe when I called you gay was my way to avoid rejection.
Will I ever come out of the self-restricting shell?
Well I don't know about that.
Cause I love the pain for love that's unrequited in my veins.
Getting over nothing can be harder than the real thing,
so I'm living for the drama I create.
I guess I'm just addicted to the chase.
Running if you catch me, cause I've been on the road and yeah,
this brave, one woman showing ain't ready to stay, no, no, no.
My therapist being annoying, she says I'm afraid of committing.
No shit, I'm afraid of committing.
What else am I supposed to do?
What?
Maybe share a feeling or two, that is the least I could do.
Yeah, I know I'm not doing that.
OK, I think I'm narcissistic.
I love myself 3002.
But listen, it is what it is, the diamond will never be dull.
And you can say these are excuses, that I'm
just avoiding the truth.
Who knows?
Let's hope for the best.
OK.
Maybe I exaggerate when showing my twisted affection.
Maybe when I called you gay was my way to avoid rejection.
Will I ever come out of the self-restriction shell?
Well, I don't know about that, cause I love the pain,
the pain, the love that's unrequited in my veins.
Getting over nothing can be harder than the real thing.
So I'm living for the drama I create.
I guess I'm just addicted to the chase.
Then running if you catch me, cause I've been on the road,
and yeah, this great one-woman show ain't ready to stay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Thinking about your ghost
with a halo over your head, thinking bout your soul, if it's
gone or if it's just left.
I don't know the rules of the living or the undead.
I don't know how to get up out of this warm bed.
Sitting on the edge of the bleachers with my one friend.
I don't really know about the rest, where they all went.
I won't lose control, be alone.
God, I'm so spent I can't let them know that I'm
tired, where my joy went.
Oh, I've been falling for awhile,
a victim of this world and its cruelties.
Oh,
I'll still put on a smile,
take a moment still, and just breathe.
Standing on the corner of the street watching cars pass,
I tried to enjoy simple things while they still last.
I don't really know if time heals like they say,
cause everything still feels fresh and new through the soul.
I'll lay on my back, water's cold,
and my mind spins, flowing with the tides, with the waves,
with the currents.