There was no hope after the apocalypse war.
The world was a stinking charnel house
with bodies rotting in the streets.
And we'd won the bloody thing.
Everyone lost someone, me included.
And because the world was ending from the damage done to it,
time wouldn't heal those wounds.
But between thoughts of snuffing it, I had an idea.
What if there was a way to make
all of it never have happened in the first place?
My plan needed the flash and his speed to recreate a flash point,
to rewrite the past.
I 'd guide him with magic
to change events and keep darkseid from ever finding us.
And for my past sins,
I decided to make sure I paid this bill myself,
no matter the price.
It was the first truly noble thing I 'd ever done in my life.
And, oh, how it would cost me.
What the shite is this about?
Notbad.
Not the stairs then.
Keep it together, Johnny.
Surprise!
What's all this, then?
It's not every day a wanker like you turns 50.
Well, certainly not one with as many demons
that want to kill you.
Stop that, Jason.
Zee?
Tonight is about friends,
family, and having made it through it all.
And beer. It's also about beer.
John, did you eat the pickled eggs at the pub again?
I keep telling you, they don't change them.
No, no, no, it's not that. It's just...
I thought you were dead.
Of course not.
And don't scare the kids before bedtime with your stories.
Kids?
Daddy!
She won't let me play with her.
Because he's a baby that breaks my awesome creations.
I told you to treat each other fair and be nice.
Della, let him play, and Jack, don't break stuff.
Now give us a kiss and off to bed.
What's the matter? Zee, some water here.
You too? Come here.
Jack!
Jason, call the doctor!
For god's sake! No, no!
Someone help! Help me. Help!
Zee? You're okay?
Ritchie, if you're taking the piss,
I'll curse you with a ball sack fungus that won't ever get sorted.
Oh, it's not a joke, daddy.
It's what you deserve.
Happy birthday, John.
Did you get lost in your own home again, John?
Of course not. Where's my pint?
Hey, hey, hey, who is the dead geezer
we soul cast to do his comedy act for us?
Edwin tiggley.
John was so sure it would work.
Screwed that spell up royal.
He came back to us as a rotting corpse.
Worst part was he couldn't do his pa-pa-pa punch line without lips.
Come on. That made it funnier.
It's just a mouth full of teeth.
Oh, that's good, mate.
You know what to do with a bad hand, John?
Get rid of it.
Come on, folks, let's give him a hand.
Who's there? Show yourself.
Most people use a match.
Oh, no. Nothing like that. Just trying something out, you know?
Practice makes perfect.
You think so?
Show me.
You always were the smart one, zee.
Just a minute.
Bloody buttons.
- Kids asleep, then? - What are you talking about?
We don't have kids.
We don't?
You said you weren't sure.
Have you changed your mind?
I think so. Yeah.
Yes.
Well then, this night is going to be extra special.
I'm all in. One hundred percent.
Are you sure we don't have kids now?
Name of Jack, maybe delli?
Delli? Very sure.
Come on, John.
I could use some attention.
Right? 'Course.
Ready to go.
But the thing of it is I'm fairly sure
you introduced me to our kids not too long ago.
Why can't your mind be still?
Stairs it is then.
Okay, Mr. Lamp,
how about we introduce you to Mr. Window!
Cheeky.
I'll have you now.
Son of a bitch.
Illusion tricks, eh? I perfected that shite, mate.
Let's see who's winding me up.
Remember how you got here.
Come back to bed, John.
So the manager asks, "what's the act called?"
And the dad says, "the aristocrats."
- That was truly disgusting. - And you secretly loved it.
And where do you think you're going?
Theloo.
One in, one out, you know?
Um, fall in, Johnny?
Out in a minute, wanker.
This had better be worth it.
Now remember how you got here.
So that's it then.
Lock me in the house of mystery and throw away the key.
You have no idea what you've set in motion.
Changing the earth's past has created not a ripple,
but a tidal wave of disturbance.
So, my spell had worked.
And spectre, near-god wanker that he is,
took it upon himself to rap my knuckles.
You will no longer be allowed
to meddle with powers you do not comprehend.
Wait, wait, wait.
What now, human?
I didn't know it was against the rules.
No matter.
What I'm saying is that others should understand
the high price they'll pay if they do what I did.
Announce my sentence.
It'll be like putting out a warning cone
on a dangerous street for us puny mortals.
John constantine,
for changing your planet's past and future,
you are sentenced to spend eternity
in the house of mystery.
And, of course, I said something cheeky to piss him off.
If you ever give up this almost-god thing,
you'd be a fantastic town-crier.
You know, hear ye, hear ye!
Your outfit sucks!
Where'd you learn to use the crapper?
Bugger off.
After learning the truth,
the memory wipe and confusion spells didn't work for long.
This led to me being murdered.
You'd think that would have been the end of it?
You'd be wrong.
The spectre's vengeance spell kept resetting me back to square one.
So I got to experience death at the hands of my friends,
and loved ones over and over again.
Got to the point where the comical deaths
were a nice change of pace.
Go to sleep, you little wanker!
No telly for you!
Victory! Yes!
And since the house of mystery
is free from the bondings of normal time,
the days turned into months.
Then years.
Then decades.
And finally centuries.
For me, time was nothing more
than a blood soaked blur.
And just when I thought
things couldn't possibly get any worse...
You showed up.
Nice to see you, John.
I stand by my decision.
As I said, the world was shite and none of us had very much to lose.
Oh, I'll show you how much you have to lose.
Not ready yet, huh?
If the poker isn't cherry red,
I find the victim doesn't get the full effect.
Anything worth doing is worth doing right, eh, nergal?
Indeed.
When I heard the spectre's announcement that you would spend eternity
under glorified house arrest,
I couldn't abide by that.
I own your soul.
I should be the one to mete out your punishment.
Mom always said, "fair's fair."
You seem content with your decision.
Perhaps you think an eternity of torture
is worth what you and your friends received.
Well, challenge accepted.
What's this?
Did you think you were the only one who wanted to torture me?
Constantine, now I have you!
What are you doing here?
I'm about to torture this wretch for eternity.
Wrong.
I'll be doing the torturing.
I own his soul. See?
You sold your eternal soul, twice?
'Course not.
I, ashox, second of the fallen,
come to claim this human's soul.
I sold it three times.
Over your dead body.
I own his true soul contract.
I will violently disagree.
I demand you both leave this place.
Or what, you pompous ass?
Precedence. I claim precedence.
- How dare you? - I will simply break the chains.
Don't do that.
Can't you see the spell is fueled by our own rage?
Right you are, ashox.
If you all manage to think nice thoughts
about butterflies, kittens,
shite like that, the chains drop right off.
I will kill you.
Well, that's not a nice thought.
I really have to thank you lot.
I could have never gotten out of here without you.
See, spectre's much too powerful for the mere mortal like myself.
So I got him to tell you where I was.
So you three arseholes could break me out.
- He tricked us! - You're such a fool.
Why didn't you begin torturing him immediately?
I was savoring the moment.
But who are you calling a fool,
trapped right next to me?
If the dunce cap fits, nergal.
Enough talk!
Cheers, wankers. See you never.
Taking a stroll in the world between worlds.
Not bad, Johnny boy.
Uh-oh.
You were supposed to be imprisoned for eternity.
I guess eternity is not what it used to be.
- Apparently not. - Well, off I go then.
Don't you have anyone else to bother, anyone at all?
At the moment, you are my most troublesome issue.
What now?
Wipe my memory until I'm a piece of fruit,
or continue using zee
and the rest of my friends to rip me apart.
You mistake me, human.
I meant you no ill intent.
What, turning the love of my life into a succubus,
my best mates into demons?
Seems ill to me.
I put you in a place where you could spend eternity
with those closest to you in an endless, perfect dream.
You think yourself unworthy of happiness.
You are unwilling or unable
to confine your failures in the past to the past.
- Even when those who died forgave you. - Bloody hell!
I did it... to myself.
All of it.
I turned zee into a monster along with everyone else.
I'm broken.
Now, at last, you finally see.
I accept my punishment, spectre.
No more tricks.
I'll stay put, forever.
I tried to shield you from the consequences
of changing the past,
but that window is now closed.
You know, you god-like beings can be a real pain in my arse.
Just tell me what you want!
I? Nothing.
It is the universe that demands restitution.
The universe is a living thing.
The wonders within exist for all of us.
It's glorious. It is!
I can see everything.
I understand now.
It's... Wait!
You were selfish.
You caused the universe harm by breaking its rules.
And now, the universe will exact its price.
No, not this. Spectre, help me!
Don't let this happen.
Use your power, spectre. Kill me!
Kill me!
Woe to you, John constantine.