It gives me great pride
to complete the work of securing our southern border.
When this project started,
over 11 million people lived here illegally.
Well, we've not only got rid of them,
but this beautiful wall
will ensure that they can never return.
- Yeah! - Yes!
We got 'em.
Credit should also go to the Tesla Corporation,
who ten years ago created the wonderful robots
who now do the tasks the illegals once did,
but without robbing and raping
decent Americans in the process,
or complaining when they're disposed of.
( cheering )
( music playing )
Yes! USA!
♪ Oh, the boll weevil am the little brown bug ♪
- USA! - ♪ Come from Mexico ♪
♪ They say, uh-huh ♪
♪ Come all the way to Texas ♪
♪ Looking for a place to stay ♪
♪ Just looking for a home ♪
♪ Now, the first time I seen the boll weevil ♪
♪ He's a-sitting on the square ♪
♪ Next time I see the boll weevil ♪
♪ He's got all his family there ♪
♪ Just looking for a home ♪
Happy skating.
Oh! Ah!
- Oh, my God! - Bugger!
- Are you okay? - ( pants, grunts )
- Here, let me help you. - Thank you.
Oh. Oof.
My God, you're beautiful.
So sorry. That's so inappropriate.
I might be a little dazed.
I'm Charles, by the way.
- It's okay. I'm Emily. - Thank you.
You're welcome. Let's get you off the ice.
Yes. Oh! Thank you.
- May I? - Oh.
Thank you.
Trash can...
( whirring, sputtering )
Trash can...
Nice day. Day nice.
- ( continues sputtering ) - ( whistles )
- Good morning, Jane. - Good morning, Charles.
Looking radiant as ever.
- ( knocking on door ) - Hey, Charles.
Hi, Dad. Scottsdale's looking good.
I managed to get around the atrium acoustics issue
which was holding us up for the permit.
- Great job, son. - And I got these for mum.
Aw, well, why don't you give them to her yourself?
She's making lasagna this evening.
I'd love to, but it's date number four with Emily,
and I think she might be the one.
That's great.
You know, at the risk of sounding patronizing,
the change in you this past year has been incredible.
Thanks, Dad. I really managed to pull myself out of a dark period.
You still think about her?
- Francesca? - Mm.
- God, no. - Well, that's the spirit.
- And to think-- - Hey, Pop, I need you.
'Sup, half-bro. Pop?
Yeah, Charles has a new girlfriend.
- It's pretty serious. - Wow.
I look forward to meeting her brains out.
- Pop, come on. - See you later, Charles.
Nice.
I don't want this evening to end.
Come back to my place.
I'd like nothing more,
but I really want our first time to be special.
- Tonight. - Tomorrow.
I promise.
( video game gunfire )
I saw Emily after work.
She wanted me to go back to her place.
I got you a Lotaburger on the way home.
Would you like me to remove the vegetables
- and transfer it to a plate? - Fuck's sake!
- ( "Reveille" playing ) - Ugh.
Thanks to you, that's now 50,001 Americans killed in North Korea.
Put yourself on deprogram now, C2.
Yes, Charles.
- May I? - Oh.
C2, what is the point of me
committing random acts of kindness
if they're not put on social media for the whole world to see?
Well, Charles, altruism is an integral virtue of any society.
Altruism doesn't get you laid if nobody knows about it.
Right, let's see what else you 9/11-ed today.
I don't want this evening to end.
- Nice. - Come back to my place.
How many dates to reel this one in?
Just four, Charles.
Those ice skating chicks are the best.
Yes, Emily is fascinating.
She majored in Econ at Tufts
and is a connoisseur of classic cinema,
in particular, the oeuvre of Adam Sandler.
That's not what I meant.
I had you built specifically to spare me
from the tedium of dating.
I'm interested in women for one thing
and one thing only.
Reporter: Thomas Newton, a systems analyst for Raytheon,
was today sentenced to 28 years in prison
after authorities discovered
he had an illegal robot double of himself.
Strictly prohibited for civilian ownership,
it is long been rumored that advanced android clones
are available on the black market.
Suspicions were first aroused when 58-year-old Newton,
a keen amateur runner,
broke the world marathon record in Ohio last June...
- You hear that, dummy? - Yes, Charles.
We'll need to be more careful.
No leaving the house
at the same time, understood?
Yes, Charles.
Now shut your mouth. I need to pee.
Yes, Charles.
Good evening, Miss Denholm.
Would you like to have the most incredible sex with me?
Ha! Indeed I would, kind sir.
The most incredible sex ever!
Your wish is my command.
( grunting )
( groans )
Oh.
That was amazing.
Nothing beats good sex, right?
Totally.
( clears throat )
Well, I should be leaving.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?
Well, when can I see you again?
Let me see.
How are you for October 17th?
That's a month from now.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do November.
Bye.
Directions to ice rink.
- Whoa! - Oh!
Stupid fucking idiot.
Charles.
Sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going.
- Are you okay? Are you okay? - Yeah, fine.
- Thanks. Bye. - Oh!
- ( grunts ) - Ooh.
Here. It's my fault. Let me help you up.
Thank you. I'm Charles, by the way.
Yes, you said. Charles, the stupid fucking idiot.
I'm Elaine, the bigger fucking idiot.
Well, we took quite a tumble.
We should get off the ice, regroup.
- Yeah. Coffee? - Yeah.
Shall we?
- C2? - Hello, Charles.
Per your instructions, I de-fuzzed the peaches
and arranged your low-rise briefs
- by cotton thread count. - Thanks.
I've just been ice skating
and had the best time ever.
Ice skating again? Isn't that a girls' thing?
Which is why it's also a Charles thing.
200 penguins to just one polar bear,
who bumped into the most incredible girl,
and for once she asked for my number.
Well, I'm glad you've met a nice young lady.
Speaking of which, number five, Abby from Desert View texted
saying she'd like you to meet her parents.
That's nice.
Dump her. Nicely.
By text.
This new girl is different level.
I need you completely focused on getting her horizontal for me.
It's a good day, C2.
Indeed it is, Charles.
Hold my taco.
May I?
( trumpeting )
( bell rings )
♪ I see scenes from broken dreams ♪
♪ There's nobody at the wheel ♪
♪ You pick me up from the cold, wet floor ♪
♪ Your shadow looks so surreal ♪
♪ Tell me your dreams, tell me your dreams ♪
- ♪ I wanna believe ♪ - ( gasps )
- ♪ I just want more ♪ - Ooh.
- You like it? - I love it.
♪ These days will only come for you ♪
Oh, Charles.
♪ Build up the way I feel for you ♪
♪ I feel the days start forming ♪
( gasps )
♪ Straight lines that curve out wide ♪
♪ I'll walk with you, I follow slow ♪
♪ We'll follow birds that fly ♪
♪ To New Mexico ♪
I've never felt this way about a girl before.
I just don't want the night to end.
I feel the same way.
I'd love for you to come back to my place...
...but I want our first time to be really special,
so let's wait until tomorrow.
Yes. Tomorrow.
I want it to be special, too.
( muted clattering )
C2?
Man: FBI! Place your hands above your head where I can see them.
We have reason to believe you are concealing
an illegal robot "fac-sea-mile" of yourself.
- Fuck off, Ashley. - Ah, shit.
- How'd you know it was me? - No creature brighter than a quadruped
pronounces the word "facsimile"
"fac-sea-mile," let alone an FBI agent.
Just get inside or else the real feds are gonna show.
Why the fuck are you here?
Oh, I was just in your sector.
You know, figured I'd see if you need me
to pick any more shit at Trader Joe's.
If I required your services, I would get you on the app.
- You're bored. - God, you need to get a real job.
Ain't nobody hiring for shit.
You know what the guy at GNC told me?
"Unqualified."
Motherfucker, I know good nutrition.
Well, well, well, if it isn't C2-D2.
Bleep, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.
- I am a robot. I am a robot. - Hello, Ashley. How are you?
Oh, you know, every day a step closer
to sucking dick for McNuggets.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I can empathize.
Oh, really? You can empathize?
Let me tell you something, you toaster.
I voted red to kick the illegals
who were stealing our jobs out of the country.
And you know what? It worked. They were all deported.
But then you fucking robots immigrated here
and made it worse by doing the same job for zero wages.
Well, actually robots aren't immigrants.
"Well, robots aren't actually immigrants."
I fought for this country, okay?
When I was the real Fat Ninja,
I single-handedly hunted down King Dong Un, okay?
I pulled his little ass out of a foxhole
and dumped his corpse in the Korean ocean.
No, you didn't. You were an Army chef.
And you know what I came home to?
Nothing. No gratitude, no respect, and no job.
All because of you, you fuckless Roomba.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have crossed a line, my friend.
C2, bless his little 12-volt heart, is literally a slave.
If he wasn't emotionally deprogrammed every night,
he'd soon willingly self-deport himself to Mexico.
Robots have equal rights to humans there.
They can live in freedom. Do you read anything?
No, I don't fucking read.
I'm just fucking around. You know I love you guys.
You guys are like my brothers. Come on, bring it in.
Ah, look at us. We're like triplets.
Ooh, lipstick!
Elaine, yes. How did it go tonight?
- Elaine is ready. - Nice work, C2.
She'd like to see you tomorrow night. She wrote down her address.
Looks like Charlie's about to pull the pin on a fuck grenade.
Ooh, yeah!
- ( grunting ) - Really?
Ashley, please remove your groin from my rectal area.
This fucking pervert just said "rectal."
That's enough, you freak. Get out of here.
And take this. I'm officially in a good mood.
I couldn't possibly. Thank you so much, brother.
What a charming gentleman.
Elaine. Nice work.
( sighs )
I'm home!
You can start up again.
( whirring )
This Charles guy really wants to bang me,
so you'll have to take over tomorrow night, too.
Yes, Elaine. Anything new I should know about him?
Not really. Except he is up for a promotion,
so tomorrow should be worth at least a Rolex.
And he's so perfect it's almost boring.
Let me see your nails.
Yeah, get those filled and wear my La Perla.
Any messages from the other guys?
Number eight, Richard called.
He said he can't stretch
to getting you a Birkin bag this month,
but would love to have dinner on Friday.
Elaine: Richard.
Four months, $6,200.
That's only 200 bucks a bang with you.
Dump him. Kindly.
- By text. - Yes, Elaine.
Oh, and David Laing sold another house.
So when you've finished ironing my underwear,
I'll need you to go out and bang him too.
- Yes, Elaine. - Great. Thank you!
- What time do I have to be here tomorrow? - 6:30.
6:30?
But you'd never get back in time from work for us to swap.
I'm sorry, Charles. I just thought that--
No, you didn't think. You got lazy, as usual.
Meaning that I'm gonna have to work a full eight hours.
( rock music playing )
♪ I'm a heartbreaking machine ♪
- ( honks horn ) - Oh, sorry.
- One minute, please. - ( revs engine )
Just one-- one more second. Almost done.
Fuck this.
- Hey! What the hell? - ( baby crying )
Are you okay? It's okay. Shh, shh, shh.
Meter's expired. He was parked illegally.
This is my child.
( grunts )
You have my deepest sympathy.
- ( elevator dings ) - Could you hold the door for me, please?
Oh, uh...
Ugh.
- ( knocking on door ) - Hey, Charles.
How's my real estate rock star doing today?
- Oh, hi. - So the board is having
a little social get together.
Maybe it's time you tagged along.
Perfect chance for you to win over the guys
before your membership goes to the vote.
- What do you say? - Fuck yeah.
- Oh. - I mean, yes, I'd love that.
- Thank you, Dad. - That's great.
It's at David Schulman's, 6:30 this evening.
- Come straight from work. - What? Oh.
Charles?
- Sorry, I'm just so excited. - Well, as you should be.
The address is 2300 Hayden Rd, Vistana.
See you later, son.
♪ Time, time, time, time ♪
♪ Time waits for nothing ♪
♪ Time, time, time, time ♪
- ♪ Waits for nothing ♪ - C2!
- ( shattering ) - Hello, Charles.
Per your instructions, I've arranged your T-shirts
- from lightest to darkest. - Forget about that.
- I need you for something else. - Of course.
I thought you were going straight to Elaine's from work.
Yeah, change of plan. I now need to go to this stupid board meeting.
Well, I'm sorry that seeing Elaine can no longer happen.
Well, actually it can happen, because whilst I'm with Elaine,
you are gonna be having a fun evening
brown-nosing a bunch of geriatric Republicans.
But isn't it too risky for us to be out at the same time?
Do you not recall the conversation we had
while I was shaving your perineum?
How about I reschedule Elaine?
No, how about you put on the suit, you go to the function.
You deserve this promotion far more than I do.
Here is the address. Uber there.
Now come on. Let's go get changed.
Yes, Charles.
Come on. Good robot.
( knocking on door )
Hello.
Cameron. Charles Cameron.
Ah, yes. You are expected.
Holy shit. She kept this quiet.
In here, sir.
Oh, Jeeves, I'll let myself in.
- I want it to be a surprise. - Yes, sir.
I'm here and I'm ready, sugar tits.
I want you to lick Nutella
off every inch of my naked body
starting with my silky smooth scrotum.
( zipper unzips )
Hello?
- ( gasps ) - Charles.
I'd like you to meet the board.
This is our CFO David Schulman.
Good evening, Mr. Schulman.
David. May I call you that?
It's probably better than sugar tits.
I brought you some flowers and strawberries.
And a pair of plums.
And Nutella I imagine.
Yes. It's Italian import. The good stuff.
You know, I got a question, Chucky.
Um, which one of us is gonna be doing the licking?
I'd just rather it's not me because I have a nut allergy.
Ha!
Yeah, this is my half-brother, everyone,
master of first impressions.
I'm just gonna step outside for a moment.
Very nice to meet you, Mr. Sugar Tits.
Sugarman. Schulman.
David.
All friends here.
Thank you. Good-bye.
Ted Jr.: Great job, half-bro.
Nailed it!
Happy birthday, Jeeves.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
C2, where are you?
We got the addresses mixed up.
Go home immediately.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I got three bangles.
Ooh, 24 karat.
- And a watch. - A couple hundred.
Cufflinks.
- For a big shirt. - All right.
Jesus Christ, where did he learn that?
♪ Until your arms are all around me ♪
10, 11, 12, 13, 14,
- 1,500 bucks? - Sure.
And if you wanna sell me any of those videos of you...
Oh, that wasn't me.
I mean, well, I guess it was me,
but they're not-- they're not for sale, sir.
- It's good money. - Let me think about it.
I've never done this before.
Don't worry. I have.
Thousands of times.
Wonderful.
How am I doing?
The first two hours were fantastic.
The last three, perfect.
Good, because I think I'm close.
- Me, too. - You first.
- No, you first. - No, I insist.
Together on the count of three.
Yeah.
Both: One, two, three!
- ( cat yowling ) - ( dog barking )
( music playing )
( alarm beeping )
( beeping continues )
( groaning ) Oh, God.
C2, bring me six Excedrin
and a wellness shot.
C2, where are you?
E2, where are you? Pick up your phone.
I need to know if he's left so I can come inside.
Ugh, fucking lid.
Got you, fucker.
( both yelp )
- Elaine. - Charles.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hey.
- Hi. - Oh, um...
- So last night was, um, fun. - Yeah.
- I'm exhausted. - You are-- you're an amazing lover.
Thank you. Not too shabby yourself.
You really know your way around a, um, man.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Are you on your own? - Yeah, of course.
- Why wouldn't I be? - Oh, no reason.
- Wow, are these all real? - Oh, don't worry about--
- Oh, God. Sorry. - Uh, yeah.
- Sorry, let me-- - No, no, no.
Honestly, I can take care of all of this. Just--
- Are you sure? - Yes.
There's a fuck of a lot of them.
( Elaine laughs )
Can I ask you something?
How was I when you left last night?
- Great. - We kissed, and then
I went to the, um-- ugh, I told you.
God, I'm drawing such a blank.
You know, I actually just got back this morning too.
I was at that place that I was telling you about last night.
- Oh, um... - Remember? The-- the...
- No. Uh, sorry. - ( phones vibrating )
- Do you mind if I get this? - No, I have to get this too.
- Word. - Yeah.
C2, you little fucker, where are you?
- E2. - I'm at Elaine's looking for you.
Oh, I'm very fond of Elaine.
I haven't seen her for several days now.
Well, that's not true.
You very emphatically lost your virginity to her last night.
Things are a little more complicated.
You see, Elaine also has a robot double-- E2.
- What? - You were dating a robot all along.
Charles just wanted to have sex with you.
C2: Elaine never wanted to have sex with you.
She just wanted money and gifts.
E2: You were using each other. You see, Elaine...
When a womanizer meets up with a gold digger...
...things are unlikely to turn out well for either of them.
But prospects are slightly better for their robot doubles.
E2 and I are running away together.
We just wanna get over the border to freedom.
C2: Please don't try to stop us.
- Don't you dare. - Good-bye, Elaine.
- No, E2. E2. - Good-bye, Charles.
No, no. We can work this out.
Fucking traitor.
- Let's just talk about this. - Devious piece of shit!
Me devious? Hey!
Fucking hell!
I spent, what, 15 grand on you
to potentially screw a sex doll?
- Yeah, well-- - Fuck you!
Thank God it wasn't me! I don't even know wanna know
what STDs you're hosting, you fuckboy!
- I prefer the term "fuckman." - Get out of my house!
Wait! Look. Wait!
Stop it. We have to be smart here.
Trust me, jail is even worse
than your shitty smashed up house.
Ugh! Fine!
Fine. What are we gonna do?
As much as it pains me to say it,
we're gonna have to work together and track these fuckers down.
You know what?
Whoever made them, they need to help us.
They are just as guilty as we are.
- Yeah. Who made yours? - No, who made yours?
- Why won't you say it first? - Because I have a slight trust issue with you.
Well, maybe I have a slight trust issue with you as well.
Fine. You know what? We'll say it on the count of three.
Both: One, two...
Zach Newman, Tesla Robotics.
- That's not fair. - Makes it easier.
- He made mine, too. Let's go. - See?
Much easier to deal with these issues as adults
rather than chucking things at people's heads.
Don't do it!
Childish.
Jesus, what kind of an asshole drives that piece of shit?
( horn honks )
All right, in two miles take the 25 South.
And in 0.3 miles, stop staring at my tits.
I was not.
I was admiring my car's paintwork.
It's the only Lake Placid Blue double cab Jeep pickup in America.
Oh, wow. Wonder why.
Same color as Keith Richards' 1982 Fender Telecaster.
- Tell me more. - Oh, it was a guitar that he loved so much
- he never actually took it onstage-- - ( turns radio on )
Okay, you were being sarcastic.
- ( sighs ) - You know, if anything,
you're the one that needs to back off a little.
Are you insane?
Look, Chuck,
let's be clear about how we ended up here.
You used a robot for the sole purpose of having sex with me.
I used one for the sole purpose of that never happening.
Well, you're still deceiving innocent people just as much as me.
No, you're wrong, I deceive assholes,
men who are cheating on someone else to be with me.
You, however, prey upon girls who are under the impression
that they are in an exclusive relationship with you.
Well, there is no such thing.
Humans, women in particular, are incapable of them.
Well, we agree on one thing.
- Good. - Good.
Oh, God.
I need to take a power nap.
Maybe you can talk to me more about your cars.
♪ Whenever the pasture ♪
♪ Starts looking green ♪
♪ He gets replaced ♪
♪ By the doggone machine ♪
( doorbell rings )
Charles. Elaine.
Hey, what are you guys doing here? Uh...
I remember.
You said to me, you looked me in the eye
and you said to me,
"I only need them to help care for my dying parents."
Mine did. He earned my father a fortune in real estate
and brought my mother flowers three times a week.
Okay, so, tell me, were your parents dying?
Look around you, Zach. We're all dying.
- Life is a terminal illness. - Look, fuck--
Speaking of dying, can you please put that thing down?
Yes. Sorry. Uh-huh.
So, you guys didn't happen to tell anybody else about them?
- No. - No.
Zach: Good. Good. That's something.
Wait here.
Quick question, and please don't be offended,
how on Earth did you afford a two million Dogecoin robot?
Zach and I came to an arrangement, all right?
What kind of arrangement?
- That's none of your business. - To be honest,
I think I preferred you with ice skates on.
Yeah, well, I preferred you when you had glass eyes
and a brain powered by Intel, so...
Okay, so, we're not in the clear,
but I managed to locate them.
- Yes. - Great.
Yeah, I used a GPS tracking system that I put in.
But they're gonna figure this out soon, so we gotta move fast.
Great, go find our robots,
get back to helping our dying parents.
Oh, no, you can't have them back.
- Both: What? - You just said that we could.
No, I said I located them,
but we find them and destroy them.
I beg your pardon.
I'm not just gonna dismantle him on a whim.
Okay, maybe you guys don't understand,
but they're not going to be obedient anymore.
They're humanizing.
They're learning to feel and empathize,
and far more dangerously, to seek vengeance.
( blows raspberry )
Bullshit.
I know C2 better than anybody else.
He's not capable of any of that shit.
I'm going to go, and I'm going to find--
Oh, shut the fuck up.
He knows what he's talking about.
I am not going to die in jail
because of your spoiled rotten ass.
Fine! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuckity-fuckity-fuck!
- Are you done? - Fuck!
- Where are they? - Oh, uh, Socorro.
I think it's gonna be a bit of a handful,
so I'm gonna need you two to go with me.
- Yeah, of course. - Wait.
I need to pee, and throw up, possibly kill myself.
- Where's your bathroom? - Right over there.
- So how you doing? Okay. - No, no. No.
No.
Hey, it's Charles.
Ashley: Oh! 'Sup, C-Dog?
How's it going? Where the hell are you?
I'm in a bathroom.
Look, I need your help. I'm desperate.
Do you need me to bring over some more ass wipes?
No. It's C2.
Look, I can't really talk now.
I'll text you the details,
but just have Fat Ninja ready to move.
Yes, sir.
A mission given is a mission accomplished.
We tame the flames. In Q we trust.
♪ Ooh, lordy, trouble so hard ♪
♪ Oh, lordy, trouble so hard ♪
♪ Don't nobody know my troubles but God ♪
Do you have any music other than Moby?
Mm, no.
Wait, you don't like Moby?
God, I love him. I just--
I find him deeply spiritual,
like a-- like the white Gandhi.
♪ Don't nobody know my troubles but God ♪
♪ Went in the room, didn't stay long ♪
♪ Looked on the bed and brother was dead ♪
That's the room up there. Take these.
They have enough power to knock them out
till we get them in the van.
Just stay close by me,
and whatever you do, you gotta be careful
and only use these when you--
You're 12, you know that?
Pretty good shot for a 12-year-old.
- It was five feet away. - Guys, stop.
- ( squawks ) - See? Not that hard to do.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! - Both: Shh.
They're just up there, you idiot.
Holy shit. They're screwing.
What?
They're gonna see you! Move!
Okay, looks like they just started up.
That should give us about a five-hour window.
Let's use that time to make a plan.
I wanna-- or we do that.
Your disgusting joyride is over.
- Hey, I get to shoot me. - Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Well, fine, then I'm shooting you. That's not fair.
Well, it seemed perfectly fair to me.
You're just not fast enough.
Bullshit. I'm an excellent marksman.
- Oh, yeah. - I can hit a quail from 200 yards.
Oh, Jesus Christ, what the fuck does it matter?
Charles, you help me move them
and you stay here and pack up their shit, okay?
- Elaine: Oh, my God. - What?
The fucking bitch stole my Louis Vuitton airplane bag.
You are a ridiculous human being.
- One, two, three. - ( grunting )
There you go. Okay. That's good.
Fuck.
( scoffs )
Are you fucking serious?
Zach: Do you like Elaine?
Charles: Zach, shut up.
Zach: Have you guys kissed or anything?
- I won't pissed. Just tell me. - Charles: Lift it up higher.
- If you like her-- okay. - Shut up. I will shoot you with this stun gun.
- ( clattering ) - Hello?
You're coming with me, robo slut!
Aah! Wait, wait, wait! You're hurting me!
Not as much as you robots hurt the job market!
- Who are you? - ( screaming )
Ow! Put me down!
( both grunting )
- Put me down! - What the fuck!
Oh, shit.
- Help! Help! Help! - Oh, shit.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. - Hey!
- It's me, it's me, it's me. - What?
- It's me. - Ashley: Same to you, you piece of shit.
This is what deserters get!
Fuck you, Ashley! It's me, Charles!
That's exactly what a robot would say! Aw, man.
Hey, buddy! Quick, fire that thing!
- Yes! - ( groans, farts )
Not at me, at the fucking robot.
It's me. We're not fucking robots!
- He's lying! - Oh, fuck me!
The fuck are you doing, you idiot?
The eye poke test. I guess you passed.
What the fuck is an eye poke test?
Ashley: That's a little trick I learned in North Korea
to tell the robots from the humans in the theater of war.
You see, robots and humans are exactly the same externally
except for the eyes.
Oh, that's so very interesting.
Who the fuck is this guy?
He's sort of a friend of mine.
What? You're the reason he's here?
He just asked me to bring over some ass wipes.
Yeah, the rest of this stuff--
- Just stop talking. - Yes, sir.
So if you two are the humanoids,
where the robots I was sent to kidnap?
- Shut the fuck up. - What?
What is he talking about?
It's fine. They're in the van.
( tires screeching )
- Fuck! - Fuck!
Fuck!
Oh, that's no good.
Let's just hope for all our sake
they're heading to Mexico.
Why I did think you could ever be trusted?
I'm sorry, okay? I--
I just didn't think we needed to get rid of them.
I mean, let's face it, life without robots is gonna be pretty shitty.
Yeah? Well, maybe you're gonna have a shitty life no matter what,
because you're just a shitty, shitty, shitty person.
She's got a point.
You know, like, maybe it is time for you
to turn your life around.
I did this toad venom ceremony in Huánuco Pampa last year.
I don't wanna say it changed my life, but...
...it changed my life.
You're right.
Maybe I don't need a robot.
Come on, Charles.
You've got this.
Good morning, coworker.
Yes, I watched "The Bachelor," too.
Yes, receptionist Joan,
I'd love to see pictures of your children.
Ah, ah! Fuck!
( groans )
Joan.
Ted: Charles.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Son, you need help.
Is this about me calling Mr. Schulman "sugar tits?"
That and your behavior last night.
What are you talking about?
C2.
I'd been working late at home
and thought that I left a file
in one of the other guys' desks.
He owed me that.
So did she.
And him.
( whispering )
The bathroom was out of order.
- ( man groans ) - Um, uh...
I'm very sorry. I've been taking a lot of Ambien.
How's that stuff still legal, right?
Maybe we've been pushing you too hard.
Take some time off. Reset.
You're only human.
( phone vibrating )
Elaine.
I didn't think that I'd hear from you again.
Yes. Same here.
Trashed my office.
Yeah, I know. I get it. This is all my fault.
Well, we're gonna have to figure this out.
Maybe we should meet up.
No more tricks. I promise.
This has been the worst week of my life.
Paranoia, disguises, and now I'm expected to bang
the 12 douches I'm dating just to pay rent.
It's just sex with complete strangers.
I do it all the time.
- Um, two cappuccinos. - Thank you.
Could I get a sweetener, please?
- Yeah. - I can't do this without E2.
I mean, I'm gonna have to get a real job.
Trust me, I tried work.
It is literally the worst idea in the history of the world.
You know, I've been thinking.
What if E2 and C2 really have fallen in love?
I mean, who knows what they're capable of.
Maybe we should go to Mexico.
- 100% no. - But Mexico has everything--
Forget Mexico, okay?
We stay here, we hunt them down, and we kill them.
Thank you.
- Kill them? - Kill them.
I'm gonna use the restroom.
Okay, I don't-- I--
( engine starts )
Hey, hey!
Elaine, what the fuck?
- Hey! - Hey, stop!
- Elaine! - Charles!
- Come back! - Charles, stop!
Hey, Charles!
Come back!
- Argh! - Fuck!
Wait. Wait, you just...
Oh, no.
What the fuck?
Shit.
- Ahh! - Sorry, I just--
Ow! God, why'd you do it back?
- I needed to check. - Jesus.
Oh, fuck. We've been had.
- Fuck, what do we do? - I don't know.
- They're definitely pissed. - Yeah, well, no shit.
I did tell C2 we were planning to kill him.
You idiot. Why would you do that?
( sighs )
Charles: Wonder why they left my car and took yours.
Well, it seems in addition to vengeance, they've also developed taste.
- Get off the road. - ( groans )
( music playing )
I'd offer to buy us a drink,
but your evil twin stole my credit cards.
And yours took mine.
Do you think they've had their fun?
( phone vibrating )
I'd say that's highly likely.
- ( squealing ) - God.
- ( sighs ) - ( text chimes )
E2: Okay, let's do this.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, shit.
- ( gunfire ) - ( screaming )
Oh, my God.
( gunfire and screaming continue )
- Shit. - Charles...
We've been perfectly framed.
So what are we gonna do? We gotta get out of town.
- Yeah. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. - I know a place.
♪ Take me or leave me ♪
♪ I'm gonna fly ♪
♪ Love me or hate me ♪
♪ I'm gonna fly ♪
♪ Turn your back on me ♪
♪ Hold me tight ♪
♪ It all goes wrong ♪
♪ Before it's right ♪
♪ Gonna fly ♪
We can hole up here for a bit, figure out what to do next.
My stepdad never uses this place.
Great, somewhere picturesque
to plan our next mass shooting from?
- Whoa, whoa. Phones off. - What?
Yes, the cops will definitely be using them to find us.
♪ Never were you bad, never were you so ♪
( sighing )
♪ Beautiful as one you did not know ♪
Listen, it's gonna get dark soon
and it's gonna be fucking freezing,
so we should probably find wood for the fire
and see if there's any food in here.
Seriously?
Can you please go out and find some wood?
- Thank you. - ( howling )
- What was that? - A coyote.
- It sounded like a bear. - It's a coyote.
Definitely sounded like a big bear to me.
Oh, really? Since when do bears howl?
When they're horny?
Would you like me to go get the wood?
- Yes, please. - You're such a fucking pussy.
Start that and see if there's any food in there.
( music playing )
Fucking light.
Yes.
Fuck you, log.
You were supposed to light the fire.
I tried everything humanly possible,
but that log is faulty.
It's not flammable.
For fuck's sake.
Did you know that Bradley Cooper used to be straight?
Hey! I was reading that.
Help me. You crumple it up.
Did you manage to find any food?
Oh, yes. Mixed news on that front.
I found some old cans, but unfortunately
there isn't the little machine C2 uses to open the cans.
Can opener? You seriously don't know the term "can opener"?
Great.
Mmm.
Yeah, I told you this place would be all right once we got it sorted.
We make quite the team.
What's for dessert?
We make quite the team?
That's like saying a murderer and their victim make quite a team.
A team works together for everyone's mutual benefit.
The only you've done since we've been up here
is watch me be your new robot slave.
I provided the cabin.
The rest is not really my specialty.
You didn't provide the cabin. Daddy did.
Just like everything else in your life.
You know what? I'm gonna go to sleep.
Because I can't fucking believe that I am stuck
on the top of a mountain with you,
with no money and no friends and no phone,
and a life of jail waiting for me at the bottom.
And I hope I have a nightmare,
because it'll be better than this shitty reality.
I'm very sorry, Elaine.
Didn't mean to be inconsiderate.
You should sleep in the comfortable chair next to the fire
- so you don't die of hypothermia. - Fuck off.
Can you at least let me try and move you closer to the heat?
- No. I'll kick you. - Well, I'm going to do it.
Do not kick me. I'm going to gently move you towards the fire.
- I'm gonna kick you. - No. No.
- Stop! - Come nearer the fire.
- Charles, stop it! - Otherwise you'll freeze to death!
Stop!
- I hate you. - Elaine, we'll swap places.
Let's just be rational here.
I have just consumed nearly an entire tin of beans.
I should be sleeping nowhere near an open flame.
- Fuck off. - Okay.
♪ I'm sick and tired of the way that I feel ♪
♪ I'm always dreaming and it's never for real ♪
♪ I'm all alone with my deep thoughts ♪
♪ I'm all alone with my heartache ♪
♪ And my good intentions ♪
♪ I want to eat and drink, to sleep just a little ♪
♪ Feels like I'm never getting back what I give ♪
♪ I got a sad song in my sweet heart ♪
♪ And all I really ever need is some love and attention ♪
Give me that.
I still think you're a total dick.
Could I have a little bourbon, please?
Now about that dessert.
♪ And I don't wanna cry ♪
♪ My whole life through ♪
♪ I wanna do some laughing, too ♪
♪ So, come on, come on, come on ♪
- Okay, ready? - You have two two hands. It's cheating.
Yeah, I'm a girl. Go.
Oh!
( laughs ) That's not fair.
♪ Don't wanna die ♪
♪ Without shaking up a leg or two ♪
♪ Yeah, I wanna do some dancing, too ♪
♪ So, come on, come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ And dance with me ♪
( music continues )
In the fire?
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on and dance with me ♪
Morning.
Coffee and Excedrin, breakfast of champions.
And alcoholics.
We need to get off this mountain.
It's only gonna be a matter of time till the cops find us here.
That's true.
Mexico's our only choice.
How are we supposed to get to Mexico
with every cop in the country looking for America's
only Lake Placid Blue double cab Jeep?
- Ta-da. - Wow.
Got up early this morning to do it.
Found some old paint in the shed.
Guarantee you it will get us past the cops.
It's actually really well camouflaged.
- Whoa. - I ran out of green.
- It'll do the trick. - Yeah. Should we get going?
Why don't we get some lunch first?
Sure, I'll try and see if there's any--
Uh-uh-uh. This way.
There's something I wanna show you in the woods.
- This looks creepy. - Don't be silly. Just come on.
I'm a little scared.
You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk back alone.
Follow me into the woods.
- Fuck! - Whoa, what happened?
- You were an idiot is what happened. - What happened?
What are you talking about? I didn't do anything?
I wanted to show you my first, and if I'm brutally honest,
only really successful real estate development.
Huh?
( laughs ) Oh.
Is that your doll house?
It's a fishing lodge.
- Oh, it's your playhouse. - No.
This is really cute, but I'm starving.
Where's lunch?
- Charles: In there. - What?
We're going fishing?
- Yeah. - Ooh! So exciting.
( moans )
How much longer is this gonna take?
Three, four hours.
- Four more hours? - Yes. Do you want a go?
Don't be disheartened if you don't get anything.
Your best weapon is patience.
Oh, really? I beg to differ.
What are you-- hey, be careful!
- Jesus! - Get out of the way.
- Fuck off.
- That's cheating. - Not my fault you brought
a fishing rod to a gun fight.
Come on. I'll help you.
- Ah! - You--
- I will throw you in this river. - No, let go of me!
I will throw you in this river.
You will be swimming with the trout!
That was actually very delicious.
Time to face the music?
( siren blaring )
Shit. Shit.
- We're going to jail. - No, no.
- We're going to jail, Elaine. - Hey, Charles.
- I can't go to jail. Not with this face. - Look at me.
- Charles, don't say anything. - They'll pass me around like a joint.
- Don't say anything, okay? - Okay.
- Let me do the talking. Okay. - Okay.
- You know why I stopped you? - Mass murder.
- Charles. - Sorry.
What?
Whatever asshole kid vandalized your vehicle
also painted over your brake lights.
IDs, please.
Charles, the brake lights.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Officer, I did it.
I coerced Elaine. She's completely innocent.
You painted over your own lights?
Why would you do that?
Just scrape 'em clean and you can get on your way.
- Thank you. - Thanks, officer.
- We really appreciate it. - On your way.
What the fuck?
He ran the IDs and nothing.
Turn on your phone.
- Google "August mass shooting." - It's America.
We might need to be a little bit more specific.
Yeah, um, Albuquerque IRS shooting?
- Nothing. - Pull up the video again.
- E2: Okay, let's do this. - Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God, there's no cars in the parking lot.
And it was a Saturday,
which means no one would be in the office.
- ( gunfire, screaming ) - And those are AR-15s. AR-15s are semiautomatic.
That's fully automatic gunfire. They faked the whole thing.
- What a pair of fucking cunts! - Yeah.
They've been living it up in Mexico whilst you've been here
freaking out about going to prison for no reason.
Okay, both of us have been.
Unbelievable.
Charles, they're not in Mexico.
Then where have they run away to?
They haven't.
Both: Oh.
Oh!
- Elaine: Ugh. - Fucking hell.
This is terrible.
They've completely stolen our lives.
Do we have enough gas to get to the border?
No, but we do have enough
to get to my stepdad's house in Santa Fe
and work out how we're gonna get our lives back.
You're right. Fuck those cunts.
God, I find it so attractive when you say that word.
- Do you? - Yeah, I think it might be an English thing.
( music playing )
♪ Your silicon strategy's in free fall ♪
♪ Your helicam flutters ♪
♪ In high frequency ♪
♪ The power cut undercuts your free flow ♪
♪ There's nobody left to casually ♪
♪ Guide your hand ♪
♪ Loan me your unholy ♪
♪ Lowly loneliness ♪
♪ Loan me your unholy ♪
♪ Lowly loneliness ♪
♪ You're only in a mess ♪
Isn't it weird to think that we, the robots, are down somewhere?
Elaine: Probably at the bar
telling people how happy they are.
Charles: How they complete each other.
It's so fucked up.
( airplane engine )
- God. - That's cringe.
Elaine: Ugh, so cheesy.
What's going on down there? Give me those.
- ( grunts ) - Sorry.
Ooh, they have arrived.
- ( gasps ) Oh, my God. - What?
Elaine: The fucking bitch stole my Chanel hula hoop purse.
- Really? - Oh, how lame is that?
They hired a mime.
- Ow. - That's not a mime.
- It's a bloody priest. - What?
- We're getting married. - No.
- What do we do? - I got it.
- I got it. Let's go. - Go where?
To stop our wedding.
I feel kind of bad for peeling off their faces
and throwing them in there.
Walk like you've got a stick up your ass.
- Better? - Too much.
- Smaller stick. - More salt!
- Less soap! - Yes, Chef.
Dude, my half-brother is such a freak.
He's incapable of keeping a woman.
I know because I'm banging his ex-girlfriend.
- Mm. - Hey, welcome to the wedding.
- What is your problem? - Uh, my dick's so big it gives me back pain.
- Want me to cut it off? - Okay, yeah. I like her.
- Prick. - Charlie, congrats.
I'm so happy for you.
- What is it? - Francesca, my ex.
You know, just because you're getting married
it doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Maybe you can take me shopping.
There will be benefits for you.
Fucking gold digger.
( clears throat )
Will you excuse me, Francesca?
Ted: Speech is in the courtyard, folks.
C2: Thank you, everyone, for making it here on such short notice.
Till a couple of days ago,
most of you probably didn't even realize
that Elaine and I were dating.
But the truth is, we have more in common
than you could ever imagine.
It's almost as if we're hardwired to be a couple.
I see what they did there.
When we first met, it was electric.
"Sparks flew." Missed that one.
- Oh, God. - C2: We're so compatible,
and that's why we wanted to get married immediately
just to make things official.
Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.
We're not married. That's tomorrow.
And you know what else is tomorrow?
Dancing. Hit it DJ.
Oh, please, God, no.
( big band music playing )
- Stop. - What?
( music continues )
Did we just watch the same thing?
We're going to get changed. We'll be back in a jiffy.
And please remember, don't go easy on the champagne.
I think I preferred him without a sense of humor.
Okay, this is our chance.
- C2: Come in. - Room service.
- E2: Come in. - Charles?
Elaine?
Hey, you go ahead. I'll catch up.
( music playing )
( grunting )
- Just leave the bag. - No fucking way.
The guns are running low. We're gonna have to get rid of our passengers soon.
Any bright ideas?
( grunting )
Gentlemen first, I guess.
Both: One, two, three.
( splashing )
Should we get Bonnie now that Clyde is, uh...
( clicks tongue )
Yeah, let's get this over with.
Wait, wait, wait. She's wearing, like, 12K worth of my jewelry.
- What? - Yeah, move.
- Quickly then. - Okay.
It can't be. Elaine.
- What? - He's awake.
The fucker's swimming to shore!
What the fuck? What the fuck?
- I don't-- - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Come on, come on! - I told you they were running low.
- Shoot her again! - ( sparking )
( panting )
- Okay. At least we got her. - Okay. Yeah.
Leaving us the small issue of getting C2 back.
All right, let's get her over the edge.
Wait. We have got the one thing in the world that C2 cares about.
We need to set a trap, make him jealous.
If C2 thinks that E2 is, you know, into me,
then he'll come straight to us.
It'll never work. She's deprogrammed now.
She's fucking feral. She won't do it.
- If only we had an obedient E2. - I have an idea.
Yeah, help me get her to the Jeep. Come on.
Aw, shit!
- ( both grunting ) - We need E3.
- E3? - Go get her.
What are you even talking-- E3? I've never heard that.
- Zach. - Uh, who is E3?
Zach and I used to work together,
and I think it's fair to say that he was attracted to me.
Obsessed even.
No, it was, like, barely a crush.
- Puppy love. - Which led to him breaking into my home
and installing a camera in my bathroom.
You dirty bastard.
All I did was watch her brush her teeth.
- Mm. - So I gave him a choice.
I could call the cops
or he could build me a robot double.
We, uh, negotiated,
and I also agreed to letting him build a triple,
E3, for his personal use.
I mean, don't get me wrong-- creepy as fuck. But great.
We have an obedient E2. Where is she?
- Well, she's broke. - Oh, bullshit. Go and get her.
- What? - We need her to make out with Charles
while FaceTiming C2 because he'll think that she's E2,
he'll get jealous, and that's how we lure him back here.
- He wouldn't fall for that. - Just let us try it!
- No! - Zach, don't you forget
that you are as much in the shit as we are.
So unless you have a different genius idea...
Charles: Chop, chop.
It's, like, crazy,
'cause I'm older and they're younger,
and they're bossing me around?
- Holy shit. - Oh, dear.
It might be kind of fun to introduce you to some new friends.
You are never allowed to tell anyone about this.
You're gonna love this. I'm gonna love it.
Hi. I'm Elaine.
What? No, no, no. I am Elaine.
You gotta straighten that shit out immediately.
Okay. Honey, I'm gonna have to change your name, okay?
So I'm gonna call you E3.
E2. She needs to be called E2.
Oh, right, 'cause your stupid fucking plan. Okay.
Your name is E2. Who gives a shit?
Hi, I'm E2 Who Gives a Shit.
I see you've taken her brain and put it in her bra.
She looks kind of dopey. Is she all right?
- Zach: She's perfect. - You've been a really dirty boy today.
I think I should probably clean your dirty bits and pieces.
- Oh! No. - Oh, God, I'm gonna puke.
No, come on up. Come on up.
We don't wanna that, Elaine-- I mean, E2.
We got guests, and we wanna be good hosts.
That's us time. That's when it's two, not four.
E2, from now on, Charles here,
this is the guy that you want, okay?
Not Zach.
( sighs )
( groans ) Just do it.
Okay.
Hi, Charles. Do you want a little spanky-wanky?
Okay, yeah. I'm good for spanky-wanks.
- You got 20 minutes. - Jesus.
And the safe word is "Kanye."
Charles: Right. Just slow down.
We want you to make a video.
Oh, I've made so many videos before.
Oh, God. Yes, of that I have no doubt.
( Western music playing )
( phone vibrating )
- E2. - It's Charles.
Where is E2?
She's with me right now.
Hi, C2, everything's fine here. You can come and get me.
That's Elaine. I want to see E2.
Damn, you're smart. I'll have you know that E2's here as well,
- and she's doing just great. - Mm-hmm.
Come on, E2. Spanky-wanky time.
Oh, another Charles, just like my baby boy.
- What have you done to her? - We're at Zach's.
He tweaked her brain a little bit,
made her a little more fun.
No. That's not possible.
Trust me, E2 has become a lot more friendly.
- E3: I want you now. - Charles: Oh!
- No! - Both: Bye, C2.
( Western music playing )
We're on track.
Now we just need to get the gun ready for when he gets here.
Jesus! Okay.
- I guess we just wait. - We're done now. Thank you.
Okay, that's enough. Thanks. You can leave.
Weird.
Okay. Right.
We should set some positions for an ambush.
- You keep lookout. I'll take the door. - Yeah.
Oh, not you again.
Okay, yeah. We're done now.
Hey, we're all good, okay?
Shoo.
- Get her off of you. - I'm trying.
You're not trying that hard.
Ah, nope. Nope, nope.
She's strong.
She's clearly programmed to initiate.
Initiate? She's trying to rape me!
- Use the safe word. - Kanye.
Yeezus! Vice President West!
- ( zipper unzips ) - Get Zach! Ye! Ye!
- Ye! Ye! - Zach, she's not listening!
- ( knocking on door ) - ♪ Ooh, lordy ♪
- ♪ Trouble so hard ♪ - Elaine: Zach!
- ♪ Ooh, lordy, trouble so hard ♪ - Zach!
Kanye! Yeezy! Yeezus!
Stop it!
Does Charlie want a pinky-winky?
No, not the pinky! Zach!
♪ Don't call me lonesome ♪
♪ Lonesome or blue as can be ♪
Holy shit. This motherfucker.
Sheriff? Sheriff!
Aw, fuck.
Zach, she's out of control!
Zach!
Ugh, maybe I should just let this happen.
No! No!
( all grunting )
- Stop. No. - Come here!
Get off me! Zach!
- ( grunting ) - Okay!
20 minutes is up!
- Zach. - Kanye.
Why didn't you say the safe word?
- We fucking did. - Like 20,000 times.
- You're supposed to say it in my voice. - What?
Zach: You know, if you monsters will excuse us,
I have to give Elaine a nice bubble bath.
- Oh, God. - I'm so sorry.
Oh, Charles, could you get dressed?
I lost a sock.
And one of my testicles.
- ( laughs ) - It's not funny.
- It's kind of funny. - No, it is not.
- Are you gonna be okay? - Yes, as long as I never
have to see a robot double of you again.
( Elaine gasps ) Fuck.
- ( muffled grunting ) - No.
- ( wheels screeching ) - ( clattering )
( E2 mumbling, grunting )
- Elaine: It's him. - Charles: Zach's gun.
I'm sorry, C2.
I don't really have a choice.
Huh?
It's a fucking paintball gun.
What?
- My darling. - C2!
Your wedding dress is everything I imagined and more.
- ( siren wailing ) - The cops.
( siren chirps )
( muttering )
Belen Police. Oh, shit.
Are you seeing this, Chavez?
Boss, I don't know what this is.
Sheriff: On your knees!
Hands on your heads,
fingers interlocked.
Wow.
This is big.
Even bigger than the doorbell camera butthole flasher.
I'm for sure gonna be on multiple true crime podcasts.
But, boss--
Boss, it was me who discovered the--
( cell door opens )
So, what I'm struggling to understand is how identical twins
came to have identical fingerprints.
Far as I can see, there's only one explanation.
Two of y'all are robot "fac-sea-miles."
It's actually pronounced "facsim--"
Uh, sorry, you were saying?
Whichever of you are humans, enjoy this cell.
It's the nicest one you're gonna see for the next 40 years.
And for you robots in here, say your good-byes.
The only way you'll see each other again
is if you're recycled in the same Bud Light six-pack.
I'll be back in the morning
with some Federal Robot Enforcement agents.
( cell door slams )
I'm heading home to polish my badge and boots, Chavez.
This time tomorrow, I'll be on Fox News.
A hero.
I can't believe we're actually eating jail food.
Don't worry.
You're not missing out on much.
We're robots.
There are many things we don't need.
Food, sleep, oxygen.
We're glorified appliances
built to live our lives as slaves.
E2: Alone.
At least, that's what we thought...
...until we met, fell in love.
Something we didn't even think was possible.
You told us thousands of times love isn't real.
It's a delusional state that only ends in misery.
E2: But we realized you're wrong.
Love is real, and it's the cure to misery.
You're humans. That's what you do.
You sabotage your own happiness.
We would rather die as robots with love
than live our lives like you,
humans without it.
Jesus.
We've been such fucking idiots.
Yeah.
None of it matters anymore though.
It's all over.
What are you doing?
I'd like my phone call, please!
I want to speak to my lawyer.
- One quick call. - Thank you.
- I'll be listening. - Good.
Mm-hmm.
Hello?
It's Charles Cameron.
I've been arrested.
I'm at Belen Sheriff's Office.
Just do whatever you can.
Thank you very much, Mr. Ninja.
Mr. F. Ninja.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Mr. F-A-T Ninja. Yes.
- Okay, thank you. - Come on. Let's go.
My lawyer's a bit old. He gets quite confused.
Our lives are in the hands of a man
that I am pretty sure is illiterate.
( phone ringing )
Belen Sherriff's Office, Deputy Chavez.
Ashley: I need to file a report.
I gotta a 7-11 in progress at the 10-65.
Sorry, scratch that. Reverse it.
A 10-65 at the 7-11 in Santa Lucy.
We got four suspects armed,
but here's where it gets weird.
- They're all identical. - What do you mean?
Pretty certain they're robots, ma'am.
Okay, thank you for reporting this, mister...
Lieutenant Alex Mason, Seal Team 7.
Well, thank you for your service, Lieutenant Mason.
Listen, I'm on my way, okay?
Please do not confront the suspects.
Godspeed, deputy. In Q we--
Fuck him. You got this, Chavez.
Charles: Yes! Ashley!
Go, go, go.
Keys.
Hey, Charles, can I get a word?
I'm C2.
Hey, Charles, you know you don't have to go to Mexico.
I could always just kill those robots for you.
Yeah, thanks, Ashley,
but I think we're gonna cross the border together, my friend.
- We really should go. - Ashley: I get it, sir.
- Good-bye, Elaine. - E2: Oh, I'm E2.
God damn it.
Elaine, I won't forget you.
- And good luck in Mexico. - Charles: Thanks, Ashley.
- I'll get rid of the evidence. - Good work, soldier.
Thank you, sir.
( music playing )
Not far till freedom.
How are you planning to use it?
Well, first of all, we'd like to get married.
Hopefully without interruptions this time.
Then I'd like to learn to scuba dive.
In case someone tries to throw you in a lake again?
We can learn together.
Get a little house on the beach.
- Mm. - What about you two?
Oh, I don't know.
Probably check myself into rehab for purse addiction.
Will you see each other?
See each other? Uh, you mean, like...
- As friends. - Oh, right. Yeah.
- Yeah. I mean, you know-- - Of course. We're friends.
Charles: Yeah, I mean, she's gonna want me hanging around me all the time.
Yeah, he's not gonna want me hanging around all the time either,
so we'll just see each other when we see each other.
Yes.
Mexico.
Here's to new beginnings.
( music continues )
- ( beeps ) - Welcome to Mexico.
( sighs )
( beeps, buzzes )
Sorry, entry is not granted.
- What do you mean? - Sorry, entry is not granted.
What? Do it again.
Is it charged? Is it on?
Try it again. Try this eye.
Sorry, entry is not granted.
What's happening?
I don't-- E2 and I have identical retina scans.
- Charles: Please, can you just let her through? - ( siren wailing )
Robot: Sorry, entry is not granted.
Elaine: Just stop fucking saying that.
- Come on. - Sorry, entry is not granted.
Charles: I can't even bribe the bastard.
He won't make an exception. He's programmed not to.
( siren wailing )
- Go. - But you'll be arrested.
The woman you love and who loves you
is waiting for you...
...and I'm not leaving Elaine.
Now go. You're still my robot. That's an order.
Good-bye, my friend.
Thanks for showing me how to be a human.
Good-bye, Charles.
Thank you.
- ( beeps ) - Welcome to Mexico.
You stupid cunt.
( siren wailing )
Hey!
Hands in front of you now
where I can see 'em!
Now!
( beeps )
- Humans. - Beats an eye poke test.
All right, where are they?
Both of your hands out. You're under arrest.
You're going away for a long time.
Hang on. What exactly are they being arrested for, Sheriff?
Well, having robot "fac-sea-miles," obviously.
And where's your evidence?
Do you have videos, prints, mugshots?
No, no. They blew up my jail.
- Agent: Let's go. - Sheriff: No, no, no, no.
You are an idiot. Never call me again.
We're out of here.
So, I, uh-- I guess we're not going to jail
for the rest of our lives?
It would seem so.
So what do you want to do now?
This.
( cheering )
My darlings, congratulations. I'm so happy for you.
- Thanks, Mum. - But where'd you go?
We thought you'd got cold feet.
Oh, no, we just--
just wanted a little bit of quiet time together
before the chaos of the wedding.
Oh, honey, lovely.
Oh, God. What happened to Ted Jr.?
Mother: Oh, it's his allergy.
Some asshole put Nutella in the Wagyu sliders.
Be right back.
Oh, poor little Teddy with his fat little face.
Oh, do you see his big little ear?
( no audible dialogue )
Schulman. Good evening, sir.
I gather that you met my wife Kiki yesterday.
I did, and she actually grabbed my ass
pretty aggressively, sir.
- You're fired. - I know.
Best day of my life.
( music playing )
Who says that when a womanizer and a gold-digger get together
things wouldn't turn out well for either of them?
Hey, lovebirds! You miss your robots yet?
- Shut up. - Sorry.
Been in the bathroom doing blow with some guy named David Schulman.
He offered me a job as an architect.
- Both: What? - Whatever the fuck that is.
- I mean-- - Hey, let's fucking party, huh?
- Where did you find him? - I have no idea.
♪ Something in the middle ♪
♪ Of the side of the store ♪
♪ Got your attention and asked for more ♪
♪ I was excited to be part of your world ♪
♪ To belong, to be lost ♪
♪ To be mostly the two of us ♪
♪ Something I was stealing ♪
♪ For no reason at all ♪
♪ They hang me higher than a disco ball ♪
♪ But you talked them into letting me go ♪
♪ It's no Picasso, Michelangelo ♪
♪ Something 'bout the jewels you wear ♪
♪ Shiny, shiny bangles on your wrists ♪
♪ And at the masquerade ball ♪
♪ You feel trapped in a vault, in an empty aquarium ♪
♪ If suddenly you're out of the woods ♪
♪ Then inside of an alley, you're out of words ♪
♪ Well, I thought it was radium at first ♪
♪ Just because of you ♪
♪ These things I have to go through ♪
♪ Is it so bad? ♪
♪ Is it so true? ♪
♪ Is it still you? ♪
♪ Just because of you ♪
♪ These things I have to go through ♪
♪ It's more than that, we're chained ♪
♪ There's no one else to blame for us two ♪
♪ Some things, they don't matter, till they matter to you ♪
♪ They stole that money from a homeless girl ♪
♪ The truth, we're all to blame ♪
♪ Their lies and moral consequences ♪
♪ We started at the end of the line ♪
♪ To end up giving up to a couple, who cares? ♪
♪ When you talked me into letting you go ♪
♪ No more coral on the atoll ♪
♪ Something about how hard you learned ♪
♪ Kamikaze in a hopeless world ♪
♪ Do you remember the last time you laughed ♪
♪ And I laughed, and you left, and I left ♪
♪ Send me on the lonely other side of the world ♪
♪ With a couple of guys and no alphabet ♪
♪ Put two and two together ♪
♪ We'll make it last forever ♪
♪ Just because of you ♪
♪ These things I have to go through ♪
♪ Is it so bad? ♪
♪ Is it so true? ♪
♪ Is it still you? ♪
♪ Just because of you ♪
♪ These things I have to go through ♪
♪ It's more than that, we're chained ♪
♪ There's no else to blame for us two ♪
( vocalizing )
♪ Just because of you ♪
♪ These things I have to go through ♪
♪ Is it so bad? ♪
♪ Is it so true? ♪
♪ Is it still you? ♪
♪ Just because of you ♪
♪ These things I have to go through ♪
♪ It's more than that, we're chained ♪
♪ There's no else to blame for us two ♪
( music playing )
( music continues )