♪ ♪
(lights buzzing softly)
(TV playing quietly)
- (sighs) - (watch ticking)
Another glass of...
...rosé?
No. The hour is long past.
Check.
Check!
(traffic rumbling in distance)
♪ ♪
The case, Santos.
My case. Stand back!
Do not advance!
The case, Santos.
Halt! Evildoer.
The case, Santos.
Not on your life, waiter.
(gasps)
- (lid clatters) - (cat yowls)
(tires squealing)
SANTOS: Oh, God.
(car door closes)
(gasps, screams)
(choking)
(groaning)
(gasps, yells)
(gurgles, spits)
(Santos gasps, yells)
(muffled groaning)
Go.
- (tires squealing) - (screaming)
♪ ♪
(screaming continues)
(gasping, moaning)
- Oh, Jamie! - (phone ringing)
SUKIE (recorded): Neither Sukie nor Jamie are here right now.
Leave a message.
- (beeps) - MARIAN (on phone): Hey, Jamie.
- Are you there? - (Carla gasping)
MARIAN: Just wondering, are you and Sukie
- going to shot night tonight? - CARLA: Oh, my God!
MARIAN: I don't want to be stuck there not knowing anyone.
Maybe Carla's going.
Do you know if Carla's going?
Are you going?
(grunting)
MARIAN: Anyway, call me if you would.
Come on, back to mama.
MARIAN: Hope you and Sukie are doing well.
Miss you, friend. It's Marian.
Hey. Marian.
Hi, Bart.
Say, what are you doing tomorrow night?
There's a Phish concert.
What?
Phish concert.
Great jam band, at the Civic Center.
Yeah, oh, I...
P-H.
I know how to spell Phish.
Y-Yeah, of course. I didn't mean to...
- Y-You know, I just meant... - Sorry, I have an engagement.
Okay. Bummer. (chuckles)
Didn't mean to, you know...
That's fine.
Anyhoo, what about...
Please don't use that expression.
- What expression? -"Anyhoo."
(laughs): It's not an expression.
What is it?
A word.
Please don't use that word.
Okay. You-you free Wednesday?
Plus, it's not even a word. Not really.
Okay, sure. Free for dinner Wednesday?
There's a new place near me, Montana's.
It's very good.
Yeah, the food is trendy, but it's super gourmet.
No, I have an engagement Wednesday.
Okay. Huh. Wednesday, too.
People don't usually call them "engagements."
Do I tell you how to speak?
Yes.
The fact remains.
The engagement.
That's right.
- (siren wailing in distance) - (panting)
- (Carla moans) - (grunts)
(gasping, shuddering)
(giggles)
(moaning)
(phone ringing)
Oh, my.
Oh, my God. Oh!
My God!
(breathing heavily)
(phone continues ringing)
(grunting)
SUKIE (recorded): Neither Sukie nor Jamie are here right now.
- Leave a message. - (machine beeps)
JAMIE: Jesus, Marian, don't call me during sex.
Yes, I am going tonight.
SUKIE: During sex?
(Carla moaning, panting)
- Hi, Sukie. - SUKIE: Wow.
(busy signal)
- Who? Here? - SUKIE: Yes, there.
Oh, no one's here, babe.
- I was just masturbating. - SUKIE: Uh-huh.
Me... me time.
(Carla yells, pants)
Let me turn the video down.
- (electrical buzzing) - (cat meows)
- (dance music playing) - (lively chatter)
CARLA: No.
- MARIAN: What? - No.
No what, Carla?
You're not wearing that.
- I just came from work. - I came from Toledo.
I don't dress like it.
- Is Jamie here? - Okay, look.
Keep the coat on. Take the shirt off underneath.
And flaunt my breasts?
I'm not here to peddle my wares.
Why else would you be here?
To socialize.
- (feedback squeals) - DJ: Hello, girls.
(cheering)
All I hear lately is "Y2K, Y2K."
But Jamie Dobbs is here to say...
Why not 2K?
(cheering)
New millennium, bring it on.
(cheering)
Oh, yeah. It's the last body shot competition of 1999
here at Sugar 'n Spice,
and Jamie is last month's winner,
so we are gonna salt you up.
(cheering)
Show us where the first lick goes, babe.
(sighs) So, first lick...
Here.
(cheering)
God, look at that slut.
Oh. Hi, Sukie.
SUKIE: Don't put that woman
in front of a crowd with a microphone.
- JAMIE: And then second lick... - Well, she likes to entertain.
WOMAN: Ooh! Take it off! Take it off!
(cheering, excited shouting)
Here.
(cheering)
And then she gets this reinforcement.
- JAMIE: And then third lick... - Do you know who she's fucking?
I don't know that she's seeing anyone.
She's seeing you, of course.
WOMAN: Can I have your shirt?
Here.
(cheering)
She's a free spirit.
- I admire her. - (scoffs)
Free. Yeah, that's the problem.
Put a meter on her pussy, we could all retire!
That's not fair, Sukie.
And a lime wedge... right here!
(cheering)
Pull that out!
That is not a public receptacle!
- Somebody's gonna get hit. - JAMIE: Oh. Hi, Sukie.
- (punch lands, body thuds) - (crowd gasping)
JAMIE: I've had it with love.
I know bards and troubadours are high on it,
but I don't believe it's relevant to the modern
20th-- soon-to-be 21st-- century lesbian.
Here are some carrots. Those peas are thawed.
- This right here is what it gets you. - Mm-hmm.
So I've hatched a plan, my friend.
If you'll come help me
move my shit out of Sukie's tomorrow...
I'm not getting in the middle of that.
I have my own problems.
What problems?
Internal.
- Internal? - Yes.
I don't know how else to put it.
Problems with what I feel internally.
How can you have internal problems?
You got your ass all bricked up.
I'm not certain, honey darling, that you have ever
reached deep inside any orifice to scoop out your soul
and fling it shamelessly at a fellow human being
and humiliate yourself and grovel and weep
and feel your ego completely disintegrate,
otherwise known as the glory of love.
Please don't eat those peas.
Now, my plan is: you come help me pack,
- and then we two... - I can't. I'm leaving town.
What? I am, too. That was my plan.
Where are you going?
Tallahassee, Florida.
Why would anybody go to Tallahassee, Florida?
My Aunt Ellis lives there.
Can't she move?
Tallahassee is very nice.
It's not glitzy and gross like Miami.
It has live oak and Spanish moss.
Me and Aunt Ellis go to the St. Marks Wildlife Preserve.
There's good birding.
Birding?
How have I missed out on this?
It's very pleasant.
So you just came up with this wild hair in your ass to bird.
I've been unhappy,
and I'm starting to snap at people at work,
and it's not fair to them.
I'm only impatient with myself.
Well, we can fix that.
We'll have you running right in no time.
That's why we take this trip together, honey babe.
We get our shit together, together.
See, I was gonna take some time off,
get a drive-away, just go potluck anywhere.
Now you can come with me,
and we can go to Tallahassee and bird.
What's a drive-away?
Free one-way rental.
You deliver the car to wherever some client
of the drive-away company wants it,
if they got one going near your destination.
I don't know if you'll like Aunt Ellis.
Are you kidding? A birder?
I'll wear my great big old straw hat,
and she is going to L-O-V-E love me.
You know how parents and such love me.
They think I got charisma.
"Oh, Marian, who's your loquacious friend?
"I just love that chatty little girl.
Isn't she something?"
I'm not sure.
Don't go finding a problem here.
This is going to be F-U-N-N fun, girl.
Just come help me move my stuff out of Sukie's tomorrow.
Don't worry, she's not even gonna be there.
SUKIE: Oh, God!
- (sobbing): Take it! Oh, God! - (power drill whirring)
Sukie, don't. What are you doing?
- I don't want it anymore. - (dog barking)
(hushed): You said she wouldn't be here.
Sukie, I'm just taking my own stuff.
That was a gift.
I wanted you to have it.
I don't want it if we're not going to both use it!
Sukie, it's your wall dildo.
No, no, no, no.
And take Alice, too.
I never liked her.
And she won't stop barking!
How can I take the dog, Sukie? I don't have a home.
Remember, you kicked me out?
(continues sobbing)
Take Alice. Take the wall dildo.
It's your dildo, Susanne.
(Alice barks, growls)
Curlie's Drive-Away,
Pennsylvania's most trusted name in car delivery.
Curlie speaking.
MAN (on phone): Okay, it's going to Tallahassee.
Uh-huh. Tallahassee, Florida.
Yeah, you have something to write this down?
Yes, I'm writing it down. - To 14 Tinywick Road.
Right. - Tallahassee.
Sure. - You got it?
- Right. Got it. - Can you help us?
And it's got to be there by end of day tomorrow.
By tomorrow. - No later.
Uh-huh. - Okay.
Okay. - Over and out.
Can you help us? We need a drive-away.
$250 deposit and a reference.
A reference?
Somebody local I can break his balls
if you don't show up where you're supposed to.
His balls.
Can the reference be a woman? We don't know a lot of men.
No kidding.
- Where do you want to go? - Tallahassee.
Tallahassee?
What's wrong with Tallahassee? It's very nice.
There's Spanish moss and live oak.
I think Curlie here...
Don't call me Curlie.
Isn't your name Curlie?
My name is Curlie.
We just met. It's too familiar.
Have you ever been to Tallahassee?
No, I got good sense.
- Your car is a Dodge Aries. - Oh.
Okay. Is that a good car?
Not really.
You sell those shirts?
JAMIE: There's also a place here in Wilmington--
fantastic dyke bar, the Butter Churn.
And this place, Levi's Barbecue in Charleston.
Memphis-style barbecue, really good.
Everyone goes to Charlie Vergos',
- but it's just... - Jamie.
It's a straight shot to Tallahassee.
Down and across.
Right here's the world's largest Dixie cup
outside of Mitchell, Georgia.
MARIAN: Direct route, down and across.
We don't need to see the world's largest Dixie cup.
We don't need to enjoy life, but as long as we're here...
The world's largest Dixie cup is not life.
It's a straight shot on the interstate, down and across.
The interstate is not life.
It is, more than the world's largest Dixie cup.
You're the one that wanted to go birding. That's nature.
What's a dyke bar? That's not nature?
Even a Dixie cup, you could make an argument.
He said it was a rush job.
We're supposed to have the car there tomorrow.
Tomorrow can wait a day.
We could even go to Miami.
Bikinis and high heels.
(engine revs, tires squeal)
A medical doctor?
Or a reverend?
Yeah, no, we don't have a discount for men of God, no.
No, not for medical doctors, either.
Make up your mind-- which are you?
It doesn't matter. We have no discounts.
Our everyday low prices are already rock bottom.
Thank you for calling Curlie's.
Welcome to Curlie's Drive-Away.
Well, we're here.
Okay. Who are you?
- The car. - The car?
The Dodge Aries.
The Dodge Aries?
What are you, a mynah bird?
I'm Curlie.
I understand that.
You're not the Dodge.
What do you mean, we're not the Dodge?
♪ ♪
(doors open and close)
(engine starts, tires squeal)
What's the big deal? The car isn't ours.
But it's art, and the car is ours till Tallahassee.
And once we get to Tallahassee, it stops being art and starts being vandalism.
Fuckety-fuck's sake, Marian, it'll come off with a little
- soap and water. - It won't.
- Won't what? - Come off with soap and water.
- Well, how do you know? - I tried.
Marian, it's art.
Stop saying it's art.
That doesn't end all discussion.
We're gonna be driving through
some conservative towns-- the South.
- The Bible Belt. - Mm, don't I know it.
Honey, I grew up where the Bible Belt
meets the ass crack of the Pecos River.
Fort Worth is nowhere near the "Pay-cos" River.
That's "Peck-us," honey darling.
And the car art is just a part of my larger undertaking.
My project.
What's your project?
Loosening you up so we can get you laid, sugar sweet.
How long's it been?
Weeks?
Months?
Oh, my God, Marian.
Don't tell me it's been years.
H-How many years? Who was it?
You've had sex since what's-her-name, haven't you?
Donna.
Yeah, Donna.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Donna?
(sighs) She work for Al Gore now?
Nader.
That's right. She just looks like Al Gore.
CURLIE: Wait a minute.
You said people of yours would come in for it.
Yes, I did.
You call with a drop-off in Tallahassee,
and then these broads come in
and say they're ready to go to Tallahassee.
You gave them the car.
You don't know who they were?
CURLIE: I told you their names.
Their names, yes, but...
This place is a dump.
They drive the car instead of you.
Is that bad?
Bad if they find the goods.
This place is a pigsty. Why don't you get a girl in?
CURLIE: I like clutter.
They didn't have a cellular phone?
Sterile doesn't work for me.
He asked you a question, dick-yank.
- Dick-yank? - CHIEF: Flint.
I'm a dick-yank?
Don't antagonize.
It's like talking to a bucket of wet cement.
You wouldn't know wet cement if it bit you in the ass.
And you would?
So, there's no way to get in contact with them?
(footsteps approaching)
Not per se.
"Per se"?!
They left a local number.
Everybody's got to leave a local number.
Someone whose balls I can break.
(grunts)
(groaning)
Now you've gone and done it.
(grunting)
Susanne Shinkleman, 2431 North Garnet.
- (thumping) - (grunting and groaning)
You better hope your friends deliver that car.
Tomorrow.
(grunting and groaning continue)
(sighs) This is great.
This is so slutty. I love this.
- Hope they have postcards. - Uh, Jamie?
All right, let's put on our war paint.
The Butter Churn awaits.
Jamie, I think I'd prefer to...
No. No, don't even.
You come with me.
I'll show you how this is done.
(chatter in foreign language, audience laughter over TV)
(door opens, closes)
Hiya. Do you know where the Butter Churn is?
It's a dyke bar.
Or do you have, like, a Time Out Wilmington?
I mean, is there one with, uh, gay/lesbian listings?
You wouldn't have one, but do you know
if there's a newsstand or a lesbian bookstore?
You know, Sapphic Wonders, something like that?
Hello?
(engine idling)
- (engine shuts off) - (muffled music playing inside)
JAMIE: Confidence.
You got to show that you're comfortable with the physical.
This isn't like meeting somebody at a NOW convention,
where you talk about dismantling the patriarchy.
Jamie, I have done this before.
It's just like this.
One message.
You dig the female body.
Your body.
You're like this.
Not like this.
"Let's dismantle the patriarchy."
I have done this before.
I am not a schoolmarm.
You fuck people that work for Ralph Nader.
- Not only. - Only in the last four years.
Three years.
(hushed): And four months and 14 days.
("Peanut Butter" by The Liverbirds playing)
♪ Peanut, peanut butter ♪
Okay.
♪ Yeah, it tasted real good, but it stuck to my teeth... ♪
You feeling your body?
Very much so.
Okay.
Who looks good to you?
♪ Peanut, peanut butter... ♪
They all look fine.
Fine?
Like, "You'll do"?
"Please, please come home with me, baby.
"You seem totally okay.
Are there any other mediocre ones like you at home?"
I didn't say they all looked mediocre.
I said they all looked fine.
Yeah, but not in the sense of "super fine."
In the sense of "fine, whatever."
Why are you jousting with me?
I'm not jousting.
I'm asking which of these women
you want to throw up against the wall
and fuck like there's no tomorrow.
Look, Jamie, I'm not a "throw up against the wall
and fuck the daylights out of" kind of person.
Stop trying to make me something I'm not.
I'm just trying to get you laid, sugar sweet.
They sense it,
whether you want to fuck them
or you think they're just fine.
I have to be me.
It has to be done with authenticity.
- You mean with authority. - I mean with authenticity.
Authenticity gets you somebody that works for Ralph Nader.
You don't know what our life was like.
You know nothing about its worth.
Then why didn't the two of you move
to Santa Fe and synchronize your menstrual cycles?
That didn't happen.
That's why you're here in a dyke bar
looking for cheap, sleazy sex.
No, I'm not.
This is not me.
You're right. I can't do this.
No, Marian.
I'm sorry, honey girl. I-I'm saying you can do this.
You can do this.
You can be cheap. I promise, honey girl.
Your best self.
Jamie, I know you're well-intentioned,
but this really isn't right for me.
You should stay and enjoy your night on the town.
♪ Yeah, come on, open up that jar... ♪
"On the town"?
♪ Put it on that cracker ♪
- ♪ Peanut, peanut butter ♪ - ♪ Tastes real fine... ♪
- (footsteps) - JAMIE (outside): Here we go.
- Right here. Look. - (woman laughing)
- Hold it. Better. - (key jingling)
- Great. Turn. - (doorknob jiggling)
(laughing)
Oh.
Hello.
Good evening.
I'm Amber.
Marian.
What you reading?
Europeans by Henry James.
Wow. Thick one.
Hello, Marian.
Hello.
So, is this gonna be a threesome?
No.
No, no.
- No. - Oh. Okay.
(chuckling): Rats.
(smacks lips)
Well...
I'll just...
- (patting) - (chuckling)
(upbeat music playing over TV)
(wheezing softly)
♪ ♪
(thunder crashes)
♪ ♪
(thunder crashes)
♪ ♪
("Eau d'Bedroom Dancing" by Le Tigre playing)
How was it?
Bouncy.
How's your book?
Good.
It's about two free spirits
who visit a repressed family in New England.
Uh, hello. They are all repressed in New England.
That is why we are going the other way.
Although there was this one chick
I screwed once from New Hampshire.
Uh, she got her tongue so far in me,
I swore it was gonna wriggle out my asshole.
No, I'm not kidding.
They say that there's advanced yoga people
in India supposedly who can do that.
Black belts in cunnilingus.
They can even cunniling themselves.
They got pictures of it in, like, medical texts.
You got to ask the librarian.
They don't keep 'em in the stacks.
Who wrote your book?
Henry James...
American writer.
Famous family. His brother, too.
Rick?
No, I'm kidding.
I know who Henry James is.
White and uptight.
They had us read Portrait of a Lady in school.
Boy, that was a great read.
Like somebody dragging day-old spaghetti across my tits.
(chuckles) That's a very apt simile.
- His prose is labyrinthine. - Yeah.
Put me off the whole book thing.
Henry James is, in fact, the reason that I don't read.
- Uh-huh. - Except road signs.
Uh-huh, yeah. I don't think you should've brought someone back to the room.
Okay.
I knew this was coming.
How do you think I felt?
You told me to have a night on the town.
Yeah, people say things. It's not always what they feel.
Yeah, well, I'm from Texas. We don't read minds.
We operate on a handshake basis.
- What does that mean? -"Hiya. How you doing?
"How much for that Cadillac car?
How would you like to have oral sex?" Texas!
- Okay. - Where you from, girl?
- Not Texas. - I know that.
- Well, then why'd you ask? - I...
♪ You teach me ♪
I don't know. I'm...
♪ You teach me ♪
♪ You ♪
Sorry.
♪ Teach me ♪
♪ You teach me... ♪
No. I'm sorry.
Why are you sorry?
You're good. I'm a little...
No, I'm a big baby sometimes.
- Uncle Gino's! - (tires squeal, horn honks)
You are not going to believe this.
See over there?
UNG soccer team.
MARIAN: Uh-huh.
I was in line next to Doreen, the captain.
MARIAN: Uh-huh.
JAMIE: They're very committed lesbians,
and they're on their way to Marietta, Georgia,
which is practically on our way.
Not exactly.
We were supposed to deliver the car today.
Should we look at the map, see how long...
JAMIE: Forget the map. After today's game,
these girls are gonna have a basement party.
And guess who's invited.
I'm sure you are.
Nuh-uh.
Us.
You see?
Shit happens when you eat at Uncle Gino's.
- Goal! Goal! - (laughter)
♪ ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello?
MAN (over phone): Well, here I am, my thumb up my ass.
- They didn't. - No.
That's all right. We've got a plan B.
Another way to get them back?
- Yes, sir. - (Curlie groaning)
- I'm not gonna wait forever. - Yes, sir.
I understand that, sir.
You do understand?
- You got my word on it. - Your word.
- Let me just... (sighs) - (click, dial tone)
(whispers): No-show.
("Long Long Time" by Linda Ronstadt playing)
♪ And I think I'm gonna miss you ♪
♪ For a long, long time ♪
♪ 'Cause I've done ♪
♪ Everything I know ♪
♪ To try and make you mine ♪
♪ And I think I'm gonna love you ♪
♪ For a long ♪
♪ Long time. ♪
(song ends)
(blows whistle)
Rotate right.
("Blue Bayou" by Linda Ronstadt playing)
♪ I feel so bad ♪
♪ I've got a worried mind ♪
♪ I'm so lonesome all the time... ♪
Um... (clears throat)
Ca-Can we, um...
See, actually, we're just friends.
♪ Baby behind on Blue Bayou ♪
♪ Saving nickels, saving dimes ♪
Come on, Marian.
♪ Working till the sun don't shine ♪
(pats lap)
It's no big deal.
♪ Looking forward to happier times ♪
♪ On Blue Bayou ♪
♪ I'm going back someday ♪
♪ Come what may ♪
♪ To Blue Bayou ♪
♪ Where the folks are fun ♪
♪ And the world is mine ♪
♪ On Blue Bayou... ♪
(grunting)
- Susanne Shinkleman? - Susanne Shinkleman.
Who the fuck are you?
Since when do women curse like that?
(screams, grunts)
You know Jamie Dobbs?
- Do you know Jamie Dobbs? - You guttersnipe.
Should've known it was about that cunt!
- (groaning) - And Marian Pallavi?
You-you shouldn't do that.
He can't fight back. He can't hit a girl.
He's old-school.
We just want to locate your friends.
They inadvertently took something that belongs to us.
- We don't want to hurt them. - They're not my friends.
Hurt 'em as much as you want.
Okay.
It would be helpful if you had a picture.
Picture? Yeah.
- (barks, growls) - Got a picture of one of 'em.
- (barking, panting) - (groaning)
If you find 'em, give it to her.
Okay.
Will do.
♪ Where those fishing boats ♪
♪ With their sails afloat ♪
♪ If I could only see... ♪
If you bring someone back, just...
I'll take my book to the office.
♪ How happy I'd be... ♪
(crying): I still have a couple of chapters left.
Marian.
(song fades)
We don't yet know exactly where they are,
but we do know who they are.
We've got a picture of one of the girls. We're all set to...
MAN (over phone): Oh, who gives a shit who they are?
I want the package.
We will find and deliver the package.
Under control. - I am unhappy.
I understand that you are unhappy, sir.
Damn right I am.
I've got my two best men on the...
(click, dial tone)
All right.
Get some coffee.
You two are gonna be driving all night.
♪ ♪
(siren whoops)
(quiet police radio chatter)
Where you headed, miss?
Home.
And where's that?
Some motel. I don't know.
You don't know?
I can't remember the name.
A motel on the highway.
And where you coming from?
A house.
Whose house?
I don't know.
It was a slumber party.
Little old for slumber parties, aren't you, miss?
(sighs) Look, mister...
("Never Nowhere" by Longstocking playing)
You know what?
I'm gonna drop you off at home.
Aw.
(siren whooping)
♪ You know it's true, you know it... ♪
(lock clicks)
(door opens)
("Blue Bayou" by Linda Ronstadt playing)
♪ Gonna see my baby again ♪
♪ Gonna be with some of my friends ♪
♪ Maybe I'll feel better again ♪
♪ On Blue Bayou ♪
♪ Saving nickels, saving dimes ♪
♪ Working till the sun don't shine ♪
♪ Looking forward to happier times ♪
♪ On Blue Bayou ♪
♪ I'm going back someday ♪
♪ Come what may ♪
♪ To Blue Bayou ♪
♪ Where the folk... ♪
(crickets chirping)
♪ ♪
(distorted laughing)
(distorted, indistinct chatter)
♪ ♪
WOMAN (distorted): Hey, handsome.
(distorted chatter continues)
(echoing): Hey, handsome.
Want to get plastered?
(projector rattling)
GOON: I'll drive when it's my turn.
- At the end of three hours. - (snorts)
I have no sympathy for you, my friend.
You could've just asked her, and you'd be fine right now.
- (snorting) - I just asked. She answered.
But you cannot relate to the public,
which, in a service profession, is a big fucking handicap.
- (snorting) - And that sound
is beginning to get irritating.
Well, your lectures are getting irritating.
I don't lecture, my friend. That's my point.
I take people in. I react.
I read people to get what I want.
You, though, you think life is this
orderly series of people to beat the shit out of.
(chuckling): Well, real life is not like that.
You only see it that way because you're not nourished
by human contact, the human give-and-take, so forth.
Uh-uh. "Me want, me take."
That's what you're comfortable with.
- Yeah, yeah. - Caveman shit.
You don't engage the whole person.
Well, you did a great job helping me engage
that very agile harpy.
(chuckles) Didn't have to.
No need whatsoever for the physical approach,
which you couldn't see because you don't savor
the stuff of life.
I'm not a sissy boy, if that's what you mean.
- Kiss my ass. I... - (cell phone ringing)
- Hello? - CHIEF: Okay, we're on track.
Marian Pallavi was picked up for vagrancy
last night in Marietta, Georgi.
- Just north of Atlanta. - On it.
Georgia.
Thank you.
For what?
Just picking me up.
Am I not gonna pick you up?
Hard not to.
"Ma'am, your friend here is in the hoosegow. Care to come get her?"
I'll come get you all day, every day.
I will not let a friend of mine rot in prison
longer than is absolutely necessary.
And so I say thank you.
Course, you ain't told me how you come to be in prison,
and I've been careful not to ask,
but damn, Marian,
landing yourself in prison is a very hopeful sign for you.
I think it was jail, not prison.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Uh, you ain't told me how you come to be in jail.
It wasn't hell-raising.
Sorry to disappoint.
A policeman didn't like my tone.
Oh.
You copped some attitude.
I don't have attitude.
Marian, if I may,
there are certain things in life
which you got to sense and understand
in order to live life,
and one of the things that you got to understand is, uh...
well, all these funny little creatures
that you probably noticed walking around on two legs,
we call 'em human beings.
Got to understand what makes 'em tick.
And your whole social situation,
you got to understand what that is.
Uh-huh.
You know what that means?
"Social situation"?
I know what "social situation" means.
Okay, good.
So, the whole thing with a cop is--
and you should remember this for future reference--
when you're in a social situation with a cop,
there ain't no social situation.
There's a "keep your fucking mouth shut" situation.
There's a "yes, sir" situation is what there is.
Believe me, honey doll, I've been dating a cop
for two years now, and...
I ain't talking through my vulva here.
Thank you. I understand.
But if authority is being abused,
- there's an obligation to... - Holy shit.
Florida.
Lesbian...
don't let the sun go down on you here.
(electrical buzzing)
(tire pops loudly)
(screaming)
(horns honking)
- (Marian groans) - (screaming stops)
(horn honking)
(both breathe deeply)
BOTH: You okay?
Spare tire.
♪ ♪
What?
Something burning?
Jamie, it's cold.
Don't touch it.
I saw this movie once where
they come across this box, the people in the movie,
and they opened the box,
and it was, like, really, really bad.
Head!
(screaming)
(laughter)
No, I'm kidding.
It was a minor traffic accident.
Fast stop.
His, uh, face hit the wheel.
Looking at a pretty girl, weren't you, Flint?
(laughter)
No more looking at pretty girls for you, right?
(laughter)
That's right.
So, are they, like, wanted or something?
Oh, no, no. No, they're not in trouble at all.
Just drove off with something we need.
Didn't even know they had it.
So, what were you all doing here last night?
- Just making out. - (light laughter)
(chuckling): Oh, yeah?
With who?
(laughter)
No kiss-and-tell, huh?
(laughs)
Anyway, we need to find those girls to get our...
sample case back.
And when we heard Doreen here paid Marian's fine, we thought,
well, you girls might know where they're headed.
How did you know about its being Doreen's check?
We have contacts in law enforcement.
No, no.
We should just call the cops.
We will, Jamie.
First, we should see what's in here.
Why? I don't want to look.
- Why do I have to look? - Jamie, listen.
Whoever sliced that head off knows who we are.
This might tell us who they are,
so we won't be at a disadvantage.
The police can find out, and the police can protect us.
Protect us?
They're not the Secret Service, and we're not Chelsea Clinton.
What do we lose by looking?
Look.
I just want to know what's going on.
This might tell us.
I bet it's locked.
(latch clicks)
♪ ♪
- We got to call the cops. - Why?
That was awful.
You just said not to call the cops.
In ignorance.
No, what you said was true.
The cops could think you're involved.
You just spent the night in jail.
For vagrancy.
We wouldn't have anything to do with... that.
Okay, honey, cool your jets.
Here's what we do.
First, we get to Tallahassee.
ALL (laughing): Bye!
How about next time, you let me do all the talking?
Sure, gassing is what you're good at.
Well it sure as hell ain't what you're good at.
I'm not a suck-up or a salesman.
Uh-huh. You think you would've gotten
the address where they're headed?
I don't think so, Mr. Sunshine.
Okay, we've got some hard driving to do.
- (car doors close) - ALL: Bye!
(gentle piano music playing)
Welcome to El Conquistador.
Yeah, hiya. Do you have a room for two right away?
Uh, we do have one available. Yes. How many nights?
Well, tonight, and then we'll play it by ear.
You take the Rainbow Card?
Uh, I'm sure we do.
Yes, actually, that's just a, uh, Visa specialty card.
Yeah, but they give a percentage of each purchase
to gay, lesbian, bi, transgender charities.
You do that, right?
Well, the issuer would be the one to take care of that.
Do you have a super reinforced safe
for sensitive materials?
We do have in-room safes
for any valuables that you may have.
This place is lesbian-friendly, right?
Uh, yes. Uh, well, sure.
We're friendly to anyone who wants to stay.
Do you have ice?
("I Love You" by Asie Payton playing)
♪ I've been waitin' on you, girl... ♪
This is it?
They said Farm Road 80.
What's the matter?
Afraid of the stuff of life?
♪ Lovin' another guy ♪
♪ Ooh, babe ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Ooh, babe ♪
♪ I love you... ♪
Is this, um... Slappy's?
That's right.
Have you seen two, um, nonlocal women come in here?
That's one of them.
I was sittin' here listening
to Junior Kimbrough a couple years back.
One girl come in here, appear to be to me a half local.
I don't recollect two come in here any time recent.
Now, that's true.
Love will bite your ass.
♪ Ooh, babe ♪
♪ I love you. ♪
JAMIE: Oh, I can send Sukie.
But why would these people just be waiting there
in the drive-away office?
Well, clearly, this was not
your garden-variety decapitation.
This was some kind of a...
Well, I don't know what it was,
but they know we have their stuff.
Yeah?
Look, Marian, they can't find us.
Maybe they're waiting for us to find them.
That's the only place we'd know to call.
But why would we get in touch with them?
Sell it back, shake 'em down.
Which, incidentally, is not such a bad idea.
Jamie.
Look, I didn't invent extortion.
But, Jamie, why would Susanne help us?
She hates you.
Oh, she's had two days to cool off.
Get the fuck back in that lockup.
Officer Kracik said I could speak to my attorney.
Attorney? Are you a college boy?
Officer Kracik said I could speak to my lawyer.
Officer Kracik ain't running booking.
I'm running booking, jackass.
- He said... - You want me to walk over there
and kick your number-running ass
back into the Delaware fucking River?
Who's running booking?
- You are. - Who is?
- You are. - No fucking shit!
- MAN: Shink! - Yeah.
Telephone.
Sergeant Shinkleman.
Hey. It's me.
Oh, what a lovely surprise.
Sukie, come on, now. Let's be friends. I...
Did the two creeps find you? - What?
The two weirdos looking for you.
I tried to be helpful.
Uh, but who were they? - How should I know?
Bill collectors, herpes patients.
Two more people you fucked over somehow.
- George and Lennie. - George and Lennie?
Of Mice and Men. Have you read any books?
Books, maybe not, but, sweetie,
I'm gonna help you break a big murder case.
-"Break a big murder case"? - (indistinct radio chatter)
JAMIE: Just go over to Curlie's Drive-Away.
Curlie's Drive-Away? - Yeah.
- And you ask Curlie about... - (radio warbling)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Turn that down!
Ask him about the what in the attaché case?
You should see what they got locked up in that thing.
(chuckles) Jamie, that is about
the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and I'm a cop.
Why would I make it up? Just go to Curlie's Drive-Away.
I guarantee you someone's there.
You guarantee? I'm supposed to believe you?
Fine. You know what? If no one's there,
I'll take Alice.
Really? Swear?
Yes, I swear. I pussy-promise. I will take the dog.
You'll never have to deal with her again.
CHIEF (over phone): A juke joint where?
Wetumpka, Alabama.
Well, outside of Wetumpka.
They hadn't been there,
but a very personable music lover
told us of another juke joint
- fairly close by called... - You see?
Stop!
Called Ike's.
Maybe he said "Mike's."
Maybe he said "Mike."
Uh, "Mike" or... But whatever.
I think the soccer team was just confused
about which joint these girls were going to,
so we're gonna drive...
Stop saying words.
One of the girls finally used a credit card.
They arrived in Tallahassee
and checked into a hotel called El Conquistador.
Tallahassee.
I want you to get your asses over there
and take care of it right away.
Not a juke joint.
You should arrive by early morning.
I'll meet you there.
Uh, I'll level with you, Chief.
Flint and me could use a little shut-eye.
We have not slept since the night before last,
- and we... - (click, dial tone)
Hello?
- Chief? - Who's in Tallahassee?
DESK CLERK: Certainly.
There are a number of places I can recommend locally,
or right here at the hotel,
we have Espadrilles for casual dining,
or we have Baxter's by the Pool,
which is our more elegant venue down in the lower level.
Maybe we should stay here.
Replenish the ice.
(piano playing "Fly Me to the Moon")
This is great, but how...
Ladies, are we enjoying a beverage this evening?
(softly): Rainbow.
Yes.
Uh, can we get some champagne, please?
Like, a really, really good one?
WAITER: Of course.
Won't you have to pay for the card at some point?
Theoretically.
(Jamie sighs)
So...
I've been thinking about it, and...
...finally dawned on me that you are not the kind of person
that a girl brings to a roadside motel for a quickie.
Now, I have heard of the more soulful sex
where you have a nice dinner and conversation first
so it all comes out of someplace deeper,
but I usually have stuff to do.
Perrier-Jouët Belle Epoque '95.
You mean you want to sleep with me?
Marian, you have got to have a good, steamy fuck.
- (cork pops) - Something I decided
last night while I was lying in bed
before I started masturbating, and I figure,
it's important to me, I should take care of it myself.
Especially since, with you,
it's got to be with somebody who cares for you.
Am I right?
Can't just be a finger jiggling your clit and adios.
- Thank you. - WAITER: My pleasure. Madame?
Yes, please.
But is it a good idea for us to have sex?
I mean, we're good friends,
and maybe it's not supposed to be more than that.
Maybe we shouldn't risk ruining it.
Look, you can always find reasons to not have sex,
and if you think about them too much, guess what.
- You never have sex. - Exactly.
Like my high school guidance counselor.
She was always saying that this or that
- would be inappropriate. - Uh-huh.
But when I finally got her to relax,
the sex was great.
Ladies, have we decided?
Don't rush us, buddy.
First, we'll dance.
("You Belong to Me" by Diana Krall playing)
Maybe I do overthink things.
Yeah.
Got to keep that brain loose, let that mind fly.
(sighs softly)
There was this one time I was with Debbie Augenblick.
Ah, you know Debbie.
She's got this humongous dildo she's got mounted
on a Black & Decker circular sander,
and she had me going like my brains were gonna
come out the top of my freaking skull.
I mean, I came like the Grand Burlington motherfuck...
♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle ♪
♪ Just remember, darling ♪
♪ All the while ♪
♪ You belong to me... ♪
(music continues faintly in distance)
♪ ♪
(gasps softly)
(gasps, exhales)
(breathing heavily)
(moaning)
(moaning continues)
(moans softly)
♪ ♪
GOON: One accomplishment.
Huh? Name me one.
At least I'm in the arena dealing with people.
Those girls wound you up like a top.
Flint, have you ever fucked a woman
on a creaky porch swing
on a warm summer evening-- crickets, so forth?
I mean, just fucked her like there's no tomorrow,
trousers around your ankles,
belt jangling, yelling to beat the band,
slamming away like a Cincinnati jackhammer.
Yes, people might stroll by
and see you looking foolish up there
slapping ham on the veranda,
but that is the price you pay for interaction.
If this is too messy for you, then you will spend
the rest of your miserable fucking life
just hitting people and then pulling your measly little pud.
Can't wait to tell the chief.
Yeah, and why don't you also tell him
that you're a social fucking imbecile
that I've been carrying on my back
all the way from Philadelphia!
(faint police radio chatter)
(grunts, moans)
(moans)
(weakly): Help.
"Big case."
That woman.
Won't anybody save Curlie?
(car door closes)
(car departing)
♪ ♪
Wake me in Tallahassee.
CHAUFFEUR: Yes, sir.
♪ ♪
(water splashing gently)
♪ ♪
(door slides open)
MAN: Honey, we eating soon?
WOMAN: Okay.
MAN: Oh. All right.
(door closes)
♪ ♪
(Jamie gasping)
Jamie?
(panting): Waited for you as long as I could.
Jamie, no!
(yelling)
Jamie, why?
(gasping)
Oh, my God.
Marian.
CHAUFFEUR: Sir?
- Sir. - Hmm?
Tallahassee, sir.
- Where to, exactly? - (sighs)
Yes, um...
The track.
Dog track? Yes, sir.
Those penises are trouble, Jamie.
JAMIE: Oh, come on now.
I thought you were gonna loosen up.
You gonna work your way through all of them?
No. I like this one.
Oh, come on. Don't be mad.
Last night was beautiful,
but you fell asleep and I didn't get my turn
on the waterslide, if you know what I'm saying.
- Okay! -All right! - (Jamie and Marian screaming)
Everyone, relax. Stay calm.
We're here for two things.
- (screaming continues) - (grunts)
Careful with that thing, you fucking moron!
- Screw you! - (screaming)
We're here for two items.
Whoa. She's naked.
All right, no big deal. Just a naked lady.
We're here for two items.
Yes, this. Please and thank you.
- And the head box. - Head box!
Fuck you! Don't you fucking lecture me!
All right, ladies. No need to panic. One more time.
Please and thank you. We're all friends here.
Two items. Don't panic. Okay.
Let's get this show on the road.
(screaming continues)
Yeah, baby.
You're such a big, bouncy, beautiful baby.
Love doesn't have to die, baby.
Whoa.
This is so groovy.
Now I can love you forever.
Whoa.
And ever
and ever and ever
- and ever and ever. - And ever and ever.
Never to wilt, never to wane.
BOTH: Never to wilt, never to wane.
Never to wilt, never to wane.
(echoing): Never to wilt, never to wane.
Never to wilt, never to wane.
Never to wilt...
(bell rings)
(snarling)
Took 'em straight here.
Haven't debriefed 'em, Chief.
Figured you want to do the talking.
This is all they had?
What's all they had?
Ladies, you're a day late and a dick short.
GOON: What are you talking about?
The senator's penis is not in the case!
- Not in the... - Well, that just figures.
Come on, girls.
Where's the last phallus?
(muffled chattering)
You didn't check the case before you left?
I-I...
He's been stepping on his dick the whole way down, Chief.
What have you done, jerk-off?
I got the Spanish guy's head, Einstein!
They gave you the combination,
and it still took you 15 minutes!
- FLINT: I never slip up. - GOON: Right, left,
- past the first number. - (yells)
(snarling)
The senator is a good man.
He smoked marijuana once in college.
Many of us did.
- It was a different time. - (muffled muttering)
He went to a party and met a hippie chick,
Tiffany Plaster Caster.
Housekeeping.
(snarling)
She took a plaster cast of his excited...
...thing.
She made one model of each of her "old men."
(beeping)
At the time, the senator didn't know that someday
he'd be called on to serve his community, his state,
and perhaps someday, his nation.
He was just a kid.
(humming an upbeat tune)
His penis passed from hand to hand.
Finally ended up with an international collector
named Alejandro Santos y Obrador.
(hushed): You saw him, sort of.
(continues humming)
(stops humming)
(housekeeper screaming)
This penis cannot become a piece of merchandise.
Think of it: eBay,
"Senator Gary Channel's ding-dong, lightly used."
Comments, reviews.
Think of what it would do to him.
His children, his family, his career.
(gasps)
- (goons yelling in distance) - We're not unreasonable.
We'll gladly pay for it.
We just...
Will you please shut up!
That wasn't my idea!
I was just trying to keep us awake.
I was experimenting.
But you liked it.
- FLINT: No, I didn't! - I could tell.
Hey, it was the Irish coffee. I was drunk!
Drunk on cock.
- FLINT: No! I didn't. - It's not my thing.
I was just trying to help you be a man.
- To understand life. - No!
- The stuff of life! - No, no, no!
(groaning)
(screaming)
CHIEF: God, man, what are you doing?!
- (both screaming) - (Flint yelling)
(Marian and Jamie whimpering)
(Marian and Jamie whimpering loudly)
(gun clicks)
(clicking)
Mommy.
(crying)
(door opens, closes)
(dogs barking, yelping in distance)
(dogs barking in distance)
MARIAN: All right, we have to get back to the hotel
and grab the penis out of the bed.
Then we switch hotels.
You grab the penis. I'll meet you at the hotel.
Okay. The La Lanterna.
I'll check in under the name Abzug.
- Where are you going? - Art store.
(barking)
WOMAN: Next customer, please.
SUKIE: Shinkleman. Going to Tallahassee.
Don't ask me why.
(line ringing)
MAN (over phone): Committee to Reelect.
JAMIE: I need to speak to the senator.
MAN: Well, who should I say is calling?
Someone who has his...
...personal effects.
- (airplane engine whirring) - (barking)
- (line clicks) - GARY (over phone): Who is this?
Senator?
Yes. Who is this?
Somebody who wants a million dollars.
If you can get it by tonight, you can have your thing back.
Everybody's things.
I'll tell you where to bring the money. Come alone.
If you're not alone,
believe me, I'll know it.
(Alice barking)
Someone named Jamie Dobbs
made a phone call from here last night.
Uh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Well, this is for her.
Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
You've missed them.
Um, her-her friend just checked them out.
♪ ♪
JAMIE: Done.
With what?
Tell you later. I'm gonna clean up.
Want to join me?
(dogs barking in distance)
♪ ♪
(shower running)
♪ ♪
Jamie.
I want...
Uh-huh?
I... I-I want...
What do you want, sugar sweet?
I want to make love with the senator's penis.
♪ ♪
(moaning, heavy breathing)
(lively chatter in distance)
(dance music pulsing in distance)
("Fire" by Lizzy Mercier Descloux playing)
♪ Fire ♪
♪ I bid you to burn ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ I bid you to learn ♪
(watch ticking)
Who are you?
Democrats.
Mind if we sit down?
♪ Got your mind, you turn around ♪
♪ You've been so blind ♪
♪ You fall behind, oh, no ♪
Are they all there?
♪ Fire ♪
♪ I'll take you to burn ♪
Count 'em.
♪ Fire ♪
♪ I'll take you to learn ♪
♪ You've been living like a little girl... ♪
We didn't deserve this...
this commodification.
These are all good people.
Important people, too, some of them.
There's the head of one of the bigger Fortune 500 companies.
The owner of a large-market football team.
A Supreme Court justice.
♪ Fire... ♪
You little people titillate yourselves
with something that was never meant for you,
trafficking in other people's attainments.
Senator, save the sanctimony.
And hand over the million smackers.
I used to believe in the unfettered free market.
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Fire... ♪
I don't know.
♪ Fire... ♪
Whose head, Senator?
Don't get lofty with me, women.
Did we do the wrong thing?
What if he's the next president?
WOMAN: You girls are cute.
My friends and me are having a little basement party later.
You want to join?
Not tonight.
(Alice barking)
Sukie?
There you are.
So what was that crackhead phone call about?
Wha-What do you mean? How'd you know I'd be here?
How many dyke bars are there in Tallahassee?
What, are you an executive now?
Did they, uh, make you the president
of Little Miss Liar Pants, Inc.?
Oh, this? No, I just, uh...
♪ ♪
'Cause we thought they didn't know where we were,
but somehow they did, and this morning,
they put us in the back of a Toyota Tercel
and took us to the dog track, and I'm sure
they were gonna kill us, but lucky for us,
they had left the most important penis behind.
Well, you've had a full day.
- She's yours now. - (barks)
Hang on. This doesn't look good.
(tape rips)
- (gun fires) - (people screaming)
Motherfucker.
(screaming)
(barking)
SUKIE: What's she chasing?
Yeah.
We forgot to tell you about
the suave guy's head in the hatbox.
(groans)
(barking continues)
JAMIE: Boy, I think I could win against him.
And now we get to just keep on going.
Who's gonna complain if we keep the car?
Things could not have worked out better.
Well, I guess.
What's wrong?
I am fully aware that the senator is a terrible person,
but I have to admit,
I'll miss his...
No worries, girl.
I made a cast.
And two copies.
MARIAN: Great.
But why two?
For each other.
Ladies, your visitor is here.
Can we get our car?
You know, hers and hers.
Aunt Ellis.
Oh, hello, darling.
- She's your aunt? - Uh-huh.
Uncle John met her in church.
Watch what you say. She's very religious.
So good to see you.
This is my friend Jamie.
Oh, how are you, young lady?
This your first time in Tallahassee?
Yes, ma'am, and what a beautiful city.
- Not like Miami. - Oh, no, no.
Not like Miami.
You able to stay with us long?
No, unfortunately...
Right after birding, we're off to Massachusetts.
- We just decided last night. - Jamie.
Well, what do they have in Massachusetts
that we don't have right here in North Florida?
Women can get married there.
To each other?
Hmm.
Well, that's an innovation.
("Cryin' My Eyes Out (Lyin' Beside You)" by Shannon Shaw)
(engine starts)
- Ladies! - (song stops)
(song resumes)
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Lying beside you ♪
♪ Feeling your heart beat in time ♪
♪ Same as mine ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Since I'm beside you ♪
♪ And I'm your wife and you're mine ♪
♪ Everything's fine, fine ♪
♪ You were the second thing that I ♪
♪ I ever knew ♪
♪ Didn't think there was anything on this earth ♪
♪ That you couldn't do ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Lying beside you ♪
♪ Feeling your heart beat in time ♪
♪ Same as mine ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Since I'm beside you ♪
♪ And I'm your wife and you're mine ♪
♪ Everything's fine, fine ♪
♪ Hands still strong and fingers straight ♪
♪ Where have you been, for goodness' sake? ♪
♪ What do you feel from this point, huh? ♪
♪ What will it take? ♪
♪ You were the second thing ♪
♪ That I ever knew ♪
♪ Didn't think there was anything on this earth ♪
♪ You couldn't do ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Lying beside you ♪
♪ Feeling your heart beat in time ♪
♪ Same as mine ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Since I'm beside you ♪
♪ And I'm your wife and you're mine ♪
♪ Everything's fine, fine. ♪
(song ends)
♪ Well... ♪
("Got My Mojo Working" by Joyce Harris & The Daylighters)
♪ I got my mojo working, but it-it won't work on you ♪
♪ Yeah, I got my mojo working ♪
♪ It just won't work on you ♪
♪ Well, I'm going to love you so ♪
♪ Till I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I got my four-leaf clover all a-hangin' high ♪
♪ Got my black cat bones all clear and dry ♪
♪ Got my mojo working ♪
♪ It won't work on you ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm going to love you so ♪
♪ Till I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I got my hoodoo ashes all around your place ♪
♪ Got my black cat boots underneath your bed ♪
♪ Got my mojo working ♪
♪ It won't work on you ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm going to love you so ♪
♪ Till I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I got my mojo working ♪
♪ Oh, let me hear it ♪
♪ Got my mojo working ♪
♪ Come on by, now ♪
♪ I got my mojo working ♪
♪ Like, I mean, you know, turn me off ♪
- ♪ I got my mojo working ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I got my mojo working ♪
♪ Yeah, I know you have ♪
♪ I got my mojo working ♪
♪ Yeah, I got my mojo working ♪
♪ But it just won't work on you ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got my mojo working ♪
♪ It won't work on you ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm going to love you so ♪
♪ Till I don't know what to do ♪
♪ Yeah, I got a Gypsy woman giving me advice ♪
♪ Red-hot tip gonna keep on ice ♪
♪ I got my mojo working ♪
♪ It won't work on you ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm going to love you so ♪
♪ Till I don't know what to do. ♪
(song ends)
♪ ♪
(quiet, indistinct chatter)
(indistinct chatter continues)
(indistinct recording playing over phone)
(music fades)