[grand orchestral fanfare playing]
["Presents for Christmas" by Solomon Burke playing]
♪ Oh, this is gonna be a groove for me ♪
♪ It's gonna be a little something different ♪
♪ But we gonna give it to 'em anyway ♪
♪ Are you ready? Come on! Ha! ♪
♪ We wanna give out a present to everybody this Christmas ♪
♪ All around the world
♪ For every man, woman, boy and girl ♪
♪ Are you ready right now?
♪ Come one, here we go
♪ Ah, I like it like that, come on ♪
♪ That's it, all right, come on ♪
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Christmas presents around the world ♪
♪ Something mighty sweet to see ♪
♪ If only if I just had
♪ A present for everyone
♪ Under one great big Christmas tree ♪
♪ Every boy that wants a brand-new toy... ♪
Jacket. Jacket. Jacket.
-Okay, see you later. -[door closes]
♪ For every Johnny that wants a car ♪
♪ Every junior that wants a mobile bike ♪
♪ That rides and rides and rides ♪
♪ Now my little daughter
♪ She wants a doll that cries
♪ One that walks and wipes its eyes ♪
♪ And I see there's someone...
[phone ringing]
RECEPTIONIST: Flaxman's Auction House.
How may I direct your call?
♪ Just to lean her head in their arms ♪
[phone chimes]
♪ What a Christmas present, this Christmas ♪
♪ Oh, what a gift you could be
♪ You know if I could just give out ♪
♪ Christmas presents to everyone ♪
♪ Under one great big Christmas tree... ♪
I mean, obviously, it's not the usual way of doing the pricing,
but I figured if we give people
a high percentage of the money we make,
they'll be more likely to give us more things
in the future, so...
In the end, everyone wins.
Have you told Flaxman?
Uh, no. No, I just want to finish it first.
♪ Christmas presents around the world ♪
♪ Something mighty sweet to see ♪
♪ Only if I just had a present for everyone ♪
♪ Under one great big Christmas tree ♪
[phone chimes]
♪ Well, every boy that wants a brand-new toy ♪
♪ For every Johnny that wants a car ♪
♪ For every junior...
-Ah, Mr. Flaxman. -Bernard.
This is Henry Hackford
of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Uh, it's an honor to meet you, sir.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'd like you to take him through your new catalog.
The Museum are potential purchasers
of many of your treasures.
Yes, right.
Um, I'm just kind of late for something. It's...
Okay. Sure, sure.
Oh, it'd be a pleasure, sir.
Of course. Thank you.
Thank you.
[whispering]: Why are you carrying such an ugly bear?
It's a particular focus on cartography
and the natural world.
I'm really proud of the breadth and...
range of pieces we've got in this sale.
Thank you.
Work ye, Bernard. Work ye.
♪
[squeaks]
[keys jingle]
Hello, Bernard.
Um, I-I'm so sorry.
I-- Let-let me just explain everything.
I already know what happened.
It was, "Of course, Mr. Flaxman,"
and work, work, work.
And you missed your daughter's birthday.
I mean-- [sighs]
Uh, yes, t-that's pretty much it.
Really, I'm so sorry, I ju-- [sighs]
Okay. Should I wake her up
so you can give her your present?
Yeah, uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, of course, um...
Uh, just give me one second.
I just, uh, I just need to sort something.
[chuckles]
[breathing heavily]
Oh. Hey.
Hey. Hey, sweetheart.
[cartoonish voice]: Happy birthday!
[normal voice]: Huh? Okay. Yep.
Um, well, I... I got this for you.
Groceries?
No, no, uh, let me just help you with that.
It's a jewelry box, golden jewelry box.
Unbelievable, Bernie.
I think it's stuck.
Uh, oh, this is your first antique.
Isn't it pretty?
Sweetie, why don't, um...
you go to your room and pack a bag for Grandma's, okay?
Okay.
[inhales sharply] Oh, Bernie.
What are we gonna do? I, um...
I think I'm gonna take Eve to my mom's like we planned,
but, uh... I'm just gonna need some time there.
At least through the holidays and...
I-I think it's best if you don't come.
[chuckling]: What?
Julie, no-- please, y-you're kidding.
Please be kidding.
No, Bernie, I am so not kidding.
This is the least funny conversation of my life.
It's been going on for such a long time.
It's like...
It's like you've forgotten who we are.
And what a family means. And I--
I'm really sorry about the box.
What she really wanted for her birthday was a dollhouse.
Though I'm sure an hour of her dad's undivided attention
would've been just as good.
Bernie, it is one thing to drop the ball with me,
but with Eve?
[footsteps approaching]
[Eve clears throat]
JULIE: I'll be back, okay?
You missed my birthday.
Oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Mom says you're a selfish bastard.
S-She was joking.
Well, d-darling...
♪ Bells will be ringing
♪ The glad, glad news
♪ Oh, what a Christmas
♪ To have the blues
♪ My baby's gone
-[knocking] -♪ I have no friends
FLAXMAN: Come in.
♪ Please come home for Christmas... ♪
Bernard. Sit ye. Sit ye.
♪ Once again.
Thank you for taking me through the catalog last night.
It was very eye-opening.
Well, I'm glad it was for you, sir.
I have to say, it was a complete disaster for me.
Oh, dear.
By the time I got home yesterday,
I'd missed my daughter's birthday.
And then, my wife,
uh, she decided that she was gonna...
well, sort of move out for a bit.
That's terrible.
I need to find a way right now t-to make things right.
What I'm trying to say is I-I'm gonna need
more than just the holidays off.
I'm gonna need a few more weeks
to fight for my marriage.
Mm.
Yes, of course you are.
Oh.
Really? Oh, thank you, sir.
Will that be enough, though?
I-I honestly don't know, sir. I hope so.
And what if we take it one step further?
What if we extend this sabbatical
to say, I don't know, 12 months?
And after that, another 12 months.
And then another 12 months.
Are you-- are you suggesting I take three years off?
Five years. Ten years!
Let's go nuts! [chuckles]
All right. It sort of sounds like you're firing me, sir.
[laughing]: Yes, I suppose I am.
You're a very evil person, sir.
Or a very clever businessman.
And you'll have years to decide which. [laughs]
♪
[sighs]
[door opens]
[door closes]
Bernie.
Hey, Lenny.
What do you think?
They let me spruce the place up a bit.
Seasonal. Everyone's included.
Yeah, it's very nice.
How you doing, man?
Very badly.
I can tell by looking at you.
It's making me sad.
Okay, well, sorry to be a downer.
No, no, you want to talk? You want me to get another chair?
You want to-- I g-- I'm reading this great book.
This might be helpful.
It's a book about parallel universes.
You know about this?
There might be another you in another universe,
having a great life right now.
Maybe think about that. That's uplifting.
Is it not?
Do you-- What are you doing for Christmas?
You want to come over?
You can hang out with the cats. It's fun.
You watch them, they fight. There's one that lives outside.
Y-You're very kind, but...
♪
[exhaling]
[screaming]
[soft whooshing]
[indistinct murmuring]
[Bernard grunts]
[murmuring continues]
[groans]
Oh, my God!
[Scottish accent]: You'd think I'd get used to it,
but I never do.
[grunts]
Okay, no, no, no, you stay back, just stay back.
I-I don't want to hurt you,
but I will hurt you
if you-- if you don't get out of here.
No, no, no.
H-Help!
Oh, no. It's fine. What do you want? What do you want?
Seriously, you can take everything.
Oh, you're just wailing and crying
like a little baby goat.
-[bleating] -Uh, I don't know what you're--
I-I don't-- I wish-- I wish I understood what you're saying.
[clears throat]
[coughs]
[coughing continues]
[inhales sharply]
[American accent]: Is this better?
Is it-- Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Then let's get to it.
Your wish is my command.
[laughing]: Yeah, okay, yeah, no.
[panting]: That's funny 'cause of the--
I wish you'd stop trying to kill me.
Oh, this? No, this is--
That's just force of habit.
Who are you? How'd you get into my house?
Oh, wh--
I was in the box.
O-Okay, sure.
Listen, uh, look, I-I don't judge you,
or whatever recreational prescription drug
of choice you've taken.
Just don't touch that. I-I need you to get out of my house.
Okay? Seriously, how did you get in?
Okay, I'm going to talk slower for you.
That box...
that you were rubbing...
I was in it.
[chuckles] Okay, sure.
Sure, and how-- and how do you
get inside a box that's nine inches wide?
Really good question. It's a really simple answer.
You know, classic setup.
[chuckles]
Angry sorcerer.
[thunder rumbling]
[gasps]
You know, crazy eyes.
-[screaming] -Pointed a finger at me.
Puff of smoke. Spinning and turning trough time and space.
[screaming]
The next thing I know,
I'm inside this stupid box.
[laughing]: Okay, wow, wow.
I know!
Now, that's a strong move.
The "I'm a genie" home invasion excuse, that's--
It's not an excuse.
I am a genie.
Right, yeah.
-Right, right, right. -Mm-hmm.
BERNARD: Damn.
I mean, the whole thing is--
No, no, no, you-you...
-Back off. -Okay. All right.
Let's just...
You make wishes, and then I make them come true.
That's how this whole thing works.
Okay, so you're saying you're an actual genie.
-Correct. We're like ghosts. -Sure.
Or-or dragons or unicorns.
You know, it's like you-you think we don't exist,
and then you bump into one and you're like,
"Oh, hey. Oh, look at that. A genie, genie, genie.
Genies everywhere."
Okay, well, you better get
your next alibi ready pretty quick.
Okay, how about this? Um, I-I wish...
Bring it.
...that my phone wasn't dead.
A-And, oh, I know. How about a camel?
I wish I had my very own camel.
Huh? That seems reasonable, right?
Sure thing, boss.
It's whatever floats your boat.
[phone chimes]
Okay, uh...
I mean, that's a coincidence. The...
Hmm.
Is that a coincidence?
-[camel groans] -[screams]
-[laughs]
Okay, I-I-I take back the camel wish. I take it back.
Everybody always takes the camel wish back.
[camel groans]
Oh, my God.
[chuckles] T-That is interesting, though. The...
♪
I just don't want Eve growing up with a dad
who never seems to put her first.
I had to push back at some point.
-That's right. -[sighs]
God, the problem with Bernard is...
And you know I still love him.
But the problem is that he thinks everything
will just be okay in the end.
Hmm.
[scoffs]
He is my guy,
but...
he just won't live in the real world.
[both laugh]
Wow. This is so cool.
Oh, my grandma always used to say,
"You don't get nothing for free."
I wish she could see me now. [chuckles]
Hello, Bernard.
[gasps]
Oh, look at you. You're as thin as a rake.
Okay, on second thought, no hard feelings, Grandma,
I wish she couldn't.
Got it.
I-I did not like that.
-[chuckles] -Okay, so wait, am I...
Have I blown it already? Am I already out of wishes?
No, keep at it.
What about the whole three wishes thing?
[whispers]: Fairytale stuff.
[normal voice]: Real genies, unlimited wishes.
Wow, we have to be very careful, don't we?
Uh, you do. If you want my advice,
I would say use the words "I wish"
with the caution that you would usually reserve
for "please castrate me."
Just, you know.
[blows nose]
[sniffles] Oh.
What?
-Problem? -What? N-No, no. Me? No problem.
No, blow away. [chuckles]
I-I just suppose a lot of things have changed
since you were last out.
-Always do. -Oh.
It's different every single time.
Wow, so you've been out of the box before?
Oh, yeah. I mean, here and there, yeah. But, I mean...
I don't know, from the looks of this place,
I'm thinking, this time, it's been a really long one.
I mean, give or take a day or two,
-if-if-if my dating on the box is right... -Yeah. Okay.
I'd-I'd say about... 2,000 years.
2,000 years?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay.
That's new information to me.
-Is it? -That's... Yeah.
All right, well...
[sighs] Let's just get to work.
Just hit me. You know, tell me what you want.
Is it girls?
Gold? Golden girls?
-Extra girls in gold, or what? -Yeah, no, no,
-come on. That's... -Well, I mean,
you don't have to be embarrassed.
I know the score. You know? I make you rich,
you go live in a palace, you get five wives,
you start to get fat, then you get mad at me,
-and you put me back in the box. -No, no.
You've actually got me all wrong.
Uh, money can't help me. It's...
Uh... [sighs]
My wife and kid, they-they just left for her mum's
and looks like it might be the start of a whole...
a "trial separation" period.
What is-- What are we-- What is this?
-What are we doing? -Oh, no, nothing.
And, uh, then my boss went and fired me.
Wow, that is "tough."
Yeah, that's not really how it w-works.
Okay, well, I like it,
and I've been in a box for 2,000 years,
so I'm just gonna keep that one.
-Sure, okay. -So, about your
sleazeball "boss," um,
do you want me to kill him?
I'm kind of a sword and slice gal.
I just get in... [grunts] get it done.
Um...
I will go with no.
-Oh. -I mean, thank you.
Okay, that's too bad 'cause I'm...
It's kind of like my specialty,
-if you know what I mean. -Sure.
Okay. Hit me with it. What do you want?
My three big wishes would be to-to get my child
to love me again, to get my wife to love me again,
and for us all to be happy.
Oh. Okay, uh,
it doesn't work like that.
Uh, wishes can't change people's feelings,
but, yeah, that's
just kind of one of the big rules. It's like a no.
Okay, um... Right.
-We've-- That's a problem. -Yeah.
Can I just ask, time travel, can we do that?
'Cause that could solve everything.
Or is that not...
That's a "no can do."
No time travel. That's crucial.
You would just destroy the history of the world.
I don't know, maybe we can figure out
some kind of plan that would "encourage
your wife and child"
to start to feel differently about you. Right?
Yeah, good. Good.
-You're right. -Yeah.
-It's time for action. -O-Oh, great.
-It's time for action. -Oh.
-I like this. -I-I wi-- Oh, by the way,
-my name's Bernard. -Oh, Bernard.
-Yeah, Bernard Bottle. -Bernard. Oh, Bernard.
Bernard. Bernard Bottle.
Maybe you ever-- You ever just go by "Nardo"?
Uh... uh, I don't
-personally, no. -No? Okay, think about it.
Uh, Flora Gwendolen Locheed,
uh, Firepit McAllister.
-Oh, beautiful name. -Yeah. Oh, well, thank you.
So nice to meet you.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
-Yeah. Okay. [chuckles] -Yes.
-That's good. Thank you. -Oh, is that good? Okay.
-Oh, got it. And then it stops. -Thank you. Uh, yeah.
-That's it. -Got it.
But I-I wish... I wish
we were at my mother-in-law's house.
I can do that.
[grunts, groans]
-[laughter inside] -Okay. Yeah, that's--
-It's a bit of a doozy. -[sighs] Yeah.
All right, take a... [inhales deeply]
-No, I'm good, I'm good. -Okay, okay.
-I'm good. -All right.
[whispers]: Oh, there she is.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, okay. What's the plan? What're we gonna do?
I-I don't know. I'm winging it. Maybe this was a bad idea.
-May-Maybe. -Was it?
It's better to have a plan than not a plan.
Okay, but you know what? We're here now.
So, let-let's do something, okay?
-Right? -Okay.
We're going back to, you know, back in my day...
-Right. -...when a man or a woman
was trying to woo, you know, someone, suitor,
-whatever you want to call it... -Sure.
Mating dance. You want to keep
-this counterclockwise... -Okay.
...and this clockwise.
Don't ever sync them up together.
BERNARD: I don't know if I-I can do that.
Is that...?
-Okay. -Oh, God, no, she saw me.
-She saw me. -It's good.
-You can talk to her. -Ah. What am I gonna say?
-Can't we just vanish? -[door opens]
Bernard?
W-What are you doing here?
Hi. Um...
I-- You know what? I-I-I was just passing through,
and I thought I'd-I'd just check to see if
-you got here okay. [chuckles] -[door closes]
Who-who is this?
-Flora. -Um...
This is F-Flora, yes.
-She's-she's a-a friend... -Yup.
...from work.
Yeah, it's nice to meet you, ma'am.
Um, you know, we-- Uh...
I do work with Nardo.
You know, we go to the workplace together,
and we-we do work things in our,
in our work location.
BERNARD: You know what the funny thing--
The reason why you look so awesome is--
You just went to a Renaissance fair, didn't you?
Didn't you?
-Didn't I? -Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Look, Bernard, I don't know... what you're up to,
but I-I think you should go home.
-Too much. Too weird. Get-- -Yeah.
Go sleep it off.
So nice meeting you.
It's-- Uh, I-I like your sweater.
[door closes]
I think that went well. [clicks tongue]
I wish we were back at my place.
FLORA: Think, Nardo.
What is the way to get to a woman's heart?
Uh, love, kindness, consideration,
offering to do the washing up...
Okay. A-All of that's lovely,
but, also,
a massive sack full of gifts is really good, too.
Okay. We can crack this.
Uh, are there any markets near here?
Yeah. I mean, sure, a few.
I mean, this town's pretty famous for its shopping.
Oh, we're in a town?
Yeah, quite a big one. New York.
Oh, a new town. Well, la-di-da-di.
But, um, for now, why don't we get some food?
You must be pretty hungry
after a couple of thousand years in a small box.
Uh, you can say that again.
Well, uh, uh, I wish we had
a large pizza from John's on Bleecker,
extra pepperoni, extra cheese.
Ooh!
Hmm.
-BERNARD: Ta-da. -FLORA: Huh.
Hmm.
I mean, I-I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, um,
it just seems like things
maybe were a little bit better back in my day.
We would wolf down, like, a whole fresh deer,
or snatch a salmon right out of the stream
with our bare hands and just, ah.
You know, this is, what?
Okay.
This is just a triangle of red bread.
Well, yeah, I-I mean, I get what you're saying,
but why don't you just give it a try?
-Really? -Yeah, give it a go.
[sniffs]
-Mmm. -Huh?
-Wait a minute. -Yeah?
Wait an ever-loving minute!
This is heaven.
See? Some new things are pretty cool.
Uh, uh, this.
-This is gonna blow your mind. -Okay. [chuckles]
Whoa. Uh, that's not what I meant.
Eh, that's not really what it's for.
It's not as good.
Really? Um, no.
Just, uh, pick a song. Hit something.
That's not what I meant.
Maybe a bit more gentle.
Oh. What is it? Oh, "Spotifee."
BERNARD: We call it Spotify. Okay, just one.
[whispers]: Gentle, gentle, gentle.
-One line. Yeah. -[normal voice]: Oh, just one.
["O mio babbino caro" playing]
Something wrong?
No, something is incredibly right.
My-my ears were made to hear this music.
I mean... my wh-- my whole soul
is... [stammers] soaring.
Like a, like a flock of flamingos.
This new music is incredible.
Yeah, actually, the music isn't particularly new.
It's actually pretty old.
Why don't you try again?
♪ Collipark, Bubba Sparxxx
♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty... ♪
[chuckles]
♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty
♪ Rockin' everywhere
♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere... ♪
[grunting] Hey, hey.
Oh, yeah! This is even better.
[laughs] Whoo!
♪ For 'bout a month or two
♪ Put a tan on it then see
♪ What it do, I found you, Ms. New Booty... ♪
Hey, can you, can you not, please?
Hmm, no?
[grunting]
♪ For 'bout a month or two
♪ Put a tan on it, then see what it do ♪
♪ Get it ripe, get it right, hit it tight. ♪
God, he must be so lonely already.
Don't panic.
Look, silence and solitude will make him realize
what's really important in this life.
["March of the Crabs" by Anvil playing]
-Oh! Ah! -Man, I don't think
you get how good this music is.
I mean, back in my day, it was all, like,
bagpipes and hollowed out gourds.
Yeah, sure, sure. Maybe we could
continue this conversation in the other room?
-You got it, Nardo. Great chair. -Great.
Okay, sure. Do you want to close... the door?
[horns honking]
I mean, wowzers!
This place is big and tall and-and busy.
-Yeah, it certainly is. -Whew.
All right. Let's get to work.
Yeah, um, just first, I just wonder,
maybe, should we, should we do something about your clothes?
-[bells jingle] -What?
I mean, I can't get more stylish than this.
I just thought maybe you might want to
blend in a little better.
Well, you got to do the thing.
Oh, sorry. [chuckles] Uh, I...
I wish you would blend in a bit better.
All right. Uh, let's see.
[indistinct chatter]
Who do I-- Ooh.
Well, they're killing it.
Uh...
I mean, can you even see me?
This is like, I'm blending.
You know what? I would, I would keep going.
Uh, okay. All right.
Uh, no, no, no. Oh. [gasps]
She's perfection.
I mean, this feels right. Right?
Uh...
[stammers] You know,
m-maybe third time's the charm?
You're very picky, Nardo. Very picky. Okay.
Uh, let's see. Uh...
How about eeny, meeny,
miny, both.
I mean, now we're talking. Am I right?
[sighs] Yeah, uh...
Yeah, I guess that-- It sort of works.
Sort of works? I look fantastic.
Come on. We got to get back on task. Let's shop.
You know what? We can start here.
Okay.
-Welcome to Bloomingdale's. -Oh.
-How you doing today? -Good.
Enjoy your shopping.
I wish we had an all-expenses-paid
shopping spree.
Oh. Okay.
BERNARD: Ooh. [chuckles]
FLORA: Oh, this is amazing.
I've never seen anything like it.
Oh, wait, look.
[gasps] What do you call it?
-Oh, sanitizer. -Sanitizer.
Mmm, it's zesty.
-No, it's... -Mmm.
-No. -Oh.
FLORA: Nardo, look what I found.
Huh? I don't know what it is, but it's really fun.
I think Julie might love it. Look, and...
Okay. Sorry. She's new in town.
What is this? That's so pretty.
-It's beautiful. -[whooshing]
Your presence is my present.
[laughs] Get it?
-You need to stop. [laughing] -FLORA: Wait, wait.
Oh. [laughs]
It's hard to run in these.
Pretty good haul, huh?
-You think so? -Yeah.
I think Julie and Eve are gonna be pretty excited.
Well, I hope they are.
-Oh, my God. -What? What?
I had just hoped that by now that this
kind of torture had stopped.
This is a gym.
They-they actually pay to do these things.
[scoffs] Yeah. Okay, good one.
I will avenge thee!
Okay, you need to stop that. Sorry.
I will avenge thee!
-Sorry. -[sighs]
SANTA: And what would you like for Christmas this year?
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why-why are all these people standing in line
to see Mr. Beardie?
Ooh, is he like the king or an emperor or something?
BERNARD: Uh, no, it's actually,
it's just the whole Christmas thing.
Basically, the guy with the beard,
he flies around with a bunch of reindeer.
-Okay. -Uh, he goes down the chimney
and puts these presents in these huge stockings that
kids hang along the fireplace.
Kind of amazing 'cause you had a hard time
believing in genies, but, uh, okay.
BOY: I want a car and a rocket launcher.
Here is your pencil. [chuckles]
Christmas is also the time kids learn all about disappointment.
Yeah, m... Ugh.
-Here you go, sir. -Oh, thank you.
Enjoy.
Excuse me, Bernard.
You, sir, are an artist.
-Thank you. -Wow.
-[chuckles] Thanks. All right. -Wow, wow, wow.
Okay, so tell me about this whole Christmas thing of yours.
Oh. Uh, well, it-it's become really commercial,
but... originally, it was meant to celebrate
the birth of this guy. He was, he was called Jesus Christ.
Wait, what? Jesus? Are you talking about Mary's kid?
Yeah.
What? I knew him.
What did he do to get so famous?
You... [chuckles] Wow. Okay, uh,
well, he turned out to be the Son of God.
[gasps] Oh, no, I thought he was kidding.
Wait, what? You-you actually met him?
Yeah. Oh, my-- yeah, last time I was out of the box.
This is amazing, like...
What? I mean,
okay, what was, what was he like?
What was Jesus like?
You know, he's Jesus. He's just kind of like, "Hey."
But financially under-ambitious,
to tell you the truth. I mean, I did say to him once,
I'm like, "With your talents,
"I mean water, kaboom, into wine,
conjuring fish out of thin air."
I said, "Big J, we should open a restaurant together."
You know, we could call it, like, "Something Fishy"
or "Oh, My Cod."
Goody Two-shoes didn't want anything to do with that.
Hey, well, I mean, to Big J.
-To Big J. -Hmm.
Okay, how about this, how about this, um...
Oh, I wish we could go back to Santa's Grotto.
You got it.
Hello. Merry Christmas.
BERNARD: Okay, so, um, I wish that
all these kids got everything they wanted.
Ooh, he thinks he's gonna get a pencil.
He is so not just gonna get a pencil.
♪ Oh, yeah, candles burnin' low ♪
-♪ Lots of mistletoe -[laughs] There you go.
-SANTA: Merry Christmas! -♪ Choirs singin' carols
-♪ Right outside my door -[Bernard laughing]
♪ All these things and more...
Whoo! Ride him! There you go.
Her parents are around somewhere, right?
Uh, what is all of this?
Uh, it's how all these different companies
get you to buy their thing.
Well, how about we do something about that, Nardo?
Get wishing.
♪ I see your smilin' face
♪ Like I've never seen before
♪ Even though I love you madly
♪ It seems I love you more
♪ All these things and more...
Hey, should we change that sign, too?
Uh, no, that's actually, um, a cinema.
-Wait, do you want to see a movie? -Yes.
I have no idea what a movie is, but, uh,
I would really like to see one, I think.
-[dramatic music playing] -[panting]
Ooh, he's fast.
-Yeah. -He's very, very fast.
Don't do the jump. Don't do the jumping!
No, no, no. This mission is impossible!
-It's in the title! -[moviegoer shushing]
What is the name of that hero guy?
-Oh, uh, Tom Cruise. -Tom Cruise.
-Yeah. -I mean, he's huge.
He's the biggest human being I've ever seen.
Where-where do giants like Tom Cruise live?
-Uh, in Los Angeles mainly. -Los Angeles mainly.
I mean, I'm never going there, because I think
he would take that enormous foot
and just crunch me with it.
Or, I don't know, maybe I should go because
what if he uses those enormous juicy lips to kiss me?
I really wouldn't worry about it. I mean, Tom,
Tom Cruise is definitely just normal size.
Like, in fact, everything's normal sized.
It's just the movies that make them look big.
-Ah. -[door opens]
That's fine.
Ho, ho. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hi.
Hi. I don't think we've been introduced.
-I'm Lenny. -Oh.
-Oh, yeah, this is, um-- -Flora.
Pleasure, really. I mean, I-I love this.
It's, uh... I love a man in a uniform.
Thank you.
-Uh, she's my... -FLORA: I-I got it.
An old friend. You know,
just in from out of town.
Spending a few days just to help
this one get out of the pickle he got himself into with Julie.
Good, I'm glad someone's doing that,
and I think it's working. I haven't seen him glowing
like this in a, in a bit.
-Well... -You know, I try my best, but I don't think,
uh, I don't-- I rarely glow.
-I think I-- I'm a little rough, little rough. -Oh.
I mean, I-I like things rough around the edges.
[chuckles]
-Do you? -If you know what I mean?
-You old green eyes-- -Mm-hmm.
-Oh, hazel. -Hazel is right.
And you get what I'm saying?
Yeah, I think everyone gets what you're saying, so...
-[chuckles] -What's that?
Uh, uh, yeah.
[whispering]: I think he has to go to the bathroom.
-Uh... -LENNY: You have a key. Don't you have a key?
-I don't need to go. -FLORA: Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Yeah, I do have-- Good seeing you, Lenny. Bye.
Okay, Bernie. Flora? Di-- Do-- Have we met?
Like, back in the day? Did we...?
It would've been way back in the day.
-Way, way back. -Key West. Key West?
FLORA: Maybe.
We should go.
I'm almost ready.
BERNARD: Okay.
-Ooh. That's nice. -[toilet flushes]
Refreshing.
[exhales]
Let's do this.
[chuckles] How'd you want to get there?
-Do you want one of those car things? -Yeah.
Okay, what kind?
Just something subtle,
sensible.
[engine revving]
Do you think we've got enough presents?
I-I think we would have had to have gotten
a second car to get any more.
Right, right? What about this little guy?
All right, let's see what this thing can do.
Okay. Okay, you ready?
FLORA: All right, let's get Julie and Eve back!
♪ Don't mess around with those silly toys... ♪
[whispers]: Are you sure I'm invisible?
Yes, I'm sure. Can-can you stop switching sides, please?
[indistinct chatter]
FLORA: Oh, she's cute.
She's definitely cute.
[squeals]
JULIE: How was the story today?
-It was good. -Good?
Wait, Dad?
-Hey, how are you? -[grunts] Good.
-Hey. -Hey. [sighs]
How are you do--? Oh.
I'm so sorry about the other night, you know?
Yeah, very weird.
What's up?
Uh, I-I've just...
I've been wanting you to know that I-I-I can be there.
You know, even when I'm not meant to be there, so that,
you know, when I am meant to be there, you know,
I'll definitely be-- be there.
I know this can't be easy.
It's not easy for either of us.
Um...
Dad, do you want to get ice cream?
Do I...?
-Um... -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, why not?
I wish the place had cherry. That's my favorite flavor.
The-- You know what? I wis-- [coughs] I wish that, too.
-Uh, should we go? Yeah? -Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you don't happen to have cherry, do you?
Yeah, actually, it just came in.
Well, look, it's so good to see the two of you. [chuckles]
Oh, and don't let me forget-- before I go,
I've got-- I-I've got one or two things in the car
that I'd really love to give you.
JOHNNY: Hey.
-Sorry, we're late, guys. -Oh. [chuckles]
Oh. Uh, Bernie, uh, you remember Johnny?
We grew up together. This is his daughter Emma.
Uh, they live next to my mom. I'm sorry.
I should've mentioned that they were coming to meet us.
No, no, it's good.
-Yeah. -Nice to finally meet ya.
Yeah.
It's been so lucky having them next door.
I mean, as you can see, the girls are two peas in a pod.
-[chuckles] -Great.
Great. [inhales]
That's great.
Who's ready to go see a movie?
-We are! We are! We are! -[laughs]
Okay, well, we should probably go
-if we're gonna make it. -JOHNNY: Yeah.
Can we do the stuff in the car another time?
Sure.
Yeah, sure. Sure, that's... fab.
Okay.
-Bye, Dad. -Yeah.
I'll see you later, darling.
-Have a good time, yeah? -Yeah. [chuckles]
[Emma and Eve chattering]
What if I bring Eve by on Saturday?
For a night with you.
I mean, uh...
-Yeah, I would love that. -Yeah?
Absolutely. Yeah. That's a...
-great plan. -All right.
Let's do it.
-Bye, Bernie. It was a pleasure, man. -Yeah.
-Real pleasure. -Yeah. Nice to...
nice to meet you...
[inhales] Johnny.
Uh, hold up for me, guys.
-[screams] -[gasping]
-EMMA: Dad, are you okay? -JOHNNY: [groans] Yeah!
-Are you okay? -Yeah. Yeah.
-Whew, I'm good. -Okay.
-[whooshing] -[Flora chuckles]
-[laughing] -JOHNNY: No, I'm good. I'm good.
Ah, it gets me every time.
I can't believe it.
How did I end up fifth-wheeling my own family?
This is a disaster.
Here's a question-- and there's no wrong answer-- but...
would you maybe feel better if you would wish,
you know, for Johnny to kinda... [mimics choking]
So easy to do it.
It's actually easier to do it than not to do it.
♪ Without that girl of mine, oh! ♪
♪ Christmas just ain't Christmas ♪
♪ Without the one you love
Hello, gorgeous.
Hello, handsome.
Do you think you and I could...
Yep.
Yeah?
Hi, Bernie.
[Flora sighs deeply]
So, Lenny's interesting.
I mean, that's a face that has seen some fun, right?
Yeah. Well, he's definitely single,
I can tell you that much.
I hope you like cats, 'cause he's got a fair few of them.
Oh, I love cats. They're delicious.
[chuckles softly]
[groans] This Julie and Eve thing's not gonna be easy.
Stop right there, buster.
Okay, Rome was not, as you know, built in a day.
It took 12.
We have all night
to just sit and come up with a plan,
what's our next move.
We've got this.
[doorbell rings]
Are you expecting someone?
No, no.
[exhales]
-[chuckles]: Hey! My boy! -[laughing]
Hi!
-Everyone. -[clattering] -Hey, Julie!
[gasps]
Ooh, is that my baby, Eve?
Come give Grandma kisses!
I-I wish y-you could meet... the caterer
-I got in for the evening. -Oh.
And you can. Hi, I'm Flora.
-Hi. -No, please don't.
-Hi. -Yeah. [sniffs] -Oh. Sorry.
-Come in. Do come in. -What?
-[Bernard's father laughs] -Good to see you. -Okay.
Hi, Mum.
The caterer? [mutters]
-You have a caterer? -Well, I just thought I'd...
-Starving, so this works out. -Hey.
[laughter in distance]
How did you forget that your entire family was coming over?
Yeah, I mean, there's-there's been a lot of distractions
-in the last couple days. -That's fair.
Okay, what do you need me to do?
Uh, okay, I wish there was a complete meal
with all the trimmings right here in this kitchen.
-That's pretty good! -Yeah? Okay.
This is gonna be so fun.
I bet your family's great.
And then Paul looks directly at me and says,
"David, I actually am an accountant."
[laughs]
Imagine, we had quite a laugh about that.
[laughing]
Why?
[Flora chuckles]
BERNARD'S MOTHER: I'm still a little confused.
Where are Eve and Julie?
-DIANA: Great question. -Yeah. [chuckles] Right. Um...
We're-we're actually on a... [inhales deeply]
bit of a break at the moment.
-[whistles] -A break. What-what does that mean, a break?
-Well, l-let me explain. -BERNARD'S MOTHER: Bernie,
-you've got to work on a marriage. -I know.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Excuse me.
See? See, this is why I never took the plunge.
You know? Some stallions, they just need to roam free.
MARVIN: Bernard, hey, look, man, if you ever want to talk,
mano y mano,
I'm here for you, bud.
DIANA: Yeah, you're not using that correctly.
MARVIN: Actually, I'm pretty sure I am.
'Cause it's man friend to man friend.
Who's ready for dead bird?
Huh?
That is a strange bunch.
I mean, you're telling me?
[chatter in distance]
I-I j-- I just wish I could find a way
to make them happy, you know?
Wait a minute.
Okay. I have a fantastic plan.
Risky...
but I think fantastic.
All right, guys, just l-listen up.
I've-I've got something I'd-I'd love to tell you.
It's about me and Flora.
Mm. See? Told you.
He's already got a new girlfriend.
No, it's-- it is--
it's nothing to do with that.
It's-it's-it's...
Uh, um...
How do I say this?
Um, Flora, she's a genie.
-[chuckling] -A what?
-BERNARD: Don't laugh. -[laughing] -What?
-What? What? -BERNARD: She can make wishes come true.
-Yeah. -As you all know,
it's only three wishes. Absolutely only three,
-but, yeah, that's, uh... -Yeah. Three.
-Yeah. -That's my Christmas gift to...
each one of you. Three wishes.
Pretty good gift, right?
-[Bernard chuckles] -PETE: Okay,
-okay, he's lost his mind. Julie's left him... -What?
...and he's lost his mind. I mean,
you all thought I was the one who was gonna go off the rails.
But, no, perfect Bernard...
Don't do that. Okay, it's true.
For example, Mar-Marvin, you just...
you just had to wear that Harvard sweatshirt,
again, even though we all know Diana hates it.
-Because he didn't go to Harvard. -[chuckling]
-Why wear it? -[groans] -BERNARD: I wish
Marvin was wearing something Diana actually liked.
-[others gasping] -[coughs]
[gasping]
And I wish Dad could be more like the man
Mum fell in love with.
-[yelps] -[gasping]
-DIANA: Oh. -[chuckles]: Whoa.
-BERNARD'S MOTHER: Oh, my God. -BERNARD: And...
I wish Pete would stop referring to himself
as a "lone wolf" and just sign up for all the dating apps.
-[phone vibrating] -[chuckling]
-[gasps] -BERNARD: There you go.
There's my three.
Proof is in the genie pudding.
Am I right?
I wish I had my old husband back.
BERNARD'S FATHER: Oh, God.
I actually have three big ones planned.
First, I wish for my own whole set
of Honma titanium golf clubs.
-[others gasping] -Oh!
[stammers] You don't-- you don't even really like golf.
You just like wearing your weird wicking fabric shirts
and drinking in the clubhouse.
Baby, I wish you would stop talking
and just let me get on with this.
Uh, uh...
[others sighing, gasping]
Does that mean Diana's never gonna be able to talk again?
Unless Marvin was to wish for her
not to be able to not talk anymore.
Oh, come on.
Dude!
Uh...
MARVIN: Okay.
Yeah, whatever. I, like, wish that...
Diana could talk again.
[exhales sharply]
-Huh. -[others gasping]
Well, thanks, babe.
Marvin, I wish you would just go to hell.
-[gasping] -Oh...
Okay, please stop!
Is anybody gonna wish Marvin back from hell?
Damn it.
Fine.
[sighs] I guess...
I guess I wish he'd come back from hell.
-[yells, coughs] -[others gasping]
-BERNARD'S MOTHER: Oh, my God! -[mutters]
What was it like?
Uh, I think it's pretty obvious.
Very hot down there.
-Mm. -And how does the devil look like?
W-Well, he kind of looked like Ricky Gervais.
-[chuckling] -BERNARD: All right, stop.
You're a family. You're my family.
This is our one real chance for happiness.
Please,
just... focus.
-Yeah. -BERNARD'S MOTHER: Actually,
Bernard,
I just wish this whole thing was over.
Done.
[sighs]
Oh.
Oh, wowzers.
[groans]
I mean, in all my years,
I have never seen anyone use the wishes worse.
Yeah.
[horn honking in distance]
I mean, we've got to be so careful.
All my family could literally have gone to hell.
One of 'em did.
Yeah.
Okay. It's WWTCD time.
What's that?
"What would Tom Cruise do?"
-[chuckles] -[chuckles] Because Operation
Bring Julie and Eve Back Home is not Mission: Impossible.
What is it?
What?
It's Wishing: Impossible.
[mimics cheering]
You know, I think we should start with, like,
kind of sprucing up the place for Julie.
You know? Which means probably getting...
rid of quite a few of these old, dusty Nardo trinkets.
This is our first fix.
[exhales]
You know what? You're right.
She actually always hated this thing.
-Yeah. -Yeah. I can't imagine why.
Is it your shirt?
Uh, no, it's not mine.
It's actually-- He was a famous footballer.
Do you have his underpants or trousers?
-[chuckles] -It's not a crazy question.
Yeah, no, I don't have his pants.
So does anybody else have your shirt
or maybe, maybe your underpants under glass in their house?
Well, not yet, but...
Okay. All right.
Think we should swap it for something
maybe, maybe that Julie would enjoy.
What?
Let's swap it for something
-deeply respectful. You know? -Oh, okay. All right.
Um... [inhales] Go on. Make it the Mona Lisa.
I mean, she could have smiled, right?
N-No, no, no. That's really-- that's very much the point.
Ah.
Okay. Well, I don't know.
I think we're off to a good start.
All right.
That's what I'm talking about.
-Well done! -Oh, thank you.
I mean, look at this, right?
I think Julie's gonna love it.
But you see? Everything's gonna be perfect again.
And you're gonna be back with Julie and Eve, and I'm...
you know, I'm-I'm g-- I'm gonna be...
-[inhales] -What?
Uh, nothing. You know?
I'll-I'll be around.
You know? Doing my thang.
-[chuckles] -Which, of course, is doing your thang...
for you.
Which is great.
Okay, put a-- put a fork in me, I'm done.
Uh, that's-- I don't want you to put a fork in me.
-I'm just tired. -Okay.
Okay. All right, good night.
-Night. Night, Flora. -Uh-huh.
♪
[marker scribbling]
[sighs softly]
♪
[footsteps approaching]
[gasps]
Mon Dieu.
-[alarm blaring] -Mon Dieu.
[sirens wailing]
[indistinct police chatter]
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Dad.
Hey, child. [grunts]
Child's mother. Exactly on time.
Punctuality. Very important for relationships.
Right. I know that, now.
I'll see you tomorrow, baby.
Have fun.
Um, you'll bring her back?
Yeah, of course. I'll see you then.
-All right. Bye. -Bye.
I've got someone I want you to meet.
Hi, Eve.
So, this is, um, Miss Flora.
She's gonna be staying with us for a bit.
And if you need anything, just-just let me know,
because, you know, your wish is my command.
Indirectly.
-Okay. Young lady? -Yep.
I think I might have a couple of things
that might meet with your approval.
[giggles]
Why don't you have a look in your bedroom?
[quietly]: Is it a dollhouse?
It's definitely a dollhouse! [chuckles]
[gasps]
Why?
-Why are you-- -I'm sorry. I got very excited.
[Eve screams]
-Yeah? -[squeals]
Yes! [chuckles] Yes, you like it?
-[chuckles] I love it! -Go on. Go on and look.
Look at that. It's good.
Let's go to the bath.
Okay.
The trick is to be as precise as possible.
-You see? -Wow.
♪ Merry Christmas, baby...
The dollhouse is awesome. Thanks, Dad.
Are you happy?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, Eve, Eve.
I'd love to see it if you want to show me around a bit more?
I'd love that.
Let's do it. Okay?
All right. You've got this, right?
Yeah. I got it. Precision?
♪ You surely treat me nice
[inhales]
-[box shatters] -Oh.
♪ Love you, baby, the rest of my life ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, baby...
So, a running race?
Yep.
-Like an actual running race? -Yes, you run.
It's just, I'm so obviously gonna beat you.
I'm a fully grown man with long legs
and you're a small girl in old-fashioned shoes.
Yeah.
-Race you to the big tree! -Hey!
Hey, that's cheating!
Being clever is not cheating!
Uh...
do you use it for something?
Yes.
Does it breathe?
I'm reading this book about,
about parallel universes and time travel
-and dimensional portals. -Yes.
-Right? You know about th-- -Yeah.
-Have you heard about it? -I-- Well, yes.
Uh, there's a high likelihood
that there's another version of me that might be a,
like an equestrian trainer or, or a chef.
Hmm, I would say it's--
You're definitely somewhere else on a horse.
-Hmm? Okay. -[laughs]
-[door opens] -[Eve laughs]
Ah.
Here comes trouble.
Hey, Flora. Hey, Lenny.
Hey, nice to have you back, kiddo.
Your dad's kind of boring on his own.
EVE: No way.
He used to be a selfish bastard, but now he's great.
-Oh... [chuckles] -Oh. Wow.
-Bye, Lenny. -Bye.
♪
-Here she is, in one piece. -[chuckles]
-Hi, Grandma. -Hey, sweetheart.
-[chuckles] -Hey.
Did you have a good time?
-Really great. -Oh, good.
Thanks, Bernie. That's wonderful.
♪
[phone ringing]
Hello?
-[quietly]: It's Julie. -What? [gasps]
-Let me hear. -No, no, no, no.
No, that, that, that would be great. Um...
Oh, Friday night here, 7:00?
No, that's-that's, um, that's perfect.
Just the three of us?
Yeah, that's, that's, that's great.
Okay, um, yeah, I'll see you then.
Okay, bye.
What just happened?
Yeah, she, uh, she wants to come over Friday night.
You are back in business.
Right? You are back in what?
-Business. -That's right.
Okay. Do me a favor.
Let me handle dinner,
'cause romance is kind of my thing.
-Romance is your thing? -Yeah.
Okay, well, I-I wish you would do that.
-Okay. -Thank you, my friend.
Okay, this is it.
We are gonna do this, all right?
We are in it, and Julie's about
to find herself on the road to Ro-Nardomance.
Nardomance. Buh-buh.
♪ Just kiss me once and kiss me twice ♪
♪ Then kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long, long time
[doorbell rings]
♪ Haven't felt like this...
EVE: Hi, Dad!
-Come on. Come in. -[chuckles] Go.
All she's been talking about is that dollhouse.
Yeah, I bet.
Wow.
You weren't kidding... [chuckles]
when you said you spruced up the place.
Yeah, well, I know you always wanted a bit of a refresh.
-So... -Oh, my God.
-Oh, so this is the dollhouse. -BERNARD: Do you like it?
Okay, well...
It's amazing.
-BERNARD: Okay. -JULIE: Wow.
That was really delicious.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
All right, well, here you go.
Oh. Okay.
Why not?
When did you learn how to make martinis?
-Ah, cheers to you. -Cheers.
[fireworks booming in distance]
Oh, my God.
[gasps] Look at that.
[chuckling]: Fireworks.
How lucky are we?
Wow.
Look at that.
That is actually pretty magical.
Yeah.
♪ Without you
♪ So kiss me once, then kiss me twice ♪
♪ Then kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long time, oh, yeah. ♪
Hey, I, um...
I-- Can we actually just talk about something?
Uh, yeah.
Look, Bernie, I... [sighs]
I know that this has been a... [sighs deeply]
really tough time and I just, um...
And I know that it's only been a couple weeks,
but I-I think it might be worth thinking
about how this all might work long-term.
Long-term?
Look, I don't mean forever.
[stammers] Look, I don't,
I don't know what's gonna happen,
I just--
Like, longer-term. Like now.
You know, f-for instance,
I was thinking that maybe you could take Eve
on the 23rd and the 24th?
Uh, uh, you mean, a-actual Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
Yeah, it... seems as though magically, um,
us taking time apart has been the making of you two.
I mean, that's good news.
Though, sort of cloaked in bad.
Bernard, you're a good man.
Thank you for dinner.
♪
Bye, Dad.
See you tomorrow, darling.
[exhales sharply]
Sorry.
-I'm sorry, that was tough. -Yeah, I know.
But the Eve news, that's great, so...
You know, I really thought
the fireworks were gonna work better.
Yeah, the fireworks were pretty epic actually.
I mean, I-I thought you had some other stuff?
Yeah, I did, but then Julie kind of left
before I hit my stride.
Ta-da!
I mean, not too shabby, right?
BERNARD: Is that a bear?
It used to be.
And a fire? We don't have a chimney.
I'm a genie.
Right.
Ooh, I should let the band go.
The band?
-Hey, guys, I-- -DRUMMER: Okay, here we go.
One, two, three, four.
[drumming loudly]
[both sigh]
[doorbell rings]
[knock at door]
[gasps]
What?
-What? -[quietly]: It's Julie.
No.
FLORA: It's Julie.
She went all the way downstairs
and she started thinking about your Nardoness,
then she came all the way back upstairs for-for this.
-Let's just... -Do you think? Look--
-Ow! Don't do that. -Yeah. Okay.
It's just good energy for ya.
-Okay. -Yeah?
Oh, I should not be here.
-Okay, you know what? -You, you--
I've got a date with Tom Cruise tonight, so.
Okay, good. Um, well, hey,
I wi-- I wish you were at that cinema.
[quietly]: Thanks, Nardo. Good luck.
♪ Kiss me twice
♪ Kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long time
-[knocking] -♪ Oh, yeah.
Bernard, there's smoke coming through the vents.
Everything okay in there?
♪
[grunts] Oh.
Ah, Flora.
-Here we go! -ANNOUNCER: And now,
for your feature presentation.
Here we go, here we go.
Here we go. Woo-hoo!
[sirens wailing]
Buddy, you're lucky we got here in time.
What are you doing with an open fire in there anyways?
That's completely illegal.
Hey, Ricky. The Mona Lisa.
It's missing, ain't it?
RICKY: Yeah.
I-Is it?
-Yeah. -It's right there.
I wish I could swap the jersey back.
Give it to me, Mr. Thomas Cruise Control.
[chuckles]
CRUISE: Come on, lock up, baby.
♪
[sighs]
You okay, buddy?
[siren chirps]
LENNY: Wow, Bernie.
Been a busy night, huh?
Yeah, it sure has.
Hey, we'll get you out, buddy.
-Stay strong. -[door closes]
[camera clicking]
[busy chatter in distance]
[button clicks]
Okay, kid.
The good news is that it's gonna take a bit
to extradite you to France, so...
you'll be here in a nice, warm American cell over Christmas.
-Mm-hmm. -It's not very good news.
I mean, if... [sighs]
if I miss Christmas,
my life is over.
Missing Christmas is the least of your problems, buddy.
Do you know anything about the French penal system?
Uh, n-no.
Think Texas Chainsaw Massacre
where everyone is dressed like Inspector Clouseau.
-This can't be happening. -It's happening,
but the solution is quite simple.
All you got to do... Look at me, look at me.
[whispers]: Tell me the truth. Come on.
[inhales sharply] Okay, okay.
Now we're talking.
Okay. Okay.
The-the truth is...
I had an accomplice.
[siren chirps]
Officer Pepper to the bullpen.
Wow. Look at these digs.
You do okay, don't you?
-[gasps] Is that the bad guy? -What?
Nardo, I am here! I am in the building!
[over P.A.]: Eagle has landed.
-Nardo, I am in the building. -OFFICER: Ma'am. Ma'am.
-Please don't do that. -Got it.
I thought that's what it was there for.
So sor-- [gasps] Wha-- You guys both have guns.
I just have my dagger.
-What? No. Put your hands up! -[groaning]
Oh, that's nice.
[camera clicking]
OFFICER: Quit screwing around.
Take your hat off.
Okay. I'll do that.
Commencing interview.
-Is-is this for me? -Okay.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome. [chuckles]
Name.
-Mine? -Yes.
Oh, okay.
Hi, there, um, Flora Gwendolen Locheed,
uh, Firepit McAllister Cruise.
Is that, is that a "Cruz" with a "U-Z"?
-S-E. -S-E.
-As in, as in Tom. -Okay.
Date of birth.
Let's see, it's second day of the Feast of Angus the Fierce.
-Yes. Second day. -But what year of the second day?
-Oh, geez. -I need a month. I need a year.
You know what? I'm gonna say 2,152 years ago
is probably... [blows]
I think that's pretty darn close.
Okay, we're gonna put down 1969 from the looks of it.
-Okay. -Okay.
-What's your profession? -How do I--
Well, okay, I guess the honest answer would be...
I, you know, dabbled in a little bit of
being a warrior/hunter-gatherer,
but now, really, I strictly just, uh, I'm a genie.
Uh, what was the last part?
Uh, but now I'm, uh, just a genie.
[quietly]: Okay.
You believe that you're a genie?
Well, I know I'm a genie.
-You know you're a genie? -Yes, because I'm a genie.
Uh, so, what kind of prescription drugs
are you on now?
Ooh.
I don't know. What have you got?
What are you offering?
Okay, look, uh...
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't know if this is some kind of bit you're doing,
you're crazy, or what, but...
I want to run with this for a second.
-Okay? -Okay.
So you are this magical genie.
-That's correct. -So, if that's the case,
you have to know exactly
what you and your friend Bernard are in for with prison.
Okay? You're gonna be stuck
in a little square box for eternity.
No friends.
No family.
No freedom.
How does that sound to you?
♪
Familiar.
♪
[siren wailing in distance]
[Perez laughing nearby]
PEREZ: Get ready, buddy boy.
December 23.
Guess where you're going?
JFK.
We're transferring you and Ms. McAllister to France
immediately.
Goodbye. Arrivederci.
Adios. Salaam alaikum salaam.
Right, well, I-I guess we're just gonna have to live
with the consequences of our actions.
Right? Just-just two crooks
in the back of a high-security van,
wishing they'd never got greedy.
You're funny, that's what I like about you, Bernard.
Like, as if we're gonna put you both in the same vehicle
for hours so you could get your story straight.
What kind of idiots do you think we are?
[softly]: Right.
Hey. Get him out.
Hmm.
♪
[distant shouting]
Flora!
I wish we could swap back!
PEREZ: Oh, so now you want to talk, huh?
Hey, hey.
-All right, come on. -Flora, it's me, it's Bernie.
I wish we could swap back.
-I wish we could swap back. -PEREZ: Hey, buddy, buddy.
[over P.A.]: I wish we could swap that painting back.
PEREZ: Get him out of here.
♪
[whooshing]
Seriously.
-You okay? -Yeah, thanks.
PEREZ: Wow.
[phone ringing]
-Yeah? -DISPATCHER: Detective Perez,
we have the French.
-The French? Put 'em on. -Yeah.
Bonjour.
[indistinct chatter over phone]
Bring me the painting!
It's not a painting, sir.
I know it's not a painting.
It's thepainting.
The most valuable painting in the world.
OFFICER: You're not gonna like this, boss.
OFFICER 2: It's a jersey.
I'm gonna have to kill someone.
[siren wailing in distance]
-That was close. -Way too close.
We could've been fairly and squarely screwed.
The wishing has to stop, right?
Well, yeah, maybe.
-Except... -Except what?
Well, I mean, except Julie and Eve
are gonna arrive at mine any minute.
Okay, that's okay. I mean, this is like
classic Flora and Nardo stuff, right?
I mean, kicking names and taking butts.
This is what we do.
-Uh... -Okay.
So, yeah, they're nearly here, so...
-Okay, okay. What do we do? -So...
Oh, uh...
Just wondered if you could maybe go invisible.
You know, just...
-Just-- Yeah. -No, that's-- No, of course.
That's the right thing.
-Okay, good luck. -Thank you.
[sighs]
♪
Bye, Grandma.
-[chuckles] -[door closes]
-Hey, hey, sweetie. -Dad!
Ah. [grunts]
-How you doing? Yeah? -Good.
-Hey. -Hey, um, all right.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
-Thank you. -Have a good time, you two.
-Yeah. Uh, you, too. -Bye, Mom.
Yeah.
What you got in the bag, huh?
You look so cute in this jumper.
-Thank you. -Where'd you get it?
Oh, Grandma got it for me.
BERNARD: Grandma got it for you. Did you get me anything?
Mm. Sorry. [laughs]
[door opens]
[door closes]
This is the big chimney, right?
How many little chimneys can you put there?
You have to make sure you don't tell Mum that we've exclusively
been eating sugar for the last 48 hours.
[chuckles] I won't.
I can keep a secret.
I never told Mom about you smoking
when she was at her high school reunion.
BERNARD and FLORA: Oh!
Burn.
But you still kind of keep things from me.
Me? What are you talking about?
I'm your dad. I tell you everything.
Dad, all of a sudden,
there's a random lady living in our house?
Oh, she's good. Real good.
Okay. Well, I mean, the-the truth...
I mean, do you want to do the honors?
You're the boss.
Yeah, of course. I forget that sometimes.
Okay, I'm gonna tell her. I'm gonna tell you.
-Listen, okay. -Mm-hmm.
So, um...
Flora here, fabulous Flora...
-Oh, thank you. -Thank you.
[light laughter]
She's a genie.
Ta-da.
Dad, I'm eight.
You got to come up with something better than that.
-[chuckles]: No, it's true. -That's a tough cookie.
-Wow. -She is. She really is.
So, Flora, you're a genie?
-I am. -So, in that case,
you must have a magic flying carpet.
-[Bernard chuckles] -Funny you should mention that.
♪
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
-Hey, should we have some fun? -Yeah!
[whooping]
[indistinct shouting, whooping]
[whooping, laughter continue]
[indistinct shouting]
BERNARD: Let's go, let's go!
[Eve laughing]
EVE: Yeah!
FLORA: Oh, oh, oh, look at this guy. Wait.
-Go home! -[gasps]
-It's Christmas! -Go home!
[laughter]
-EVE: Whoa! -FLORA: Did you see his face?
[laughter]
♪
-Ready to go to Grandma's? -Mm-hmm.
BERNARD: Thank you, Flora.
That was the best day of her life.
So, you've done everything for Julie and Eve.
I was just wondering if there's maybe something
that youwant for Christmas.
Well, you know what? I-I did have
one or two little thoughts.
And finally, a charming Christmas story.
This evening, the Bowery Mission received
an unexpected donation from Oliver Flaxman,
owner of New York's own Flaxman's Auction House.
The check for $100 million makes up
the entirety of Flaxman's personal fortune,
and it will go towards feeding and caring
for the unhoused this Christmas.
We go down to Flaxman's Auctions now,
where a grateful crowd has gathered.
Mr. Oliver Flaxman?
[chuckles]
-Uh, yes. -What made you make
such an incredibly generous gesture?
[chuckles nervously] What gesture?
-Oh, my God. -REPORTER: Well, the Bowery Mission just received
-a $100 million charity check from you. -Oh, wait.
Which was just deposited to help feed the unhoused
-this Christmas. -[whimpers]
That's right.
Well, you've become a national hero because of your generosity.
I have?
Could I, could I just have a moment?
Absolutely.
-Yeah. [giggles] -You suck. Boo!
-Boo. -[laughs]
And what a wonderful story that is.
-[laughter] -That's it for tonight.
From all of us here, goodbye
-and very merry Christmas Eve. -That's the way. Nicely done.
[chuckles] Uh... you got to be kidding me.
This is it. Best present ever.
What do you think? Do you like it?
-[chuckles] -I-- Well, uh, come on.
[laughs]
I don't know, when-when we first met,
I was, I was just...
I was the most unhappy man in the world.
I'd-I'd lost everything, but at least I have Eve back.
Yeah.
Now, I'm...
you know, I'm-I'm so much better,
so I-I wanted to get you something special for Christmas.
And you have. I mean, I have everything
I could ever want. [chuckles]
Well, not quite everything.
Did-did you see the card that came with it?
Oh. What?
[chuckles]: Oh.
Please be a hot chocolate gift certificate.
-Please. -Just read the card.
Read the card.
Ah. [chuckles]
That's great.
♪
I...
We're equals, Flora.
Now, how can things go well for me and not for both of us?
[sighs]
I don't think I remember how to have my own life.
[chuckles]
I think you'll get the hang of it.
[voice breaking]: And I thought the sweatshirt was good.
-[chuckles] -I mean, mm...
-I mean, it is. -[laughs]
Yeah, that's, um, that's my last wish.
How do you, how do you want to do it?
Well, it comes with a bit of... of good news.
Um, when a genie goes,
you know, usually people realize that they forgot something,
so when I go,
you're still allowed three wishes.
No, that's where the three wishes thing comes from.
That's where the three wishes thing comes from.
You-you got any ideas?
You know, I think the whole point is that
you'll know what you need when it happens.
So I'm just gonna leave that to you, my friend.
♪
Should I do it?
-Do it. Do it. -Do it?
Okay.
[exhales]
[both chuckle]
I guess this is...
this is the end.
Yeah, I'm... [clicks tongue] out of here.
-Where are you gonna go? -Uh...
you know, I'm still kind of mulling that over.
I've actually thought about going home.
Some unfinished business with a, uh,
-sorcerer from hell. -Yeah, but
you can't go back in time. That's rule number one.
Uh, actually, that's...
How do I put--? That's not 100% true.
For, as far as genie rule number one, really,
you-you tell the boss that, you know,
time travel is out of the question
because it's, it's really dangerous.
So it's for your protection and also
'cause people make horrible decisions usually, so...
But, I mean, is it literally
out of the question? No.
It's not.
Right, so I could just wish you back home?
Well, I don't know, but, I mean,
I'm still kind of considering my options.
I mean, really, anything could happen.
You know, I could end up in Los Angeles with this guy.
-[laughs] -You know, just sitting by a pool. We don't,
we don't know, right?
Oh, you know what? I almost...
This is for you.
And I know I said
that your final three wishes
are entirely up to you, and that's-that's true,
but maybe consider this like a hint
at what one of the wishes could be.
So what's it mean?
We'll get to that in a minute.
Okay, I want to say something to you.
Uh... and
I just think it's important that you really hear me.
So years from now,
when you're old,
and gray, and probably doughy in the middle.
When you're sitting around
reading stories about my old pal,
JC, in-in your,
in your "Bibble" and--
-It's Bible, but... -Whatever.
When you come to the phrase,
"The multitude gathered,"
I want you to remember
[crying]: that one of 'em found you
to be the very best friend that she'd ever had.
Okay? And, uh,
I never really trusted people because...
they're greedy and they're selfish.
But, Bernard,
that's not ever you.
[chuckles]
[exhales]
This is all getting a bit too emotional.
I-I-I wish you'd just go.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was, I was just--
[groans]
[zapping]
-It's so weird. -I know.
I can't believe she just left. She just took off?
Well, I mean, she didn't so much as leave.
She sort of disappeared, you know?
I thought we had a, you know-- She didn't say,
she didn't say, she didn't say goodbye.
I know. It's a complicated situation.
The weird thing is she left this thing for me
and I-I can't make head nor tail of it.
-What? It's a number. -I know, but...
Maybe it's a... international phone number.
Yeah, that's a good idea actually. Like a plus four-four?
I don't know what that means.
AUTOMATED VOICE: We're sorry your call cannot be completed.
-No. -Oh!
It's a lottery number. She had a vision.
We're gonna be rich.
-We'll just wait until the drawing. -Wait, hold on.
-Hold on. Pass me that pad. -What?
-This? -Yeah.
Oh, look at that. You're doing math.
I-- You never think you're gonna use it and then you...
-You're a genius. I could kiss you. -What?
-What? What happened? -Good night. Good night!
Are we gonna win money?
Just let me wet my beak.
Flora,
my dear friend,
for the first of my last three wishes,
I wish
I was back to the very beginning.
["Wishing" by Electric Light Orchestra playing]
♪ Little darlin'
♪ Don't you cry
♪ You know I tried to be there with you by and by ♪
♪ When everything is goin' wrong ♪
♪ Now don't you cry
♪ I'm wishin'
Bernard, this is Henry Hackford
of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Ah, yes. An honor to meet you, sir.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'd like you to take him through your new catalog.
Yes, of course.
I'd love to oblige, but I'm afraid
taking my daughter out for her birthday is far more important
than following the orders of a slimy,
nasty, seedy, supercilious,
gloating, ghastly, greedy rip-off merchant like you.
So goodbye.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
And, oh, of course, I quit.
-But, hey, you can keep the ugly bear. -[squeaks]
♪ I wish that everything
♪ Was gold
♪ I wish you
♪ Were here to hold
♪ I'm wishin'
♪ Everything gold
♪ Wishin'
♪ Everything gold
♪ Wishin'
♪ Hold on to love, hold on to love. ♪
Hey.
[chuckling]: Hey.
You look beautiful.
What you trying to butter me up for?
[chuckles]
I really didn't think you were gonna make it.
-No? -[laughing]: No.
Okay, too much mascara?
Do I look like an owl?
You look perfect.
-Bernie, what? -[chuckles softly]
Thank you. [chuckles]
-What is this about? -Mm.
Mm.
[both laughing]
Dad!
Oh, happy birthday, baby doll.
-[grunts] -[screams, laughs]
[both laughing]
How was work?
I quit.
Excuse me?
Did you just say the thing that I have been dreaming
and-and hoping and needing you to say
for, I don't know, what seems like a lifetime?
I just figured I need to
spend a bit more time with my girls, you know?
And at last, finally pursue
that lifelong dream of a career in modeling.
[laughs] Yeah, right.
I've been telling you, look at this face.
Oh, Bernie, that is such good news.
I was really getting worried that maybe someday
soon we'd have to...
Yeah, I know.
No, you don't.
Trust me, I do.
JULIE: Where are we going?
Oh, yeah. I thought maybe
this year we could do something a little bit better
than skating, I thought we could take this divine,
-this sophisticated young lady... -[screams] No!
-Let me go. -...out to the finest restaurant in town.
-Ooh. -Yeah, I mean, it's a very important birthday.
-She's actually eight. -Eight?
-You're actually eight, right? -I'm eight.
♪
BERNARD: Uh, sorry, excuse me, sir.
Wow. What do you think, Eve?
-It's so cool. -Evening.
Um, do you have any spare tables?
Tonight? Do we have any spare tables tonight?
[chuckles]
Oh.
I wish you did.
[magical chiming]
Well, it so happens that we do, sir.
Come this way. Table for three.
What did you do?
I've got this.
-You flexing, huh? -[laughs]
You know, I think I'm gonna go for the Cornish game hen.
WAITER: Very good choice, sir. Madam?
Uh, if I could have the truffle salad
and, ooh, the steak tartare?
Certainly, madam.
And for you, young lady?
Peanut butter sandwiches and cherry ice cream, please?
I'm afraid we absolutely cannot serve anything
that is not on the menu.
[sighs]
-I wish you could. -[magical chiming]
However, seeing as you asked exceptionally nicely,
peanut butter sandwiches and cherry ice cream coming up,
mademoiselle.
And perhaps some french fries and a Coke float?
Thank you.
-[chuckles] -Thank you. That is sweet.
Give me some birthday luck.
-[chuckles] -BERNARD: You know,
um, a little toast.
To my exquisite,
so-much-smarter-than-me wife.
And to our hilarious, now almost totally grown-up,
little girl
on her big birthday.
What more can a man ever wish for?
-Cheers. -EVE: Cheers.
-Cheers. -♪ Every day
♪ Will be like a holiday
[indistinct chatter]
♪ When my baby
♪ When my baby comes home
♪
♪ Every day
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Will be like a holiday
♪ Oh, yes, it will
♪ When my baby
♪ When my baby comes home
[ship horn blows]
♪ Oh, every day
♪ Will be like a holiday
♪ Oh, yes, it will...
[chuckles] What do you say we order in for dinner?
I don't think either of us could be bothered to cook.
That's a great idea. Let me go out and get something.
Okay, but maybe we shouldn't do pizza from that place again.
Oh, come on, those are the best pizzas ever.
You know what? You're right. Get me that pizza
-and get it right now. -Yeah?
-Yes. Now. -Really? Mm.
-[chuckles] -Mm.
♪
Evening, Charles.
Evening, Mr. Bottle.
[indistinct chatter]
Lenny, how you doing?
I'm great, man. I'm living the dream.
What, are you kidding me? Beats wearing a uniform
and hailing cabs for jerks like you.
-[chuckles] -What are you doing, you coming in?
-Yeah, thank you, Chef. -Oh, great.
Let me get that door for ya.
-Oh, come on. -Come on, it's like old times, pal.
Hey, honey.
Give us a nice hot one.
Of course.
One perfect pepperoni for old Bernie boy.
I'm guessing you want extra pepperoni?
Yeah. Please.
["I Wish" by Skee-Lo playing]
Your wish is my command.
♪ I wish I was a little bit taller ♪
♪ I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl ♪
♪ Who looked good, I would call her ♪
♪ I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat ♪
♪ And a six-four Impala
♪ I wish I was like six-foot-nine ♪
♪ So I can get with Leoshi
♪ 'Cause she don't know me but, yo, she's really fine ♪
♪ You know I see her all the time, everywhere I go ♪
♪ And even in my dreams, I can scheme ♪
♪ Of ways to make her mine 'cause I know ♪
♪ She's livin' phat, her boyfriend's tall ♪
♪ And he plays ball, so how am I gonna compete with that? ♪
♪ 'Cause when it comes to playing basketball ♪
♪ I'm always last to be picked and in some cases ♪
♪ Never picked at all, so I just lean up on the wall ♪
♪ Or sit up in the bleachers with the rest of the girls ♪
♪ Who came to watch their man ball ♪
♪ I confess it's a shame when you livin' in a city ♪
♪ That's the size of a box and nobody knows yo' name ♪
♪ Glad I came, to my senses
♪ Like quick-quick, got sick-sick to my stomach ♪
♪ Overcometh by thoughts of me and her together, right? ♪
♪ So when I asked her out, she said I wasn't her type ♪
♪ I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller ♪
♪ I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her ♪
♪ I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat ♪
♪ And a six-four Impala
♪ I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller ♪
♪ I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her ♪
♪ I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat ♪
♪ And a six-four Impala
♪ I wish... I wish
♪ I wish
♪ I wish... I wish
♪ I wish.
♪