Today is gonna be the best day ever.
How do I know that?
Because every day is the best day ever.
I love my life.
I love sunshine, I love butterflies,
but more than anything, I love Doug.
- Hey!
Shut the fuck up.
Fucking piece of shit.
That's Doug, also known as
the best owner in the world.
I still remember the first day we met.
She was, too, flirting with you. -
Hey, babies.
The second Doug laid eyes on me,
we knew we were meant to be together.
Fuck.
Ever since that day, he and I have been inseparable.
Why is Doug so great?
- Where do I begin? - Get down.
He loves being around me so much,
he doesn't even have a job.
Also, Doug doesn't get me boring dog toys.
He lets me come up with my own toys.
Hi, Reggie. What you got?
Like this stretchy thing.
- What the fuck? - Uh...
Those aren't mine.
There is a simple explanation.
This was supposed to be a Christmas present.
Doug, it's July.
Sometimes I worry
if I'm doing a good job making Doug happy.
- You don't get it. - I'm done. Reggie.
But then I realized I do make Doug happy.
What are you doing? You don't even like the dog.
I love this dog.
And that makes me happy.
-All that matters is that you like him,
and I like that you don't get to have him.
You are a total fucking loser.
- Yeah, a loser with a dog.
Honestly, the only thing in the world
that Doug maybe loves more than me
is his favorite toy: his penis.
He gives it haircuts.
He watches TV with it.
WOMAN Flip it around!
Stop staring. You're ruining it.
And the way he pets that thing,
sometimes I wish I was a penis.
But every time I try to play with it,
he gets so possessive.
Get off! Get-- Bad dog!
The key to any good relationship
is having things in common.
We both like barking.
We both love a good scratch.
And we can stay up all night just talking for hours.
You fucked up my life, didn't you?
Even though I don't understand what he's saying...
She never would've found out if it wasn't for your dumb ass.
...I can tell he loves me.
And while I don't know that many human beings,
I think it's safe to assume he's one of the best.
Goddamn it.
It's bullshit, Mom.
They're kicking me out
'cause your last check wasn't enough for rent.
You might say Doug is messy, but lately...
No, I'm not gonna move back home.
...he's been much better
at putting his toys away.
No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look.
It's just, you know that I can't
live that close to a school.
No!
Bad dog! That's my favorite fucking bong, dude!
Oh. You like that ball, don't you?
Lately, Doug has been playing
a brand-new game with me called fetch-and-fuck.
Fetch!
Basically, Doug drops me off
really far away...
Sayonara, ke-mo sah-bee.
...throws the ball and drives home without me.
Then it's my turn to get the ball
and find my way back home.
When I bring the ball back,
- he says... - Fuck.
And that's how I know I won the game.
Fetch!
We've been playing it a lot lately.
Fuck! - Sometimes we play it
three or four times in the same day.
Fetch!
- Fuck.
Fetch! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck.
Holy fuck!
"Holy fuck" is right.
I win again!
That's it.
This ends now.
♪ You only got a couple miles to go ♪
♪ If you're trying to drive me insane... ♪
These road trips are the best.
Because you get to see the exciting world
outside our town.
Keep driving, Doug.
Don't make it too easy on me.
I love a challenge.
♪ 'Cause I hide from everyone ♪
♪ Shine on me ♪
This round's gonna be the hardest one yet,
because we went way further than we've ever gone before.
In fact, I have no idea where we are.
And that's exciting.
♪ Shine on me ♪
♪ Shine on me... ♪
I know the world seems like a scary place sometimes,
but I don't worry.
Good luck fetching this.
Because I'm always safe at Doug's side.
♪ Shine on me ♪
♪ Shine on me. ♪
Sure, Doug really challenges me with this game,
but that's just because he believes in me.
You know what they say.
The best relationships are the hard ones.
You have to put in the work.
- You got to have courage.
And you always need to remember that real love...
...is never easy.
But even though I love this game,
I kind of want it to be over.
Because, well...
I really just want to be home.
Okay. Time to get moving.
Going back to Doug's.
This is a nice neighborhood.
I like all the trash.
And the needles.
So many needles.
Hey, honey.
You ever been with an Afghan before?
Uh, no, I-I don't think so, but thank you.
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
You lost?
Hi there, uh, big dogs.
Yes, I am lost.
I'm trying to get to Doug's place.
Do you... do you know which way that is from here?
Hmm...
- You say Doug's place? - I did. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know which way that is.
Oh, great.
Right up my fucking ass, you little shit.
Oh, no, that can't be right.
O-O-Okay, well, I'll just be on my way.
Uh, can-can I please have my ball back?
Your ball? You'll be lucky if I let you leave with your life.
Hey! Who in the fuck is making all that noise
- in my fucking alley? - Whoa, who's this guy?
Oh, you don't want me to come around
this fucking corner, now, do you?
Shit's gonna get crackin'. Trust me.
You want to dance, motherfuckers, huh?
You want to dance?
Let's do this.
What's up, bitches? Huh?
Oh, he's tiny.
The shadow-- I thought he was...
I thought he was fucking big.
Yeah, we can destroy this guy, right?
Yeah, go ahead, bite me, you raggedy motherfuckers.
I dare you.
You know how many diseases is up in me?
Rabies, scabies, whatever disease you can get
from tongue-fucking a dead squirrel.
Which I did last night 'cause I'm crazy, man.
That's a 37-inch vertical.
I'm-a tell you right now, you run up on me
and I'll stick this paw right up your ass and in his,
- like a shish kebab. - Whoa. This guy seems nuts.
Look at the way he's barking at his own ass.
I'll do it. I'll do it.
I'll bite my own ass off!
Oh, man, the fuck is wrong with this guy?
I'm so crazy I'll fuck the trash.
You like it, don't you?
You like it.
You want to get recycled?
Anybody got a twisty tie?
'Cause I'm fucking this bag up.
Okay, who's next?
He's freaking me out. Let's bounce.
Fight you or I'll fuck you! Dealer's choice.
But either way, you're getting worms.
Large breeds, man-- these motherfuckers.
Man, look, always falling for that crazy little dog trick.
Hey. You with me, kid?
'Cause this block ain't for dogs like you.
We should get the hell out of here.
But my tennis ball...
Ah, fuck it. We'll get you another one.
I'm Bug, by the way. You got a name?
Oh, uh, right. Sorry.
It's good to meet you, Bug.
M-My name is Shitbag.
What?
Oh, it's short for Dumbass Shitbag,
but sometimes Doug pronounces it Fucknugget.
Uh, none of those sound like names.
Oh. Well, Doug's lady friend used to call me Reggie.
Reggie. There you go. Yeah, we're gonna go with that.
Let's keep moving.
So, uh, how long you been a stray for, Reggie?
- Oh, I... no, I'm not a stray. - Oh, you're not?
I-I'm just out here temporarily. -Oh.
I actually have an owner.
We're playing this game where he drops me off far away...
- Mm-hmm. - ...throws a ball...
- Right. - ...and then it's my turn
to bring the ball back home.
Holy shit.
- Yeah. - That's, uh...
I'm sorry, man,
but that's incredibly tragic.
And the funniest fucking thing
I've heard in a long fucking time.
Well, I'm glad you're having a good laugh.
Take it from me, kid, that owner of yours,
he's not playing any game with you.
- He left your ass, okay? - Huh?
You are officially a stray.
D-Don't call me that.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm a stray, and I'm having the time of my life.
You'll learn. How old are you?
I'm two.
Well, I'm three, and I have seen it all.
Paw to God.
I once saw a dog that was half Labrador
and half poodle.
- A-A labradoodle. - No, no, no, no.
- A poo-dor. - A poo-dor?
The other way around.
- Even fucking weirder. - Yeah.
Point is, life out here on your own
can be fucking awesome as long as you go by the rules.
Well, what rules?
Rule number one:
You want something, you pee on it.
Whatever you pee on, it's yours.
Let's try it out.
You-you see that lamppost over there?
Yeah. -Why don't you go over there and pee on that?
And you're sure this is okay?
Go ahead. Ain't nobody giving a fuck.
You're a fucking stray now. That's my point.
Well, I'm-I'm not a stray, but yeah, okay.
Congratulations.
You now own a lamppost.
Oh, wow.
Now, let's talk rule number two:
You can pretty much fuck whatever you want.
Have you ever humped anything before?
Well, I wouldn't say I've humped, per se,
but I do like to dance on Doug's leg.
Dude, that wasn't dancing.
Baby, you was humping-- the devil's dance.
But now the world is like a buffet
- for your tiny dog dick. - Really?
You know what? I recently fucked this couch.
- No. - Mm-hmm.
Best sex of my life.
- Wow. Really? - Yeah.
Oh, a-a-and she's dirty, too.
Oh, well, I-I can tell.
Looks like she hasn't been washed in years.
I'll see you later, baby.
It was nice to meet you.
Now, rule number three,
and this is the most important, bar none:
You are on your own.
That's awful.
That's not a bad thing, all right?
Now, right now you're freaking out
'cause you feel like, you know, y-you need this Doug guy.
- I do. - But no, no, trust me.
You don't.
Humans trick us into thinking that we need 'em,
but they're just brainwashing us, man.
Point is, you ain't got to deal with that shit no more, okay?
You a stray.
You can do anything you want now. -I don't know.
Come on! Repeat after me:
I can do anything.
I can do... anything?
Damn fucking right you can.
Now, you want to see how fucked-up humans can be?
Come on.
Look at these motherfuckers here.
A bunch of pet dogs
losing their minds over their 15 minutes of freedom.
God! If only our wolf ancestors could see these pussies.
Follow me.
Now, why are these humans so desperate to keep us?
- Because they love us? - No, no, I-I got a theory.
- They need us for our poop. - Huh?
Watch that lady. Watch her.
- See? See? Uh-huh.
It's like they're collecting it for something.
What do you think they're doing with it?
I think they're using it to make chocolate. -Oh.
Have you ever had a piece of chocolate? -No.
Exactly. Come on. I'm gonna introduce you to my homeys.
I thought you said these dogs were all losers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say a lot of shit.
- Hey, losers. - Hey, Bug.
Oh, if it isn't the tiny dog who caught the car.
I did catch that car.
No, everyone knows that's impossible.
Yeah, it was parked.
Yeah, it parked after I caught it.
No, there was no one in the car. -Yeah, no one in the car.
Listen, I don't even have to keep this conversation going.
What I was trying to do, losers,
was introduce you to my new friend Reggie.
He just got dumped.
Aw. Sorry, mate. Welcome to the club.
Uh, sorry. Was it at least mutual?
Oh, no, it-it's actually just a game.
Reg, I want you to meet Hunter.
He's a therapy dog
who works in a home for dying humans.
Which sounds like an okay gig,
except that he was trained to be a police dog.
You almost made it to the police squad?
- That's awesome.
Yeah, I-I guess it's awesome.
Get the fuck out of my way, cone boy!
Oh, uh, sorry about that, Bubsy.
Hunter, say something back, mate.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
Hey, Bubsy, you got any fucking... weekend plans?
What? It still sounds friendly. -REGGIE: You got him.
Yeah. Raw-dogging your mom.
Ah, right. Well, I'm pretty sure she's dead,
- but good luck anyway. - Pussy!
Love those observations, Bubs. Take care.
Hunter, get your weight up.
Don't let him talk to you like that.
You're the biggest dog here.
You should eat his freaking face off,
shit it out and then eat it again.
Bug, you know I don't love confrontation.
Yeah, don't let the big dick fool you.
He's just a gigantic pussy.
Whoa.
It is a great penis.
Oh, thanks. You know, I try to keep it clean,
do my best to lick it as much as possible.
Yeah, the only thing thicker than Hunter's dick
is the sexual tension between these two.
- Oh, come on. - Bug, no. What?
- That's funny, though. - Yeah, right. Imagine.
"Thicker than Hunter's dick."
- But no, no. - No.
Now, Maggie, on the other hand, is one bad bitch.
But sadly, her owner Jenna thinks
the badder bitch is the puppy that replaced her.
So, Bella looked at me like, "I want a cupcake, too,"
so I was like, "I'm gonna get her a cupcake."
- I am so here for that. - Right?
So, Jenna said, "Sit," which I did.
But then I thought,
"Wouldn't it be cute if I acted all confused
and tilted my head like, 'Huh?'" -Oh, my God, stop.
Man, sure got to suck to compete with that.
No, it's fine.
Bella's young and cute and fun, so of course Jenna loves her
more than me right now, and I get that.
Cool. Anyways, I was thinking, if you guys are free later...
But what I really don't get is why Jenna thinks
it's so adorable when she spins around in circles.
Like, I could do that in my sleep.
But you know what? It's totally fine. It's fine.
Mm, okay. -You know what? It doesn't get to me
so much anymore.
I'm fine. I'm not jealous or worried
or angry or depressed or confused
or fuming or unhinged at all.
Yeah, you seem totally fine.
And now that Jenna's spending so much time with Bella,
it's given me a chance to do a little self-care.
Like, I've been going into the digging.
I really like the feeling of the soil under my nails.
I'm just, like, out in the fresh air again.
I'm just really connecting to the land.
No, I'm-I'm learning I love digging.
I love digging! I love it! I love to dig!
- What-what's happening? - See, Reg?
Aren't you happy to be a stray now
and not have to deal with all that owner bullshit?
Well, no, as I said, I'm not a stray.
Doug and I are just playing a game. -Mm-hmm.
Look, why don't you come out with us tonight?
And you can learn how beautiful it can be
when you're off the leash.
If I can't convince you that being a stray is great,
- scraps night will. Sure will.
Yeah. - Well, thank you,
but I really should be getting back to Doug.
What? Why?
So I can make him happy.
Isn't that a dog's purpose?
Don't you ever say that again!
- -Here we go. - Reggie, your purpose
is not to make some stupid human families happy.
It's not to make some single loser feel more complete.
Your purpose is to do...
BUG, HUNTER and MAGGIE: Whatever the fuck you want.
And when you are a stray...
BUG, HUNTER and MAGGIE: There's a lot to fucking do.
Why do I feel like there's an echo in here?
'Cause you've said this a million times. -I know.
- I love that spiel. No, it's fine.
It's fine. -You write your own fucking speeches, okay?
- Okay. Yeah.
Now, what do you say, guys?
- Another scraps night? Yes.
All right, meet at the pizza place at sundown,
and we gonna fuck shit up.
♪ Get wild... ♪
So, what is scraps night?
It's that one magnificent night of the week
where humans are a lot more willing
to give us food or drop it accidentally or both.
That stuff that they're dropping is gold.
Oh. I just feel like we're gonna get in trouble, though.
No, we're cleaning up.
These fuckers love it when we clean up.
Wait for it.
Drop the fucking pizza, bitch.
That's the one!
- Let's do this!
♪ I-I-I-I'm with all my dogs ♪
♪ Finna fuck the city up ♪
♪ Keep a pocket full, got these bitches wanna hit me up ♪
♪ Drinking by the pool ♪
♪ Doing drugs, is you lit or what? ♪
♪ Making hella noise... ♪
This water is making me dizzy.
Oh, it's about to get real dizzy up in this bitch.
Oh, I don't mind feeling dizzy.
Pace yourself, Reg. - I like it.
♪ Get wild ♪
Chester, for the last time,
there's no fucking fence there.
Just come out with us.
I can't.
I'm telling you, there is a magical fence there.
You just can't see it.
- Come on, Chester. - Chester!
BUG, HUNTER and MAGGIE: Chester! Chester!
Honestly, that is persuasive, and I don't know why.
Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this.
Stop being a pussy, and do this.
Okay.
Run!
Chester!
Chester! Chester! Come on!
You've got it, Chester! You've got it!
Goddamn!
It's real! The magic fence is real!
♪ Big dog status, big dog baggage ♪
♪ Big dog, fuck it, I got big dog habits ♪
♪ See, I'm going hard in the paint, doing damage ♪
♪ Big dog tell me do it, look like I'm average... ♪
Oh, yeah. You gonna get it.
Somebody been naughty.
You a naughty owl. You a little naughty owl.
You're right, Bug.
I like this humping.
Bug, can I try your owl?
I told you scraps night was gonna be off the chain, baby.
- I'm having a great time. - Ain't this about a bitch.
Look at this motherfucker right here.
What you want? Huh, homey?
I'll rip your motherfucking nuts off.
- Come on, let's go. - Pointy-eared motherfucker.
Come on. It's not worth it.
There you go, Reg. - I'm doing good?
Give it to him. Give it to that gnome, Reg.
Tell that gnome you're his daddy.
Hey, gnome, I'm your father.
- It's good to finally meet you. - Uh, Reggie...
Even under these strange circumstances.
- No, Reggie. - Reggie!
Oh, you can't get me.
Aha, ah-- I'm too fast for you.
I'm too fast for you. This motherfucker is keeping up.
Come on, let's go. -Who your little bitch-ass friend
with the motherfucking home perm and shit?
- What did you just say? - There you go, Reg.
Don't you look at me like that. -Get up in his ass.
I would hate for this to get violent.
I didn't know I had a son.
And he's a gnome of all things. -MAGGIE: Oh, Reggie!
God, shut up! -Does anyone want to hump my son?
He's handsomely dressed in a smart little tunic.
Yo, Chester. You got balls, baby.
That magic fence was legit.
I kept telling you!
What a weird thing a magic fence would be to make up.
I can do anything.
Reggie, don't. Wait, wait.
- What's going on? - Reggie, no.
- Don't do it. Reggie, no.
I can do anything.
Do not test the dark arts, kid.
♪ Get wild. ♪
Oh, shoot!
- That was fucking amazing! - Incredible!
- Yeah! You did it!
- That's impossible. Reggie!
I did it! I did it!
Oh, what a night.
Reg, I could tell the moment I sniffed your anus
you're a great guy.
- You're a legend. Yeah, baby.
I told you strays life is the best life.
Yeah, you got to admit,
it's fun to be off leash for a bit, right?
Right? -Yeah, well, it is kind of awesome
not having to hold my pee for ten hours
- until Doug lets me outside.
And I like the sound of "legend"
a lot more than "shitbag."
Guys, I'm still peeing.
Wait, is that really what he called you?
And I really don't miss roasting in the car
when he stops at a store and he leaves me
with the windows cracked just barely enough
- for me to stay conscious. Wait, what?
And I'm just panting, gasping for air
and trying to survive until he comes back in 45 minutes.
Classic Doug. Too funny.
So, this guy neglects you, throws you on the street,
and you still think he's a good guy?
Yeah. I mean, if Doug doesn't like me,
why does he let me eat his leftover human food?
So he doesn't have to buy dog food.
And why didn't he put a collar and tags on you?
Because he doesn't believe in labels.
Oh, come on, Reg.
And the bandanna he gave me
is way more special than a collar
'cause he used it for his penis sneezes.
- Ew. - Ew.
Doug loves me.
We have a good relationship.
You just don't understand the situation,
because if Doug's such a bad guy
and he-he left me on purpose
and he hurt me on purpose, that would mean...
Doug doesn't love me.
Can, uh, you guys just give me a second?
Oh, poor little guy.
That is just the classic toxic relationship.
I should probably talk to him. I am a therapy dog.
Nah, give him some space.
Kid's been through a lot.
That's what you fucking sound like,
you piece of shit.
Oh, get off! Get--
Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog!
Worst dog in the fucking world.
Hey, Reggie.
I know you're feeling hurt right now
and it's-- ugh-- must be so hard
to figure out what to do...
I'm going back to Doug's.
- What? - The fuck, man?
What's it gonna take for you to understand
that he's not playing a game with you?
And I'm not playing a game with him.
Okay...
All my life, I felt like I wasn't worth anything
unless I heard those words, "Good boy,"
but they never came.
Well, he needs to know he's hurt me.
He needs to feel my pain.
And he needs to pay for what he did
with the only thing he truly loves.
I'm gonna bite his dick off.
- Oh. - Wait, did he just say bite...
Yeah, I-I'm still a little drunk,
but did I just hear you say that you were gonna...
I said I'm gonna bite his dick off.
- Oh, I'm 100% in for this. No, no, no, no, no.
Bug. Wait, wait, wait. Reggie, please.
I feel you-- I really do-- but this-this is insane.
Yeah, like, maybe there's
a metaphorical dick you could bite off.
Like-like-like you could pretend my dick is his dick,
and you could give it a stern talking-to.
No, his dick-- no exceptions.
Playing with that thing was his favorite activity
until he started putting things in boxes.
Boxes? -Oh, shit. That means he's moving soon.
- Moving? Oh, God. Oh, man.
- Wh-What if we're too late? - Calm down.
We definitely don't have much time.
Any places, smells, landmarks you remember
on the road to get here?
Uh, I-I just... I-I remember passing
an enormous hamster wheel.
- Okay, hamster wheel. - Uh, uh, a giant cone
that looked like Hunter's.
Giant cone that looked like Hunter's. Okay.
And the... and the devil in the sky.
And the devil in the sky. Boom! That's basically a road map
right to this guy's custard launcher.
Bug, there's no way. It's impossible.
Nah. No, no, no, not quite.
Reggie's got no shot
of making it back in time on his own,
but if we all go, I got the street smarts,
you got the muscle, and Maggie's got
a sense of smell so good she could sniff one asshole
and tell you what the guy ate three breakfasts ago.
- Bunch of nickels. - Exactly.
She's incredible.
Guys, we can do this.
- No, there is no way... - I'm in.
...I am missing this.
Let's do it!
Really? You guys would do this for me?
Hell yeah. We got your back, Reg.
Yeah. All right, guys.
Let's show these humans they can't toss us aside
without facing some bad fucking consequences.
Fellas.
Lady.
Let's go get some dick.
Howling.
- Howl. Howling.
I'm just not a great howler.
♪ Yeah, word is bond ♪
♪ Das EFX in this, you know what I'm sayin'? ♪
♪ Straight from the sewer, word is bond, yeah ♪
♪ Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm bad for your health ♪
♪ I come real stealth ♪
Fuck you! ♪ Dropping bombs on your moms, fuck car alarms ♪
♪ Doing foul crime, I'm that brotha wit' yo' Alpine ♪
♪ Sold it for a six-o, always let tricks know ♪
♪ And friends know we got the indo ♪
♪ No, I'm not a sucker sitting in a House of Pain ♪
♪ And no, I'm not the butler, I'll cut ya ♪
♪ This ain't no fucking motion picture ♪
♪ A guy or bitch-a, I'll get wit' cha and hit ya ♪
♪ Taking that yak to the neck, so you better run a check ♪
♪ So come on and chickity-check yo' self ♪
Fuck you! ♪ Before you wreck yo' self, chickity-check yo' self ♪
♪ Before you wreck yo' self, boy ♪
♪ Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self ♪
♪ 'Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health... ♪
Howling.
♪ Check it. ♪
Why didn't nobody tell us that dog journeys
are so fucking exhausting?
- Yeah. - Oh, this is brutal.
I was still drunk when I agreed to do this.
- Yeah, I'm hangry. - Yeah, I'm starving.
I just threw up over there, so there might be
something in there if you want to give it a... -Ooh.
Okay.
I bet that's some of the pizza from last night.
Oh, yeah, lot-lots of good shit in there.
Oh, there's those nickels.
Guys, we-we got to keep moving.
You can't miss this thing.
It's like a giant hamster wheel
but without the hamster and it smells like hot dogs.
Smells like hot dogs?
This is her superpower. She's unbelievable.
- Look at that nose. You got something?
Wait a minute.
Wait, d-do you smell that?
I just smell plastic.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Yeah, I've got it.
She's walking away. Should we follow her?
I'm gonna follow her.
No, no, no, no, no. A sausage is the one
that looks like shit but it don't taste like shit.
Okay. What is a hot dog?
Guys. Shh. Drop it. Look.
- What the fuck is this? - That's it.
The giant hamster wheel.
- We're on the right track. All right, guys.
We're on a time crunch, but Hunter's gonna die
if we don't get some food in him, okay?
Maggie, you hang with Hunter.
Gotcha. Good plan.
- Reg, you know what time it is? - Uh...
- It's grub time. Damn right. - It's grub... yeah, grub time.
- Let's get some grub. - Let's get some grub.
This fucking place is weird.
So weird.
I never really can understand humans, man,
especially, like, the lighter-shade ones.
They some strange motherfuckers.
I was thinking the same thing.
- Hey.
Um... your dog messed up my shot.
- Uh, I think he's telling me
I should pay for you to take another one.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, that's what... that's what he was saying.
- I promise.
I wouldn't... I wouldn't make it up,
but he's a good... he's got good ideas.
I could tell James felt different
about this human girl.
Maybe it was because she smelled like biscuits.
Or maybe it was because
something about her was special.
Excuse me. Do you know where we can get some food around here?
As I was saying,
James thought he was helping this girl,
but the truth is she was helping him.
Oh, fuck this bullshit.
Wait, what is he doing?
I've seen this shit before.
He's one of those narrator dogs.
Hey! No one's listening to your lame human story,
you fucking dumbass.
Sadly, the little dog was right.
No one was listening to my story.
Which is too bad because I'm the only one
who knows James is a cold-blooded serial killer.
He's got three bodies buried in the backyard already,
but I guess no one's interested.
I can't believe that dog.
He was so obsessed with his owner
he didn't even acknowledge us.
I'm-a tell you, kid,
the moment they leash you up, snip your balls
is the moment they got you by 'em.
Hold on. They snip your balls?
- Oh, yeah. - Ugh.
And I think they're collecting those, too,
- to put in the chocolate. Come on!
- Get your hot dogs here! - Oh, shit. Look.
- I got jumbo dogs! - Okay, here's the plan.
You grab the sausages, and I'll go over there
and fuck the guy's leg as a distraction.
And... break!
Uh, I don't think fucking the guy's leg is necessary,
but I see you've already started. All right.
- Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- Bunny! You won!
- I can't believe I won! - Yeah!
Oh, look at that toy bunny.
You know, it hasn't even been a day yet,
but I really miss toys.
Jenna had some good ones.
I'd rip that shit apart
until I found that squeaky toy in the middle.
Ugh, I miss squeaky toys, too.
But, of course, I only got to play
with those squeak toys if I was a good girl
and I smiled the right way for her stupid freaking selfies.
The amount of work that goes into looking cute.
Honestly, I had to go spin around
in a perfect circle like this,
move into a "oh, I'm so fuckable" pose
with my paws crossed,
and then I'd have to stand up straight, paws up.
I have to show all my tits.
Yeah, right, that-- yeah, that's pretty fuckable.
I mean, uh, that-that... that's-that's weird.
Wait, uh, there they are.
You know, Maggie, there's, um...
there's so much more to like about you than just your looks.
- You think so? - Sure.
I-I mean, you are hands down
the best sniffer I've ever met.
- Huh. - But you're also smart
and you can jump high
and you know like nine human words.
That's insane.
I actually know 31, but thank you.
Honestly, I-I'd have to list about 20 more things
before I even got to anything to do with
how beautiful you are.
Um...
I'm sorry, that was too much.
No, that-that means a lot to me.
You know, you're a really good listener.
Oh, that's because all the sound
funnels through the cone right to my ears.
No, I didn't...
- Never mind. - Wait, wait. What?
Have you ever thought about... about taking the cone off
for a little while just to... just to see?
No.
I bet you'd look really handsome.
Really?
Yeah.
BUG That's how you do it, Reg, baby.
That was awesome!
Oh, wait a minute. Okay, what's this vibe?
- Oh, no. - Oh, nothing.
- Yeah, what vibe? - Nothing.
- What vibe? - There is no vibe.
Your boner implies that there's a vibe.
Oh, uh, well, you know, that's because our friendship...
got me erect.
Yeah, it was a friend boner.
Then why don't you get boners for us?
I mean, uh, are we not your friends?
What? No, no, you guys get me hard all the time.
Hunter, that's about the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Speaking of boners, how about some sausages?
We took 'em from a human.
You stole these from a human? What if someone saw?
Relax. Grow back some testicles.
- Ain't nobody saw.
God saw!
God sees everything!
- Run!
- We're under attack! - Save yourselves!
We got to find cover!
The whole fucking place is gonna blow!
Move! Move!
Oh, God!
We're all gonna die!
Mama!
- Wow.
- Duck! -Stay low!
- They got us surrounded! - Go, go, go!
- Run! - They're coming after us!
This way! Hurry!
It's so loud inside the cone!
- Oh, shit. - No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - We got to get over.
We got to dig. We got to dig!
Dig. Dig faster.
Hunter, Maggie, help us dig.
- What? What's going on? - Come on, Maggie, dig!
- You said you love digging. - I lied!
- I hate digging! - There we go.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, I hate how the dirt feels under my nails!
Wait, wait. Guys, I'm stuck!
My bandanna's stuck!
Aah!
- Oh, no. - Reggie!
- Reggie, no! - Reggie, come on, buddy.
Maggie, Hunter, help me out.
No, no, no, no. Get out of here.
It-It's too late for me.
Listen to me. It's not too late.
No. Save yourself.
And tell Doug I wanted to bite his dick off.
Bite it for me, if you can.
Look at me. You're gonna live,
and you're gonna bite that dick yourself.
Hunter, the fence!
Check this out.
Come on.
Holy shit, they have a bomb!
- Come on, Reggie. - Come on.
I'm almost free. I'm almost free.
- Come on, Reggie! - Aah!
Aah! Come on, let's go!
Let's move, move, move, move!
Come on, guys, let's go!
Oh, well, uh...
You guys want to kiss a little?
- Oh, my God! Holy shit.
Guys, that was crazy.
I feel like now I need an emotional support dog.
Bug, (laughs) you looked like you were gonna shit yourself.
I did. I literally did that.
Oh, God. -HUNTER: He did. I stepped in it.
- Reg, you okay?
Uh, it's nothing. I-I...
It's just, you guys risked your life for me.
Bug, you saved me.
I never thought anyone would do that.
Of course we would. Come on.
You're part of the pack, Reggie.
- We stick together. That's right.
I've never been part of a pack before.
Well, you are now.
I didn't even know that was a thing.
- We'll make it a thing.
Yeah.
So, I kind of have a weird idea.
Could... could we maybe...
pee on each other?
Say what, now?
Well, you said that
when you pee on something that it's yours.
I just thought that, since we're all,
like, friends now, we could...
Pee on each other so we belong to each other?
Yeah.
That was a stupid idea.
Jenna would be so mad if I came home covered in urine.
- Let's fucking do it. Oh, we're doing it.
Okay. Why don't we, like, do, like, a circle thing?
Yeah, and let's just lift our left leg. -Starboard side.
Yeah, lift our left leg, and then we'll... -There we go.
- Oh, good, I get to pee on Bug. - Yeah, that's good.
Whoa.
You know, this isn't just warming my body.
It's warming my heart.
Aw. Wow.
I guess this makes us family now.
- Yeah, we're BFFs. Yeah.
Even better. We're Pee-FFs.
Pee-FFs! I love it.
- Yeah. Love that. Oh, Bug!
You look happy.
What are you talking about, I look happy?
I'm just smiling because we're all sitting here
pissing on each other, so I just...
I cracked a smile. It's not an emotional thing.
- Nah, you love us. You love us!
Okay, that's it. -HUNTER: Yeah, that's right. You do.
- That's my cue to go to bed. - Oh, come on, Bug.
Look, listen, listen, we got a lot of walking to do
and not much time to do it.
Let's get some sleep.
H-H-Ho-Hold on one second.
- Go back the other way. - Better the other way.
Try sniffing the ground. H-Have you tried sniffing the ground?
- Fucked that one up. - You got to reset yourself.
- Yeah, you go back 90 degrees. - Fucked that one up, too.
- You were so close. Now sit down.
- That'll do. That'll do. - All right, finally, good.
- Time for bed. Yeah. Okay. Let's get some sleep.
And a quick turn.
- Time to go to sl... - Wait. Hang on. -One turn.
- Two turns. Three turns. Oh, God.
Bug's really fucked with my head. I don't know...
- There. Five,
- four, three, two, one. Again. Again. Okay.
Okay, okay, now I'm ready.
Easy.
And... down.
I'm getting much faster at that.
- Good night, everyone. - Good night, Reg.
- Good night, Reggie. - And, uh, thanks again
for letting me pee on you guys.
- Reggie? - Yeah?
Could you just stop fucking talking, please?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Okay.
Okay, guys. Big day today.
Next up is the giant cone.
I don't know what kind of cone we're gonna find out here.
It can't be too hard to find. It's gigantic.
All I see is trees, but whatever.
Hey, mate, have you thought about how you're gonna do it?
Uh, sorry. D-Do what?
- Bite Doug's dick off. - Oh.
Were you thinking lengthwise or tip-to-shaft?
Gosh, I don't know. I-I've never bitten off a dick before.
I guess I'll let it just come to me in the moment.
So, at what point of this trip are you gonna build up
a little BDE and make a move, huh?
With Maggie? -Yes, Mag... No, with this mossy stump.
What the fuck you think I'm talking about?
No way. She wouldn't go for me.
I mean, maybe a door opens up down the road,
but for now we're just friends.
Wh-What are you talking about, opening up doors?
We don't have thumbs.
You got to knock the fucking door down.
Yeah, but who would want to date
a failed police dog who wears a cone 24/7?
Oh, come on, dude. Girls date losers all the time.
You know, Reggie, that you don't have to do it, right?
What are you talking about? Of course I do.
I'm gonna get all over that dick.
Chomp, chomp, chomp. Mmm!
Yeah, but you could just, you know, move on from Doug,
and then you wouldn't have to do anything to him at all.
You could always just let it go.
I-I'm not...
No, I'm not just gonna let it go.
All right, look,
you failed doggie school 'cause you was a wuss,
but there's nothing we can do about your past.
We might, however, be able to get that thing off your head.
- This? No, no, you can't. - Sure, we can.
If we all pull together, we could...
No, no, I mean, I-I need it.
I keep it on intentionally.
Wait, really? I just assumed
it was, like, you know, a medical thing.
Oh, it is.
I-I'll do anything to keep it on.
And most self-inflicted injuries will do the trick.
You know, cat scratches, ear infection from the toilet,
lick my testicles for hours and hours
until the humans get concerned.
But it's worth it. I get anxious sometimes,
and the cone helps me block things out.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, uh, nothing. You know, same old, same old.
I'm telling him he's got to get
- that big dick energy. - Bug.
Well, you got the first part down.
Aw, thanks for complimenting my penis, Maggie.
You know, your vagina's huge, too.
- Seriously? - Shit. Why did I say that?
Hey, Reg, let me ask you something.
Yeah? - How sure are you
that the big cone is this way?
I don't know, on a scale of sure to not sure,
pretty sure...
...that I'm not really sure. That I'm sure of.
- Holy shit. We're lost. Ah, great.
- I knew this would happen. - Hey, calm down, Bug.
We'll figure it out. This could be a lot worse.
Oh, really, Hunter? I'm starving,
we're completely fucking lost, and my little puppy paw pads
are really hurting right now,
so how exactly could this get worse?
Huh? How could it? Tell me, huh?
How could it get worse?
- Oh, oh, oh!
Bug! -Why did I say it could get a lot worse?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, please, please, please don't drop me.
- Don't eat me. None of that! Bug!
That eagle has some good timing.
Bug! Hold on, buddy!
Reg, Reggie, guys, help me.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind bringing you lower!
What? What are you talking about?
- I don't speak bird. - We're in a real pickle!
Help, help, help. Do something. Somebody do something.
Oh! Oh, God!
Fuck!
Yes! No! Shit, this is fucking crazy.
- We're going higher. Hold on, buddy.
Reggie! Bug!
Oh, wow, your balls look huge from this angle.
Thank you, but holy fuck!
That is a golden-cheeked warbler.
I've been missing that one.
Uh...
Check.
Holy shit.
That is the craziest thing I have ever seen.
And I'm Dennis Quaid,
and Dennis Quaid has seen some shit.
- Let me down, bitch! - Bug, look! Over there!
- The giant cone! - What?
The giant cone! Oh, the cone.
Well, shit, that would be great news
if we weren't stuck to this fucking bird.
Bug, I got an idea. Hang on!
- Reg, what are you doing?
Oh, God.
That's bold. It's too bold.
Here we go!
- Well, shit. Ow! - Aah!
Fuck! Not again!
Reggie! Bug!
Aah! Help! Aah! Branch!
Shit! Fuck! Oh! Smaller branch!
Wow, they're hitting a worst-case-scenario
amount of branches.
Paws, paws, paws, paws, paws!
Tail!
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I did not mean to barge in like this.
- What, are you guys wrestling?
Shit!
Bug!
- Reggie! You're alive!
Fuck, got a stick up my ass.
Well, Hunter was right.
That could've been worse.
Just get the fuck out of the bush.
Reggie, you are once again a legend.
Guys, that was epic.
Fucking leaves. Get off me.
Guys, you wouldn't believe it.
- We saw the giant cone. What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did, we did.
- Really? - That's amazing.
Yeah, that means we're heading in the right direction.
Yeah, a-and not to be cheesy,
but being up in the sky like that
just moments from my death,
I-I learned something about life.
- Wh-What's that? - What?
Birds don't have genitals.
Well, then how do they...
I don't know.
Maybe they have both parts inside.
So, if you were to say, "Go fuck yourself,"
they could actually do it.
Um, okay, then.
So, hey, next up is the devil in the sky.
Howling.
Come on, guys, we're over halfway there.
Hey, my howl's getting better. You guys hear that?
- Hey, man, uh... - Yeah?
I really appreciate what you did up there.
I mean, no need to pee on each other
or anything like that, but thanks.
Of course. We're Pee-FFs.
We stick together.
All right, all right, all right. Enough.
Put your tongue back in your mouth.
Okay, okay. Never have I ever gone down on a girl dog.
Really? Seriously?
You guys lick your balls all day.
Oh, no, no, no. That's different.
That's different.
H-How is it different? It's way different.
Yeah. Bones to biscuits.
I can't believe that I'm the only one.
What, you went down on a...
I was experimenting.
- Come on, I was in my twos. Ah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's the twos.
Oh, like a Rumspringa.
♪ Living in this big blue world... ♪
Okay, I got one. Would you rather eat poop or...
BUG, HUNTER and MAGGIE: Eat poop.
Definitely eat poop.
Okay. But I didn't even get to...
It doesn't matter. I like poop.
So, question. When dogs have sex from behind...
Okay, okay.
- ...what's the style? That's just called
- regular style. Regular style.
I mean, is there another style,
or do we only have one style?
I only know one style of fucking,
and I've been doing it my whole life.
Then what's human style?
In human style, the boy pretends to be the dog
and the girl pretends to be the couch.
It's very complicated.
Wow, that is complicated.
Every species is different.
♪ Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate... ♪
All right, I've got a joke.
- Knock, knock.
No, no, no. You got to ask, "Who's there?"
Oh, oh, okay. Got it, got it.
Knock, knock.
Guys, stop! You won't even let me get to the joke part.
Later, Maggie. Somebody's at the door.
Nothing funny about a stranger at the door.
Ugh, you guys are fucking morons.
♪ I know I'll be A-O, A-OK... ♪
You guys got anything yet?
Nah. Man, and I'm starving.
Anything edible over there?
Like a buffalo chicken pizza?
Nah, just squirrel poops.
Ah, nah, I can't eat no more of that shit.
You know what, that goes right through me.
Hey, I think I got something.
What do you got?
- What are those? - Kind of looks like food.
I-I don't... I don't know.
Mmm. Oh, it's not too bad.
I'm down to clown.
Mmm. How many of these should we eat?
Mm, all of them? Yeah, that makes sense.
These are so good. Mmm.
Ooh, this one's spicy.
Kind of nutty, right?
All right.
That should hold us.
Solid dinner.
Mmm. All right, let's get moving.
Oh, shit. Uh, give me a sec.
Whoa, whoa.
What the fuck?
Hunter, your cone.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. I should probably take it off.
No, no. It's growing.
Oh, my God.
Bug. - No.
FEMALE VOICE Bug...
Can't be.
Dolores.
Hello, Bug.
What you doing out here?
We need to talk.
Wait, Maggie. You look different.
Really?
Oh, shit. You look different, too.
- How so? - Um, you kind of...
Is it my human hands?
Hey, do you think I could play piano now?
Definitely.
Doug?
Hey, Reggie.
Doug!
How's it going?
Not great.
Just giving it one last shave,
'cause word on the street is you're planning to bite it off.
Oh, that was supposed to be a surprise.
Who told you?
- Sorry, Daddy. - Oh!
My son, the gnome.
- We're done, Bug. - What?
- I'm seeing someone else now. - Who?
You kidding me? Him?
Hey, go fuck yourself, man!
I actually can. I have both parts!
Dolores, come back!
He yelled to the sky.
But what Bug didn't realize...
Oh, fuck you, narrator dog.
He said.
Stop saying, "He said."
He replied.
I always had such high hopes for you, Reggie.
I just wanted you to be a...
good boy.
All I ever wanted was to be a good boy.
Goodbye, Reggie.
Wait! Doug, come back!
Oh, whoa. What's that smell?
- What? Wh-What?
It's coming from over here.
Hunter, are you seeing this?
HUNTER and MAGGIE: Toys!
Guys, get in here. Get over here.
Reg, Reg! Pull this one with me.
- It's squishy! - Oh, fluffy!
I can't feel my snout.
Oh, there's toys everywhere!
Oh, I don't want this day to ever end.
Yeah. Me, neither.
Morning, guys.
Comfy?
Oh, shit. I thought you were Dolores.
My bad. I got to go pee.
What's that by your feet, Reggie?
My feet?
What are you talking about? What is that?
Yeah, what is that?
Oh, my God. That's an ear.
- An ear? - Holy fucking shit.
They were toys. Guys, where are the goddamn toys?
This is not real. This is not real.
Th-This is real.
This is real. Oh, my God!
We killed 'em!
I'm gonna barf.
Oh, God. There's fur in the barf.
We're fucking murderers! Oh, my God, now I'm gonna barf.
Holy fuck. Holy fuck. This can't be happening.
Hang in there. Stay with me.
I-I'll fix you.
Bug, what are you doing?
What it look like I'm doing?
I'm getting rid of the evidence. Nobody can know!
Um, we are gathered here today to say goodbye to the bunnies.
Honestly, what we did was an accident.
- Absolutely. - Mm-hmm. -Right.
And I know that if we weren't confused from the food we ate
we would have never mauled you, tore all your limbs off
and shook your corpses around while giggling gleefully...
by accident.
So, bless you, bunnies.
- Yes. Sorry. - Bless you.
- So sorry. - Sorry.
- Amen. - All right, that's it.
Never speak of this again.
Not one word, you hear me?
Not one fucking word.
- Not one word about what? - Oh, shit. The cops.
"Oh, shit" is right, motherfucker.
Wait, wh-what did we do? We're innocent. I promise.
- Sit! - I am.
On the ground. Lay down, paws where I can see 'em.
- We are laying down. - Search these bitches.
They're hiding something.
- Oh, God. What do we do? - Calm down. I got this.
I'm-a speak with my white dog voice.
Hello, Officer.
None of us have ever killed
- a bunny in our lives. - MAGGIE, REGGIE, HUNTER: Bug!
What? Everybody, shut the fuck up.
We're looking for a lost Girl Scout, Riley Anderson,
age eight in human years.
Wandered away from her campsite two days ago.
Thought you dogs might have some contact with her.
I've got nothing, sir.
But it smells like you haven't. Let's move out.
Wait, wait. I could help.
I'm sorry, I don't really want to be that bitch,
but I'm actually really good at sniffing,
and I'd be happy to assist in finding this lost girl.
Adorable. Yeah, no, thanks, Australian shep-turd.
Excuse me, but you really shouldn't
talk to her like that.
And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?
I-I will do nothing the fuck about it.
I am sitting down now.
Oh, Hunter.
Hunter?
Rolf?
Holy mother-flipping shit!
I didn't recognize you with the cone.
Yeah, yeah, I got a cone now.
Bring it in, bro.
- Buddy! - Give us some.
God, hey, well, I should've known,
'cause your butthole smells exactly the same.
You know, I'll never forget this butthole.
- The fuck? - You know this guy?
You kidding me?
This fucker and I went to the academy together.
Everything I know, I learned from this son of a bitch.
Technically, we're all sons of bitches, sir.
Shut up.
Hey, so where'd you end up, brother?
Drug sniffing, bomb detection? What are we talking about?
Oh, um, well, I take care of dying humans.
Oh. Well, I mean, that's not the end of the world, I guess.
Well, for them it is.
Well, hey, guys.
You found some strays, Rolf?
Huh? Good job.
So, what are you fuckers doing out here, huh?
Oh, uh, well, it's a long story.
We're gonna bite a guy's dick off.
It's actually a short story.
Nice. Man, when I joined the force,
you could bite dicks left and right.
Nowadays, I chomp a dick,
I got to fill out two weeks of paperwork.
Can I get an AC unit down to Old Forest Road 54?
We're trying to get to the devil in the sky.
Does that sound familiar?
Devil in the sky? Yeah.
You stick with us, we'll show you the way.
- Wow. Really? - Sure thing, rat boy.
Let's not wait so long next time, huh?
What's it been, seven years?
I think just one, but every year
feels like seven to us, so that makes sense.
Okay, listen. We got to get our story straight.
- Uh-huh. - It was a possum
who killed all the bunnies, got it?
Wait, what's the possum's name?
Uh, Greg.
That's not a believable name for a possum.
Ooh, can it be Monty?
- Hey, Cath. - Steve. Thanks for coming over.
Hey, little guy. Want a treat?
Treats! I love treats!
Oh, my goodness. Does somebody want a treat?
This one's all for you. I got tons of treats.
Reggie, it's a trap!
- Hey!
Hey, hey! Those bunnies were dead when we found 'em!
It was a possum named, uh, Greg or-or...
Monty! His name was Monty, not Greg!
No choice. They threatened us!
But, Rolf, I thought we were pals.
Sorry, old friend. The law's the law.
You know how it is.
What a sadistic fuck.
Hey, calm down, sweetie pie. You'll all be fine.
You got tags, they'll send you home.
- Whoa, fresh meat. - Hey, big boy.
- I like the mouth on that one. - Mm, we gonna cuddle real hard!
Hey, bitch. Hey, little bitch. -
Guys, we got to get out of here.
We're running out of time.
- Where even are we? - Nowhere good.
No, no, no, no, no. I can't be here.
I can't. Not this again.
Come on, mate. We'll be fine.
Yeah, Rolf told us they'll just send us home.
- It'll be all right. - They only send you home
if you got a home to go back to.
And do you know what these people do
to dogs that don't have one, Hunter? Huh?
Do you have any idea what they're about to do to me?
What they're about to do to Reg?
Calm down, Bug. We'll figure this out.
There ain't nothing to figure out, Maggie.
These humans caught us, and now we are fucked!
Bug, you don't know that.
Yeah. Uh, I mean, Bug,
you say you know so much about humans,
but you don't really know them, either.
I mean, you've never had an owner.
You never had a Jenna.
You never had a Doug.
I had an Emma.
- What?
Whoa, Bug.
You had an owner?
Yeah.
And I told myself that I would never say her name again,
but y'all need to hear this.
- No. - No? Okay.
I don't remember everything,
but I remember the day she got me out of there.
- This one.
He's a cute little bugger.
Cute little bug.
♪ When we were on top... ♪
We did everything together.
We played all day,
and no matter how stupid I acted,
- she always laughed.
Trick or treat.
We even did this thing I hated
where she would dress us up in super weird clothes
and ask the neighbors to give us that chocolate
- humans make from dog poop. - Oh, oh, not for you, honey.
It's okay. It's just a storm.
But even better than all the fun we had
is, uh, the way she made me feel.
I love you.
When she said that, I felt so special.
And then it was usually followed by
these incredible belly scratches.
No one ever made my leg kick like that.
Except for this one night with this raccoon
I don't like to talk about, but, uh... anyway. -
But then I made a mistake.
It was a blur.
I didn't even know what I did until it was too late.
Say goodbye to Bug.
I thought I was getting put in time-out or something,
but... but the place she sent me to...
...the time-outs there never end.
Whoa!
I never saw her again.
After all we had been through-- everything she made me feel,
everything I thought I made her feel--
just nothing.
We did so much together.
She taught me so many tricks.
But the one trick she never wanted me to learn was: stay.
I think I zoned out around the middle part.
Can you tell the middle part again?
Hunter, I'm not gonna tell the middle part again.
I'm sorry, Bug. I had no idea.
Don't be sorry, Reg. Be thankful.
'Cause you got a chance to make this right.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to bite this girl in the dick.
But, you know, she's six, and I don't know where she lives now,
and she's a girl and doesn't even have a dick, but still.
Listen, what we're doing isn't just about Doug.
We're doing this for all of them.
For every single one of those humans
who treated us like shit.
Man, biggest mistake of my life.
Yeah. I'd regret that bite, too.
The bite? No.
I'm talking about her.
She's the mistake, not the...
Okay, well, we can talk about
getting back at your exes all we want,
but none of that matters if we can't get out of here.
Guys, what if we can get the key?
Oh, no.
We'd need, like, a super long pole to hook it.
Why is everyone looking at me?
Come on, Hunter, you can do it.
Dude, you're so close.
Just a little more.
Come on, get hornier. You can do it.
This is all I got.
Maggie, come on. Excite him.
Hunter, this has been
a really long, hard trip,
but the thing that keeps me panting
is thinking about us doing it, regular style.
Oh, boy. It-It's working.
Keep talking, Maggie. More sexy stuff.
Just picture me,
all eight nipples rock hard,
and I'm wearing nothing but... the cone.
You're doing it, Hunter!
Come on, Hunter.
Use that dick of yours.
Yes, Hunter!
Hunter! Hunter!
Hunter! Hunter! Hunter! Hunter!
Hunter!
Sorry, guys. It's hopeless.
Ugh. Hunter.
Shit. Really thought that was gonna work.
Sorry my dick let you down.
Wait. I've got it.
What's the one thing humans are obsessed with?
Uh, themselves.
- Painting their faces. - Dying.
No. Bug, you said it yourself.
What's the thing humans are most obsessed with about dogs?
- Our shit. - Yes.
Every single time we shit, what do they do?
They come and bag it up.
- Yeah. - That's right. Once this place
gets all poopy, Willy comes in and bags it up
like he's collecting it for something. -OTHERS: Mm-hmm.
- Exactly. For chocolate.
And that's our ticket out of here.
We poop until he has to open these doors,
and when he does, we charge.
Good idea, Reg. - Nice thinking, kid. I'm in.
And I got a couple of shits in the chamber.
- No thanks, kid.
What's wrong with you guys?
Don't you want to get out of this place?
Of course. But we've been burned so many times
we're smart enough to know
that we'll never get beyond these walls
without a human coming to adopt us.
Look, I get it.
I've had dark moments.
Moments where I felt stuck.
Moments where, even if you couldn't see it,
felt like there was a wall or a fence holding you back.
Yeah, invisible magic fences. I swear to God, that's real.
But I'm here to tell you that's garbage talk.
'Cause I was lucky enough to meet some amazing friends
who taught me that just beyond those walls
is a bunch of incredible stuff worth living for.
There's lampposts to pee on.
There's scraps to eat and couches to make love to.
And dead bunnies that...
- I-I know nothing about.
Yeah, I know nothing about that, either.
Got no clue what you're talking about on that one.
And tennis balls to fetch, and...
A dick to bite off.
What? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That, too.
But most importantly, there's a life out there worth living.
Whoo! Reggie! Go, Reg!
So I'm asking you, do you want to stay here and die,
or do you want to shit your brains out and live?
Live!
We want to live!
Then poop with me!
Poop with me to freedom!
♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit ♪
- ♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit ♪ - ♪ Are you ready for this? ♪
- ♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit ♪ - ♪ Oh... ♪
Dig deep inside of you, deep inside your colon.
Release your pent-up feelings.
Let it flow.
♪ When I come to the club ♪
- ♪ Step aside ♪ - ♪ Oh, shit ♪
♪ Part the seas, don't be havin' me in the line ♪
♪ Oh, shit... ♪
Great work, everybody. Keep on pooping.
- ♪ And me love you long time ♪ - ♪ Oh, shit ♪
♪ How come every time you come around ♪
♪ My London, London Bridge wanna go down? ♪
♪ Like London, London, London, be goin' down like. ♪
Those are my eyes.
Exactly.
I think Dad's really gonna love this.
I think it's working. Places, everyone.
Oh... oh, God.
I can taste it. Oh.
What?
Oh, fuck.
Very cute.
Very funny.
I see what's going on here.
You guys think that I am
a big fat fucking asshole, right?
You know everything about me.
You know all the things that have happened in my life
with my dad and my ex-wife.
Bravo. Bravo.
Oh, encore!
Just kidding. It's done.
We are done!
- Wait, what are you...
Oh, my God. Wh-Whoa.
Charge!
Ah, we did it!
I can't believe we shit that much!
Hunter's dick! Hunter's dick!
To hell with you!
Thanks for your patience, folks.
Really.
Ooh. I'm sorry, Diane.
Uh... uh...
"Then poop with me to freedom."
- So cheesy, but I loved it. - What a plan.
What a speech, Reg.
Actually, Reginald, I preferred the first speech.
You know, the one where you convinced all of us to do this,
back when you were focused on biting Doug's dick off.
Bug. - Okay, okay, Bug, look...
Oh, look!
The devil in the sky. We made it.
Look at that fucking guy!
Burn in hell, you motherfucking son of a bitch.
I hate everything about him.
That dumbass smile, those shitty pants.
I want to rip your nuts off and make you watch!
Stupid hat and your stupid truck
with the door on the other side of the thing.
I hate his face.
I hate his personality. I hate his bag.
He smells like a thousand different houses,
and I can't trust that.
Anyways, good job, guys. The final landmark.
- Yeah. That's right. - And right on schedule.
Yeah, barely. You remember which way to go from here?
Uh, yeah, we just... we just stay on this road for now.
Good. Let's move.
- All right. Great.
W-Wait, wait, wait.
One second. Can't leave yet.
- Huh? - What's up, Reg?
Where is it?
Oh, there.
All right. Let's go, guys.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on a second.
Why couldn't you leave without the ball, Reggie?
I don't know. I-I just like tennis balls.
I know ball guys. You're not a ball guy.
Well, you don't know everything about me.
Well, I'm learning a little more right now.
Drop the ball, Reg.
What? No.
Drop the fucking ball.
- Leave it. - I'm not gonna leave the ball.
- Drop the ball! - No.
Reggie, you drop that goddamn ball!
- No. - You don't even like balls!
Doug likes balls!
- Doug?
Oh, Reg.
I don't know why, but he does.
And when we play the game fetch-and-fuck,
it always ends when I come home and bring him back a ball.
So I know he's expecting it, and I'm not gonna let him down.
- Goddamn it. - So, when you told me
you didn't know how you were gonna bite Doug in the dick,
the real reason you don't know is because...
You're not gonna bite Doug in the dick. -
Look, when we first set out, I was totally into the plan.
But the closer we got to Doug,
the more I realize that I miss him.
And I think he misses me, too.
Reggie, don't do this.
You deserve so much better than him.
I don't, Hunter.
I really don't.
You know why Doug abandoned me?
Because I was the problem in our relationship.
I ate his shoes.
I woke him up so early every day
because I needed to pee.
And I pooped on the rug.
We've all pooped on the rug, Reggie.
Oh, did you roll in it, Maggie? Did you roll in the poop?
Because guess what, I rolled in the poop.
Okay, that's not great.
God, I can't believe it took me this long
to realize this-- that every time he called me a bad dog,
he was absolutely right.
It was all my fault.
Wow.
Well, I'm not gonna be a bad dog anymore.
It's time for me to be a good boy.
Jesus, I cannot believe that I risked my life for this asshole
just so he could go back and get with another asshole.
I did all of this for you, Reggie.
You didn't do this for me.
You said it yourself-- this isn't about Doug.
This is about every single one of them
who treated us like shit.
This is about Emma.
- Reggie. - Fuck you.
Hey, how about rule number three, Bug?
You're on your own?
Well, then what were we?
Wow. -I don't think you really want to be a stray.
I think you're sad and lonely.
Can you believe this fucking guy?
And I think the only reason you claim to hate humans
is because, if you ever stop to think about what happened,
you'd realize that Emma didn't fuck it up; you did.
Get the fuck away from me.
Believe me, I-I fucked up with my owner, too,
so thank you for helping me realize I was the problem.
Only difference is I have a chance to fix it
and not end up like you.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
- Guys, guys, stop. - Guys, stop it.
- Guys! -Guys, come on. - Come on!
- Give me this fucking thing. - Give it back!
- Bug. Guys.
Doug gave me that! Give that back!
- I know he did. - No!
Stop it. Stop. Bug, don't do that.
That's what I think about you and your owner.
Go fuck yourself, Reggie!
You two deserve each other.
- Reggie, don't do this! - Reg.
I hope he's already left without you.
Man.
I really thought my dick was gonna hook those keys.
Um, but this is also a bummer.
Bug, we can't go back.
Sure, we can.
The devil in the sky, cone, hamster wheel,
just in the opposite order of how we came.
No dead bunnies this time.
Bug, she means we can't leave him like this.
First off, Hunter, we didn't leave him.
He left us.
Second, we don't know the rest of the way
back to Doug's place anyway.
And third, I'm not just gonna hang around here
and let some dickless bird
swoop in on my girlfriend while I'm gone.
- What? - Look,
if there's one thing that the asshole got right,
it's that I have been wasting my time with you guys.
I'm a stray, and I should start acting like one.
- Wait, where are you going? - I don't know.
- I'm about to go do some nunya. - What's nunya?
- Nunya fucking business! Oh, yeah,
I walked right into that one.
Let's go home, Hunter.
Talking about I'm lonely. Talking about I'm scared.
Fuck does he think he's talking about?
I'm-a tell you right now, I ain't lonely,
and I damn sure ain't scared.
Fuck you, leaf.
End up like me?
I pissed on two cars and three houses last week.
That's right, I'm a three-year-old dog,
and I'm already a homeowner.
I'm living the motherfucking dream, hmm?
And I'm not scared to be alone.
Matter of fact, I ain't scared of anything.
Who's that?
Don't come closer.
I-I, uh... I'm crazy. I fuck trash!
Nope, not doing this.
Just walk away, Bug.
Little girls like Emma suck, and you know it.
Don't listen to her, man. Don't listen to her.
Another fucking narcissist
putting her needs above your own.
You've been down this fucking road before, man.
Just... just...
Goddamn it.
Hey there.
What are you doing out here all alone?
Did you get lost like me?
It's gonna be okay.
Holy shit. Wait!
You're the girl that everyone's looking for.
Holy shit.
I found her! I found her!
S-Somebody, please help!
I found the girl!
- That's Bug. - Bug! Where are you?
Let's go.
I see him!
I can't believe you found the girl.
Oh, my God, Bug.
Come on. We got to get her some help. She's in bad shape.
Help! Over here! Over here!
We found her! Help!
- Help! Help! - Rolf, you dickhead! Help!
Lost kid! Let's move!
- Over here! - Rolf! -Help!
- Here they come. Over here.
Munchkin, check the girl.
Hell of a job, Hunter and small dogs.
- Didn't know you had it in you. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Riley!
Riley, here you are. Good dog. Good dog.
You're okay.
I'm not even gonna ask
how you ended up back in these woods.
All I'll ask is: How can I repay you?
You can help save my best friend.
Oh, what am I gonna say? What am I gonna say?
Okay, I should probably rehearse this.
Hey, Doug.
Hey, shitbag.
What have you been up to?
Mostly masturbating.
Oh, cool. Classic Doug.
So, I owe you an apology.
Okay.
You were totally right
to ditch me in that alley.
I mean, I was terrible.
Agreed.
But I was wondering, um,
if we could maybe make some changes when I'm back.
Like, maybe we could do walks now
and possibly increase pee breaks to twice a day
and maybe, if you feel like it, you could call me a...
a good boy every once in a while.
Ugh, this is stupid.
What you mean, you can't track him down?
You're sniff dogs. That's what you do, right?
Yeah, come on, Rolf, they taught us that.
It's impossible.
We can't track him without knowing his scent first.
Did you get any whiff of him yesterday, Munchkin?
Nothing I can recall, sir.
- Wait! The bandanna! - Come again.
We can get his scent from the bandanna.
- Let's go! Let's go! - Nice, Maggie.
Rolf? Hey, Rolf!
- There it is! There! There it is!
There it is!
Way to go, Maggie.
Halt!
Good God, what's that smell?
Can you smell Reggie off that thing?
I'm not getting any dog off of this, sir.
Just a lot of urine.
- Oh, huh. Oh, wow. - Huh.
- That's, uh, weird. - It was Bug.
And from the same patterns, I can tell
this was a very small pee stream,
indicative of a dog with an unbelievably tiny penis.
- Again, Bug. - It ain't indicative of shit.
If anything, it is indicative of a well-shaped,
sensual penis that transcends dick size.
Lots of TDU-- tiny dick urine-- over here.
It would take a miracle to pick up
any dog scent off of that thing.
There you are. What's gotten into you guys?
Fuck are you doing?
You'll taint the smell!
I'm doing your job.
Now, back the fuck off, Adolf.
- Adolf? - It's 'cause you're
a German shep... Oh, whatever.
I get it now. Hitler reference.
Go, Maggie. Go, Maggie.
I'm picking up...
bitches of the night, pizza, vomit pizza,
hot dogs, all of our pee,
- eagle feathers, Dennis Quaid?
Squirrel sex, dead bunnies that I know nothing about,
Hunter's boner, oh, lots of shit,
a tiny Boston terrier dick and...
Reggie! I got him.
- Yes, Maggie. - Let's move!
Come on, let's go!
Thanks, Rolf!
Except for when you fucked us over!
Good luck, soldiers.
And sorry I'm such a fucking asshole!
I should really work on myself.
Oh, thanks for shitting on the carpet.
The fuck are you thinking, huh?
Oh, you're such a stupid little piece of shit.
Can you just leave me the fuck alone?
Bad dog!
That's what you fucking sound like, you piece of shit.
Okay, one last shit on the carpet, and then I'm out.
Hey, Doug.
Fuck.
It's me, Reggie.
A-And look, I-I know you can't understand
what I'm saying right now...
This is not happening.
...but I just want to say how I feel.
I know you didn't like me.
I mean, obviously.
You abandoned me in the street.
But just know that I did everything I could
to make you feel loved.
And I thought, if I loved you enough,
then maybe you would love me back.
But then I met new friends.
I met the sweetest big dog with just the nicest dick,
the most talented, baddest bitch in the world,
and the-the tiniest, scrappiest,
funniest best friend I could ever ask for.
Oh, and I met my son, too, who's a gnome, and we had sex.
But whatever.
The point is those friends showed me
what real love feels like,
and it's nothing like what we had.
Now I know that I wasn't a bad dog.
You were a bad man.
Bad man! Bad man!
Goodbye, Doug.
And fuck you.
Now, what do I got to do
to get you the fuck out of my life?
I mean, how do you not get it, man?
I drove you three hours away.
I mean, how could I make it any more clear
that I don't care about you?
I don't fucking love you.
Goodbye forever, shitbag.
Well, at least I found someone who loved me.
Pee-FFs forever.
Pee-FFs forever!
The fuck?
Who the hell are these dogs?
Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking dog movie in here.
Oh, yeah?
The fuck are you gonna do about it, cone boy?
Oh, shit.
Reggie, you okay?
Listen, Bug, I-I'm so sorry for what I said. I...
Don't worry about that right now.
Yeah, we've got a dick to rip off.
Get the fuck off me!
Fuck. What the...
Get off me! Let go! Goddamn it.
Ow! Fuck, my knee!
- Goddamn it!
Oh, you want some, huh?
Oh, goddamn it!
You little fuckers owe me a microwave!
Eat some foot!
Aah, my foot!
Shitbag.
Oh, fuck, my back!
Fuck! -Guys, we should get out of here.
Reggie!
Got you, you little shit.
Well, look at you.
You got yourself some friends?
Let me tell you furry fucks something.
Your little buddy here ruined my life.
Before him, I had a fucking good thing going.
A roof over my head, checks from my mom,
two girlfriends.
Now I have no house, no girlfriends,
and I have to masturbate all day.
All right, this dog turned me into a fucking loser!
Why's he talking so much?
You ever see the end of Marley & Me? Huh?
Yeah. Me, neither.
It's fucking boring.
But I do know that the dog dies in the end.
- I'm gonna enjoy
squeezing the life out of you.
Maggie, Hunter, get in position.
Got it. Copy.
'Cause you squeezed the life out of me.
Wait, what's happening?
What are they doing getting in a line like that? What...
Fuck you!
- ♪ We clawed, we chained ♪
♪ Our hearts in vain ♪
♪ We jumped, never asking why ♪
♪ We kissed, I fell under your spell ♪
♪ A love no one could deny ♪
♪ Don't you ever say... ♪
Bad fucking dog.
You're goddamn right.
♪ I came in like a wrecking ball ♪
♪ I never hit so hard in love ♪
♪ All I wanted was to break your walls ♪
♪ All you ever did was ♪
♪ Wre-e-eck me ♪
♪ Yeah, you, you wre-e-eck me ♪
♪ I put you high up in the sky ♪
♪ And now you're not coming down ♪
♪ It slowly turned, you let me burn ♪
♪ And now we're ashes on the ground ♪
♪ Don't you ever say I just walked away ♪
♪ I will always want you ♪
♪ I came in like a wrecking ball ♪
♪ Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung ♪
♪ Left me crashing in a blazing fall ♪
♪ All you ever did was wre-e-eck me ♪
♪ Yeah, you, you wre-e-eck me ♪
♪ I never meant to start a war ♪
♪ I just wanted you to let me in... ♪
Uh, yeah, we should probably leave.
Oh, yeah, we got to go right now?
I was kind of enjoying this.
♪ I guess I should've let you win... ♪
Yo, Reg, I got to be honest with you, man.
I ain't think you was gonna do that shit.
You really committed to that.
Yeah, that was more graphic than I was expecting.
That was almost too far.
You one-upped me, for sure.
I mean, I bit a girl's ankle.
You ripped a man's penis off.
Today is gonna be the best day ever.
How do I know that?
Because every day is the best day ever.
Hunter went back to his job at the old human home,
and he didn't even need his cone.
Hey, Cone of Shame.
Where's your lampshade?
Actually, Bubsy, I don't need that cone anymore,
just like I don't need any of your shit anymore.
Fuck you, Bubsy.
Wow. I had no idea you felt that way.
I'm sorry. I-I'm just gonna go.
Fuck your mother!
Fuck out of here!
And he finally found the courage
to let Maggie know how he feels about her.
And now they have sex all the time.
Regular style, of course.
Attaboy, Hunter.
Reminds me of when I was young.
You used to fuck dogs?
What?
And Maggie, well,
she finally got the owner she deserves.
Maggie's part of the detection squad now,
and she's the best sniffer on the team.
Oh, I love the costume you gave her.
So good.
Uniform. For work.
And Bug's the same old Bug.
With one pretty big exception.
He's changed his stance on people.
Or at least one very special person.
- ♪ And you're feeling down ♪
♪ You can follow me ♪
♪ And I'll show you how to love ♪
♪ To love... ♪
Sure, joining a family was a bit
of a learning experience for him.
Oh, baby, I love this.
Your cushions are so much tighter than Dolores's.
Now, what is this fabric? Faux suede?
Hey.
Oh, hey, Kevin.
Come on, buddy. No humping the couch.
Nothing will ever come between us.
Yep, life is pretty damn great.
So we'll see you guys tonight?
- Yep. - You know it.
Scraps night.
As for me, I chose to stay a stray,
and I couldn't be happier.
And for any dogs in need,
I'll be there to show them the ropes.
Hey there. I'm Reggie. You got a name?
Oh, hi. I'm-I'm Shitstain.
No. No, no, no. That's not your name. Trust me.
Rule number one of being a stray:
You want something, you pee on it.
And whatever you pee on is yours.
Oh. How about this lamppost?
- That's mine! - Oh. Okay.
Rule number two:
You can pretty much hump whatever you want.
- Cool! Sweet! - Awesome! Yes!
Rule number three is the most important rule, bar none:
You are not alone.
You know, I used to think my place
was by Doug's side, but now I know
my place is wherever I want it to be,
and I've never felt more at home.
'Cause I know a guy who lets me crash
whenever I want.
- Hey, loser. - Hey, fuckface.
Liam, the cute scruffy dog is back!
- Isn't this the life?
Who's a good boy?
You're a good boy.
Such a good boy.
I've learned a lot since Doug.
Sure, there are some bad people in this world,
but even Bug would agree-- the good ones are out there.
You just got to keep your eyes open.
Hey, kids.
I'll rip your fucking lungs out through your mouth!
- Fuck you, mailman! Fuck you! - Son of a bitch!
Oh, these guys have a lot of energy, don't they?
I'm-a eat your fucking nut sack... -You're a bad person!
Get out of here, you evil, evil little shit! -Aw.
I'll give you to the count of three,
and then I'm gonna jump this fence
- and skull-fuck you to death! - You stupid fucking evil devil!
You're just as bad as your friend in the sky! -One, two...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You smart. - You fuckwad, go! Go!
- You smart. - Go! Keep moving!
Smart move. Keep walking.
Don't even think about coming back here tomorrow.
- Fuck off! Yeah, bitch.
You don't want to get this guy angry.
I may be small, but you have no idea
what I'm capable of.
Just ask Doug!
I ripped the guy's cock off!
♪ This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas, now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas, now back to the Gz ♪
♪ It's one-nine-nine-trey, so let me just play ♪
♪ It's Snoop Dogg, I'm on the mic ♪
- ♪ I'm back with Dr. Dre ♪
♪ But this time I'm-a hit yo' ass with a touch ♪
♪ To leave motherfuckers in a daze, fucked up ♪
♪ So sit back, relax, new jacks get smacked ♪
♪ It's Snoop Doggy Dogg, I'm at the top of the stack ♪
♪ I don't lack for a second and I'm still checkin' ♪
♪ The dopest motherfucker that ya hearin' on the record ♪
♪ It's me, ya see, S-N-double-O-P ♪
♪ D-O-double-G-Y, the D-O-double-G ♪
♪ I'm fly as a falcon soarin' through the sky ♪
♪ And I'm high till I dizzie, rizzide ♪
♪ So check it, I get busy, I make your head dizzy ♪
♪ I blow up your mouth like I was Dizzy Gillespie ♪
♪ I'm crazy, you can't phase me ♪
♪ I'm the S, oh, yes, I'm fresh ♪
♪ I don't fuck with the stress ♪
♪ I'm all about the chronic, bionic, ya see ♪
♪ Every single day, chillin' with the D-O-double-Gs ♪
♪ P-O-U-N-D, that's my clique, my crew ♪
♪ You fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up ♪
♪ I thought you knew, but yet and still ♪
♪ You wanna get real, now it's time to peel, you say chill ♪
♪ And feel the motherfuckin' realism ♪
♪ Snoop Doggy Dogg is on the mic ♪
♪ I'm hittin' hard as steel ♪
♪ This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas, now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas, now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas, now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz and this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas, now back to the Gz. ♪
In addition to the multiple facial lacerations
and the, uh, severe burn wounds,
we also discovered an alarming amount of, um,
fecal bacteria in your system,
um, which I would imagine came from the... the... the-the...
Dog shitting in my mouth?
- Right. Yeah. - Yeah.
Um, ba-ba-ba... checking the clipboard.
Uh, oh, yeah, we also, uh, uh, couldn't reattach the penis.
Fuck...!
♪ Jamie ♪
♪ Jamie Foxx ♪
♪ Will Ferrell ♪
♪ Dirty, dirty dog ♪
♪ I'm a stray ♪
♪ Quit doggin' me! ♪
♪ I'm a str-str-stray ♪
♪ I'm a stray. ♪