[clattering]
[Lauren Spencer-Smith's "Will You Love Me Tomorrow"]
* *
- * Tonight you're mine completely *
* *
* You give your love so sweetly *
* *
* Tonight the light of love *
* Is in your eyes *
* *
* But will you love me tomorrow? *
* *
* Is this a lasting treasure *
- * Sha-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la *
- * Or just a moment's pleasure? *
- * Sha-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la *
- * Can I believe *
* The magic of your sighs? *
* Will you still love me tomorrow? *
- Players surging forward with real menace.
Delivery to Vinnie Fisk!
It's a perfect touch. He's on the breakaway.
Keeper comes out--
[cheers and applause]
* *
- Thirsty?
- No--good. I'm--I've got something.
- I wasn't talking about the drink.
[upbeat music playing]
- What? [laughs] No. What?
- You've been staring at the guy
like you've been waiting to meet him your whole life.
Go say hello.
Buy him a drink.
- No, not me, uh-uh. No.
No, thank you. [laughs]
Actually, okay.
Okay.
Thirsty?
- Hmm?
- Uh, for a drink. Not--not sexually.
Gross. I didn't mean it like that.
I'm gonna order an alcoholic beverage.
Would you like to have one, too, with--with me?
- Uh, sure. Why not?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
[clears throat]
[clears throat] Phil. - What can I get you?
both: Old fashioned.
[both laughing] - How adorable.
It's a real cute vibe going on here.
- Okay, two old fashioneds, and you can cut that out, Phil.
Hi, I'm Sheila. - Hi.
- I'm, uh--I'm Gary.
- Oh, Gary.
Wow, so we both have, like, old-timey names.
- Yeah, and I guess very sadistic parents.
- Oh, don't even get me started.
I mean, there's no couch in here.
[laughs]
But yeah, Gary's-- that's a good name.
That's, like, a strong name.
- Yeah, I guess, if you're, like,
a used car salesman or something.
- Oh, wait, you're not a--
- A--a used car salesman?
- Or a mechanic?
- No, no. No. Sorry.
- Really needed to get my car fixed,
so I should probably go.
- Oh...
- I'm totally kidding. - Okay.
- [laughs] - Okay.
- Ah! Oh, yay! - Yeah.
Thanks, Phil.
both: Cheers, mate!
- That was kinda weird.
- [chuckles] Well, not really.
- I mean, what are the odds?
- Odds are pretty good, actually.
Gary, I gotta come clean with you.
I'm a time traveler from the future.
So I knew everything you were gonna say.
- Right. Okay. - [laughing]
- Okay. - Yeah.
- [clears throat] So what is the future like?
- Kind of what you'd expect, you know.
Robots hunting down inferior robots
while the humans just watch and do nothing.
- So kind of like "Blade Runner"?
- No, that's a work of fiction, Gary.
This is reality I'm talking about.
- Yeah. Sorry.
Yeah, you're right. - [laughing]
- Uh, well, excuse me, but it sounds like
things are pretty rough for robots in the future.
- Yes. It's a real injustice.
But you know, I wouldn't worry about it.
They actually started their own civil rights movement.
- Wow. - It's making headway.
I can't talk about it.
Plus, I don't wanna fuck up your timeline.
- Thank you. Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Because I like my timeline. - Yeah.
No, totally. - You know. So, um--
- Mm-hmm. [laughs]
You know, all this time travel
really makes a girl super hungry.
- Wow.
That's--that's super interesting.
- So I'm gonna get some food.
Would you like to come with me and get food?
- Food. Yeah.
Let's--let's-- let's go get you some food.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. - All right.
- Okay. Bye, Phil.
[soft music]
* *
I noticed you weren't really watching the game in there.
So what do you have against televised sports?
Did, like, a football kill your grandpa or something?
- Yeah, actually, it did.
Love you, Grandpa.
- [laughs] - No.
I didn't really grow up in a sports-friendly household.
You know, my dad was never home.
He was, like, a traveling professor.
And yeah, we never played catch or anything like that.
So I just, like, stayed inside and watched movies.
And you know, before I knew it, he was dead.
- I'm sorry. - Don't be.
What are you gonna do? You know?
- My dad's dead too.
- Oh.
- [laughing] I don't know why...
Uh, he was a--also a traveling alcoholic, more so.
Traveled from bar to bar, you know?
And then eventually it just--it killed him.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
- Well, clearly, it didn't fuck either one of us up.
- No. Very normal people. - Yeah.
We're so normal. - Mm-hmm.
- Nothing wrong with us at all. - No.
I mean, other than the fact that
I'm about to ruin your life. - Yeah?
I had a feeling.
- Ladies, come drink for free!
[indistinct chatter]
- Okay. We're here.
What should we choose?
- Well, it's a real "Sophie's Choice"
kind of decision now, isn't it?
- I love it when you make that joke.
- What? - What?
- Best vindaloo in town!
Eight stars on the Yelp.
- Eight stars on Yelp!
We have to go to that one.
- Mr. Jeff Medolla
from "The Bachelorette" eat here.
- Oh. - Yes.
- Are you playing peekaboo or something?
- No, just looking at the menu. - Okay.
Well, I would like to see your face as soon as possible.
- Really? - If that's possible, yeah.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I wanna see your face. - Okay.
Let's just order so we can get the business out of the way,
you know, and get to pleasure, from one OCD person to another.
You understand that, right? I'll be right back.
- Yeah, for sure. - Hold on.
- Okay. - Just looking at the menu.
- Where'd Sheila go? I can't see her.
- Chicken korma.
- There she is. - Boom.
What were you asking me?
- The time travel thing?
- Oh, yes. - Like, yeah.
Where are you-- what year are you from?
- Oh, here's the thing, Gary.
I have got to come clean with you.
- You're not from the future, are you?
I mean, I kinda figured, but... - No, I am.
I am, actually. Very much.
I wouldn't lie about that.
But I'm just not from very far in the future.
I'm from...[whispering] 24 hours in the future.
- 24 hours in the future?
You can do that? - Yeah.
- That's incredible. - It's so cool.
- They have the technology to do that?
- They do. - It exists now?
- Mm-hmm. - Wow.
- I know. - Well, where is it located?
- At a nail salon. - Mm.
- Excuse me, can I get the chicken korma?
- Chicken korma. - Thank you. It's so good.
And maybe two glasses of the cab.
Is that okay with you? - Mm-hmm.
- Are you gonna order?
- I'll have the chicken vin--vindaloo.
- Oh, you won't regret it.
Nine stars on the Yelp. - Nine stars on Yelp.
[clears throat]
- Huh. - I read a lot of reviews.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Thanks, man.
- Gary, what do you do for work?
- I'm a freelance graphic designer
for, like, nonprofits, mostly.
I work from home. - Oh.
So the lonely boy becomes the lonely man.
- Well, when you say it like that, I kinda sound sad.
- No, you're not sad.
You're perfect. [stammers]
Who am I to talk about loneliness anyway?
I mean, I'm an executive producer's assistant.
Don't ask me what that is because I don't even know.
I feel lonelier in an open floor plan from 9:00 to 5:00
than I would at the bottom of a fucking well.
- Huh.
Bottom of the well can be pretty fucking lonely.
- Thank you. - So about that--thank you.
About that time machine...
- Totally. - From the nail salon--
- Cheers. - Yes.
- Mm. You like this.
- Mm-hmm. I do--what?
- You will like this.
So what were you asking...
- I do like this. - Me?
Sorry. - You are a time traveler.
What is that like? - Yes. Here's the thing.
I don't get my nails done.
I mean, it's a total maintenance nightmare,
and they chip all the time.
You know what I'm saying?
But I was having the best day.
And I was walking down 23rd and I saw this nail salon.
It was called Nail Me Good.
And I just felt they deserved my money.
I was greeted with the international welcome
of nail salons worldwide.
- What color? - Hmm.
Maybe something that says I've had a really nice day.
[Louis Anton Jr.'s "Garçon"]
Ooh, "Elegant Day." Perfect.
So I get my nails done,
and then I have to use the bathroom.
Do you have a restroom here?
I just need to freshen up.
[singer singing in French]
And there in the back was a large,
horizontal, glowing neon bed
that looked like a tanning machine,
and I was like, "Fuck it. I'm having a great day.
I should get a fucking tan."
Live life to its fullest, you know?
Like the housewives of Orange County.
So I call my girl June over.
June, so how much to use the tanning machine?
- Oh, no. It's not a tanning machine.
It's a time machine.
- Oh. - Yeah.
The owner bought it, but he doesn't like it.
It only goes back 24 hours. - Hmm.
Damn, false advertising.
Such a problem these days, June.
- Tell me about it. The owner went back
24 hours before he bought the time machine
to not buy the time machine.
- So if he did that,
then why is the time machine still here?
* *
- Anyway, you wanna try it?
- Me? [laughs] No, no.
I don't think so.
Plus, you know, I have a sensitive stomach.
- Try it. It's fun.
- Okay. Fuck it. I will.
Gosh, I'm having such a good day.
- That's the spirit.
[whirring]
- Wow. - Yeah.
- That is--that's just wow, honestly.
- Mm-hmm. I know.
- Wait, what'd you do with the other you from the past?
- Oh, my God. I didn't even think about that.
- Well, you better think about that.
She's just out there roaming around.
She's gonna be really pissed when she finds out
you're out here living your best life,
you know, out to dinner with some handsome guy.
- Oh, is that what I'm doing?
- Yeah. - [laughs]
What?
Do you think I'm crazy?
- [mouthing]
But it's really cute.
- Okay.
- Hey. Oops.
- You almost lost a star on Yelp right there.
- [laughs] - Better be careful.
- Looking good, Amit!
See you tomorrow.
[lively music playing]
- Look, uh, I gotta come clean about something.
I actually just got out of a long relationship,
yearlong, with a girl named Amber.
- Oh, nothing good ever came from a girl named Amber.
- That's not fair.
- Hmm.
- All right, maybe a little fair.
[both laughing]
Um, yeah, she was really sweet.
You know, just, like, kinda passive.
You know, she, like, always expected me
to know exactly what was on her mind all the time.
- Like passive-aggressive.
- Yeah. I guess you could say that.
It just--it got exhausting.
You know?
So I gave up
and I broke it off.
I don't know, I just--
I haven't done this in a long time.
I guess I'm awkwardly trying to say I'm having a good time.
- [laughs] - So yeah.
- No, no, I get it.
So there's no guesswork here.
Lucky for you, my mouth speaks before my brain tells it to.
- Oh, I know. I like that.
- Yeah, well, you like it now,
but you will not like it later.
[laughs] - I doubt that very much.
- We're almost there.
- Where? - Dessert!
- Dessert?
[mellow music]
* *
Ooh, that looks good.
Oops. Sorry. Hi.
- Beautiful night.
- Yes.
It is.
Um, what do you recommend?
- We've got a flavor called Childhood.
It's ice cream made out of milk left to soak for two weeks
in Fruity Pebbles cereal
served on a cone made out of deconstructed
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
- Um, do you have vanilla?
- No.
[soft music]
* *
- You know, it really does taste like my childhood.
- I know. Mine too.
It's amazing.
* *
[laughs] - What?
- You're just like a little baby.
It's all over your face. - Shut up!
- I grew up in that apartment building right there.
Literally right there. - Right there?
- Uh-huh. - No way.
- Yep. 600, Apartment 1K.
- That's crazy. What was that like?
- Um, the city was kind of different.
It was--it was fine,
but, well, it was a little bit lonely, you know.
I'm having a very strange feeling,
like a memory right now.
This cable guy showed up at our house.
I was really little, but I don't totally remember,
but I do remember
he was so nice to me.
* *
Is that so weird?
- Yes. That's very weird. - Yeah? [laughs]
- Yeah.
- I was normal. I had friends.
I didn't, like, murder animals or anything.
- Okay, well, the fact
that you just had to clarify that
means you're fucked up.
[both laughing]
- So should we keep this adventure up?
Should we go somewhere else?
- I'd love to.
- Do you like polka music? - No.
- What? - Do you?
- Yes. - Ew!
- [laughs]
- You know, I can't tell which one I like more,
the hoppy one or the wheat.
- Well, you're just gonna have to keep drinking then,
so you can find out.
- Right, for science.
- Obviously for science, yes.
That's what we're doing, an experiment.
[polka music playing]
- Oh, absolutely.
- You know, Gary, I just--I--
I gotta come clean with you about something.
- I know. I know you're from the future.
I get it. - Yes.
Yes, I am. - Mm.
- But something else.
Remember earlier at the restaurant
when you asked me what I did with my other self
when I traveled back to her timeline?
And I was like, "Ha, ha, ha.
I didn't even think about that. Ha, ha, ha."
Do you remember? - Mm-hmm.
- That was a lie.
- Okay.
- I killed her.
- [spits]
[coughs]
I wasn't expecting that.
You killed her?
- I did, yeah.
My car just like, vrrr, right over her face.
- That'll do it. - Yeah.
And then I stuffed her in my trunk.
- Oh.
Um, congrats on that.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
You're a murderer. - [laughs]
- So here's to dead Sheila.
- Yes. Yes.
- I hope she's in a better place.
- Yes, absolutely. - Absolutely.
- I mean, I'm jealous of her, to be honest with you.
- Absolutely. I mean, the world is a pretty--
all: Oh! - Oh, my--fuck.
I'm--I'm so--I'm sorry. - It's okay.
- Fuck, I'm so sorry. - It's fine.
- I'm sorry. Oh, no. - What are you doing?
- Fuck. - Are you kidding me?
- Look, it's okay for things to be messy sometimes.
Okay? - It is?
- Yeah.
- You're not...
you still wanna stay on the date?
- [laughs softly]
[soft music]
* *
[both laughing]
[indistinct conversation]
- That's true!
* *
[both shrieking]
* *
[fireworks popping]
* *
- I really like that sentence you said before.
The one about things being messy.
- Yeah, me too.
Someone said that to me a long time ago,
and it really stuck.
Like, it released me from some sort of mental prison,
you know? - Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly how I feel.
- Yeah.
What a night. - Yeah.
Was it worth all the time travel?
- Oh, absolutely.
Nine stars on Yelp.
[laughs]
- You know, I could probably do this forever,
but it is getting a little late.
So I'd really love to do this again sometime.
- Me too. I'll see you tomorrow.
- [laughs] What?
- You know, when I travel back 24 hours again.
- What do you mean again?
- Oh, I gotta come clean with you, Gary.
This is not our first rodeo.
[laughs] - What are you talking about?
- Yeah. I've spent the entire week with you.
This night, seven times in a row.
- Okay, wait. So you weren't kidding?
- No, not kidding.
Very serious.
- Okay, let's just pretend for a second
that I believe your whole future time travel bullshit--
because I don't, because it's bonkers,
but let's just pretend that I do.
Why would you travel back to the same time
over and over again?
Why? So you could get it right?
Or to try and, like, win me over or, like--
- No. - What are you doing?
- No, that would be super weird
and creepy and obsessive.
No, that's the whole point.
I don't have to be perfect.
All this magic you're feeling, I felt it, too,
from night one and every night after that.
And no matter which way I came at you--
awkward, funny, silly, sad-- you played it all perfectly.
And by the end of the night, we were always on cloud nine.
That's the thing. I don't have to try.
We just work.
Have you ever had a night like this,
ever, in your entire life?
You haven't. See?
Because you feel the magic too.
You feel it here, and you feel it here,
and you feel it here-- - Hey, all right.
Yes. Yes, I feel it there.
- Okay, well...[laughs]
That's why I have to keep revisiting this night.
The perfect night.
- But why would you wanna revisit
the same thing over and over again?
You know, wouldn't you wanna try something new
and maybe, I don't know,
we go out for, like, a second date
or see if we have a future, like, the old-fashioned way.
- No, Gary, I've already done that, okay?
It just--it doesn't end well.
Look, tomorrow, Amber's gonna call you
and tell you she's pregnant or you're gonna get killed
in a freaky subway track accident.
It was terrible. Your body was, like, all--
it was everywhere and very unsettling.
The entire East Coast's gonna get nuked,
you know, and we think it's North Koreans,
but we realize it's an inside job, so...
- What? What are you--
- Nothing. Gary, it's okay.
Listen, it doesn't matter.
This is just about us.
You have to trust me.
This is the cleaner way.
- Um--I'm, uh...
I'm really tired.
Uh, my head hurts.
I think I should probably get going.
- I know.
- It was nice to meet you, Sheila.
- Bye, Gary.
I'll see you tomorrow.
* *
- So I've just been listening to Sports Talk radio,
'cause I don't wanna listen to real news.
[continues speaking indistinctly]
* *
[brakes screeching]
* *
- Players surging forward with real menace.
Delivery to Vinnie Fisk!
It's a perfect touch. He's on the breakaway.
Keeper comes out--
[cheers and applause]
- Thirsty?
- Yeah. Yeah, Phil. I wanna tap that.
Happy? - Damn.
You go, girl.
Why don't you go talk to him?
- I am gonna go buy him a drink.
Nice evening for it, huh?
- Uh, so--for--
uh, for what? - Exactly.
I'm gonna order an alcoholic beverage.
Would you like one?
- Uh...[clears throat] Yeah. Sure.
- Great. - Yeah.
So I had to develop these, like, coping mechanisms.
Nothing like murdering people, but--
- Oh, I had coping mechanisms too.
I mean, not the murdering part.
Actually, yeah, I did. More murdering myself.
I more have, like, these impulses that I can't control
where things just...
* *
It's very hard to live that way.
- Yeah, I imagine that could be quite debilitating.
- Can't control it, yeah. - Mm-hmm.
- Which one do we choose? - I don't know.
It's a real "Sophie's Choice" over here.
- Best chicken korma on the East Coast.
- Let's go to this one. - Henry P. Zagat himself raves,
"It's a symphony for the senses."
Yeah, in 1995 before we moved locations.
- You know in--how the-- "Titanic,"
Jack teaches Rose how to spit? - Yeah.
- I kinda wanted to do that with you, but with burping.
I don't know.
You know, a lot of people actually say
I remind them of Leonardo DiCaprio,
like in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape."
- [laughing]
Yes. - They say it's uncanny.
- Uncanny. - Some say.
Wait, so if you're from the future, can--
you can tell... both: What I'm gonna say?
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
- Hey, let's order.
You know, because-- - Yeah.
So you can get business out of the way
so you can focus on the pleasure.
* *
- Um...
What--yeah. - What can I get you?
- All the things. We want all the things.
Let's get everything.
Let's just, like, max out the credit card, you know?
Yeah, like curry and chicken kebabs
and saag mushroom and butter chicken
and chicken makhni tikka, fish masala,
shrimp biryani with lamb or beef rezala,
broccoli and chana, bhindi bhaji,
chicken pakora, coconut curry,
and, like, two very large wines.
- Thank you, sir.
- I was very hungry.
- So do you know John Connor?
"The Terminator."
- Mm-hmm. - He's--he's from the future.
- Oh, I'm actually just from 24 hours in the future.
- Okay. - Gary, here's the thing.
Now that we've been seeing each other for three months,
I just really feel like I can open up to you, you know?
- Okay. Uh--
- Normally I tell you that I walked into a nail salon
and I just stumbled upon this time machine
on a very happy, sunshiny, perfect day.
But that's just really not the case.
See, on that fateful day three months ago
when I took my first trip,
I was actually about to kill myself.
[dramatic music]
* *
Good afternoon, everyone.
I plan on killing myself, and I'd really like
to go out with some nice nails.
You know, for the fans.
What?
- What color?
- Hmm, something more that says,
"She lived a classy life."
- Hmm.
- "Elegant death." I like it.
- It's glossy.
- Great.
- Do you have a bathroom here?
I'd really like to die on an empty bladder.
- Yeah.
I have a bathroom.
Maybe before you straight up murder yourself,
go in there.
- What?
Time travel?
Why? Why would I do that?
Why would I wanna go back to yesterday?
Yesterday was shit too.
Let me tell you, okay?
I do not wanna fucking do that.
I do not wanna go back there.
That would be a really, really, really big mistake, you know?
I'm just such a fucking loser.
I'm such a fucking sad sack.
Why are you so nice to me?
- You tip decent.
- I do tip well.
[crying] Just gonna...
I don't wanna ruin my nails.
- Okay. - Just get it, right?
- Okay. Okay. Look up.
- Time travel.
Tomorrow, yesterday, it doesn't matter.
That's the problem. That is the problem.
No matter what, my life is shit, okay?
- This is a second chance, and those are rare.
So maybe you should take it.
You might see things differently on the other side.
And if you don't,
you can always kill yourself later.
- Yeah, I'll do it. Fuck it.
Maybe I'll get shit out on the other side of the rainbow.
- That's the spirit.
[whirring]
- And here I am.
24 hours in the past.
- Well, how do you feel now?
- Much better.
- You just kind of got shit out the other side of the rainbow?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- I've been shit out the other side a couple times.
- [laughs] - It's okay.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
- Hmm.
In fact, this is the first time I've been this happy
in a very, very, very long time.
- Well, it makes me really happy.
I'm very, very glad to hear that.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
[pensive music]
* *
- Good night, Amit.
* *
Do you think I'm a passenger on the crazy train?
- No. No, I don't.
- You think I'm the conductor of the crazy train?
I should not have said any of that.
That was TMI.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I shouldn't have said that to you.
- Hey. Hey. Hey, relax.
I don't think that.
I really don't, at all.
And even if I do, who cares?
My life's been so boring.
I can get on this ride.
- Hmm.
Well, then, all aboard, baby. - All right.
Well, just don't drive us off a cliff, all right?
- Oh, I would never.
[gasps] Let's shop.
- For dirty clothes?
- [laughs] They're not dirty.
Look how cute.
- This one has gum on it. - Oh, my God.
[laughs] Gary. - What?
- An old-timey shirt with your old-timey name.
You have to get this. - No.
- Yes. I'm getting it for you.
- Absolutely not. - You have to.
- No. - You have to.
- Fine, but only if I can get you this.
- Okay. I'll get that.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
It'll look very cute on you.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Can't wait to wear some random guy's shirt.
- [laughs]
Isn't it pretty tonight? - Yes.
- You look very good in your new shirt, by the way.
- Oh, thank you. Mm.
- [laughing]
Oh, by the way, right there is exactly--
- Is that where you grew up or something?
- What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought, uh--for some reason I thought maybe
you might have mentioned...
- Yeah, no. Yes. Um.
[laughs] 600, Apartment 1K.
- Okay.
- My entire childhood.
Yeah. - That's crazy.
What was that like?
- Uh, you know, the city was very different then,
but it was kinda lonely.
My mom kinda gave up pretty early.
[chuckles] - What?
- Um, there was this, like, cable guy
who stopped by one afternoon.
I was really little, so I don't really remember,
but he was very nice to me.
I don't know why I just told you that.
It's weird. - It is a little weird.
- Yeah. - It's okay.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- Come here. Wanna take a picture?
- Obviously. - Let's take a selfie.
- Yeah. Let me take it. I have really long arms.
- No, no, no, no.
Oh. Oops. - Oh, fuck! Fuck.
- No, it's fine. - Oh, no.
I'm sorry. - It's not a big deal.
- No. I'm sorry. I think-- - It's just my phone.
- I think I can fix it. - Gary.
- I fucked up. I'm sorry. - Gary!
- I'm sorry--yeah-- - Gary!
It's okay for things to be messy sometimes.
[soft music]
* *
Oh, what a night.
- Yeah, it was worth all the time travel?
- Oh, yeah.
Henry Zagat says it's a symphony for all the senses.
- Zagat? - Yeah.
- "Zuh-gat"? - I think so.
- I thought it was "za-get."
I've been saying "za-get." - [laughs]
I don't think so.
Maybe I'm wrong.
[siren wailing]
So actually, this was the spot I was gonna kill myself.
Can you believe it?
- Wait. Really?
- I know.
Think about it.
The drop, the dive,
the chill of the water.
I mean, it's a pretty good way to go.
Plus, no blood, and no, like, weird forensics.
Like, what happened to her?
It'd be very obvious.
Pretty selfless way to kill yourself, don't you think?
I feel like people would call me
the Mother Teresa of suicides.
Maybe not, but I don't mind if they do.
- I mean, at the end of the day, it's--
deep down, it's...
it's all jokes, right?
- Uh, no. Not all of them.
But I'm okay now.
- I'm sorry. I wish I could--
- I've been waiting for you my whole life, Gary.
- Oh. Um--all right.
Well, don't you think it's a little early for that?
- It's been five months, Gary.
- Oh--we met today.
We met literally today.
- You're the first person to make me truly happy ever.
You're the man I've been
looking over men's shoulders for.
It's you this whole time.
I've been waiting my whole life for you.
You're finally here.
- Uh...
I think we should take a breath.
And I'm gonna go.
Is that okay? Is it okay if I go?
- Yeah, I'll be fine.
- You're not gonna do anything dumb, right?
- Mm-mm.
- You're sure you're okay?
- Mm-hmm.
I'll see you tomorrow, Gary.
[soft music]
[whirring]
Oh, what a night.
This was the spot I was gonna kill myself.
Can you believe it?
* *
- I'm sorry. I--
- Gary, I've been waiting for you my whole life.
- Oh. - Hmm.
- Well, um, I'm gonna go.
- Bye, Gary.
I'll see you tomorrow.
* *
[whirring]
You're the person I've been
looking over men's shoulders for.
You're the one I've been waiting for,
and you're finally here.
Think about it: the fall, the plunge,
the dive and the chill, the water.
Very good spot for it. And no blood.
You are the person that I have been waiting for
my entire life.
- Is it okay if I go?
Maybe talk about this some other time.
Don't you think it's a little too soon to talk like that?
- You're not even gonna remember this
and it just makes me so, so sad, Gary, you know?
- Tomorrow can't be that bad.
- Of course it can.
I have to keep revisiting it.
The perfect night.
You do it every time. Just fucking walk away.
It's fine. - How is that po--we ju--
- Every time.
- I don't know what you're talking about
'cause we just met, but okay.
* *
[door opens]
[bell jingles]
* *
[whirring]
- Surging forward with real menace.
Delivery to Vinnie Fisk!
It's a perfect touch. He's on the breakaway.
Keeper comes out--
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, I'm Sheila. Do you want a drink?
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
- Hi. Uh, sure.
Yeah. Okay. I'm Gary.
- Hi, Gary. - Hello.
- Phil.
- What can I get you?
- He'll have an old fashioned.
I will have a whiskey neat.
Thank you.
- [clears throat] I--I really like your dress.
It reminds me of, like, a picnic.
[soft music]
* *
Guilty--I am not a sports fan.
- Yeah, no, I figured.
We don't have to talk about that again.
- Hmm? Again?
- Oh, no, I didn't--
what were you saying?
- Oh, um, I grew up pretty neurotic.
- Mm-hmm.
- And not really in a warm environment.
My dad was never home. - Oh, yeah.
Why are we talking about our dead dads?
Why do we always do this?
We don't have to do this, you know.
We can, like, make new choices.
- Wow, it's a real "Sophie's Choice" out here.
* *
- Best chicken korma on the East Coast.
Henry P. Zagat himself raves, "It's a symphony for--"
- Oh.
Do you know, um, John Connor?
'Cause he's from the future.
"Give me your clothes, your boots,
and your motorcycle."
"I'm the governor." - Hmm.
- Well, that's actually not from the movie.
He just later became the governor, which was crazy.
Did you know that "Predator" has two governors in it?
Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I mean, that has to be, like,
a Snapple Fact or something, at least.
- Gary, I gotta come clean with you.
We have been doing this for almost a year now,
and things are starting to feel a little one-sided.
You know what I mean? - Um, a year?
We've, uh-- - I get it.
This night, this is just one night to you.
But for me, my entire life revolves around
this night only, nothing else.
And is it a great night?
Yeah. Is it my fault?
Yes. My choice?
Have I created this? Yes.
But God damn it, Gary, even a perfectly cooked steak
starts to tastes like shit when you eat it
all day, every day, you know?
- Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm a little confused.
- I just--I really thought we were just
so perfect for each other, but no.
I just don't know. I don't know.
I'm starting to feel stunted.
Yeah. You know?
And it's kind of my fault because I have kept us
in this whirlwind of hell over and over
and over and over of this crazy loop.
But you know, I gotta be honest with you,
it's kinda your fault too.
Yeah, a little bit.
You are so passive.
Everything has to be perfect.
You don't wanna make a mess.
You don't wanna ruffle any feathers.
It's just like, ugh!
You know, there is nowhere but down with you.
- I think I'm gonna go.
- Oh, shocker. - Yeah.
- Okay. Bye, Gary.
- Yeah. Thank you for this.
And please don't take this the wrong way,
but I think you need some help.
- Oh, no. Actually, you know what, Gary?
We need help. - No.
You need help. - We.
- There's no we in this situation.
- We. We need help. - No, it's you. It's you.
She needs help, not me, everyone at this restaurant.
- Was the meal okay? - Thank you.
- What's 25 plus 96?
- Oh, my God, really? - Here you go.
- You're gonna storm out but you're gonna
stop to pay like a good guy?
- Yeah, I'm gonna stop to pay. - You are so lame.
- I'm sorry, I don't wanna get arrested on a date.
- Oh, my. Arrested?
- Can you hurry up? - Oh, my God. You are so dumb.
- Make sure you have 25%. - Bye, Gary.
- Bye. - Please tell your friends.
- Bye! - Bye! Ugh.
- Rough night, Amit.
Can I bum a cigarette?
Oh, that beautiful case.
You're so classy.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[muffled] Thank you.
[sighs]
Love, huh?
What a muddy, sinking, swamp, shit, fire dumpster.
Am I right?
- I'm happily married. - Oh, good for you.
Your life is perfect.
- Maybe luck will change for you too one day.
- Ha. No.
See, no.
For me, nothing changes. Like, ever.
My life is just consistent, consistent shit.
Nothing ever fucking changes.
Wait. Ha!
Change. Yeah.
Amit, you brilliant, beautiful, married man.
Oh, my God, change.
I can fix him. I can change him.
This is something I can actually do.
- Oh, no. Well, no.
- Yeah. - No.
- Yeah. - You can't.
People don't really change,
and you certainly can't change people.
In my culture, we have a saying,
"You can't fit a square peg into a round hole."
- I don't think that's in your culture.
It's a universal saying.
- You can't change people.
The world doesn't work that way.
- But what is that, though, really?
I mean, those are just words, Amit.
And what are words?
Words are just, you know, thoughts
that we have that exit our mouth.
We talk too much, as a civilization, not me and you,
which I regret that we don't do this more often.
You're a really good man.
Help me a lot. Thank you.
[whirring]
[engine turns over]
[engine revving]
[Young-Holt Unlimited's "Wack Wack"]
[upbeat percussive music]
- * Wack *
* Wack wack *
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- * Wack *
* Wack wack *
* Wack *
* Wack wack *
* *
- No! [car thumps]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, come on.
Stosch makes a sloppy tackle.
- Fuck.
- And the referee's giving him the penalty.
- It's a bullshit call.
- It's amazing as it looked like a 50-50 ball--
- Phil, do you see new Gary over there?
Look at him.
- Lining up for the penalty now.
- What do you think?
Does he look different to you, or...?
Oh, yeah.
Something is different.
Really liking what I'm seeing, Phil.
Really liking it.
* Hmm, hmm, hmm *
- These two teammates practically all
on the same page. FC...
- Hello? - Hi.
Are the good guys winning, or...?
- The good guys? - Mm-hmm.
- No. [coughs]
No, the good guys are not winning.
They're actually getting their asses kicked.
- I'm sorry, so upsetting. - Yeah. I'm Gary.
Do you wanna drink? Can I buy you a drink?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- I'm Sheila.
- Okay, Sheila.
Hey, yo, guy. [whistles]
- What can I get? - IPA.
- Old fashioned, please.
- What are you doing here all alone?
You're way too beautiful to be alone in a bar.
- Oh. [laughs]
You know, I'm just picking up guys.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, yeah. Who? - You.
- Really?
- You're the only one. - Okay.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
Well, Sheila, it doesn't look like the good guys
are gonna come back anytime soon.
So what do you say we get out of here
and maybe get you some food?
- Yeah.
Right now? - Yeah. Let's go.
- Okay. - Okay.
Hey, give me my 20 back.
No, no. - Here you go. Here you go.
- Give me my 20 back.
- What are you--I just made these drinks.
- Well, I don't--
- So, you know, my dad was a traveling alcoholic, actually.
And, um, he just travelled from bar to bar
and eventually died.
- Whoa.
- Where do you wanna go?
There's a bunch of Indian restaurants over here.
- There's actually a new place over here I wanted to try.
Come on. Come on, keep up.
[soft music playing]
* *
Ahh. Isn't that cool?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
So what do you do, Miss Sheila?
- Oh, um,
I'm an executive producing assistant.
- Sounds really intense.
- Yeah. Like cancer. Um, what do you do?
- I run a small startup company.
About 25 people--for now.
- Wow. That's amazing.
- Yeah.
- Gary, are you happy?
Like in life, are you truly happy?
- Yeah.
You know, I mean, life's weird sometimes,
but you know, I'm here for the happy moments.
- Oh. I like that.
- Yeah, uh.
Thank you. Mm.
- Is that a tiny fish?
Are you supposed to eat this stuff?
- Yeah. That is the idea of dinner.
- Oh, I just thought that was glass.
It's a little confusing. - No, I think it's honeycomb.
This is one of the best restaurants in the city.
Yeah. So what do you do for fun?
Me, I like to rock climb, you know?
I don't think there's anything like
getting up on those rocks.
Yeah, I like to throw on a pair of the old spiky boots
and head down to the mountain. I don't mean to brag--
- Gary, I'm from the future.
- [laughs] Okay.
[clears throat] - No, I'm serious.
I'm completely serious. - No, no, no. I'll play along.
What brings you to the past? - You.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Started as an accident,
but then I fell in love with you.
And I started spending a lot of time with you.
365 days to be exact.
I loved everything about you.
Everything, until I didn't.
I mean, I do.
I did, but I just wanted to, you know,
I needed to, like, change a couple things,
just a couple little things to make you more perfect.
You know, make you more perfect for me, right?
'Cause that's relationships, you can't love someone
100% of the time, right?
- Yeah, sure. I guess.
Is that like from "The Bachelor" or something?
- Gary, you know how I always tell you
that the time machine in the nail salon's a dud
and only goes back 24 hours?
- No, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- Well, I was lying.
See, there's something that you should know.
- It can go anywhere in the past,
but for only 24 hours.
Then zap, you're back here. - Okay.
June, that is a fascinating story,
but I'd really like to go kill myself now.
All right? - You sure?
It's a second chance.
You can always kill yourself later.
- Okay. Let's do it.
Let's fuck up some history, huh?
- That's the spirit. - Hmm.
[whirring]
And here I am.
24 hours in the past.
- Wow.
Wow. - Mm-hmm.
- You can go back to any point in the past,
and you chose yesterday? - Mm-hmm.
- You didn't wanna go somewhere more meaningful, like,
I don't know, like, to kill Hitler?
- Well, I did take out Smithson.
- Who? - Exactly.
And Gary, I mean-- and why yesterday?
I don't know; I mean, technically speaking,
it was actually June's fault. She chose it.
And let me tell you, when I ended up 24 hours in the past,
I was like, "What the fuck, June?"
I mean, life is already shit.
I don't need a reminder of yesterday's shit, right?
I kind of preferred, like, nostalgic childhood shit,
that I could really like. But what are you gonna do?
So then I thought alcohol, and I stumbled into that bar,
and then I met you.
And everything changed.
- Right. And that was a year ago?
- Technically yesterday, but yes,
we've been doing this for an entire year--
365 days to be exact.
In fact, it's, um--
it's our anniversary, Gary.
- Hey.
Could I have the check, please?
- Happy anniversary.
Gary, thank you so much for dinner.
It was delicious.
So should we head out and find some dessert?
- Mm, I don't think so.
Are you for Gary?
- Uh, yeah. - Yeah.
Look, I actually have to be up kinda early,
and I need my rest.
But this was great.
- This never happened with old Gary.
I must have really done a number on you.
Wow. Changes I have made.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is that so? Hey. Hey.
- Oh, I thought you were-- - No, listen.
Look, not that I'm buying any of your bullshit, future girl,
but just out of curiosity, just 'cause I wanna know,
what exactly did you change about me
that was so fucking awful? - Oh, okay.
So we've spent a lot of time together,
and you've shared a lot with me, okay?
Like, I know all about your childhood,
your disappointments, the ups and downs, all the traumas.
And I've kind of, like, narrowed them down
to the moments that aided in your mental decline.
I call them the, "where things went wrong for Gary" moments.
- Oh, is that what you call them?
- Hey, dial down the sarcasm.
It's our fucking anniversary.
So anyway, I traveled back there and I fixed them.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Give me an example of one. - Fine.
[whirring]
[inquisitive music]
- Yes? - You're Gary, right?
- Mom! - [clears throat]
My name's Charlie and I just moved in across the street.
- Okay.
- May I interest you in a friendly game of catch?
- I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
- Can I tell you a little secret?
I lost my son many years ago,
in a boating accident, actually,
and it makes me very, very, very sad
and I miss him so much.
It would truly mean the world to me
if you would humor an old man and play a friendly game
of catch out in the yard.
What do you say, sport?
- Okay.
- You should watch more wrestling.
The fake kind.
- It's not fake. - It's pretty fake, kid.
A lot of people are gonna say you're wrong, Gary.
Fuck them.
- Okay.
- Oh, God. Gary, no.
- My miming's good, right?
- Gary, no. Don't do that.
People don't like mimes.
Please don't do that again.
- Hey, wait.
Just wait a second. - What?
- You were Uncle Charlie? - It was I.
- You're so fucking crazy. That's fucking crazy.
- Why?
We just played a little catch, big deal.
- Sheila, I played catch with Uncle Charlie
every Sunday afternoon for, like, three years.
- I know. Gary, what can I say?
I'm very methodical.
I went back a bunch to make a difference in your life.
You're welcome.
- How do you not see how fucked up this is?
- What? - What? I loved that guy.
I fucking loved Uncle Charlie.
He was like my dad.
- I know. That is the whole point.
- No, it's not the point.
You can't just choose for people.
You can't just do that.
You can't just put a positive influence
and pawn 'em on someone and hope it all works out.
You can't fucking do that. That's not how life works.
What else did you change?
- [stammers] Well, just a couple things.
I just deleted a few people.
You know, like your middle school bully, Patrick,
and your math teacher, Mrs. Kaiser, and Amber, duh.
- Oh, my God! - But that's all.
That's all. That's all. - Well, that's all? That's all?
- Oh, actually no, there is one more thing.
[knock at door]
- Hey, kiddo, how's it going? I heard you ordered a pizza.
- Oh, I didn't order any. - Oh, my God, Tatiana?
I lost my virginity to her. - Uh, you're welcome.
- You're unbelievable. You're un-fucking-believable.
You're fucking psychotic. - Hey, that is not fair.
I've heard you talk about your pain over and over and over,
night after night after night, and it has broken my heart.
I have this unique ability to take your pain away.
- Oh, guess what?
It's not yours to take away, Sheila.
- It came from a good place, Gary.
- Yeah, and so did gender-reveal parties.
- You know what? I don't need your
fucking attitude right now.
I'm just gonna go back and I'm gonna tweak a few things
and fix this so this didn't happen.
- Oh, well, go ahead.
Go do whatever you want. 'Cause guess what?
I'll still never wanna be with you.
- No, not true. I will reset you.
You'll remember nothing. Easy.
- Yeah. I will remember, actually.
- No, you won't remember. - Yeah. I will.
- Really? A Sharpie, Gary?
You are so dumb. - Yeah. Sheila sucks balls.
- You can't even spell.
That's not going to be there tomorrow.
Do you understand? - Fine, yeah. Maybe it won't.
Maybe I won't remember this conversation.
Maybe I won't remember this night.
Maybe I won't remember those two ladies.
But I will remember this feeling.
- Gary, I've done this hundreds of times,
and you never remember. - Oh, yeah?
Were all of our dates this shitty?
- Actually no. You used to fucking love them.
- Oh, I used to fucking love them.
I wonder what happened. Uh, I don't know. [stammers]
Do you realize you can't erase everything?
- No, it's because relationships need work, Gary.
We just have to work on it. That's all.
- Well, maybe, just maybe, you try to make things better,
but you actually make them worse.
And maybe some shit sticks.
- No, that's not how this works.
No, Gary, I will prove you wrong.
I will fucking prove you wrong.
- Good luck! - [screams]
- Personally, I think that he should feel touched
that somebody cares so deeply
to take away all the pain of his life.
- Oh, that is a really romantic gesture.
[upbeat music playing in reverse]
- Ooh. - No, it's okay.
Shh, shh. No, no. It's fine. Shh. Please understand.
- [screaming]
- [screams]
- Gary. Here's your sexy pizza, Gary.
Yeah. Okay.
- Damn it. Wait.
And then the karate instructor,
he did not put up a fight at all.
It was very surprising.
But then I came over to get you.
Little, cute Tatiana, she doesn't deserve that,
I couldn't do it.
So you know, that's why we're here.
- Hmm.
- Hello?
- Oh, maybe next year, Gary.
Shut the door.
Come on.
Cute kid.
- He will be.
[machine buzzing]
Ugh. June. Ah.
I did it. Yeah, I did it.
Or I undid it, rather. Oh.
[laughs] Oh.
Now me and Gary can go back to the way things used to be.
[laughs] - Okay.
- Mm-hmm. "Okay," what?
- In all the times that you've done this,
have things ever gone back to the way they used to be?
- Oh, God, you know, you sound like evil Gary.
RIP.
Probably is covered in black marker by now,
whining, "Oh, I have residual feelings.
And when will they ever go away?"
Shit sticks my ass.
- Well, some shit does stick.
- Come on, no. No. That is not fair.
That is not what we talked about.
Where's the fucking manual for this thing?
- Sheila, in the 300-plus times
that you've come into this shop,
have you ever once thought to ask about me?
About my life?
- No.
I've been very self-involved, and I am not proud of it.
- Okay. Well, my parents wanted a boy.
They wanted a boy so badly that when I was born,
they called me a mistake.
And then they treated me like a mistake.
- Oh, my God.
June, that's terrible. I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, so when I was old enough to fend for myself,
I murdered both of them.
- What? Really?
- No, not really, Sheila.
But I did move to Bed-Stuy
with a woman who is now my wife,
so in many ways, I did murder them.
- Oh, wow, you know, I gotta tell you,
it sounds like you handled that shit like a champ.
But hello, spoiler alert.
I have a time machine.
I could go back, talk to your parents,
remind them what a treasure you are.
They'll love you from the start.
And bam, trauma eliminated.
- Don't fuck with my trauma, Sheila.
If I didn't have these occasional moments
of complete and total worthlessness,
I wouldn't have this sparkling sense of humor.
- Okay. Wow. Cool. It's good for you.
But you know, for me, I have realized
that I can undo anything.
- No, you can't. - Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
Sometimes, people cut you,
and they leave an imprint on you
that's like a gash on your soul.
You just live with it, and you can't actually undo that.
If you erase the pain, you erase the person.
Do you get it, Sheila?
- No.
I mean, yes.
I'm just not gonna apply it to my situation.
- Why?
- Because I don't know, June.
People apply other people's lessons to their lives
all the time very willy-nilly.
And before you know it, bam, Smithson's president.
Okay? It doesn't matter.
Listen, I have a date with my favorite guy
in the whole world, old Gary. All right?
And this time, I am gonna make it work.
Hmm.
Bye.
[machine whirring] [tires screeching]
[Missy Elliott's "The Rain" (Supa Dupa Fly)"]
- * I can't stand the rain *
* Against my window *
[soft electronic music]
* Bringing back sweet memories *
* Hey, window pane *
[upbeat music]
* Do you remember *
* *
* How sweet it used to be? *
* *
* When we were together *
* *
* Everything was so grand *
- Keeper comes out--
[cheers and applause]
[rock music playing indistinctly]
* *
- Hi.
- Oh. Hello.
- I'm Sheila.
- I'm Gary.
- Ah.
It's a fine coaster set up you got going on there.
- [chuckles] Oh, it's embarrassing.
Yeah, I'm a little fucked in the head, so.
- Oh, me too.
- It's nice not to be alone.
Um.
I don't exactly know how to say this,
but I'm having, like, this really weird
déjà vu feeling,
and it's--it's really sad.
- Um.
Well, I should probably then-- I should just tell you
that I'm a time traveler
from the future,
so I knew everything you were gonna say before you said it.
- Okay.
And you'll know that I'm gonna ask--
- To dinner?
Would you like to have dinner with the time traveler?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here.
- Let's go have dinner. - Okay. All right.
[soft music]
- Anyway, my dad was a traveling alcoholic.
Traveled from bar to bar to bar until he eventually died.
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine, like, a different bar
every single night over and over again
until you're dead?
That is so sad.
There's so many options. - Yeah.
It's a real "Sophie's choice," huh?
- Ted F. on TripAdvisor raves, five stars.
"If you haven't eaten here, your life is garbage."
* *
[inaudible speaking]
- You like it? - Yeah. Hold on, hold on.
- Yeah.
* *
- You know, it's getting a little late.
[sighs] That's maybe my top three least favorite
Gary sayings of all time.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Sheila, look, I really like you a lot,
but I think you could drop the whole time travel thing now.
It was funny at first, but now it's kind of, like, enough.
- Gary, everything I've told you is true.
- Okay.
Um, look, you know, I really don't wanna believe
what you're saying, but every time I do, I--
I get, like, a weird feeling in my stomach.
- Yeah. That's the magic between us.
- No.
It's--I feel like I'm stuck, like--
like something's, like, off. - Off.
both: It doesn't doesn't feel real.
You can stop, Sheila.
Stop.
Seriously, stop.
- Tomorrow can't be that bad.
- Yes, it can. Of course, it can.
I mean, what if the time machine, you know,
what if it stopped working or it, like, disappears?
And you change your mind, you'll never see me again.
And I don't see it? - The time machine?
- Yes, the time machine. - The time machine?
You can't fucking freeze time.
- Yes, I can and I have!
- Look, tonight has been
the fucking weirdest night of my life, okay?
Sometimes, I think you're the greatest person I've ever met.
And then there's sometimes,
I wanna push you in front of a fucking train.
You know, and I didn't really know why
I felt that way until now.
It's because this is sick.
Okay? And you need to let me go.
- No. - Yes.
- No. - Please.
- I can't. I'm so sorry.
I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.
I'm sorry. I can't. - Okay. Okay, you know what?
Maybe I go back in time
and I stop you... - What?
- From ever becoming obsessed with this night
in the first place. - No.
No, no, no, no. You can't do that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Maybe I will. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Maybe I might. Maybe I might.
Maybe I'll go back to, I know where it is now,
it's at the nail salon, right?
Maybe I pay our old friend, is it June?
I'd pay her a visit. - No, you wouldn't do that.
No, no, no. You can't do that.
- Look, I don't know what fuck the is going on,
but I do know that I can't--I can't do this.
This is not--this is not right.
I'm really sorry, Sheila.
Yeah, I'm really sorry.
- You don't understand.
You saved me.
This whole night saved me.
I'm so scared.
Gary, it could be the only thing
that ever makes me happy.
Do you understand that?
- Okay, fine.
- What?
- Fine, we'll--
we'll try it your way.
- What do you mean? What do you mean?
- Let's just, uh,
let's just try again tomorrow.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Who knows? Maybe tomorrow we get it right?
So I'll see you tomorrow.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
[suspenseful music]
* *
- Good evening. You must be Gary.
- Jesus Christ, does everybody know my name?
Oh. - What can I do for you, Gary?
You want a midnight pedicure? - No. Um.
[sighs] I'm not exactly sure how to say this.
Are you June by chance? - Huh?
- 'Cause, uh, I'm here about Sheila.
- Who? - [clears throat]
- Sheila, the time-traveling lady.
- Sheila...
- She told me that she comes here, goes back in time.
Ah, fuck. Was she fucking with me?
She was fucking with me, wasn't she?
Yeah, why would I believe that?
Every time a hot girl... [mutters indistinctly]
- Relax, Gary.
- What? - I know who Sheila is.
You probably wanna see the time machine.
- Yes, I wanna fucking go see the time machine, yes.
- Okay.
- I wanna prevent this night from ever happening.
This?
This is the source of all my problems?
- Yeah.
But sounds like you had a pretty sweet night last night.
- Yeah, over and over and over again,
like I'm in some sort of fucked-up
permanent purgatory hell.
- So like love?
- No, not at all.
She keeps making me do the same thing.
And what's weird about it is, I like her.
- Oh, so like a relationship?
- No, not like a relationship at all.
I get emotionally involved and then somehow get hurt,
and I don't even know how many times she's done it.
- So like love?
- No, 'cause love is-- love is real.
This is not. This is very fake.
This is orchestrated. This is inorganic.
- You ever had an organic banana?
It tastes just like a regular banana.
- Okay. What?
I don't know what that means, but can we do this please?
- Do you know where you're going?
- Yeah, I am going back in time to where it all started.
Wait, which is when? When would that be?
- Um, 1999? - All right. Cool.
Wait, that doesn't sound right. Wait, June.
Wait, I'm a little claustrophobic.
June. Oh, no. June, I gotta piss.
Can I piss back in the future?
600, Apartment 1K.
Here we fucking go.
- Yeah?
- Hey. - Come on in. You're late.
- What? - Gary?
- Yeah.
Oh, she's too young. I came back too far.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I gotta go.
- All right, you weirdo. TV's right there.
- T--
oh, right, the TV.
- Awesome.
Sheila, don't you bother this man while he's working.
Mommy's gotta get pretty.
- Oh, I'm supposed to come back to when you're like 16 or 17
so I can, you know, catch you when you were
developing your crazy and maybe help you out,
but you're way too young,
and now I have to yell at a little kid
and traumatize people.
Fuck.
- And watch out for my daughter.
She can be quite dramatic.
She got that from her father, obviously.
- That doesn't-- that's not gonna work
no matter how hard you-- - Hey, guy!
[hair dryer whirring] What's going out there?
Honey, [indistinct].
- Please. - Nobody wants to hear it.
- You're a little girl.
- Sheila, where did you put Mommy's eyeliner?
- [crying] - Hey.
Hey, please don't cry.
- Sheila, for the love of God.
Sheila, quit making all that noise!
Sheila!
- Hey. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- [crying] - Hey, hey, hey.
It's okay.
Hey, can you repeat after me?
Okay? It's okay.
- It's okay.
- For things to be messy sometimes.
- Okay. It's okay.
[gentle music]
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's always gonna be okay.
I don't know how you did it, but you got it in there.
- God damn it, I'm running late.
Is it fixed?
- Yeah. Working on it.
What is up with your mother?
She never stops.
Okay.
Did that make you feel a little better?
Mm-hmm?
* *
- June. Hi.
Hey, I just wanted to come thank you
for the last few months, or years.
I don't know how long it's been, but, um,
I've been thinking a lot about giving up control,
you know, and I realize that that's just not me.
I can't do that.
So this is me saying thank you, and goodbye.
That's a good color. That's my favorite color.
That's a good one.
* *
Sorry, just one more thing.
June, you would've made a great man,
but you make an even better woman.
And I just want you to know
that it has been an honor to know you
and all your perfect, perfect weirdness.
You are perfect.
And you are not a mistake.
Goodbye.
* *
[machine whirring]
- Hey, June, I think I fixed everything.
I think I fixed her.
It turns out she just had, like, a, you know,
crappy '80s mom.
- Um, yeah.
I don't think you fixed her.
You did just miss her, though.
And she didn't sound so good,
so you should probably go after her.
- Your time machine sucks. It's so confusing.
[apprehensive music]
* *
- Hi. - Huh?
- Here.
Here's my gym card, SuperLotto.
I hope you win.
Just take that too.
Good luck to you.
* *
- Hey.
Hey, wait!
Wait! Sheila, wait.
- Gary, what are you doing here?
- Please, just wait. - Go home.
What are you doing? Stop.
- Hey. Hey. - Gary. Gary.
- Hey, look at me.
Hey.
It's okay for things to be messy sometimes.
Okay? Remember?
- Yes, that's very nice.
That doesn't work on me anymore.
Like everything in my life, it has lost all meaning,
and I would just really like for today to be--
- Hey, relax.
Relax. Relax.
We'll just wait for tomorrow.
We will wait. It's almost tomorrow.
- Gary, fuck tomorrow. - Don't you fucking say that.
- Oh, my God. - Sheila, come on.
- There is not a future that I want to be part of.
Please understand that, okay?
This world is such a fucked up place,
and I had, like, a thousand chances to make today okay,
and I fucked every single one of them up,
and I don't want that to happen tomorrow.
So why am I gonna stay for tomorrow?
Please go home.
Please go home and just live your life
and let me end mine the way I would like to.
- Not a chance. Not a chance. - Oh, my God, Gary.
- No. - Go home.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Go home! - I'm not going anywhere!
I'll stay here all night.
I don't give a fuck.
- You cannot stand here for the rest of your life, okay?
Eventually, you have to go take a piss or order a sandwich.
And I'm still gonna jump off this bridge.
So please get the fuck out of my face.
- What if I told you that I saw the future?
- This isn't a game anymore, Gary.
This isn't funny anymore. Stop.
- I'm not joking. I saw the future.
- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.
June figured out how to send it to the future.
She just switched the knob to the F button.
Look, the point is, is that I saw it,
and it's fucking great.
- Okay, now I know you're lying.
- All right. Maybe it's not great, okay?
Maybe it's a little messy, but who the fuck cares?
It's a mess worth being around for.
- Gary, if you saw the future,
you would know that I'm not in it.
- That's the thing. You are in it.
- No, I'm not. - And guess what?
You're not jumping off of this bridge.
- Gary, I promise you I am jumping off this bridge.
- No, you aren't! - Yes, I am!
- You're actually gonna go to the other side.
Haven't you ever wondered what's on the other side?
It's fucking right there.
- What's on the other side?
You haven't seen the future.
- You want me to prove it to you?
- You can't.
- I can give you proof.
- Bye, Gary.
- Nope.
I'll see you on the other side, Sheila.
[somber music]
* *
[Damien Jurado's "The Shape of a Storm"]
[soft acoustic guitar music]
* *
- * If I showed up *
* *
* In the shape of a storm *
* *
* Would you recognize me? *
* *
* Strange as it seems *
* I have known you before *
* *
* But it was not our time yet *
* *
* If I go sailing *
* Into the unknown *
* *
* What are my chances *
* Of ever reaching your shore? *
* *
- So where do you live? - I live right there.
- Right, I knew that because I saw your future.
- Future.
- Yeah.
I, uh, I gotta ask you something.
- What?
- Since you've been traveling over and over
and over again, have we ever, on one of these times,
ever, you know?
- Gary, come on. It's only been one night.
- But did we, though?
- Gary, you're kind of smothering me.
- Oh, come on.
[both speaking indistinctly]
[Biig Piig's "Feels Right"]
- * Outside, my guy is tryna find a little spare time *
* Unwind with me a little *
* I've got red wine, no lie *
* And since there's two of us *
[soft up-tempo music]
* Let's put the tunes on up loud *
* I wanna see what you make me do and how *
* I know you think it may be too soon *
* Come around and show me what you've got *
* *
* I heard you wanna be *
* In the driver's seat, so keep up *
* *
* And do you promise me that you'll honor me? *
* Don't give up *
* 'Cause it feels right *
* And if I follow you *
* I know that I should hesitate *
* But it feels right *
* And just the thought of you gives me the taste *
* I know I'll crave *
* But it feels right *
* And if I follow you *
* I know that I should hesitate *
* But it feels right *
* And just the thought of you *
* Gives me the taste... *
both: Cheers, mate.
- Wow, it's a real "Sophie's Choice" out here.
- Can I get the chicken korma, please?
It's really, really good. And two glasses of the cab.
Do you wanna order, too, Gary?
- What? - Are you gonna order?
- Caramel, cinnamon, and regret drizzled
on top of breast milk-flavored ice cream and fresh cut grass.
- Mmm. - The cones are inedible.
Don't eat them.
- Oh! - I'm sorry. Oh.
- Oh, it's okay. - Oh, no.
- Bye, Gary. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Thirsty? - Yeah. I wanna hit that, Phil.
I wanna hit that real hard. Happy?
- What can I get you?
both: Old fashioned.
- How adorable.
- I'm Sheila. - Hi, Sheila. I'm Gary.
- We have old-timey names.
- We do. - Mm-hmm.
- Locally sourced Sour Patch Kids roughly shaved
onto a bed of whimsical romaine lettuce-flavored gelato.
- All right.
- Two.
- Wow.
* *
It's kind of peaceful to just--
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Great job, sir.
- Cheers to you. - To you.
And put money in your hat. - Mm-hmm.
[both shriek] - Oh, fucking Jesus Christ!
What made you wanna go back, like, in time?
- Vacation. - Hmm.
You went on vacation so you could hang with me?
- Well, I just kinda popped into this bar,
and you were the only one not watching sports on TV.
- Ah. - Yeah.
Not really a sports fan? - No.
both: Rare breed.
- Emulsified donuts and forgotten
birthday cake pieces drizzled on top of a black void
with vanilla swirls.
- Did you know I was married once?
- Get out of here. Just once? - Uh-huh.
It was just once, but it was five very long years.
- Oh, I'm sorry. What made you wanna get out?
- Aw. You're very sweet.
He wanted to get out. He left me.
- Why?
Who is--who would ever leave you?
Well, I'm in a similar situation.
I just got out of a pretty long year relationship
with a girl named Amber.
- For fuck's sake, Gary, nothing good
comes from a girl named Amber.
both: Old fashioned.
- How adorable.
- Okay, two old fashioneds, and you can fuck off, Phil.
- Wait, what? - Oh, nothing.
- Organic red velvet pieces crushed into a bed
of lost feelings, hopes, and dreams
drizzled with tears.
- Mmm.
[patrons cheering]
Yeah, feeling real thirsty,
but not for your side commentary.
I'm pretty quenched on that account, okay?
- So I gotta ask, you know John Connor?
"The Terminator".
He's from the future.
You know, Michael Biehn was in that movie,
and--and then--and nothing.
- It's all just, like, a big joke to you, isn't it?
You just don't take any of this seriously. It's fine.
- I'm pretty neurotic.
I, like, develop these coping mechanisms,
you know, to keep myself sane.
I wasn't, like, murdering people.
- Oh, good. - You?
There's a lot of choices over there.
- There are. Ooh, let's go to this one.
Hi, Amit.
- So do you wanna tell me about the future?
- What's the point? You never believe me anyways.
- The point is, it's interesting.
- Mm.
- So I have a cat.
I'm allergic to them, so I had to get
one of those shaved ones.
both: Cheers, mate. - They're called a sphynx.
But it's weird.
If you put them up next to my grandfather,
you kinda can't tell the difference.
- You're not even gonna remember this,
and it just makes me so, so, so sad, Gary, you know?
The future is fucked.
Let's liven it up in here. This place sucks.
Hey, Susan.
Are you mad at me? - Mm-mm.
- Are you mad at me? - Mm-mm.
- I'm so sorry. - Mm-hmm.
- I am so sorry. - Mm-mm.
- I see years together--Amit, I'm trying to talk here.
What do you see, Gary? - Um.
- You don't see it-- you don't see it, Gary?
- No, I see it. Two little kids.
No, it's fine. Two kids and a dog and--
- Oh, my God, Gary. No, you're just saying that.
- It's okay.
- [wailing]
Gary!
- I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I haven't done this in a long time,
and I'm having a lot of fun, so.
- [laughs] It's okay, I get you.
Lucky for you, my mouth speaks before my brain
tells it to, so no guesswork.
- I know. I really like that.
- [laughs] You like it now,
but give it a while, you might get tired of it.
- No, I won't.
[soft romantic music]
* *