(WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE BY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PLAYS)
♪ When I was a young boy
♪ My father took me Into the city
♪ To see a marching band
♪ He said "Son, when you grow up
♪ "Would you be the savior Of the broken
♪ "The beaten and the damned?"
♪ He said "Will you defeat them?
♪ "Your demons And all the non-believers
♪ "The plans that They have made?
♪ "Because one day I'll leave you
♪ "A phantom to lead you
♪ "In the summer To join the black parade"
♪ When I was a young boy
♪ My father took me Into the city
♪ To see a marching band
♪ He said "Son, when you grow up
♪ "Would you be the savior Of the broken
♪ "The beaten and the damned?"
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK PLAYING)
♪ Sometimes I get the feeling
♪ She's watching over me
♪ And other times I feel like I should go
♪ And through it all The rise and fall
♪ The bodies in the streets
♪ And when you're gone We want you all to know
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ We'll carry on
♪ And though You're dead and gone
♪ Believe me Your memory will carry on
(ALL CHEERING) Yes!
♪ We'll carry on
♪ And in my heart I can't contain it
♪ The anthem won't explain it
♪ A world that Sends you reeling
♪ From decimated dreams...
Fuck you! Somebody get over here.
Back up! Back up!
♪ So paint it black And take it back
♪ Let's shout it loud and clear
♪ Defiant to the end We hear the call
♪ To carry on
♪ We'll carry on
♪ And though You're dead and gone
♪ Believe me Your memory will carry on
♪ We'll carry on
♪ And though you're broken And defeated
♪ Your weary widow marches
♪ On and on we carry Through the fears
(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ Disappointed faces Of your peers
All right. Spread out. Ready?
♪ 'Cause I could not Care at all
♪ Do or die You'll never make me
♪ Because the world Will never take my heart
♪ Go and try You'll never break me
♪ We want it all We wanna play this part
♪ I won't explain or say I'm sorry
♪ I'm unashamed I'm gonna show my scar
♪ Give a cheer For all the broken
♪ Listen here Because it's who we are
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoo!
♪ Just a boy Who had to sing this song
♪ I'm just a man I'm not a hero
(CHEERING)
♪ I don't care
♪ We'll carry on
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ Believe me
♪ Your weary widow Marches on ♪
(SONG FADES)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
JAY: ♪ Pork roll Egg and cheese
♪ Pork roll Egg and what?
♪ Pork roll Egg and cheese
♪ Pork roll Egg and what? ♪
Uh, uh, uh.
(SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE BY ROOTS OF MINE PLAYING)
Excuse me.
Yo, is anybody working or, uh...
You know what you want or what?
Yeah. Can I get three Snoogans Prerolls?
(MUTTERING)
$100 even.
Right.
♪ Tell me who Tell me who...
Can you...
♪ Profits off the life Of every dude
♪ Every sick
(SHUSHING) Keep it down.
♪ Ask the schools
(BOTH WHISTLING)
♪ Break the chains Reveal the lies... ♪
(FAKE SNEEZES)
(JAY MUTTERING)
JAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What 'cha looking at, man?
That's how we did it in the '90s, son!
(ALL WHISTLING HAPPY TUNE)
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (COLTRANE WHISTLES)
Your whistling is affecting your carrying.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Pretty nifty planning.
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
(SNICKERING)
The fuck?
Oh, uh... well, 'cause, um,
nifty is slang for NFT,
which is a non-fungible token in our world.
(SCOFFS) "Our world"?
Oh, my God, I knew it.
You belong to one of these religious death cults
where they all wear sneakers to bed
before they kill themselves.
For the last time, Randal,
I'm not in a religious death cult.
Blockchain Coltrane and I are co-founders
of the Christian Crypto Club.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Rip and tear! ♪
This is either a Lord of the Rings thing
or a Jesus thing. Hmm.
(WHISPERING) (SNICKERS)
(ELIAS CHUCKLING)
Blockchain says that Jesus saves souls,
but we buy souls, it's... (SPUTTERS)
It's pretty clever wordplay
because the Phantasma Chain's cryptocurrency unit
is called the Soul, so...
(CHUCKLING) It's...
You are killing me this morning, you nut.
Oh, shit,
I think I get it now.
Get what? NFTs and crypto?
No, not that Beanie Baby bullshit.
Talking about this pair of puds.
Looks like Elias has got his own Silent Bob.
Oh, this is quite a handjob.
What?
Jesus, these Gen Z kids are fucked.
ELIAS: Oh, what a surprise.
Randal has taken the Lord's name in vain again, Mr. Dante.
Please stop calling me Mr. Dante.
You're 36-years-old.
And not for nothing,
but how's it taking the Lord's name in vain
if I don't pray to your Christian God?
If you don't pray to God, then who do you pray to?
When I'm at my lowest, I always pray to Crom.
Who's Crom?
That's Conan the Barbarian's God.
ELIAS: You know what, Randal?
I really wish you didn't worship all your
false comic book idols and satanic superheroes.
Batman, The Avengers, Wonder Woman, AOC.
Come on, man, give Crom a chance.
He may not be all woke and shit like Jesus,
but homeboy's pretty metal for a deity.
Well, joke's on you, Randal, because there's only one God.
Yeah. What about Thor? Thor's a god.
Thor is a fictional character who flies through outer space.
(SCOFFS) So is your God.
Mr. Dante.
His God is the living Christ, Randal.
His God is the Living Dead
with all that goth-y shit like,
drink my blood. That's fucking vampire talk.
Mr. Dante! Oh, no.
My name is Foo-Foo and this is between you two.
(SCOFFS)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze.
What the fuck are these?
Kites. No shit.
But what are they doing here?
I thought we could sell them.
Are you serious? Who the fuck flies kites anymore?
Lots of people.
Kids today love flying kites. Kites are cool.
What century is this, Ben Franklin,
and what kind of kid in this day and age
would be remotely interested
in buying or flying a fucking kite?
Did you see they have Jesus on them?
Oh, well, all the kids love Jesus.
Who in their right mind is gonna buy
one of your creepy Christ kites?
I would. (SCOFFS)
You did, like, 30 times.
Maybe we can sell some online.
RANDAL: Online?
The only way anyone on the Internet
would care about this old-timey bullshit
is if you shot a TikTok trying to jam
one of those Jesus kites up your Christian dickhole.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Asshole. Thank you.
You know what, Randal? I don't think there's anything
particularly "metal" about blasphemy.
Shah, blasphemy and biting off a bat's head
are as metal as it gets.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
There were two men who were crucified with Jesus, Randal.
(SIGHS) Holy fuck.
A good thief and a bad thief.
If they were caught, I'd say
that makes them both bad thieves.
The bad thief said,
"If you are really the son of God,
"get us down from here and save us."
So why is this guy called "The bad thief"?
Call him "The practical thief with common fucking sense."
Ah. But the good thief said,
"Jesus did no wrong, whereas we are but thieves."
What the fuck are butt thieves?
Uh, well, then the good thief said,
"Jesus, remember me in your kingdom."
And Jesus said to the good thief,
"Today, you shall be with me in paradise."
And Paradise is a strip club.
It's not a strip club, Randal.
It's Heaven. (SCOFFS)
So the moral of your never ending story is,
even in Heaven, it's all about who you know.
(INHALES SHARPLY) The moral of the story
is if you didn't go to Heaven as a guest of Jesus,
like the good thief,
where did the bad thief go, Randal?
Not that I wanna prolong your sermon,
but how is it blasphemy to remind a guy
he's the son of God?
Maybe the bad thief thought
Jesus had a Bourne Identity thing going on,
like Jesus fell off a boat,
hit his head and caught amnesia.
He was born in a manger.
Now he's Bourne again.
Matt Damon is Jesus Bourne in...
The Bourne Nativity. (CHUCKLES)
Heavenly Father, I beseech thee,
please smite this braying heretic.
(BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh.
Are you okay?
No, something's wrong, I... I can't catch my breath.
Stop teasing me.
I'm not teasing, I...
I can't catch my breath, man.
Really? Should I try mouth stuff?
What is this, a Tinder date? Get off of me.
You said you can't breathe.
(BREATHES HEAVILY) I can breathe. I just...
I can't catch my breath.
What are you doing with your arm?
I'm trying to breathe.
You're really sweating, Randal.
It's hot in here, man.
Can we open the door? I got to...
Mr. Dante!
Oh, shit!
I need an ambulance at the QuickStop.
(SIREN BLARING)
WOMAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM) Dr. Ladenheim,
report to the ER.
Dr. Ladenheim...
You had to call an ambulance, didn't you?
I just ate too much fuckin' Mooby's, that's all.
Well, if you know what's wrong,
then I guess I can go home.
Are you the doctor?
I'm the doctor.
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be your savior this evening.
(CACKLING)
What in the fuck?
I apologize for my wardrobe.
I just came from a costume ball.
Listen, Doc, I'm okay. I just...
I can't catch my breath is all.
On a scale of one to ten,
how bad would you say your pain level is?
RANDAL: My pain level?
Like a negative three.
Well, you're doing it all wrong.
You're supposed to be in a lot of pain
when you have a heart attack.
Wait a minute. I had a heart attack?
No, that's not what I said.
You misunderstood me. Oh, thank Christ.
You're having a heart attack
right now as we speak,
a massive one, so we have to act pretty quickly.
I just wish I wasn't so hung over.
(SIGHS) I'm kidding.
I'm gonna go get all glammed up
for our big date and I'll see you in the OR.
Look at me. Uh-huh.
Everything's gonna be fine, all right?
Good. All right.
He's not gonna make it.
Jesus, could someone page the Good Witch?
What's next, a fucking Munchkin?
(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Shave and a haircut two bits.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I see that you met Dr. Ladenheim.
And she wants me to prep you for surgery.
Surgery? No. The doctor just said I'm going to the OR.
Right! Which is short for operating room
where they do... Ding, ding, ding, surgery!
She gotta get into your heart.
Uh, is the doctor gonna crack his chest open?
Fuck. No, no, no.
She's gonna thread a camera through his femoral artery
up to his ticker through a very small incision.
Where does she make this incision?
In the groin.
The groin? Come on.
So I gotta shave you. (ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
Or I get to shave you,
depending on how much you love your job and I love mine.
So, as the wife says at 10:00 p.m. after Dateline,
every single week,
take off your pants.
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
(SIGHS)
I gotta shave your groin, sir, so underwear too.
First, can we establish geography?
Like, where is the groin to you?
Where's the groin to me?
What is this, a metaphysical question?
We're running out of time here to save your life.
So come on, let's go.
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
Can you avert your eyes, block your ears
and sing something, please?
Oh, for God sakes. What do you want me to sing?
Not you, him. Oh, right.
All right, here's the deal,
Nurse Jackie. (DANTE HUMMING)
Mmm.
I got a really small dick, okay?
I promise you, it's nothing I've not seen before
because I work in pediatrics. (DANTE HUMMING)
If I take off my underwear,
everyone in the ER is gonna see my little dick
including my friend here,
who thinks I got a giant cock 'cause I've been lying to him
about it since we were 12. (GRUNTS)
Is this a long fable, Aesop?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
give you a little more privacy...
There you go. Oh, thanks for that.
Unfortunately, this is as far as you can go
but we do have a waiting room that's right down this hall.
I'll be right here when you get out, man.
You got this. (SNIFFLES)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ You got an idea We can rock the night
PARAMEDIC: We've got a female with multiple
C-spine complications, internal bleeding
and multiple lacerations.
Blood pressure, 100 over seven...
♪ Let's both make a promise That we can't say... ♪
ER NURSE: We're losing her. Starting CPR.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
DR. LADENHEIM: (GASPS) Why has he still
got his underpants on?
How am I supposed to get to his femoral artery
if he's wearing Squeezies?
MALE NURSE: (SPUTTERS) I told him,
but he's got some body shame issues.
(DR. LADENHEIM SIGHS) Look, Doc,
I got a really small dick.
I'm trying to save your life
and you're worried about your little dick?
We don't have time for this.
Whoa!
(SOBBING) This is all my fault.
No, it is not, Elias.
I prayed to God to smite Randal
so Jesus attacked his heart at my command.
(SOBBING)
Randal's mother had heart trouble, too.
(SNIFFLES) No, I gotta make Jesus reverse this.
Pray with me, Mr. Dante.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Oh, my sweet savior, hear your gentle servant.
Spare the heretic I damned in jest.
Remember the words of the good thief.
Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves.
DR. LADENHEIM: A-ha. What's up, Doc?
I can tell by your very subtle tattoo
that you're a superhero fan,
so you might appreciate this.
Uh-huh. You know,
they have a name for the type
of heart attack you're having right now.
Really? Okay.
They call it the Widow-Maker.
Now, doesn't that sound like some bad guy
that Ranger Danger has to fight? (CHUCKLES)
Why do they call it the Widow-Maker?
Because in 80% of the cases
when there's 100% occlusion like what you have now?
Hands down, patient always dies, always.
Oh, fuck.
But don't worry, you're gonna be in the 20%
because keeping you alive is good for my brand.
Now, if you excuse me,
I'm gonna go fool around in your little crotch
and I'm gonna make a little magic,
but I could use all the help that we can get.
So, if you remember any prayers
from when you were a kid,
now would be a terrific time to dust those off.
(RANDAL GROANS SOFTLY)
Are you there, Crom?
It's me, Randal.
(ECHOES SLIGHTLY) Please don't let me die.
He won't answer me.
After all this time...
devoting my life to God.
Jesus has abandoned all of us at QuickStop.
I think Jesus was always more of a Wawa guy.
(SIGHS) Yeah, well, you know what I think?
I think I wasted my life believing in bullshit.
I've been conned.
Fairy tales, faith and pledging fealty
to a fictional fucking phantom. And for what?
In my darkest hour when I need him most,
the Lord totally ghosts me.
Well, to hell with all that made up Jesus jive.
(NECKLACE CLATTERS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Save Randal this night,
and I will swear my soul to you,
oh, sweet Satan.
Satan? Oh, buddy, no.
I mean, isn't he kind of like the Optimus Prime of evil?
You don't have to condescend to me.
You can just say Megatron.
I'm kind of a Transformers virgin.
(SIGHS) Well,
I'm an actual virgin,
so I know Satan's gonna want my soul.
For what? Evil.
And butt sex probably.
Do you have any lube? Are you...
No!
(LOUDLY) I don't deserve lube!
Take me, Satan!
Jesus! Pull up your pants.
Make me your concubine! Jesus...
Pull up your pants. No, stop it.
I have to fuck Satan.
And that's when, I shit you not,
Luke fuckin' Skywalker shows up.
DR. LADENHEIM: Uh-huh. And I'm talking about
the young, fuckable Luke from Return of the Jedi,
not the Gran Torino, "Get off my lawn"
Luke from The Last Jedi. DR. LADENHEIM: Okay.
Quick heart update, Mr. Graves.
Uh-huh. During your thorough
retelling of The Star Wars Show...
The Mandalorian, season two.
...I was able to get the stent in place.
So this is where I need your help now.
I'm gonna open this stent and all you have to do
is tell me when you feel
the pressure lets up. All right?
Let's do this, McDreamy.
"This is The Way."
The way to what?
Oh, that's a saying from The Mandalorian.
Huh? The Star Wars Show.
Okay, listen, we need to hit pause
on all your pop culture references for a minute
just until we open the stent on three.
One, two, three! (GASPING)
Oh!
Holy shit, I can fucking breathe again.
Does this mean I'm gonna live now?
Yes, because I'm an amazing doctor.
You're a better doctor than Doctor Strange
and Doctor Zaius combined. Doctor who?
Oh, no, I don't watch that show,
but I might start now because I'm fucking alive.
(LAUGHS)
"Mazel tov!" As the Chinese say.
Thank you, Doctor.
Thank you for saving my life.
You're like the Batman of heart surgery. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah?
(SPEAKING GRUFFLY) With great power
comes great responsibility.
What the fuck was that?
You're alive! DANTE: You're alive!
Are you okay? If that was a heart attack,
I'll take another one. That shit was easy. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, you must be on a lot of drugs right now.
No, they didn't give me nothing in there.
I had to do the whole thing sober.
He's high as a kite on fentanyl.
Kite imagery, very cool.
See, Randal, kites are in the air.
Stop with the fucking kites.
DR. LADENHEIM: One more thing, Mr. Graves,
since you were really preoccupied about it,
so much so that you wasted time and nearly died,
your penis is not that small.
It's not that big, but it's not that small.
(CHUCKLES) That's the best news I heard all day.
(CHUCKLING WEAKLY)
DANTE: Is he gonna be okay?
How do I help?
Well, if you care about him,
you'll jam a vegetable down his throat.
The guy's got more cholesterol in his arteries than blood.
Got it. From now on, I'm only gonna order him food
off the vegan menu at Mooby's.
Him and you. Me?
If you're around his age
and eat the same diet as your friend,
you might wanna get your heart checked out, too.
Will do.
But here's something I want you to keep
an eye out for as regards to Randal.
Okay.
Middle-aged men tend to go through a depression
after they've had a heart attack.
Now your friend might sound or act differently now because
he's come face to face with his own mortality.
So, for the next few months,
do whatever you can do
to help Randal keep his spirits up.
All right?
Now, my bill is in the mail.
(WHATEVER IT TAKES BY LISA DALBELLO PLAYING)
Judgy.
♪ Whatever it takes
♪ I know I can make it
♪ I know I can make it through
(SONG FADES)
I brought you a hat.
Yeah. Thanks.
I can't believe you're still awake
after the day you've been through.
Yeah, I can't sleep.
There was only a 20% chance
I was gonna make it out of that OR alive tonight.
Hmm. Is that right?
I mean, I figure I got a 50-50 chance of dying
any time I leave my apartment.
But today,
there was an 80% chance everything for me
was just gonna stop.
There was an 80% chance
you and I were never gonna talk about Star Wars again.
There was an 80% chance
I would never know for a medical fact,
I got a normal-sized dick.
You always said it was huge.
I was gonna miss a lot of shit
if you didn't call that ambulance today.
You saved my life, man.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh.
I wish I had a life worth fucking saving.
DANTE: Come on, man.
What are you talking about?
When I was lying there,
wondering if I was gonna die,
I saw the whole movie of my life flash before my eyes.
You know what?
It sucked. (SCOFFS)
I always thought, hoped...
that my life was building towards something.
Turns out it was just the hospital.
What are you talking about?
We built our own business.
So I co-own a convenience store. Big deal.
I never went anywhere outside of Jersey.
I never fell in love like you.
If I'd have dropped dead tonight,
only you and Elias would remember I even existed.
I mean, look at me, man, I'm almost 50.
I sit around and watch the same
stupid movies over and over.
(SIGHS)
The fuck is wrong with me?
I don't know.
You know so much about all that stuff.
I always thought you could have made a cool movie.
Holy shit.
You're right.
I could make a pretty cool movie.
I've been watching movies all my life,
I've seen all these people tell their stories
and never once thought about trying to tell mine.
Well, fuck that, man.
Since I almost died tonight,
now I know I'm living on borrowed time.
So, no more watching movies
because when I get out of here...
I'm gonna make a movie!
(MACHINE BEEPING)
DANTE: A movie?
Don't you have to go to film school or something?
It's like 75 G's a year to go to NYU Film School.
And you know what those kids pay all that money for?
I don't know. To watch movies.
I worked in a video store for 20 years
where I sat around and watched movies all day, too.
So basically, I went to my own film school.
Just because you've seen every movie ever made,
doesn't mean you can make any kind of movie at all.
(SCOFFS) Tell that to Quentin Tarantino.
Oh, now you're Quentin Tarantino?
I'm not saying I'm gonna make a movie as good as him,
but I'm not good at sex either,
and that doesn't stop me from trying to get laid.
(SCOFFS)
DANTE: You wanna shoot a movie here,
at the QuickStop?
Yeah, I've seen convenience stores in flicks before,
but I've never seen an entire flick
set in a convenience store.
Because who would wanna watch that?
I mean, it's my life and I barely wanna live it.
This movie's meant to memorialize my life.
And since I spent the last
30 years of my life working here...
Oh. Working?
I got plenty of convenience stories
to put into a screenplay.
Convenience Stories. Good title.
Well, what kind of convenience stories
are we talking about here?
(LAUGHS) Remember the time we went to
Julie Dwyer's funeral and you knocked the casket over?
You knocked the casket over.
I did? (SIGHS)
Well, that's a scene now.
Or how about the time the old guy was jerking off
in the bathroom and dropped dead?
That's totally a scene, man.
I mean, all the shit you and I have said
sitting at this counter,
these are all scenes now, man.
How about the time you burned the store down?
Is that gonna be a scene?
I'm still pretty sure terrorists did that.
Uh-huh. (DOOR OPENS)
RANDAL: Hey, hey!
Motley Crewneck.
Anyone in your Christian Crypto Club
got a non-crypto camera we can borrow?
It's called the Crimson Crypto Club now.
Our first drops gonna be all crypto kites.
Oh, put that shit away, Elon Muskrat.
What do you guys need a camera for?
RANDAL: Mmm. Randal wants to make a movie.
Ooh, like a pornography movie?
No, like a movie-movie,
one with actors and a screenplay
and Crafty. (LAUGHS)
What's Crafty?
That's where the, uh, crew hangs out
and practices witchcraft,
you little devil worshipper.
Cool.
Crafty is where you find all the food on set.
But if you're shooting in here,
I guess the whole store's Crafty.
What's the movie gonna be about?
Mmm, it's gonna be about an hour and a half.
I hate long movies.
It's about him working here. ELIAS: Wow.
Meta. Never seen a whole movie
set in a convenience store before.
Right? Thank you.
I'm gonna fill the script with all the weird shit
me and Dante have ever said
or seen around here
over the years. Oh.
You should put in that stuff you used to say
about the Death Star contractors.
(SCOFFS) Get sued by Disney? Fuck that.
Besides, I don't want this movie to be about
other movies. I want it to be about me.
It's my flick, so I wanna write about
the things that I do.
Like, um, like how we play hockey on the rooftop.
I've never seen that done in a movie or a TV show,
even though it's just fucking practical.
(LAUGHS) Remember that fight
where I hit you in the face with the bread?
Ooh, that could be a scene.
Or the time I spit water on that old guy?
That's, like, the fucking opening scene.
Ooh, I got an idea.
Maybe Jay and Silent Bob could be characters.
That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
DANTE: Well, you're still gonna have
to get them involved if you wanna set
any of the scenes in your old video store.
All right. Watch the register, dawg.
We got to go talk to the Warner Brothers.
What the fuck, man? We heard you died.
Almost. What happened
is I was taking a shit in the high grass
when a rattlesnake came up
and bit me right on the asshole.
But like the good friend he is,
Dante sucked the poison out.
See? It happened to them, too, man.
Well, listen, when we thought you were dead, man,
I felt really, really bad
'cause in all the time I've been hanging out
in front of this store and stuff,
I forgot to give you something.
Dental School?
Me and Veggie Dick rented that shit in 1994,
but we never watched it
'cause we didn't have a VCR. (CHUCKLES)
But now, you can put it on the shelf
in the video store. Oh, yeah.
Uh, the video store closed ten years ago.
It did?
This was the video store.
Oh, yeah, I'm getting senile
and shit right there, you know? (LAUGHS)
So listen, how much we owe you for late fees?
(SCOFFS) Uh, well, let's see, a dollar a day for what,
26, 28 years?
That's, like, approximately... $10,220.
Oh, didn't rewind.
$10,220 and 50 cents.
You take crypto?
You guys got crypto?
No.
If you never watched it,
why was it not rewound? Yeah.
Hey, asshole, I said we didn't have a VCR.
We watched it. We held it up to the light.
(CHUCKLES) Fucking Luddite.
Listen, we'll squash your giant late fees
on the 28-year-old copy of Dental School
if you let us shoot a movie in here.
Ooh, a pornography movie?
No, it's not a porno movie.
Sex sells, son, and I'm always buying
'cause I am the Clit Commander!
Snootchie Bootchies.
(7-ELEVEN NACHOS BY FROGGY PLAYING)
♪ I love nachos
♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven
♪ I know that They're bad for me
♪ When I eat them I'm in heaven
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
♪ Liquid toppings Taste so good ♪
Goodnight.
Thirty-seven?
That's not a scene, Randal.
Stop writing it right now.
Thirty-seven cannot go in your movie.
(SHOUTING) Shut the fuck up. It's nighttime!
DANTE: "In Convenience"?
It's the story of my life.
Hundred and sixty-eight pages full of dick jokes,
set in a convenience store,
written in one night.
Maybe don't tell people that last part.
I thought, you were gonna call it "Convenience Stories."
Yeah, that shit sounded too precious.
What am I, Wes Anderson?
(CHUCKLES) Not based on this script.
"There is only one return
"and it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi."
Hmm. ELIAS: Hey.
You said that same thing about return
the day that guy threw up in Mooby's
and you made me clean it. RANDAL: Yeah.
Everything in the script is something
either me or someone I know said,
I just made up new names.
What am I, some kind of writer?
(WHISPERING) Ah, yes.
Blockchain would like to understand
why the two girls are into this "Dan-T" character
when the Randy character is much funnier.
Randy has been asking himself
the same question his whole life.
What's wrong with Dan-T? (SCOFFS)
Read his first scene on page 37.
DANTE: Are you kidding me?
I'm in this convenience store way more than you,
but I don't come into your
convenience store movie 'til page 37?
I had a lot of exposition to do.
(SIGHS) "Enter Dan-T.
"A hideous fuckin' chud of a man." What the fuck?
RANDAL: Well, maybe Dan-T's not you.
Do you ever think of that?
"Dan-T's hideous fuckin' chud of a beard
"doesn't suggest Tony Stark so much as a male crack whore
"who is cosplaying as Tony Stark."
That's just in the screen direction.
Nobody actually calls Dan-T
"a hideous fuckin' chud." To his face.
I can't believe you made me
sign a non-disclosure agreement,
only to read that I'm not even
one of the main characters in the story of your life.
I mean, I knew I was never the Luke,
but I thought I was at least the Han.
Oh, come on, I'm the Han
and the Luke, right? (SCOFFS)
Then who am I, the Chewie?
I think Elias is more the Chewie, no?
Unless this is Empire then I'm the Lando
and he's the Lobot.
I'm not even the Lobot?
Which one's Lobot?
He's the one with the headphones who looks like
a dad who's trying to be a DJ.
The bald fucker from Bespin
who never says nothing the whole movie.
Wouldn't that make Silent Bob the Lobot?
No. Jay and Silent Bob are clearly the C-3PO and R2-D2.
I mean, they've been here since the first movie,
which was the last time they were cool,
but they've been with the franchise so long
they still give them cameos
and put them on the lunchboxes.
So if I'm not Luke, Han, Chewie, Lando,
the droids or the Lobot,
then who the fuck am I in your Star Wars,
Princess fucking Leia? No.
You're the Dak.
Who the fuck is Dak?
He's Luke Skywalker's tail gunner
in the Battle of Hoth.
You know, the guy who's ready
to take on the whole Empire himself
until the Empire kills the shit out of him?
(SCOFFS) Did Dak even get an action figure?
Not in the classic Kenner line, no.
Because?
Because he was deemed unimportant to the story.
But that's just bullshit, man.
Without Dak, Luke could have never...
Like, Dak was the only guy that's, like, uh...
I mean, Dak was plucky as shit, man, just like you.
Uh, I have a question about the script.
Great, more fuckin' notes.
Go ahead. ELIAS: Yes.
Uh, I have a problem with the Friar Fuck character,
who, I believe, is supposed to be me.
Friar Fuck, uh, loves Jesus,
uh, to what appears to be an unhealthy degree.
And?
And Elias is a born again Satanist.
Because it was Satan who saved you
when my prayers fell on the deaf ears of Jesus,
the giant jerkoff. (SPITTING)
All right, listen up, Friar Fuck.
I get that you just broke up
with your boyfriend Jesus recently,
and clearly you're going through some couture
and cosmetic stuff because of it.
But for the first 36 years of your life,
you were into Jesus to an unhealthy degree,
and that's the Elias that I based Friar Fuck on.
Then this script is based on lies.
Welcome to the movie biz.
There's no truth in this art!
Jesus.
Everyone's a critic.
So, what do we do next?
What are you asking Dak for?
Well, I can't do this alone. I need a producer.
That's your job. Me?
What do I know about producing?
Come on. I'm already writing and directing.
I can't do everything, man.
All right. What does a producer do?
Just build us a schedule, keep us under budget,
secure a DP, and most importantly,
find us financing.
What, I gotta get money, too?
How much are we talking about here?
Mmm, 25 grand.
$25,000?
Well, technically, it's $27,575
but it would be way more if we were in Canada.
Where the fuck am I supposed to find
that kind of money from?
We can find that kind of cash.
What? How?
We launch our crypto kite NFTs next month.
So the Crimson Crypto Club
could have a lot of money to invest
if the crypto kites fly.
RANDAL: Again with the fucking kites.
Guys, we need real loot to make a real movie,
not your make pretend Matrix money,
you fuckin' kite fucker.
I'm sick and tired of the kite killing attitude around here.
(SCOFFING)
(DOOR OPENS)
RANDAL: Anyway, back to the budget.
What if we took out a loan against the store?
A loan?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't we just
slow down a minute and think about this first?
Slow down? I almost died, man.
It doesn't get any slower than that.
I'm not getting all "Dante" about this.
Uh, what's that supposed to mean?
You're the guy who can never decide
whether to shit or get off the pot.
Well, I don't have time for that anymore.
From now on, I'm gonna shit bricks
or what's the point of being here?
So, come on, man,
get behind me when I shit for once.
So I can what, wipe your ass?
(SCOFFS)
You know, I don't wanna get all "Dante" about this,
but find someone else to take your shit.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
BECKY: Well, well, well, here he is.
The escape artist.
I Sit on Your Grave.
(CHUCKLES) Didn't we have that movie at the video store?
I Spit on Your Grave.
Hicks, you spit on my grave in a dream,
you better wake up and apologize.
Ah...
So this is a dream. Uh, if it is,
then you need to learn to dream bigger.
I mean, really,
this is the best that you can do?
A cemetery?
You can't dream us into sex...
on the beach...
in Hawaii?
Like you'd wanna have sex with me now.
(GROANS) I'm an old man.
I'll have you know that being dead only
increases your sex drive.
(LAUGHS)
The dead live to fuck.
So you have sex in the afterlife?
Hell's yeah.
There's nothing to do in Heaven except fuck.
(SCOFFS) That's what makes it Heaven.
I can't believe my wife's having sex with dead people.
Famous dead people.
I'm on the celebrity circuit now.
Bullshit. Name one famous person you fucked in Heaven.
One. Okay. (SMACKS LIPS)
I have knocked boots with the ghost of Cleopatra, sir.
Oh. And Miles Davis
and Frederick Douglass, together.
George Washington... What?
Carver. Oh.
You know how much I love peanut butter.
True. Who else?
Um, Carl Sagan.
Oh! A real thinker.
Um...
Malcolm X.
Malcolm triple X. Oh, settle down.
And I'm sure you're letting them all go ass to mouth.
Uh, yeah, they're famous.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You think I want this, don't you?
You carrying the torch for me?
I told you how I feel about romantic love, Hicks.
Oh, I remember.
You were very convincing. Mmm.
Right up until the day I proposed.
We only knew each other for, like, 15 minutes.
You've been mourning me for, like, 15 years.
So what do you want me to do?
You want me to just forget about you?
You were all I ever dreamed about.
Both of you.
(BECKY SIGHS) (TEARFULLY) Now...
God, I'm so alone.
(CRYING)
(SOFTLY) I know.
I know losing me and Grace...
broke you.
But you don't know how lucky you have it.
What?
The Book of Life is closed for the two of us.
But you... can still turn a page.
You get to keep writing the story of your life.
Why bother without you?
Because there are more tales to tell, Hicks.
As long as you're alive,
you can always start another chapter.
So live while you can, love while you can.
God damn it.
Dream bigger.
(SNIFFLES)
That all sounds pretty romantic
coming from a girl who doesn't believe in romantic love.
I don't believe in romantic love.
That's my girl.
But I do believe in you.
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, I wanna thank you guys for having me here today.
I've always wanted to be an actor.
Nice.
I'm not even supposed to be here today!
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
(SOBBING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(STRAINED) I'm not even supposed to be here today.
I'm not even supposed
to fucking be here to fucking day, fucks.
Oh, shit! I thought that was the police.
I'm not even supposed to be here.
By the power of Grayskull,
I am not supposed to be here today!
Hey, I'm Joe.
Uh, I'm 45-years-old, recently divorced,
and I figured I'd give this shit a go. Uh...
I am not even supposed to be here today.
Damn right.
Uh... (HUMMING)
Lion face. (ROARS)
Lemon face. (GRUNTING)
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT) A little about me.
I'm known professionally as Boston John.
That's a nom de plume.
Uh, Robert De Niro is my fuckin'... Lone star.
You know what I'm saying? Close your eyes. Just...
Close your eyes. Just listen. Ready? All right?
(MIMICKING ROBERT DE NIRO) I have nipples, Greg.
Could you milk me?
Fuck, that is one, bitch. All day.
Can you give me one like Schwarzenegger?
(MIMICS ARNOLD) I'm not even supposed to be here today.
But can you, uh, Pacino that shit?
(MIMICS AL PACINO) Ooh-ah!
(SHOUTS) When, Lord?
When will I see the God damn sailboat?
That came from a real deep personal place.
I have a BFA.
Uh, I'm a theater background actor.
As an actor with a theater background,
I was classically trained in New York.
Have you actually thought
about going musical with this? 'Cause it could be...
♪ I'm not even...
Supposed to be here.
♪ Today ♪
Hah, hoo, hah. Yeah-cha!
Kick ball change and snap, snap, jazz hands.
That is beautiful, man.
Freddie Prinze Jr.
"I'll fuck anything that moves."
Wait, wait a minute, man, is this a porno?
I'll fuck anything that moves.
That's a little bit in your face.
Let me try it like this, hold on.
Can I borrow your underpants for about ten minutes?
I'll fuck anything that moves.
And, fool,
I always carry a machete.
I'll fuck anything that moves!
Sounds like the guy I buy weed from.
You know what this movie needs?
Deez. Deez nuts!
Can I just offer you a piece of advice?
You know what this script needs right here?
Like an old lady that says curse words.
Holy shit.
Who wrote this garbage? His mother should be ashamed.
(INHALING)
The fuck?
He's auditioning for Silent Bill.
(SCOFFING)
I don't know if you know Sound of Music,
the marionettes were the best part of that.
I think that's why they won Oscars.
It's worth thinking about
maybe doing the whole movie with marionettes.
(ROCK MUSIC FADES)
Take your heart pills, Tin Man.
Hey.
So, how's it going with the financing?
You raise my money, yet?
If it's your money,
then how come I have to raise it?
That's Hollywood. (CHUCKLES)
Did you finish reading the script?
Last night.
And? It's funny, right?
It's funny,
but it was like my entire life flashed before my eyes.
My life flashed before your eyes.
I was glad you left some stuff out.
So, uh...
which one of these guys gets to play me?
Well, the guys are too young
and hot to play you. What the fuck?
And nobody's nearly funny enough to play me.
So then, what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna play my part myself.
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
All right, already, we're closing. Gee whiz!
Why? You're highly offending me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus.
I'm sorry, ma'am, we're closed.
It's me, Randal.
Huh. Cool. Blade Runner, I like that.
Thanks. What's a Blade Runner?
Can we get back to you acting in a movie
that you're directing even though you've never acted in
or directed a movie before?
It worked for Orson Welles.
(SIGHS) You're not an actor.
Neither was Howard Stern,
but he acted in the movie about his life.
(SCOFFS) If you call that acting.
You think you can do better?
Better than Howard Stern did in Private Parts?
(CHUCKLES) It's not a high bar.
Great, because you're playing Dan-T.
What? No, no, no. I'm not. I can't act.
You're as good as any of the jokers
we saw at 1the audition.
Besides, if I'm gonna play me, you gotta play you.
You have to do this, Mr. Dan-T.
DANTE: Oh, for God's sakes,
please stop calling me Mr. Dan-T.
That's another thing. Fuck all the fake names.
What is this shit, Mad Magazine?
Randal is playing Randal.
Dante is playing Dante, aka Mr. Dante,
and Elias is playing Elias.
ELIAS: I'm in the movie, too?
Yup. And as a Satanist playing a Christian,
you've gotta act the most.
It's my very own chance...
to transform.
And transform you shall, Bumblebee.
Soon as Mr. Dante secures our fuckin' financing.
Yo, it's too bad you didn't marry that Emma chick,
the one with the big clit.
Wasn't she like some kinda car wash heiress or something?
DANTE: Can you focus?
Even if we do play ourselves,
you still got to cast all the customer parts.
Why am I casting customers to say all this stupid shit
when I still see the real customers
who said all the stupid shit in the first place
come in here every day? They can do it.
Oh, my God, you can't just turn
regular people into movie stars.
Noinch, noinch, noinch! Smokin' weed.
Smokin' weed!
Pack of wraps, my good man.
Time to kick back, drink some beers
and smoke some weed.
You own a whole weed store.
Hey, Randal, I've got an idea.
What if Jay and Bob play Jay and Bob?
Well, we can ask 'em. Yo.
Youse guys want to be in my movie?
Ooh, a pornography movie?
RANDAL: It's not a porno movie.
It's the movie we're shooting in your store.
(SCOFFS) That movie? You still ain't done?
We haven't even started yet.
I don't know. Who would we be playing in this movie?
Well, it's these two characters I kind of based
on you and Maggie Simpson here.
Check out your first scene.
DANTE: These guys aren't real actors.
But they are real fucked up and I could work with that.
This doesn't sound like me at all.
What are you talking about?
All the shit in there is all the stuff
I've personally heard you say around here.
I do not talk like this, man.
Why do you have me saying stupid shit like
"Snootchie Bootchies" all the time?
RANDAL: I'll tell you what.
If you guys play yourselves in the movie,
I'll let you guys be in charge of Crafty, too.
So what's Crafty about?
Well, in addition to being the comic relief in the movie,
you'd also be in charge of all the food on set.
Ooh, we learned about food prep
back when we ran the fucking Cock Smoker.
Wasn't that place just a drug front?
(CHUCKLING) No, we had drugs in the front
and drugs in the back.
DANTE: So if Elias is playing Elias
and these dopes are playing themselves,
who are you gonna get to play Veronica?
Well, funny you should ask,
'cause earlier today I sent the script
to someone who will be absolutely...
(CLICKS TONGUE) ...perfect to play Veronica.
(DOOR OPENS)
Who the fuck do you people think you are?
Veronica? What is this filth?
What is this gamey, tawdry trash
that makes me out to be some slutty sex maniac?
RANDAL: It's just a movie I'm making
about my life, and I thought
it'd be fun for you to play yourself in it.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
Then you are fucking sick! Hey!
Watch it with my artistic expression.
"Artistic expression"? That's my life.
It's my life.
Okay, everybody, calm down. Jeez.
DANTE: Oh, come on, you would have killed
to have been in a film in college.
You majored in drama.
I minored in drama.
I majored in oral surgery.
All hail the queen of oral.
Fuck you. Surgery.
You didn't let me finish.
And I'm not gonna let you finish this film either,
not with me as a character.
I'm not some fucking joke you get to tell
in your dirty little B movie,
you two-bit strip mall Soderbergh.
I see myself more like retail's Richard Linklater.
VERONICA: You want to do this?
Fine, but leave me out of it.
Unlike either of you, I've got a grown-up job.
And unlike either of you, I've got a family.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
I... Sorry.
(SOBBING)
(DANTE SIGHS)
Please don't cry.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) It's just been a shit day.
(SOBBING)
I had two cancelations.
My ex calls to tell me that
he's not putting our daughter's car
on his insurance,
and so now somehow she's pissed at me.
And then I see you and say that shit.
It's okay. Really.
I kinda feel like... I feel like such an asshole.
Hey, Ronnie. (SNIFFLES)
If Randal told me he was gonna send you the script,
I would've said no way.
But now, I'm glad he did.
Because it's...
it's really nice to see you. Even under the circumstances.
And you look great. (SCOFFS)
You look way younger than I do.
Yeah? Yeah.
How young you think I look?
You don't look a day over...
37. (CHUCKLING)
So, um...
(SMACKS LIPS)
You want to fuck? (NO HOPE BY LOUSER PLAYING)
♪ I'm a mess
♪ All washed out
♪ Mostly regrets
♪ Laced with doubts
♪ All bruised up
(VERONICA AND DANTE MOANING)
♪ I'm knocked down
You think this means Veronica is in?
I think it means Dante sure is.
♪ No hope
♪ No peace ♪
JAY: "Silent Bob,
"you are a rude motherfucker.
"But you are cute as hell."
(CLEARING THROAT)
(LOUDLY) Silent Bob!
You are a rrr-rude motherfucker!
But you're cute as hell!
(ELIAS SNEEZING)
ELIAS: I brought the cat, Randal.
Perfect. We don't want him going anywhere
near a litter box until we're ready to shoot.
So you're gonna have to hold him all day.
But I'm allergic to cats.
You got to suffer for your art, man.
But it's not my art, it's your art.
Shouldn't you be the one doing the suffering?
I didn't suffer enough
when I almost died from a heart attack,
which I might add was after
a heated exchange about kites?
My allergies have made me immune
to your emotional blackmail. (DOOR OPENS)
(CAT PURRING)
Check out this acting.
(CLEARS THROAT) Silent Bob,
you are a rrr-rude motherfucker!
But you're cute as hell.
Very natural, and subtle. I like it.
So, how are you feeling today?
Oh, you know, I feel like that kid
that worked in the video store,
fully fluent in the language of cinema.
It's like I was born to direct.
No, bro. I mean, you had a heart attack last month.
Oh, that. No, I feel fine.
How do you feel today
after your Range Rover sleepover last night?
Stop it. When I said to be a producer,
I didn't mean produce a late-in-life child.
Unwilling producer.
I didn't ask for this job, but I am doing it.
So I have a meeting today about money.
Fucking A, that's producing, J.J.
And I found you a cinematographer.
What? May I present to you...
Shooter Bob.
Silent Bob is gonna be our DP?
Shit, yeah, we all gonna be doing DPs!
Uh, DP is the name of the job.
You said it was cinematographer.
The cinematographer is the DP.
Man, don't be acting like you know
all the industry slang and shit.
Me and Silent Bob are the only ones here
who've actually been on a movie set. Twice.
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
RANDAL: Come on.
Yes, he's an unconventional choice,
but you are an unconventional filmmaker making
an unconventional film. Yeah.
You want me to entrust the story of my life to the Quiet Place.
He has some really nice shots
on his Instagram. (SCOFFS)
Come on, give him a chance, man.
Maybe he speaks the language of cinema like you do.
The guy never speaks at all.
Okay, so we just scouted in here,
and the colors are fucking ugly.
So Silent Bob wants to shoot the whole movie
in black and white.
Schindler's List black and white? What, is he nuts?
Uh, no, I'm a fucking filmmaker.
And any filmmaker worth their salt
would know that the colors
in this place are fucking ghastly.
The only way you could deal with them
is to neutralize them by going in black and white,
which will also kind of act as a commentary
on the soulless nature of commerce
while subliminally giving the audience the impression
that they're watching our heroes
from the perspective
of an imaginary store security cam.
That's what I was thinking. Mmm-hmm.
That's what an artist thinks. Yup.
But, you know, it's up to you.
However, I'm shooting it in black and white,
or I ain't shooting it at all, motherfucker.
That's right.
(EXHALES) (LINE RINGING)
Jesus, he looks fat.
You're not on mute, Emma.
I know. So? Hello.
Hi, you. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
How's Florida?
Full of assholes, but at least it's not Jersey.
What do you want, Dante?
Okay, uh, this is gonna come out of left field,
but, um, I was hoping I could borrow some money.
Fuck no.
It's not for me. It's for Randal.
Oh, then double fuck no.
He had a heart attack, Emma.
Good. I hope he dropped dead.
He didn't.
So he needs the money for, uh...
for the hospital bills.
Randal doesn't have any insurance.
So the fuck what?
Even if I wanted to help, which I don't,
I'm not giving Randal Graves any free money.
Emma, please.
You and I once promised that if we ever needed help,
we'd always be there for each other, no matter what.
That was before you cheated on me
at a fucking donkey show.
Goodbye, Dante!
No, no. Wait, wait, wait. (GROANS)
Please, Emma.
I'm desperate here.
Do you even have any collateral?
If I have to...
I can sign over my half of the QuickStop as collateral.
That shithole? Ugh.
What's all this about? We're making a movie.
No shit. A pornography movie?
How long does that take? Twenty-one nights.
It's gonna take my auteur friend here 21 nights
for him to cinematically suck his own dick.
In a row?
"In Convenience." I don't get it.
Scene ten, take one!
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Cat Wrangler! (BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
(ELIAS WHEEZING)
(BODY THUDS)
(WHEEZING)
All right, let's go.
And...
action.
Holy shit.
We got poop.
And action. (BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
Fuck.
(OPERATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
What are you waitin' for? Dance!
I ain't doing this with all these fuckin' people watching.
Oh, my God.
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK) Cut!
(SIGHS) The talent's being a little bitch.
Can you guys wait in the video store?
I'll run the camera.
DANTE: Unbelievable. Really?
There, ya happy? I cleared the set.
So fucking dance, man.
You fucking dance.
Bitch. RANDAL: And...
action.
What the fuck, JoJo Siwa?
Look at this fucking guy looking at us!
He's not even paying attention. Gee whiz.
You have to go inside, too, cuck.
Who the fuck's gonna run the camera?
Push the button and walk away.
Oh, my God.
(CAMERA BEEPS) All right.
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK) Action.
I guess.
(FIND YOUR WAY BACK BY JEFFERSON STARSHIP PLAYING)
♪ You know, it's been A long, long road
♪ Since I packed up and left On my own...
All right, now, hold on to the counter.
I'm going to pull, okay? Here we go.
Ah...
♪ Just trying To get back to her heart
(GRUNTS) Action.
We need some tits and ass, yeah!
♪ I sure ain't got no home...
And cut.
Ha-ha. (GRUNTS)
(WHISTLES)
Nice job, nice work.
Um...
All right, we're doing the same shot
just over to this door.
...sound here. Let's get the sticks over there.
Elias, you with us?
Okay, we're doing the same thing.
We're just, kind of, coming over here.
We're gonna stay on the same...
♪ Find your way back... ♪
And... action.
You know, there are a million fines in the world, dude.
RANDAL: "Millions of fines"? What the hell, man?
That's not the line.
"There's a million fine-looking women
"in the world, dude."
There are a billion behinds in this world, dude!
Whoo! Not "billions of behinds."
"A million fine-looking women."
You know, they're killing swines in the world, dude.
Jesus fucking Christ, you non-acting fuck!
I will do it myself.
Ahem!
You know, there's a million fine-looking women
in the world, dude,
but they don't all bring you lasagna at work.
Most of them just cheat on you.
You All About Eve -ining fuck. Well?
Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy night.
RANDAL: So that's it. He doesn't love you anymore.
He loves Caitlin.
And he told you all this? Pretty much.
All except the latent homosexuality but...
What the fuck, man?
We're making a movie here. Ew!
RANDAL: It's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
DANTE: How'd he die? RANDAL: He broke his neck.
That's embarrassing?
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
JAY: Holy shit, man.
Is that shit true? RANDAL: Are you nuts?
Shut the fuck up.
We're shooting a scene here.
(FIND YOUR WAY BACK CONTINUE)
♪ I know it's too late now
♪ But I wish I could Go back in time
♪ And start all over somehow
♪ And get it right From the start
♪ Find your way back
To her heart
♪ Find your way back ♪
Uh, what the hell is this?
The story needs a little action
so I added a scene where Cohee
comes in to rob the place at the end.
And in the process, you get shot.
No way. I'm not letting you kill me off in the third act.
What if there's a sequel?
A sequel? What am I? A hack?
Cohee, producer says I gotta cut your scene, man.
Yo, I'm still pay or play, right?
Publicity? Isn't it a little early for that?
I've been reading the paper my whole life
and the only time I've seen my name in it
was under the headline,
"Local grocer has massive heart attack."
So I thought in your official capacity as producer,
maybe you can get a cub reporter over here
to do a story about your director in action.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
JAY: "I assure you we're open."
I don't get it.
Some savages are always sticking gum in the locks,
so I wrote it into the script to be the reason
the shutters are closed all day.
That way, we can shoot at night
and pretend it's day out.
I fucking hate how fake Hollywood is.
RANDAL: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
I beg your pardon. Your ruse.
Your cunning attempt to trick me.
This is the last time I rent here!
You will be missed.
Screw you!
You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
JAY: Yeah!
RANDAL: And cut.
(WOMAN EXHALES) RANDAL: Nice work.
Nice work.
Okay, now just give me ten minutes
and then I'll be ready to do mine.
Your what?
Wah, Ricky!
(CRYING) This is the last time I rent here!
(WAILING)
I don't get it.
She wanted to do one as Lucy.
Empire had the better ending.
I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off,
finds out Vader's his father.
Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett.
It ends on such a down note.
Cut. What? What happened?
RANDAL: "Han gets frozen
"and taken away by Boba Fett."
I said that.
No, you said, "Han gets frozen,
"taken away by Boba Fett."
You left out the "and."
Do I come in now, Randal?
Not yet, Thomas. Go back out.
You can blame Dante for ad-libbing all over my movie
like he's Seth fucking Rogan.
Oh, my God, I left out one word.
Every word is sacred to the writer.
DANTE: This isn't writing.
It's a bunch of shit that happened for real in my life.
My life.
Do I come in now, Randal?
Not yet, Thomas. Back.
Oh, man, Thomas fucked up again?
Stop fucking shit up, Thomas.
Hey, fuck-o. What'd you say to my father?
How about I fuck your shit up,
you fucking fuck hole motherfucker!
Shooter Bob!
That is the Jersey-iest thing
I've ever heard or seen in my life. (LAUGHS)
And action.
(SQUELCHES)
That's your lung.
By this time, your lung looks like this.
So why don't you put the cigarettes back
and try some gum instead?
Here, Chewlies gum, try this.
Oh, my God, that reeks!
God! What is that?
What happened to the model of the lung I gave ya?
I'm a method actor.
I ditched the model lung
for this tripe I got at Foodtown.
Jesus. I used my power of stagecraft
to see that stomach as a lung. It's method!
MAN: And you're Dante Hicks.
We went to the same school. You played hockey.
Yeah. How'd you know that?
You still going out with her?
No, she's getting married.
To you? No.
To an Asian design major.
MAN: What is... You know what?
Cut, cut, cut! I can't abide by this racist shit.
Racist? How the hell is it racist?
Just look at all this fucking lack of diversity.
And calling some guy an Asian design major
just feels racist.
That's not racist. The guy literally majored in Asian design.
Are you sure?
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian student who was also a design major?
He was a passionate student of Asian design.
It just so happens he himself was coincidentally Asian.
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
Take it easy, man.
(CASH REGISTER BEEPS)
So, uh, where are we gonna shoot the donkey show scene?
Where it happened. Mooby's.
Our Mooby's? Yeah.
How are we supposed to get in?
I got the locations department working on it.
EMPLOYEE: (GRUNTS) It's stuck in my hair.
Shit. Can you get it?
Ugh. I hate wearing the Mooby suit, man.
(SALLY WALK BY IMINIKON PLAYING)
♪ I'm just trying to see Miss Sally walk
♪ In a simple baddest On the block
♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally Double Dutch
♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally fuck it up
♪ Fuck it up
♪ Eenie-meenie-miney-mo
♪ Yo girl say she tryna go
♪ Red light, green light
♪ Now you can't find yo ho
♪ Freeze tag, this froze
♪ Took her to the jewelry store
♪ Miss Sally walk A-walkin' down the street
♪ Miss Sally walk...
Come on, boys. Let's go!
♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally walk
♪ Miss Sally walk A-walkin' down the street
(DONKEY BRAYING)
♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally walk
♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally walk ♪
(TRAIN HORN TOOTING)
No.
No what? No, I... I can't go inside.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Of course, you can.
Becks, I can't.
We had the best times of our lives in that place.
Until one of our lives ended.
(SIGHS) It's just a building, Hicks.
It's just a building I haven't been inside since...
(TEARFULLY) Since you...
I know. I'm sorry.
(WHIMPERING)
Just turn the page.
You can do this, babes.
No. (WHIMPERING)
Don't go.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SOFT MUSIC FADES)
(SIGHING)
Uh, Randal. This is Lisa
and her daughter... Lisa.
Uh, Lisa goes to high school
at Henry Hudson Regional. Oh.
And this is my husband, Lando, who can go straight to hell.
I'm so mad at you.
Don't say a damn word the whole night.
Don't even think words! RANDAL: Uh...
We're gonna shoot a movie in a minute
so I gotta chase you guys
out of here. LISA: Oh, okay, my bad.
I guess you don't want press
for your little YouTube video, then.
Did you say press?
ELIAS: Mr. Dante asked them
to come here to cover the shoot.
So you're saying little Lisa is...
Ah! High School Lisa.
Don't call her little Lisa
and you better not call me big Lisa.
High School Lisa writes for the high school newspaper?
And her parents are the chaperones.
Fucking great.
LISA: Even though one parent just came out
of the strip club tonight
spending all my $5 bills that I got at bingo. Bitch.
Hey! The producer's on set.
So lights! Camera!
Action! (CHUCKLES)
He looks drunk.
He looks like he needs a piece of butter and bread.
Ooh, it's cold in here.
Cough cold... Hey!
All right, look,
I realize going to Mooby's might have hit you hard
but you just take off?
We couldn't even shoot the donkey show!
Oh, big deal.
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Try thinking of somebody other than yourself for once.
Myself? Okay.
We're gonna shoot this scene
because the kid from the high school newspaper
and her mom are waiting.
Thanks for understanding the assignment on that one.
But since you showed up here shit-faced
and ruined tonight before we even had a chance to roll,
we're gonna re-shoot this tomorrow.
So get your selfish ass out there on that cooler
and let's pretend for a minute
you've actually been helpful on my movie,
which is, like, the only thing
I ever asked you to do for me
and only after I almost dropped dead
from a fucking heart attack.
You're fucking unbelievable, man.
Come on!
(DOOR OPENS)
(SIGHS) (DOOR CLOSES)
(WHISPERS) What...
In Convenience.
(SOFTLY) Stupid title.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Scene 137. Take one.
Are they shooting this in black and white?
I see a lot of white. I don't see the black.
RANDAL: And action.
(MIMICKING JAWS THEME MUSIC) ♪ Da-dum, da-dum...
♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum
♪ Da-dum, da-dum Da-dum, dadum... ♪
Salsa shark!
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa.
Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
Oh, what? What's with you, man?
You haven't said anything in, like, 20 minutes.
What the hell's your problem?
This life.
This life?
I'm stuck in this pit on my day off,
dealing with every backward ass fuck on the planet.
I smell like shoe polish,
and my girlfriend sucked 36 dicks.
Thirty-seven. LISA: Oh!
Cover your ears, baby girl.
Why the fuck are they cursing like that?
You need to shit or get off the pot.
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about this thing you have,
this inability to improve your station in life.
Fuck you.
It's true, man.
You sit there and blame life for dealin' ya a cruddy hand,
never once accepting responsibility
for the way your situation is.
You better leave me the fuck alone, man.
It's because you're comfortable, right?
This is the life of convenience for you
and any attempt to change it would shatter
the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself.
What?
Man, if you weren't such a fucking coward.
(SHOUTS) Oh, would you shut the fuck up?
That's not the line, man.
What are you doing? My whole life
you've been running your mouth a million miles an hour
and saying absolutely nothing!
(SCOFFS)
I gotta listen to you talk shit
about everybody and everything you think
as if the world's waiting for you to weigh in!
Nobody fuckin' cares.
Oh, real nice, pal.
Get me all worked up because it's not like
I had a heart attack and almost...
Died! "I almost died from a heart attack!
"Did I not mention that a couple of thousand times yet?"
Fuck you. "Hey, everybody, look at me.
"I'm the boy who lived."
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
"So I gotta make a movie
"all about what a relentless fucking asshole I am
"to everybody I ever met,
"especially my so-called fucking friends."
Oh, we're not friends anymore, man.
You can fucking believe that shit.
(LAUGHS) Oh, good! Yeah.
Because if we're not friends,
I don't have to worry anymore what the cold, hard truth
might do to your poor, wittle heart!
Oh, don't worry about me, pal, I'll be just fine.
So since I can be completely
honest with you? Oh, please,
be completely honest.
(SCOFFS)
You think you deserve a movie?
Yeah.
What did you ever do in life but watch it
and mock it? (SCOFFS)
What have you ever fucking done?
I had a life.
I was this close to happily ever after
and then, one drunk driver later...
my movie's over.
Forever.
No happy ending,
no sequel.
Not even a third fucking act,
just, "Fuck you! And, oh, by the way,
"fuck you!" Credits.
(SNIFFLES) But, hey...
What's that compared to a heart attack?
I mean, shit!
You could have almost died, right?
Yeah.
Well, some of us did die.
Some of us have been dead inside ever since.
But then, just when I'm able to walk into this place
without wanting to kill myself every day, you have an idea.
You wanna make a movie about your life.
Oh, and you... you've been very clear about that.
It's your life!
Well, get this, you self-centered,
gaping wound of a human being
with your insatiable fucking ego!
(SCOFFS) The fuck?
Your life...
is my life!
I've been there with you the whole time!
And since you know how hard that life's been on me,
did it ever occur to you
that maybe I didn't wanna relive that fucking life?
So, I quit...
as your producer.
And I quit...
as your fucking friend.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
'Cause I'm not even supposed to...
(GRUNTS)
(BODY THUDS)
Now that's what I call acting!
Come on, everybody, clap it up for that.
Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky, get up.
Dante?
Hey.
Hey. Hey! Dante!
Wake up, man. Hey!
Call an ambulance!
Wake up, man. Dante. Dante!
Dante? Um...
Excuse me. We're... What the...
No, you can't be back here. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, already. God.
They just brought our friend in.
His name is Dante Hicks.
He's the drunk guy that collapsed at the QuickStop.
NURSE: Uh-huh. The first responder said
he's having a heart attack. Okay, okay.
You need to wait out there, sir.
Someone will be by to tell you more
as soon as we know more.
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
Thank you.
(SIGHS) This is where I first rejected Jesus.
Yeah, and now look what's happened.
So weird to be back here.
Yeah, tell me about it.
All right, look. I'm gonna get out of here.
Call me as soon as they say something, all right?
Wait, what? Where are you going?
I'm gonna go work on my movie, man.
Your movie?
Yeah, I mean, it's almost done.
It's not like I'm doing Dante any good sitting around here.
I might as well go work on my movie.
Are you kidding me? Even now?
"Even now" what?
"Oh, my movie.
"My movie! Everybody make my movie
"because it's so important."
(SCOFFS) This is neither the time nor the place
to do an impression of Chris Nolan.
I'm doing an impression of you, Randal.
We're in the hospital.
That's stating the obvious. No.
The obvious statement right now would be,
"Never mind the movie,
"my best friend's in the hospital."
It's just a heart attack. I had one. He'll be fine.
Fuck you, Randal. (SCOFFS)
Fuck you.
Come on. God, man.
I used to look up to you so much
but you're the worst, you know that?
The worst in the world.
Mr. Dante made your movie happen.
I made my movie happen.
I had the idea to make the movie.
I wrote the script
and I'm the goddamn director.
I made this movie happen.
It was all me.
Oh, it was all you, huh? Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Take off your stupid mask, Randal.
Yeah.
Because I remember Mr. Dante doing everything.
He even called his ex-fiancee who hates his guts.
He put up his half of QuickStop
just to get you the money to make your stupid movie.
Wait a minute.
Dante got the money for my movie from Emma?
MAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM) Code Blue. ER 7.
Dante, I didn't know about Emma.
I just found out. You again? What did I say?
I didn't know. What did I say, huh?
Security! Is he okay?
Get out of here, man. Get out!
Is he okay? Get out! Security!
All right. Get off of me!
Randal, where are you going?
(LE GRANDE FROMAGE BY REBUILDER PLAYING)
♪ Skip amongst The telephone lines
♪ Catch a frequency To pass the time
♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey
♪ Living along the turnpike
♪ Headed home
Fuck!
♪ With the smell of smoke
♪ We ran out of things To say
♪ So let it unfold
♪ We pumped the tires full
♪ All our favorite songs Were shitty anyway
♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey
♪ Skip amongst The telephone lines
♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey
♪ Living along the turnpike
♪ I'd give anything To go home
♪ I gave up everything To leave
♪ I'd give anything To go home
♪ I gave up everything To leave
♪ I gave up everything... ♪
I think it needs more weed. Hmm.
God. Hey...
I need your help with Dante.
Who's Dante?
The fuck do you mean? Dante.
The other guy, the guy in the QuickStop who's not me?
Wait, I thought his name was Sergio.
Ain't his name Sergio? It's fucking Dante.
Are you gonna help me or not?
Anything for our boy Sergio.
I need to sneak into the hospital to get to Sergio,
so I want you guys to create a very subtle distraction.
I took a poo in the ICU!
I took a... Oh, shit!
SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Hey!
♪ Give up everything to leave
♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey
♪ I'd give anything To go home
♪ Living along the turnpike ♪
(SONG FADES)
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Dante?
Hey, man.
I figure, since you're just laying around here...
you little heart attack copycat.
You got time to watch our first movie.
Huh?
You're gonna see I was way off
with that stupid shit I said at the store.
I never... never would have made this movie without you.
I never could do anything without you.
I'm here, man. I'm here.
Let's watch the movie.
(O WALY, WALY BY GERARD WAY PLAYING)
This is the way I see you.
You're the main character in my Star Wars.
(SNIFFLES) You're not the Dak.
You've always been the Luke.
(VOICE BREAKING) You're the hero of my movie, too.
You've always been my hero, Dante.
♪ The water is wide
♪ I can't get over
♪ Neither have I
♪ The wings to fly
♪ So go and get
♪ Me to a boat
♪ To carry both
♪ My love and I
(VOCALIZING)
♪ There is a ship
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
♪ Out on the sea
♪ And loaded deep
♪ As it can be
♪ But not as deep
♪ As love am I
Let's go.
♪ Don't care if I
Yeah? Yeah.
♪ Should live or die...
(SIGHS)
That was the best movie I ever saw.
But it's not over.
Don't you wanna see how it ends?
I trust the director.
He wasn't just my favorite filmmaker...
♪ The wings to fly
He was my best friend.
♪ Me to a boat
(DANTE SNIFFLES)
♪ To carry both
♪ My love and I
♪ To carry both
♪ My love and I
(MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
What's goin' on? (SNIFFLES)
You okay? Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
Don't fucking leave me, man.
Don't leave me!
Oh, shit. Help!
(JUST BREATHE BY PEARL JAM INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
And that's when the good thief said,
"Jesus did no wrong, whereas we are but thieves."
What the fuck are butt thieves?
I don't know if any of you know this
but I'm a Satanist now.
And while I may be the devil's concubine,
I still believe in heaven.
And because Mr. Dante
was the best person that I ever knew,
I believe he's in heaven right now,
just like the good thief.
Dante's Inferno.
No.
Dante's Paradiso!
Si.
Grazie, Elias.
(CLEARS THROAT) I, uh...
I thought a lot about what to say here today.
I was gonna pull from the eulogy
that Kirk gave Spock in The Wrath of Khan,
but I've always been more of a Star Wars fan
so I should say something like,
"May the Force be with you" or "This is the Way."
But I think instead of quoting a movie,
I'd like to paraphrase the departed.
And by the departed, I mean Dante Hicks,
not the Scorsese picture that was pretty perfect
right up until that stupid shot of the rat at the end.
So in the words...
(VOICE BREAKING) ...of the best guy I ever knew...
"You're not even supposed to be here today."
♪ Nothing you would take
♪ Everything you gave
♪ Hold me 'til I die
♪ Meet you on the other side
RANDAL: Come on in here, you little butt thief,
and assume your new position.
But this was Mr. Dante's spot.
Yeah, well, after all this time
of being my biggest and only fanboy,
I'd say you earned it.
Besides, I told you way back when we worked at Mooby's
when Dante is gone,
you're gonna be my new best friend.
(CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not.
Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with?
It's you and me, buddy.
Oh, fuck.
Well, look who it is, Mr. Big Shit.
Well, look who it is, Mrs. Big Clit.
Classy. How am I not surprised?
I was surprised to see you at the cemetery.
You flew up for Dante?
Well, I did almost marry the man, and if I had... P.S.
He wouldn't have died of a heart attack
before he was 50.
Yeah, because after a year with you,
he'd have killed himself.
I think I heard you had a heart attack.
Am I right?
That must really fuck with you.
Dante's dead but you're still here.
I guess it's true what they say, Randal.
Only the good die young.
To what do I owe the pleasure
of your entirely unwelcome visit?
I loaned Dante 30 grand
and he put his half of the store up as collateral.
Now he's gone.
And if you can't pay me back, I own half this shithole.
(SIGHING)
How big's my clit now, motherfucker?
Oh, my sweet Satan,
lend your might to the meek and deliver us
from this succubus.
What the... (PANTING)
The kites are flying! Ah!
I repeat! The kites are...
flying! He talks?
Yes. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
What?
The kites are sold out.
The fucking kites, God, the kites.
The Crimson Kite NFT's,
the ones we minted for the Crimson Crypto Club.
Blockchain put them on sale last night
and they all sold out.
So?
The two of us just made...
One million! One million!
One million dollars! Ah!
Hail Satan! I'm crypto rich, bitch!
I just cashed out $100,000 just to flex and buy sex.
Here, take that. Shit.
What're you gonna do with your money, Big E?
I'll never be able to earn my place behind this counter
but now I can buy it. Here's your sucking
blood money. Oh!
Now, get the hell out of our store!
Well played, clerks.
ELIAS: Sorry about the mess.
That was from Star Wars.
I only said it 'cause you and Mr. Dante
used to talk about Star Wars. I know.
Long time ago.
In a galaxy far, far away... (DOOR OPENS)
Holy fuck, that's a lot of money.
You wanna buy some weed?
Yes! I wanna buy all the weed!
Here's ten grand.
Whoo! That's gonna get you higher
than Godzilla's asshole.
Yo, where those kites at?
Right this way, valued customer.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Aye-yi-yi.
(SNIFFLES)
(I'M FROM NEW JERSEY BY JOHN GORKA PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
I wish you were here, man.
♪ I'm from New Jersey
♪ I don't expect too much
♪ If the world ended today
♪ I would adjust
♪ I'm from New Jersey
♪ No, I don't talk that way
♪ I watched too much TV
♪ When I was young
♪ There are girls From New Jersey
♪ Who have That great big hair
♪ They're found In shopping malls
♪ I will take you there
♪ I'm from New Jersey
♪ It's not like Texas
♪ There is no mystery
♪ I can't pretend
♪ I'm from New Jersey
♪ It's like Ohio
♪ But even more so
♪ Imagine that
♪ I know which exit
♪ And where I'm bound
♪ The tolls on the parkway
♪ They will slow you down
♪ New Jersey people
♪ They will surprise you
♪ 'Cause they're not expected
♪ To do too much
♪ They will try harder
♪ They may go further
♪ 'Cause they never think
♪ That they are good enough
♪ I'm from New Jersey
♪ I don't expect too much
♪ If the world ended today
♪ I would adjust
♪ I would adjust ♪
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, kids! It's me, Kevin Smith,
and I can't thank you enough for making this third trip
to the convenience store with me. Thank you.
Um... This time's exciting for me
because this time everyone finally gets to see Clerks
the way I've always seen Clerks.
Most people think that Clerks is a black and white movie
and they're right. It was shot on black and white film.
But, to me, whenever I watch Clerks,
even though it's in black and white,
the movie appears in color.
Because I lived that life.
And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
you're all seein' QuickStop and the surrounding area,
uh, Dante, Randal, Jay and Silent Bob
as I've always seen them from day one.
Um, in vivid, living color.
Uh, you know, QuickStop is the unsung, uh, star
of all the Clerks movies, if not,
you know, the epicenter
of the View Askewniverse films in general.
Um, all stories emanate
and flow from that little building.
And when I worked there...
um, I hated it. I didn't want to be there.
I didn't wanna work for somebody else
and I didn't wanna work there.
And people would come in
and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
"I have to actually wait on people?
"I just wanna watch TV."
I didn't even wanna work at the convenience store.
I tried to get a job at RST Video.
There was an ad in the paper for it.
I went down and talked to Mr. Topper.
He said... He goes, "I see you have
"convenience store experience as well."
I said, "Yeah, I worked in a bunch of convenience stores."
And he goes, "Would you be willing to work
"in this convenience store next door
"from time to time because we own that as well?"
And I was like, "Uh, yeah, if you need help."
And, uh, famous last words because it...
it was a convenience store job.
He catfished me. I just wound up
working in a convenience store with a couple of hours in...
in a video store, teased with paradise,
then seduced and abandoned to sell, uh, goods.
So in Clerks, Randal says,
"Man, this job would be great
"if it wasn't for the fuckin' customers."
Uh, but in the script for Clerks III,
I'm gonna read you a little something that was there
that I didn't use in the movie.
During the pullback shot
at the very end, you hear John Gorka's
beautiful I'm From New Jersey.
And it was so lovely,
I left that moment alone and didn't put in
what in the script called for, the voice of Smod.
That would be me. And this is what you would have heard.
"Randal Graves spent the rest of his life
"running QuickStop Groceries
"whenever he wasn't making movies,
"with each film financed solely
"by Crimson Crypto Studios.
"At a screening of his final film,
"the Asbury Park Press asked him
"to sum up a life spent satisfying
"both the public's demand for cigarettes and soda
"as well as their appetite for the many movies
"he made after his celebrated debut, Clerk.
"The 90-year-old Randal Graves replied,
"'I always thought that jobs would have been great
"'if it weren't for the fuckin' customers.
"'But as it turns out,
"'these jobs are great because of the fuckin' customers.'"
He means it and so do I.
Thank you to everybody
whoever walked through the door of that store
and made me think,
"Somebody should put this in a fuckin' movie."
Somebody did. Thank you.
JAY: Yeah!