-Oh, oh, oh, oh. [laughs] -[grunting]
[grunts, sighs]
[theme song whistling]
[Greg narrating] What's great about having an older brother
is that they can teach you stuff,
because they've gone through all of it before you.
[students cheer]
At least that's the way it's supposed to be.
[snoring]
But my brother Rodrick's too busy to teach his little brother anything.
I guess I'm just not a big priority for him
because all his free time just goes to his band.
The thing is, if Rodrick would just take me under his wing,
I could totally surprise him.
And that would really change things for us.
[crowd cheers]
But I guess that's just not gonna happen.
And before long, Rodrick will move out,
and I'll have to figure things out for myself.
[coughs]
[both snoring]
But as long as the two of us are living under the same roof,
I'm gonna soak up every bit of big brother knowledge I can get.
[theme song ends]
[video game beeping on television]
[announcer on TV] Player has received Hammer of Ultimate Smashing!
Smash, smash…
Ooh. Ready, aim, fire!
Manny!
Aw.
Boys, the stuff in the dishwasher is clean.
You just need to put the dishes away before we get back.
Okay, yeah. I got your hair dryer and my belt.
Um, was that-- Was-- [stammers] Am I forgetting something?
Your pants?
Right. My pants.
Wait. Where are you guys going again?
Your father and I are going into the city for our anniversary.
You're going away? Like, overnight?
Two nights, Greg.
Come on, Greg. We've been over this a hundred times.
But-- But how are we gonna take care of ourselves?
What about Manny?
-[mom] Manny's staying with Gramma. -[grunts] Hey!
And you boys will be just fine. I stocked up on groceries.
-Groceries? -[both gasp]
Did you get snacks?
-[grunting] -I refuse to buy junk food for you guys.
I've told you before, if you want snacks, you can buy them for yourselves.
Mommy, gimme!
Ugh, fine.
[paper rustling]
-[both groan] -[Rodrick] I'm cashing these in.
250 Mom Bucks for 25 real ones.
"Mom Bucks"?
Oh. [chuckles] Yes, Frank.
The boys earn them by doing chores and getting good grades.
Wait. Then how did Rodrick get so many?
Mind your own business.
-[groans] Yuck. -Rodrick should be earning real money,
not play money with, you know, like, a real job.
When Löded Diper makes it big, money won't be an issue.
Okay. And what if, just saying, just putting it out there,
what if your band doesn't make it big? What's your plan then?
I'll sell my hair for wigs and fake mustaches and stuff.
Well, that sounds foolproof.
[grunting]
Okay, time to go! We've got dinner reservations.
-See you boys Sunday! -Whoo! [laughs]
Mom!
Now, we are trusting you to be responsible this weekend.
I don't want you doing anything I wouldn't do. Got it?
Frank, we talked about this.
I-I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page.
We good here?
Okay? Okay, we're good.
You can't leave me and Rodrick alone together for a whole weekend.
Mom, we literally don't even know how to take care of ourselves!
-Oh, come on, Greg. You two will have fun. -[giggling, grunting]
Play some video games together. Throw a ball in the backyard.
[snoring]
Do you even know Rodrick?
Listen, I know that you and your brother don't always get along,
but a weekend like this can help change that.
-[grunts] Yeah! -[Greg] Ow!
[horn honks]
Who knows? You two might surprise yourselves.
[car door closes]
Don't forget to unload the dishwasher!
[groans]
-Whoa! -All right, Greg.
We've got one hour to get this place ready.
Ready for what?
The party.
What? No way! Mom and Dad would never let you have a party!
They'll never even know, and it's not my party anyway.
It's our party.
Whoa. What do you mean "our party"?
The Heffley brothers are throwing this party together.
The Heffley brothers?
That's right. You and me, together.
People will be talking about this night for years.
It's gonna be epic.
Epic.
So, what do you say? Are you in?
Okay, I'm in.
But who's coming to this thing?
I invite my friends. You invite yours.
W-Wait. Y-You do have friends, right?
Yeah, I have lots of friends! There's Rowley, and there's Rowley.
Well, then, why don't you call this "Rowley"
and have him come over to help set up?
I don't know. I'm not sure Rowley could really handle a high school party.
Plus, his parents would never let him come.
So, you have him tell them it's a sleepover.
Come on, we need all the help we can get.
Oh. That's pretty good.
And when he gets here, you guys can start by bringing up one of those plastic tables
from the basement.
Wait. Why can't you do that?
Because…
I can't do this without your help.
And besides, I'm going to get snacks.
Whoa! How do you have so many friends?
It's called popularity. You should try it.
All right. The clock starts… now.
Now.
["Neighbourhood Brats" playing]
♪ The mutant offspring Of council house schemes ♪
♪ The dreaded nightmare Of town planners' dreams ♪
-[phone dings] -Whoa! Party at Rodrick's, dude!
-Yeah! -[laughs] Yeah!
-…totally got their nose rings locked. -[phone dings, buzzes]
Whoa! Rager at Rodrick's!
-[laughs] Yes! -It's gonna be awesome!
-[phone dings] -Whoa!
[groans, grunts]
Party!
♪ The mutant offspring Of council house schemes ♪
[doorbell rings]
-[music stops] -[record scratches]
Hey, Greg! It's party time!
[Greg] No, no, no!
[blows party horn]
Whoa! Rowley, what are you wearing?
You said this was a party.
Not that kind of party.
A cool party with, like, high schoolers, and loud music and stuff.
You mean a boy-girl party?
Rowley, don't call it a boy-girl party.
Why? Is it gonna be guys only? 'Cause that could be fun too.
No, just call it a party, okay?
And seriously, don't embarrass me tonight.
It's just that me and Rodrick never team up like this,
and I really don't want anything to mess it up.
-Okay? -Okay.
[door opens]
All right. You boys got your work cut out for ya.
Get to it.
["Neighbourhood Brats" resumes]
♪ You blame the teachers The troubles at home ♪
♪ You blame the parents Where did we go wrong? ♪
[shouts]
[laughs]
♪ The dreaded nightmare Of town planners' dreams ♪
♪ Neighborhood brats ♪
Ugh.
♪ The mutant offspring Of council house schemes ♪
♪ The dreaded nightmare Of town planners' dreams ♪
♪ Neighborhood brats ♪
-[screams] -[laughs]
Go! Go, go, go, go!
♪ Folks step aside When they pass ♪
-[groans] -Ow!
Hmm. Good job, guys.
Huh. You know what, though? We could use one more of those tables.
We're on it.
Do we have to do this? The first table was heavy.
Everything's gotta be perfect! Rodrick's, like, an expert at this stuff.
But it seems like he's just getting us to do all the hard stuff.
You don't get it, Rowley. Rodrick's depending on me.
Our party's gonna be… epic.
[whistles]
Um. [gulps]
[gasps]
Whoa.
-[cackles] -[screams]
[mike feedback]
I don't think we should be in Rodrick's bedroom.
Relax, we're just in here for the table.
[Rowley] Do you think there will be party games,
like charades or pin the tail on the donkey?
-[amplifier sounds] -[cymbals clatter]
It's not that kind of thing, Rowley.
High-school parties are totally different than little-kid parties.
How do you know?
I just know stuff.
Listen, we're gonna be the only middle schoolers at this thing.
We've gotta blend in. Just try and be cool, okay?
But pin the tail on the donkey is cool.
Wait, what?
"See you after the party."
Oh, no.
What's going on? Is it stuck?
It's not stuck! I think Rodrick locked the door.
But why would he do that?
What about the party? What about the Heffley brothers?
It was, uh, probably just a joke.
[grunting] Rodrick? Rodrick!
-[loud music playing] -[knocking]
Rodrick!
-[pounding] -[glass breaking]
Rodrick!
[increases music volume]
Rodrick!
[teenagers cheering]
[grunts]
Rodrick!
Is he coming?
Just wait here, okay?
But I have tap-dancing lessons in the morning.
I was sick last week,
and if I miss two in a row, Miss Tilly's gonna be mad.
Relax, Rowley. I've got everything under control.
Hmm.
I'm scared. What if we starve down here?
-My celery sticks are in my overnight bag. -[screams]
Can you please stop talking for five seconds? I need to concentrate.
What's going on out there? Are they… partying?
[Greg] I think I can reach the lock. [grunting]
[Rowley grunts] Ow!
[sighs]
Can you reach it?
No.
But I've got an idea. Wait here.
[rock music playing]
Let's get this party started!
[cheering, laughing]
-Whoo! -[teenager] Nice brain bucket.
And I was like, "Underwear goes under your pants, bro."
Ew!
Whoa.
-Whoa. -[blows]
Move.
[gasps]
[shutter clicks]
[Rowley] What's that for?
[Greg] Evidence.
Whoa.
-[camera shutter clicking] -[teenagers] Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
[teenager] He actually did it!
Yeah! [laughs]
Whoa!
Huh? What--
[birds chirping]
[both snoring]
[sniffs]
[grunts]
[snoring]
[both] Whoa!
-[grunts] -Ow!
What?
-[all snoring] -Ew!
[gasps]
[stammers] I think I'd better go home.
Yeah, that might be a good idea.
[door closes]
[groans]
[sighs]
♪ Never gonna give you up ♪
-[gasps] -[gasps]
♪ Never gonna run around And desert you ♪
[groans] Dude.
Not cool, dude.
♪ Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie ♪
-Not cool. -[thud]
♪ And hurt you ♪
-[music playing muffled] -[teenager 1] My head.
-[teenager 2] This sucks. -[Bill] Not cool.
[Rodrick groans]
[music stops]
[groans] What's your problem, man?
It's not even, like, afternoon yet.
You locked me in the basement!
Yeah, like, as a joke.
[laughs] Well, the joke's on you, because when Mom and Dad get home tomorrow,
I'm gonna tell them all about your little party.
You wouldn't have the guts.
[phone rings, buzzes]
Hey, Mom. How is the trip going?
Well-- Well, it was going great until Manny got a stomach bug.
We're headed to Gramma's to pick him up.
Wait. You're coming home today?
-Yes, Rodrick. -[Frank] Got it.
We should be home in an hour.
Did you boys empty the dishwasher like I asked?
[Frank] You gotta be kidding me.
Not yet.
[Mom] Well, it had better be done by the time we're back.
No problem. See you soon.
[phone beeps]
Okay, you heard her. We've got one hour to clean up this whole mess.
Not my problem. I'll be in my room.
Dude!
Mom and Dad are gonna go ballistic if they find out I had a party!
Please, you've gotta help me.
And why would I do that?
[clock ticking]
Because we're brothers.
Yeah, well, brothers don't lock each other in the basement.
Okay, okay. I slipped up. Won't happen again, I swear.
Please!
If I help you clean up this mess, things are gonna be different between us.
Different? Like how?
For starters, you're gonna start treating me better, like an equal.
Okay, okay. Done. Equals. Got it.
And you're gonna owe me.
Owe you what?
I'm-- I'm-- I'm thinking.
Dude, we've got no time!
Okay. Yeah, I owe you. Can we just work out the details later?
[sighs] Fine.
All right, my man! Let's do this.
And go!
[grunts]
[toilet bubbling]
[Greg grunts]
-What? -Hmm.
-[Rodrick yells]
Gonna blow chunks!
Don't worry, Manny. We'll be home in a jiffy.
[dry retches]
Honey, better step on it.
-[engine revs] -[Manny] Whoa!
[yells]
-[groans, gags] -[stomach rumbles]
I am taking the shortcut!
[Manny] Whoa! [shouting]
Manny!
Huh? What?
[screams] Whoa!
Ouch!
[gags]
-[Rodrick tuts] -[Greg screams]
[yelps]
-[Frank] Whoa, whoa, whoa. -[mom screaming]
[both scream]
Mission accomplished, little bro.
[door closing]
[car approaches]
[both screaming]
It's permanent ink! This is never coming off!
Um-- [gasps]
We need another door!
Another door? Where are we gonna get another door?
[gasps] The basement! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[groans]
Oh, let's hurry up and get you inside.
[grunts] Quit pushing!
Quit pulling! Push!
I said pull!
Ow!
[groans]
Come on, Frank.
Boys?
We're home!
Oh. Hey, Mom!
So, did you guys do some brotherly bonding while we were gone?
Uh, kinda, I guess.
Rodrick, y-you're sweating!
Oh, I hope you don't have what Manny has.
[Frank] I knew it, Susan!
I knew they couldn't be trusted!
They didn't empty the dishwasher.
[Manny gags, vomits]
-[Frank] Oh, that's gross. -[Manny] Manny all better!
[sighs]
[chuckling]
[phone beeping]
[laughing] Oh.
Oh, man!
Hmm.
[sniffs] There's gotta be evidence. They're not that smart.
Aha!
[groans]
[laughs]
[screams]
[chuckles]
You think he knows? I-- I think he knows!
Shh! Keep your voice down, dummy.
If he doesn't know, he's gonna figure it out.
I mean, he's been sniffing around the house ever since he got back.
He's gonna find something.
You need to calm down. We covered our tracks. We cleaned up the place.
Yeah, and you owe me for that.
And you can start paying me back by finishing with these leaves!
Wait, wait, wait. What-- What is this about owing you?
I don't remember saying anything like that.
Are you kidding me? I cleaned up your stupid party, and that wasn't easy!
Don't you mean our party? We were partners in this thing.
That mess was our mess,
and if Mom and Dad ever find out about it, we're both in hot water.
No way! This was your party!
You're the one who's getting in trouble, not me!
I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad what really happened.
Fine, fine. I'll pay up.
Yeah? And how are you gonna do that?
By giving you my most valuable possession.
What? Mom Bucks?
No, thanks. I've seen where you keep them.
Something even better than that. Knowledge.
[scoffs] I've seen your report card.
Not school knowledge. Real knowledge. Stuff you can actually use.
I'm listening.
I'll give you a little taste.
Let's start with the way you bag your leaves.
When you do it, you fill your bag to the top and then tie it shut.
But that's not smart.
Mom's paying three Mom Bucks a bag.
So, if you wanna maximize your income, you've gotta do it like this.
But isn't that cheating?
It's not cheating. It's just gaming the system.
So, what? You're just gonna give me a bunch of yard work tips?
I can teach you lots of things, little brother.
Stuff that'll make your whole life easier.
Your problem is that you work too hard.
I want that underwear off the table
by the time I get back from the grocery store.
-[door closes] -[Rodrick] What you do is set the bar low,
so Mom and Dad don't expect too much out of you.
Because then…
Wha--
[Rodrick] …they're happy when you do practically nothing at all.
Here's another tip.
Pretend you don't know how to do stuff,
because that'll get you out of a lot of unnecessary work.
[sighs] H…
H… Hmm.
I'll just do it, okay?
[typing]
[Rodrick] And if you really don't feel like doing something,
a well-timed trip to the bathroom is always your ticket out.
I'm ready to start!
I just finished.
My body is on a schedule.
[groans]
Okay, I'll admit it. That's-- That's pretty good.
What else can you teach me?
Oh, I've got loads of stuff like that. I call it my Rodrick Rules.
Don't you mean "Rodrick's Rules"?
No, Rodrick Rules. There's only one Rodrick, me.
[sighs] Yeah.
I meant, like, apostrophe S.
Rodrick Rule number one. No apostrophes or any other nerd stuff.
That kinda stuff will get you beat up at school.
So, what's rule number two?
Uh, I've already given away too much.
If you want more, we're gonna have to make this deal official.
You keep your mouth shut about the party, and I'll tell you everything I know.
Deal.
Greg, Rowley's here! Time to go!
Hello, Rowley. Don't you look handsome?
[gulps]
Um, this weekend I had tap-dancing lessons with Miss Tilly. [chuckles]
Uh, nothing out of the ordinary happened.
[chuckling]
-[parents gasp] -Whoa. Hey, Rowley!
It's been a while. Friday afternoon, right?
Yeah, we--
-Whoa! So clean. -Uh… [chuckles]
Yeah, yeah. Time to go, Rowley! Time-- Time to go. Get out.
Come on, Rowley. Two more seconds in there,
and you were gonna spill your guts about the whole party.
Sorry, I'm not good at this stuff.
You don't think my dad heard you back there, right?
'Cause he's been acting really suspicious.
How did you get the house so clean, though?
Um, me and Rodrick actually did it together.
I told you, me and him are a team.
[shouts] You and Rodrick? But he locked us in the basement!
Uh, yeah. Brothers just joke like that. [chuckles]
It's actually pretty hilarious if you really think about it.
Don't look at me like that.
Anyway, yeah, Rodrick's been, uh-- He's been taking me under his wing.
He's been teaching me a bunch of stuff.
Really? What kind of stuff?
Uh, like, how you need to set the bar low,
so your parents don't expect too much from you.
Oh, and how you can trick them into helping you with your homework.
That kind of thing.
That seems like bad stuff.
This information is like gold, Rowley!
It's what makes having an older brother worth it.
But why is Rodrick being so nice to you all of a sudden?
I don't know. Maybe 'cause he just likes having me around.
You know what? You wouldn't understand. You're an only child.
No offense.
Well, I'm glad I'm an only child. 'Cause this brother stuff is complicated.
["Requiem in D Minor Lacrimosa" playing]
[song stops]
[continues playing drums]
Rodrick!
What?
You need to teach me something new. You never got past rule number one.
You only get one rule a week. That's Rodrick Rule number two.
[rim shot]
What? That's not fair.
Life's not fair.
Rule number three. And now you made me break rule number two.
[sighs] Fine.
Ow! What the--
I've been looking for that.
What is this?
It's an echo pedal. We need it…
[echoes, singing] …for the talent show.
Oh, yeah, the talent show. I'm trying out too.
You? You don't have any talent.
Yeah, I'm in Rowley's magic act.
I'm his…
assistant.
[scoffs]
[laughs] Man, they're-- they're gonna laugh you off the stage.
Yeah, I know. Mom's making me.
Hey, do you think you can get me out of this?
[laughs] Sorry, you c-- You can't leave your friends hanging.
Rodrick Rule number four.
All right, enough with the rules. How about you teach me something for real?
Like what?
I don't know.
Maybe you could teach me how to play the drums or something.
[snickers] Are you sure you could handle that, little brother?
-Yeah! -All right.
It's simple.
You just gotta grip the sticks, feel the flow, and let it rip.
Okay, now loosen up that wrist a bit. Keep it flowing. Feel the rhythm.
That-- Th-That's it! [laughs] You've got potential, little bro.
-[door opens] -[gasps]
Are you ready to rock?
[Greg narrating] Bill Walter is the lead singer of Löded Diper,
even though he's something like 35 years old.
I'm pretty sure Rodrick asked him to join
because he got named "Most Likely to Be a Rock Star"
when he was in high school.
[laughs]
Beat it, kid. Grown-ups are talking here.
Nah, that-- That's all right. He can stay. He's cool.
Whatever you say, dude.
You ready to burn this place down?
We are Löded Diper!
One, two, three, four!
[rock music playing]
[Bill] ♪ All right ♪
[screams]
-[music continues] -[groans]
-♪ So, he sent us underground ♪ -Huh?
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You never listened ♪
[vocalizes]
[babbling]
Isn't setting the table Greg's job?
He's hanging out with his brother in the basement.
I didn't want to interrupt their "together time."
Listen, I-- [stammers]
Do you think it's a good idea that those guys are spending so much time together?
Why wouldn't it be a good idea?
It's just that-- [stammers] Well, I mean--
Look, who knows what kind of stuff Rodrick is teaching Greg?
-[music stops] -[Rodrick] Somebody farted!
-[all coughing] -[Greg groans]
Ew, gross.
[all laughing]
-[echoes] Somebody farted! -[all laughing]
I rest my case.
The boys are bonding, Frank.
Isn't that what we want to happen?
Look, sometimes my older brother, Joe, would string me along,
and then I'd get burned.
Greg needs to protect himself.
Because if Rodrick pulls the rug out from under him, he's gonna get hurt.
We can't police every interaction between these boys, Frank.
They need to work things out on their own.
[sighs] Maybe you're right. But I just-- I--
Now why don't you just take off that tie, and try and relax a little?
[clears throat] I'll, uh, go get washed up for dinner.
[music resumes]
[handle jiggles]
Hey! Didn't this door used to lock?
So, you guys are telling us
that you have no idea why the bathroom door suddenly doesn't lock?
Wait. We have a bathroom on this floor?
[sighs] I feel like there's something the boys aren't telling us.
Greg, would you like to say something?
Um…
Actually, something did happen on Friday night.
Something I should've told you about.
[groans]
I went in the bathroom, and I tried to lock the door.
But I couldn't.
I think I must have broken it by shutting it too hard or something.
Sorry.
[sighs]
Okay. Mystery solved. Let's move on.
[whispers] Nice save.
Boys, your father and I are taking another shot at celebrating our anniversary
since our first attempt got cut short.
You're going away this weekend?
Yes, but don't worry.
You see, we're not gonna leave you two on your own again.
Why? Who's coming over?
You two boys are gonna visit your grandpa.
Wait. At Leisure Towers? But there's nothing to do there.
Oh, there's plenty to do at Grandpa's complex.
Shuffleboard, bingo, the pool.
[singsongy] And you know how much my dad loves board games!
Board games?
Come on, guys.
You know Grandpa appreciates it when you spend time with him.
-But-- [sighs] -Mom's right, Greg.
It's been way too long since we paid Grandpa a visit.
This-- This is gonna be great.
Okay, guys. Better get packed.
Greg, I'll help you.
-Rodrick? -Yeah?
Good role modeling.
Well, I try.
Ready, set, go!
Whoo-hoo! Whee!
-[crashes] -Aha!
-[snores] -[groans]
-[elevator bell dings] -Ooh. Hey!
[squeaking]
[elevator bell dings]
Dagnabbit!
Okay, boys! This is Gutbusters!
One player reads a card, and the other players try not to laugh.
Them's the rules!
-That sounds so fun! -[sighs]
-Roll the dice, Grandpa! -[dice rattling]
[Grandpa] Ha! Snake eyes!
It's your turn to read, Greg.
[groans] "A man who would pun, would just as easily pick a pocket."
[both snickering]
Huh? I don't get it.
-[Rodrick laughs] -[Grandpa laughs]
Come on, Rodrick!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[laughing] I'm sorry, I-- I-- I-I-I couldn't help it.
[laughing] That one gets me every time.
[exhales] All right, boys.
Now, why don't you clean up this mess while I take a potty break?
Okay, Grandpa. But don't take too long in there.
I can't believe you agreed to coming here.
Why didn't you at least try to get us out of it?
Can't talk. Concentrating.
Rodrick, what are you doing?
Isn't one game enough?
You think I'm here to play games?
Are those Mom Bucks?
Millions of dollars worth.
[sniffs]
That's amazing. Wow!
So, this is why you wanted to come to Leisure Towers.
Bingo. Now you're starting to get it.
Come on. Let's split it up.
-Ah! Da, da, da, da! Not so fast. -[grunts]
Go find your own supply.
Come on, Rodrick. You owe me.
[groans] Fine, here's a hundred. Don't spend it all in one place.
Now, why don't you go change? You look like you wet yourself.
I can't. Grandpa's in the bathroom.
Then use the one in the lobby.
[Greg narrating] I've gotta hand it to Rodrick on this Mom Bucks thing.
Every time I think I've figured him all out,
he surprises me with something new.
It's pea soup again tonight, I hear.
That sounds pretty good to me.
[shoes squeaking]
Huh?
[both gasp]
[elderly person] Oh, my.
[groans]
[chuckles]
[grunting]
[elderly person] Hi, Merle! Going to bingo tonight?
[Merle] I wouldn't miss it for the world.
[elderly person] Well, you can kiss your winning streak goodbye.
I'm bringing a good luck charm with me.
-[squeaks] -Oh! Isn't he cute?
Merle, Irene, bingo tonight?
Ha! We'll see.
Can you believe my luck last week? Two games in a row.
It was all thanks to my lucky charm.
[squeaks]
[whimpers]
[flushes]
[shouts]
Say…
"Boys size small?"
[gasps] A Peeping Tom!
[shouts]
We see you in there, Boy Size Small!
[Irene] We're gonna hand you over to the authorities!
[Merle] They'll put you in the slammer!
-[Irene] Where did he go? -[elderly person] I don't see him.
[Irene] Did he give us the slip?
[squeaks]
[shouts]
-[screams] -There he is!
He's on the move, ladies!
[laughing]
[grunts]
[shouting]
After him!
[alarm sounds]
-Huh? Huh? -[grunts]
-We're coming through! -Hey! Watch it!
-Don't let him get away! -[panting]
[ladies muttering]
[sighs]
-[yelps] -You get out of here!
-[shouts] -[chattering]
[elderly person] Killing my bingo buzz!
[Irene] There he is!
There's Boy Size Small.
-Come back here! We're gonna get you! -Yeah! Yeah!
There he is! Come on!
-[shouts] -[guard] Hey, kid!
-Come back here! -Come on. Wait!
-Out of my way! -Hey! Get off!
Where do you think you're going?
[panting]
[gasps]
Hmm, what do we have here?
-Oh! -Uh…
That's nasty.
-[gasps] -All right!
-Hey! -There he goes! This way!
D'oh!
Come here!
[groans]
I could've sworn he went this way.
Where is he?
He gave us the slip.
[sighs]
[Greg narrating] Somehow, I managed to get back to Grandpa's room.
But Rodrick can never find out about this. 'Cause if he does, I'm a dead man.
You're in big trouble, young man.
[whimpers]
Rodrick just rolled a 12!
[chuckling]
That means you've gotta fork over half your cards.
Come on, snake eyes!
Put some pants on, for the love of Pete.
[chuckles]
Is there something you want to tell me, little brother?
[gulps]
[snoring]
[sighs]
Open up!
[snores]
[grunting]
[gasps] Grandpa, can we-- Can we please change the channel?
There's nothing but a bunch of garbage on TV.
I like to watch people come and go.
Ooh! Hot in there.
[Grandpa] Barry Grossman!
You've got time to sit in the sauna for two hours,
but you can't bother yourself to return my vacuum cleaner!
[laughs]
Bah, fine! You can have the clicker.
And in some disturbing news, earlier this evening,
a Peeping Tom was spotted in the women's bathroom at Leisure--
[button clicking]
[snores]
[door opens]
[shouts]
You're jumpy tonight. Mind you don't wake up your brother.
Oh, yeah. You're right, Grandpa. There's-- There's nothing good on TV.
Ha! Told you so.
[sighs] You know, Greg, I might be old, but I'm no fool.
I know what's really going on.
You do?
You and your brother aren't here because you want to be here.
Your parents made you come.
That's not true. Grandpa, we wanted to come here.
[laughs]
No boys your age would choose to spend the weekend with an old codger like me.
Ha! Yeah, well, I'll tell you this.
I've enjoyed every second of it. You're good boys.
I guess.
I know you boys love each other, because you spend time together.
It wasn't always that way with my boys.
And now they've grown apart.
They don't even spend the holidays together.
I just wish they'd worked things out when they were young.
Like you and Rodrick have.
Maybe things would be different now.
[Greg] Yeah.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Greg.
Rowley, I told you not to wear stripes.
But I thought we could be twins.
Eh, eh? See? Twins.
Great. Now I gotta change.
What did you do your Life Sciences project on?
-My what? -Your Life Sciences project.
It's due today.
That's due today?
Yeah. And it's, like, 25% of our grade.
Oh, man! I forgot all about that project.
What are you gonna do? 'Cause this project is 25% of our grade.
I know, Rowley! Let me think.
Rodrick.
Rodrick?
Rodrick! I need your help!
Calm down, Gregory. What's got your underwear in a bunch?
I've got a Life Science project due today!
Yeah? And what's that got to do with me?
Well, I figured you might know some trick. Some way out of this.
Well, you could pretend you're sick. Skip school.
Mom would know I'm faking. She always knows.
You could tell your teacher Manny ate it.
Really, Rodrick? That's the best you can come up with?
You know I still have dirt on you, right? I can come clean to Mom right now.
Hmm. Did you say Life Sciences? That does ring a bell.
Let's see.
No. No.
-[grunts] Ah! -What are you doing?
My life Sciences project. And in mint condition too.
Let me see that.
Uh-uh-uh-uh!
This is some of my best work. It's why I saved it.
Awesome. Here, give it.
No, sir. This is gonna cost you.
Come on, Rodrick. Me and you have a partnership. A deal.
Yeah. Well, our deal doesn't cover this kind of thing. This is extra.
Okay, what do you want for it?
I want cash.
[groans] I don't have any cash.
I'm talking Mom Bucks. Large bills only.
Come on, Rodrick. Don't you have enough?
No, you can never have enough Mom Bucks. That's Rodrick Rule number five.
Fine. I'll give you 20. That's fair.
Mmm, actually, you seem a little too eager.
Make it a hundred.
[groans]
Fine. But you can't tell anyone about this.
I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is a snitch.
Great doing business with you, brother.
[bell rings]
You got one of Rodrick's old projects? But isn't that cheating?
It's not cheating. It's gaming the system.
I told you not to look at me like that.
But what if he got a bad grade?
My parents always help Rodrick with his homework. So, I'm all set.
Can I see?
Um, Greg? I don't think your parents helped with this one.
Give me that!
[Rodrick] Do plants sneeze?
Hypothesis. Plants probably sneeze.
Experiment. Hmm.
Conclusion. Plants don't sneeze.
[chuckles, whimpers]
Hmm.
Rodrick!
[rock music playing]
[Bill] ♪ All right ♪
[grunts]
[screams]
[grunts]
♪ Oh, yeah! Yeah! ♪
[mike feedback]
[drums beating]
You lied to me!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not true, bro.
You said this was your best work!
It was. You should've seen my other school projects.
Yeah.
Well, I want my money back.
No refunds. A deal's a deal.
Yeah, about that. Let's see if these change your mind.
Yo! That's me.
Wha-- Oh. [chuckles] My bad.
Please, uh-- Please continue, bros.
You wouldn't show these to Mom or Dad. You're no snitch.
You have no idea what I'm willing to do.
All-- All right. Here, I'll give you your $100 back.
Hmm. You seem a little eager.
It's gonna cost you approximately 200 Mom Bucks.
Uh, "Mom Bucks"?
[sighs] Nice doing business with you, brother.
So, do plants sneeze?
[Greg narrating] I'm not gonna say I'm proud of myself for what I did.
But I learned how to negotiate from the master.
[rock music playing]
[humming]
♪ Uh-huh, that's right That's where you're shaking ♪
-[screams] -[grunts]
Greg, you need to watch where you're going.
[groans] Just look at this mess.
[gasps]
[scoffs] I don't believe this.
I-- A party? Guys? Seriously?
Counterfeit money? Where did you boys get all this?
I knew that bathroom locked! Aha! I am not going crazy.
You boys had a party in our home. Somebody could've gotten hurt or worse.
See? See?
Didn't I tell you it wasn't a good idea for these two to be hanging out?
Greg, it might not have been your party, but you helped cover it up.
You lied to us.
And because of that, you are grounded.
No video games or electronics for three weeks.
And Rodrick, you're the older brother.
What kind of example are you setting for Greg?
A bad example?
You're grounded for a month. Hand over your van keys.
Plus, you boys are doing the dishes every night.
And don't give me any of this "my body's on a schedule" nonsense.
Mom?
What, Rodrick?
So, I get that I can't use my van. Totally fair.
But I can still go to the talent show if I get a ride, right?
No, Rodrick. Grounded means grounded. No extracurricular stuff.
But-- But-- But-- But we-- But we've been practicing for months.
If I can't play, the other guys won't be able to be in the show--
Actions have consequences.
What kind of parents would we be if we let you go to the talent show?
Good parents?
-Mom? -Yes, Greg?
Since Rodrick can't be in the talent show, I can't either, right?
Because that wouldn't be fair.
You are not using this as an excuse to get out of that talent show, Greg!
You can't let Rowley down. He's done so much for you.
Now go. Go help your brother with the dishes.
So, that was pretty crazy back there, huh?
I mean, three weeks of no electronics, I expected.
But your punishment was a little harsh if you ask me.
It wouldn't have happened if you didn't snitch.
Hey, whoa! I didn't say anything!
You marched right upstairs and went straight to Mommy and Daddy.
You ratted me out!
No snitching. That's Rodrick Rule number one!
I thought rule number one was no apostrophes.
And besides, that's not what happened!
I took you under my wing! I trusted you!
Yeah, it's been great. You've taught me a lot.
Yeah, and the only reason that I did was because you had dirt on me.
And now you don't. So, watch your back.
But--
I thought you were cool. Guess I was wrong.
Introducing the Amazing Rowley Jefferson!
Whoo, yeah!
And with a wave of my magic wand, the egg has disappeared!
[egg breaks]
Greg, you were supposed to turn the cup upside down before you gave it back to me.
Huh? Oh, yeah. Next time.
If we don't get this right by Friday night, we're never gonna win!
We're not gonna win, Rowley. We're competing against high schoolers.
Well, at least we don't have to go against your brother's band.
[sighs] Yes, we do. They got a replacement drummer.
Oh.
Hey, I've got an idea.
I was thinking maybe I could be the magician
and you could be the assistant.
It's way more believable that way.
But it's my magic set! I got it for my birthday!
Okay, okay.
-Gee whiz. -[door opens]
Hey, guys!
Hi, Rodrick. Wanna see some magic?
Nah, wouldn't want you to spoil it for me. Save it for the big night.
Oh. Okay!
Wait. What are you doing up here?
I found something on the kitchen table. Thought it might belong to you.
Hey! Give it back!
Easy there, little brother. I was just returning your property.
Wait. You didn't read it, did you?
Read it? [scoffs] Way too many words for me.
[sighs]
I did look at the pictures though.
And boy, I learned a lot.
Like what really happened at Leisure Towers.
That's private.
Well, it's about to be public.
See, I know people.
And those people have little brothers and sisters that go to your school.
And I'll bet they're gonna love reading about your little adventure
in the women's bathroom.
You wouldn't!
You ratted me out. These are the consequences.
-[shouts, grunts] -[grunts]
Give me that!
Oh! [chuckles]
-[Greg grunts] -[Rodrick] Ow!
No!
Ooh!
Nice catch.
[chuckles]
-Oops! -[phone beeps]
[phone chiming]
No!
My bad.
[Greg narrating] Believe me, I did not want to go to school the next day.
After Rodrick's little text was sent out, my reputation was gonna be ruined.
But I knew I couldn't hide forever.
So, I just decided to bite the bullet and get it over with.
[students chattering]
All right, Rowley. Let's do this.
Rowley?
You got this, Greg! [chuckles]
[sighs]
-This week's flying by, like, so fast. -I know!
-Wait. Wait. Is that Greg Heffley? -Look!
[both] Whoa!
[cheering]
What?
[chanting] Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!
[Greg narrating] It took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on.
Rodrick's message went out to all of his friends.
[phone beeps]
His friends told their brothers and sisters what happened to me,
and they told their friends.
Just like Rodrick planned it.
But I guess people mixed up the facts
because by the time I got to school, the story was totally scrambled.
Somehow the story went
from me being caught in the ladies' room at Leisure Towers,
to me sneaking into a bingo game and walking off with the grand prize.
Bingo! [chuckles]
-[grunts] -[grunts]
And the only thing people got right was me getting chased by the security guards.
But even that stuff got exaggerated.
-[growls] -Hey!
-Whoa! -Whoa!
[blows raspberry]
[Greg narrating] Even the thing with the vending machines
made it into the story,
but the facts got mixed up there too.
I wasn't exactly in a hurry to set the record straight, though.
Because the new version of the story made me look pretty sick.
[crowd cheering]
So Rodrick's plan backfired,
and I got a taste of what it's like to be popular for once.
Wow! This is so cool! I got his autograph!
[Greg narrating] But I knew it wouldn't last.
Because the second I took the stage as Rowley's assistant at the talent show,
my reputation was gonna take a nosedive.
[sighs] I don't get why I have to go to this thing.
You're here to cheer on your brother, Rodrick, and your bandmates.
Ex-bandmates.
[grunts] D-Does the rec center have a bathroom?
[engine revs]
[chattering]
[Frank] Okay. Everyone, hop out. I'll go look for a spot.
Yo! What's shaking, little man?
Uh, nothing much.
So, we heard about your little dustup over at Leisure Towers.
The what?
Oh, yeah. That.
Dude, you're a legend!
An absolute lege, dude!
Yeah, I guess.
So, we were thinking,
if we join forces tonight, we could win this thing.
Huh? I-I don't get it.
You've got the middle school vote. And we've got the high school vote.
And I've got the Mom vote. Not to brag.
What do you mean "join forces"?
How'd you like to be Löded Diper's new drummer?
What? I don't know how to play the drums.
We know your brother's been teaching you.
Time for the student to become the master.
Sorry, guys. I'm in my friend's magic act. I can't get out of it.
That's where Larry comes in. We'll do a clean swap. You for him.
Magic is my real passion.
Ta-da!
I just can't do that to Rodrick. He's my brother.
Why don't you just think it over?
Maybe this is your turn to shine, my dude.
I'll think about it.
That's all we're asking, little man.
[audience chattering]
[mike feedback]
-Yo! It's Greg! -That's Greg Heffley!
-You're a legend, dude. -[chuckles] Yeah, thanks.
Oh!
Is that Boy Size Small?
Where were you?
I just got held up.
[orchestral music playing]
Oh, this is so exciting.
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls!
-Welcome to the Talent Show! -[cheering]
[playing off-key]
[crowd murmuring]
[groans]
Then the man in the orthopedic shoes said, "I stand corrected!"
-[laughs] -[grunts]
[house music playing]
[beatboxing]
Oh.
♪ Amor fatal ♪
♪ Tremendo ♪
[whispering] I've got to get ready.
-Break a leg, Greg. -Okay.
Do your best for Rowley. Try and look like you're having fun.
Hey, Greg.
Can't wait to see you do your magic. [scoffs] So uncool.
Are you ready for some magic, Manny?
-Yay! -Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
[Bill] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
We have just one question for you.
-[snores, gasps] -Wake up!
Are you ready to rock?
[mike feedback]
Yeah!
Now, before we explode your eardrums with a blast of pure rock and roll,
it's time to introduce the newest member of Löded Diper.
Please join me in welcoming Greg Heffley to the stage!
-[gasps] -Greg?
[cheering]
Come on, little dude. Give 'em a taste.
Oh. Oof.
-[audience chattering] -[laughs]
[cheering]
Yeah, right on.
We love you, Greg!
[chanting] Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!
Yo, you ready to blow the roof off this place?
Hey. You're missing the show.
What are you doing out here? Aren't you supposed to be on stage?
I don't know. It didn't feel right.
Well, maybe that's because it's not right.
You stole my spot just to get back at me for the diary thing.
Pretty much. But it wasn't just about payback.
[scoffs] Yeah, right.
I, uh, wanted you to be proud of me.
Proud of you? For what?
I-I know. I-It was dumb.
I've got something that I've got to get off my chest too, I guess.
I-- I shouldn't have taken your diary.
That wasn't… cool.
I don't understand why we can't just get along like normal brothers.
This is normal. Brothers fight.
We just… took it too far.
But do you think we're gonna be all right, like, in the long run?
What? What do you mean?
Well, Dad and his brothers don't even see each other on holidays anymore.
Is that gonna happen to us?
Heck, yeah, we're gonna see each other on the holidays. We're family.
But I am not hosting. Too much work.
Okay. Deal.
Listen, me and you are gonna have our battles.
But I really hope you know that when the chips are down,
and I mean really down,
I'm gonna have your back. And you better have mine.
Because it's the Heffley brothers against the world.
The Heffley brothers.
[crowd cheering] Greg! Greg! Greg!
So? Are you gonna keep sitting out here, or are you gonna go make me proud?
Yeah, about that. These don't belong to me.
Like you said, there's only one Rodrick. And that's you.
[shouts, grunts]
[laughing]
[Rodrick] Wait a second. I'm still grounded.
[Greg] Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
[Rodrick] Oh, well. Rodrick Rule number ten. Always go out in a blaze of glory.
[both laugh]
-[crowd jeering] -[crowd member] Come on, entertain us!
Stand by. Uh, we're just having some, uh, technical difficulties.
[drums beating]
All right!
Please welcome Löded Diper's original drummer,
Rodrick Heffley!
-Whoo! -[crowd cheering]
-What? -Rodrick?
Rodrick rules!
We love you, Rodrick!
Unbelievable.
Greg, you do understand that you're both grounded?
Yeah, I know.
Rodrick isn't supposed to be up there.
So, we have no choice but to extend your punishment.
It's worth it.
He's my brother. I've got his back.
You're raising some good boys there, Son.
Yeah.
[drumsticks hitting]
♪ All right! ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah! ♪ -[chuckles] Yippee!
-Whoo! -Whoo-hoo!
[grunts]
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ You never liked us So you sent us underground ♪
[grunts]
Come on!
♪ You never listened So we turned up the sound ♪
Huh?
♪ And now you're quaking As I'm standing on stage ♪
-Yeah! Löded Diper! -[Bill] Uh-huh! Yeah!
♪ That's why you're shaking 'Cause you're feeling your age ♪
Whoo! That's my jam!
♪ Your arms are waving As you get on your feet ♪
♪ Your booty swaying Like you ate some bad meat ♪
♪ So we say Can you smell us now? ♪
♪ Filling up your nostrils And you're mopping your brow ♪
♪ Come on Can you smell us… ♪
What? Susan!
Yeah!
[screams] Whoo-hoo!
[both] ♪ Can you smell us now? ♪
Susan, your bunions!
Whoo!
-Oh, man! [laughs] -Look at her!
♪ In stadiums, gymnasiums So let's hear you shout! ♪
-Oh! See, I can't unsee that! -[both laugh]
That's right.
-Whoo-hoo! -Oh. [chuckles] Whoo!
[theme song playing]
[Greg narrating] Even after all that, Löded Diper didn't win the talent show.
First place went to the Amazing Rowley Jefferson
and his assistant Larry the Wonderful.
[cheering]
But it wasn't all bad news for Rodrick and his band.
Thanks to Mom, their music reached a whole new audience.
I'm really not too worried about me and Rodrick growing apart.
Sure, we'll have our ups and downs, but for now…
[shutter clicks]
…we're cool.
[theme song ends]
[rock music playing]
♪ All right! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
[grunts]
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Can you smell us now? ♪
♪ Filling up your nostrils And you're mopping your brow ♪
♪ Come on Can you smell us now? ♪
♪ We're leaking through your speakers Like a chocolate cow ♪
♪ Can you smell us now? ♪
♪ The pressure's building up Now we're about to bust out ♪
♪ Can you smell us now? ♪
♪ In stadiums, gymnasiums So let's hear you shout! ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪