Caitlyn, this is a process, okay?
But it's important for you to remember
that the only person who can save us is ourselves.
He's a monster.
A goddamn fucking monster.
That's what he is.
But I can't seem to get away from him.
Do you remember what drew you to Mitch in the first place?
We met at work, and...
...he was charming and mysterious.
He wined and dined me and took me traveling,
and...
he told me it was me and him against the world.
He made me feel important.
Hello.
My name is Robert Montague Renfield.
And just like all these decent folks,
I am in a destructive relationship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a lot.
Maybe we should just back up to the beginning.
Mr. Renfield, I bid you welcome.
I am...
-Dracula.
When I met him, I was a real estate lawyer
hoping to make a deal that would change my life
and my family's lives forever.
Oh, and it most certainly did.
You will make a very good assistant, Mr. Renfield.
I understand how Caitlyn feels.
I never drink wine.
He also wined and dined me.
He made me feel important.
He introduced me into high society.
-We went to the theater.
-We traveled to exotic places.
And then he made me his familiar.
Which means that I take care of Master's every need.
Including staff changes
and arranging his special dietary requirements.
Look, I didn't just jump into serving the Prince of Darkness.
We had some great times.
But just like all great times...
-Servant. -...they come to an end.
The hunters have returned.
Ah, yes.
The bugs. This comes up a lot.
Dracula's powers come from consuming human life.
Mine come from eating bugs.
Make sense? Great. Now, where were we?
-I'm coming, Master!
Shit. Fuck. Shit.
Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
Sh-Sh-Sh-Shit.
This is a protection circle, Renfield.
Mm.
He cannot escape.
Let us rid this world of his evil,
and you can finally be free!
Free?
The moment I'm gone,
they will lock you away for what you've done for me.
I am your only salvation.
I am your only friend.
I am the only one
who cares for you.
I actually remember thinking,
"He really, really means it this time."
Renfield!
We are the last of our kind.
From now on, every drop of blood Dracula spills
will be on your hands.
Fuck. I was not expecting that.
Or that.
Master, you okay?
No.
Yeah.
This is a fairly typical result.
At the peak of his powers, Dracula goes on
a full-tilt blood-sucking bender,
the good guys show up and do their thing,
and then it's up to me to clean up the mess.
- -It's what I call our transitional period.
So I take him to a new city, nurse him back to full power,
find a decent place to ride it out
until the whole cycle starts all over again.
Uh, excuse me. H-Hi.
May I borrow a pen, please?
Thank... you.
Which brings us back here.
In the meantime, I come here and listen to these poor souls
talk about their monsters.
You were just talking about Mitch, what...
I know this is, like, way down the list of bad stuff,
but he's also really into ska.
-The kind of music? -Yes.
Fishbone, Mustard Plug, Voodoo Glow Skulls.
I fucking hate that shit!
I'm so sorry, Caitlyn. I'm so...
-Mark, I am... I'm so sorry. -It's okay.
Is that the one that's 99% horns?
Yeah, see, that's what I was thinking.
No. That's a huge oversimplification
of ska's innovative contribution to music.
Oh, my God, who am I?
-Renfield? -Hmm?
Sorry, no, I swallowed a bug.
Unintentionally.
What-what other way is there to...
Would you like to share your story?
No. Thank-thank you. I don't think you'd understand.
I know it's scary.
And you think things are never gonna change,
but I promise you, one day you're gonna realize
that you can have the life that you want.
But in the meantime, I just hope
that you get something out of coming here.
I am.
That's great.
Oh, yes, I'm getting something
out of coming here: victims.
But not these victims.
Let's do our affirmations.
I am enough, and I have enough.
I deserve happiness.
I am grateful for all that I am,
and I take full charge of my life today.
They can repeat these
-affirmations all they want.
It'll never make their problems go away.
But I can.
Now, no one's ever gonna call me a hero,
but I've come up with a mutually beneficial solution
for people like Caitlyn:
get rid of their monsters by giving mine what he needs.
Hey, Doug. What are you doing over there, buddy?
There's somebody out there, Mitch.
Oh, my God, there's no one out there, Doug!
Bro, do you think the Lobo family is gonna
let us get away with this?
We stole their fucking drugs, man.
I don't want to hear it, Doug!
Goddamn it.
-What the fuck? -Oh, fuck.
That was the best part.
What the fuck, man?
This is exactly why you never set your picnic up
next to a pile of dog...
Shit! Okay.
Hello, Mitch.
Uh, look.
Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, hold on. I'm-I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm sorry.
It's too late for sorrys.
You took something you can never give back.
Well, we can give it back. That's not a problem.
We'll just give it all back to you. There it is.
Go ahead.
-Have it. No problem. -Uh...
-what is this? -It's the, um...
th-the drugs we stole from your boss, sir.
I'm sorry.
Uh, who do you think I am?
A-A hit man sent to kill us.
I am something much,
much worse.
I'm a friend of Caitlyn.
Oh, my God.
Get the fuck out of here. No, no!
Wait. What did you say about a hit man sent to kill you?
Oh.
Who are you?
A friend of Caitlyn's.
Uh, more of an acquaintance.
You were smaller from back there.
Funny.
Oh!
Looks like you're out of knives.
I was wrong.
Ah.
Yeah, of course the hit is going well.
I got Apache Joe on it.
The man cuts out people's tongues
with a hunting knife.
You tell him his name is racist.
-Come on!
Oh, shit.
Shit.
What the fuck?!
You, uh, been drinking tonight, sir?
No.
Why? You interested?
All right, get the hell out of here.
Everything okay over here, partner?
Yes.
Just frustrating being on this shit detail
when there's real crimes happening out there.
Drunk driving isn't real crime?
You know what I mean, Chris.
We got a stack of missing person reports to follow up on.
-Come on!
-Holy shit, it's Teddy Lobo. -What the fuck? Come on!
-Are you sure? -You know who I am?
I'm Teddy fucking Lobo!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Don't do anything crazy, Rebecca.
I'm just doing my job.
You do your job in a very crazy way,
especially when it comes to the Lobos.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
-Fuck it!
Look out, Chris!
Fuck a dick! Shit!
Don't move! Hands on the wheel!
I got a prescription for this shit!
Shit.
What did I fucking do?
-Is he throwing drugs at us? -Yes!
I didn't do anything wrong.
Fuck. Cocaine!
You can't fucking catch...
Are you fucking serious?
You're under arrest, bitch.
Fuck.
After decades of being
chased away from every corner of the globe,
our options and bank account have become a little limited.
It's not exactly a castle,
but it is exactly the kind of place
no one tends to notice a convalescing monster.
Master?
Master.
Oh, dear Jesus.
Master.
There you are.
You're looking...
...much better?
Fetch me the hand.
Yes. Right away.
There you go. A little amuse-bouche.
Palate cleanser.
-Ugh.
Is that good?
What is this?
Uh, that...
Uh, that is, uh... that's Doug, I believe.
Doug is trash!
You're feeding me trash!
I'm sorry, Master.
This one doesn't even have a head.
Oh, no, he did have a head.
You know, I don't ask for much, Renfield.
Just the blood of a few dozen innocent people.
I know. I'm sorry, Master.
Let's-let's get you sat down, and then...
I want happy couples, unsuspecting tourists,
a handful of nuns, a-a... a busload of cheerleaders.
A busload of cheerleaders?
A busload of cheerleaders
will get me back to full power like that.
Do you mean female cheerleaders?
Don't make it a sexual thing.
No, no. I did not say it was.
You know it's not the gender I'm concerned with.
You know, I-I'll eat boys, I'll eat girls.
It's the purity.
It alone will bring me back to...
Full power.
I get it, Master.
You deserve better.
But the modern world is a dangerous place.
Maybe if we were just a little bit more careful,
we could, you know, stop running.
You know, settle down, and I could have...
We could have a life again.
It must be difficult
to be caught between their rules and mine.
Their rules offer a confusing tangle of morality,
whereas mine are very simple.
You can kill and eat
whatever you want and never die.
And it truly is a gift.
And yet, you seem to think it makes you
some sort of a monster.
Do you have any idea how inconsiderate that is?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
My needs are the only thing that matters, servant.
And what exactly are my needs?
Um, your needs, your needs were the, uh...
uh, happy couples, u-unsuspecting tourists, uh...
nuns, nuns and a-a busload of cheerleaders.
Indeed.
I suppose this is what you'd call my health-care plan.
His blood has the power to heal the injured.
And there's not even a copay.
Unless you consider my soul.
You will get me exactly what I want.
I cannot go to jail.
I'll tell you anything you want to know.
What do you want to know?
Murders! Murders.
We fucking murdered so many fucking people in cold blood.
Like last night, for example, we murdered these people
for trying to steal our drugs.
That's a twofer, my man. That is a fucking twofer.
Nobody's been in the room yet, and he's already confessing.
You see that?
I'm gonna take down the entire fucking Lobo empire
off of one traffic stop.
Put her there, partner.
-Let's go. -What?
-Let's go. -I'm out?
-No. No! -Let's go.
-I didn't say a fucking thing, by the way. -What the f...
-I'm out, baby! -What the fuck is this?
Excuse me, everybody. Guess what.
Fuck you!
Fuck you and you.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this?
He was about to give up everything.
He was ready to say anything
because of the trauma you put him through.
He was already traumatized when I found him.
For crying out loud, Quincy.
- -Your job is to bust drunk drivers,
not single-handedly bring down the mob.
He was running from something, sir.
And then he crashed into a DUI checkpoint,
committed ten felonies,
and not to mention eff-you-ing a room full of cops.
-You eff-you me all the time. -Fuck you, Kyle!
Look, Quincy.
Your father was one of the most honest
and incorruptible cops I knew.
And you're a lot like him.
And before he passed, I promised your father that
I would do my best to take care of you.
But sometimes, you got to know when to play ball.
This ain't your stepping stone.
It's your rock bottom.
What the fuck are you guys looking at, huh?
Shit.
What'd you do this time?
What I do every time.
Catch Teddy Lobo committing a crime, and then:
What? Oh, surprise, he got away with it again.
And what about your-your little FBI, uh, task force up there?
You guys been back for four months.
What have you done about the Lobos?
Oh, oh, oh, a-a wiretap?
Subpoena? A fucking parking ticket?
A hard stare across a diner?
I am just as mad about what they did to Dad as you are.
I want revenge just as bad as you do.
But every day, I force myself to swallow that anger
so I don't fuck up my investigation.
And if you cannot learn to let that go...
...you're never gonna get the justice that you want.
You're not the only one who lost a dad here.
♪ Murder, murder, murder ♪
♪ When he bust in ♪
♪ Murder, murder, murder ♪
♪ When he bust in... ♪
Here you go. Take care of yourself.
-You earned it. Shower yourself in it. -(gasps) Thanks.
-Teddy. -Ooh! Okay.
Your mother wants to see you.
All right.
♪ Murder, murder, murder, when he bust in ♪
♪ Murder, murder, murder... ♪
Downstairs.
♪ You might've heard of him, the guy lost his nerve. ♪
Long, even strokes.
Hey, Mom.
Teddy.
You said you want... You said you wanted to see me?
Take a seat, please.
Do you even know why we became
the most powerful crime family in this city?
We're not the biggest. We're not the richest.
However, we are the most feared.
Our reputation for ruthlessness and violence
is something I have worked very hard to cultivate.
But lately, our enemies don't seem to be
as afraid as they used to be.
They're fucking scared, Mom.
Not the two-bit punks stealing our drugs.
Not the five families.
And not that fucking traffic cop.
This family is an empire, Teddy.
I built an empire.
And I need to know its future is secure.
I need to know whose hands it belongs in.
And I need to know those hands can get a little dirty.
I know Teddy's up to something.
I'm gonna find the evidence to make it stick.
Got a lot of orange paint.
What is that? Some kind of warning?
I think it's lyrics to a ska song.
Ska's not dead.
Fuck.
♪ You can touch the sky ♪
-♪ 'Cause there's a shot ♪
♪ In the night ♪
♪ Turning darkness into light... ♪
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Yeah! All right!
You think you'll get answers here?
I think we'll get dinner.
Maybe answers for dessert.
There she is.
You sure you want to do this, Teddy?
Yes, I am sure I want to do this.
That cop needs to be reminded who runs this town.
Oh, shit.
Fuck.
Oh, this is not a good look.
Not a good look at all. Abort. Abort.
Can you order me a number three?
The toilet just ordered a number two.
Sorry.
Who the fuck are these guys?
Move, and I'll blow your fucking head off.
-Take that, tourist!
Get down!
Hey, do me a favor.
Just remain calm,
and almost nobody will get hurt.
Thank you, Teddy.
I came here to connect you to a crime scene,
and you go and turn it into one.
What you trying to do?
Holy shit, were you trying to imitate your dad?
What do you think, your dad died some brave hero?
We beat the shit out of your father.
And while he was lying there on the floor,
he begged for his life.
Your dad was a coward.
But you know what? I want to save you that embarrassment.
I'm gonna give you the chance to live.
All you have to do is admit to everybody here
that we own you, too.
So, what's it gonna be?
Shoot me.
What?
You heard me, asshole.
Shoot me.
Shoot me like you shot my dad.
Or was that not you?
Were you waiting in the car
while one of your boys did it for you?
I'm more than happy to do it, Teddy.
Shut the fuck up.
Have you ever shot someone before?
I've shot a million fucking people.
Then add me to the list.
Come on, tough guy. Shoot me.
If you think this is a fucking game,
I will shoot you in your fucking face.
-Yeah? Dare you.
You want to be a fucking hero right now?
Okay, fine.
Here we go.
Congratulations.
You're better than your father.
Fuck! Shit!
-Oh.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh...
That was amazing. You were amazing.
What you did.
You stood up to him.
How did you do that?
What kind of life would I lead
under the thumb of one of those assholes?
A very... a very sad one.
Yeah.
Did I watch you cut a guy's arms off
with a decorative serving platter?
Oh, uh, y-yeah.
That was adrenaline.
Uh, it was awesome.
Um, I-I'm-I'm Rebecca Quincy.
Officer... Officer Quincy.
Robert Montague Renfield.
Oh, uh, Montague. Cool.
Are you from around here or...
Oh, no. I'm...
Uh, everywhere.
Ah, military.
That-that would explain all the moves.
Yeah, but forever ago-- the Great War.
Uh... Iraq.
Maybe not great, uh, you know,
but overall pretty good-- three out of five stars.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt whatever this is,
but...
can we get up now?
Uh, yeah.
If I could have everyone please, uh,
just line up for me for witness statements.
And if we could all thank Mr. Renfield
for his brave, uh, efforts today.
Thank you, Mr. Renfield.
You are the man, Mr. Renfield.
And, um, thank you.
Y-You... you saved my life.
I...
saved a life?
You saved all our lives.
You must really not be from around here,
'cause we certainly don't see your kind very often.
I'm sorry, what kind is that?
Heroes.
Hmm.
Wow. That was amazing.
She is amazing.
And she saw me.
She really saw me.
That hasn't happened in ages.
I'd forgotten what it feels like.
-Maybe there is hope. -Oh, God bless you.
Maybe she can...
Renfield.
What are you doing?
Get here now.
Ah, fuck.
Do you think it's too late to grab one of those nuns?
What did we talk about yesterday?
U-Um...
I've been up all day thinking about it.
Oh. What's this?
Ah. My plan.
Your plan?
But your plan has always been to just drink blood.
Exactly.
What have I been doing all these years?
I mean, look at me, lurking in the shadows and filth
like some kind of a diseased animal.
You said it yourself-- I deserve better.
So, why am I not embracing what I truly am?
Which is?
A god, Renfield.
An immortal, insatiable--
whoo!-- all-powerful being.
Everything you said about the modern world is true.
-It is a dangerous place. -Hmm.
Only not for us.
For them, it's a dangerous, sad, broken place
full of fear and desperation.
It's weak.
Longing for a powerful force to guide it,
control it, dominate it.
-Like you. -Hmm.
I mean, this entire society was designed by Renfields,
for Renfields.
So, why should I have to adapt to it?
It should have to adapt to me.
-I owe it all to you, servant. -Oh, no.
I think you actually might have read between the lines
-a little bit there. -Indeed.
We're in this together,
Dracula and Renfield.
From now on, humanity will no longer be divided
by the good and the evil,
only by followers...
and food.
You and I forever, until the end of time.
Bloody hell.
How is my life?
My life is like a...
never-ending hallway of fun house mirrors, but...
all the clowns are me.
Uh, hey, everyone.
I need your help.
Are you okay?
No.
I need to get out of a toxic relationship.
Okay. Well, well, well, well, take a seat and let her rip.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, yeah. Fuck Carol, I guess.
It's...
I hate her, too.
Why don't you start by telling us
what brought you here in the first place.
I was on the job.
Uh, for my boss.
Uh, well, and I was actually following Bob,
because I thought that Bob would make
a very good, um, uh...
Friend?
Yes. Thank you, Bob.
Thank you, Renfield.
And then, you know, I started to hear
all of your stories and...
I mean, they were all so sad.
That's us.
And, you know, for the first time in years,
I felt like I wasn't alone.
-You realized you're a codependent. -Mm-hmm.
I need to change. I can see that I-I need to change,
and, uh, I want to, but my boss,
he's pretty delusional, I think.
Uh, he thinks he can take over the world.
-He's a narcissist, Renfield.
We all know exactly how you feel.
-Yes. -Exactly.
No, he's different.
-You can't get him out of your head. -No.
Ooh, and you feel like he could kill you
with the snap of his fingers.
-Yes. Wouldn't even need to snap. -Oh.
He controls rats with his mind.
Uh...
It's okay, it's okay. He's on medication.
Renfield, this is codependency 101.
A narcissist will take full advantage
of a codependent's low self-esteem,
but you're the one with the real power.
And all you got to do is take it back.
How do I do that?
Focus on your needs.
I mean, I just haven't thought about
any of my needs in years.
But if you were to stop focusing on his needs, what would happen?
If I don't...
Yeah, what would happen?
Stop focusing on his needs.
What would happen?
-He won't grow to full power.
Exactly. He won't grow to full power.
What? That's so weird.
Why would you phrase it like that?
But yes, he's right.
He's absolutely right.
He won't grow to full power.
You can take all that energy you've spent on him
and put it toward yourself.
And then you will be the one who grows to full power.
-Yes. -Full power.
Me grow... I-I'm gonna grow to full power?
I want to hear you say it.
Say, "I'm gonna grow to full power."
I-I-I'm gonna grow to full power.
I heard you say it, but I didn't believe you.
-Nope. -Let me hear you say it again.
-I'm gonna grow to full power. -Yes!
I see a smile there because you like it.
Now, say it like the world needs to hear it.
I'm gonna grow to full power.
There you go!
-Yes! -That guy who walks
in here every single week, say goodbye to him.
This is the person you are now.
♪ Oh, oh, oh, am I ready? ♪
♪ Girl, there ain't a doubt ♪
♪ Am I ready? ♪
-♪ What you talkin' 'bout? ♪ -♪ Am I ready? ♪
♪ You gon' figure it out ♪
♪ To be loved, to be loved ♪
♪ You found me, I was fed up with the fantasy ♪
♪ What you wanna do... ♪
Here you go.
The power is in your hands.
That book is your armor.
It's your weapon. It's your Bible.
That's a cool ant farm.
Is there room for one more?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
Thank you.
Let's give him some ideas.
Do you know what a brush is?
-♪ Am I ready? ♪ -♪ Girl, there ain't a doubt ♪
Oh, and clean them nasty fingernails.
-♪ What you talkin' 'bout? ♪ -♪ Am I ready? ♪
Spa day. I'll go with you.
♪ To be loved... ♪
Get your chakras balanced, homes.
Ooh, and update that wardrobe to this century.
-♪ Am I ready? ♪
You would think that attacking a police officer
in front of a bunch of witnesses
at a restaurant would be enough to put Teddy Lobo behind bars.
You guys don't think I know what's going on here, huh?
I don't know how many of you assholes
are on the Lobos' payroll,
but there's only so much evidence you can tamper with
and so many witnesses you can intimidate.
All right? Because eventually,
someone brave enough is going to step forward,
and they're going to help me take down the Lobos
and all of you motherfuckers!
Permanently! Permanently!
Mr. Renfield?
Robert Montague Renfield, yes, at your service.
You look different.
-Oh. -Good different.
I really like your sweater.
Oh, thank you.
-I went to Macy's. -Oh.
Um, I'm here to give my witness statement.
You always bring flowers to give a witness statement?
Yeah, uh, well, th-they're for everyone.
-They're for everyone. -Everyone.
Do you, um... Probably put it in some water.
And the rest are for you.
-Thank you. -Yeah. Pleasure.
Rebecca, is this your boyfriend?
Shut the fuck up, Kyle!
Thank you for coming in, Mr. Renfield.
It really means a lot.
Yeah, it means a lot that I can actually
do the right thing, for once.
Well, if I could just stress how appreciative I am
that you're here, uh, because without you,
-I think I'd be a bit lost. -No.
You stood up for everyone who's ever lived in fear
of the powerful forces shaping their lives.
Okay? And you need to keep doing that,
because when people like you stop
standing up to people like them,
that's when the monsters take over.
So...
You are not lost.
You're an inspiration.
Thank you, Mr. Renfield.
It's Robert.
Robert.
This is the same prick
who took out everyone in the restaurant.
Who does he work for?
-The five fucking families? -I-I don't know.
But we've hacked into the NSA's Eye in the Sky,
and we can track him
using all these other cameras throughout the city.
Yes, I can get you access to whatever you want.
Yeah, and then we enhance.
-We got a trace on him. -Boom!
We did it. Now we can track his every move.
His last known location is at the old charity hospital.
You have until the end of the day to find him and kill him.
Give me ten minutes.
I'll take the end of the day.
Can you run the DNA on this pen through the Bureau's database?
And Interpol.
I can't trust this with anyone who works in my department.
This pen was found near a location
where these three guys went missing.
Teddy Lobo was fleeing from the same location
when I arrested him.
Huh.
Word on the street is these are the three guys
who allegedly stole drugs from the Lobos.
Right.
And the DNA evidence on this pen
just might connect Teddy Lobo to that crime scene.
Maybe it's a long shot, but I got to try.
Look, I know I-I haven't handled anything well
since Dad, um...
but I really need your help.
Can you run this pen?
Please.
Let's go. Come on.
What the fuck?
Holy fucking shit.
Ronnie, call my mom!
I'm on it.
Ronnie, call my fucking mom!
Hello, Ronnie?
Ronnie, is this another butt dial?
Did you guys fucking bail? Hello?
-Guys? -Teddy.
-What the fuck? Mom. -Teddy.
Mom?
Teddy?
Do you know who the fuck I am?
-Teddy? -I'm Teddy fucking Lobo.
-I am Count Dracula.
You win.
Who are you?
You were sent by the church?
Church? No.
What are you fucking talking about?
I'm a criminal.
My whole organization is about evil.
Evil. Oh, fuck.
Dude.
Why are you here?
I'm here because I want to find this guy!
I'm trying to find this guy.
He stuck his nose in our family business
and killed some of our guys
trying to save a bunch of innocent people.
So, what is he, like, your fucking roommate?
He's my servant.
He doesn't seem to be serving you very well.
You've reached Officer Quincy.
Please state your emergency at the sound of the beep.
-Uh, hi, Rebecca.
It's not an emergency. It-it's me, Robert.
What, uh, I was trying to ask was, um,
maybe you'd like to get a bite to eat...
Hello, Renfield.
I've been expecting you.
Please, come in.
Close the door.
Shit.
Marvelous attire.
Very colorful.
You look like the sort of boy who has to fight 'em off.
So, I suppose that's a no
as to you bringing me my dinner tonight, hmm?
-A no? No. -No?
No, not a no.
-No, not no? -Uh, yes.
Big yes to dinner.
Ooh. Um, a feast. A full feast, Master.
In fact, I'm so glad you're here.
Um, I was actually, um... I was on my way to see you.
Oh, you were on your way.
Yes, but I had, um, too many bodies.
-Oh, you-you have bodies, huh? -Yeah, too... too many.
Well, uh, so many bodies, um, that I couldn't carry them all.
-Uh, you should have seen it. -Mm. Mm-hmm.
The problem is my back has really been playing up.
Anyway, the-the plan is to rent a U-Haul, and that way,
-I'll be able to get all the bodies... -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You know what? It's so silly, but you don't have to worry,
um, and I-I won't bother you with my-my problems.
No, no.
Please, tell me all about your problems.
Tell me all about the gun-wielding criminals
who came after you for killing their men
because you were protecting so-called innocent people.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Master. I never meant to hurt you.
Hurt me?
Are you actually suggesting
that anything you could do would hurt...
me?!
No. No, no, no, no, no. No, Master, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean... I didn't mean that.
No, no, it's-it's all right. It's all right.
-Really? -No, it's... Yeah.
Let me explain something to you, okay?
-Okay. -I was wrong about you.
I should've realized what you were capable of
when you were so eager to join me.
I-I don't think I was eager.
I think that you caught me at a low moment
-and you maybe manipulated me, too. -No, no, no,
-no, no... -And you just caught me at a low moment
-and used some of your power... -...no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I use my power for a lot of things,
but I didn't need to use it on you.
You were a lawyer who wanted to get rich
off a real estate deal.
You're the one who used me!
You used my power because you're a husk.
An empty void that nothing can fill.
The only thing that gave your life any meaning was my power.
The power you used to bring me victims
while you pretended to be one yourself.
However, I'm the real victim here!
I'm the one you swore to protect!
And you...
abandoned me!
No.
That's not true.
Just like you abandoned
your wife and your daughter.
That's not... I didn't...
I didn't abandon them.
Look into your own eyes, Renfield.
You're the monster, Renfield, not me.
It's you.
No. No.
That's enough. That's enough.
What?
I will no longer tolerate abuse.
Stop laughing.
I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
You deserve only suffering.
Um, oh. I know being undead, it's a painful existence--
it is-- and I empathize with your pain.
Oh, please. Illuminate me.
Let me learn from you.
I will find everyone you have ever loved,
and I will drain them.
-I will reduce this... this... -S-Studio apartment?
...studio apartment until it's ash!
Uh... uh...
Affirmations, affirmations.
Uh, I'm enough, and, um, I deserve some happiness.
There is some other stuff that I have to say.
Who put these ideas in your head?
Of course.
What?
Shit.
You think Doug was murdered?
I can't say for sure, but I...
I hope he was fucking murdered.
I hope he was torn to itty-bitty pieces and then...
I shouldn't be saying that to a cop, right?
Karla, margaritas are ready!
Caitlyn! Oh, God. This...
Try this.
Are you Caitlyn Berggren?
I can be anybody I want now.
That's right. Yes, you can.
Did you file a missing persons report for Mitch Flaherty?
-Maybe. -Are you Caitlyn?
H-How do you two know each other?
-Um, from this support group thing. -
Uh, for people addicted to assholes.
-Assholes Anonymous.
At the Livespring Church.
I realized that I can identify healthy love.
I just don't think I deserve it.
Um, and that's partially the shame talking,
but also the rash...
Renfield?
Can I get through one fucking share, please?
Is, uh... is everyone okay?
-If that's what you want to call it. -MARK: We're all fine.
-What's going on? What's going on? -We, uh...
We need to leave. Now.
I mean, where's the rule that says we have to talk
about our feelings in a gym? Come on, please.
Up. Up. Let's go somewhere safe till morning.
Come on, up. Everybody, move. Come on.
Renfield, just take a deep breath.
We are all fine. I promise...
Mark, we need to leave now.
-All right...
Hi. Uh, are you here for the meeting?
Well, come on in.
No! No! No!
You can leave your top hat and cane by the door.
Renfield.
I'm...
feeling much better.
Don't.
Would you like to introduce yourself to the group?
I'm the prince of Wallachia.
Some call me the Dark One.
Others, the Lord of Death.
However, to most,
I am known simply as...
-Renfield's boss!
I am Dracula.
Okay. Obviously, we're dealing with
a little bit more than just narcissism here.
Master.
Please.
I should never have forsaken you.
You could've had everything.
I gave you the choice between
the power of a god
and the pathetic desperation of humanity.
Why?
Why would you choose this?
Because...
...that's what I am.
Master, please.
These are good people.
Good. You've finally brought me what I've been asking for.
Let's eat.
Please. Please. No.
No!
Please, Dracula!
No.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.
There are some experiences
worse than death, Renfield.
Such as spending the remaining years
of your miserable life
knowing all the depravity
you've witnessed in the last century
will be nothing compared to the suffering
I'm going to unleash on this world.
The world you chose over mine.
When I'm finished, the entire human race,
everyone you care about, will suffer.
Because you betrayed me.
-Holy shit. -Hands in the air.
I destroyed everything.
I'll call it in.
I thought I could save these people
by bringing Dracula all of their monsters,
but what I've really done is
deliver my monster right to them.
Did you call it in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What the fuck?
I'm sorry, Rebecca.
It's okay.
This is not about you, Miss Quincy.
It's about him.
I need to find out what happened to Teddy
and punish those responsible.
You, of all people, should understand that.
Well, I was gonna take him to jail.
You all should come, too.
Look, Quincy, this is a big arrest you made.
I want to offer you a full promotion.
Right? Better hours, better pay,
better parking space-- in fact, Kyle's parking space.
-Uh, hey. -Fuck you, Kyle!
Congratulations.
I know this is not exactly what you were hoping for,
but success really is the best revenge.
Okay.
Fuck!
I want the whole city activated.
Find them.
Attention, all officers.
Officer Rebecca Quincy is now a wanted fugitive.
She and her male accomplice are armed and extremely dangerous.
Officer Rebecca Quincy
and one unknown assailant.
Proceed with deadly force.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait. No, no, no, no, no.
This crime family of yours,
would it enjoy witnessing
the beheading of its enemies
and the impalement of all who oppose it?
That's-that's... that's, like, our...
that's, like, our whole thing, man.
And can the family raise me soldiers?
We can... I can make a couple calls, yeah.
Whatever pain Renfield caused you,
I will return 10,000-fold.
I will unleash an army of death
whilst warming my skin
next to mountains of burning corpses.
How does that sound to you?
It sounds like you got to meet my mom.
Are you happy, or are you gonna fuck me up?
How are you feeling?
Hope you're hungry.
It's okay.
It's okay, your gun and phone are on the side right there.
I'm just gonna... gonna set these down right here.
There we go.
-Where am I? -My place.
It's not an abduction.
In fact, uh, you know, I'm very much still in your custody.
Mind if I sit?
Snickerdoodle?
I don't want your murder cookies.
They're just regular cookies.
Well, I don't know what "regular cookies" means
to a murderer.
Um, I don't really know that, either.
Ooh. Careful.
-You should just rest up. -Oh. Okay.
-You okay? -Yes.
Give me the... give me the murder cookie.
-Oh, yeah. -Just not the one that looks like shit.
I don't know which one you think looks like shit.
Thank you.
Listen, I feel like I should give you an explanation.
No explanation necessary.
I don't want you to think of me as some kind of... murderer,
when it's really much more nuanced than that.
You know, if you just hear me out for a second,
then you'll understand I'm... I'm not such a bad guy.
I don't give a shit what kind of guy you are.
Okay, there's no need to be mean.
Excuse me?
I saved your life. Twice.
I'm not saying we need to be friends, but you're in
a lot of shit right now, and there's a very good chance
I might be the only person you can actually trust.
The fact that you are the only person that I can trust
just proves that I am monumentally fucked.
Well, maybe you're fucked because of
-your unresolved anger. -What?!
I'm no psychologist, but I've been to a couple of meetings...
Oh, you've-you've been to some meetings? Yeah?
Where the people come in, they're like, "Oh, hi.
How you doing?" Drink some coffee,
then get brutally fucking murdered?
Those meetings?
Uh, yes. Those meetings.
You know what?
I am angry.
I graduated top of my class,
and I'm still working DUI checkpoints
in a town with daiquiri drive-throughs.
I bust my ass for a city that is corrupt
and lets the people that killed my father
get away with anything they want to do.
But unlike you, I can't go and take out my anger
by killing every asshole on the street who I think deserves it.
I'm sorry. That sounds...
painful and, um...
I'm not taking out my anger, if you'd let me explain.
Please.
Okay.
By all means.
I work for Dracula.
What?
Dracula.
Dracula?
-Dracula. -Count Dracula?
No, no. President Dracula.
Yes, of co... Yes. Sorry.
Count Dracula. I'm... I'm his familiar.
I-I... you know, I tend to his needs,
including care, feeding, uh, you know,
anything especially during the daylight hours.
Like, you get Dracula people to eat?
I do other stuff, too.
Like what? Wash his cape?
No.
It's dry-clean only.
My God.
I cannot believe I bought into your bullshit.
You're not a hero.
You're not even a villain.
You're just a guy that kills random people.
What?
Rebecca, you were right.
I ran that pen through Interpol.
This is beyond the Lobos.
Whoever's responsible for those disappearances
has been linked to cases all over the world
going back decades.
If this is the same guy, he's probably 70 or 80 years old
and he might be the most prolific serial killer
the world has ever known.
So, where are you?
Where am I? Um...
I'm-I'm at his... I'm at his place.
But-but it's-it's okay because he's-he's in...
-he's in my custody. -What?
And he made me some cookies.
You didn't eat the cookies, did you?
No. I don't eat the cookies of strange men.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna head over there with my team.
No, no, no. Don't. I need to get him to you.
The Lobos are after him, too.
I don't know who we can trust.
Meet me at Café Du Monde in 20 minutes.
Okay, just... please be careful, Rebecca.
You, too.
Oh, shit.
Go, go.
All units, you have a green light.
Commence attack.
We need to find a bug. Now.
Why?
Their life force gives me power.
Their life force gives you power?
Yes. It's confusing, but trust me, it works.
Any second now, a shit ton of guys
are coming up those stairs, and if you want me to do
what I did at the restaurant, we need to find a bug now.
-You two, with me. -Go, go, go.
Come on. A juicy spider, anything.
Yes!
Give me that!
You're a bad man, Mr. Renfield!
Yeah, well...
Sometimes that comes in handy.
♪ I want to live in a new dimension ♪
♪ Take a rocket ship without no suspension ♪
♪ I want to live in a world where I ♪
♪ Can be who I am without having to try ♪
♪ Mum, Dad, let me breathe ♪
♪ Let me be free to come off my feet ♪
♪ When you're making a baby in missionary ♪
♪ Be prepared to accept them for what they're gonna be ♪
-Ooh. -That son of a bitch can fly?
♪ Super dead kids with super dead friends ♪
♪ You're inside my head, you're inside my head ♪
♪ Super dead kids with super dead friends ♪
♪ We got something left, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Each other... ♪
-Oh, shit! -Whoa.
-Oh, shit! -Oh, shit.
♪ Super dead kids with super dead friends ♪
♪ We got something left ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, each other ♪
♪ I got a travel ban from this planet ♪
♪ They locked me in a room with a man with no manners ♪
♪ We don't care if you're Black or you're white ♪
♪ Asian or sexually intertwined ♪
♪ It's time to take a look at the world through our eyes ♪
♪ If you stick around, you may like what you find ♪
♪ Take two from me and you start to divide ♪
♪ It'll give you all the energy ♪
♪ Times it by five ♪
♪ 'Cause they'll never know where you were coming from ♪
♪ Super dead kids with super dead friends ♪
♪ You're inside my head, you're inside my head ♪
♪ Super dead kids with super dead friends ♪
♪ We got something left, yeah, yeah, each other ♪
♪ Super dead kids with super dead friends ♪
♪ You're inside my head, you're inside my head. ♪
You know when something crazy happens
and someone's like,
"I'm so sorry you had to see that"?
-Mm. -And the other person's like,
"It's okay, I've seen way worse"?
Yeah.
Everything I saw you do today is gonna be my "way worse."
This shit's gotten completely out of control.
And for what? Teddy?
He's a freaking idiot.
I'm sorry, Bella, but I'm out.
Get the fuck out my way.
This whole family is fucking nuts.
Oh, hey. I was just talking about...
Looks like he's back in.
Son.
Oh, Mom.
Where have you been?
Oh, I've been getting my hands real fucking dirty.
Come here. I got to show you someone.
Right there. Put it down right there.
Right in front of the head.
It's fucking Dracula!
It's the real fucking Dracula!
Fuck, man!
He wants to take over the world with us.
Hello, Mr. Dracula.
Or should I say Prince Dracula?
Enchantée.
The pleasure is all mine.
We have much to discuss.
Oh.
Okay.
God, I hope my sister gets here soon.
There's a lot of heat on us.
I took my family to a place like this in London
the morning I left for Dracula's castle.
You had a family?
I did.
Um, it was a... a long time ago.
A really long time ago.
Yeah, I'm older than I look.
That's Lilian. She was five then.
I thought going to Europe
to make some big deal with a count
would give us the life we deserved.
Or, um...
what I thought I deserved.
I let them down in so many ways.
You know, that's his greatest power.
He looks into your eyes and finds
what you think you need to make your life whole.
Your... your dreams and your desires
and your... greed.
Your shame.
I blamed him for forcing me to abandon my family,
but that... that's not true.
I...
I wanted all those things, and I chose to follow him.
I'm not a victim. I'm...
I made all those mistakes on my own.
Look, I don't think you're such a bad guy.
Life throws a lot of shit at you,
but sometimes you fall under the thrall
of a vampire for a few decades,
and sometimes you call your sister an unbearable twat
at Grandma's birthday party.
You should make things right with your sister while you can.
Hmm?
Speaking of.
I'm gonna call her.
Renfield. It's so wonderful
that you have finally found someone
who does inspire you to grow as a person.
Hey, where are you?
I have found some people
who will unleash my potential as well.
They understand this world
for what it is and what it needs.
Hello, Rebecca.
Looking for someone?
Where's my sister?
I offered you so much, Rebecca,
but you put your faith in such fragile institutions
instead of something far more enduring.
We've got your sister.
She doesn't have much time.
Rebecca, where are you going?
-To get my sister. -Rebecca, you don't understand.
It's not just the Lobos. It's...
Dracula is with them.
-Fine. I'll go myself. -Look, please.
I tried to stand up to him,
and he killed people I cared about.
I can't let that happen again.
You want to be a hero, Renfield?
You have to risk everything.
And as someone that cares about you,
you're never really gonna be free until you face him.
You care about me?
Is that what it takes to get you in the car?
All right, if we're gonna do this,
we need to prepare, and we need to do it before sunset.
I'm ready to do it before lunch.
Okay.
Let's face it, they know we're coming,
so let's go in style.
Yeah, just guns won't be enough.
I'm gonna need bugs-- lots of bugs--
wooden stakes,
uh, crucifixes,
and, uh, maybe a protection circle.
What the fuck is a protection circle?
It's a circle made of powder that--
it-it traps demons if you say the right,
-uh, Latin stuff. -Forget it.
♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na... ♪
Oh, once it's dark, it'll be too late.
Can you maybe save that for later?
Oh, sorry.
-It's all in... -Is it in my teeth?
It is in every tooth.
-♪ Dress like a sleeper cell ♪ -♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na ♪
♪ I'd rather go to hell ♪
♪ Pull this pin, let this world explode. ♪
Uh...
No matter what happens in there, ju...
Make sure you save your sister.
Must be nice...
not needing to be invited in.
Wait a second. Wait a second. Don't I know you?
Because you look so...
...familiar.
Afternoon, Officer.
Shit. I'm out.
You think I need guns to fuck you up?
Let's do this. What the fuck?
Fuck!
You should've taken my offer when you had the chance.
Now the only choice you're gonna get
is which one of your limbs I'm gonna tear off first!
Go!
No!
Oh, this must drive you crazy-- him choosing me over you.
I don't really have strong feelings about it.
I'm clearly the yin to your yang.
We've barely met twice.
You patronizing piece of shit!
Oh, my goodness.
You almost scared me.
Where's my sister?
Oh, that.
One moment, please.
I need to set the mood first.
-Hello, Rebecca.
Don't worry.
I won't hurt you.
It's nice to finally meet you.
I can only imagine what you might have heard about me
from poor Renfield.
Besides making him bring you people to eat?
Well, we did have a complicated relationship.
However, when I saw you through his eyes,
I knew I had to make things right.
Having Dracula powers is fucking amazing.
Stop saying "Dracula powers."
Fine. What do you call it?
It's a curse.
God, you're such a fucking drama queen.
Would you please listen?
They come with a cost, okay?
You'll become his slave.
See, that's where you're wrong, because Master told me...
Shit.
Mm-hmm.
For half a millennium, I've seen only weakness
in the hearts of men.
And then I looked into yours.
Renfield used only the smallest taste of my power
to do what he thought was good.
Imagine what I could do, Rebecca, with you by my side.
We could bring the justice you seek
to those who've escaped it for too long.
-And I can heal your sister.
My blood will bring her back.
No.
Say the word, Rebecca,
and I will undo what the Lobos have done.
All I ask in exchange...
...is for you
to join me.
No, don't listen to him.
He said the same shit to me.
Can you save her?
Yes.
What did he call you again?
An empty fucking husk?
See, that... that is why
Dracula and I work so well together.
I'm a full husk,
full of everything you're not.
Strength, power, loyalty!
Her time is running out.
Oh, join me.
Don't.
I told you, this is what he does.
So what?
I lost my dad.
I can't lose my sister.
And if he can give her back to me...
...I don't care if I lose myself.
You were wrong about him.
He's not a monster.
He wants to be better, like you.
Maybe I can help.
In all the darkness, I can find the light.
Shit.
That was impressive.
I can see what Renfield saw...
in you.
Now he'll see it go into me.
Congratulations.
You shot my foot.
Your foot still bleeds.
Die!
No! Oh, no!
You can't take my teeth.
You see, there will always be people like you.
There are far more Renfields in this world
than there are Rebeccas.
He's right.
There are millions of people like me.
I am enough...
And they're all
trying to figure out
how to overcome their destructive relationships.
Always remember, you're the one with the real power.
Millions of codependent people.
I am the dark poetry in the hearts of all mankind.
-Millions of people
just like me.
All you got to do is take it back.
Do you know what you are?
Yes, I do.
-I'm Robert...
Montague Renfield,
and I'm a codependent.
You're right. You didn't have to use your power
to make me your servant,
because I gave all my power to you.
And I can take it back.
I am enough!
And I have enough!
And I am capable of change!
Because I love myself.
-I'm taking...
full charge of my life today!
Look into my eyes, Dracula.
Full power, motherfucker.
Holy shit, it worked.
Is that a protection circle?
I got the instructions off a Wiccan Tumblr.
Oh. And-and that?
-Cocaine. -Really?
Yeah. I guess any kind of powder works
as long as you say the right magic words.
Wow. Thank you, Wiccan Tumblr.
So, um, what do we do now?
♪ I wake up each morning ♪
♪ With your sweet kiss on my mind ♪
♪ The early morning sun shining through ♪
Any last wishes?
I wish to spend a season in hell,
where all the amusing people are.
Hail Satan!
♪ I see your face in every... ♪
Yes, I know this looks extreme,
and maybe a little fun,
but to our defense, there is so much
folklore out there about how to actually kill a vampire,
it gets confusing.
You know, I've personally seen him come back
from some crazy shit, so why not try everything?
You know, I'm not even 100% sure this will kill him,
but I do know it will take him a long, long time
to come back from.
♪ You're my yesterday, tomorrow and today. ♪
You were right.
Success is the best revenge.
Touché, ma chérie.
Au revoir, bitch.
Hey. You okay?
Renfield said you guys gave me some...
Dracula blood?
Oh, no, no. It's a euphemism for, uh...
it's an... it's an... like, an herbal remedy.
Okay. So, do you think they carry it at GNC?
Yeah. Yeah, I th-think so.
I love you, Kate.
So...
There's only one thing left to do.
You know...
I've got to pay for what I've done.
I don't want you to go somewhere just to punish yourself.
You belong out in the world.
People have a lot to learn from a person like you.
Like what?
It's never too late to be a hero.
Hmm.
I was lost in a world of darkness
for a very long time,
but with all of your help,
I, um...
I found a way out.
Without you, I would never have learned that...
...I could save myself.
And thank you for using Dracula blood
to bring us all back to life.
-You know, if it...
if it wasn't for you, uh, none of us
would have learned what it's like
to come back from the other side,
having seen things
that you can't unsee.
And know things
that you can't unknow.
Okay.
Fantastic meeting today, guys.
-Truly.
I hope he's okay.
-He'll be all right. -Hmm.
My name is Robert Montague Renfield,
and I'm a codependent.
But I no longer feel like a victim,
because I've finally faced my demons.
You might also say I chopped my demons up
into tiny little pieces, encased them in concrete
and flushed them down the drain.
And if I can find the power to do that,
then maybe everyone can.
Metaphorically speaking.
♪ I'm free to do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I said I'm free to do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I say love me, hold me ♪
♪ Love me, hold me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free ♪
-♪ I say love me ♪ -♪ Love me forever ♪
-♪ Hold me ♪ -♪ And love will never die ♪
♪ Love me, hold me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free ♪
♪ Do you hear what the man say? ♪
♪ These are the words me hear from my granddaddy, come ♪
♪ These are the words me hear from my granddaddy ♪
♪ He would say nothing in this world ♪
♪ Like when a man know he free ♪
♪ Free from the lockup, me say free from the debt ♪
♪ Free like a butterfly, free like a bee ♪
♪ These are the words me hear from my granddaddy ♪
♪ Said it's nice to be free, nice to be free ♪
♪ Free from the lockup, me say free from the debt ♪
♪ Don't be afraid of your freedom ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free to do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I'm a new creation ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free ♪
♪ To do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ Don't be afraid of your freedom ♪
♪ I said I'm free to do what I want ♪
♪ To be what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I said I'm free to be who I choose ♪
♪ To get my booze ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free ♪
♪ To do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I'm free ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free ♪
♪ To do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I'm free ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free to do what I want ♪
♪ Any old time ♪
♪ I'm free ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm free. ♪