Patrick.
Adeline.
This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever.
This place...
it's just so gorge.
Of course it is, babe.
- You picked it! - I picked it!
Oh.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm?
What the hell?
I told you not to put it in my food.
- Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Sorry, I-- - It's fine. Keep going.
Adeline Delilah Garrett.
You're smart.
You're beautiful.
And perhaps most important of all,
you make me think.
You're my person and I can't imagine my life without you.
Will you marry me?
Yes. A million times, yes!
Why are you calling me right now?
I didn't get it.
What the fuck do you mean you didn't get it?
Yeah, I'm sorry, dude.
There was a couple of sun flares and like...
Um, could you maybe do it again? Or...
Why, yes.
Let me re-propose to my fucking girlfriend
so you can do your job right.
- Technically she's your fiancée. - Don't get cute with me.
Do it right this time or I'll fucking end you...
- on Yelp. - Okay, cool, thanks.
I'll talk to you later. I'm not even on Yelp, dick.
Uh... Speech, speech, speech. Lovey, lovey-dovey.
And...
Will you marry me?
Yes. A million times, yes.
Just one second.
Give me that. Hello?
Nico the Photo Guy. Leave a message.
Are you fucking kidding... me?
No!
Hello?
You listen here, asshole.
I have been planning this day my whole life...
and you fucking killed him!
You messed with the wrong bride.
You hear me?
You messed with the wrong fu--
Whoa, ma'am, you can't be here. What are you doing?
- He's trying to kill me! - Please, just calm down.
Hey, buddy, you wanna tell me what's going on?
Wait. Stop! Drop the knife, asshole!
Somebody! Please!
Shoot.
Take that, you motherfucker!
Go away!
You go away!
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
No, no, no, no, no. Please!
Hey! Hey!
No!
It's Valentine's Day
and the nation is once again on high alert.
For the past two years, a masked maniac
known as the Heart Eyes Killer...
...or HEK, as authorities call him for short,
has emerged on a day meant for romance
to target, hunt and brutally kill couples.
HEK seems to target cities at random.
From a blood-soaked rampage
in the Boston area two years ago...
...as well as a second killing spree,
which left several dead in Philadelphia just last year.
Even though he's after couples in love,
let me be perfectly clear about this...
He will kill anyone who gets in his way.
...leaving Americans once again plagued with anxiety
on Cupid's holiday asking the question...
Where will the Heart Eyes Killer strike next?
Do you expect the Heart Eyes Killer
to kill your Valentine's Day plans?
Who the hell makes Valentine's Day plans?
Yeah, this holiday sucks ass, dude.
- Literally. - Fuck Valentine...
I ain't even low-key scared.
The HEK ain't got nothin' on me. You know, 'cause I--
Shut up, Dylan. You're afraid of the dark.
No, I don't.
- The Heart Eyes Killer-- - So glad I'm single.
- I'm gonna celebrate inside. - That dude hunts you.
...rubbing your shitty PDA all up in our face--
He only kills straight people, I think.
Whether you're with a partner or looking for love,
stay vigilant this Valentine's Day.
Shit!
- Nice one, dipshits. - Got a cappuccino here.
Hope Cupid shoots you in the dick.
Caramel soy latte for Monica!
- Oh, that's me. - Okay, yeah. There.
Why do you look so stressed?
Is it 'cause you're single again on Valentine's Day?
No, I'm... I'm stressed because Crystal just called
an all-hands meeting and the subject of her email
literally says "Ally's Campaign."
- Hmm. I saw that. - So, I'm fucked.
Okay, worst-case scenario,
you get fired and you never work another day in your life.
Worst-case scenario, Crystal wears my skin as a pantsuit.
Best-case scenario, you got nice skin though.
Boop.
You know what? Whatever.
If you go down, I'll go down with you. Okay?
We'll Thelma and Louise this shit.
Large iced blended Americano
with oat milk, two honey, one sugar.
Sorry, are you sure that's yours?
Yes, that is definitely mine.
No one else would order a large iced blended Americano
with oat milk, two honey, one sugar.
Sugar. Yeah. Look at that. Wow.
Guess we're coffee mates.
- Nice dad joke. - Thanks.
I thought I was the only one in the world
with the most obnoxious coffee order.
It's a pretty common order actually.
Can you guys move? We're busy.
Yes.
He's hot!
Hey, can I interest you in one of these guys?
Oh, no, I'm okay. Thanks. I carry my own.
- Oh. Metal straw. - I hate paper straws.
They just turn into mush in, like, three seconds.
Yeah, no. I totally get what you're saying.
Let's put all the coffee in a plastic cup,
but, hey, as long as the straw is paper, planet saved.
Planet saved.
- Uh, sugar though. Want one? - Yeah.
A little slow poison
- for the pancreas. Oh. - Oh.
- Ooh! - Oh!
- I'm sorry. No, I'm-- - I'm sorry. No, I'm-- Sorry.
- I got it. It's okay. - No, it's totally--
- Fucking Jesus Murphy! - Oh, Shit!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Yeah. Am I? - Oh, my God. You're bleeding!
- Here. Shit. Uh-- - Oh-- Thank you for that.
Bye. Um, I'm gonna go. I'll see you at work, Mon.
Sorry. She's getting fired today.
Exactly one year after a Valentine's Day massacre
left three couples dead in Boston
and four couples dead in Philadelphia,
the Heart Eyes Killer has come to Seattle.
Four victims have now been claimed at a winery,
ending one dream engagement
in a nightmare.
Chief Hartley, is this the work of the Heart Eyes Killer?
That's not confirmed at this point,
but given the pattern of targeting couples
on Valentine's Day, we suspect it's the work of HEK.
What do you have to say to all those couples out there
planning to celebrate Valentine's Day?
Stay home.
Well.
This is quite a pickle.
Why didn't a single one of you
tell me that there is a maniac
running around slaughtering people
on Valentine's Day these last couple years?
Tommy?
Not a single one of you.
This campaign is certainly ill-timed.
Wouldn't you say so, missy?
Uh... Um...
- I mean-- - You know, Crystal,
how you always tell us
that relevance is really important in our pitches?
Well, I personally believe that Ally's campaign is very "now."
Monica, thank you so much.
If you could do me a huge favor. Shut the fuck up.
Tommy?
"Wow. Profiting off the death of couples to sell rings."
"Speechless."
- "This is disgusting." - I'll say.
"What did I just watch?"
"Straight-up tacky."
"Someone find out who made this and dox their ignorant ass."
- I mean, it just... it goes on. - I'm sure it does.
Ally, I'm worried about your safety.
Gee, thanks, Tommy.
How many people has this heart-shaped asshole killed?
I think, like, a lot.
A lot?
You built a nationwide campaign around romance ending in death?
Well, you approved it.
Because I trusted you.
I'm gonna need a new campaign.
- Okay. Um, no problem. I'll-- - Jay, get in here.
Jay? Who's Jay?
Thank you very much.
No way.
That's the guy whose nose you smashed
- in at the coffee shop. - Mon, sit down.
Jay Simmonds, everybody. This is Jay Simmonds.
Who is Jay Simmonds? Well, I'll tell you.
Jay Simmonds is the former CCD of BMY New York.
He is the youngest freelancer to win a Clio Award
for his viral romantic campaigns.
Everything from fancy cars to luxury chocolates.
And, he has then earned himself
a nice little moniker of "Consumer Cupid."
That is Jay Simmonds,
and I'll tell you what.
When I realized how far up shit's creek
Ally here had paddled us,
I knew I needed some reinforcements.
And thank Baby Jesus.
Now, he's gotta leave and push off tomorrow
and skedaddle, so he's on the clock.
Jay. Everybody, Jay!
Thank you for the lovely flattery, Crystal.
I appreciate it. Um...
Listen, as I understand it,
we've experienced some turbulence as of late,
but it's all about how you land the plane that matters, so...
we will get through this...
together.
- What the hell was that? - I got a match.
Oh, for fuck sakes.
We're gonna get married. I can feel it.
That's your boyfriend?
Yeah, he will be.
He's an actual firefighter who loves puppies.
You see? That's why you're still single.
You know what you need, Shaw?
You need a real man.
One that's willing to make the first move.
Come on, detectives. You're gonna love this.
Check it out.
What is that, a wedding band?
Could it be one of the victim's?
Unlikely.
The initials engraved on the inside... JS.
Doesn't match either of the deceased.
What kind of an animal would do this?
Probably some incel virgin troll living in his mommy's basement.
Assuming it's a man.
What about the girl who never got asked to prom?
The-- The love-scorned woman
who got cheated on one too many times
and just snapped.
Oh, fuck.
Oh. Yes. He replied.
The gay fireman?
No, no. This guy works in tech.
- Shaw's got a fetish for betas. - I don't have a fetish.
Everybody's got a fetish.
Gentlemen, this is more than just a simple murder.
It's a...
...kink.
That's the understatement of the fucking year.
How do you know for sure it's HEK?
Here you go, Detective.
'Cause this is the last thing
the wedding photographer ever saw.
Heart Eyes has come to our city, boys.
And they've got another ten hours
of Valentine's Day left to kill.
Excuse me. What in hell are you doing?
What do you mean? You just fired me in front of the whole team.
Fired you? I got six more months on your contract.
I intend to squeeze every single last drop out of you.
Okay. Great. So what am I supposed to do?
Get him coffee while he lands the plane?
No. You're gonna turn in a sizzling,
sexy, seductive, blockbuster
Crystal Cane campaign.
And if you don't, I'll kill you.
I'm kidding. I won't. I'll blacklist you, though.
I won't kill you.
I mean, maybe.
But no.
But would I?
"Whoever made this, I hope you get
"murdered and canceled. Not in that order."
"Hashtag do better."
"As someone who may die someday,
"I find this commercial
"to be tone-deaf and borderline ableist."
Wow, people are fucking dumb.
"The only thing deader than the couples in this ad
"is the brain cell of the person who created it."
"The level of cringe in this video is off the charts.
"Hashtag just stop."
Hey, Ally?
- Yeah? - Howdy.
Jay? Wha--
This is the women's bathroom, dude. You can't be in here.
Technically, it is a unisex bathroom, but...
can we talk?
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm...
I am really sorry about earlier.
Oh, no, it's totally fine.
Sorry to stalk and run,
but I'm trying to make this yoga class
that starts in, like, an hour.
You serious? Yoga?
Mmm-hmm.
Aren't we supposed to be saving the company?
Yes, and we will. Just after yoga.
I booked us a table at L'oie.
We get inspired, talk about the campaign.
You realize that it's Valentine's Day, right?
Oh, that's right.
You probably got plans, don't you?
- No. - Well, great!
It'll be a great place for some field research.
Romance, flowers, candles--
Do you think that maybe we could just do this tomorrow?
Uh, see, I would love to do tomorrow,
I just have to take the first flight
out in the morning for my best friend's wedding.
So, how about this? We'll call it 08:00 sharp,
and I'll see you there. Yeah? I'm excited.
- No, no, I-- - It's gonna be great!
Oh, thank you so much.
Uh, no, Mon. Let me get this. You're, like, $100,000 in debt.
Not anymore.
Arthur paid it off. And I get to keep the card.
- Are you serious? - Mmm-hmm.
Damn. Someone likes a little sugar with their daddy.
A-ha. Excuse me, Ally. I do not have a sugar daddy.
That term is very problematic.
I have a sponsor.
And do you love your sponsor, or is he just erasing your debt?
Yes, I love him. And I love that he's erasing my debt.
So, when am I gonna meet this secret Hugh Hefner?
Shall we all get dinner soon?
What do you say, like, 4:30? Soup?
Ha-ha. Real clever, Miss Judgy Judy,
while you're literally stalking your ex online.
I'm not stalking him.
The algorithm is stalking me, okay?
- It's the algorithm? - Hey, is Arthur Heart Eyes?
Is that why I haven't met him yet?
That's not fucking funny.
Of course Arthur's not Heart Eyes.
That guy has so much arthritis, he can't run.
- Honestly, I bet it's Crystal. - Hmm.
You know when she does that,
- like, thing... - Mmm-hmm.
...when her Botox doesn't sit right and it gets stuck?
Breaking news. Our Channel 7 affiliate
is reporting that two more couples have been found murdered
at a downtown spa.
We go live to the scene in Seattle.
Can't watch this.
Thanks, Mike. We have confirmed reports...
Ally.
- Ally, hello? Hey, ho. - Monica!
Oh, my God. Why are you torturing yourself?
You're the one who ended things.
I know. He just moved on so fast.
I mean, what even is her job?
Look at her feed. It's all vacation pics.
And she doesn't even have rich parents. I checked.
You need to stop hate-fucking yourself
and get out there and actually find someone
to actually fuck-fuck yourself, you know?
- No. - Oh, what about that guy?
He's so cute.
The-- The bathroom boy. You know? Your little stalker?
You mean the guy trying to take my job?
Oh, my fuck.
He is so hot, I could literally throw up.
My basement just flooded.
He's okay.
Wait, what are you wearing on this date?
It's not a date.
We're working. And what's wrong with my clothes?
- You look like a before picture. - Monica! That is so mean!
Okay, this place, what's the vibe?
Is it, what, fancy?
- Yeah, it's fancy. Why? - Come on.
Where are we going?
We're gonna go fuck up a credit card.
- It's gorgeous. - So much skin.
- Hike it up a little bit. - It's so much skin.
- It can go shorter. - Monica, no! It's not a date.
No.
Hi. Uh, reservation for Simmonds.
Of course. AJ?
Arms out, please.
- What gives? - Heart Eyes.
Can't be too careful.
I'm environmentally conscious.
Sharp, my ass.
You look so beautiful tonight, darling.
Happy Valentine's. I really mean that.
Good evening, miss. Will anyone else be joining you?
Uh, yes. Um, a friend.
A colleague.
It's a-- It's a work dinner.
Well, I'll be back with the specials
once your date arrives.
Oh, no, no, no. He's not my date.
I am so sorry that I am late. I tried to get a car.
And for what it's worth, I had no idea this place
was gonna be this nice, but...
- You look amazing. - Thank you.
Welcome to L'oie.
May I offer you a beverage?
- Um, I'm good. Thank you. - Yeah, please. How about
a bottle of champagne, maybe two glasses?
Oh, uh, no, no, no. I'm sorry.
- No offense, but we're working. - None taken.
I'll be right back.
So, where you from?
Uh, Phoenix.
Do you have siblings?
No.
Are your parents still together?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's nice.
Yeah, I'd love to grow old with somebody.
Change their Depends?
You know,
I don't immediately go to poop when I think about love,
but yeah. I would change an adult diaper
if it was in the name of love.
Here we are.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Miss? - Yeah.
Didn't want any, but thank you.
And for you, sir?
- Thank you very much. - Enjoy.
What do you say?
To love?
Okay.
- Listen, this is all very cute. - Mmm-hmm.
- And you're smooth. - Oh, thanks.
But I'm just trying to salvage whatever's left
of my career here, so can we skip
whatever this is and get to cracking this campaign?
- By all means. - Okay.
I have a couple ideas in here.
Some probably suck, but I'm sure there's a kernel--
You've had your heart broken recently.
- I'm sorry, what? - No, I just like to think
I'm intuitive with these things and...
Ew. Yeah, no. I did not get my heart
- broken recently. - Mmm-hmm.
And it's really none of your business.
Oh, you're totally right, it's not.
- Definitely not. Okay. - Nope.
- Um... - It's just your campaign.
Doomed lovers? I mean, it hardly screams romance to me.
The most romantic stories of all time are doomed.
You got husbands, wives,
partners, twin flames, soulmates.
Whatever you wanna call it, it's all gonna end.
It's just a matter of time before
someone cheats, bails, or dies.
What about butterflies in your stomach?
A lightning bolt to the heart?
Cozy Sundays in bed?
What's next, birth charts and long walks on the beach?
I like those things, but I get it. Not for everyone.
You wanna know how I feel about romance?
Yeah.
It's a farce.
A lie.
Not to everyone, I know that. Some people get...
really lucky and stumble into something real and forever.
But the other 99% of us
are just bouncing from one failed experiment to the next,
chasing the same regurgitated fairy-tale bullshit
that's been stuffed into our brains since we were kids.
Prince Charming? Till you catch him fucking your sister.
I thought you were an only child.
- It's a metaphor. Jesus. - Right.
My point is, it's not real.
And somehow, I landed a job that forces me to propagate
a fantasy in order to sell blood diamonds
harvested from third-world slave labor,
so please forgive me if I'm not swept away
by your magical notions of romance, Jay.
Wow.
That's really...
What?
...sad.
Why are you single?
- Excuse me? - No, really, Mr. Romantic...
doe-eyed, first love,
Esther Perel mama's boy know-it-all. Why are you single?
- Well... - Are you really looking for love
or are you just another fake-ass, ho-hunting,
- ankle-cuff prick in a suit? - Oh, my God.
You know, you don't know me.
And you don't get to cast judgment
just because I don't think like you, okay?
Yeah, um...
I think you were right. Tonight's a bad night.
Should've just let you clear your head. Um...
Don't worry about the champagne. It's on Crystal.
Jay! Jay! I'm sorry, okay? You win.
Listen, I told you it was fine and I meant it. It's all good.
No, I had a really rough day and...
and I took it out on you and that was shitty and wrong and--
Jay, please, I can't lose this job.
Ally, I am not gonna take your job.
Although it does seem like
you don't really want this job, but...
This is me, so...
I'm gonna go back to the hotel, brainstorm some creative,
see what we can salvage from-- Oh!
Ally?
Collin! What are you doing here?
Um, well, Sienna and I are on a little dinner date, actually.
- I've heard so much about you. - Really?
Why?
And, uh, you are?
Oh, Jay. I'm Ally's...
- He's my friend-- Boyfriend. - ...Boyfriend.
Friend. Boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
- Yeah! Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, why would you?
It's not like I publicize it on social media or anything.
Uh, well, it's nice to meet you, Jay.
Pleasure. So, um, dinner, huh?
Yeah. Uh, it was supposed to be a double date,
uh, but unfortunately...
- Ooh. - What does that mean?
You know the couple that got murdered up at the winery?
- What, you know them? - We worked together.
- Played racquetball. - Racquetball.
It's tragic, really.
- Still kept the reservation? - And you still came to dinner?
Of course. In their honor.
- Wow. - Huh. Well, a lot to
eat in there and it's good.
We should go. See you, Ally, and...
You have such a sexy suit.
- Oh, that's a sexy dress. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- You guys have a good dinner. - Happy Valentine's Day!
- Happy V-Day! - Don't get killed, all right?
- What was-- - Why would he say that?
That was weird. Oh, you're coming with me.
That was so embarrassing.
Thank you.
Not a-- Not a problem.
So is it the accent? Is that what it is?
Women love that fucking accent.
God, I can't stand it now.
- Brits are so unemotional. - Mmm.
Well, that would explain the dead friends' resy.
Love is a beautiful thing, no?
- Oh, we-- we just work together. - No, we're not a couple.
- But you just kissed, no? - Oh, see, no,
that was a performance
to seem maybe more desirable and perhaps less pathetic
- in front of her ex. - Oh. You love Spotify?
I have Ultimate Sexies playlist and--
- I love Spotify. - Yeah, no,
we're okay. Thank you.
Can we add a stop?
Again, I'm really sorry about tonight.
I swear I'm not a lunatic.
That's exactly what I think a lunatic would say.
Okay.
Have fun at your best friend's wedding.
Thank you.
Okey dokey.
What the...
No!
Next stop, 2640 Westlake Avenue South, sir?
Hey, can you hold off a second? I think she locked herself out.
You know what you should do?
You should go to her,
tell her you love her, then never let her go.
Right. Right. Yeah, you just keep that meter running.
Howdy. Everything okay?
No.
No, I think I left my keys in a dressing room somewhere.
Oh.
Oh, my God. This night could not get any worse.
You have a spare hidden?
Yeah, under a mat upstairs.
It's okay. I'll just break the window.
No. What are you talking about, breaking windows? No.
No, it's fine. My landlord loves me.
Well, if you're serious,
maybe you just, you know, let me do it.
- I can break a window. - No, I know you can
break a window, but if you cut yourself, I'll be--
I'm not gonna cut myself.
Knock yourself out.
Just know I don't condone this. I'm worried for your safety.
And you're punching with your thumb inside your hand,
which is not a good thing.
Okay. Yeah. You're gonna do it.
Yeah. Why don't you hold that? Came prepared.
Ah, not so bad.
That's bad.
I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.
I'm sorry I'm bleeding all over your floor.
Here. Okay. Let's run it under some water.
- Thanks. - Okay, you're just gonna wash up
in here for a sec.
Oh, God.
Sorry it's so messy.
I had a house cleaner,
but she won the lottery last week and fired me.
Really? How much did she win?
Like, a million dollars.
Damn. Well, I hope you find a replacement soon.
Cute.
I was Pikachu for Halloween too.
- Yeah. That wasn't Halloween. - What was it?
It was Tuesday. Yeah, I was pretty obsessed.
Wore that shit everywhere.
- I'll take that. - It was on your shelf.
No, I really wasn't expecting company.
Ever?
Why don't you just take a seat
while I look for the first aid kit?
Found it!
Jay?
Excuse you.
I'm sorry. I didn't wanna sit on your nice clothes.
Ow.
Would you relax?
It's just a very expensive jacket.
Let's see your hand.
- Ooh. - Careful now.
Does it hurt?
No, actually. You're really good at this.
Did you go to med school or something?
I dropped out actually.
I really can't do blood.
- No way. - Mmm, way.
Hmm.
Well, I think you're doing a pretty good job right now,
if I do say so myself.
- Uh-- - Oh.
This is why we dropped out of med school
and pivoted to advertising.
You're funny.
- Am I? - I think so, yeah.
Would you mind? My hair, falling in my face.
- Oh, of course. - Thank you.
- Okay. There we go. - Oh, wow.
So, you mind my asking
what kind of medicine you were planning on going into?
Uh, nephrology.
That's the liver.
Kidneys.
- Nailed it. Damn. - Yeah.
Well, why that?
I had a family member that was pretty sick.
Mmm-hmm.
Guess I-- I don't know, thought I could fix people.
Anyway, now I'm considered hemophobic.
Oh.
- I didn't take you for a bigot. - Okay, wow.
Between that and coffee mates, your dad jokes are top-notch.
I'm being facetious obviously. Your jokes are cheesy as--
Fuck!
Ally! Ally!
Oh, shit!
Fuck you! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Run!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! What are you doing?
Get your mind out of the gutter!
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on, come on!
Come on, come on, come on!
- You got it? - Yes!
Good job.
Thanks.
Hey, you good?
Yeah.
- Help! He's trying to kill us! - Oh, here's lovebirds.
No! No, no, no. You've got the wrong people.
- Hey! What are you doing? - He only kills couples, right?
We're not a couple. We barely know each other.
So back the fuck off!
911, what's your emergency?
Run!
Help! Help!
Help us!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
Did you hear that?
I don't hear anything.
Oh, shit!
Ally!
Get off of her!
Hey, hey!
No! No! No!
Help! He's right behind...
- Here! - ...me.
He was-- He was right here.
I'll go check it out.
Oh, my God. Jay.
- Jay, is he okay? - I don't know who
- you're talking about. - Jay Simmonds.
We-- We were with each other all night
and-- and we got attacked and we got separated back there.
- You just left him? - No, I didn't leave him!
All units. All units, stand down.
We have Heart Eyes.
- I repeat, we have Heart Eyes. - Yes! We got that motherfucker!
Seattle PD, baby! Fuck, yeah!
On behalf of Seattle PD, I just wanna say--
Yeah, congratulations.
Incredible teamwork, huh?
Hey! Hey, you need to back up!
- Fucking weirdos. - What did I do?
Detectives.
Here she is.
Detective Zeke Hobbs.
This is my partner, Detective Jeanine Shaw.
Hobbs and Shaw?
Like the movie?
- I haven't heard of it. - I haven't seen it.
- We're here to ID a murderer. - Oh, my God. Jay?
Jay!
- Jay, are you okay? - Mmm-mmm.
- Jay! - Nope.
Jay, are you okay?
Uh, no, Ally, I'm not okay.
Thank you for asking. You ditched me.
What? I did not ditch you!
Oh, yes, you did! You absolutely ditched me. We were a team.
I was being chased by a fucking serial killer!
I know! I also was being chased by a serial killer.
- What the fuck does that mean? - Jay, you're tall and ripped
and-- and perfectly capable of defending yourself.
Ally, I really appreciate the compliments,
especially coming from you,
but right now is not the time, okay?
These muscles were not made for violence!
They're for cuddling!
- Okay. - Hey, we're talking here!
Guys, this was not him. We were together all night.
Heart Eyes was after both of us.
Ma'am... We found this man in the park wearing this
and in possession of this.
Come on!
No, that's-- That's not possible.
Jay didn't do this.
Maybe.
Maybe Jay wasn't acting alone.
- What? - What?
We're gonna have to take your
tall, ripped friend in for questioning.
Oh!
Hey, good going. Really great.
See you at the station, I guess.
Fuck.
What is this?
That's a ring.
- Read it. - Read what?
Let me help you out. Let me help you out.
It says, "JS."
- As in "Jay Simmonds." - "Jay Simmonds."
You are really good.
You're really good at detective work.
That was really-- It's impressive.
That sarcasm?
A, I am not married.
B, why would I leave a wedding band at the scene of the crime?
And C,
who gets their own initials
engraved in their own fucking wedding band?
Also, D,
yes, that was sarcasm.
- Hey, hey, hey! Hobbs. - Hey, relax. Relax!
Take five. Go. Go.
Cool down.
Come on.
I'm sorry. He can get a little hot under the collar.
Yeah. No kidding.
Do you need anything? Water, coffee?
- I am fine, thank you very much. - Okay.
Just you and me.
I want you to look me in the eyes
and tell me the truth.
All right.
How long have you known Ally?
Fourteen hours.
You seem to care about her.
Yeah. Maybe I do.
But that ring. That's... It's not yours, correct?
No. Again, I am not married.
You're not married.
I mean, it's not, like, by choice or anything.
I--I just haven't met the right person.
You're telling me.
- You're-- - Single. Shocker.
Kind of.
No-- You really, um...
Okay, um...
Lady, I have been waiting here for over an hour.
First of all, it's "officer."
Second, I already told you
they're interrogating the suspect.
And I already told you they're interrogating the wrong guy.
Can you please just go back there
and give me some sort of information?
Sorry, Fran. The ethernet cable was all frayed.
- Should be working now. - Thanks, David.
What's a five-letter word for a dog ending in H?
Bitch?
Excuse me?
Female dog.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Can you please go back there now and give me some sort of update?
- Fine. - Thank you.
Hey. Do we know each other?
No, I don't think so.
Bumble.
Yeah, no. I'm... I'm not on the apps.
Oh. It's a waste of time anyway.
Hmm.
Just shooting my shot here.
Um, could I take you out to coffee some time?
I'll pay for it.
I almost got murdered tonight.
- I am so sorry. Um... - Yeah.
Stay safe. Have a good night.
Thank you.
Where the hell is everybody?
Celebrating.
They caught Heart Eyes.
So, what else do you want to tell me?
I'm not a serial killer.
So there's that.
Were you in Boston in February of '23
and Philadelphia in February of '24?
I...
Let me rephrase. You were in Boston and Philly.
Same dates and locations
as HEK's two prior killing sprees.
Jay, I got to admit...
that doesn't look very good.
I-- I don't know what you want me to say.
I'm a freelancer, so yeah, I travel for, like, work.
Do you ever get lonely on the road?
I like to think that I can keep myself busy.
Yeah? How?
How do you blow off steam
when you're alone with your thoughts, Jay?
Do you go to a vineyard?
Maybe a spa?
Holy... Who--
So, for HEK to come out of the blue
and denounce Valentine's Day and all it stands for...
Hello?
...by cutting these couples down to size.
In my professional opinion, what we have here...
Detective.
We got an HWW out front.
What do you want me to do with her?
An HWW?
"Hysterical white woman."
I'll handle her.
You sit tight.
We're not done yet.
I'll be here.
He just snapped.
And he makes it a point to kill again and again
until the very concept of an entire day
dedicated to couples and romance is eradicated.
He sneaks into your house and waits in the dark.
Cunning and quiet as a corpse.
And then, when you least expect it...
he pulls out one of the many, many, many toys
from his tools.
- What the hell are you doing? - God...
bless the USA.
- Told ya. - Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you letting him go? - Not yet.
Why the hell not? He's innocent!
Mmm-hmm. Well, then tell me something.
Why is the Heart Eyes Killer after him?
- You're not a couple. - I don't know.
I assume he saw us and thought we were together.
Why?
We...
kissed.
We had-- We had-- We had-- We had to kiss.
We had to kiss because... because my ex...
he was there, and I was jealous.
- It's really stupid, I know. - Okay.
I get it.
I do.
So you're not interested in him romantically?
Why is that relevant?
Just girl talk.
I mean, he's cute, he has a...
really good job.
Perfect candidate for a little girl like yourself.
A little girl like myself?
Ay.
Oh, relax. Probably just the breaker.
That's what people say before they get stabbed to death.
How would you know?
Watch her.
No, no, no, no, no. She said to watch me.
Calm down, I'm just getting a flashlight. Little space?
Any closer, you'd be inside me.
I'm sorry. I'm just scared.
No, no, no, no. Careful. He hides in closets.
No killers in here.
Help!
Hey! Hey! What-- What's happening?
- He's here. - Who?
Go! Get back! Get back!
Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Hey!
Where are you going? Uncuff me.
Don't worry, lover boy.
I'll protect you.
No. No. No.
God! Damn it!
Shaw?
Shaw!
Jay?
Jay!
Jay, can you hear me?
Yes, yes, Ally.
Ally, you've gotta find the keys.
Uh, Hobbs has the keys, okay? You have to find Hobbs
'cause he locked me in here like a fucking asshole.
Ally?
She ditched me.
That's okay.
Ally?
Hey.
Come on.
Hey, come on.
This is not fair!
Shit!
Die.
Ally! Ally!
Goddamn! I'm right here!
Jay!
Careful! Careful.
- Hi. - Hi.
Are you okay?
You're a terrible shot, by the way.
Don't fucking push it, Romeo.
- No! Hey! - Ally!
- Stop! - No, no, no! Ally!
Fucking assholes!
You saved my life.
You saved mine.
I owed you one.
We're not together!
Go kill somebody else!
- Get up. Get up. Get up. - He's coming. He's coming.
Oh, fuck. Do you know what we just did?
Yeah. We led a couples-killing maniac to a...
- To an all-you-can-kill buffet. - Come on.
A big fat lummox like you hiring an aeroplane to write,
"Hildy, don't be hasty. Remember my dimple. Walter."
Delayed our divorce 20 minutes
while the judge went out to watch it.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, shit!
Yo, that costume is dope.
I don't like that.
That's not him, right?
What the fuck?
It is him!
Was it my fault?
Did I know that coal mine was gonna have another cave-in?
I intended to be with you on our honeymoon, Hildy.
'Sup, man?
I spent two weeks in a coal mine with John Kruptzky.
You don't deny that, do you, Walter?
Deny it? I'm proud of it.
We beat the whole country on that story.
Suppose we did. That isn't what I got married for!
Excuse us.
What a creep.
Left. Left.
No. Right. Go. Go, go, go.
Turn.
In here.
Hmm?
Put a fucking shirt on. There's a killer after us.
Mmm. Oh, what is it?
The Heart Eyes Killer.
He's out there right now. We need to be quiet.
Oh! Dude, that's so hot. Fuck.
- We love role-play. - Yeah.
- Oh, my God. He's coming. - We're so dead.
Oh, he's so scary and big.
- We can't stay here. - No.
- ...without shuddering. - Walter...
I made a great reporter out of you.
You won't be half as good on another paper.
We're a team.
You need me, I need you, the paper needs us!
Sold, American!
It just didn't work out, Walter.
Oh, fuck.
It would've worked out if you'd been satisfied...
Maybe we lay low for a little bit.
Yeah.
I wasn't satisfied.
I suppose I proposed to you?
You practically did.
Making goo-goo eyes at me for two years.
"Oh, Walter." And I still...
I actually kind of like this movie.
- Yeah, you like that? - Yeah.
Really?
Yeah. Are you surprised?
Little bit, yeah.
I did ditch you.
No. Ditch me?
It's what I'm best at.
- Ditching people? - Running.
Hey, I was holding my own. You didn't see me?
He was shaking in his little leather boots.
Jay, I wasn't entirely honest at dinner.
My parents had this, like...
storybook romance.
They were literally perfect together.
And then my dad died.
I don't think my mom ever fully recovered.
I'm sorry.
You know, when I was a kid,
my parents just... hated each other.
I mean, they fought... all the time.
I think that...
is why I'm just this...
hapless romantic.
Just putting every girl I fall for on a pedestal,
only to have my heart broken over...
- More. - and over...
More?
...and over.
Keep going.
All because they...
they just can't... breathe
my suffocating attempt
to prove Mom and Dad wrong.
You know, I think...
I think tonight should've been, like,
the worst night of my life.
But it isn't.
Ditto.
Baby, you're so wet.
God, you're so hard! Ow!
At least they're having fun.
Oh, shit!
It's kinda loud.
Yeah, it's too loud.
Shut the fuck up!
- Shut up! Shut the fuck up. - Quiet down!
- Samm! I'm coming! - Oh, God!
- I'm coming! - Shut up! Shut up!
Holy shit. Someone call 911!
Fuck!
Please, no!
What are you-- Hey, Ally.
- What are you doing? - Wait.
Wait for what? He's gonna kill us.
And if he doesn't kill us,
he's gonna keep killing people.
We brought him here,
we end it here.
- We-- - Come on.
I thought we were a team.
Hey, Fuck Eyes!
Wait, wait, wait.
We need a weapon.
I have this.
That is not a weapon.
That could work.
- I don't think I can do that. - What? Hey...
Yes, you can.
Come on.
Run!
Ally!
Oh, shit!
Thanks a lot, Jay.
What?
You got it in my mouth.
I just saved your life.
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick.
No. Hey.
Oh, no, no, no.
I told you I was not good with blood.
Yeah, no kidding.
Uh, who the fuck is that?
I have no idea.
He's lost a lot of blood here.
Do you have an ID on the victim?
You two, you're gonna be famous.
The couple that stopped Heart Eyes. I--
It's very cute.
Thank-- Thank-- Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
I'm gonna leave you alone now.
Shot in the dark here.
Wanna come back to my hotel
and try and crack this campaign before my flight?
Just actually eat some dinner.
Order a whole bunch of room service.
Um...
Jay, I can't.
Hey, you two.
Just wanted to make sure you both got home safe.
Either of you need a lift?
Um... Actually...
I don't suppose you have a phone,
just so I can call a cab?
No, don't be silly. I'll give you a ride home.
Least I can do.
Your chariot awaits.
Okay.
Work call later?
Sounds like a plan.
Hey, uh, does anyone have a pen?
- I got you, dude. - Okay.
Can I see that?
That's me.
Your chariot awaits.
She's not my type.
Hey, I got another call,
so I'm just gonna have to take that
and that too.
Hey, do you need a ride?
Hey.
Um, do you have something you wanna tell me?
Oh, you're never gonna believe what happened.
Hello, Heart Eyes? Are you kidding me?
But wait. Are you okay?
Tell me the truth. Do you need to come over?
You can sleep in Arthur's panic room.
No, I-- I hate this feeling.
What feeling?
Liking someone.
God, I fucked up.
I fucked up, Mon.
I met a really, really great guy,
and now he's gone.
Where is he?
At the airport.
Oh. Okay, great. He's at the airport. Go get him.
Mon, I--
Hey, Ally. Ally, listen to me.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to have someone love you
for the beautiful, neurotic mess that you are.
I mean, you can be so clueless sometimes.
It's one of the ten things I hate about you, honestly.
You can't let Jay go off to his best friend's wedding
and hook up with a bunch of bridesmaids
and move to Notting Hill. No.
This is love, mama.
Some kind of wonderful,
crazy, stupid love, actually.
Go get him. Go get that beautiful, melanin man.
- Okay! - He's gorgeous!
- Oh, my God. - Ally, go!
- You go get him right now! - Okay. I'm going.
I love you! You're beautiful!
This is your final call for all passengers
on flight 403 to Boston.
Thank you.
Jay?
Please have your boarding pass...
- Jay! - ...and identification ready.
Thank you.
Jay?
- Jay! - Fuck!
Sorry.
Jay!
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
Paging passengers Mr. and Mrs. Jones
flying to Denver...
- Sorry. - ...on flight 273.
Your flight is boarded and ready for departure.
Please make your way
to gate lounge 11 immediately.
- Hello? - Roses are red,
violets are black.
Guess who's with me
and not coming back?
Who is this?
We've met before.
Forget me not.
Ally! Ally! No!
Don't-- Do not--
St. Valentine's Chapel.
Come alone or he dies.
Okay.
Call for help, he dies.
Okay. Just please don't hurt him.
That's up to you, sweetheart.
They say love is blind
and lovers cannot see,
the pretty follies that they themselves commit.
But love isn't blind...
is it?
Wait, you're--
It's me.
David.
The IT guy.
Wait, who the fuck did we kill then?
Eli.
Poor, stupid Eli.
You guys were a couple?
Couple? No. No.
Throuple.
Love looks with eyes wide open.
Seeking what the heart desires the most.
A partner.
Its true companion.
I found mine ten years ago in a chat room.
David saw me.
He understood me
and I understood him.
We got married here.
You know, I didn't really take you for the religious type.
No. We just like the story.
Saint Valentine...
was beheaded.
You murdered innocent people.
- Share what you love. - Share what you love.
And we love hunting, killing...
Deceit.
Taking turns on our victims.
Murdering couples.
- It's our kink. - It's our kink.
Everybody's got a fetish.
Well, too bad we wasted your boyfriend at the drive-in.
Oh, God. He wasn't our boyfriend.
No, Eli was just a stupid fanboy.
He was obsessed with us.
He was obsessed with me.
Yeah. Learned a lot from me.
It just got messy.
Fuck!
I almost got you at home.
Go, go, go, go!
- I killed your driver. - ...lovebirds.
No, no, no! You've got the wrong people.
What are you--
And I had a blast wasting those vile dickheads at the winery.
Ooh! That reminds me.
- Huh. - Found this.
God, you're the fucking best.
Isn't she the fucking best?
Yeah, I know.
And as luck would have it,
your initials match.
J. Shaw.
Jeanine Shaw, bitch.
Why us? We're not even a couple.
Just let him go! Let him go!
Truth be told,
we were gonna kill the other couple at the restaurant.
But then...
- we saw that kiss. - That kiss! God!
Your chemistry is undeniable.
Well, I didn't know that murder was a love language.
Try it.
Maybe you'll like it.
Pick it up.
There's a single bullet in that chamber
with one single choice, him or you.
We may have mistaken you for lovers
at the beginning of the night, but can you prove us right?
Could you save his life with yours,
thus proving that love really does conquer all?
If you don't love him, kill him.
And you're free to go.
Wow.
You know, your dedication is impressive.
It's twisted as fuck, but--
Jay.
I've spent so long running from love.
Convinced it would destroy me.
I don't wanna be that person anymore.
I want the storybook thing.
It was just one single night...
but I fell hard for you, Jay.
No, no, no. Don't do that.
No! No, hey.
Hey. Hey, no.
- No, no! Ally! - Forgive me.
Baby, no!
- Come on. - Oh, you shot me.
Sorry, I overcorrected.
That's a lucky fucking shot.
Ally, did you mean what you said?
Come on.
Pookie.
Chop that pretty boy up.
I'm gonna have fun with this one.
- No. No. - Oh, yes, Mommy.
No! No! Don't you fucking touch him! No!
No!
You shouldn't have shot me, bitch.
Hey, hey, come on.
Look at her go.
Oh, you don't wanna miss this, do you?
Isn't she perfect?
You talk too much.
I'm gonna fucking kill you both.
You watching, Jay?
I want you to see her die.
Love hurts, bitch.
Your day fucking sucks.
Jay.
Jay. Hey.
Hey.
Hi, you.
Hey.
I think you got over your fear of blood.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'll fucking kill you.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Planet saved.
Now, if you told me that, a year ago,
I'd be drinking to the highest recorded sales
in Crystal Cane history, I'd say,
"Y'all just a lying sack of hot trash."
But... here we are.
And it's all thanks to these two marketing mavens.
Right here. These two.
Now, Ally. I am,
believe it or not, mildly devastated
that this is your last day.
But I am proud of you for going, pursuing your dreams,
going back to doctor school.
All told, I really do hope that you're better with a needle
than you are with a pitch deck!
To success!
- To success! - To success.
Wait.
To love.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
What did I miss?
Hey, do you think it's weird having a date here
after everything that happened?
Nope. Not to me.
This is where I realized that I was in love with you.
So, feels symbolic.
Okay. Symbolic?
You think it's symb--
Listen, don't freak out. Don't freak out.
I know stuff like this can freak you out, but...
Ally, this has been the best year of my life.
So...
will you move in with me?
Jay, I--
I don't know what to say.
Yeah, no. I--I know where that's going.
- It's okay. - No, I--
I don't want a key.
I want you.
Jay Simmonds...
will you marry me?
Yes.
- Yes? - Yes. Yes.
A million fucking times, yes.
Hello?
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Guess who just took a picture of you?
Who is this?
Relax, bitch.
Too soon?
Monica, that's not funny!
Where even are you?
Did you get it?
Of course, I got it. Are you kidding me?
You look super cute.
I mean, I would have gotten a manicure,
but I told you that, and you're fine with that.
You're a natural gal. You look great.
Okay, enjoy the movie, fiancés. Love you.
Ally? Hello?