3
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:52,845
<i>All right, Chevy.</i>

4
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,806
<i>Chevy,
you're very handsome.</i>

5
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,558
-<i>Stop it.</i>
- <i>How did you become so funny?</i>

6
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,684
<i>What was the first part?</i>

7
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,229
<i>Lorne said if I just
stared into the camera,</i>

8
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,898
<i>that'd take a lot of guts.</i>

9
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:10,738
<i>"There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing."</i>

10
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,783
<i>Action, Laraine.</i>

11
00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:22,333
<i>Hi.</i>

12
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,211
Did I spell your name right?

13
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,341
<i>I'm Garrett Morris talking
to all you white Americans...</i>

14
00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:33,010
<i>about the way Black people
have been treated in America.</i>

15
00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:36,555
<i>Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.</i>

16
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,852
<i>You see, um,
having a catheter...</i>

17
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,938
<i>a lot of people
think it's funny.</i>

18
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,732
<i>And they like to see me dance.</i>

19
00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:52,238
<i>Now, I look up, and I see it
coming down now, real quick...</i>

20
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,697
<i>and I see discs.</i>

21
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,074
<i>Whirlin' discs!</i>

22
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,034
<i>- Really?</i>
- <i>All right.</i>

23
00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,494
<i>Radney?</i>

24
00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,538
<i>I'm not gonna talk about... No.</i>

25
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,998
<i>Whirlin'. Whirlin' around,
whirlin' around.</i>

26
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,333
<i>I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.</i>

27
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,961
<i>In order to get that much iron,
you probably have to overeat.</i>

28
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,840
<i>Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.</i>

29
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,008
<i>We're ready? Should we go?</i>

30
00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:18,597
{\an8}Free show!

31
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,268
Plenty of tickets left, guys!
Free show!

32
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,811
No?

33
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,272
Hey, free show, man.

34
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,441
Hey, sir, free comedy show?
Plenty of seats.

35
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,360
Perfect for date night!

36
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:32,903
Um...

37
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,365
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular...

38
00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,076
"featuring a parade of comedy...

39
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,619
"and musical acts
ripped from the charts."

40
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,163
Jesus Christ.

41
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:44,665
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"

42
00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:48,669
Hey, man! You okay?

43
00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:52,423
Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.

44
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,508
Why?
What happens in 90 minutes?

45
00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,093
Uh, we go live.

46
00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:59,054
Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats.
Miss?

47
00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,973
- Thank you.
-Hey, wait. If it's live,

48
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:02,683
then why the hell
are you down here?

49
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,643
- Free show. For fuck's sake.
- I'm...

50
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,186
-Mr. Michaels?
- ...waiting for...

51
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,229
Ah!

52
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,773
It's 10 o'clock, Andy.
Here. Come on.

53
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,817
Where do I park?

54
00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:14,320
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."

55
00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:15,863
Just pick him up at 1:00,
Mrs. Kaufman.

56
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:16,947
Do you like my suit?

57
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,157
- Very elegant, Andy.
- Take care of my Andy!

58
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,867
This is my favorite suit.

59
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,952
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"

60
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,079
Bye. Bye, Mommy.

61
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,080
Bye, honey.

62
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:25,998
- I love you!
-Andy, come on.

63
00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:33,631
Andy, please, come on.

64
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,382
This is beautiful.

65
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,550
Yeah.

66
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,801
You know, actually, down there

67
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,886
is where Diego Rivera
was hired...

68
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,263
to paint a fresco
for the American worker.

69
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,473
I cannot see this.

70
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,558
Well, no one can
because Diego was a commie...

71
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,226
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night...

72
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,603
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.

73
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:48,687
Deliveries use the back.

74
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:49,980
- I'm producer of the show.
- Where's your badge?

75
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,273
- My...
- Where's his badge?

76
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,358
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.

77
00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:53,442
I'm the producer
of <i>Saturday Night.</i>

78
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,610
- The whole night?
-Hey! Hey! He's good.

79
00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:56,320
- Yeah, I'm producing every show.
- He's good. He's good.

80
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,696
- I'm good, you see?
- Let him in. Let him in.

81
00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,781
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.

82
00:03:58,781 --> 00:03:59,865
I'm good. Andy, please.

83
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,200
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really. Great stuff.

84
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,576
What kind of name
is <i>"Saturday Night"?</i>

85
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,912
- Andy, come on. Please.
- Okay. We rushing.

86
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,372
Eighth floor, and book it.

87
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,123
Put on your seat belts.

88
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,294
So, big night.

89
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,754
Oh, Andy,
have you had dinner?

90
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,173
Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti.

91
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,341
Oh, that sounds delicious.

92
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,218
Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls
from upstairs.

93
00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:20,344
You ordered a llama?

94
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,512
A llama?

95
00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,973
Yeah. We all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.

96
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,391
Right. Just the guys
down at the loading dock

97
00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,017
weren't expecting,
you know, livestock.

98
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,395
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.

99
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,854
That is true. That's true.

100
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,147
Uh, just, you know,
they also weren't

101
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,232
expecting you to demand...

102
00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,651
an overhaul in the entire
lighting and sound package.

103
00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,571
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was

104
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,198
before he harnessed electricity?

105
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,368
Who are you in the metaphor?

106
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,578
The light bulb?

107
00:04:46,996 --> 00:04:48,539
We can't expect people
to recognize

108
00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:49,832
something they've
never seen before.

109
00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,375
Right. Okay. Yes.
You're correct.

110
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,793
But just,
how about a final script?

111
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:53,961
It's not that kind of show.

112
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,504
Okay. Well,
what kind of show is it, Lorne?

113
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,839
Do you even know
what the show is?

114
00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:58,007
Of course.

115
00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,050
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?

116
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,011
Yes.

117
00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:03,554
In 88 minutes.

118
00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,389
Oh, my God.

119
00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,182
Uh, have you tested
the quality of the sound system?

120
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,434
- No, I haven't.
- 'Cause the speakers...

121
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,394
look leftover
from Arturo Toscanini.

122
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,687
I mean,
that's not really my job.

123
00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,063
Lorne,
did you order more lights?

124
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,231
Of course.

125
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,983
Is this your card?

126
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,067
How'd he do that?

127
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,485
He's a fuckin' magician,
numb nuts.

128
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,195
-Hey, Neil?
- Oh, hey.

129
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,531
You got to be right by my side,
man. Locked to my hip.

130
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,907
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin...

131
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,200
you're my executive assistant.
You're important.

132
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,368
Really? Like in the credits
it will say that?

133
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,578
Well, no,
but you and I will know.

134
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,662
They're looking for you
in the control room.

135
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,539
Also, Belushi hasn't signed
his contract yet?

136
00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,583
- Oh, and the llama has arrived.
- Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara.

137
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,835
Neil, memo. We need to reeducate
the NBC Pages on the show.

138
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,919
You should've heard
the guy outside.

139
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,004
What the hell is this?

140
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,298
<i>Saturday Night,</i> it's a new kind
of entertainment.

141
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:42,509
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue collar...

142
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,392
Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.

143
00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:54,229
Oh, be careful.
They're still drying.

144
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,981
This is
monumental work, Edie.

145
00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,567
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...

146
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,277
Jane, you're still attached.

147
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:03,280
...just how you became a victim
of a shark bite?

148
00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:05,741
You are so fluffy.

149
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,034
Hey, come on, Andy.

150
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,369
You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle?

151
00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,663
He has ways
of making the animals talk?

152
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,040
I'll check
with the run-of-show board.

153
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,209
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.

154
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,752
I don't know
what to tell you, fellas.

155
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:17,961
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?

156
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,757
85 minutes till showtime.

157
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,802
Come on, guys. These transitions
need to be crisp.

158
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,179
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich

159
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:28,430
waiting for you stage right.

160
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,224
We still need
to rehearse five sketches.

161
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,267
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?

162
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,144
Hey, Schiller.
What are you up to?

163
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,688
I'm burning sage.
Removing demons.

164
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,107
Garrett don't do voodoo.

165
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,942
Peter packed
a peck of pickled peckers.

166
00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,486
Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.

167
00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:43,821
- They're both in the show.
- Andy!

168
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,031
They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?

169
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,075
Listen, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.

170
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,243
- He is redefining the form.
- Nice to meet you, Andy.

171
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,411
I mean, we are
in the presence of greatness.

172
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,123
Where is the bathroom?

173
00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,499
Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?

174
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,209
- Yeah. Yeah.
- There you are. Lorne. I can't

175
00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:58,752
- authorize the purchase...
- Dick. Dick.

176
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,170
...of an antique chandelier.

177
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,255
Jim has a question
about something.

178
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,548
- Here. Let's step over here.
-He's out of control.

179
00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,299
- Okay. I understand.
- This isn't a budget.

180
00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:05,384
It's a ransom note.

181
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,510
Someone asked for last
Friday's <i>Johnny Carson?</i>

182
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:07,678
Where the fuck you been,
Charlie?

183
00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:08,762
Sorry, I've been busy.

184
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,847
I'll be back
in a little bit, okay?

185
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,306
Hope I still have a job
when he's gone next week.

186
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,016
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands...

187
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,435
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups...

188
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,521
two musical guests,
each with two performances...

189
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:18,981
a solo piece for Andy Kaufman...

190
00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:21,275
five parody commercials,
Weekend Update...

191
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,484
a film by Albert Brooks...

192
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,070
Jim Henson's Muppet... thing.

193
00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,239
Not to mention seven sketches.

194
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:28,782
- Something for everybody.
- Yeah, it's a lot of show.

195
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,284
- It won't fit.
- We don't know that.

196
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,953
I know that. The dress rehearsal
was three hours.

197
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,121
Audrey thinks we're tight.

198
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,456
Audrey thinks it's time to make
some tough decisions, actually.

199
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,624
Lorne, just cut some things.

200
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,251
- No. We will, but...
-Am I still in the show?

201
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,839
Jesus Christ.

202
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,133
- Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Still on the show, Chev.

203
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,801
Oh, I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie.

204
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,178
- My girlfriend.
- Fiancée.

205
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,387
It looks expensive.

206
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,471
She is.

207
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,556
It is.

208
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,724
I never know
when you're kidding.

209
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,808
Hey, Chev, can I...

210
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,393
Can you show a little goodwill
to your co-star?

211
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,895
- Who? Belushi?
- Mmm-hmm.

212
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,397
God! God!
What the fuck's the matter now?

213
00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:02,065
I think
it's just a new dynamic and...

214
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,442
there are a lot
of expectations for every...

215
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:04,526
I'll tell you what the issue is.

216
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,361
We're not doing
a radio hour anymore

217
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,779
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.

218
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,199
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.

219
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,491
I mean, I could, but I won't.

220
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,993
Right. Well, no one's asking you

221
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,620
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.

222
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,413
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play.

223
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,415
Like a hobo. Or a troll.

224
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,918
Or a fire hydrant.
Or a Volkswagen.

225
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,086
Or a hemorrhoid.

226
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,797
- You're looking sharp, Patches.
-  What?

227
00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:27,424
You have
to cut something.

228
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,343
Yeah. Yeah.

229
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,388
- Neil?
- Oh. Yeah!

230
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,641
Get me a key to this door.
In fact...

231
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,476
I want keys to all the doors.

232
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,977
In the building?

233
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,854
- If you can.
- Yeah.

234
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,692
Frame up on the shot,
okay, Cameron?

235
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,152
That's good.

236
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,947
Ready camera 2. That looks okay.

237
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,031
Hey, guys.

238
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,741
Hey, Lorne.
Can you get down or around?

239
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,368
Down in front.

240
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,203
Dave, how're we looking?

241
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,454
Oh. Good, good, good.
Good, good.

242
00:08:57,621 --> 00:09:00,040
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me on your last visit.

243
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,709
Okay. How's the morale looking
out there?

244
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,211
-"Morale"?
- Mm-hmm.

245
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,339
Oh, I think I can speak
for the entire crew...

246
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:11,760
when I say this is exactly where
we want to be on Saturday night.

247
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,930
- Okay. Great.
-Yeah. Yeah.

248
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,766
Rocky! Wake up, will you?

249
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:21,436
Give me lights 25B, 25C!

250
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,440
Half down on 31! That's 32!

251
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,276
You've done this before, right?

252
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,443
Man,
that's a lot of lights.

253
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,195
Charlie, you're gonna drop
a testicle lifting that thing.

254
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,405
Good job, Charlie.

255
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,531
All right. Quiet, please!

256
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,409
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.

257
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,868
All right. Hey, guys.

258
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,288
We only have two minutes
of commercials...

259
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,832
to make it from stage right
to stage left.

260
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:43,583
Anybody know
the load bearing on the booms?

261
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,669
- Hello, fellas.
- What's up, Joe?

262
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,462
Can I get you anything?
Refreshment?

263
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,922
- Mai Tai?
-I'll take a Schaefer.

264
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,924
Try and at least act like
you're fucking working, please.

265
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,384
John, thank you
for your patience.

266
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:53,468
Moments away, okay?

267
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,597
All right. Next card.
"Al 'Bud' Franken."

268
00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,558
Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis."

269
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,685
Okay. So, this is a bit?

270
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,895
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.

271
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,023
Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..."
Uh...

272
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,276
Lorne, is Rosie going
with Michaels or Shuster?

273
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,571
- That's a good question.
-Should I ask Rosie?

274
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,239
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.

275
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,158
-All right.
-Stew, that's good.

276
00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,617
That's actually looking good.

277
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,578
A little more over.

278
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,079
She's been at it for hours.

279
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,539
She's simply doing her job.

280
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,874
We have to comply
with NBC standards.

281
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,167
Well, I refuse to comply.

282
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,002
- Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue.
- Mmm-hmm?

283
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,214
On page 12, what is clam diving?

284
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:36,011
I believe
the act of harvesting mollusks.

285
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,804
Stew!
You're killing me here.

286
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,222
I just need the lights
for Home Invasion.

287
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,016
Talk to the wonder kid!
He's trying to light

288
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,934
<i>- Jesus Christ Superstar!</i>
-Those are excuses.

289
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,603
Four people up there,
get them lit.

290
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,564
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.

291
00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,900
If that piglet
disfigures my work...

292
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,694
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.

293
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,988
What is "Zipper Dinner"?

294
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,079
How many of these
did you hide in the script?

295
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,956
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.

296
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,416
I know what blue balls are.

297
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,584
You don't say.

298
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,587
Come on, people, move
with purpose. Let's do this.

299
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,006
Al, is that your one?
Come on, give it.

300
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,884
All right. Quiet, please!
Rehearsal is up.

301
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,260
Assault and burglary.

302
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,137
Okay. Actors on your marks, please.

303
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,389
Cameras on their marks.

304
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,473
- Here we go.
- Hey.

305
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,397
Okay! Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.

306
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,065
Sketches! Davy, please.

307
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,149
And action on rehearsals.

308
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,776
Okay. Ready, Camera One?
Take Camera One.

309
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,322
Look, honey. <i>Boeing Boeing</i> with
Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes.

310
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,616
Ready, Camera Two?
Take Camera Two.

311
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:42,035
<i>Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna...</i>

312
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,287
have another glass
of diet root beer

313
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:45,956
and go to bed, okay?

314
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,626
-Aykroyd!
- Cue, Danny.

315
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,215
What's the problem?

316
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,591
What's going on, Dan?

317
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,385
It's a little lodged.

318
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,720
Hi, there!

319
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:01,972
Please do not be alarmed.

320
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,890
This is only a simulated
assault and burglary.

321
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,309
Repeat. This is a simulated
assault and burglary.

322
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,103
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact...

323
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,229
<i>- it just has.</i>
-<i>Call the police!</i>

324
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,313
<i>No, no!</i>

325
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,399
Don't call the police.
I am the police.

326
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,525
Well, I might be, anyway.

327
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,570
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer...
-Hold!

328
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,864
Aykroyd, one giant step
to the right, please.

329
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,198
Yeah. My right?

330
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,241
- Yes.
-Sure.

331
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,243
Uh, say, man, you want me
to say anything in this?

332
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,204
Or am I the silent robber type?

333
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,373
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.

334
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,833
- What script?
-Thanks, Garrett.

335
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,252
Okay. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.

336
00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,629
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.

337
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:35,922
<i>My name is Kenny Vorstrather.</i>

338
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,467
<i>I'm president
of Trojan Horse Home Security.</i>

339
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,844
I have broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you...

340
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,012
...and your family just how...

341
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,555
Watch out!

342
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:45,807
Shit!

343
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,058
Have your girders
been checked?

344
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,393
Piece of shit!
You fucking piece of shit!

345
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,520
I'll fucking break
your fucking jaw!

346
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,815
Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back. Let's go.

347
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,776
John, are you hurt?

348
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,861
Jesus Christ!

349
00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,070
You okay?

350
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,156
Need a new gun.
Where's props for me, please?

351
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,449
Can somebody
clear the children, please?

352
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,575
Excuse me. Watch out, please.

353
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,410
Why? You got
any more fucking lights

354
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,661
you want to drop on us?

355
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,705
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, motherfucker!

356
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,499
Want me to break
your fucking jaw for you?

357
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,625
Fucking amateur hour!

358
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,710
I'll bust your fucking jaw
for you, motherfucker!

359
00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,171
Hey! Hey! How dare you
endanger my actors?

360
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:17,255
Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it.

361
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,340
Really? Yeah.

362
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,467
You're the one asking
for 100 fucking light cues, pal!

363
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,719
Well, feel free to let me know
when my expectations

364
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:23,803
surpass your abilities.

365
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,055
There's a shit-ton of lights.
It's not worth it.

366
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,015
You know, I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.

367
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,517
Like, it's probably good luck.

368
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,602
Wallie.

369
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,397
Uh. this thing's not gonna work.
I need...

370
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,482
Something with
a little more heft.

371
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,317
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?

372
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,777
The script said pistol.

373
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,779
Well, the script
specifically called for...

374
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,615
a Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

375
00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:44,824
Do we go again?

376
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,743
Uh, in this deathtrap?

377
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:47,911
Well, we've worked out
the kinks.

378
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,330
You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.

379
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,249
How high will this thing go, Al?

380
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,000
- Gilda. Gilda.
- Say hello to the cameras, boys.

381
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,378
There's home base...

382
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,754
Kid, this ain't an armory.

383
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,589
No one's gonna notice
the difference.

384
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,757
I'll tell you who'll notice.

385
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:01,925
A few of the fine folks
at home...

386
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,760
who lugged M16s through
four feet of swamp juice

387
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:04,844
in Quang Nam.

388
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,304
Hey, boys!

389
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,306
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.

390
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,391
Don't look too hard.

391
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,475
Proud of yourself?

392
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,185
I'll give you and this circus
till the end of the week.

393
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,062
That's funny. 'Cause I give you
till the end of the day.

394
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,524
All right, everyone.
Let's get this thing cleaned up.

395
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,441
Ah, ah, ah, ah...

396
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,403
Grab a light, broom, dustpan.
We'll get all this glass.

397
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,529
Mmm-mmm.

398
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,532
Thank you, <i>hermano.</i>

399
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,159
All right, Neil,
not with the keys right now.

400
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:37,085
Pow, pow! Pow, pow!

401
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,087
Hey, come on, man.

402
00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:40,755
Violence? Really?

403
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,009
Ha-ha! My main man, Jim!

404
00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:48,221
Say, sorry for shooting
your Muppets, man.

405
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,931
They're not just...

406
00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,891
They're your co-stars.

407
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:56,313
Is that you?
You all right there, Jim?

408
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,231
Yes.

409
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:00,609
No.

410
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:05,322
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.

411
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,657
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck...

412
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,619
and hung him
from my dressing room door.

413
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,163
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
I'm so sorry.

414
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,415
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?

415
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,751
You're full of baloney.

416
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,419
- Uh-oh. Cursing.
-Consider me...

417
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,588
the first rat
off this sinkin' ship!

418
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,381
- Oh, really?
- Don't jump to...

419
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:26,426
Oh, wow, that's mature. Well,
what can I say? Bon voyage.

420
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,595
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.

421
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,846
I'm sure there's someone
else in the building...

422
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,431
- who can push a button, Dick.
- Hey, he's the only one

423
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,725
who knows the location
of the 200 lights you asked for.

424
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:35,852
What is this?

425
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,897
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?

426
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,025
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy!

427
00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:01,086
Mmm...

428
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,712
Sounding good, guys.

429
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,049
Yeah. Okay.

430
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,551
- All right.
- Say, uh...

431
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,303
we actually
worked together before.

432
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,889
I sang backup for Belafonte.

433
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:16,184
Catch that?

434
00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,854
<i>♪ Drink the coconut water ♪</i>

435
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,022
<i>♪ Four to five! ♪</i>

436
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,941
<i>♪ Man, it's good
For you daughter... ♪</i>

437
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,192
<i>♪ Four to five! ♪</i>

438
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,653
<i>♪ Coco got a lotta iron ♪</i>

439
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,368
The guy is singing, too.

440
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,121
How many people
do they have playin' tonight?

441
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:39,749
No. No, no. See, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.

442
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,418
- Yeah, I'm in the cast.
- Uh-huh.

443
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,546
You are a professional comedian?

444
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,382
Uh... Well, uh... No, not...
Not... Not...

445
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:48,967
- Not by trade.
- Okay.

446
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,510
Uh... You see,
I'm actually a playwright.

447
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,345
- All right.
- Perhaps you saw my work...

448
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,432
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.

449
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,100
Yeah, I must have missed that.

450
00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:01,396
Yeah. I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.

451
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,066
Yeah, you seem a little tight.

452
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,359
- A little...
- Do I?

453
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,695
Yeah, you gotta kinda
loosen it up for the show.

454
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,029
Say, Alvin...

455
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,573
Hook Mr...

456
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,575
- What's your name?
- Garrett Morris.

457
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,869
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.

458
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,537
Yeah,
hook Mr. Garrett Morris up...

459
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,707
with a little bit of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?

460
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,418
- Yeah, come...
- Okay.

461
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,794
Go ahead and get it.

462
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:25,962
Medical grade.

463
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,465
Shit so light,
air at the bottom of the bottle.

464
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:29,632
You're gonna float.

465
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,593
Float?

466
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,720
- I'm gonna put this away.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

467
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,930
This is illegal.

468
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:39,768
Yeah, well, you're gonna
need it. For your comedy.

469
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,603
- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

470
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:43,938
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.

471
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:46,232
- All right, y'all, let's get it.
-Scotty, sound check.

472
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,942
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.

473
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,944
Sound check!

474
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:50,987
This should be fun.

475
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,332
Is this full volume?

476
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:03,833
The whole enchilada.

477
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,502
Sounds pretty adequate to me.

478
00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:06,795
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.

479
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,130
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.

480
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,257
Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.

481
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,675
Shouldn't we have more mics?

482
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,052
One band, one mic.

483
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,932
Dick, this needs to be fixed
for tonight.

484
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,517
That's what
I've been talking about.

485
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,018
Three, four.

486
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,486
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?

487
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,779
Yeah, I heard he's in makeup.

488
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572
Do you like being yelled at
or something?

489
00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:35,782
Here, I've got you.

490
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,201
Where are you going?

491
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:52,590
Jimmy, do not bet
on that hand, please.

492
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,805
Can you hold the door?

493
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,474
Yeah, I think so.

494
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:02,642
Ooh.

495
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,769
- Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.
-All right.

496
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,604
You don't want
to hurt your stomach.

497
00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:07,689
All right, Rosie.

498
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,612
There he is...

499
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,198
the star of the show.

500
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,993
Come on, Rosie.
Not the fucking bees!

501
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,913
I'm not a dashboard ornament.

502
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,542
No, you're adorable,
is what you are...

503
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:31,754
and all that fur, every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.

504
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,341
I am a trained professional.

505
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,136
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.

506
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,472
Come on. You want a little cig?

507
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:46,394
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?

508
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:47,687
It's a five-second changeover

509
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,188
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?

510
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,566
Lorne didn't think you'd
have time to get into your toga.

511
00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:53,318
Okay.

512
00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,533
Excuse me, ma'am.

513
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:01,743
Don't be alarmed.

514
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:05,288
You're dealing with
a fully-qualified male strumpet.

515
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,832
Hey, Rosie, I got
the latest version of New Dad.

516
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,000
Okay.

517
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,668
Behave.

518
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,420
Bee-have.

519
00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:16,466
I can assure you
professional hygiene...

520
00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,344
discretion,
animal gratification...

521
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,511
Listen, strumpet...

522
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,639
It's Fred Garvin.
Male prostitute.

523
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,140
How much is this gonna cost me?

524
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,975
Hey, need you in costumes.

525
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,394
I told them to make those
hot pants extra hot.

526
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,604
Yummy.

527
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,940
Lorne, we're gonna go check out
the cut on New Dad,

528
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,024
you want to see?

529
00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:38,321
Holy shit, holy shit.
Sorry, Lorne. Jesus.

530
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:39,864
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the bee costume.

531
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:40,949
You know anything about this?

532
00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:42,951
It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.

533
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,202
- He's better than Brando.
- Lorne, Lorne.

534
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,411
I'm working on it, Dick.

535
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,413
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.

536
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,457
- He'll be studied.
- They will study his liver.

537
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,459
John is better when he's angry.

538
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,044
Rose, you understand
that in an hour,

539
00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,170
I owe a television program?

540
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,296
I made a covenant
with the National...

541
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,381
- Broadcasting Company.
- A covenant, huh?

542
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,549
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on
the hook for 90 minutes...

543
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,551
- of live television.
- Okay, Abraham.

544
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,556
Rose, must you turn him
into a bee?

545
00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:06,933
I am not turning him into a bee.

546
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,017
Thanks, Tom.

547
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,228
He is a man in a bee costume.

548
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:11,688
- There is a difference.
- Hmm.

549
00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:14,691
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.

550
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:18,611
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.

551
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,862
Mmm-hmm.

552
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,197
Where do these ideas
even come from?

553
00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,992
I just send an imaginary dog
to fetch an imaginary stick.

554
00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,493
Yeah? Must be some dog.

555
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,370
He's very well trained.

556
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:28,955
<i>Honey, I'm home.</i>

557
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,206
<i>Hey, pal.</i>

558
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,542
<i>Hey.</i>

559
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:33,626
<i>How are ya?</i>

560
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,545
Looks like
Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell

561
00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:36,796
into another segment.

562
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,090
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.

563
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:40,299
Jesus Christ.

564
00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:42,301
<i>A wonderful family.</i>

565
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:43,636
<i>Everything you need...</i>

566
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:44,595
...<i>for the future.</i>

567
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:46,556
- Danny's good in this.
- Yeah, he is.

568
00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:49,726
<i>What if you were suddenly
out of the picture?</i>

569
00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:51,686
Can we add sound there
over the X?

570
00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:54,188
-Like a buzzer?
- No, funny, like a bell.

571
00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,440
Good call.

572
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,358
And if we could hold
on the photo

573
00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:58,651
for another eight frames.

574
00:21:58,651 --> 00:21:59,986
Um, 16 frames.

575
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,781
Were you...

576
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:07,201
thinking of going home
with him tonight?

577
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,037
With Danny? Tonight?

578
00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:10,621
Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting
that you weren't gonna tell me.

579
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:11,706
If you need alone time,
I can, I just...

580
00:22:11,706 --> 00:22:12,957
No, no, no. I just didn't know,
like, if you were...

581
00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,876
It's opening night.
So, I figured that it wasn't

582
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:16,377
- the right time.
- I mean, neither did I.

583
00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:17,712
Well, then why are you asking?

584
00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:19,797
Just avoiding surprises, Rose.

585
00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,799
- But you love surprises.
- I love surprises.

586
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,135
Like Anne Frank
loved her drum set.

587
00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:26,262
Don't encourage her.

588
00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:28,139
Can you hold on the photo

589
00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,348
for another eight frames, please?

590
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,516
It's always eight frames.

591
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,685
Eight frames is a beat. So...

592
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,564
Can you believe I need to cut
an hour of the show?

593
00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,067
NBC doesn't want a three-hour
sketch comedy review?

594
00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:40,943
Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.

595
00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612
Well, what is it, then?

596
00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:44,030
<i>Honey, I'm home.</i>

597
00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:46,199
<i>Yes, it's New Dad.</i>

598
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:47,825
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians

599
00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:48,910
off the street.

600
00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:50,203
I know.

601
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,246
They sleep on our dinette
and they whiz in our sink.

602
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:53,581
By some miraculous accident...

603
00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,166
I found a place to call home

604
00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:56,667
for our little circus
of rejects,

605
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,086
on national television.

606
00:22:58,252 --> 00:22:59,712
Rose, this is our shot.

607
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,339
It's a shot.

608
00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:02,507
Rose...

609
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:06,219
You're actually nervous.

610
00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:11,974
Oh, uh...

611
00:23:12,683 --> 00:23:14,519
Barbara was asking about, um...

612
00:23:15,144 --> 00:23:18,314
your credit... on the show.

613
00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:20,316
I figured
you'd go with Michaels.

614
00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:21,692
Is that what you want?

615
00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:26,864
I mean, you know, we're married
and you're my wife.

616
00:23:27,031 --> 00:23:29,367
I figured
it's the straightest line.

617
00:23:29,534 --> 00:23:31,452
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.

618
00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,704
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on a crawl.

619
00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:35,373
Well, what would you prefer?

620
00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:40,378
Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs

621
00:23:40,378 --> 00:23:41,796
are waiting
in the green room for you.

622
00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:43,881
- Fuck.
- VTR needed this yesterday.

623
00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:45,216
Well, it looks great.

624
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,012
- Tom, Al, what's this about?
-Hey, Lorne.

625
00:23:50,179 --> 00:23:52,140
- A last-minute piece.
- Just in case you need it.

626
00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:53,432
I don't. What's the gag?

627
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:55,893
We're gonna dress Aykroyd up
as Julia Childs.

628
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,520
- America's favorite chef.
- Okay.

629
00:23:57,687 --> 00:23:59,647
And right as she's carvin' up
a turkey on live television...

630
00:23:59,814 --> 00:24:01,858
She slices open an artery.
Blood everywhere.

631
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:03,192
Everywhere.

632
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:05,945
That's the whole pitch?

633
00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,113
Yeah, just America's
favorite chef

634
00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:08,197
painting the walls
with her insides.

635
00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:09,282
Total gore fest.

636
00:24:09,282 --> 00:24:10,658
It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.

637
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,660
Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs

638
00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,871
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.

639
00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:16,122
- Sounds promising.
- Wait, wait, boss.

640
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,248
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.

641
00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:18,332
Just put down a tarp.

642
00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:19,876
Yeah, he doesn't like
the Julia Childs bit.

643
00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:21,294
Uh, George...

644
00:24:23,421 --> 00:24:25,381
- How's Carlin?
- Warming up the pipes.

645
00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:28,134
Okay, well, heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.

646
00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:29,427
Eh. Formality.

647
00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,679
Uh, yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.

648
00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:34,056
Uh, speaking of, the folks in
standards are a little uneasy...

649
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,183
about the parody commercial

650
00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,684
playing right before
the regular ads.

651
00:24:36,684 --> 00:24:38,519
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.

652
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,521
One might argue that's
what makes it humorous, Dick.

653
00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:41,898
Yeah, but, Lorne,
at what point are we

654
00:24:41,898 --> 00:24:43,232
not just making fun
of the audience?

655
00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:45,067
Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte.
If anything,

656
00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:47,153
it'll make the other commercials
feel all the more real...

657
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,071
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.

658
00:24:49,614 --> 00:24:50,740
Who's in there?
Should I be concerned?

659
00:24:50,907 --> 00:24:52,533
No. Just try not to use words

660
00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,243
like "underground"
or "revolutionary."

661
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:55,494
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.

662
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:56,662
Yeah.

663
00:24:58,414 --> 00:24:59,874
What the fuck? There's like
a thousand people in there.

664
00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:02,293
Fifty. The affiliates,
from across the country.

665
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,544
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.

666
00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:04,795
I don't have time for this,
Dick.

667
00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,631
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide

668
00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:08,174
whether or not we have a hit.

669
00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:11,135
They choose whether we go
on the air. We need them.

670
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,389
- Three minutes?
- Tops.

671
00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:19,185
Gentlemen. Hello.
Lorne Michaels.

672
00:25:19,352 --> 00:25:20,686
Hi. Lorne Michaels.

673
00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,147
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

674
00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:25,066
Lorne Michaels. This is my show.

675
00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:27,610
Hi, where are we flying in from,
gentlemen? Chicago and...

676
00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,737
- New Orleans.
- New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic.

677
00:25:29,904 --> 00:25:32,365
Well, we're very lucky
to have some Southerners here.

678
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:33,783
Hi. Nice to meet you.

679
00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:36,827
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.

680
00:25:36,994 --> 00:25:39,038
Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi.

681
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,624
I appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi.

682
00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:43,542
-Tallahassee.
- Tallahassee? Wow.

683
00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,378
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Hi.

684
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:47,880
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen...

685
00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:51,801
Can I see that?

686
00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:53,511
Thank you.

687
00:25:54,679 --> 00:25:55,846
Hope this isn't the only thing

688
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,515
getting sucked
on this weekend, boys.

689
00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,893
Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of <i>Godfather</i>

690
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,603
if it was shot in Alabama.

691
00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:06,315
I see some cowboys here.

692
00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:08,234
That's a hell
of a 10-gallon hat.

693
00:26:08,401 --> 00:26:10,236
You look like you're ready
for a date with a livestock.

694
00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:14,407
Welcome to New York.

695
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,741
It's quite diverse.

696
00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:17,451
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.

697
00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,662
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writer's room.

698
00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:23,499
Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.

699
00:26:23,666 --> 00:26:26,335
My favorite thing about Ohio...

700
00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:30,589
Let me introduce you
to our head writer...

701
00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:34,218
our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.

702
00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:37,054
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.

703
00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:39,807
Um, I'm certain
you all know Mr. Rogers.

704
00:26:39,974 --> 00:26:42,184
Perhaps the most kind
and gentle man

705
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:43,394
in all of television.

706
00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:47,064
This is my impression
of Mr. Rogers...

707
00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:50,401
plunging 18-inch
steel sewing needles...

708
00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:51,569
into his eyes.

709
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,792
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael.

710
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:07,835
Um...

711
00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,296
Well, now you know
why they put us on at midnight.

712
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:11,339
Um...

713
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,760
Uh, hello, everybody,
my name is Lorne Michaels.

714
00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:19,722
I'm the producer
and creator of <i>Saturday Night.</i>

715
00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:23,392
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.

716
00:27:23,559 --> 00:27:26,645
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston...

717
00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:28,898
a film by Albert Brooks.

718
00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:31,525
Jim Henson's Muppets.

719
00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:35,154
We're, uh, excited for tonight.

720
00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:36,947
Uh...

721
00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:39,325
Because there's never been
a television show...

722
00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:42,703
made for or by the generation...

723
00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:45,664
that grew up
watching television. So...

724
00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:52,588
In the words
of my dear friend Che Guevara...

725
00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:54,965
this is the revolution.

726
00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,050
Yes. Yes.

727
00:27:57,593 --> 00:27:58,803
Who's with us?

728
00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:00,304
Heads on pikes!

729
00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:03,557
Blood will run in the streets!

730
00:28:05,059 --> 00:28:06,352
Gentlemen, behold...

731
00:28:06,977 --> 00:28:08,145
if you listen closely,
you can hear...

732
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,689
Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.

733
00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:11,941
Lorne can get
a little passionate.

734
00:28:11,941 --> 00:28:13,401
And so can Chevy.

735
00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:14,902
- Blood in the streets?
- Yeah.

736
00:28:15,069 --> 00:28:16,737
- Well, that sounds delightful.
- Mmm-hmm

737
00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:19,240
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?

738
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,492
Uh, about 250 an episode.

739
00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,702
Well, I guess
revolutions aren't cheap.

740
00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:24,787
Right.

741
00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:27,373
What is this?
Absolutely not.

742
00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:29,542
No. No, no, no. We're not
gonna beg for their approval.

743
00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:30,668
No, take it down,
we don't need this.

744
00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:31,752
Well, you know...

745
00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,295
Lorne Michaels is
a special bird, you know.

746
00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:34,380
He believes in his vision.

747
00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,799
Well, that's nice.

748
00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:38,551
Mmm...

749
00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:41,387
And he doesn't really bend.

750
00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:45,349
We know how that story goes.

751
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,352
Mmm-hmm.

752
00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,772
Des Moines.
How'd you escape?

753
00:28:51,939 --> 00:28:53,691
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.

754
00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:56,694
My father had good taste
and my mom was an alcoholic.

755
00:28:56,861 --> 00:29:00,448
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?

756
00:29:00,865 --> 00:29:02,324
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.

757
00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:05,035
You held that room like a pro.

758
00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:07,079
-  Thank you.
- I mean it.

759
00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:09,540
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.

760
00:29:09,707 --> 00:29:11,750
You know,
I handle <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

761
00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:13,335
I didn't know that.

762
00:29:14,295 --> 00:29:15,296
Between us...

763
00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:17,756
Johnny Carson isn't gonna
be around forever.

764
00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:20,509
Think about it.

765
00:29:22,303 --> 00:29:24,472
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.

766
00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:27,892
That means something.

767
00:29:40,070 --> 00:29:42,323
Uh, Lorne,
you remember Dave Tebet.

768
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:44,116
Oh, of course.

769
00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:45,451
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, Dick.

770
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:46,785
Smart kid.

771
00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,496
Quite a lineup this evening.

772
00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,206
You know, while I have you,
I do understand

773
00:29:50,206 --> 00:29:51,624
that we are bending
some of the rules...

774
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:54,084
Lorne, this is NBC.
There is a way things are done.

775
00:29:54,251 --> 00:29:55,628
- The Peacock way.
- Right.

776
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:56,837
Well, we are thinking
a little differently.

777
00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:57,922
We just, you know...

778
00:29:57,922 --> 00:29:59,256
You know, maybe an emu.

779
00:29:59,256 --> 00:30:00,382
Hey, that's... Well, I just...

780
00:30:00,549 --> 00:30:01,592
Dick, shut the fuck up.

781
00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:06,722
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face?

782
00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:08,349
-Mmm-hmm.
- What do you think he's gonna do?

783
00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,768
Embarrass us
with some half-assed,

784
00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:12,269
rat-fuck donkey show?

785
00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:14,021
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.

786
00:30:14,188 --> 00:30:15,898
- Michael.
- I expect you...

787
00:30:16,065 --> 00:30:19,610
to be an unbending force
of seismic disturbance.

788
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:23,697
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a bomb went off.

789
00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:26,242
Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.

790
00:30:26,242 --> 00:30:29,495
Oh, fuck that. This isn't
the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.

791
00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:30,829
It's <i>Saturday</i> fucking Night.

792
00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:32,998
I want you
to be thunderous and deafening.

793
00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:35,960
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.

794
00:30:36,126 --> 00:30:37,920
Great. I mean,
I've always seen this

795
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,046
as a collision that erupts...

796
00:30:39,213 --> 00:30:40,714
- from every screen in America.
- Yes. Yes.

797
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:43,217
A prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation.

798
00:30:43,384 --> 00:30:45,511
Stop! Don't say another word.

799
00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:49,139
Don't question another instinct.

800
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,975
- Ebersol?
- Yes?

801
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,311
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.

802
00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:55,479
Yeah, he certainly
talks like a...

803
00:30:55,646 --> 00:30:58,732
A man with a vision.

804
00:30:59,149 --> 00:31:01,318
And I want you
to take that vision...

805
00:31:01,819 --> 00:31:03,445
like a Sherman Tank...

806
00:31:03,612 --> 00:31:07,032
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way.

807
00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:08,576
Even me.

808
00:31:09,910 --> 00:31:12,621
"Use emotion for the many
and reserve reason for the few."

809
00:31:13,038 --> 00:31:14,123
I like that.

810
00:31:14,707 --> 00:31:16,417
I'm putting it on my wall.

811
00:31:19,503 --> 00:31:21,005
Was that a Hitler quote?

812
00:31:21,005 --> 00:31:22,673
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.

813
00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:24,174
You missed a call
from Johnny Carson.

814
00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:25,426
I picked up the phone
'cause it was ringing.

815
00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:26,510
What did you tell him?

816
00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:28,262
I told... I don't remember.
He hung up on me.

817
00:31:28,262 --> 00:31:29,680
Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?

818
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,181
I did have
a UFO encounter experience once.

819
00:31:31,348 --> 00:31:32,349
Danny ordered it for his office.

820
00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:34,685
That's confidence. Can you find
me something to eat?

821
00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:36,937
Neil, why would
he order a bunk bed?

822
00:31:38,522 --> 00:31:39,898
Could you get that hippie shit
out of my face?

823
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,442
And I am actually very strong.

824
00:31:41,442 --> 00:31:42,526
Thinking that
he can do the voice?

825
00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,278
- It's Aykroyd. Of course he can.
- It's Aykroyd.

826
00:31:44,278 --> 00:31:45,404
But that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.

827
00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:46,572
Hello, boys.

828
00:31:46,739 --> 00:31:48,365
- Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?
- Hey, Mike.

829
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,284
- Nervous about what?
- Performing on live TV.

830
00:31:50,451 --> 00:31:51,660
I'd be shitting bricks.

831
00:31:51,827 --> 00:31:55,456
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.

832
00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:58,167
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.

833
00:31:58,334 --> 00:31:59,960
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.

834
00:32:00,127 --> 00:32:02,129
Hello, Herb.
How's Update coming?

835
00:32:02,296 --> 00:32:04,715
South Vietnam has seized
and burned

836
00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,967
100,000 <i>Playboy</i> magazines.

837
00:32:07,134 --> 00:32:08,427
I'm still working
on the punch line.

838
00:32:09,845 --> 00:32:12,723
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.

839
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,686
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
We need that couch.

840
00:32:18,604 --> 00:32:20,022
- Rise and shine.
- Oh, God.

841
00:32:20,648 --> 00:32:22,191
- Coming through, coming through.
- Whoo! Okay.

842
00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:24,735
Oh, pages.

843
00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:25,819
- Watch your back.
-Coming through.

844
00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:27,821
Oh. Here we are.

845
00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:30,991
You all right there, Chev?

846
00:32:32,493 --> 00:32:33,702
Things are...

847
00:32:34,495 --> 00:32:35,829
kooper kippy, Herb.

848
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:37,790
I think it just happened.

849
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,125
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.

850
00:32:41,210 --> 00:32:42,419
- The what?
- You know...

851
00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,588
from the guys upstairs.

852
00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:48,258
What's gonna happen to me?
I mean, Herb...

853
00:32:49,510 --> 00:32:52,596
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?

854
00:32:52,763 --> 00:32:53,847
Well, I don't know, Chevy.

855
00:32:54,223 --> 00:32:55,891
I never got a shoulder tap.

856
00:32:56,642 --> 00:32:58,185
I just made a fortune...

857
00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:00,187
and won a few Emmys...

858
00:33:00,354 --> 00:33:01,522
and slept with Gloria Steinem.

859
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:02,981
Two out of three ain't bad.

860
00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:04,316
Here we are.

861
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:06,485
Oh, wow,
you're in so many scenes.

862
00:33:06,652 --> 00:33:10,197
Well... Yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.

863
00:33:10,364 --> 00:33:11,365
You're the hot one.

864
00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,117
I think Jane's the hot one.

865
00:33:13,283 --> 00:33:16,453
No, I'm the mom.
The still-fuckable mom.

866
00:33:18,205 --> 00:33:20,124
My instinct is that
the American people

867
00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:22,084
are gonna fall in love with you.

868
00:33:22,751 --> 00:33:26,338
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.

869
00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:28,549
You'll waste away
most of your life...

870
00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,009
with purchased company.

871
00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:33,220
And then eventually
you'll self-medicate...

872
00:33:33,387 --> 00:33:36,223
with booze and hookers
and heroin.

873
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,809
I imagine you'll die alone.

874
00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:41,979
Falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.

875
00:33:42,146 --> 00:33:43,147
Jesus.

876
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:45,023
I can't wait.

877
00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,151
Well, you're
everyone's favorite, Gilda.

878
00:33:47,443 --> 00:33:49,653
I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.

879
00:33:49,820 --> 00:33:52,740
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.

880
00:33:52,906 --> 00:33:54,116
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute,

881
00:33:54,116 --> 00:33:56,076
Lorne's just gonna ship me back.

882
00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:58,912
Oh. No. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.

883
00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:00,247
There's a reason
you're here.

884
00:34:00,247 --> 00:34:01,665
You may not know it,
but Lorne does.

885
00:34:01,665 --> 00:34:03,292
- Oh, God!
- You're dealing here with...

886
00:34:03,292 --> 00:34:04,793
a fully-qualified male strumpet.

887
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,503
I'm not a prop, mister.

888
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:08,839
You know, I can assure you
professional hygiene...

889
00:34:09,339 --> 00:34:12,092
discretion,
animal gratification.

890
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:14,511
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet?

891
00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:15,679
You rang?

892
00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,473
Yeah. I need the Muppet pages.

893
00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:18,891
I already turned in
that one script.

894
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,267
Was Henson uncomfortable

895
00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:22,019
with the Muppets
on a plantation?

896
00:34:22,019 --> 00:34:23,103
It was a musical number.

897
00:34:23,103 --> 00:34:24,480
I don't think
that's the problem.

898
00:34:25,272 --> 00:34:27,649
I just can't write for those
little hairy facecloths.

899
00:34:27,816 --> 00:34:28,817
Well, I need something
for Henson.

900
00:34:28,817 --> 00:34:29,985
We go live in an hour.

901
00:34:30,569 --> 00:34:33,572
You cannot
say "horny" on NBC.

902
00:34:34,114 --> 00:34:35,824
Did you see
what that evangelical cunt

903
00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:37,117
did to our pages?

904
00:34:40,662 --> 00:34:41,955
I'll be right back.

905
00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:44,124
So you want us to say sexy
instead of horny?

906
00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:45,584
And sexy and horny
just don't mean the same thing.

907
00:34:45,751 --> 00:34:47,669
I struggle
to see the difference.

908
00:34:47,836 --> 00:34:50,047
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.

909
00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:51,340
It's certainly not sexy.

910
00:34:51,507 --> 00:34:53,091
What on earth are you doing?

911
00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:57,846
I'd rather butt-fuck cancer
than make these changes.

912
00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:09,107
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.

913
00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,401
I am a woman of God.

914
00:35:11,568 --> 00:35:14,363
I'd heard that God's love
is blind. Now I know why.

915
00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:16,031
You see this?

916
00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:17,241
I do.

917
00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:20,244
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker...

918
00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,204
but this one is special.

919
00:35:22,371 --> 00:35:25,499
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.

920
00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:26,667
It is a weapon...

921
00:35:26,834 --> 00:35:29,670
against vulgarity, sex...

922
00:35:29,837 --> 00:35:33,131
communism, and hedonism.

923
00:35:33,340 --> 00:35:37,594
Oh. What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?

924
00:35:37,761 --> 00:35:38,804
Yes, that too.

925
00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,514
How about infanticide?

926
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:42,140
Excuse me?

927
00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:43,725
Apologies. Just a...

928
00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,770
$2 word for a parent
who kills their own child.

929
00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,399
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.

930
00:35:50,399 --> 00:35:52,317
Oh, understandably.
Me too, by the way.

931
00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:53,819
It's just I had this idea
for a sketch,

932
00:35:53,819 --> 00:35:54,945
and I'm not sure if it's funny.

933
00:35:54,945 --> 00:35:56,029
You can be the judge.

934
00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,322
It's about this...

935
00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,074
powerful, temperamental guy

936
00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:00,951
who rapes this virgin
in the middle of the night.

937
00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,119
I know, awful.

938
00:36:02,286 --> 00:36:04,329
Knocks her up
without ever saying "Hello..."

939
00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:05,873
buying her flowers, whatever.

940
00:36:05,873 --> 00:36:07,416
And then...

941
00:36:07,583 --> 00:36:08,750
here's the funny part.

942
00:36:09,251 --> 00:36:10,836
He has their bastard son...

943
00:36:11,003 --> 00:36:13,797
publicly mutilated and tortured
to death on a cross.

944
00:36:16,133 --> 00:36:18,218
You are a vile human.

945
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,429
Ah, fuck.
You've heard this before.

946
00:36:22,639 --> 00:36:23,640
Mr. O'Donoghue.

947
00:36:23,807 --> 00:36:26,476
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.

948
00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:27,561
No, I am Satan.

949
00:36:28,103 --> 00:36:29,521
- I am Satan.
- I am Satan.

950
00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:30,898
- I am Satan.
- I'm Satan.

951
00:36:31,064 --> 00:36:32,441
-No. I am Satan.
-We're Satan.

952
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:36,904
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.

953
00:36:37,529 --> 00:36:38,822
Bye.

954
00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:42,659
Are you out of your mind?

955
00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:44,161
Look, for better or worse,
I call it like I see it.

956
00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:45,287
Well, that was worse.

957
00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:46,538
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.

958
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:47,623
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.

959
00:36:47,623 --> 00:36:48,707
You're back on the Muppets.

960
00:36:48,707 --> 00:36:50,208
-Fuck you, I'll quit.
- Yeah, I doubt that.

961
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,376
It's Leo. He's been fighting

962
00:36:51,376 --> 00:36:52,669
with security,
and there's blood.

963
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:54,630
Oh, my God. Dick.

964
00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:56,048
Oh, shit.

965
00:37:00,052 --> 00:37:00,886
Ah!

966
00:37:00,886 --> 00:37:03,096
- Hey!
- Hey, Dick. Is this turkey?

967
00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:04,723
-While I have...
- There wasn't a sign, so I...

968
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:05,807
- Great.
- Lorne, Lorne.

969
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:06,850
While I have you...

970
00:37:06,850 --> 00:37:09,102
Uh, I know you always want to be
on the cutting edge.

971
00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:10,604
Check this out.

972
00:37:11,188 --> 00:37:12,356
Polaroid.

973
00:37:14,524 --> 00:37:15,525
Okay.

974
00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:18,862
Uh, we can have the actors
demo it live.

975
00:37:19,029 --> 00:37:21,448
Write it into sketches,
do live commercials.

976
00:37:21,615 --> 00:37:23,033
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.

977
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:24,993
Dick, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.

978
00:37:25,202 --> 00:37:26,203
Neither did I.

979
00:37:26,370 --> 00:37:28,330
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.

980
00:37:28,330 --> 00:37:29,790
I completely understand.

981
00:37:29,790 --> 00:37:31,792
But television's driven
by advertising.

982
00:37:31,792 --> 00:37:33,251
It's what makes the motor run.

983
00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:34,586
It's really
not a big deal at all.

984
00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:36,254
Just please don't show this
to the talent.

985
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:37,631
I don't want them thinking

986
00:37:37,631 --> 00:37:38,924
they're back
on the <i>Kraft Macaroni Hour.</i>

987
00:37:39,675 --> 00:37:41,593
You know, what, are we
going kayaking? What is this?

988
00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:43,595
Lorne, we're over budget.

989
00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:45,263
Dick, you don't need
to tell me that.

990
00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,682
Someone needs to tell you that.

991
00:37:46,682 --> 00:37:48,016
We don't even know
what the show is yet.

992
00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:49,559
How could we possibly know
the budget?

993
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:50,644
That's true.
That's a good point.

994
00:37:50,644 --> 00:37:51,770
Neil, please.

995
00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,271
If we don't know
what the show is,

996
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,815
Lorne, what the fuck
are we doing here?

997
00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:56,608
I know the ingredients.

998
00:37:57,401 --> 00:37:58,443
Just not the amounts.

999
00:37:58,443 --> 00:37:59,528
Lorne, what does that mean?

1000
00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:01,405
We just have to make it
to 11:30.

1001
00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:03,073
Hey!

1002
00:38:03,073 --> 00:38:04,533
Ah!

1003
00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:05,784
Fuck! You fascist.

1004
00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:07,953
- You want to lose your job?
- You want to lose your teeth?

1005
00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:09,663
I'm the producer
of NBC'S <i>Saturday Night</i>

1006
00:38:09,663 --> 00:38:11,248
and you just hit a man
with a Tony.

1007
00:38:11,248 --> 00:38:13,333
- I've hit plenty of Tony's.
- All right. Hey, that's enough.

1008
00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:16,169
Tell your friends,
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.

1009
00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:18,255
-Shove it up your ass.
-Fuck you.

1010
00:38:18,255 --> 00:38:19,715
All right.
Keep going with the bricks.

1011
00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:21,425
You took that punch
like a champ.

1012
00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:22,843
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed

1013
00:38:22,843 --> 00:38:24,344
to be pinching
the bottom of the nostrils.

1014
00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:25,429
If you pinch a little higher...

1015
00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:28,515
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something?

1016
00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,976
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out linoleum?

1017
00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:33,854
- Hey! Fuck you!
- Okay. Jesus. Just relax.

1018
00:38:33,854 --> 00:38:35,772
Dick, our vision for home base
is a street corner...

1019
00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:37,733
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.

1020
00:38:37,733 --> 00:38:39,901
Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna
use real blood and vomit, too?

1021
00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:41,028
I'll give you
some real fucking blood.

1022
00:38:41,028 --> 00:38:42,112
Hey, hey, whoa,
no more fighting.

1023
00:38:42,112 --> 00:38:43,447
No more fighting.
He doesn't know.

1024
00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:44,656
He doesn't know. It's okay.

1025
00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,660
Why are we stopping?

1026
00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:56,251
- Hello, everybody.
-Andy.

1027
00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,170
What are you... You can't keep
wandering off like that.

1028
00:38:58,170 --> 00:38:59,713
I had to go to the bathroom.

1029
00:38:59,713 --> 00:39:00,964
That's very good.
That's very good.

1030
00:39:00,964 --> 00:39:02,049
Lorne...

1031
00:39:02,049 --> 00:39:03,050
Barbara,
what time do you have?

1032
00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:04,634
Uh, 10:39.

1033
00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:06,178
- Lorne.
-Hmm?

1034
00:39:07,220 --> 00:39:08,221
The brick.

1035
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:09,681
It's...

1036
00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,521
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike.

1037
00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:18,065
It's honest.

1038
00:39:18,231 --> 00:39:19,900
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.

1039
00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:22,110
Okay, but what is the show?

1040
00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,785
I mean, honestly, Dick,
if you don't know by now...

1041
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,622
Chevy Chase.

1042
00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:35,874
Gilda Radner.

1043
00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:37,918
Dan Ayk-a...

1044
00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:40,087
How the fuck
do you pronounce this?

1045
00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:41,254
Aykroyd.

1046
00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:42,672
Dan Aykroyd.

1047
00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:44,216
50 minutes, everybody!

1048
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,093
Laraine Newman.

1049
00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,677
You nervous?

1050
00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:50,138
Uh, no. No, not really.

1051
00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:51,973
I mean,
I've only got a couple bits.

1052
00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,142
The jury thing and a TV host.

1053
00:39:55,060 --> 00:39:56,645
Uh-huh...

1054
00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:02,025
Say, you ever wonder exactly
what it is you are doing here?

1055
00:40:02,901 --> 00:40:04,778
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.

1056
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,321
And what is that?

1057
00:40:06,905 --> 00:40:08,365
Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya,

1058
00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:10,992
I like to give 100%
in everything I do.

1059
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:14,579
And I like a dish soap
that does that too.

1060
00:40:15,831 --> 00:40:18,834
So alive, so young,
so alluring...

1061
00:40:19,376 --> 00:40:22,003
so exotic, so hypnotic...

1062
00:40:22,462 --> 00:40:23,713
so manipulative...

1063
00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:27,342
so sadistically abusive...

1064
00:40:27,509 --> 00:40:29,594
so cartoonishly abhorrent...

1065
00:40:30,095 --> 00:40:31,555
You see, when it comes
to my skin

1066
00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,014
and my sensitive parts...

1067
00:40:33,223 --> 00:40:36,476
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.

1068
00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,478
Strong enough for a man...

1069
00:40:38,645 --> 00:40:41,523
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.

1070
00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:43,900
And don't wait. Act now.

1071
00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:46,319
Act like your very life
depends on it.

1072
00:40:46,486 --> 00:40:48,196
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.

1073
00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:52,659
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.

1074
00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:56,538
Man, what the fuck

1075
00:40:56,538 --> 00:40:58,456
- was all of that?
- That was my 20s, Garrett.

1076
00:40:58,623 --> 00:41:00,584
And that is exactly
what I'm doing here.

1077
00:41:01,001 --> 00:41:02,002
Well, shit...

1078
00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:05,255
I'm just here
to play the butler...

1079
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:08,592
the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.

1080
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,303
Think you seem
a little nice for a pimp.

1081
00:41:12,012 --> 00:41:14,055
You're a little pretty
for a comedienne.

1082
00:41:14,306 --> 00:41:16,099
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.

1083
00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:17,058
Hmm.

1084
00:41:17,058 --> 00:41:21,479
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, George Carlin!</i>

1085
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:23,940
You can't just let me come out
from behind a goddamn curtain?

1086
00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,193
I have to descend
like Norma fuckin' Desmond.

1087
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:28,486
All right. Fuck you, everyone.

1088
00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:30,655
Fuck you, fuck you.

1089
00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:32,115
I've definitely fucked you.

1090
00:41:32,282 --> 00:41:33,742
-Fuck you.
- Yeah.

1091
00:41:33,909 --> 00:41:35,827
-Fuck you.
- Fuck all of you.

1092
00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:37,078
You have to distract her.

1093
00:41:37,245 --> 00:41:38,371
How?

1094
00:41:38,538 --> 00:41:39,873
With your sparkling wit.

1095
00:41:42,250 --> 00:41:43,335
Excuse me, miss.

1096
00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:45,212
Could you confirm that this is
a normal deck of cards?

1097
00:41:45,378 --> 00:41:46,838
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?

1098
00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:49,966
-George!
- Yeah. All right.

1099
00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:52,135
Welcome to the show.
I have some musics and laughs.

1100
00:41:52,302 --> 00:41:54,554
I plug the record,
blah-blah-blah.

1101
00:41:54,554 --> 00:41:57,515
Regular old deck, 52 cards.
I am going to make...

1102
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:59,309
-George, keep going, please.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1103
00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:00,769
You ever look at the crowds
in old movies

1104
00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:02,145
and wonder if they're dead yet?

1105
00:42:02,312 --> 00:42:03,438
Slow, slow, slow!

1106
00:42:05,398 --> 00:42:07,525
Are you fucking kidding me
with this shit?

1107
00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:09,402
And throw to Janis.

1108
00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:10,820
What?

1109
00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:13,323
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.

1110
00:42:13,949 --> 00:42:15,992
- Keep going.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

1111
00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:17,452
Janis Ian.

1112
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:21,915
<i>♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪</i>

1113
00:42:22,082 --> 00:42:26,044
<i>♪ That love was meant
For beauty queens ♪</i>

1114
00:42:27,128 --> 00:42:29,589
<i>♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪</i>

1115
00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:33,551
<i>♪ Who married young
And then retired ♪</i>

1116
00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:36,388
- Mr. Carlin?
- Yeah?

1117
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,890
I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards.

1118
00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,725
- Oh, I didn't know they had any.
- Joan, he's very busy.

1119
00:42:40,892 --> 00:42:42,269
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?

1120
00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,646
No, no, no. I'd like to hear
her concerns personally,

1121
00:42:44,646 --> 00:42:45,730
if you don't mind.

1122
00:42:45,897 --> 00:42:47,565
I know you have
a propensity for the obscene...

1123
00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,402
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.

1124
00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:51,903
- Thank you very much.
- Mr. Carlin...

1125
00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:53,363
you'll be happy to know
that there is...

1126
00:42:54,489 --> 00:42:56,283
one delay button...

1127
00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,868
and my finger is on it.

1128
00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,581
I'm surprised
you even found the button...

1129
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:05,208
let alone touched it.

1130
00:43:07,544 --> 00:43:09,045
Is this your eight of diamonds?

1131
00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:13,758
<i>♪ Who called to say
come dance with me ♪</i>

1132
00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:16,511
Are you gonna help?

1133
00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:19,848
I really wish we could,
but, uh, we don't do bricks.

1134
00:43:20,015 --> 00:43:21,474
What guild is it
that does the bricks?

1135
00:43:21,641 --> 00:43:22,934
Is that 422?

1136
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:25,020
No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?

1137
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,564
Nah, that's the pipefitters.

1138
00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:30,191
I don't know
why you're laying brick.

1139
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:31,943
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.

1140
00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:35,488
<i>♪ A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs ♪</i>

1141
00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:37,949
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.

1142
00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:39,743
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward.

1143
00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:41,494
That's a prop.

1144
00:43:44,164 --> 00:43:46,291
So, I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.

1145
00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:47,459
- Me?
- Yes, you.

1146
00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:48,585
I want you to reach into them.

1147
00:43:48,752 --> 00:43:49,753
Every time I take a step,

1148
00:43:49,753 --> 00:43:50,879
give 'em a little crunch,
all right?

1149
00:43:50,879 --> 00:43:52,756
It's like we're in the safari.
Ready?

1150
00:43:53,131 --> 00:43:54,215
Give it a try.

1151
00:43:58,178 --> 00:44:00,055
Early.

1152
00:44:00,221 --> 00:44:02,015
I just got this job.

1153
00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:04,142
Now we're getting it.

1154
00:44:05,602 --> 00:44:08,188
You piece of shit.

1155
00:44:08,188 --> 00:44:10,315
That was nice. Not bad.

1156
00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,697
Caw! Caw!

1157
00:44:17,989 --> 00:44:19,240
Don't shoot me.

1158
00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:23,953
I know that noise.

1159
00:44:25,038 --> 00:44:27,040
That's a monkey
being run over by the C-train.

1160
00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:30,085
My archnemesis.

1161
00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:31,503
Here he comes.

1162
00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,053
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.

1163
00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:42,639
You think?

1164
00:44:43,848 --> 00:44:45,850
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?

1165
00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,060
You're doing great,
Billy.

1166
00:44:47,227 --> 00:44:48,978
-That was weird.
- Yep. We're fucked.

1167
00:45:00,156 --> 00:45:02,992
Excuse me, "ociffer,"
have I done somethin' wrong?

1168
00:45:03,952 --> 00:45:05,787
What do we have here?

1169
00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:08,373
Why, that would be my ass.

1170
00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:13,753
Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.

1171
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,505
Medical grade, baby.

1172
00:45:15,672 --> 00:45:17,799
Floats in the bottle
and then you...

1173
00:45:21,344 --> 00:45:22,345
Checks out.

1174
00:45:22,971 --> 00:45:24,139
Medical grade.

1175
00:45:25,014 --> 00:45:25,849
Uh...

1176
00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:27,642
So, tell me how you fit
into this ensemble.

1177
00:45:27,976 --> 00:45:29,436
Is this an ensemble?

1178
00:45:29,436 --> 00:45:32,856
Uh, no, we have many talented,
talented improvisers...

1179
00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,899
from Chicago and Toronto and...

1180
00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:36,067
And Boston.

1181
00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:38,403
And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.

1182
00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:39,571
You've met my fiancée?

1183
00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:41,197
Missed a little there.

1184
00:45:42,365 --> 00:45:43,491
But to answer your question...

1185
00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:44,617
While I've got you captive.

1186
00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:45,702
They want to shave me.

1187
00:45:45,869 --> 00:45:47,704
Careful. There's no jaw
under that beard,

1188
00:45:47,871 --> 00:45:48,955
just 10 pounds of neck.

1189
00:45:49,122 --> 00:45:50,290
Chevy.

1190
00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:55,003
Jesus Christ, you psycho,
you son of a bitch!

1191
00:45:55,378 --> 00:45:57,088
Shove it up
your fucking ass!

1192
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,758
Hey, hey, hey, stop right now!

1193
00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:04,846
Guys! Goddamn it!
Stop! Stop! Chevy, out!

1194
00:46:05,013 --> 00:46:06,973
- Don't feed coke to the animals!
-Out! Chev!

1195
00:46:08,308 --> 00:46:10,185
Take a seat.

1196
00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:12,770
Yeah.

1197
00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:14,314
You okay, John?

1198
00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:15,523
So, we're throwing things now?

1199
00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:16,858
He started it.

1200
00:46:17,317 --> 00:46:18,526
It's just a shave, John.

1201
00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,195
So, NBC owns my fucking face?

1202
00:46:20,361 --> 00:46:21,404
- No.
- Yeah, a little bit.

1203
00:46:21,571 --> 00:46:23,281
But would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?

1204
00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:24,616
That's a good point.

1205
00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:28,077
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants

1206
00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,245
of character expressionism...

1207
00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:30,788
from Chaplin to Brando.

1208
00:46:30,955 --> 00:46:31,956
Belushi...

1209
00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:33,374
Why hide your gift?

1210
00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:35,001
Beards are for pussies.

1211
00:46:36,419 --> 00:46:37,629
And the bees are bullshit.

1212
00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:38,963
You think I don't know that?
Of course, they are.

1213
00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:40,798
They're stupid,
they're postmodern...

1214
00:46:40,965 --> 00:46:43,301
they're Warhol, they're iconic,
they're <i>Sergeant Pepper.</i>

1215
00:46:43,468 --> 00:46:45,136
-So well said.
-I'm glad you get it.

1216
00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:47,305
John...

1217
00:46:47,472 --> 00:46:48,723
we go live in less than an hour.

1218
00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:50,099
45 minutes.

1219
00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:55,939
I need you
to sign your contract.

1220
00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:05,490
Oh, yeah.

1221
00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:07,784
What?

1222
00:47:07,951 --> 00:47:08,952
What's happening?

1223
00:47:09,369 --> 00:47:10,620
What happened to the music?

1224
00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:13,581
Hey! Why did you stop playing?

1225
00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,083
The speakers went out.

1226
00:47:15,458 --> 00:47:16,459
- All of them?
- All of them.

1227
00:47:16,626 --> 00:47:18,294
What the hell is happening?
What... Dick?

1228
00:47:18,461 --> 00:47:20,338
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...

1229
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:21,506
- Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
- Toscanini!

1230
00:47:21,673 --> 00:47:23,841
Height of audio fidelity!
What can we be doing?

1231
00:47:24,008 --> 00:47:25,343
Yeah,
what can we be doing?

1232
00:47:25,510 --> 00:47:26,719
We got no sound.

1233
00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,722
Idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.

1234
00:47:30,139 --> 00:47:31,432
What do you want to rehearse?

1235
00:47:32,559 --> 00:47:33,393
Uh...

1236
00:47:34,477 --> 00:47:35,562
We could pull up...

1237
00:47:35,562 --> 00:47:36,646
Weekend Update?

1238
00:47:36,646 --> 00:47:38,314
Do you want
to do Weekend Update? Yeah.

1239
00:47:38,314 --> 00:47:40,149
All right, everyone,
we're moving to Weekend Update.

1240
00:47:40,316 --> 00:47:42,652
- Okay, great, great.
- Don, stand by for your intro.

1241
00:47:44,237 --> 00:47:45,989
Here we go. Move it, people.

1242
00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,001
Let's go. Let's go.

1243
00:47:58,501 --> 00:47:59,502
I'm good. Fine.

1244
00:48:03,006 --> 00:48:06,259
From <i>Saturday Night</i> News
headquarters.

1245
00:48:06,426 --> 00:48:08,344
This is Weekend Update...

1246
00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:10,471
with Lorne Michaels.

1247
00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:19,981
Our top story tonight...

1248
00:48:20,148 --> 00:48:21,190
<i>some world news.</i>

1249
00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,568
<i>Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse</i>

1250
00:48:23,568 --> 00:48:24,986
<i>at Disneyland this week.</i>

1251
00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:28,239
<i>The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.</i>

1252
00:48:32,994 --> 00:48:34,078
How was that?

1253
00:48:34,245 --> 00:48:35,330
It was horrible.

1254
00:48:36,289 --> 00:48:37,832
Right. Um...

1255
00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:42,587
And now with a weather report...

1256
00:48:42,754 --> 00:48:45,965
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.

1257
00:48:46,132 --> 00:48:47,759
What's it looking like
out there, John?

1258
00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:49,218
Thank you, Lorne.

1259
00:48:49,218 --> 00:48:50,470
It's often said,

1260
00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:53,681
"March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb."

1261
00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:56,434
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?

1262
00:48:57,018 --> 00:48:58,311
<i>In Norway, for example,</i>

1263
00:48:58,311 --> 00:49:01,230
<i>March comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.</i>

1264
00:49:01,648 --> 00:49:03,608
<i>Or consider
the Republic of South Africa...</i>

1265
00:49:03,775 --> 00:49:05,234
<i>where March comes in like a lion</i>

1266
00:49:05,234 --> 00:49:06,569
<i>and goes out
like a different lion.</i>

1267
00:49:06,736 --> 00:49:08,154
Like one has a mane

1268
00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:10,281
and the other
doesn't have a mane.

1269
00:49:10,448 --> 00:49:13,242
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo...

1270
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:14,911
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.

1271
00:49:15,078 --> 00:49:16,120
Australia.

1272
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,122
<i>Then for a couple of days,
it's sort of a cross between...</i>

1273
00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:20,375
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.

1274
00:49:20,792 --> 00:49:23,211
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo...

1275
00:49:23,378 --> 00:49:25,505
and then it goes out
like a wild dingo!

1276
00:49:25,755 --> 00:49:27,298
No, no,
and it's not Australia!

1277
00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:29,634
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!

1278
00:49:29,801 --> 00:49:30,927
Oh!

1279
00:49:30,927 --> 00:49:32,845
And there are
nine different countries...

1280
00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:34,472
where March comes in like a frog

1281
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:36,349
and goes out
like a golden retriever.

1282
00:49:36,349 --> 00:49:38,142
But that's not the weird part.
No, no, no.

1283
00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:40,478
The weird part is the frog.
The frog.

1284
00:49:40,645 --> 00:49:41,771
The weird part is the...

1285
00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:46,693
Okay.

1286
00:49:47,777 --> 00:49:48,861
John.

1287
00:49:50,238 --> 00:49:51,948
Are you all right? Are you okay?

1288
00:49:52,365 --> 00:49:53,366
I give in.

1289
00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:54,867
That was brilliant.

1290
00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:57,078
Now I need you
to sign your contract.

1291
00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:01,958
- Was that a yes?
- That was a yes.

1292
00:50:02,125 --> 00:50:03,668
- Was that a yes? Okay.
- That was a yes.

1293
00:50:03,835 --> 00:50:05,128
- Neil, can I get the contract?
-Yeah.

1294
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,047
- Okay. Do you have a pen?
-Uh...

1295
00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:09,173
Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,

1296
00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,175
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.

1297
00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:13,219
Burbank?

1298
00:50:13,386 --> 00:50:14,387
Carson.

1299
00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,597
Uh, okay.
Um, Someone get him a pen.

1300
00:50:16,764 --> 00:50:18,182
Don't let him use it as a straw.

1301
00:50:18,182 --> 00:50:21,144
Uh, rehearse something.
Anything.

1302
00:50:21,310 --> 00:50:23,438
All right,
Bee Hospital stage left.

1303
00:50:23,604 --> 00:50:25,148
Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go.

1304
00:50:26,232 --> 00:50:27,859
- Great work, guys.
-Excuse me.

1305
00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:29,986
Hey, Mr. Michaels.

1306
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,237
- Oh, Mr. Henson.
- Hey.

1307
00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:33,531
I'm excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures

1308
00:50:33,531 --> 00:50:34,949
have in store for us tonight.

1309
00:50:34,949 --> 00:50:37,452
Well, Lorne, we don't have
any script pages yet...

1310
00:50:37,452 --> 00:50:40,246
so, the Muppets
are flyin' blind here.

1311
00:50:40,246 --> 00:50:41,664
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.

1312
00:50:41,664 --> 00:50:42,957
Neil, Jim needs his pages.

1313
00:50:42,957 --> 00:50:45,084
Thank you. Thank you.
And please, sorry, Lorne...

1314
00:50:46,002 --> 00:50:48,045
can you please
remind your crew...

1315
00:50:48,212 --> 00:50:51,841
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?

1316
00:50:53,301 --> 00:50:54,802
That doesn't sound like them.

1317
00:50:55,178 --> 00:50:57,263
Well, they left a note.

1318
00:50:58,014 --> 00:50:59,015
They didn't.

1319
00:50:59,182 --> 00:51:00,183
They did.

1320
00:51:00,767 --> 00:51:01,768
It said...

1321
00:51:04,479 --> 00:51:06,647
"Fuck-Rags for rent."

1322
00:51:07,690 --> 00:51:09,066
- Mmm...
- Okay?

1323
00:51:09,233 --> 00:51:10,902
I know what that means, so...

1324
00:51:11,944 --> 00:51:13,613
I'll talk to Michael.
Immediately.

1325
00:51:13,780 --> 00:51:14,864
Thank you.

1326
00:51:17,617 --> 00:51:18,618
All right. Thank you.

1327
00:51:19,535 --> 00:51:20,745
Oh. Hey, Bernie.

1328
00:51:20,745 --> 00:51:22,163
Oh, no, you're good.

1329
00:51:28,044 --> 00:51:29,295
Hello, this is Lorne.

1330
00:51:29,587 --> 00:51:31,923
<i>I was beginning to think
you didn't like me.</i>

1331
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:33,341
Of course not, Mr. Carson.

1332
00:51:33,341 --> 00:51:35,134
You're the voice
of a generation.

1333
00:51:35,301 --> 00:51:37,428
<i>I just wanted
to reach out and say,</i>

1334
00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:38,638
<i>"Good luck tonight."</i>

1335
00:51:38,805 --> 00:51:40,014
Oh, that's very kind.

1336
00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:41,849
<i>And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure...</i>

1337
00:51:42,016 --> 00:51:44,852
<i>we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.</i>

1338
00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:46,020
Right.

1339
00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:47,271
<i>You know how
this all started, don't you?</i>

1340
00:51:47,271 --> 00:51:48,356
Just sign it, John.

1341
00:51:49,232 --> 00:51:50,441
Just sign it, John.

1342
00:51:50,608 --> 00:51:52,151
With a kite and a key, I'm sure.

1343
00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:53,820
<i>Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.</i>

1344
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,530
<i>I'm sure you've heard by now</i>

1345
00:51:55,530 --> 00:51:57,532
<i>that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting...</i>

1346
00:51:57,698 --> 00:52:00,451
<i>and that's why you got
the house to yourself tonight.</i>

1347
00:52:00,451 --> 00:52:01,911
<i>Frankly, it's the only reason</i>

1348
00:52:01,911 --> 00:52:04,664
<i>they ever greenlight
your little talent show.</i>

1349
00:52:05,373 --> 00:52:07,333
<i>Look, these things
always go the same way.</i>

1350
00:52:07,667 --> 00:52:09,919
<i>First, they try to fuck you,
and then they buy you dinner.</i>

1351
00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,255
<i>I'm not opposed
to</i> Saturday Night...

1352
00:52:12,255 --> 00:52:13,673
<i>even if it is
a dumping ground...</i>

1353
00:52:13,673 --> 00:52:14,757
No. No.

1354
00:52:14,757 --> 00:52:16,551
<i>...for the deadbeats
and bagheads.</i>

1355
00:52:16,551 --> 00:52:17,468
Dick, no.

1356
00:52:17,468 --> 00:52:18,386
<i>In the meantime, you get to...</i>

1357
00:52:18,386 --> 00:52:19,720
<i>play dress-up
on national television.</i>

1358
00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:20,847
Don't let him
hold the camera.

1359
00:52:20,847 --> 00:52:21,931
<i>Good for you.</i>

1360
00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,058
<i>So, here's some friendly advice.</i>

1361
00:52:24,892 --> 00:52:26,185
<i>Enjoy your little show...</i>

1362
00:52:26,352 --> 00:52:27,895
<i>but don't get too comfortable.</i>

1363
00:52:28,563 --> 00:52:30,731
<i>You're a benchwarmer,
a stalking horse.</i>

1364
00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:33,651
<i>It's my fucking network.
It's my fucking night.</i>

1365
00:52:34,569 --> 00:52:35,945
<i>No hard feelings, though.</i>

1366
00:52:36,112 --> 00:52:38,114
Fuck the bees
and fuck this show!

1367
00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:39,866
John.
Hey, where are you going?

1368
00:52:40,032 --> 00:52:41,409
I go where I'm kicked!

1369
00:52:41,784 --> 00:52:43,744
<i>Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.</i>

1370
00:52:44,662 --> 00:52:46,163
<i>Send me some samples sometime.</i>

1371
00:52:46,330 --> 00:52:47,790
<i>We're always looking
for a bunch of 'em.</i>

1372
00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:50,918
How'd the call go?

1373
00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:52,420
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.

1374
00:52:52,587 --> 00:52:54,422
- Great.
- Belushi walked.

1375
00:52:54,589 --> 00:52:56,465
- What? He quit?
- No, well, technically...

1376
00:52:56,632 --> 00:52:58,426
he would need a fucking job
to quit! But, yes, he walked.

1377
00:52:58,593 --> 00:53:00,052
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.

1378
00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:01,637
- You take the ninth, okay?
- Uh. Oh...

1379
00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,014
Okay.

1380
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:05,683
Uh, hey,
have you seen John Belushi?

1381
00:53:05,683 --> 00:53:06,767
No.

1382
00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:09,604
There's a reason
they call it master control.

1383
00:53:09,770 --> 00:53:10,771
Sorry, Jim,
have you seen John Belushi?

1384
00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,232
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?

1385
00:53:13,399 --> 00:53:15,818
- Have you seen Belushi?
- I'm not an animal wrangler.

1386
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:17,361
Belushi? Belushi?

1387
00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:18,696
- Belushi?
- Belushi?

1388
00:53:18,863 --> 00:53:20,197
-Belushi?
- Belushi?

1389
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:23,075
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi? John?

1390
00:53:28,331 --> 00:53:29,582
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

1391
00:53:29,582 --> 00:53:31,417
Have you seen
John Belushi anywhere?

1392
00:53:31,584 --> 00:53:34,086
Oh. Yeah, sure. He was
hangin' out with us yesterday.

1393
00:53:34,086 --> 00:53:35,254
Right, Howard?

1394
00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:36,923
No, sorry. I meant
in the last few minutes.

1395
00:53:37,089 --> 00:53:38,257
- Did he...
- Oh, no.

1396
00:53:39,467 --> 00:53:41,177
Well, you seem stressed.
You okay, buddy?

1397
00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:43,262
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You need a hit?

1398
00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,974
Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine.
That's okay.

1399
00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:48,017
Oh.

1400
00:53:48,017 --> 00:53:49,185
I think it'd help.

1401
00:53:50,561 --> 00:53:51,562
That makes sense.

1402
00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:55,274
There we go.

1403
00:53:58,110 --> 00:53:59,820
Oh, look at him.

1404
00:53:59,987 --> 00:54:01,864
Attaboy.

1405
00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:03,824
Good luck on your quest, <i>amigo.</i>

1406
00:54:07,203 --> 00:54:09,080
Have you seen John Belushi?

1407
00:54:09,789 --> 00:54:10,957
Have you guys seen John?

1408
00:54:11,123 --> 00:54:13,626
Neil, who do you think I am?

1409
00:54:14,335 --> 00:54:15,628
Human bumblebee.

1410
00:54:15,795 --> 00:54:17,171
No, man. I am talking about...

1411
00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:20,341
what is my identity on the show?

1412
00:54:20,508 --> 00:54:21,926
Don't ask me that right now.

1413
00:54:22,843 --> 00:54:25,221
I can't answer that right now.
Oh.

1414
00:54:28,975 --> 00:54:31,227
- Oh.
- What the hell are you doing?

1415
00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:36,232
Thank you.

1416
00:54:39,860 --> 00:54:41,112
Has anybody seen John?

1417
00:54:41,278 --> 00:54:43,280
- I'm John.
-I'm John.

1418
00:54:43,447 --> 00:54:44,448
- No. No.
-I'm John.

1419
00:54:44,615 --> 00:54:46,283
-  I'm John.
- No. No.

1420
00:54:46,450 --> 00:54:48,202
- I'm John.
- I'm John.

1421
00:54:48,369 --> 00:54:49,370
Hold this, please.

1422
00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:54,041
One of them is mine.

1423
00:54:54,041 --> 00:54:55,209
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?

1424
00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:56,919
Hey, you're... Kid, why are you
holding your face like that?

1425
00:54:56,919 --> 00:54:58,504
- Why are you shouting?
- Sweetie, are you okay?

1426
00:54:58,504 --> 00:55:01,632
I don't know.
I can hear my own blood.

1427
00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,551
Am I gonna be okay?

1428
00:55:03,718 --> 00:55:05,720
Don't ask her.
She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.

1429
00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:07,346
I know that!

1430
00:55:07,847 --> 00:55:09,640
- Look, should I be worried?
- About Neil?

1431
00:55:09,807 --> 00:55:11,142
No. Fuck Neil. About my act.

1432
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:13,352
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.

1433
00:55:13,519 --> 00:55:15,855
Billy, you're family.

1434
00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:18,274
- Neil...
- Neil...

1435
00:55:21,944 --> 00:55:23,571
<i>This week
on</i> The Rumpus Hour.

1436
00:55:23,738 --> 00:55:25,114
<i>Tony Orlando and Dawn,</i>

1437
00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:27,241
<i>Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers...</i>

1438
00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,869
<i>and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,</i>

1439
00:55:29,869 --> 00:55:31,203
<i>Macho Quatro.</i>

1440
00:55:31,203 --> 00:55:33,748
{\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle?

1441
00:55:33,914 --> 00:55:36,625
Absolutely. Big fan.
I grew up on your work.

1442
00:55:36,792 --> 00:55:38,335
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.

1443
00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:40,588
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?

1444
00:55:41,297 --> 00:55:42,757
Just perfect.

1445
00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:44,633
- You never hear that.
- You certainly don't.

1446
00:55:45,885 --> 00:55:48,596
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.

1447
00:55:48,763 --> 00:55:49,930
Sure, sure. Yeah.

1448
00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:52,141
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.

1449
00:55:52,308 --> 00:55:53,934
Radio, that wonderful invention

1450
00:55:53,934 --> 00:55:55,603
by which I could reach
a million people.

1451
00:55:55,770 --> 00:55:57,521
Who fortunately
couldn't reach me.

1452
00:55:57,688 --> 00:56:01,859
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.

1453
00:56:02,026 --> 00:56:06,322
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.

1454
00:56:06,489 --> 00:56:08,491
Do you ever miss
being Mr. Television?

1455
00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:11,243
What is he talking about?

1456
00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:12,411
Lorne...

1457
00:56:12,578 --> 00:56:14,955
Milton remains
one of the Peacock's

1458
00:56:14,955 --> 00:56:16,582
most colorful feathers.

1459
00:56:16,749 --> 00:56:18,375
- It's quite a feather.
- Of course, of course.

1460
00:56:18,542 --> 00:56:20,586
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.

1461
00:56:21,295 --> 00:56:23,089
Well, we'd be honored.

1462
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,091
I think there's still so many
decisions we'd have to make.

1463
00:56:25,257 --> 00:56:26,383
I'm hearing episode five.

1464
00:56:26,550 --> 00:56:29,637
The boys upstairs love it
and the affiliates ate it up.

1465
00:56:29,804 --> 00:56:30,971
Well,
they're the real boss.

1466
00:56:31,138 --> 00:56:32,932
Right.
Well, it is a late show.

1467
00:56:32,932 --> 00:56:34,350
Are you suited for midnight?

1468
00:56:34,809 --> 00:56:38,312
At 67,
I still feel like a 20-year-old.

1469
00:56:38,479 --> 00:56:40,397
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.

1470
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,066
Your reputation
precedes you.

1471
00:56:42,233 --> 00:56:44,944
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.

1472
00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:49,156
Any sign of Belushi?

1473
00:56:49,782 --> 00:56:50,825
John?

1474
00:56:50,991 --> 00:56:52,409
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?

1475
00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:54,620
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.

1476
00:56:54,787 --> 00:56:55,913
That's strange.
I'll look into it.

1477
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,540
Lorne, I can only imagine...

1478
00:56:57,706 --> 00:56:59,291
what must be running
through your mind.

1479
00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:01,794
The thought,
no matter how improbable...

1480
00:57:01,961 --> 00:57:03,629
that you might
not make it to air.

1481
00:57:03,796 --> 00:57:05,631
- Hadn't even occurred to me.
- Really?

1482
00:57:05,798 --> 00:57:08,843
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.

1483
00:57:09,009 --> 00:57:10,010
None that I know of.

1484
00:57:10,511 --> 00:57:11,512
What the fuck?

1485
00:57:11,679 --> 00:57:12,763
I just heard that...

1486
00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:14,515
your writers were stoned...

1487
00:57:14,682 --> 00:57:16,684
your actors were physically
assaulting each other.

1488
00:57:17,685 --> 00:57:18,769
The sound system was down.

1489
00:57:18,936 --> 00:57:20,062
What the hell
is happening? What...

1490
00:57:20,229 --> 00:57:21,564
And a fire broke out earlier.

1491
00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:27,611
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.

1492
00:57:29,572 --> 00:57:31,782
I'm sure you have it
all under control.

1493
00:57:33,367 --> 00:57:35,161
Minor issues, already addressed.

1494
00:57:35,703 --> 00:57:36,704
That's reassuring.

1495
00:57:36,871 --> 00:57:39,165
This whole conversation
is a soothing shower of relief.

1496
00:57:39,331 --> 00:57:41,000
Hey, good, good. Look.

1497
00:57:41,167 --> 00:57:43,586
If for some reason
you can't lock your script...

1498
00:57:44,587 --> 00:57:47,423
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts...

1499
00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:48,841
rest assured...

1500
00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:52,178
the country will be
happy to watch Johnny Carson.

1501
00:57:53,554 --> 00:57:56,056
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal.

1502
00:57:56,223 --> 00:57:57,892
Worst-case scenario.

1503
00:57:59,143 --> 00:58:00,561
That's not the worst case.

1504
00:58:17,119 --> 00:58:19,163
Fuck me.
That's a lot of cards.

1505
00:58:19,747 --> 00:58:21,874
Yeah. What's the fastest you can
do your set? Top to bottom.

1506
00:58:22,041 --> 00:58:23,209
- Five minutes.
- Yeah, me too.

1507
00:58:23,375 --> 00:58:24,835
- Could you do it in four?
- Probably.

1508
00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:26,003
Yeah, me too.

1509
00:58:27,796 --> 00:58:29,548
So, look,
they're gonna offer us three...

1510
00:58:30,132 --> 00:58:31,717
but we got to draw the line
at four. All right?

1511
00:58:32,468 --> 00:58:34,595
Okay. I want to do the show.

1512
00:58:34,762 --> 00:58:36,555
Yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get jerked around.

1513
00:58:36,722 --> 00:58:37,723
- That's all.
- But we're doing the show?

1514
00:58:37,890 --> 00:58:39,350
Of course, we're doing the show.
We just got to be

1515
00:58:39,350 --> 00:58:40,976
- in this together.
- Okay.

1516
00:58:42,645 --> 00:58:43,771
<i>Neil, sweetie.</i>

1517
00:58:43,938 --> 00:58:45,564
- Is everything okay in there?
-Hello?

1518
00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:47,983
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
Flowers.

1519
00:58:48,150 --> 00:58:49,401
- Candygram.
-What's with the convention?

1520
00:58:49,568 --> 00:58:51,153
Neil, it's your mother.
Open the door!

1521
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,697
Don't say that. He's gonna
believe you if you say that.

1522
00:58:53,864 --> 00:58:56,242
Hey, Neil. Buddy.
You freaking out in there?

1523
00:58:56,408 --> 00:58:58,452
I took a hit
in the departure lounge.

1524
00:58:58,619 --> 00:59:00,246
All right. Whose grass was it?

1525
00:59:00,412 --> 00:59:01,830
One of the horn players.

1526
00:59:01,997 --> 00:59:03,082
Oh, degenerates.

1527
00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:04,917
That's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.

1528
00:59:04,917 --> 00:59:06,627
What you smoked
was a sacred strain from...

1529
00:59:06,627 --> 00:59:08,128
the Isaan plateau in Thailand,
I believe.

1530
00:59:08,128 --> 00:59:09,213
The best plateau.

1531
00:59:09,213 --> 00:59:10,297
Make no mistake about it,

1532
00:59:10,297 --> 00:59:12,007
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant.

1533
00:59:12,007 --> 00:59:14,468
But, listen, we're all a little
freaked out so...

1534
00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,594
-I'm freaked out.
- Why don't you come out...

1535
00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:17,054
and we can check on your face...

1536
00:59:17,054 --> 00:59:18,305
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?

1537
00:59:18,305 --> 00:59:19,932
-Come on, Neil.
- Show us your face, Neil!

1538
00:59:19,932 --> 00:59:21,308
Come on, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

1539
00:59:21,308 --> 00:59:23,185
- Come on.
- Come on out, Neil.

1540
00:59:24,478 --> 00:59:26,230
Oh, God!

1541
00:59:26,897 --> 00:59:28,774
No. I'm just kidding. Look.
You're gonna be fine.

1542
00:59:28,774 --> 00:59:30,109
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.

1543
00:59:30,109 --> 00:59:31,193
You'll be fit as a flea.

1544
00:59:31,193 --> 00:59:33,028
You might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.

1545
00:59:33,028 --> 00:59:34,405
Robert Louis Stevenson
actually did

1546
00:59:34,405 --> 00:59:35,572
some of his best writing
on the nose candy.

1547
00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:37,408
- Oh, Bobby.
- Not a lot of people know that.

1548
00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:38,742
Yeah, he was a big freak...

1549
00:59:38,742 --> 00:59:39,827
- for the Peruvian Lady.
-Hey!

1550
00:59:39,827 --> 00:59:40,911
We need everyone in togas!

1551
00:59:40,911 --> 00:59:42,788
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!

1552
00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:48,335
I'm not in a toga!

1553
01:00:02,474 --> 01:00:05,144
Okay, okay.
But why are we yelling?

1554
01:00:07,730 --> 01:00:10,107
Rocky, there's no way these
kids are gonna hit their marks.

1555
01:00:10,274 --> 01:00:12,943
So you better be wide enough
to catch 'em all. We got that?

1556
01:00:13,110 --> 01:00:15,195
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?

1557
01:00:15,779 --> 01:00:17,489
Oh. Uh...

1558
01:00:17,489 --> 01:00:19,700
She was of two minds...

1559
01:00:23,203 --> 01:00:24,830
What is this? Why are you
cueing up Carson? Who is that?

1560
01:00:25,581 --> 01:00:26,915
I think that's Tony Curtis.

1561
01:00:27,082 --> 01:00:29,335
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?

1562
01:00:29,501 --> 01:00:31,462
Yeah. If anything goes wrong,
we bump to tape.

1563
01:00:31,628 --> 01:00:32,755
- See?
- Right.

1564
01:00:32,921 --> 01:00:34,590
Lorne! Lorne.
We found a lighting director.

1565
01:00:34,923 --> 01:00:35,924
Great. Go get him.

1566
01:00:36,091 --> 01:00:37,634
No, he's lighting
a show right now.

1567
01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:39,011
This will take some massaging.

1568
01:00:39,178 --> 01:00:40,179
We don't have...

1569
01:00:42,097 --> 01:00:43,098
What floor?

1570
01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:46,518
It's down on the sixth floor.
Some variety show.

1571
01:00:46,685 --> 01:00:48,562
- And he knows I'm coming?
- Uh...

1572
01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:52,232
- Say, Lorne. This a bad time?
-Perfect time, Garrett.

1573
01:00:52,399 --> 01:00:53,901
Okay, I've been thinkin'.

1574
01:00:54,068 --> 01:00:56,111
Why did you hire me?

1575
01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:57,321
You were cheap.

1576
01:00:57,321 --> 01:00:58,405
Really?

1577
01:00:58,572 --> 01:01:00,115
I'm being ironical, Garrett.

1578
01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:01,950
The fuck?

1579
01:01:06,205 --> 01:01:07,206
Hey, Garrett.

1580
01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:08,832
What's wrong?

1581
01:01:09,124 --> 01:01:11,293
Nothin'. I'm just...

1582
01:01:12,252 --> 01:01:14,338
Just trying to figure out
exactly what it is

1583
01:01:14,338 --> 01:01:15,547
I am doing here.

1584
01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:16,965
Aw, what do you mean?

1585
01:01:17,383 --> 01:01:18,634
You know...

1586
01:01:18,801 --> 01:01:21,512
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.

1587
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:23,097
Because you're so much older?

1588
01:01:23,263 --> 01:01:24,264
What?

1589
01:01:25,099 --> 01:01:27,267
I went to Juilliard.

1590
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,645
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.

1591
01:01:29,812 --> 01:01:33,399
Man, they got me buzzin' around
here in a goddamn bee suit...

1592
01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:35,442
and wavin' a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.

1593
01:01:35,609 --> 01:01:37,653
These are not my strengths, man.

1594
01:01:37,820 --> 01:01:39,780
I am being under-utilized...

1595
01:01:39,947 --> 01:01:41,073
which makes me ponder...

1596
01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:43,242
what am I doing here?

1597
01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:45,244
You know how many operas
I've done?

1598
01:01:45,619 --> 01:01:47,079
- I have no idea, Garrett.
- Shit...

1599
01:01:47,246 --> 01:01:48,747
while Danny and Laraine
were eatin' Froot Loops...

1600
01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:53,627
I was performing
<i>La Traviata</i> in Italian.

1601
01:01:53,794 --> 01:01:54,795
Ya dig?

1602
01:01:54,962 --> 01:01:57,172
Of course, I dig, Garrett.

1603
01:01:57,923 --> 01:01:58,757
But, uh...

1604
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:02,219
no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.

1605
01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:03,387
Right?

1606
01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:11,186
Where's the <i>Rumpus</i> room?

1607
01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:13,897
<i>♪ Down on the right ♪</i>

1608
01:02:16,692 --> 01:02:18,277
Oh. Whoa. Pardon me.

1609
01:02:26,118 --> 01:02:28,454
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-And three, two...

1610
01:02:36,628 --> 01:02:40,215
And we...
Seven, eight, and blocking!

1611
01:02:41,592 --> 01:02:44,678
Five, six... Uh-oh!

1612
01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,263
Smile!

1613
01:03:31,767 --> 01:03:33,977
Hey! You little fucker.

1614
01:03:34,561 --> 01:03:36,104
Get your head out of your ass.

1615
01:03:36,271 --> 01:03:39,191
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.

1616
01:03:40,108 --> 01:03:41,109
Carl?

1617
01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:42,903
I have a job offer.

1618
01:03:43,487 --> 01:03:45,989
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks, and no weekends.

1619
01:03:47,533 --> 01:03:48,534
How's the pay?

1620
01:03:50,285 --> 01:03:51,537
That's the worst part.

1621
01:03:56,083 --> 01:03:57,084
What the fuck?

1622
01:03:57,251 --> 01:03:58,293
- When do you start?
-Right now.

1623
01:03:58,460 --> 01:04:01,380
Send me a postcard from
the gutter, you little shit.

1624
01:04:13,225 --> 01:04:14,309
Rosie, you seen Jackie?

1625
01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:15,852
No. Sorry.

1626
01:04:16,019 --> 01:04:17,563
Knock, knock.

1627
01:04:18,105 --> 01:04:20,232
- Hi.
- Hi, stud. Can I see?

1628
01:04:20,399 --> 01:04:21,775
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?

1629
01:04:21,942 --> 01:04:23,986
No way. You look so sexy.

1630
01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:26,446
Hey. These can't be
the right size.

1631
01:04:26,613 --> 01:04:28,782
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.

1632
01:04:29,700 --> 01:04:31,118
This feels like
it's a lot of leg.

1633
01:04:31,285 --> 01:04:32,578
You kidding, hot stuff?

1634
01:04:32,744 --> 01:04:33,912
You're gonna melt
every TV in America.

1635
01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:35,038
-Oh, yeah?
- Uh, yeah.

1636
01:04:35,038 --> 01:04:36,748
You know, ma'am, you are dealing

1637
01:04:36,748 --> 01:04:38,083
with a fully-qualified
male strumpet here.

1638
01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,167
Oh. Male?

1639
01:04:39,167 --> 01:04:40,419
I've actually got
a work order...

1640
01:04:40,419 --> 01:04:44,006
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now!

1641
01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:45,591
Hey,
have you guys seen John?

1642
01:04:46,425 --> 01:04:48,885
No, I haven't seen him. Danny?

1643
01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:50,512
- Have you seen John?
- Yeah? John.

1644
01:04:50,679 --> 01:04:53,599
Well, John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.

1645
01:04:54,266 --> 01:04:55,350
What does that mean?

1646
01:04:55,767 --> 01:04:57,853
Oh. Uh, well,
see, boss, you and I,

1647
01:04:57,853 --> 01:04:59,229
if we were
to enter this space...

1648
01:04:59,396 --> 01:05:01,231
we'd be like
15th century peasants

1649
01:05:01,231 --> 01:05:02,357
walking into the Vatican...

1650
01:05:02,357 --> 01:05:04,067
but Belushi's
a whole other animal.

1651
01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:05,986
He's a skeptic and a sinner.

1652
01:05:06,153 --> 01:05:07,613
I'd give O'Houlihans a recce.

1653
01:05:07,988 --> 01:05:09,615
- He's at the bar next door.
-Ah.

1654
01:05:09,948 --> 01:05:12,909
Um, Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.

1655
01:05:13,076 --> 01:05:14,119
Whatever you think.

1656
01:05:14,286 --> 01:05:15,495
It's your name, Rose.

1657
01:05:17,539 --> 01:05:18,665
Has he only gotten that far?

1658
01:05:19,082 --> 01:05:21,418
We'd like to help,
but we're rootin' for the guy.

1659
01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:23,211
Well, at least
your heart's in it.

1660
01:05:23,378 --> 01:05:25,047
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiancée?

1661
01:05:25,213 --> 01:05:26,882
No, I haven't seen shit!

1662
01:05:27,633 --> 01:05:29,551
Ladies, have you seen Jackie?

1663
01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:30,719
-No. Sorry.
-All right, change of plans.

1664
01:05:30,886 --> 01:05:32,179
We're skippin' Ancient Greece

1665
01:05:32,179 --> 01:05:33,972
and we're movin'
into the break room.

1666
01:05:34,139 --> 01:05:35,265
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.

1667
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:36,767
Okay? Right now. Come on.

1668
01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:39,061
I don't want to change.

1669
01:05:39,227 --> 01:05:40,812
Are we good? Is he all right?

1670
01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:42,689
Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean...

1671
01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:44,107
whatever's going on
between you and me

1672
01:05:44,107 --> 01:05:45,817
is the last thing
on his mind right now.

1673
01:05:45,984 --> 01:05:48,028
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?

1674
01:05:48,195 --> 01:05:50,113
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne

1675
01:05:50,113 --> 01:05:51,782
since I had toilet paper tits.

1676
01:05:52,616 --> 01:05:54,242
One day, he just followed me
home from school

1677
01:05:54,242 --> 01:05:56,036
- and I never shook him.
- Pretty sure

1678
01:05:56,036 --> 01:05:57,746
- you can be arrested for that.
-Look out, Rosie!

1679
01:05:57,746 --> 01:05:59,081
Sorry, Moose.

1680
01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:01,208
Anyways, I don't know,

1681
01:06:01,208 --> 01:06:03,877
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14...

1682
01:06:04,044 --> 01:06:05,629
and his mom sold everything...

1683
01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:08,215
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.

1684
01:06:08,382 --> 01:06:09,966
So when I first met him,
I thought...

1685
01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:13,804
he's just a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet...

1686
01:06:14,513 --> 01:06:16,223
like, he wants to be
a part of my family...

1687
01:06:16,390 --> 01:06:18,892
and I'm the kid sister
or something.

1688
01:06:19,643 --> 01:06:21,645
But then, hormones.

1689
01:06:21,812 --> 01:06:23,772
Turns out,
I'm not the kid sister...

1690
01:06:24,272 --> 01:06:27,442
and so we start dating
and I think...

1691
01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,987
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."

1692
01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:33,699
And we get married,
we buy a house.

1693
01:06:33,865 --> 01:06:35,742
I mean, no ring.
I think those are pretty stupid.

1694
01:06:35,909 --> 01:06:38,245
But linens and china.

1695
01:06:39,621 --> 01:06:42,124
And then it turns out...

1696
01:06:42,290 --> 01:06:44,626
I'm not the kid sister
or the wife.

1697
01:06:45,252 --> 01:06:46,253
So who are ya?

1698
01:06:46,712 --> 01:06:48,004
I'm the writer.

1699
01:06:48,171 --> 01:06:50,215
All right,
rehearsal's moments away.

1700
01:06:50,382 --> 01:06:51,717
And who's he?

1701
01:06:51,883 --> 01:06:54,511
We take you now
to Ancient Greece.

1702
01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,012
Not yet, Don.
It's the wrong sketch, buddy.

1703
01:06:56,012 --> 01:06:57,472
Can I get you
behind the lockers?

1704
01:06:57,639 --> 01:06:58,974
Yeah.

1705
01:07:00,434 --> 01:07:01,977
And try sitting like men.

1706
01:07:02,477 --> 01:07:03,478
- Oh, yeah.
-Perfect.

1707
01:07:03,645 --> 01:07:05,856
Okay. Hair and makeup, clear.

1708
01:07:06,148 --> 01:07:07,274
Clearing.

1709
01:07:07,441 --> 01:07:09,109
Please get the fuck out.
Thank you.

1710
01:07:09,276 --> 01:07:11,445
Okay, and action!

1711
01:07:13,238 --> 01:07:16,241
Now that you've mastered
all the technical know-how...

1712
01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:19,578
I think it's time
we work on your sidewalk skills.

1713
01:07:19,745 --> 01:07:20,871
All right.

1714
01:07:21,371 --> 01:07:23,665
Daniel over here
has kindly offered...

1715
01:07:23,832 --> 01:07:26,918
to aid us
in a live demonstration.

1716
01:07:27,085 --> 01:07:28,754
Come on out, Danny.

1717
01:07:29,921 --> 01:07:31,381
Danny, enter.

1718
01:07:35,427 --> 01:07:37,429
No, you got
to take off the robe.

1719
01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,222
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...

1720
01:07:39,222 --> 01:07:41,141
No. You can lose
the robe right now.

1721
01:07:47,355 --> 01:07:48,857
The shorts are too short.

1722
01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:52,694
Now, when
a little piece-a heaven

1723
01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:55,363
- like Danny walks by...
- Now strut.

1724
01:07:56,615 --> 01:07:58,074
- Here's how you make him feel...
- Right.

1725
01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,284
...right at home.

1726
01:08:00,243 --> 01:08:03,163
Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom!

1727
01:08:03,330 --> 01:08:04,915
Show him how to do it, Gilda!

1728
01:08:05,165 --> 01:08:06,291
- Yeah!
-Come on, Jane.

1729
01:08:06,458 --> 01:08:08,210
- Give it to him.
- All right.

1730
01:08:09,377 --> 01:08:10,587
Hey, dreamboat.

1731
01:08:11,129 --> 01:08:13,965
What's the matter? Why don't
you give me a little twirl?

1732
01:08:14,132 --> 01:08:17,135
Show me
what you're workin' with.

1733
01:08:20,597 --> 01:08:21,807
Okay,
give it to him, Laraine.

1734
01:08:26,228 --> 01:08:28,855
Hey, stud muffins, want to
make bouncy bouncy?

1735
01:08:30,273 --> 01:08:31,399
Are we still doing the scene?
Or...

1736
01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:32,526
What are ya talkin' to her for?

1737
01:08:32,526 --> 01:08:33,819
You're talkin' to me,
joy chunks.

1738
01:08:33,819 --> 01:08:35,153
Stay in character, please.

1739
01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:37,072
- Hey.
-Come on, baby.

1740
01:08:37,239 --> 01:08:39,032
Ya dropped somethin'.

1741
01:08:39,032 --> 01:08:40,659
Whoa!

1742
01:08:41,660 --> 01:08:43,161
Well, I guess
I should just pick this up.

1743
01:08:49,125 --> 01:08:50,836
All right, all right. All right.

1744
01:08:51,002 --> 01:08:52,003
They are so cute

1745
01:08:52,003 --> 01:08:53,547
- when they're mad!
- All right, thank you.

1746
01:08:53,547 --> 01:08:54,881
Okay, cut.

1747
01:08:57,384 --> 01:08:59,010
The shorts are too short.
I told ya.

1748
01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:02,556
Here you go.
It was a great scene.

1749
01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:04,057
- Yeah, strumpet.
- Thanks.

1750
01:09:04,224 --> 01:09:05,892
All right,
and we're movin' on.

1751
01:09:05,892 --> 01:09:07,060
Great rehearsal. Here we go.

1752
01:09:07,227 --> 01:09:09,896
We take you now
to Ancient Greece...

1753
01:09:10,063 --> 01:09:11,439
as Alexander the Great...

1754
01:09:11,606 --> 01:09:14,025
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.

1755
01:09:14,192 --> 01:09:15,777
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?

1756
01:09:17,362 --> 01:09:18,405
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?

1757
01:09:21,616 --> 01:09:23,201
Look at that.
My goodness.

1758
01:09:23,368 --> 01:09:24,786
Hey, hon.
They need us in Athens.

1759
01:09:24,953 --> 01:09:26,037
Jesus, who's this guy?

1760
01:09:26,204 --> 01:09:27,706
Chevy, Milton taped
a show here...

1761
01:09:27,873 --> 01:09:30,208
- back in 1956, isn't that neat?
- Ooh!

1762
01:09:30,375 --> 01:09:31,418
She's taken.

1763
01:09:31,585 --> 01:09:33,461
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.

1764
01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:34,838
- Excuse me?
-He's kidding.

1765
01:09:35,005 --> 01:09:36,089
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.

1766
01:09:36,256 --> 01:09:37,257
Oh, that's cute.

1767
01:09:37,424 --> 01:09:38,967
I remember
when you used to do comedy.

1768
01:09:39,134 --> 01:09:40,552
Funny, 'cause I never
heard of you.

1769
01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:42,345
That's probably the Alzheimer's.

1770
01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:44,639
What's the matter,
did you wander off

1771
01:09:44,639 --> 01:09:46,975
onto an actual TV set?

1772
01:09:47,434 --> 01:09:48,560
Hey, darling, you're sitting

1773
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:50,353
in front of the Ghost
of Television Past.

1774
01:09:50,520 --> 01:09:51,521
This old man...

1775
01:09:51,688 --> 01:09:53,481
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.

1776
01:09:55,358 --> 01:09:57,235
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it

1777
01:09:57,235 --> 01:09:59,070
off the back
of your mom's teeth.

1778
01:09:59,237 --> 01:10:00,405
Jesus.

1779
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,241
You're gonna laugh at that?

1780
01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,409
Listen, sweetheart.

1781
01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,369
There's plenty more
where that came from.

1782
01:10:07,829 --> 01:10:08,830
God.

1783
01:10:10,457 --> 01:10:11,291
Oh.

1784
01:10:11,875 --> 01:10:13,293
Do I have your attention?

1785
01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:21,134
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.

1786
01:10:21,134 --> 01:10:22,761
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit?

1787
01:10:22,761 --> 01:10:23,803
Hmm.

1788
01:10:23,803 --> 01:10:25,013
I once held 97%...

1789
01:10:25,180 --> 01:10:27,599
of America's television
viewing audience.

1790
01:10:29,893 --> 01:10:31,478
That's not
what they're gonna remember.

1791
01:10:32,479 --> 01:10:34,689
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television.

1792
01:10:35,649 --> 01:10:37,108
Their Uncle Miltie.

1793
01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,362
Who the fuck are you, kid?

1794
01:10:42,113 --> 01:10:43,198
You're not a star.

1795
01:10:45,075 --> 01:10:47,077
You're barely
in the fucking building.

1796
01:10:50,580 --> 01:10:52,165
You're not even a swingin' dick.

1797
01:10:55,210 --> 01:10:56,795
Call me after he's done crying.

1798
01:10:56,962 --> 01:10:59,339
Are you shitting me?

1799
01:10:59,506 --> 01:11:01,091
Are you shitting me
with this costume?

1800
01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:02,258
Can you make a path?

1801
01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,969
There's an actual comedian
coming through.

1802
01:11:04,135 --> 01:11:05,595
Wow. Look at these columns.

1803
01:11:05,762 --> 01:11:07,347
I feel transported. Oh!

1804
01:11:07,931 --> 01:11:09,641
Hey, George. How can I help?

1805
01:11:10,225 --> 01:11:12,185
So, what is this?

1806
01:11:12,352 --> 01:11:14,896
Why am I dressed like a fuckin'
towel boy from Caesar's?

1807
01:11:15,063 --> 01:11:17,399
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his...

1808
01:11:17,565 --> 01:11:19,025
Ten-year high school reunion.

1809
01:11:19,192 --> 01:11:20,193
- Thank you, Don.
- Exactly.

1810
01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:21,528
So, when Chevy asks
what you've been up to...

1811
01:11:21,695 --> 01:11:22,946
your response is, "You know...

1812
01:11:23,113 --> 01:11:25,615
"mostly conquering
the known universe."

1813
01:11:26,741 --> 01:11:28,493
Right.
And this is for television.

1814
01:11:28,493 --> 01:11:29,995
- Right.
- What's your concern, George?

1815
01:11:30,161 --> 01:11:31,287
My real concern is
why I let my agent

1816
01:11:31,287 --> 01:11:32,372
convince me to do your show.

1817
01:11:32,372 --> 01:11:33,456
Do you need some help
with the script?

1818
01:11:33,623 --> 01:11:35,291
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.

1819
01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,419
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood, no lift off.

1820
01:11:37,419 --> 01:11:38,545
Well, we can rewrite.
I mean, we have...

1821
01:11:38,545 --> 01:11:39,629
Is that right?

1822
01:11:39,629 --> 01:11:40,797
- Jesus Christ.
- Great.

1823
01:11:40,964 --> 01:11:42,507
- We could find...
- No, no, no. George, I hear you.

1824
01:11:42,507 --> 01:11:44,092
-We want to make it work.
- I think I understand

1825
01:11:44,092 --> 01:11:45,927
the reason
you might be struggling.

1826
01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,013
You see, these are scenes.

1827
01:11:48,179 --> 01:11:49,180
Well, sketches.

1828
01:11:49,180 --> 01:11:51,057
- They revolve around acting.
- Michael...

1829
01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:52,225
And that must feel foreign

1830
01:11:52,225 --> 01:11:53,309
when you're
a ponytailed vulture...

1831
01:11:53,309 --> 01:11:55,145
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.

1832
01:12:00,984 --> 01:12:02,736
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.

1833
01:12:06,448 --> 01:12:08,074
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits

1834
01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:09,993
any worse
than they actually are.

1835
01:12:10,452 --> 01:12:13,496
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.

1836
01:12:13,663 --> 01:12:15,832
Enjoy your fucking
little circle jerk.

1837
01:12:15,999 --> 01:12:17,959
- We already are.
-Oh, your mom's here?

1838
01:12:22,047 --> 01:12:23,298
Well, he's in character.

1839
01:12:46,529 --> 01:12:47,530
It's shit.

1840
01:13:04,798 --> 01:13:06,132
Lorne, Lorne.

1841
01:13:06,966 --> 01:13:07,967
Lorne.

1842
01:13:08,635 --> 01:13:09,719
Lorne, great news.

1843
01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:11,888
We figured it out. Ready?

1844
01:13:17,477 --> 01:13:18,478
Ta-da.

1845
01:13:19,187 --> 01:13:21,231
- We cut the toga sketch.
- Oh.

1846
01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,525
Even without Alexander,
we're still 30 over.

1847
01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:25,777
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances?

1848
01:13:25,944 --> 01:13:27,821
Or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.

1849
01:13:27,987 --> 01:13:28,988
Okay.

1850
01:13:36,371 --> 01:13:37,956
What about now?
Are we under now?

1851
01:13:39,124 --> 01:13:40,250
We can make it work.

1852
01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:47,090
Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne.

1853
01:13:47,257 --> 01:13:50,510
Look, I know it's probably
a bad time and all, but, um...

1854
01:13:51,469 --> 01:13:52,470
but Valri and I
have been talking...

1855
01:13:52,470 --> 01:13:53,555
Yeah.

1856
01:13:53,555 --> 01:13:55,640
...and we can't accept anything
less than four minutes a piece.

1857
01:13:55,640 --> 01:13:57,350
So, that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.

1858
01:13:57,517 --> 01:13:58,726
Look, we've just been...

1859
01:13:59,144 --> 01:14:00,603
working too hard on our material

1860
01:14:00,603 --> 01:14:02,230
to accept
anything less so it's...

1861
01:14:02,939 --> 01:14:04,065
four minutes or nothin'.

1862
01:14:04,315 --> 01:14:05,733
Well, I need two minutes.

1863
01:14:06,109 --> 01:14:07,485
You need me
to cut two minutes of my sketch?

1864
01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:08,570
I could do that, Lorne.

1865
01:14:08,570 --> 01:14:10,113
I mean, that's six minutes only,
you know. I can make that...

1866
01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:11,573
No, I need two minutes
of material.

1867
01:14:12,323 --> 01:14:13,408
It's two minutes or nothing.

1868
01:14:13,825 --> 01:14:15,076
Is this for real? 'Cause...

1869
01:14:15,827 --> 01:14:17,579
Okay, I killed at dress, right?

1870
01:14:17,579 --> 01:14:18,997
I'm the only good act
that killed at dress.

1871
01:14:18,997 --> 01:14:20,081
I can do the show, so...

1872
01:14:20,081 --> 01:14:21,374
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?

1873
01:14:21,541 --> 01:14:23,751
- I can't even set it up in two.
- Then I don't know what to say.

1874
01:14:23,918 --> 01:14:25,086
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

1875
01:14:25,545 --> 01:14:26,546
Can you make it in two?

1876
01:14:27,547 --> 01:14:28,882
- Yes.
- Great.

1877
01:14:36,598 --> 01:14:38,016
Lorne, Lorne.

1878
01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:39,767
Uh...

1879
01:14:41,227 --> 01:14:42,228
I was thinking...

1880
01:14:42,937 --> 01:14:44,147
why don't we punt?

1881
01:14:46,149 --> 01:14:48,860
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.

1882
01:14:49,277 --> 01:14:50,361
That's what
you've been thinking?

1883
01:14:50,528 --> 01:14:53,072
Listen, no one wants this show
to succeed more than I do.

1884
01:14:53,239 --> 01:14:54,240
Is that so?

1885
01:14:54,949 --> 01:14:56,993
I mean, yeah,
I hired you, Lorne.

1886
01:14:57,493 --> 01:14:58,912
I take it up the ass
from this network every day...

1887
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,496
because I believe in this show.

1888
01:15:00,663 --> 01:15:02,665
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal...

1889
01:15:02,832 --> 01:15:04,417
and claw back a win
next Saturday.

1890
01:15:04,584 --> 01:15:05,960
It's in everyone's
best interest.

1891
01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:07,212
Mainly yours.

1892
01:15:07,212 --> 01:15:08,588
Sorry. Was that a threat?

1893
01:15:08,755 --> 01:15:10,590
No. What? No.

1894
01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:13,218
Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.

1895
01:15:13,384 --> 01:15:14,552
25 minutes!

1896
01:15:15,887 --> 01:15:17,555
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, Dick.

1897
01:15:17,555 --> 01:15:18,640
It's a live show.

1898
01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:19,724
No one's gonna know
the difference.

1899
01:15:19,724 --> 01:15:21,309
- We just can't.
- Lorne, you need to start

1900
01:15:21,309 --> 01:15:23,311
adjusting your concept of what
you can and cannot do.

1901
01:15:23,311 --> 01:15:24,896
We can't
because there is no tape.

1902
01:15:25,063 --> 01:15:26,773
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.

1903
01:15:27,440 --> 01:15:29,150
So, we don't have
to argue about it.

1904
01:15:30,526 --> 01:15:31,527
You didn't what?

1905
01:15:32,028 --> 01:15:33,029
We just have to make it to air.

1906
01:15:33,196 --> 01:15:35,031
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.

1907
01:15:35,198 --> 01:15:37,659
- I'm used to that.
- Oh, screw you.

1908
01:15:37,825 --> 01:15:40,203
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears?

1909
01:15:40,370 --> 01:15:41,704
Because I'm the wall they hit.

1910
01:15:41,871 --> 01:15:43,665
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.

1911
01:15:43,831 --> 01:15:46,125
I'm sorry you need
a sponsor for a show

1912
01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,835
that can't pull
a single advertiser.

1913
01:15:48,002 --> 01:15:49,754
You know they're giving out
the ads for free?

1914
01:15:49,921 --> 01:15:53,258
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.

1915
01:15:53,258 --> 01:15:54,592
Lorne, they don't even want it.

1916
01:15:54,592 --> 01:15:55,677
That's logical, Dick. That's why

1917
01:15:55,677 --> 01:15:56,886
they're paying us all
to be here.

1918
01:16:00,682 --> 01:16:02,183
They want you to fail.

1919
01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:03,643
They're betting on it.

1920
01:16:03,643 --> 01:16:04,769
Really?

1921
01:16:04,769 --> 01:16:06,020
NBC makes more money

1922
01:16:06,020 --> 01:16:07,981
playing reruns
of <i>The Tonight Show.</i>

1923
01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:10,316
- So, why don't they?
- It's a contract dispute, Lorne.

1924
01:16:10,483 --> 01:16:12,235
I mean, they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson

1925
01:16:12,235 --> 01:16:13,820
that the reruns are inevitable.

1926
01:16:13,987 --> 01:16:17,031
So, they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.

1927
01:16:17,198 --> 01:16:19,242
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television

1928
01:16:19,242 --> 01:16:20,576
by a group of 20-year-olds...

1929
01:16:20,743 --> 01:16:21,911
who've never made anything.

1930
01:16:22,161 --> 01:16:24,539
Do you ever stop and wonder
why they said yes?

1931
01:16:24,706 --> 01:16:27,625
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns...

1932
01:16:27,792 --> 01:16:30,253
with zero narrative
and even less structure?

1933
01:16:30,420 --> 01:16:32,547
Are you that fucking arrogant...

1934
01:16:33,006 --> 01:16:35,091
that you never
even questioned this?

1935
01:16:38,011 --> 01:16:39,554
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen

1936
01:16:39,554 --> 01:16:41,431
at 11:30 tonight? Okay.

1937
01:16:42,015 --> 01:16:43,308
Your actors
will be on their marks.

1938
01:16:43,474 --> 01:16:45,226
Band's tuned up,
all ready to go.

1939
01:16:45,393 --> 01:16:46,853
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown...

1940
01:16:47,020 --> 01:16:48,229
and you'll be
in the control room...

1941
01:16:48,396 --> 01:16:50,690
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you.

1942
01:16:50,857 --> 01:16:52,317
And when
those screens go black...

1943
01:16:52,483 --> 01:16:53,860
he will raise his big-ass,

1944
01:16:53,860 --> 01:16:55,486
jeweled-up index finger
and say...

1945
01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:56,696
"Go to Carson."

1946
01:16:57,071 --> 01:16:58,406
And that will be that.

1947
01:16:59,782 --> 01:17:00,825
You blew it.

1948
01:17:05,288 --> 01:17:07,749
And listen,
I know you all make fun of me...

1949
01:17:07,915 --> 01:17:09,292
and my clothes behind my back.

1950
01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:12,170
But, Lorne, I'm killing myself
for this show.

1951
01:17:14,505 --> 01:17:16,007
Also, Polaroid is cool.

1952
01:17:36,527 --> 01:17:38,654
- Oh, shit! Lorne.
- It worked!

1953
01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:45,453
Nice work, fellas.

1954
01:17:46,704 --> 01:17:48,206
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.

1955
01:17:49,332 --> 01:17:50,333
Sorry about the clothes.

1956
01:17:50,500 --> 01:17:51,793
And your face.

1957
01:17:53,711 --> 01:17:58,132
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.

1958
01:17:59,634 --> 01:18:00,676
Not quite ready for tonight,

1959
01:18:00,676 --> 01:18:02,512
but I'll keep it
on a special list.

1960
01:18:04,305 --> 01:18:06,015
"Special list"?

1961
01:18:19,904 --> 01:18:20,905
Lobby.

1962
01:18:25,326 --> 01:18:26,994
This an okay time?

1963
01:18:28,037 --> 01:18:29,038
Ideal.

1964
01:18:29,372 --> 01:18:30,373
Look...

1965
01:18:32,125 --> 01:18:33,584
I know what people say...

1966
01:18:33,751 --> 01:18:36,629
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.

1967
01:18:37,839 --> 01:18:38,673
But...

1968
01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:41,509
this isn't just kid's stuff.

1969
01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:44,220
I believe, deep in my heart...

1970
01:18:44,387 --> 01:18:47,598
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry...

1971
01:18:47,765 --> 01:18:49,392
on grown-up TV.

1972
01:18:49,642 --> 01:18:52,645
And... I get the sense that...

1973
01:18:52,812 --> 01:18:54,981
some of the writers
on the 17th floor

1974
01:18:54,981 --> 01:18:56,941
don't share that dream.

1975
01:18:59,277 --> 01:19:01,028
You didn't like the pages?

1976
01:19:04,198 --> 01:19:05,616
There were no pages.

1977
01:19:06,451 --> 01:19:08,870
That's fair criticism.

1978
01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:12,290
Free show!

1979
01:19:12,874 --> 01:19:14,000
Free show, sir?

1980
01:19:14,792 --> 01:19:15,793
Free show.

1981
01:19:17,628 --> 01:19:19,714
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.

1982
01:19:20,131 --> 01:19:21,466
The night's still young.

1983
01:19:22,258 --> 01:19:23,342
Hey, man! How's it going?

1984
01:19:29,098 --> 01:19:31,142
Thank you. Long Island.

1985
01:19:31,601 --> 01:19:32,810
Massapequa Park.

1986
01:19:33,269 --> 01:19:34,270
Hello?

1987
01:20:04,967 --> 01:20:06,511
<i>My family had trouble
fittin' in</i>

1988
01:20:06,511 --> 01:20:08,095
<i>when they got to America.</i>

1989
01:20:08,262 --> 01:20:09,722
<i>Even though my great-grandfather</i>

1990
01:20:09,722 --> 01:20:11,974
<i>actually fought
in the Civil War...</i>

1991
01:20:12,308 --> 01:20:14,227
<i>he fought for the West.</i>

1992
01:20:14,227 --> 01:20:16,479
-  Jesus Christ.
-<i>Okay.</i>

1993
01:20:16,646 --> 01:20:18,564
<i>This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.</i>

1994
01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,025
<i>The judge says, "Hey, we brought
you in for drinking."</i>

1995
01:20:21,192 --> 01:20:23,236
<i>And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we havin'?"</i>

1996
01:20:24,946 --> 01:20:28,366
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, fucking bullshit!

1997
01:20:28,533 --> 01:20:29,784
What's happening here?

1998
01:20:30,535 --> 01:20:33,955
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh. Which...

1999
01:20:34,330 --> 01:20:35,998
This putz is taking
bulletproof material

2000
01:20:35,998 --> 01:20:37,083
and filling it with lead.

2001
01:20:37,083 --> 01:20:38,292
You wrote his jokes?

2002
01:20:38,292 --> 01:20:40,419
Yeah. I wrote things
that vaguely resemble

2003
01:20:40,419 --> 01:20:41,754
the things that he's saying.

2004
01:20:42,463 --> 01:20:44,715
Why don't you just
perform them yourself?

2005
01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:47,426
Look at me. This is how much
I sweat off-stage.

2006
01:20:47,802 --> 01:20:49,595
<i>I get home from work
the other night...</i>

2007
01:20:49,971 --> 01:20:52,557
<i>I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.</i>

2008
01:20:52,723 --> 01:20:55,560
<i>I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"</i>

2009
01:20:55,726 --> 01:20:57,436
- Oh, my God.
- How many do you have in here?

2010
01:20:57,603 --> 01:21:00,106
About 1,100.
They're single-spaced.

2011
01:21:00,523 --> 01:21:01,857
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through them?

2012
01:21:02,024 --> 01:21:04,193
<i>- Bring up the next comedian!</i>
- Yeah. Go for it.

2013
01:21:04,360 --> 01:21:05,403
<i>I'm sure
you'll hate him, too.</i>

2014
01:21:09,323 --> 01:21:10,324
Move.

2015
01:21:14,036 --> 01:21:16,372
God. That was fuckin' rough.
Shit crowd.

2016
01:21:16,539 --> 01:21:17,873
Yeah, that was it.

2017
01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:20,543
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?

2018
01:21:20,710 --> 01:21:23,796
Well, I changed the punch line
from 46 to 49...

2019
01:21:23,963 --> 01:21:25,798
for the line about the Buick.

2020
01:21:25,965 --> 01:21:27,091
Much bigger laugh, by the way.

2021
01:21:27,258 --> 01:21:29,510
So, that means
I only owe you $3.50.

2022
01:21:29,677 --> 01:21:30,678
You want a job?

2023
01:21:30,845 --> 01:21:31,971
That would be great.

2024
01:21:32,138 --> 01:21:33,681
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.

2025
01:21:33,848 --> 01:21:35,766
How much do you need to live?

2026
01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:38,144
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job. Match it.

2027
01:21:38,311 --> 01:21:40,021
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.

2028
01:21:40,187 --> 01:21:41,439
He's a deli boy.

2029
01:21:41,606 --> 01:21:44,191
Okay? He's a schmuck
in a little paper hat...

2030
01:21:44,191 --> 01:21:46,861
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.

2031
01:21:46,861 --> 01:21:48,404
And he can
barely do that.

2032
01:21:48,404 --> 01:21:49,697
Tell him what you did
to your finger.

2033
01:21:49,947 --> 01:21:51,532
You're hired. Lorne Michaels.

2034
01:21:51,699 --> 01:21:54,493
- Alan. Zweibel.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

2035
01:21:54,660 --> 01:21:56,037
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.

2036
01:21:56,203 --> 01:21:57,204
Let's go.

2037
01:21:57,371 --> 01:21:58,581
Wait, what? When do we start?

2038
01:21:58,581 --> 01:22:00,916
Um... Jesus Christ.

2039
01:22:02,418 --> 01:22:04,503
You can't...
You better not leave.

2040
01:22:05,004 --> 01:22:06,547
This is not
gonna be good for you.

2041
01:22:06,547 --> 01:22:08,633
I was gonna take you to Reno.

2042
01:22:16,641 --> 01:22:18,017
Look at that form.

2043
01:22:18,684 --> 01:22:19,894
Beautiful.

2044
01:22:31,030 --> 01:22:32,823
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment

2045
01:22:32,823 --> 01:22:34,116
while you're still in it?

2046
01:22:36,494 --> 01:22:38,245
I mean, like...

2047
01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:41,248
You're in the moment,
but you're also...

2048
01:22:41,707 --> 01:22:43,709
looking back on it. Like...

2049
01:22:44,794 --> 01:22:47,463
Right now, I'm here,
but I'm also...

2050
01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:50,675
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.

2051
01:22:50,841 --> 01:22:52,426
We're walking by this ice rink.

2052
01:22:53,511 --> 01:22:54,762
Maybe it's Christmas...

2053
01:22:54,929 --> 01:22:57,973
and our kids are draggin' us
by our pinkies...

2054
01:22:58,432 --> 01:23:01,769
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders...

2055
01:23:02,687 --> 01:23:04,605
and all we can think about
is this moment,

2056
01:23:04,605 --> 01:23:06,691
right before we went on TV.

2057
01:23:14,031 --> 01:23:15,408
You know,
the NBC liability act

2058
01:23:15,408 --> 01:23:16,951
forbids you from ice skating.

2059
01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:19,286
I found John.

2060
01:23:19,453 --> 01:23:20,454
Oh,
excellent work, Gilda.

2061
01:23:20,621 --> 01:23:22,665
Good thing
I didn't sign my contract.

2062
01:23:25,918 --> 01:23:27,128
What's the deal, John?

2063
01:23:29,046 --> 01:23:30,297
You on the show or not?

2064
01:23:35,219 --> 01:23:38,264
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?

2065
01:23:39,140 --> 01:23:41,267
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.

2066
01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:48,023
I want to try a triple axel.

2067
01:23:48,566 --> 01:23:50,192
Now we're talkin'.

2068
01:23:50,359 --> 01:23:51,819
How about a single axel?

2069
01:23:52,236 --> 01:23:53,237
Nah.

2070
01:23:54,113 --> 01:23:56,407
I figure I can either pull off
the triple...

2071
01:23:57,825 --> 01:23:58,909
or die trying.

2072
01:24:00,035 --> 01:24:01,245
Those are the options?

2073
01:24:10,129 --> 01:24:12,757
Okay, John. I... I...

2074
01:24:12,757 --> 01:24:14,300
I support it.

2075
01:24:21,682 --> 01:24:22,683
Oh, God.

2076
01:24:34,862 --> 01:24:36,697
- He's gonna break something.
- Oh, God.

2077
01:24:39,992 --> 01:24:41,076
- Oh, fuck!
- Shit. John!

2078
01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:42,161
John?

2079
01:24:42,578 --> 01:24:43,954
-John!
-Fuck!

2080
01:24:44,121 --> 01:24:45,122
Are you okay?

2081
01:24:49,710 --> 01:24:51,253
You all right? I yield.

2082
01:24:52,588 --> 01:24:54,131
I accept your surrender.

2083
01:24:54,298 --> 01:24:56,675
Do you want me to help you up?

2084
01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:57,843
No.

2085
01:24:58,928 --> 01:25:00,763
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.

2086
01:25:02,431 --> 01:25:04,350
Okay, sure. Yeah.

2087
01:25:05,142 --> 01:25:06,769
We have all the time
in the world.

2088
01:25:12,024 --> 01:25:14,068
Who is that asshole, anyway?

2089
01:25:15,319 --> 01:25:16,695
It's Prometheus.

2090
01:25:17,780 --> 01:25:19,406
He stole fire
from the cauldron of the gods...

2091
01:25:19,573 --> 01:25:22,535
gave it to man, so we could
have science and the arts.

2092
01:25:26,455 --> 01:25:28,040
All right.
I'm gonna head back up.

2093
01:25:29,250 --> 01:25:30,960
We have a show to put on...

2094
01:25:31,126 --> 01:25:33,087
and I'd like to be there
when I get fired.

2095
01:25:34,880 --> 01:25:36,298
I'd hope to see you there,
too, John.

2096
01:25:57,695 --> 01:25:58,737
- Hey!
-Hey.

2097
01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:00,739
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act?

2098
01:26:00,906 --> 01:26:01,907
Thank you.

2099
01:26:09,582 --> 01:26:10,916
What should I say
when I get up there?

2100
01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:12,626
- How should I know?
- You're the writer.

2101
01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:14,211
- You're the talker.
- I'm the talker?

2102
01:26:14,378 --> 01:26:16,422
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.

2103
01:26:17,506 --> 01:26:18,507
That was funny.

2104
01:26:26,515 --> 01:26:27,558
Rose, I won't be offended

2105
01:26:27,558 --> 01:26:29,184
if you don't want to use
my last name.

2106
01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,979
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.

2107
01:26:36,233 --> 01:26:37,276
Whoa!

2108
01:26:37,276 --> 01:26:38,652
Check it out! Full house, right?

2109
01:26:38,819 --> 01:26:39,820
What did you tell them?

2110
01:26:39,987 --> 01:26:41,196
Well, I kind of
had to lie a little bit,

2111
01:26:41,196 --> 01:26:42,281
but the vibes are really good.

2112
01:26:42,448 --> 01:26:43,616
Can we start to let them in?

2113
01:26:43,616 --> 01:26:45,618
- Uh... Almost.
- All right.

2114
01:26:45,784 --> 01:26:47,369
Five minutes, guys.
10 minutes tops.

2115
01:26:47,369 --> 01:26:48,829
Let's keep these vibes going!

2116
01:26:55,169 --> 01:26:56,670
- Adequate?
- Adequate.

2117
01:27:00,674 --> 01:27:03,052
- Can you imagine being first up?
- Opening the show and all.

2118
01:27:03,218 --> 01:27:04,219
Millions of people
trying to decide...

2119
01:27:04,386 --> 01:27:06,555
How they want to spend
their Saturday night.

2120
01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:08,807
What's the first thing they see?
No logo, no intro.

2121
01:27:08,807 --> 01:27:10,267
Nope. Just a close up
of your pretty face.

2122
01:27:10,267 --> 01:27:11,644
- Nah.
- Nah. Who gives a fuck, right?

2123
01:27:11,644 --> 01:27:12,728
Yeah. It's just
a bunch of animals

2124
01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:13,812
watching their lava lamps.

2125
01:27:13,812 --> 01:27:14,897
You're gonna do great.

2126
01:27:14,897 --> 01:27:15,981
-Yeah.
- Fuck off.

2127
01:27:15,981 --> 01:27:17,191
-We're pullin' for you.
-Break a leg!

2128
01:27:20,152 --> 01:27:22,488
You the writer
Lorne found in a bar?

2129
01:27:23,238 --> 01:27:24,698
That's a slightly romantic read
of the story,

2130
01:27:24,698 --> 01:27:25,866
but, yeah, I guess so.

2131
01:27:26,033 --> 01:27:28,410
All right. Well, jump on in.
Water's warm.

2132
01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:29,578
Okay.

2133
01:27:29,745 --> 01:27:31,288
Okay. Quiet, please!

2134
01:27:31,455 --> 01:27:34,291
Work stops now.
We're holding for a sound check.

2135
01:27:34,458 --> 01:27:35,459
Who wants to do the sound check?

2136
01:27:35,626 --> 01:27:37,586
Garrett! Don't you know a song?

2137
01:27:38,712 --> 01:27:39,546
Hmm?

2138
01:27:43,759 --> 01:27:45,511
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2139
01:27:48,222 --> 01:27:53,227
<i>♪ I'm ♪</i>

2140
01:27:53,394 --> 01:27:55,646
<i>♪ Gonna ♪</i>

2141
01:27:56,230 --> 01:27:59,400
<i>♪ Get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2142
01:27:59,775 --> 01:28:03,487
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2143
01:28:03,654 --> 01:28:05,572
<i>♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪</i>

2144
01:28:05,739 --> 01:28:09,410
<i>♪ Then Whitey
He won't bother me ♪</i>

2145
01:28:10,536 --> 01:28:13,914
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2146
01:28:14,081 --> 01:28:17,251
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2147
01:28:18,377 --> 01:28:21,880
<i>♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2148
01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,008
<i>♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪</i>

2149
01:28:24,174 --> 01:28:27,928
<i>♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪</i>

2150
01:28:28,095 --> 01:28:30,472
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪</i>

2151
01:28:30,639 --> 01:28:32,433
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪</i>

2152
01:28:32,599 --> 01:28:35,644
<i>♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪</i>

2153
01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:39,815
Bravo! Garrett!

2154
01:28:40,274 --> 01:28:42,359
- That was fantastic.
-Thank you.

2155
01:28:42,985 --> 01:28:43,986
Thank you.

2156
01:28:44,862 --> 01:28:45,863
That was perfect.

2157
01:28:45,863 --> 01:28:47,406
- You have an incredible voice.
-You're still not

2158
01:28:47,406 --> 01:28:49,450
- gonna give me no lines.
- It was beautiful.

2159
01:28:51,285 --> 01:28:54,163
Uh, gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?

2160
01:28:54,621 --> 01:28:55,748
Long enough.

2161
01:28:55,914 --> 01:28:57,041
Lorne, we need
to let the audience in.

2162
01:28:57,499 --> 01:28:58,542
No, you don't.

2163
01:29:01,503 --> 01:29:04,006
Perhaps you kids aren't
quite ready for prime time.

2164
01:29:04,173 --> 01:29:05,507
What are you talking about?

2165
01:29:05,841 --> 01:29:07,009
Look around, Lorne.

2166
01:29:07,801 --> 01:29:09,344
You haven't locked a script.

2167
01:29:09,928 --> 01:29:10,929
Your actors are missing.

2168
01:29:11,096 --> 01:29:12,431
Your crew is...

2169
01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:14,308
in open rebellion.

2170
01:29:18,729 --> 01:29:20,647
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.

2171
01:29:22,107 --> 01:29:24,193
Burbank? Excuse me?
This is New York fucking City.

2172
01:29:24,359 --> 01:29:25,360
Who's she?

2173
01:29:25,527 --> 01:29:26,653
- She... It's...
- It's... I...

2174
01:29:26,820 --> 01:29:29,364
It's complicated.
We have a hell of a show.

2175
01:29:29,531 --> 01:29:30,908
We have two bands.

2176
01:29:31,075 --> 01:29:33,118
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.

2177
01:29:33,285 --> 01:29:34,703
You even know where they are?

2178
01:29:34,870 --> 01:29:36,288
Most of them. Yes.

2179
01:29:36,914 --> 01:29:39,541
Maybe we'll just try again
next Saturday.

2180
01:29:39,708 --> 01:29:41,251
No. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Come on. No.

2181
01:29:41,418 --> 01:29:43,670
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves...

2182
01:29:43,837 --> 01:29:45,172
- to make something special.
- I know.

2183
01:29:45,339 --> 01:29:46,673
To make something innovative
and actually good...

2184
01:29:46,840 --> 01:29:48,133
- for a change.
-"For a change"?

2185
01:29:48,300 --> 01:29:49,676
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long...

2186
01:29:49,843 --> 01:29:52,721
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness...

2187
01:29:52,888 --> 01:29:54,640
when it's right
in front of your face.

2188
01:29:56,225 --> 01:29:59,019
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.

2189
01:30:09,071 --> 01:30:10,572
It's an all-nighter in the city.

2190
01:30:12,157 --> 01:30:15,077
It's catching Richard Pryor
at a drop-in...

2191
01:30:15,244 --> 01:30:18,622
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.

2192
01:30:18,789 --> 01:30:20,999
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega...

2193
01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,127
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.

2194
01:30:24,211 --> 01:30:25,629
It's everything you think
is going to happen

2195
01:30:25,629 --> 01:30:27,589
when you move to the city.
That's our show.

2196
01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:29,383
That's <i>Saturday Night.</i>

2197
01:30:29,550 --> 01:30:30,551
Show me.

2198
01:30:31,009 --> 01:30:32,010
Show you what?

2199
01:30:32,177 --> 01:30:33,595
Show me <i>Saturday Night.</i>

2200
01:30:33,595 --> 01:30:34,763
We go live
in less than 10 minutes.

2201
01:30:34,763 --> 01:30:35,848
10 minutes!

2202
01:30:35,848 --> 01:30:37,307
No, you don't!

2203
01:30:39,810 --> 01:30:40,936
Show me.

2204
01:30:53,157 --> 01:30:57,119
<i>♪ Mr. Trouble
Never hangs around ♪</i>

2205
01:30:57,286 --> 01:31:01,498
<i>♪ When he hears
This Mighty sound ♪</i>

2206
01:31:01,665 --> 01:31:04,710
<i>♪ Here I come to save the day ♪</i>

2207
01:31:04,877 --> 01:31:08,714
<i>♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪</i>

2208
01:31:09,131 --> 01:31:12,676
<i>♪ So, though we are
In danger, we never despair ♪</i>

2209
01:31:12,843 --> 01:31:14,553
<i>♪ 'Cause we know
That where there's danger ♪</i>

2210
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:16,555
<i>- ♪ He is there ♪
- ♪ He is there ♪</i>

2211
01:31:16,722 --> 01:31:17,723
<i>♪ On the land ♪</i>

2212
01:31:17,890 --> 01:31:20,976
<i>♪ On the sea, in the air ♪</i>

2213
01:31:21,143 --> 01:31:24,813
<i>♪ We're not worrying at all ♪</i>

2214
01:31:24,980 --> 01:31:28,525
<i>♪ We're just listening
For his call ♪</i>

2215
01:31:28,942 --> 01:31:32,237
<i>♪ Here I come to save the day ♪</i>

2216
01:31:32,696 --> 01:31:35,782
<i>♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪</i>

2217
01:31:42,414 --> 01:31:44,875
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.

2218
01:31:47,211 --> 01:31:48,420
Pull up Weekend Update.

2219
01:31:48,587 --> 01:31:51,006
We're movin'
to Weekend Update, let's go!

2220
01:31:51,506 --> 01:31:52,841
- Hey.
- You take it.

2221
01:31:53,467 --> 01:31:54,927
- What do you mean?
- The show needs a face.

2222
01:31:55,093 --> 01:31:56,094
Are you sure?

2223
01:31:56,470 --> 01:31:58,472
You were born for this.
Trust me.

2224
01:31:59,264 --> 01:32:00,766
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?

2225
01:32:00,933 --> 01:32:02,976
Use Chevy Chase.
No one will believe it.

2226
01:32:05,812 --> 01:32:07,898
Hey, remember this. When you...

2227
01:32:08,065 --> 01:32:09,441
look into the lens...

2228
01:32:09,608 --> 01:32:11,693
you're making eye contact
with America.

2229
01:32:12,986 --> 01:32:14,446
And now...

2230
01:32:14,613 --> 01:32:17,366
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

2231
01:32:25,082 --> 01:32:26,083
Hey, doll.

2232
01:32:26,583 --> 01:32:27,584
What are you wearing?

2233
01:32:29,044 --> 01:32:30,671
Is that why I hear purring?

2234
01:32:32,005 --> 01:32:33,382
What do you got for me?

2235
01:32:33,548 --> 01:32:34,549
It's my favorite.

2236
01:32:36,969 --> 01:32:37,970
Okay, great.

2237
01:32:40,055 --> 01:32:41,056
Good...

2238
01:32:41,223 --> 01:32:42,933
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.

2239
01:32:43,267 --> 01:32:44,351
The Post Office
announced today...

2240
01:32:44,518 --> 01:32:47,062
that it's going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution...

2241
01:32:47,229 --> 01:32:48,438
in the United States.

2242
01:32:48,605 --> 01:32:49,606
It's a 10-cent stamp...

2243
01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,817
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.

2244
01:32:56,738 --> 01:32:58,699
All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime!

2245
01:33:00,784 --> 01:33:01,785
Open the doors!

2246
01:33:01,952 --> 01:33:02,953
Oh, thank God.

2247
01:33:03,954 --> 01:33:06,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.

2248
01:33:08,709 --> 01:33:11,044
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.

2249
01:33:11,753 --> 01:33:12,754
<i>Yeah!</i>

2250
01:33:16,383 --> 01:33:18,677
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin' ♪</i>

2251
01:33:20,053 --> 01:33:21,430
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪</i>

2252
01:33:21,722 --> 01:33:22,973
Lorne, remember Carl?

2253
01:33:23,140 --> 01:33:25,600
Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever
used one of these before?

2254
01:33:25,767 --> 01:33:26,852
Not-a once.

2255
01:33:27,019 --> 01:33:28,395
You'll pick it up in no time.

2256
01:33:29,229 --> 01:33:30,689
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪</i>

2257
01:33:31,064 --> 01:33:32,316
<i>♪ If you wanna be with me ♪</i>

2258
01:33:39,781 --> 01:33:41,450
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!

2259
01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:43,910
<i>♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your hero ♪</i>

2260
01:33:45,245 --> 01:33:48,790
<i>♪ 'Cause that zero
Is too cold for me, ha ♪</i>

2261
01:33:51,084 --> 01:33:52,836
<i>♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your highness ♪</i>

2262
01:33:53,086 --> 01:33:54,296
Heard you needed pages.

2263
01:33:55,047 --> 01:33:56,256
Oh, thanks, Mike.

2264
01:34:01,887 --> 01:34:02,888
Oh, no.

2265
01:34:07,559 --> 01:34:09,728
Dick, question.
What is a "golden shower"?

2266
01:34:10,437 --> 01:34:13,190
- Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual...
- Mmm...

2267
01:34:13,357 --> 01:34:14,441
...in which practitioners...

2268
01:34:14,608 --> 01:34:18,320
greet the new day by allowing
the golden rays of sun to...

2269
01:34:18,320 --> 01:34:19,738
- Shower.
- Over their skin

2270
01:34:19,738 --> 01:34:20,822
- and warm their chakras.
- Mmm.

2271
01:34:20,822 --> 01:34:22,407
- It's a California thing.
- Mmm.

2272
01:34:22,407 --> 01:34:24,242
I've had at least
50 golden showers.

2273
01:34:24,701 --> 01:34:25,744
You heard him, Joan.

2274
01:34:25,744 --> 01:34:27,162
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.

2275
01:34:32,626 --> 01:34:34,795
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin'
Leaves nothin' ♪</i>

2276
01:34:36,463 --> 01:34:39,341
<i>♪ You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me ♪</i>

2277
01:34:41,885 --> 01:34:44,596
<i>♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪</i>

2278
01:34:45,305 --> 01:34:47,432
<i>♪ That I'm a soldier
On the war on poverty ♪</i>

2279
01:34:48,100 --> 01:34:50,477
Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.

2280
01:34:50,644 --> 01:34:52,646
- Wallie, you son of a bitch!
- Hey, you asked.

2281
01:34:52,813 --> 01:34:54,773
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?

2282
01:34:55,690 --> 01:34:56,775
Yes, you do.

2283
01:34:57,275 --> 01:34:59,277
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...

2284
01:34:59,277 --> 01:35:00,362
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

2285
01:35:01,154 --> 01:35:02,239
Are you having a stroke?

2286
01:35:02,239 --> 01:35:03,698
You need more coke?

2287
01:35:05,200 --> 01:35:06,201
Danny!

2288
01:35:14,918 --> 01:35:16,753
Hurry up. Come on, faster.

2289
01:35:17,546 --> 01:35:18,547
Watch your fingers.

2290
01:35:26,680 --> 01:35:28,140
Oh, boy. Lockjaw!

2291
01:35:28,682 --> 01:35:29,808
It's too much cocaine,

2292
01:35:29,808 --> 01:35:31,101
it's seizing up
the old mandibulars.

2293
01:35:31,101 --> 01:35:32,936
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?

2294
01:35:33,103 --> 01:35:34,938
Yep. Just a little bit of this,
you'll be fine.

2295
01:35:35,105 --> 01:35:36,273
- Okay, great.
- There we go.

2296
01:35:38,233 --> 01:35:39,317
<i>Hey!</i>

2297
01:35:46,450 --> 01:35:47,659
<i>Here we go!</i>

2298
01:35:48,410 --> 01:35:49,578
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪</i>

2299
01:35:51,621 --> 01:35:53,707
<i>♪ Nothin' from nothin
Hey, now ♪</i>

2300
01:35:55,709 --> 01:35:56,877
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

2301
01:35:56,877 --> 01:35:58,587
<i>♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

2302
01:35:58,587 --> 01:35:59,880
Can you get in that wig
in 30 seconds?

2303
01:35:59,880 --> 01:36:01,548
-You got it, boss.
- Has Henson got his pages?

2304
01:36:01,548 --> 01:36:02,632
He loves them.

2305
01:36:02,632 --> 01:36:04,092
- And will that crane get there?
- It'll happen.

2306
01:36:04,092 --> 01:36:06,178
- Did you trim the fat on that?
- Already on cue cards.

2307
01:36:06,595 --> 01:36:08,472
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...

2308
01:36:11,808 --> 01:36:13,018
Whoa.

2309
01:36:13,018 --> 01:36:14,227
I stand corrected.

2310
01:36:14,436 --> 01:36:15,645
Is that our show?

2311
01:36:16,188 --> 01:36:18,190
- That's our show.
-Three minutes!

2312
01:36:18,565 --> 01:36:19,566
Yeah.

2313
01:36:22,777 --> 01:36:23,778
Last one.

2314
01:36:23,945 --> 01:36:26,823
- Last one. Get it in. Finally!
- Yes! Come on!

2315
01:36:31,286 --> 01:36:34,748
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston!</i>

2316
01:37:00,315 --> 01:37:02,984
Photo! Photo! I want a photo!
Come on, family photo!

2317
01:37:02,984 --> 01:37:04,778
No, no, no. We're at
two minutes. There's no time!

2318
01:37:04,778 --> 01:37:06,363
No, come on.
It'll never be the same

2319
01:37:06,363 --> 01:37:07,948
- after this. Come on.
-Fuck!

2320
01:37:07,948 --> 01:37:10,450
I'm not leaving until I get
my photo. Come on.

2321
01:37:10,617 --> 01:37:12,327
I guess everybody go ahead then.

2322
01:37:13,537 --> 01:37:14,913
Do we have a camera?

2323
01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:17,832
- I have a camera.
-Just quickly.

2324
01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:19,376
Great. Yes! Come here.

2325
01:37:27,926 --> 01:37:30,136
All right. 60 seconds.
Come on, everyone.

2326
01:37:30,303 --> 01:37:32,222
- Let's go, please.
-After you, after you.

2327
01:37:32,222 --> 01:37:33,431
One minute.
Let's go to work.

2328
01:37:39,271 --> 01:37:40,772
What are we using him for again?

2329
01:37:40,939 --> 01:37:42,816
-I don't really remember.
-Sorry.

2330
01:37:43,692 --> 01:37:44,693
Thanks.

2331
01:37:44,859 --> 01:37:47,237
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Rocky, wake up.

2332
01:37:47,487 --> 01:37:48,655
Hey, hey, name.

2333
01:37:50,657 --> 01:37:52,617
Rosie, we need your last name
for the credits.

2334
01:37:53,618 --> 01:37:54,869
- Shuster.
- Shuster.

2335
01:38:00,333 --> 01:38:02,043
30 seconds!

2336
01:38:02,210 --> 01:38:04,087
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?

2337
01:38:05,672 --> 01:38:07,424
<i>One, two...</i>

2338
01:38:08,300 --> 01:38:09,301
<i>three.</i>

2339
01:38:09,467 --> 01:38:10,885
Somebody's got the yips.

2340
01:38:11,052 --> 01:38:12,470
-<i>20 seconds.</i>
-Is Carlin in costume?

2341
01:38:12,762 --> 01:38:14,514
Yep, they settled
on a T-shirt and jacket.

2342
01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,474
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?

2343
01:38:16,641 --> 01:38:17,684
<i>One, two, fuck you.</i>

2344
01:38:17,851 --> 01:38:18,852
Subtle.

2345
01:38:19,019 --> 01:38:20,228
Carson's still cued
for dead roll?

2346
01:38:20,395 --> 01:38:21,646
Are we going live
or going to tape?

2347
01:38:26,526 --> 01:38:28,320
Pre-roll on VTR-14.

2348
01:38:29,654 --> 01:38:30,655
<i>10 seconds.</i>

2349
01:38:32,741 --> 01:38:33,908
Ready camera two.

2350
01:38:34,367 --> 01:38:35,452
Ready on the fade.

2351
01:38:35,785 --> 01:38:36,953
{\an8}<i>Five, four...</i>

2352
01:38:37,120 --> 01:38:38,705
Are we going live
or going to tape?

2353
01:38:38,705 --> 01:38:40,123
<i>...three, two...</i>

2354
01:38:41,708 --> 01:38:42,709
Go live.

2355
01:38:42,876 --> 01:38:44,294
- Okay, go live.
- Go live. Live, live. Go live.

2356
01:38:44,461 --> 01:38:47,047
Fade up.
And we are live.

2357
01:38:52,510 --> 01:38:54,095
Ready camera one.
Take camera one.

2358
01:38:54,262 --> 01:38:55,263
Cue Belushi.

2359
01:38:58,308 --> 01:38:59,351
Cue John.

2360
01:38:59,517 --> 01:39:01,102
- Where's John?
-Where the hell is he?

2361
01:39:01,269 --> 01:39:02,520
Cue John.

2362
01:39:37,681 --> 01:39:38,682
Good evening.

2363
01:39:38,848 --> 01:39:39,849
Good evening.

2364
01:39:40,392 --> 01:39:41,726
Hey, get closer.

2365
01:39:44,229 --> 01:39:46,231
Good evening.

2366
01:39:47,607 --> 01:39:49,901
Good evening.

2367
01:39:51,695 --> 01:39:53,780
Good evening.

2368
01:39:55,490 --> 01:39:56,616
Let us begin.

2369
01:39:57,200 --> 01:39:59,244
Repeat after me.

2370
01:40:01,413 --> 01:40:03,415
-"I would like...
- I would like...

2371
01:40:04,416 --> 01:40:05,792
"...to feed your fingertips...

2372
01:40:05,959 --> 01:40:08,044
...to feed
your fingertips...

2373
01:40:09,379 --> 01:40:10,422
"...to the wolverines."

2374
01:40:10,588 --> 01:40:12,048
...to the wolverines.

2375
01:40:13,508 --> 01:40:16,636
-Next, "I am afraid...
- I am afraid...

2376
01:40:17,178 --> 01:40:18,179
"...we are out...

2377
01:40:18,346 --> 01:40:19,347
...we are out...

2378
01:40:19,931 --> 01:40:21,808
-"...of badgers."
- ...of badgers.

2379
01:40:23,393 --> 01:40:24,477
"Would you accept...

2380
01:40:25,103 --> 01:40:26,354
Would you accept...

2381
01:40:26,521 --> 01:40:28,398
-"...a wolverine...
- ...a wolverine...

2382
01:40:29,524 --> 01:40:31,526
-"...in its place?"
- ...in its place?

2383
01:40:33,903 --> 01:40:36,030
Next.
"'Hey!' Ned exclaimed."

2384
01:40:36,531 --> 01:40:37,907
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.

2385
01:40:41,202 --> 01:40:42,245
"Let's boil...

2386
01:40:42,412 --> 01:40:43,872
Let's boil...

2387
01:40:44,038 --> 01:40:46,499
-"...the wolverines."
- ...the wolverines.

2388
01:40:47,959 --> 01:40:49,502
Next...

2389
01:41:19,574 --> 01:41:22,327
Live from New York.
It's <i>Saturday Night!</i>

2390
01:48:55,279 --> 01:48:56,614
{\an8}<i>Ah!</i>

2391
01:48:56,614 --> 01:48:57,907
{\an8}<i>All right, we're going
to do it again.</i>

2392
01:48:58,074 --> 01:49:00,576
{\an8}<i>Now we got it. Now we got it.
Go back. Go back.</i>