[♪♪♪]
ELLIOT: Since the dawn of time...
there have been vampires.
Heil!
ELLIOT: In fact... humans, and vampires
have been secretly warring for thousands of years.
But through the centuries, they have always been...
out liars.
[♪♪♪]
ELLIOT: And then there's me.
Yup.
It ain't your classic vampire tale
or one of the bullshit romances with emo teen girls
and their heartthrob douchebag boyfriends.
This one's about revenge.
Pure and simple.
[growling, roaring]
ELLIOT: Oh, yeah, and these fucking idiots.
JACK: Stream Team, 29th of April.
Stream Team TV.
Me, Mario Lopez, in the cage.
I'm gonna fuck that pussy-ass bitch.
♪ Ooh Benji, you're so sexy ♪
♪ Give this girl a hot shack ♪
JACK: Check it, juice cleanse.
Lemon, cayenne pepper, water.
That's it.
11, 12, come on, one more.
Hmm, tastes like shit.
Hey, Liz kids, it is official
the countdown to the wedding has begun.
Today, with this stream, I wanna share with you
a perfect look for anyone's wedding.
Especially mine.
I'll see you there.
Like and subscribe.
♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪
♪ But they're not what I choose ♪
Hey, my Jullionaires.
I'm sharing my last bit of surprise
before the party of the year.
That's right.
My favorite assholes, Jack and Liz
are getting married.
JK.
I love them so much. They're like family to me.
♪ Everything you need in an American dream ♪
♪ Is money, yeah ♪
♪ The money ♪
FLYNN: Oh, nice try, Blake 3, you come with that
lamb shit again,
I'll smear your whack out of there,
all over this level.
♪ Money, yeah, the money ♪
♪ You already know ♪
Aren't you two supposed to be getting married
in like six hours?
Okay, you know what, it's not your wedding, Flynn.
It's ours.
It's fine. Just hear him out.
So, I got a call from Steven Rektor's people.
Apparently, he and his wife personally requested
the Stream Team a.k.a. you lucky fucks,
to come out to his retreat in Mexico.
And chat about his huge ambassador deal.
I'm talking millions.
That guy?
ELLIOT: Steven motherfucking Rektor.
This shithead is a number one on the kill list.
Unlike many of his nefarious masters of the universe peers,
his secret that Bernie fucking made off
his Ponzi scheme and-- and that Fyre Festival,
which I attended, by the way.
Looked like humanitarian missions.
That's right, this dude, and his perfect ice queen wifey.
I mean, what we're talking about here is a path
to a healthier future.
Our trials have worked.
And once we release this to the world,
and I do intend make this free to every person
around the globe,
this will be my greatest legacy.
ELLIOT: Bloodsucking beasts in a long line mass
of mass murdering fanged phantoms.
Waiting to pounce with a product
that'll lead the lambs right to the slaughter.
Steven Rektor's saving the planet, Flynn.
David says all ten of his homes are carbon neutral
and he donated like a cool half billion
to the Amazon rainforests, which we love.
Maybe he's not so terrible.
NARRATOR 1: We help farmers grow the food that grows a life.
We foster care for the young and young at heart.
In a growing world forever challenged
by mother nature and the laws of uncertainty,
rest assured that the good people
of Rektor Biotech are looking out for your future.
Building a community, a family
and a legacy that will live on and on,
long after we're gone.
Rektor Biotech,
building a legacy that will live on and on.
You know,
I didn't fight with you about dating her.
Okay, I didn't have a shitfit when you announced
your engagement publicly without telling me.
But ah, Jack, I mean, this is just--
this is too much.
Like, you're better than this.
I appreciate you caring.
[chuckles]
But Flynn, honestly, it's not that big a deal.
You know we can get married anywhere, anytime.
-Anytime? -Yeah.
You invited everyone we know today.
And now, because she wants to go after
some creepy billionaire's wallet,
you're throwing out your own wedding day.
I mean...
Uh, alright, it's not that simple, okay.
You know, I've got responsibilities now.
FLYNN: Ugh. What is her fucking problem?
Doesn't she know this could change our lives?
JACK: The deal is up on our house in two months.
Maserati wants the cars back,
Liz's beauty kit didn't, quite perform
-as well as we'd hoped. -Ha!
Of course, it didn't.
Everything that she touches turns to shit.
She's dragging you down, J--
-Alright, Flynn, stop. -Cut her some slack.
-You need to give Liz a break. -No, fuck that.
She's nothing but a gold digger and I'm done hearing
your excuses for her.
Wow.
Hey, are you guys ready yet?
-Yeah. -No!
♪ Past that ♪
♪ Motherfucker, face it ♪
♪ I would never ever be... ♪
ELLIOT: Welcome to the wild west of equal opportunity
mindfuckery, baby.
Courtesy of your favorite mommy blogger.
Half-naked Insta model,
Facetune, Snapchatter
and semi-famous pop star, and your TikTok.
But the way I see it,
this group of massively popular shitheads,
might just be the key to shutting down
the whole damn vampire kabong.
Fuck!
LIZ: Pre-wedding, super top secret mission
with the gang hashtag shh,
hashtag fun in the sun, hashtag wifeyyy.
JULES: Can't believe my bff is about to get married.
Hashtag party bus. Hashtag SOS.
Hashtag we getting lit.
JACK: Hey, bye bye to this pretty face, ladies.
Hashtag sexy. Hashtag all for likes.
Hashtag bachelor.
Handsome playboy Insta famous.
♪ Never stop keeping ♪
We love you Stream Team!
Hey guys,
so you're probably wondering what happened to the wedding?
We called it off?
Did Liz get cold feet?
Hell no.
No way, baby.
We're all good.
We're just on a super-secret pre-wedding side mission.
Say hi, guys. Say, what up?
-Whoo. What's up? -Don't wanna play?
Okay, okay.
So, we're good and we will check in
with you later.
Muah. Love you.
[♪♪♪]
David, what the hell?
I thought you said this thing had seamless Wi-Fi.
Well, it's working just fine for me.
[Flynn sighs]
JULES: Same here, babe.
You probably just hit a dead zone.
Ugh, man meat is being such a whiny little bitch.
Who?
Jason. You know, my side thing.
"How could I leave without saying goodbye?"
[chuckles]
I swear, sometimes I really miss toxic masculinity.
JACK: Hey, I'm still toxically masculine.
What bitches, ho, what?
[chuckles]
I thought Jason was your boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
Don't get it twisted.
You said you were gonna marry him!
I say a lot of things.
FLYNN: I think maybe you're just looking for like
a Disney fantasy relationship with a Prince Charming,
when maybe you need to find patience
and some good in people and get past your own fears.
Thank you, but I really don't need
your heteronormative ideas on romance.
Heteronormative?
Dude, I'm a lesbian.
Exactly. Shackled by labels.
-Yo David, where we at? -LIZ: Lost.
We're over an hour late and the sun is going down.
Not my fault. It's this Waze.
It keeps losing signal and moving our location.
Oh, God, he seriously, he just missed another turn.
Yeah, David, uh, one question.
Do you think you could manage to get us there?
-[Jack chuckles] -DAVID: Shut up!
You guys are ruining my concentration.
[Jules chuckles]
This ruin your concentration, David?
-Like this... -JULES: Ladies...
-Oh, no... -[Jack chuckles]
JACK: David, does this ruin your concentration?
[chuckles]
It's not funny.
[making gagging noises]
Come on. Stop acting like kids.
Please, David, I'm so bored.
Yeah, guys, stop.
You can't drive, David. Really?
This is really important, you guys.
[♪♪♪]
Who the fuck is this guy?
Don't worry, I'll handle this.
Well, that's a terrible idea.
Well, he seems fun.
Shut up, he can hear you.
Jack, why don't you just go tell him who we are.
Um, I don't think he's gonna care.
Look, I'm gonna talk to him.
Just act cool, guys.
-I got this. -Do you?
Hey, buddy.
Not your buddy.
Ah, okay. Hi. Sir, how are you doing?
I'm Jack.
-Am I supposed to give a shit? -Okay.
Hey, I am-- I love your sunglasses.
Are they vintage Ray-Ban?
Fuck off.
Okay, I think we're done.
You got no idea of how much trouble you're in, do you?
Look, dude, you came out of nowhere.
We didn't even hit you and you're fine.
-What's your problem? -My problem is you.
ELLIOT: Turn around, get back in your little party bus.
Flip a bit, and get the fuck out of here.
Or, and I promise you, you'll suffer.
Adult to adult, you're kinda freaking us out.
Look, we're really sorry.
We just wanna pass through, so...
If there's anything we can do, uh, maybe you need,
uh, some extra money.
I mean if you wanted-- Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey!
You've been warned.
Fucking kids.
They can't resist an invite
to act like self-important assholes.
Perfect prey for evil predators like Rektor.
Not to mention the temptation of fame and money.
Now this I know too well.
Your dad's so lame.
Maybe if you didn't get a DUI,
we wouldn't have to use him for a ride.
[♪♪♪]
-What? -I don't know.
Oh, my God, you're not about to back out on this.
Don't you think it's a little shady?
An older record label exec inviting two teenagers
to his hotel room for a meeting?
So he can listen to our demo, Mol.
This is how it happens.
-What? -Getting raped?
Molly and Alexx from Surburban Trash.
Thought this was supposed to be a listening party.
Are you tripping right now?
I'm tripping.
This shit is really happening, girl.
Al? Alexx?
Al?
[Alexx shrieks]
Jackpot, biatch!
Fuck you, dude.
You scared the crap out of me.
What's your problem?
[sighs] Something's off.
Stop being such a straightedge.
Just play the demo, have a beer.
We'll set a mood.
Okay, now what?
We wait.
ELLIOT: First off,
the hotel suite is not even that nice.
But when you hear somebody in the other room
speak in an ancient double tongue
with one of them low demonic filters on it
that you hear in every Exorcist film...
you should probably take the hint.
I'm Alexx, lead singer of Suburban Trash.
Umm, and this is Molly, the bassist.
We've had a few...
[screams]
[Molly shouts]
[crying]
Oh, fuck.
[banging on door]
[cellphone ringing]
ELLIOT: Guess who?
[sobbing]
I'm sorry, daddy, I screwed up.
Where are you now?
Eleventh floor.
ELLIOT ON PHONE: Honey?
Just make it go away.
[sobbing]
ELLIOT: Every slayer needs his own origin story.
Even your old buddy, Elliot Jones.
Dad?
Sweetie, where-- where are you right now?
I'm sorry.
-[Molly crying] -Hey, honey?
[Molly screams]
ELLIOT: That night changed everything.
ELLIOT: Some people mourn like my ex-wife.
With a bunch of pills
and a new boyfriend named Enrique.
But some search for the truth.
And in my case, the truth had fangs.
And thus, my new life began.
As bodies began to mount, there was a pattern.
Folks being murdered, more like harvested,
all had the same thing in common,
their blood, the rarest blood on earth.
Bloodline leading back to these dumb fucks.
[♪♪♪]
Jack?
-What's up? -Look at this.
What is this, from the Winnebago guy?
Yeah, what if he isn't threatening us,
he was trying to warn us?
You've been warned.
Oh, with this?
[chuckles]
Come on, calm down, QAnon. [scoffs]
But you don't know anything.
What if-- what if this is legit?
Oh, my God. You always think the worst.
Did it ever occur to you that
this might turn out to be a good thing?
JULES: Holy shit, Flynn, come here look.
Jack, Jack, come here, you have to see this.
Come on.
Listen, I promise you, it's gonna be fine, okay?
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God, look, is that Harry Rektor?
That's Steven's nephew.
He has the most amazing animal protection non-profit.
I think I might be in love.
-Hm-mm. -What?
You told me to grow up.
Look.
Holy shit.
Now, that's cool.
NATALIE: You must be the Stream Team.
Guilty as charged.
Hmm.
Welcome to Rektor Manor.
Come on, come on.
LIZ: I just, I love it here already.
JULES: Hey, my Jullionaires.
We're gonna have an exclusive look
inside Rektor Manor.
Is it true there's a cryo chamber?
I love cryo.
Uh. [chuckles]
Look, it's a little baby fetus.
Welcome, everyone.
We are so excited to have you as our guests.
I'm Beverly Rektor.
You're iconic.
Oh, you're so sweet.
You must be Liz Anthony.
-[chuckles] -Queen of online shopping.
[chuckles}
Which makes you, Jack Chambers.
Hi.
BEVERLY: King of YouTube.
[chuckles] Yeah.
And Jules Jay, online social goddess.
Oh, [chuckles] I-- I wouldn't say goddess.
Why are people saying that all the time?
No.
And you are...
David.
Great.
Flynn Chambers, Twitch icon and pro gamer.
Am I right? [chuckles]
Uh, not exactly pro yet.
I hear you have an important match this evening.
Yeah, it's the um, Modern Warfare semi-finals.
Oh, I love that game.
-No shit. -Yeah.
Mind if I watch you--
Mind if I watch you play?
Mind if I watch you?
[♪♪♪]
JACK: Flynn?
You alright, honey?
Oh, just ignore her.
She's fine, seriously.
Ready to see the rest of the compound?
Yes, please.
ELLIOT: All of mankind is divided up into two species.
Normis and La Vampiro Nostra.
Syndicates and families with different styles,
they're all after the same thing.
Our fucking blood.
And this is our fitness center.
ELLIOT: Any slayer work two shits and a nickel knows a honeypot
when he sees one.
[Harry grunting]
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Hi.
[chuckles]
Hey, aren't you that girl?
Am I?
You retweeted my call to action to save the whales
to like seven million people.
That one thoughtful act really made a difference,
especially to the whales.
What can I say? I-- I love Willy.
Free Willy.
The movie with the whales.
Harry Rektor.
Jules. Jules Jay.
You like to ride, Jules?
Excuse me? [chuckles]
Horses?
Oh, oh.
Yeah. Yeah, mhmm.
Yeah, I love horses.
Umm, ponies.
I really love all sizes.
Knock-knock.
-Hey, how's it going? -Yeah, good.
How we doing in here? How you doing, man?
I'm sorry, I'm Jack Chambers.
-Is this girl bothering you? -Fuck off. [chuckles]
Hey, you fuck off.
Although, actually I uh...
Oh, um...
Look at that. That's so fun.
Uh, this has been great, but we've gotta go.
We really have to go.
-Oh, okay. -Yeah, come on.
Dude, it was lovely meeting you.
Nice.
Yeah, okay. Let's go, come on.
Hmm.
Meet me at the stables later and we can take a ride.
Okay.
Yeah, for sure.
[♪♪♪]
David Dean, Stream Team manager.
Hi.
Hey David, how's your wife?
Yeah, David, where's your ring?
Yeah, isn't she pregnant or something?
Okay, I get it.
Hey guys, it's Jules. And...
ELLIOT: Look at 'em.
Ignoring all the signs.
Hey guys, what's up? It's Jul... So weird.
ELLIOT: Everybody but her.
What's wrong?
My post isn't uploading.
Oh, Beverly, I just got a ping from downstairs.
They're ready for David.
Of course.
Business affairs would like to go over some deal points.
Oh, yeah, great. [chuckles]
ELLIOT: Separating the group one by one.
That means Jack, Flynn, Liz, Jules.
It's time for you to meet Mr. Rektor.
Right this way.
ELLIOT: Typical vampire pack-hunting tactics.
You guys have this without me?
Yeah, we got it.
[owls hooting]
This is where I leave you.
I'm sorry.
This is where you leave me?
ELLIOT: Now this part I admit, it's a bit of a mystery.
See yours truly is gonna use a little creative license
and paint a picture.
Like that time in Miami when a Cuban vamp syndicate
lured the bodyguard of a Congressman to a penthouse.
[screaming]
ELLIOT: The bastard never saw it coming.
David Dean, Stream Team manager.
ELLIOT: Which brings me back to this idiot schmuck turd.
Uh, I was told to meet here to go over the deal points.
ELLIOT: Nah, that's not the right music.
Let's try this.
That's more like it.
[♪♪♪]
ELLIOT: Alright, I know what you're thinking.
Why they don't just get to it and waste this asshole?
I'll tell you. It's a chemical thing.
They say the more anticipation and fear
that the victim can experience before the bloodletting,
makes the blood taste even sweeter.
Jeez.
Fuck...
[screams]
[♪♪♪]
FLYNN: So, where is Steven?
Natalie didn't tell you?
Not yet.
Steven can't actually see you.
[scoffs] Excuse me?
My husband is in need of care
and he's only able to interact in person with those
who have taken the vaccine.
Our vaccine.
So, without further ado.
[device beeps]
Greetings, my friends.
I thank you for making the journey
with such short notice.
Of course, sir.
We are massive fans.
-Yeah. -We are?
STEVEN ON TV: I suppose you might be wondering about Beverly and I
took such an interest in your little outfit.
Definitely.
STEVEN ON TV: After a century of infecting our planet
with greed, toxins, and overpopulation,
the planet is fighting back.
The viruses won't stop.
They will continue to mutate.
So, we need to build a new kind of human.
Stronger, immune.
True warriors.
And you all can be the match that lights the fire.
Huh.
-Amazing. -Really?
What my genius husband is trying to say,
is that we think you can help us promote
The Rektor Foundation's new super vaccine
that can turn millions of possible deaths
into something even more amazing than just being alive.
Being totally immune to everything.
And for your promotion to your combined user base
of 55 million plus,
we're gonna pay you to the tune of $15 million.
And that's just year one.
[chuckles]
Holy shit.
♪ Oh man, I got a lot of gold ♪
♪ Stack that bread of dominoes, anything is possible ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I just, I just ♪
♪ I just want them bad, I just want them bad ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Bad ♪
♪ I just want them bad, I just... ♪
-Uh, we're in. -JACK: Yeah.
Nope.
Uh, um, do you mind giving us a beat?
Of course.
Jesus, Flynn, we're about to make millions
by saving the world.
How is it possible you can find a problem with that?
She's got a point, sis.
But why us?
Uh, hello. She literally just told us.
No way, they're-- they're hiding something, okay.
That's too much money. It's too top secret.
That paper that that guy gave me today--
LIZ: No, no,
are you seriously talking about the creepy guy
who threatened to kill us?
-Gross. -Okay.
Yes, the amount they're offering
-is weirdly high. -I mean, we would have do--
we would have done this for what?
Half a mil?
And also, where's David?
-He should be here, right? -Yes.
Okay, seriously, Jack.
I can't with her.
You always side with your sister.
What?
Look, she is not you're only dependent anymore.
I'm your family now.
Come on, don't you trust my instincts?
I'm sorry.
-Fuck this. I'm out. -Flynn?
Jack, look, just let her go, okay.
Let her go. It's not about her.
This is about us.
Okay.
You built the Stream Team from the ground up.
You deserve this.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. Yeah. [chuckles]
Let's do this.
-Okay. -Okay.
Now, before you sign, there's just one more thing.
Times are changing in our media empire.
And because of Steven's health and none of our heirs
willing to take the reins,
we've been on the hunt for new partners.
Not just to carry on the legacy of our company,
but to reinvent it for today's audience.
STEVEN ON TV: Jack, I've been watching you for years.
You can do so much more and with my power,
you'll be unstoppable.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Are you talking about giving us your--
My company?
Yes.
Oh.
LIZ: Oh, my God.
It's really happening, babe.
We're gonna be billionaires.
[chuckling] Babe.
Ahem.
Uh, no offense.
We are insanely flattered, but um... why us?
It's simple math, really.
Our research shows that you alone engage
with ten times more users under the age of 25
than any other public figure in the world.
I do?
Of course you do, my handsome man.
[Jack chuckles]
Your 55 million followers are just the beginning.
Combined with our network capabilities,
they will expand to hundreds of millions,
become the backbone of consumer buyers,
controlling advertising spends, political influence,
and world markets.
What we're proposing is a trial merger.
See, how we feel about you and your new role
as leader of our media group
and after six months, we make it a little more formal.
It's a simple offer sheet.
David already looked it over.
-It's just... -Oh, fuck.
[screams]
BEVERLY: Anything you see or participate in
during this trial merger stays between us.
It's like a formal family deal before all the business stuff
gets ironed out.
[nervous chuckles] Yeah.
You ready?
Uh... here we go.
[Liz chuckles]
Great.
[chuckles]
-Oh, it's amazing. -Yeah.
[Liz chuckles]
[Jack sighs]
This is seriously the best day of my life.
Well, I mean apart from our wedding--
-Yeah. -Of course.
What's up, my Jullionaires?
I'm getting ready for a date with a real life cowboy.
So, if you have pro tips, make sure to DM them to me
or comment down below to impress him.
And I've also been using Wewe Face Glow,
which is what's keeping me glowing.
So, uh, for more info, just check in the link above.
Or swipe up to see more.
Bye, guys.
Oh, Jesus.
What, is the deal off?
No, deal's very much on.
Then what's wrong?
Uh, there is something seriously off about this place
and I want no part of it.
Okay.
Don't have a Flynn attack.
-Calm down. -I'm calm.
I'm just telling you I think we should go now.
What about your brother and Liz?
They won't listen.
I think this shit's bad.
Okay, what if that guy on the road earlier was right
and these people aren't just greedy,
they're evil?
Evil, really?
That thing I read earlier said Rektor's up to something.
And now they're offering us all this crazy money
to help them promote it.
What kind of money?
Half a mil? Million?
Are they including me?
I'm serious.
-Are you coming with me or not? -I would.
I really, really would but um,
actually I have a date tonight.
Harry.
A date.
Oh, Flynn, come on.
No, no, it's super cool.
No one believes me.
Everyone thinks I'm just fucking nuts.
I guess I'll try to find a signal somewhere
and see if I can catch an Uber
to go play my semi-final deathmatch alone.
Okay, sorry.
Text me.
Good luck with your deathmatch.
[♪♪♪]
You gotta be shitting me.
I can-- unbelievable.
Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
[♪♪♪]
-[muffled screaming] -Shhh, shh.
Don't-- don't move.
Sshh.
Don't scream.
-Get away from me. -Shhh.
The feeding hour is upon us.
Their heightened senses means they can see everything.
[grunts]
What the hell's the matter with you, dude?
You can't just grab me.
You know what?
They had a valid fucking point.
You're the one I should be scared of.
Not Rektor.
Put that mace down.
I'm trying to save you, Flynn.
How do you know my name?
I'll explain that later.
No, you're going to explain it now
or I'm screaming.
We don't have time for this.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Where the hell are you going?
Hey!
You can't get a fucking signal out here.
They only get a signal when they want you to.
[Flynn sobbing]
Hey?
Come with me now before it's too late.
I don't need your help, old man.
Oh, I love this.
The smell is so authentic.
It's great.
HARRY: Jules...
I'm waiting for you.
Harry?
Is that you?
HARRY: Why don't you come this way, little lady?
[loud bang]
[gasps] Shit.
[horses neighing]
[♪♪♪]
Guys?
Jack?
Liz?
Shit.
That's more like it.
[loud bang]
[horses neighing]
Shit!
Fuck.
Calm down, you freak.
You're just letting Flynn get into your head.
I uh, took the liberty of trying the wine.
It's really good.
Is it biodynamic?
Jules?
Don't worry, cutie, I'm coming for you.
Hello, Jules.
Oh, shit.
[growls]
Listen, I'm not gonna tell anyone
what you guys are up to.
-[Harry growls] -I promise.
Just-- just-- just let me go.
That's not happening, Jules.
Okay. I thought that you were a nice guy!
No, I ain't.
Why me?
You-- you love animals.
Remember, the whales?
I love animals.
I just hate humans.
Jules!
You smell tender and juicy.
[screams] Aah!
Never trust a guy with a man bun.
Jules!
Flynn! Flynn!
Don't fight the catch...
[chuckles]
We have a connection.
-[chuckles] -[Jules screams]
[growls]
[grunting]
[♪♪♪]
-Jules! -Flynn! Flynn!
[screaming]
Ah!
[screams]
ELLIOT: Lesson learned.
Never accept a date from a dude with a man bun.
[growls]
No. No, no, no, no.
ELLIOT: No more swipes up for you, sweetheart.
[screams]
[growls]
You have nowhere to run!
[growls]
Looks like you needed my help after all.
How did you--
Know you're gonna get eaten alive?
Kind of, yeah.
[growls]
You should come out with me. I'll show you.
Really?
We're gonna do this shit again?
No, no, I'm coming. I just--
We have to save my brother, too.
Alright, we'll see. Come on.
Oh, wow.
This feels like...
Home?
Our 500 print and television subsidiaries worldwide
make up 90 percent of the global market.
By the end of the decade, we plan to have acquired
-all of them. -Sweet.
People, they call me,
heartless, a capitalist, a gold digger.
NATALIE: And this of course one of our many satellite locations,
where all data and imagery are run through our algorithms
straight up to the cloud.
Sweet.
Algorithms are kind of my jam.
I just-- I keep searching for a sense of security
and I know that the second I find it,
I'm gonna be a whole new person.
Well, I think you found it, baby girl.
Come on.
NATALIE: We like to think of our algorithm
as a giant filter
for all the world's facts, narratives, and viewpoints.
You ready for some real fun?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
NATALIE: Whether you're moderate or conservative
leftist, fascist, anarchist, it doesn't matter to us.
My 1975 Halston.
Jackie Onassis wore it once before I bought it.
Do you wanna try it on?
Heck yeah. [chuckles]
What's mine is yours.
Our ethos has always been,
why be a part of the conversation,
when you could construct the conversation itself?
Great question.
Sorry, was that a question?
Good eye.
This is some top secret shit
that I should not be showing you.
Is it Botox?
[chuckles] This is the vaccine.
It's gonna heal the world.
Total immunity to everything.
Everything?
Just one little shot and nothing will ever stop you.
Can I do it now?
No.
Oh.
But.
But?
Seeing that we're already like family
and this is a momentous occasion,
it feels right to make an exception.
ELLIOT: Now, if an ageless billionaire has pulled you into a wardrobe,
inviting you to try a secret serum in a syringe
from a creepy wooden box...
You ready to be an untouchable queen?
ELLIOT: Just say...
Yes.
Yes, please.
ELLIOT: Wrong answer, sweetheart.
Hey, uh, thanks for the tour,
but I should probably be heading back.
My sister and my friends are probably
wondering about me.
Here we go.
You haven't even met Mr. Rektor yet.
Oh, uh, oh, why, is he around?
[groans]
[♪♪♪]
Welcome to the rest of your life.
No shit.
I grew up pulling all-nighters to watch re-runs of your show.
NARRATOR 2: Catch A Criminal with Elliot Jones.
If you're a criminal preying on the innocent,
if you assault, rape, and kill...
Aahhh!
NARRATOR 2: We have a message for you.
Watch out.
Justice is back in town.
Ride alone with Elliot Jones as he investigates,
pursues, and brings down the darkest,
most elusive night stalking predators on our streets.
Catch A Criminal with Elliot Jones.
Making America safer.
Catch A Criminal with Elliot Jones.
NARRATOR 3: Thursdays at 9:00, 8:00 Central on BDN.
What happened to you?
[sighs]
My daughter, Molly, she was...
she was murdered in the hotel suite
of a record label executive.
So... there was a trial, highly publicized search
for her killer and all that bullshit.
That's what led to setting the whole show in motion.
But it was all for her, it was all for Molly.
I followed every clue until it led me to the--
the owner of the record label.
Hmm.
Who also happened to be the owner of the network
that paid for my show.
Steven Rektor.
Steven fucking Rektor.
NATALIE: This is our newest feature,
personally designed by Mr. Rektor himself.
It's the latest
in immersive audio-visual experiences.
What like VR?
Like nothing you've ever seen.
ELLIOT: A lot of people think that vampires is the stuff
of fairy tales, and novels, and all that bullshit.
But little do they know that Bram Stoker himself
was a vampire!
Making up lies to distract us from the truth.
That the vampire illuminati not only walks among us,
they've gamed our entire system, our financial institutions.
We got shadow governments making up laws
we don't even fucking know about.
Massive media mergers, algorithms, data mining
to control what people think.
While the police state keeps us in line.
Now, we got a vaccine.
Yeah, all in the name of healing the world
when it's really about keeping our blood clean enough
for their consumption.
Rooting out the prey from a super society of predators
who worship at the altar of a vampire illuminati.
And that's the truth, baby.
JACK: Okay so, I just lie there.
Clothes on obviously, right. No? Okay, I'm joking.
Alright.
Whoa, here we go.
Have fun.
[♪♪♪]
Hello?
Hello, Jack.
Steven?
ELLIOT: Cocksuckers, hang on a second.
Here we go.
[chuckles]
The Omega Society.
It's the oldest and most secretive society
on the planet.
It's more of a cult really.
Their origins date back since before recorded history.
Want a smoke?
Uh, I-- I vape.
Grow up.
Look, they lived off the blood of small mammals until...
until they realized that drinking human blood
would give them immortal life.
If they drank it often enough.
But it wasn't long until us humans
started fighting back.
By the Middle Ages,
we had these motherfuckers on the run.
Then, they came up with a new tactic.
Fleeing their villages in a mass migration.
And then reintegrating into our society,
pretending-- pretending, mind you, to be one of us.
But they're weak.
They have a disease.
The whole family has had a disease for 350 years.
And now Rektor's dying.
And he thinks you're the cure.
FLYNN: What do you mean cure?
ELLIOT: Hunters way before me have been documenting their kills
for centuries.
But there is one event that changed everything.
1627.
During the Würzberg witch trials,
a young woman, a leper was prayed over
by a powerful French cleric Armand Jean du som--
something.
Said to be touched by God Himself.
Anyway, puts his hands on her,
says a prayer, and boom, she's healed.
Just like that.
True miracle.
Well, she healed so fast, they thought she was a witch.
Decided to burn her at the stake
but the night before her execution,
she had a visitor.
A vampire patriarch brutally drained her
of every ounce of blood in her frail body.
But her blood... [chuckles] ...it was special.
Infused by the Holy Spirit himself
thanks to the cleric, you see.
She was given the divine gift of life.
That will wreak havoc on the dead.
Her name was lost through time, but she was forever referred to
as the "Geist des Schicksals", "the Ghost of Fate".
And through the centuries, that infected bloodline
has run rampant through the Rektor family
making each generation shorter, and weaker,
and more desperate than the ones before.
And now Steven Rektor thinks that you and Jack are the cure.
Holy shit.
ELLIOT: And hell, I think they're right!
My theory is that not only is your blood the right type,
but you and Jack have Rektor DNA.
Your great grandpa Wilbur Chambers
married a Lydia Riechtor, which could have been Rektor.
Vampires are changing their fucking names
all the time,
That's why they're after you.
'Cause they think you and Jack are part of the family.
So, we gotta go now.
-ELLIOT: We're not ready. -Why not?
ELLIOT: We've gotta prepare.
I thought that's what we've been doing.
I've been killing vamps a long time, honey.
Steven Rektor, that son of a bitch,
he ain't no ordinary vampire.
Nope.
He's a dark lord,
whose royal bloodline goes back to the very beginning.
Now, you take him out,
you take out one of the biggest vamp syndicates of all time.
I can't believe this is my fucking life right now.
Okay. Rektor's birthday as on record is 1921.
Now, a vampire's natural lifespan is of course endless.
But no financial or real estate records
ever show one vampire ever living past
the century mark.
What does that mean?
It means after 100 years,
they simply vanish into thin air.
So you're saying that Rektor is near the...
expiration date.
But he's also immortal, so what does that mean?
Vampires age and die just like you and me.
But their spirit never does.
They simply move on to a new host.
Somebody they feel can carry on their legacy.
Yup, yup, that's Jack.
I've been waiting for you.
Wow, man.
You look so...
Real.
Yeah.
What-- and dude, this place, it's--
It's ah...
You know, it's strange, it kind of reminds me of, um...
Winston's Bar and Grill?
Yeah.
Dude.
Oh, yeah, no.
Man, I-- I used to work here.
I mean not here, you know the-- the real one.
Not virtual, but...
Yeah, no, I-- I was the DJ.
I mean to be honest, I was pretty fucking bad.
[chuckles]
Umm, but this place is where I made my first YouTube videos
with my roommate.
It's uh...
How did you know?
I know everything about you.
Your high school crush to your first viral video.
The first million dollars you ever made.
The day you met Liz to the exact amount of money
in your checking account right now.
Yeah. Oh, shit, uh...
You-- about that, umm, Mr. Rektor,
the reason that account is so low is just because,
you know, our overheads are so high.
Uh, but I can assure you Stream Team's value
is still rocking high.
[chuckles] We don't care about all that.
Jack, everything you think you know about the world,
it's all about to change.
You are about to change.
I am?
It's time for your next evolutionary step.
Sorry, I...
I think I'm a bit confused.
Umm, when you say-- what do you mean...
Huh, what's going on?
[laughing in background]
Umm...
Hey guys, very funny.
I get it.
You know I thought this was gonna be like a VR experience
on a beach, you know or in space.
Something.
[♪♪♪]
[banging]
Can someone let me out of here, please?
Oh, come on, okay.
Umm, okay, so, that was great.
I'm-- I'm sorry, I-- I-- I have to go.
It was-- it was nice meeting you guys,
but umm, listen, I'm sorry.
I uh, I-- I really gotta go.
You're not going anywhere.
Sorry, Jack.
No, no, it's cool. No need to apologize.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
It was nice meeting you guys.
Liz?
Hi.
Baby. Oh, my God, baby.
[growls]
Baby.
Are you okay?
Never better.
Baby, we-- we-- we gotta go.
-Now. -No.
-Why? -Why?
We made it, baby.
No, no, we didn't.
This place is a fucking trap.
Baby, we gotta go.
Kiss me.
Now?
[growls] Kiss me.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit. You're one of them.
Eternal life, Jack.
[demonic voice] Think about it.
We have more money, power, and success
than we ever imagined.
It's the Holy Grail, Jack.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, this is not okay.
I can't--
We can't be like these people.
We just need to get you to a hospital.
You know, there's still time. We can reverse this.
-[growls] -Oh, fuck fangs, oh, God.
Oh.
Ah.
Goodnight, Jack.
[♪♪♪]
Let me out of here.
Oh, let's not be difficult here.
You should be grateful.
You're about to be a king, and join the spirits
with the longest bloodline in the world.
JACK: Please, I'm begging you.
There's been a mistake.
This isn't what we signed up for.
Page six.
A full transference of all of Steven and Beverly Rektor's
assets, including their own personal DNA.
You did read the contract, correct?
Look, whatever you're planning, just find someone else, okay?
I'm-- I'm not gonna tell anyone, I promise.
We don't want anyone.
We chose you.
Chose me for what?
Welcome to the family.
What, no!
No, please. No.
[Jack's muffled screams]
Well, full transition, less than an hour.
An hour? I saw him like an hour ago.
That's why I'm saying we should be going now.
These bastards are the most vicious, the strongest,
fastest, most vile motherfuckers on this planet.
The games are over, honey.
You walk in that house,
chances are you'll get exsanguinated
in less than a minute walking through the door.
Sounds fun.
Hey, I'm serious.
You gotta follow my lead.
Whatever it takes to save my brother.
You know I always thought I'd die alone.
It's nice to know I got some company.
Always aim for the chest.
A wooden stake or a silver blade through the heart,
are the only proven way to kill these bastards.
How-- how long have you been killing these things for?
A long fucking time.
Come on.
Countermeasures, always have 'em on you.
Crosses, the fear of God slows 'em down.
But mine packs an extra punch.
Cute.
Holy water.
Only use this as a last resort
when shit really hits the fan, okay?
And no self-respecting vampire hunter
ever leaves home without a pack of these babies.
Liquid garlic.
Explodes on contact with any vamp scum.
Huh, vamp scum?
Yeah. What?
Nothing.
It's a cool nickname.
And last but sure as shit not least,
there's the four-second rule.
Now, a typical vampire just wants to drain your blood
and leave you for dead, right?
But if you get fangs in with the dark Lord or his ilk,
you got exactly four Mississippis to get 'em out
before you turn.
And if you do turn, I got no choice,
but to stake your ass to the grave.
Ditto.
[chuckles]
Fat chance, kid.
We're close.
FLYNN: Anything else I should know?
Yeah, yeah, there is.
We're gonna do everything we can to help your brother.
But there are thousands of lives at stake here.
Now, we got three hours till sunrise
and a lot of vampire ass to kick between now and then.
So, are you ready?
Actually give me one second.
What the hell are you doing?
I may have missed the semi-finals,
I'm gonna show the league that I'm good enough to go pro.
You're filming this?
Got a problem with that?
Do I have a choice?
No, not really.
Alright, locked and loaded.
[static]
[♪♪♪]
SAWYER: Holy crap, guys.
Flynn Chambers is back on live.
Oh, my gosh.
And it looks like she's in a secret bunker with her dad.
That's not her dad.
Her dad died three years ago.
Let's just say it, her outfit's pretty badass.
She looks like she can kill.
And the whole bow and arrow thing
is very Fortnite 2019.
But she's bringing it back and I'm here for it.
This stuff is legit scary though.
We need to find out who that guy is.
Yeah, for real.
That guy is mad sus.
Wait, look-- looks like she's starting.
Shhh.
[dog barking]
[♪♪♪]
Whoa, whoa.
Easy here, ladies.
Easy, girls.
Easy now.
[grunting]
A little help here!
Oh.
Nice reflexes there, lady.
Fuck you very much.
Here.
Rektor's close.
I can feel it.
So when we find Rektor, how do we take him down?
Yeah, thanks for reminding me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You insane?
When I said I'd alone, I wasn't fucking.
There's no known way to kill a Dark Lord or his queen.
I'm just looking for some way, any way
to break the cycle and in the transition
maybe save your brother.
Alright.
The simple fact is ain't nobody ever done that
and lived to tell the tale.
Nobody but nobody in a thousand years
has ever successfully taken down the leader
of a vampire syndicate.
In fact, there's only been three documented attempts.
First, is none other than the inspiration for Dracula himself.
Vlad the Impaler.
A brutal leader who, as legend has it,
dipped pieces of bread in bowls of his victims' blood.
He staked their bodies all over Eastern Europe.
But not documented, Vlad was almost defeated
by a Bavarian goldsmith named Syd the Shylock.
Trapped Vlad with the aid of his cousin, Esther,
who well may be a whore.
And he fed him divine water and garlic injections
for three weeks straight.
But one morning when Syd left for town,
Vlad seduced Esther,
with the promise of a real apple.
It was very rare those days.
And that was the end of Syd and Esther and the last time
anybody ever saw or heard of Vlad the Impaler.
And then there's Jack the Ripper.
Most consider the Welsh murderer,
the very first serial killer,
but while Scotland Yard was desperate to catch Jack,
one detective, Frederick George Abberline,
knew the truth.
Jack wasn't a serial killer.
He was the leader of a Welsh vampire syndicate,
known as The Blood Prince.
And our friend Frederick almost busted the entire ring.
Killed dozens of vamps including several members
of Jack's own family.
But even with the most inventive steampunk armory,
some of which we still use today,
his tactics were no match for the Ripper.
The Blood Prince seduced Frederick
with the one thing the detective always wanted,
dental surgery.
Which brings us to the Rektor's,
this creepy fucking bunker, and our sorry asses.
Yeah, well, I'm not down for a suicide mission, bro.
Okay, you're gonna need to give me something else
to work with.
According to the great prophecy,
there's one way to kill a Dark Lord,
and that's for him to get fanged
by somebody from his own blood order,
i.e. somebody that he himself converted.
[chuckles]
That right there is just downright impossible, honey.
There has to be another way.
Now, you find that out.
And you let me know, okay.
[vampire growls]
Our guests have arrived.
Rektor's bodyguard.
Might be the only one that knows where your brother is now.
Hey buddy, how you doing?
[chuckles]
More coming to your way.
ELLIOT: I bet you're wondering why the big guy
didn't take us down?
Well, because he knows and I know,
we're already dead.
Alright.
Are you ready for this?
Because things are about to go from mildly nightmarish
to completely batshit fucking crazy.
Hmm?
What do you think, they're waiting for us?
What the fuck do you think?
All the shit we do for family.
[♪♪♪]
[Jack groaning]
Oh, my God.
That's the worst thing I've ever seen.
All that blood for one vampire?
Not just one.
You see all them tube feeders?
Means this vamp ring is a lot bigger than I thought.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
-Looks like a-- -Trap.
Jack?
Jack, Jack, come on.
Jack, look, Jack, you have to wake up.
Please. Jack?
[shushes] Stop.
Mr. Jones.
Welcome to the party.
Hello, bitch.
Flynn.
Hey, where is he, vamp scum?
He's been waiting for you.
Where is he?
[growls]
Oh, I'm sorry, was that a question?
'Cause I thought you knew everything about us.
Try me.
Jesus, fuck.
They've been hiding his decline for years.
That's Rektor?
Who did we speak to before?
Goddamn deepfake program.
Remember, trust nobody.
Believe nothing.
And this piece of shit, it's been a long time coming,
you bloodsucking megalomaniac shitfucker.
Now, huh, we meet at last.
Well, not exactly.
You missed them by about an hour.
We did?
Beverly Rektor has safely transitioned
to her new host body.
What about this piece of shit?
Oh, well, Steven is somewhere in transit,
as his host completes his transfusion.
Once the royal blood is in,
it means the spirit can finally bind the body.
It's the final step.
I'm sorry, darling.
No!
No fucking way.
He didn't know what he was getting into, alright?
You can do whatever the hell you want with her.
Stay the fuck away from my brother.
Think they'll just kill each other?
Have fun draining, Mr. Jones.
I'm gonna make sure the sister stays in the family.
Holy shit.
They want you to be the liaison.
It's a half-vampire, half-human
bound to the do the bidding of the king and queen, forever.
No.
That's not gonna happen.
I've always wanted to taste someone's integrity.
Bring it, vamp scum.
[growling]
[both grunts]
[Natalie growls]
That was easy.
[both grunting]
Jesus!
[♪♪♪]
Get the hell off me, you fucking vamp.
[groans]
[indistinct speech]
Die, bitch.
Did she?
Am I?
Nah, you're good.
Alright, let's shut this shit down.
Shall we?
I'm sorry, guys.
He's mine now.
Don't listen to her. She's a queen now.
Not her true self.
No, no, that's Liz.
I'm gonna gut this bitch once and for all.
Oh, sweetie, try me.
A little help here!
[grunts]
LIZ: No! [screams]
[grunting]
[growls]
[♪♪♪]
[growls]
Flynn!
Fucking queen, don't let her get away!
[screams]
-Press the blood. -FLYNN: Where's the button?
Press the fucking blood.
Aahh...
ELLIOT: The plan is not exactly simple.
Feeding Rektor back his own royal blood
takes a lot of steps.
So, to make it clear, for all you
YouTubing, TikToking cocksuckers out there,
here are some tips.
[♪♪♪]
[groans, screams]
Aaah! Help.
Oh, my God, Flynn.
Please get me out of this thing.
Come on.
Look.
Oh, God.
[Steven growls]
[Jack & Flynn shout]
ELLIOT: Ah, you thought I forgot.
So, the third and perhaps the closest,
anybody's ever come to busting a syndicate
happened in the afternoon of November 24th in 1971.
A charismatic vamp posing as an ad man
was well on his way to manipulating the masses
through Madison Avenue and forming a movement
to create large feeding areas
that would later become known as discos.
But on his way to triumph, he was double crossed
by a royal member
who was determined to use this disco concept
for a long time dream to become a popstar.
She sold out the ad man to an elite group of slayers,
who staged a coup on a flight from Portland to Seattle.
Sensing danger,
the now iconic bloodsucker, otherwise known
by the name of D.B. Cooper disappeared forever.
-JACK: Oh, fuck me! -FLYNN: Oh.
JACK: Oh, God. Whoa.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Flynn.
I'm so sorry, you were right.
You were right about all of it.
I know, what else is new?
[chuckles]
Please get me out of this thing.
-Come on. -Uhhh.
Oh, my God.
-Are we too late? -Oh, yeah.
Listen, you did a pretty good job.
-Yeah. -What about this?
Oh, yeah.
You got three minutes to get your brother out of here.
Hey, it was pretty fun, wasn't it?
Huh?
Not really.
It's alright.
Let's go. It was nice meeting you again.
Hey, remember, trust nobody.
Believe nothing.
[♪♪♪]
[growls]
ELLIOT: Flynn!
[Liz screams]
[screaming]
[♪♪♪]
[screaming]
[panting]
Come on, let's go.
[van engine starts]
[♪♪♪]
It's vamp time.
♪ I'll be loving you ♪
♪ Always ♪
♪ With a love that's true ♪
♪ Always ♪
♪ When the things you plan ♪
♪ Need a helping hand ♪
♪ I will understand ♪
♪ Always ♪
♪ Days may not be fair ♪
♪ Always ♪
Good show.
Elliot Jones did it.
Hoo, hoo!
ELLIOT: So, if you're ever invited to an exclusive party
that you have no business being in
or offered a business opportunity
that is too good to be true.
Or you meet an impeccably-dressed
handsome billionaire who has a Red Room,
you need to ask yourself,
"Am I the prey or the predator?"
And "Do I have what it takes to be a motherfucking slayer?"
[indistinct lyrics]
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
[indistinct lyrics]
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ Is there a fighting machine gun ♪
♪ Faster than a running horse? ♪
♪ Do you have the ways to do by me ♪
♪ Half a man, half a beast ♪
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ Turn in your name ♪
[indistinct lyrics]
♪ Branded by a fighting machine gun ♪
♪ Faster than a running horse ♪
♪ Do you the ways to do by me ♪
♪ Half a man, half a beast ♪
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ I am your master ♪
♪ Now sign your name ♪
♪ Never stop keeping ♪
I know a lot of you have questions.
I definitely do.
Like is this a new promo for a new vampire movie?
If it's so, what's the name?
And I guess Jules finally quit the business.
[chuckles]
And when is Liz's new nail kit coming out?
'Cause this bitch definitely needs it.
Sophie, what's our news for today?
Okay, guys, so I listen to MPR
and basically, everyone went missing from the compound.
And there are serious reports of foul play.
What's MPR, girl?
[bleeped] idiot.
So today our plan is to look back
from the live streams and posts from the past few days.
But before we do that,
I gotta give a big shout-out to our sponsor, LIT.
It's a new deodorant for dudes like me and you.
Also don't forget to subscribe.
What about my sweatshirt sponsorship?
-No one cares about that. -No one cares.
But-- but this.
[♪♪♪]