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(WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE
BY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PLAYS)
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♪ When I was a young boy
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00:01:04,469 --> 00:01:09,072
♪ My father took me
Into the city
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♪ To see a marching band
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♪ He said
"Son, when you grow up
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♪ "Would you be the savior
Of the broken
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♪ "The beaten and the damned?"
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♪ He said
"Will you defeat them?
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♪ "Your demons
And all the non-believers
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♪ "The plans that
They have made?
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♪ "Because one day
I'll leave you
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♪ "A phantom to lead you
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♪ "In the summer
To join the black parade"
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♪ When I was a young boy
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♪ My father took me
Into the city
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♪ To see a marching band
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♪ He said
"Son, when you grow up
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♪ "Would you be the savior
Of the broken
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♪ "The beaten and the damned?"
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(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK PLAYING)
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♪ Sometimes I get the feeling
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♪ She's watching over me
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♪ And other times
I feel like I should go
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♪ And through it all
The rise and fall
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♪ The bodies in the streets
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♪ And when you're gone
We want you all to know
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ And though
You're dead and gone
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♪ Believe me
Your memory will carry on
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(ALL CHEERING)
Yes!
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ And in my heart
I can't contain it
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♪ The anthem won't explain it
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♪ A world that
Sends you reeling
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♪ From decimated dreams...
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Fuck you!
Somebody get over here.
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Back up! Back up!
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♪ So paint it black
And take it back
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♪ Let's shout it loud and clear
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♪ Defiant to the end
We hear the call
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♪ To carry on
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ And though
You're dead and gone
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♪ Believe me
Your memory will carry on
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ And though you're broken
And defeated
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♪ Your weary widow marches
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♪ On and on we carry
Through the fears
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(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
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♪ Disappointed faces
Of your peers
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All right.
Spread out.
Ready?
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♪ 'Cause I could not
Care at all
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♪ Do or die
You'll never make me
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♪ Because the world
Will never take my heart
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♪ Go and try
You'll never break me
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♪ We want it all
We wanna play this part
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♪ I won't explain or say
I'm sorry
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♪ I'm unashamed
I'm gonna show my scar
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♪ Give a cheer
For all the broken
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♪ Listen here
Because it's who we are
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Whoo!
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♪ Just a boy
Who had to sing this song
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♪ I'm just a man
I'm not a hero
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(CHEERING)
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♪ I don't care
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♪ We'll carry on
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♪ We'll carry on
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(ALL CHEERING)
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♪ Believe me
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♪ Your weary widow
Marches on ♪
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(SONG FADES)
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(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
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JAY:
♪ Pork roll
Egg and cheese
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♪ Pork roll
Egg and what?
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00:05:23,693 --> 00:05:25,363
♪ Pork roll
Egg and cheese
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00:05:25,465 --> 00:05:26,928
♪ Pork roll
Egg and what? ♪
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Uh, uh, uh.
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(SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE
BY ROOTS OF MINE PLAYING)
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Excuse me.
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00:05:32,438 --> 00:05:34,635
Yo, is anybody
working or, uh...
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00:05:34,737 --> 00:05:36,210
You know what
you want or what?
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00:05:36,312 --> 00:05:38,811
Yeah. Can I get three
Snoogans Prerolls?
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(MUTTERING)
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$100 even.
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Right.
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♪ Tell me who
Tell me who...
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Can you...
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♪ Profits off the life
Of every dude
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♪ Every sick
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(SHUSHING)
Keep it down.
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00:05:53,589 --> 00:05:55,154
♪ Ask the schools
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(BOTH WHISTLING)
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00:05:58,666 --> 00:06:01,900
♪ Break the chains
Reveal the lies... ♪
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(FAKE SNEEZES)
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(JAY MUTTERING)
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00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,374
JAY: Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
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00:06:11,476 --> 00:06:12,806
What 'cha
looking at, man?
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00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:15,311
That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!
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00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:18,815
(ALL WHISTLING HAPPY TUNE)
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Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.
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(DOORBELL RINGS)
(COLTRANE WHISTLES)
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Your whistling
is affecting
your carrying.
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(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
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00:06:43,408 --> 00:06:44,736
Pretty nifty
planning.
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(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
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00:06:48,048 --> 00:06:49,144
(SNICKERING)
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00:06:49,247 --> 00:06:50,347
The fuck?
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00:06:50,449 --> 00:06:52,282
Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,
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nifty is slang
for NFT,
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which is a non-fungible
token in our world.
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(SCOFFS)
"Our world"?
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Oh, my God,
I knew it.
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You belong to one
of these religious
death cults
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where they all wear
sneakers to bed
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00:07:03,396 --> 00:07:05,197
before they
kill themselves.
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For the last
time, Randal,
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I'm not in
a religious
death cult.
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Blockchain Coltrane
and I are co-founders
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of the Christian
Crypto Club.
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(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
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♪ Rip and tear! ♪
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This is either
a Lord of the
Rings thing
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00:07:22,612 --> 00:07:24,677
or a Jesus thing.
Hmm.
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(WHISPERING)
(SNICKERS)
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00:07:27,088 --> 00:07:28,981
(ELIAS CHUCKLING)
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Blockchain says that
Jesus saves souls,
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but we buy souls,
it's... (SPUTTERS)
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It's pretty
clever wordplay
132
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because the
Phantasma Chain's
cryptocurrency unit
133
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is called
the Soul, so...
134
00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:41,467
(CHUCKLING) It's...
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You are killing me
this morning,
you nut.
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Oh, shit,
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I think I get it now.
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Get what?
NFTs and crypto?
139
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No, not that
Beanie Baby
bullshit.
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00:07:51,973 --> 00:07:53,809
Talking about
this pair of puds.
141
00:07:53,912 --> 00:07:57,551
Looks like Elias
has got his own
Silent Bob.
142
00:08:00,883 --> 00:08:02,853
Oh, this is quite
a handjob.
143
00:08:08,831 --> 00:08:09,823
What?
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00:08:09,925 --> 00:08:12,132
Jesus, these Gen Z
kids are fucked.
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00:08:12,234 --> 00:08:13,931
ELIAS: Oh,
what a surprise.
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00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,335
Randal has taken
the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.
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00:08:16,437 --> 00:08:18,565
Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.
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00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:20,501
You're 36-years-old.
149
00:08:20,603 --> 00:08:21,969
And not for nothing,
150
00:08:22,071 --> 00:08:23,673
but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain
151
00:08:23,775 --> 00:08:25,545
if I don't pray
to your Christian God?
152
00:08:25,647 --> 00:08:27,843
If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?
153
00:08:27,946 --> 00:08:31,148
When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.
154
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:32,450
Who's Crom?
155
00:08:32,552 --> 00:08:33,846
That's Conan
the Barbarian's God.
156
00:08:33,949 --> 00:08:35,587
ELIAS: You know
what, Randal?
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00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,083
I really wish
you didn't
worship all your
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00:08:37,186 --> 00:08:39,657
false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.
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00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:43,693
Batman, The Avengers,
Wonder Woman, AOC.
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00:08:43,795 --> 00:08:46,191
Come on, man,
give Crom a chance.
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He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,
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but homeboy's
pretty metal
for a deity.
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00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:53,571
Well, joke's on you,
Randal, because
there's only one God.
164
00:08:53,673 --> 00:08:55,941
Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.
165
00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:58,672
Thor is a fictional
character who flies
through outer space.
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(SCOFFS)
So is your God.
167
00:09:00,246 --> 00:09:01,447
Mr. Dante.
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00:09:01,549 --> 00:09:02,776
His God is the living
Christ, Randal.
169
00:09:02,878 --> 00:09:04,317
His God is
the Living Dead
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with all that
goth-y shit like,
171
00:09:05,885 --> 00:09:08,549
drink my blood.
That's fucking
vampire talk.
172
00:09:08,651 --> 00:09:10,051
Mr. Dante!
Oh, no.
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00:09:10,153 --> 00:09:13,189
My name is Foo-Foo
and this is between
you two.
174
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:14,287
(SCOFFS)
175
00:09:16,494 --> 00:09:17,726
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
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00:09:17,828 --> 00:09:20,029
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, freeze.
177
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,001
What the fuck
are these?
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00:09:27,142 --> 00:09:28,737
Kites.
No shit.
179
00:09:28,839 --> 00:09:30,573
But what are they
doing here?
180
00:09:30,676 --> 00:09:32,239
I thought we could
sell them.
181
00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:35,476
Are you serious?
Who the fuck flies
kites anymore?
182
00:09:35,578 --> 00:09:36,979
Lots of people.
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00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:39,716
Kids today love
flying kites.
Kites are cool.
184
00:09:39,818 --> 00:09:41,917
What century
is this,
Ben Franklin,
185
00:09:42,019 --> 00:09:43,751
and what kind of kid
in this day and age
186
00:09:43,853 --> 00:09:45,084
would be
remotely interested
187
00:09:45,186 --> 00:09:47,859
in buying or flying
a fucking kite?
188
00:09:49,597 --> 00:09:51,057
Did you see they have
Jesus on them?
189
00:09:51,159 --> 00:09:54,060
Oh, well,
all the kids
love Jesus.
190
00:09:54,162 --> 00:09:55,764
Who in their
right mind
is gonna buy
191
00:09:55,866 --> 00:09:57,763
one of your creepy
Christ kites?
192
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:58,964
I would.
(SCOFFS)
193
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,374
You did, like,
30 times.
194
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,669
Maybe we can
sell some online.
195
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,071
RANDAL: Online?
196
00:10:05,173 --> 00:10:06,842
The only way anyone
on the Internet
197
00:10:06,944 --> 00:10:08,613
would care about
this old-timey bullshit
198
00:10:08,715 --> 00:10:10,443
is if you shot
a TikTok
trying to jam
199
00:10:10,545 --> 00:10:13,613
one of those Jesus
kites up your
Christian dickhole.
200
00:10:13,715 --> 00:10:15,649
(BOTH GIGGLING)
201
00:10:15,751 --> 00:10:17,449
Asshole.
Thank you.
202
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:19,393
You know what, Randal?
I don't think
there's anything
203
00:10:19,495 --> 00:10:21,660
particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.
204
00:10:21,763 --> 00:10:25,232
Shah, blasphemy
and biting off
a bat's head
205
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,231
are as metal
as it gets.
206
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:29,099
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
207
00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,401
There were two men
who were crucified
with Jesus, Randal.
208
00:10:31,503 --> 00:10:32,866
(SIGHS) Holy fuck.
209
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:35,407
A good thief
and a bad thief.
210
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:36,739
If they were caught,
I'd say
211
00:10:36,841 --> 00:10:38,276
that makes them both
bad thieves.
212
00:10:38,378 --> 00:10:39,841
The bad thief said,
213
00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:42,207
"If you are really
the son of God,
214
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:45,013
"get us down from here
and save us."
215
00:10:45,115 --> 00:10:47,018
So why is this
guy called
"The bad thief"?
216
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,784
Call him "The practical
thief with common
fucking sense."
217
00:10:49,886 --> 00:10:52,351
Ah. But the good
thief said,
218
00:10:52,453 --> 00:10:56,924
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
219
00:10:57,026 --> 00:10:59,192
What the fuck
are butt thieves?
220
00:10:59,294 --> 00:11:02,062
Uh, well,
then the good
thief said,
221
00:11:02,164 --> 00:11:04,635
"Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."
222
00:11:04,737 --> 00:11:06,331
And Jesus said
to the good thief,
223
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:09,309
"Today, you shall be
with me in paradise."
224
00:11:09,411 --> 00:11:11,542
And Paradise
is a strip club.
225
00:11:11,645 --> 00:11:13,747
It's not a strip
club, Randal.
226
00:11:14,844 --> 00:11:16,847
It's Heaven.
(SCOFFS)
227
00:11:16,949 --> 00:11:19,180
So the moral of your
never ending story is,
228
00:11:19,282 --> 00:11:21,852
even in Heaven,
it's all about
who you know.
229
00:11:21,954 --> 00:11:24,153
(INHALES SHARPLY)
The moral of the story
230
00:11:24,255 --> 00:11:26,489
is if you didn't
go to Heaven
as a guest of Jesus,
231
00:11:26,591 --> 00:11:27,758
like the good thief,
232
00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:29,661
where did the bad
thief go, Randal?
233
00:11:29,763 --> 00:11:31,697
Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,
234
00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:34,201
but how is it
blasphemy
to remind a guy
235
00:11:34,303 --> 00:11:35,665
he's the son
of God?
236
00:11:35,768 --> 00:11:37,330
Maybe the bad
thief thought
237
00:11:37,432 --> 00:11:39,031
Jesus had
a Bourne Identity
thing going on,
238
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,572
like Jesus fell
off a boat,
239
00:11:40,674 --> 00:11:42,441
hit his head
and caught amnesia.
240
00:11:42,543 --> 00:11:44,475
He was born
in a manger.
241
00:11:44,577 --> 00:11:46,039
Now he's
Bourne again.
242
00:11:46,141 --> 00:11:49,680
Matt Damon is
Jesus Bourne in...
243
00:11:49,782 --> 00:11:51,747
The Bourne Nativity.
(CHUCKLES)
244
00:11:51,850 --> 00:11:53,652
Heavenly Father,
I beseech thee,
245
00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:56,086
please smite
this braying heretic.
246
00:11:56,919 --> 00:11:58,858
(BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh.
247
00:12:00,657 --> 00:12:02,158
Are you okay?
248
00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:05,197
No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.
249
00:12:05,299 --> 00:12:06,332
Stop teasing me.
250
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,665
I'm not teasing, I...
251
00:12:08,768 --> 00:12:10,503
I can't catch
my breath, man.
252
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,134
Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?
253
00:12:12,236 --> 00:12:14,066
What is this,
a Tinder date?
Get off of me.
254
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,642
You said you
can't breathe.
255
00:12:15,744 --> 00:12:18,037
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I can breathe. I just...
256
00:12:18,139 --> 00:12:19,237
I can't catch
my breath.
257
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,577
What are you doing
with your arm?
258
00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,141
I'm trying to breathe.
259
00:12:22,243 --> 00:12:23,943
You're really
sweating, Randal.
260
00:12:24,045 --> 00:12:25,519
It's hot in here, man.
261
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:27,117
Can we open the door?
I got to...
262
00:12:28,784 --> 00:12:30,120
Mr. Dante!
263
00:12:30,852 --> 00:12:32,691
Oh, shit!
264
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:34,754
I need an ambulance
at the QuickStop.
265
00:12:34,856 --> 00:12:36,797
(SIREN BLARING)
266
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:39,991
WOMAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM)
Dr. Ladenheim,
267
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,696
report to the ER.
268
00:12:41,798 --> 00:12:43,263
Dr. Ladenheim...
269
00:12:43,366 --> 00:12:45,234
You had to call
an ambulance,
didn't you?
270
00:12:45,336 --> 00:12:47,903
I just ate too much
fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.
271
00:12:48,005 --> 00:12:50,168
Well, if you know
what's wrong,
272
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,838
then I guess
I can go home.
273
00:12:51,940 --> 00:12:53,542
Are you the doctor?
274
00:12:53,644 --> 00:12:55,144
I'm the doctor.
275
00:12:55,246 --> 00:12:57,281
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.
276
00:12:57,384 --> 00:13:00,550
(CACKLING)
277
00:13:00,652 --> 00:13:02,081
What in the fuck?
278
00:13:02,183 --> 00:13:03,687
I apologize
for my wardrobe.
279
00:13:03,790 --> 00:13:05,250
I just came from
a costume ball.
280
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,758
Listen, Doc,
I'm okay. I just...
281
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:09,726
I can't catch
my breath is all.
282
00:13:09,828 --> 00:13:11,225
On a scale
of one to ten,
283
00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:12,530
how bad would you say
your pain level is?
284
00:13:12,632 --> 00:13:13,531
RANDAL:
My pain level?
285
00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:14,963
Like a negative three.
286
00:13:15,065 --> 00:13:16,603
Well, you're
doing it
all wrong.
287
00:13:16,705 --> 00:13:17,767
You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain
288
00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:19,639
when you have
a heart attack.
289
00:13:19,741 --> 00:13:21,166
Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?
290
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,841
No, that's not
what I said.
291
00:13:22,943 --> 00:13:24,202
You misunderstood me.
Oh, thank Christ.
292
00:13:24,305 --> 00:13:25,576
You're having
a heart attack
293
00:13:25,678 --> 00:13:27,309
right now
as we speak,
294
00:13:27,411 --> 00:13:30,045
a massive one,
so we have to act
pretty quickly.
295
00:13:30,147 --> 00:13:32,011
I just wish
I wasn't
so hung over.
296
00:13:32,113 --> 00:13:34,048
(SIGHS)
I'm kidding.
297
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:36,019
I'm gonna go
get all glammed up
298
00:13:36,121 --> 00:13:37,621
for our big date
and I'll see you
in the OR.
299
00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:39,054
Look at me.
Uh-huh.
300
00:13:39,156 --> 00:13:40,490
Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?
301
00:13:40,592 --> 00:13:41,658
Good. All right.
302
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,323
He's not
gonna make it.
303
00:13:43,425 --> 00:13:45,763
Jesus, could someone
page the Good Witch?
304
00:13:45,865 --> 00:13:47,692
What's next,
a fucking Munchkin?
305
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:51,032
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Shave and a haircut
two bits.
306
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,973
Shave and a haircut
two bits.
307
00:13:55,241 --> 00:13:57,139
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I see that you met
Dr. Ladenheim.
308
00:13:57,241 --> 00:14:01,146
And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.
309
00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:04,718
Surgery? No.
The doctor just said
I'm going to the OR.
310
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,951
Right! Which is short
for operating room
311
00:14:07,053 --> 00:14:09,885
where they do...
Ding, ding, ding,
surgery!
312
00:14:09,988 --> 00:14:11,517
She gotta get
into your heart.
313
00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:13,789
Uh, is the doctor
gonna crack
his chest open?
314
00:14:13,891 --> 00:14:15,588
Fuck.
No, no, no.
315
00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,292
She's gonna thread
a camera through
his femoral artery
316
00:14:17,394 --> 00:14:20,028
up to his ticker
through a very
small incision.
317
00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:21,894
Where does
she make this incision?
318
00:14:21,996 --> 00:14:22,962
In the groin.
319
00:14:23,064 --> 00:14:24,970
The groin?
Come on.
320
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,604
So I gotta shave you.
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
321
00:14:26,706 --> 00:14:28,305
Or I get
to shave you,
322
00:14:28,407 --> 00:14:31,142
depending on how much
you love your job
and I love mine.
323
00:14:31,244 --> 00:14:34,842
So, as the wife
says at 10:00 p.m.
after Dateline,
324
00:14:34,944 --> 00:14:36,345
every single week,
325
00:14:37,452 --> 00:14:39,051
take off your pants.
326
00:14:40,181 --> 00:14:42,254
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
327
00:14:42,356 --> 00:14:43,649
(SIGHS)
328
00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:51,665
I gotta shave
your groin, sir,
so underwear too.
329
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,864
First, can we
establish geography?
330
00:14:53,966 --> 00:14:55,595
Like, where is
the groin to you?
331
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,298
Where's the groin
to me?
332
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,171
What is this,
a metaphysical question?
333
00:15:00,273 --> 00:15:02,200
We're running
out of time here
to save your life.
334
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,509
So come on,
let's go.
335
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,438
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
336
00:15:05,540 --> 00:15:07,547
Can you avert
your eyes,
block your ears
337
00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:09,179
and sing something,
please?
338
00:15:09,281 --> 00:15:11,276
Oh, for God sakes.
What do you
want me to sing?
339
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,915
Not you, him.
Oh, right.
340
00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:14,379
All right,
here's the deal,
341
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,319
Nurse Jackie.
(DANTE HUMMING)
342
00:15:15,421 --> 00:15:16,854
Mmm.
343
00:15:16,956 --> 00:15:18,651
I got a really
small dick, okay?
344
00:15:18,753 --> 00:15:21,961
I promise you,
it's nothing
I've not seen before
345
00:15:22,063 --> 00:15:24,223
because I work
in pediatrics.
(DANTE HUMMING)
346
00:15:24,326 --> 00:15:25,865
If I take off
my underwear,
347
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:28,227
everyone in the ER is
gonna see my little dick
348
00:15:28,329 --> 00:15:30,136
including my
friend here,
349
00:15:30,238 --> 00:15:31,903
who thinks I got
a giant cock 'cause
I've been lying to him
350
00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:33,903
about it since
we were 12.
(GRUNTS)
351
00:15:34,006 --> 00:15:35,840
Is this a long
fable, Aesop?
352
00:15:35,942 --> 00:15:37,072
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,
353
00:15:37,174 --> 00:15:39,174
give you a little
more privacy...
354
00:15:39,276 --> 00:15:41,311
There you go.
Oh, thanks for that.
355
00:15:43,183 --> 00:15:45,151
Unfortunately,
this is as far
as you can go
356
00:15:45,253 --> 00:15:48,318
but we do have a waiting
room that's right
down this hall.
357
00:15:49,958 --> 00:15:51,420
I'll be right here
when you get out, man.
358
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:53,788
You got this.
(SNIFFLES)
359
00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:55,120
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
360
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:57,360
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
361
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:08,502
♪ You got an idea
We can rock the night
362
00:16:08,604 --> 00:16:10,503
PARAMEDIC:
We've got a female
with multiple
363
00:16:10,605 --> 00:16:12,205
C-spine complications,
internal bleeding
364
00:16:12,307 --> 00:16:13,746
and multiple
lacerations.
365
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:16,248
Blood pressure,
100 over seven...
366
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,613
♪ Let's both make a promise
That we can't say... ♪
367
00:16:21,221 --> 00:16:23,181
ER NURSE:
We're losing her.
Starting CPR.
368
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:26,285
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
369
00:16:26,387 --> 00:16:29,029
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
370
00:16:31,592 --> 00:16:33,126
DR. LADENHEIM: (GASPS)
Why has he still
371
00:16:33,228 --> 00:16:35,035
got his
underpants on?
372
00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:37,230
How am I supposed
to get to his
femoral artery
373
00:16:37,332 --> 00:16:38,937
if he's wearing
Squeezies?
374
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,334
MALE NURSE:
(SPUTTERS)
I told him,
375
00:16:40,436 --> 00:16:41,873
but he's got some
body shame issues.
376
00:16:41,975 --> 00:16:43,104
(DR. LADENHEIM SIGHS)
Look, Doc,
377
00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,369
I got a really
small dick.
378
00:16:44,472 --> 00:16:46,176
I'm trying
to save your life
379
00:16:46,279 --> 00:16:47,438
and you're worried
about your
little dick?
380
00:16:47,541 --> 00:16:48,413
We don't have
time for this.
381
00:16:48,515 --> 00:16:49,882
Whoa!
382
00:16:49,984 --> 00:16:53,652
(SOBBING)
This is all
my fault.
383
00:16:53,754 --> 00:16:55,721
No, it is not, Elias.
384
00:16:55,824 --> 00:16:59,024
I prayed to God
to smite Randal
385
00:16:59,126 --> 00:17:03,494
so Jesus
attacked his heart
at my command.
386
00:17:03,597 --> 00:17:04,997
(SOBBING)
387
00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:07,628
Randal's mother
had heart
trouble, too.
388
00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:10,395
(SNIFFLES) No,
I gotta make
Jesus reverse this.
389
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,472
Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.
390
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,139
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
391
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:18,504
Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your
gentle servant.
392
00:17:18,606 --> 00:17:21,606
Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.
393
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,682
Remember the words
of the good thief.
394
00:17:24,784 --> 00:17:26,950
Jesus did no wrong,
395
00:17:27,052 --> 00:17:30,222
whereas we are
but thieves.
396
00:17:31,322 --> 00:17:34,058
DR. LADENHEIM: A-ha.
What's up, Doc?
397
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,762
I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo
398
00:17:36,864 --> 00:17:38,027
that you're
a superhero fan,
399
00:17:38,129 --> 00:17:39,532
so you might
appreciate this.
400
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:40,832
Uh-huh.
You know,
401
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,331
they have a name
for the type
402
00:17:42,433 --> 00:17:43,634
of heart attack
you're having
right now.
403
00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:45,133
Really? Okay.
404
00:17:45,235 --> 00:17:47,138
They call it
the Widow-Maker.
405
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,306
Now, doesn't
that sound like
some bad guy
406
00:17:49,408 --> 00:17:51,504
that Ranger Danger
has to fight?
(CHUCKLES)
407
00:17:51,606 --> 00:17:53,878
Why do they call it
the Widow-Maker?
408
00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:55,677
Because in 80%
of the cases
409
00:17:55,779 --> 00:17:58,314
when there's 100%
occlusion like what
you have now?
410
00:17:58,417 --> 00:18:01,486
Hands down,
patient always
dies, always.
411
00:18:01,589 --> 00:18:03,022
Oh, fuck.
412
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,751
But don't worry,
you're gonna
be in the 20%
413
00:18:04,853 --> 00:18:07,286
because keeping
you alive is good
for my brand.
414
00:18:07,388 --> 00:18:09,226
Now, if you
excuse me,
415
00:18:09,329 --> 00:18:11,259
I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch
416
00:18:11,361 --> 00:18:13,032
and I'm gonna make
a little magic,
417
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,197
but I could use
all the help
that we can get.
418
00:18:15,299 --> 00:18:16,835
So, if you remember
any prayers
419
00:18:16,937 --> 00:18:18,533
from when you
were a kid,
420
00:18:18,635 --> 00:18:19,936
now would be
a terrific time
to dust those off.
421
00:18:20,038 --> 00:18:21,871
(RANDAL GROANS SOFTLY)
422
00:18:21,973 --> 00:18:24,202
Are you there, Crom?
423
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,177
It's me, Randal.
424
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,445
(ECHOES SLIGHTLY)
Please don't let me die.
425
00:18:30,784 --> 00:18:32,185
He won't answer me.
426
00:18:34,415 --> 00:18:36,222
After all this time...
427
00:18:37,154 --> 00:18:39,652
devoting my life
to God.
428
00:18:39,754 --> 00:18:43,228
Jesus has abandoned
all of us at QuickStop.
429
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:46,527
I think Jesus
was always more
of a Wawa guy.
430
00:18:46,629 --> 00:18:49,895
(SIGHS) Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
431
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,838
I think I wasted
my life believing
in bullshit.
432
00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:56,338
I've been conned.
433
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,475
Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty
434
00:18:59,577 --> 00:19:03,346
to a fictional
fucking phantom.
And for what?
435
00:19:03,448 --> 00:19:05,312
In my darkest hour
when I need him most,
436
00:19:05,414 --> 00:19:08,188
the Lord totally
ghosts me.
437
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:13,758
Well, to hell
with all that
made up Jesus jive.
438
00:19:13,860 --> 00:19:15,492
(NECKLACE CLATTERS)
439
00:19:16,593 --> 00:19:19,557
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Save Randal
this night,
440
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:22,334
and I will swear
my soul to you,
441
00:19:22,967 --> 00:19:25,166
oh, sweet Satan.
442
00:19:25,268 --> 00:19:26,834
Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.
443
00:19:26,936 --> 00:19:30,603
I mean, isn't he kind
of like the Optimus
Prime of evil?
444
00:19:30,705 --> 00:19:32,570
You don't have to
condescend to me.
445
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,475
You can just
say Megatron.
446
00:19:34,577 --> 00:19:36,975
I'm kind of
a Transformers virgin.
447
00:19:37,817 --> 00:19:39,378
(SIGHS) Well,
448
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,449
I'm an actual
virgin,
449
00:19:41,551 --> 00:19:43,821
so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.
450
00:19:43,923 --> 00:19:46,358
For what?
Evil.
451
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:50,296
And butt
sex probably.
452
00:19:52,363 --> 00:19:54,433
Do you have any lube?
Are you...
453
00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:55,868
No!
454
00:19:55,971 --> 00:19:57,966
(LOUDLY) I don't
deserve lube!
455
00:19:58,068 --> 00:19:59,905
Take me, Satan!
456
00:20:00,007 --> 00:20:01,270
Jesus! Pull up
your pants.
457
00:20:01,372 --> 00:20:03,107
Make me
your concubine!
Jesus...
458
00:20:03,209 --> 00:20:04,403
Pull up your pants.
No, stop it.
459
00:20:04,505 --> 00:20:06,142
I have
to fuck Satan.
460
00:20:06,245 --> 00:20:09,509
And that's when,
I shit you not,
461
00:20:09,611 --> 00:20:12,745
Luke fuckin' Skywalker
shows up.
462
00:20:12,848 --> 00:20:14,616
DR. LADENHEIM: Uh-huh.
And I'm talking about
463
00:20:14,718 --> 00:20:17,585
the young, fuckable Luke
from Return of the Jedi,
464
00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:20,226
not the Gran Torino,
"Get off my lawn"
465
00:20:20,328 --> 00:20:22,995
Luke from The Last Jedi.
DR. LADENHEIM: Okay.
466
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,864
Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.
467
00:20:24,966 --> 00:20:26,725
Uh-huh.
During your thorough
468
00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:28,494
retelling of
The Star Wars Show...
469
00:20:28,597 --> 00:20:30,400
The Mandalorian,
season two.
470
00:20:30,502 --> 00:20:32,335
...I was able to get
the stent in place.
471
00:20:32,437 --> 00:20:33,932
So this is where
I need your help now.
472
00:20:34,034 --> 00:20:35,908
I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do
473
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,306
is tell me
when you feel
474
00:20:37,408 --> 00:20:39,108
the pressure lets up.
All right?
475
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:41,010
Let's do this, McDreamy.
476
00:20:41,112 --> 00:20:42,648
"This is The Way."
477
00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:44,150
The way to what?
478
00:20:44,252 --> 00:20:46,512
Oh, that's a saying
from The Mandalorian.
479
00:20:46,615 --> 00:20:49,319
Huh?
The Star Wars Show.
480
00:20:49,421 --> 00:20:50,816
Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause
481
00:20:50,919 --> 00:20:52,685
on all your pop culture
references for a minute
482
00:20:52,787 --> 00:20:55,488
just until we open
the stent on three.
483
00:20:55,590 --> 00:20:58,430
One, two, three!
(GASPING)
484
00:20:58,929 --> 00:21:00,165
Oh!
485
00:21:00,267 --> 00:21:04,334
Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.
486
00:21:04,436 --> 00:21:06,171
Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?
487
00:21:06,273 --> 00:21:08,306
Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.
488
00:21:08,408 --> 00:21:11,210
You're a better doctor
than Doctor Strange
489
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:14,309
and Doctor Zaius
combined.
Doctor who?
490
00:21:14,412 --> 00:21:16,282
Oh, no, I don't
watch that show,
491
00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:20,113
but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.
492
00:21:20,215 --> 00:21:21,516
(LAUGHS)
493
00:21:21,618 --> 00:21:23,789
"Mazel tov!"
As the Chinese say.
494
00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:25,122
Thank you, Doctor.
495
00:21:25,225 --> 00:21:27,591
Thank you for
saving my life.
496
00:21:27,693 --> 00:21:30,563
You're like the Batman
of heart surgery.
(CHUCKLES)
497
00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:31,789
Yeah?
498
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:33,163
(SPEAKING GRUFFLY)
With great power
499
00:21:33,265 --> 00:21:34,395
comes great
responsibility.
500
00:21:34,497 --> 00:21:36,369
What the fuck
was that?
501
00:21:39,669 --> 00:21:41,537
You're alive!
DANTE: You're alive!
502
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,938
Are you okay?
If that was
a heart attack,
503
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,940
I'll take another one.
That shit was easy.
(CHUCKLES)
504
00:21:47,042 --> 00:21:49,842
Okay, you must be
on a lot of drugs
right now.
505
00:21:49,944 --> 00:21:51,876
No, they didn't
give me
nothing in there.
506
00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,547
I had to do
the whole
thing sober.
507
00:21:53,649 --> 00:21:56,450
He's high as a kite
on fentanyl.
508
00:21:56,552 --> 00:21:59,257
Kite imagery,
very cool.
509
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,752
See, Randal,
kites are in the air.
510
00:22:01,855 --> 00:22:03,526
Stop with the
fucking kites.
511
00:22:03,629 --> 00:22:04,923
DR. LADENHEIM:
One more thing,
Mr. Graves,
512
00:22:05,026 --> 00:22:07,894
since you were really
preoccupied about it,
513
00:22:07,996 --> 00:22:12,368
so much so that
you wasted time
and nearly died,
514
00:22:12,470 --> 00:22:14,306
your penis is not
that small.
515
00:22:14,408 --> 00:22:16,508
It's not that big,
but it's not that small.
516
00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:19,339
(CHUCKLES)
That's the best
news I heard all day.
517
00:22:19,441 --> 00:22:20,743
(CHUCKLING WEAKLY)
518
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:25,443
DANTE: Is he gonna
be okay?
519
00:22:25,545 --> 00:22:26,711
How do I help?
520
00:22:26,814 --> 00:22:28,352
Well, if you care
about him,
521
00:22:28,454 --> 00:22:30,215
you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.
522
00:22:30,317 --> 00:22:32,920
The guy's got more
cholesterol in his
arteries than blood.
523
00:22:33,022 --> 00:22:35,456
Got it. From now on,
I'm only gonna
order him food
524
00:22:35,559 --> 00:22:37,060
off the vegan
menu at Mooby's.
525
00:22:37,162 --> 00:22:38,898
Him and you.
Me?
526
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,199
If you're around
his age
527
00:22:40,301 --> 00:22:41,796
and eat the same diet
as your friend,
528
00:22:41,898 --> 00:22:44,065
you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.
529
00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,666
Will do.
530
00:22:45,768 --> 00:22:47,272
But here's something
I want you to keep
531
00:22:47,374 --> 00:22:49,136
an eye out for
as regards to Randal.
532
00:22:49,238 --> 00:22:50,606
Okay.
533
00:22:50,709 --> 00:22:52,738
Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression
534
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,646
after they've had
a heart attack.
535
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,678
Now your friend might
sound or act differently
now because
536
00:22:56,781 --> 00:22:59,249
he's come face to face
with his own mortality.
537
00:22:59,351 --> 00:23:01,613
So, for the next
few months,
538
00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,717
do whatever
you can do
539
00:23:03,819 --> 00:23:06,989
to help Randal
keep his spirits up.
540
00:23:07,092 --> 00:23:08,291
All right?
541
00:23:08,393 --> 00:23:10,595
Now, my bill
is in the mail.
542
00:23:13,831 --> 00:23:15,096
(WHATEVER IT TAKES
BY LISA DALBELLO PLAYING)
543
00:23:15,198 --> 00:23:17,035
Judgy.
544
00:23:17,137 --> 00:23:18,438
♪ Whatever it takes
545
00:23:20,339 --> 00:23:22,475
♪ I know I can make it
546
00:23:24,708 --> 00:23:26,941
♪ I know
I can make it through
547
00:23:28,146 --> 00:23:29,449
(SONG FADES)
548
00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:34,787
I brought you a hat.
549
00:23:34,889 --> 00:23:36,148
Yeah. Thanks.
550
00:23:37,786 --> 00:23:38,917
I can't believe
you're still awake
551
00:23:39,019 --> 00:23:40,387
after the day
you've been through.
552
00:23:40,489 --> 00:23:43,529
Yeah, I can't sleep.
553
00:23:44,825 --> 00:23:46,498
There was only
a 20% chance
554
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,594
I was gonna make it out
of that OR alive tonight.
555
00:23:49,696 --> 00:23:51,733
Hmm. Is that right?
556
00:23:51,836 --> 00:23:54,568
I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying
557
00:23:54,671 --> 00:23:56,641
any time I leave
my apartment.
558
00:23:57,307 --> 00:23:59,444
But today,
559
00:23:59,546 --> 00:24:03,245
there was an 80% chance
everything for me
560
00:24:03,347 --> 00:24:05,012
was just gonna stop.
561
00:24:06,417 --> 00:24:08,181
There was an 80% chance
562
00:24:08,283 --> 00:24:10,083
you and I were never
gonna talk about
Star Wars again.
563
00:24:11,786 --> 00:24:13,325
There was
an 80% chance
564
00:24:13,427 --> 00:24:15,060
I would never know
for a medical fact,
565
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,459
I got a normal-sized dick.
566
00:24:17,561 --> 00:24:19,263
You always said
it was huge.
567
00:24:19,366 --> 00:24:20,729
I was gonna miss
a lot of shit
568
00:24:20,831 --> 00:24:22,931
if you didn't call
that ambulance today.
569
00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:26,631
You saved
my life, man.
570
00:24:26,733 --> 00:24:28,440
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh.
571
00:24:28,542 --> 00:24:31,175
I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.
572
00:24:31,277 --> 00:24:32,276
DANTE:
Come on, man.
573
00:24:32,378 --> 00:24:34,508
What are you
talking about?
574
00:24:34,610 --> 00:24:35,708
When I was lying there,
575
00:24:35,810 --> 00:24:38,683
wondering if
I was gonna die,
576
00:24:38,785 --> 00:24:42,555
I saw the whole
movie of my life
flash before my eyes.
577
00:24:44,156 --> 00:24:45,525
You know what?
578
00:24:46,258 --> 00:24:48,088
It sucked. (SCOFFS)
579
00:24:49,725 --> 00:24:52,993
I always thought,
hoped...
580
00:24:53,095 --> 00:24:57,269
that my life
was building
towards something.
581
00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:59,501
Turns out it was
just the hospital.
582
00:24:59,603 --> 00:25:00,601
What are you
talking about?
583
00:25:00,703 --> 00:25:02,903
We built our
own business.
584
00:25:03,006 --> 00:25:05,576
So I co-own
a convenience
store. Big deal.
585
00:25:05,678 --> 00:25:08,379
I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.
586
00:25:08,481 --> 00:25:10,580
I never fell
in love like you.
587
00:25:10,682 --> 00:25:12,044
If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,
588
00:25:12,147 --> 00:25:15,520
only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.
589
00:25:15,622 --> 00:25:19,555
I mean, look
at me, man,
I'm almost 50.
590
00:25:19,657 --> 00:25:21,358
I sit around
and watch the same
591
00:25:21,461 --> 00:25:23,288
stupid movies
over and over.
592
00:25:23,997 --> 00:25:25,197
(SIGHS)
593
00:25:25,299 --> 00:25:27,259
The fuck is
wrong with me?
594
00:25:28,101 --> 00:25:29,929
I don't know.
595
00:25:30,031 --> 00:25:31,801
You know so much
about all that stuff.
596
00:25:31,903 --> 00:25:34,002
I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.
597
00:25:41,983 --> 00:25:43,209
Holy shit.
598
00:25:44,282 --> 00:25:45,343
You're right.
599
00:25:48,818 --> 00:25:51,182
I could make
a pretty cool movie.
600
00:25:51,284 --> 00:25:53,922
I've been
watching movies
all my life,
601
00:25:54,024 --> 00:25:55,859
I've seen all
these people
tell their stories
602
00:25:55,961 --> 00:25:58,526
and never once
thought about
trying to tell mine.
603
00:25:58,628 --> 00:25:59,957
Well, fuck
that, man.
604
00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,764
Since I almost
died tonight,
605
00:26:01,866 --> 00:26:04,335
now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.
606
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,371
So, no more
watching movies
607
00:26:06,473 --> 00:26:08,135
because when
I get out of here...
608
00:26:09,606 --> 00:26:12,341
I'm gonna make
a movie!
609
00:26:12,443 --> 00:26:14,075
(MACHINE BEEPING)
610
00:26:18,580 --> 00:26:19,981
DANTE: A movie?
611
00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,752
Don't you have to go to
film school or something?
612
00:26:21,854 --> 00:26:25,285
It's like 75 G's a year
to go to NYU Film School.
613
00:26:25,387 --> 00:26:27,919
And you know what
those kids pay
all that money for?
614
00:26:28,022 --> 00:26:30,462
I don't know.
To watch movies.
615
00:26:30,564 --> 00:26:33,259
I worked in a video
store for 20 years
616
00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:35,765
where I sat around
and watched
movies all day, too.
617
00:26:35,868 --> 00:26:39,230
So basically,
I went to my own
film school.
618
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:42,301
Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,
619
00:26:42,403 --> 00:26:44,708
doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.
620
00:26:44,810 --> 00:26:46,708
(SCOFFS) Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.
621
00:26:46,810 --> 00:26:48,813
Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?
622
00:26:48,915 --> 00:26:52,581
I'm not saying
I'm gonna make
a movie as good as him,
623
00:26:52,684 --> 00:26:54,047
but I'm not good
at sex either,
624
00:26:54,150 --> 00:26:56,086
and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.
625
00:26:56,188 --> 00:26:57,184
(SCOFFS)
626
00:27:05,027 --> 00:27:06,659
DANTE: You wanna
shoot a movie here,
627
00:27:06,761 --> 00:27:08,393
at the QuickStop?
628
00:27:08,495 --> 00:27:10,568
Yeah, I've seen
convenience stores
in flicks before,
629
00:27:10,670 --> 00:27:12,601
but I've never seen
an entire flick
630
00:27:12,703 --> 00:27:14,132
set in
a convenience store.
631
00:27:14,234 --> 00:27:16,005
Because who would
wanna watch that?
632
00:27:16,107 --> 00:27:18,137
I mean, it's my life
and I barely
wanna live it.
633
00:27:18,239 --> 00:27:20,807
This movie's meant
to memorialize
my life.
634
00:27:20,909 --> 00:27:22,140
And since
I spent the last
635
00:27:22,242 --> 00:27:23,576
30 years of my life
working here...
636
00:27:23,678 --> 00:27:25,451
Oh. Working?
637
00:27:25,553 --> 00:27:27,583
I got plenty of
convenience stories
638
00:27:27,685 --> 00:27:29,180
to put into
a screenplay.
639
00:27:29,282 --> 00:27:31,149
Convenience Stories.
Good title.
640
00:27:31,251 --> 00:27:32,951
Well, what kind of
convenience stories
641
00:27:33,053 --> 00:27:34,625
are we talking
about here?
642
00:27:34,727 --> 00:27:36,322
(LAUGHS)
Remember the time
we went to
643
00:27:36,424 --> 00:27:39,397
Julie Dwyer's funeral
and you knocked
the casket over?
644
00:27:39,499 --> 00:27:41,228
You knocked
the casket over.
645
00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:43,302
I did?
(SIGHS)
646
00:27:43,404 --> 00:27:45,001
Well, that's
a scene now.
647
00:27:45,103 --> 00:27:46,735
Or how about the time
the old guy
was jerking off
648
00:27:46,837 --> 00:27:48,538
in the bathroom
and dropped dead?
649
00:27:48,641 --> 00:27:50,202
That's totally
a scene, man.
650
00:27:50,304 --> 00:27:52,003
I mean, all the shit
you and I have said
651
00:27:52,105 --> 00:27:53,444
sitting at
this counter,
652
00:27:53,547 --> 00:27:55,043
these are all
scenes now, man.
653
00:27:55,145 --> 00:27:56,678
How about the time
you burned
the store down?
654
00:27:56,780 --> 00:27:58,177
Is that gonna
be a scene?
655
00:27:58,279 --> 00:27:59,581
I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.
656
00:27:59,683 --> 00:28:00,885
Uh-huh.
(DOOR OPENS)
657
00:28:02,322 --> 00:28:03,286
RANDAL: Hey, hey!
658
00:28:03,388 --> 00:28:04,955
Motley Crewneck.
659
00:28:06,286 --> 00:28:08,527
Anyone in your
Christian Crypto Club
660
00:28:08,629 --> 00:28:11,256
got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?
661
00:28:11,358 --> 00:28:13,225
It's called
the Crimson
Crypto Club now.
662
00:28:13,328 --> 00:28:15,799
Our first drops
gonna be all
crypto kites.
663
00:28:15,901 --> 00:28:17,667
Oh, put that
shit away,
Elon Muskrat.
664
00:28:17,769 --> 00:28:19,231
What do you guys
need a camera for?
665
00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:21,737
RANDAL: Mmm.
Randal wants
to make a movie.
666
00:28:21,839 --> 00:28:23,407
Ooh, like
a pornography movie?
667
00:28:23,509 --> 00:28:25,102
No, like
a movie-movie,
668
00:28:25,205 --> 00:28:27,509
one with actors
and a screenplay
669
00:28:27,611 --> 00:28:29,312
and Crafty. (LAUGHS)
670
00:28:29,414 --> 00:28:30,714
What's Crafty?
671
00:28:30,816 --> 00:28:32,351
That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out
672
00:28:32,453 --> 00:28:33,616
and practices
witchcraft,
673
00:28:33,719 --> 00:28:35,315
you little
devil worshipper.
674
00:28:36,090 --> 00:28:37,249
Cool.
675
00:28:37,352 --> 00:28:39,986
Crafty is where
you find all
the food on set.
676
00:28:40,088 --> 00:28:41,218
But if you're
shooting in here,
677
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,087
I guess the whole
store's Crafty.
678
00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:44,828
What's the movie
gonna be about?
679
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:46,528
Mmm, it's gonna
be about an hour
and a half.
680
00:28:46,630 --> 00:28:48,128
I hate long movies.
681
00:28:48,231 --> 00:28:50,600
It's about him
working here.
ELIAS: Wow.
682
00:28:50,703 --> 00:28:52,670
Meta. Never seen
a whole movie
683
00:28:52,772 --> 00:28:54,338
set in
a convenience
store before.
684
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,171
Right? Thank you.
685
00:28:56,273 --> 00:28:58,003
I'm gonna fill
the script with
all the weird shit
686
00:28:58,105 --> 00:28:59,376
me and Dante
have ever said
687
00:28:59,478 --> 00:29:00,510
or seen around here
688
00:29:00,612 --> 00:29:01,978
over the years.
Oh.
689
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:03,482
You should put
in that stuff
you used to say
690
00:29:03,584 --> 00:29:04,980
about the Death Star
contractors.
691
00:29:05,082 --> 00:29:07,752
(SCOFFS)
Get sued by Disney?
Fuck that.
692
00:29:07,855 --> 00:29:09,820
Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about
693
00:29:09,922 --> 00:29:11,920
other movies.
I want it to
be about me.
694
00:29:12,022 --> 00:29:13,655
It's my flick,
so I wanna write about
695
00:29:13,757 --> 00:29:15,322
the things that I do.
696
00:29:15,424 --> 00:29:17,555
Like, um, like how
we play hockey
on the rooftop.
697
00:29:17,657 --> 00:29:20,226
I've never seen
that done in a movie
or a TV show,
698
00:29:20,329 --> 00:29:22,797
even though
it's just
fucking practical.
699
00:29:22,900 --> 00:29:24,263
(LAUGHS) Remember
that fight
700
00:29:24,366 --> 00:29:25,602
where I hit you
in the face
with the bread?
701
00:29:25,704 --> 00:29:27,134
Ooh, that could
be a scene.
702
00:29:27,236 --> 00:29:29,103
Or the time
I spit water
on that old guy?
703
00:29:29,206 --> 00:29:31,540
That's, like,
the fucking
opening scene.
704
00:29:31,642 --> 00:29:33,207
Ooh, I got an idea.
705
00:29:33,309 --> 00:29:34,944
Maybe Jay and
Silent Bob
could be characters.
706
00:29:35,046 --> 00:29:37,341
That is the
dumbest idea
I've ever heard.
707
00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:38,881
DANTE: Well,
you're still
gonna have
708
00:29:38,983 --> 00:29:40,246
to get them involved
if you wanna set
709
00:29:40,348 --> 00:29:41,983
any of the scenes
in your old video store.
710
00:29:42,085 --> 00:29:43,888
All right.
Watch the
register, dawg.
711
00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:46,452
We got to go talk
to the Warner
Brothers.
712
00:29:47,959 --> 00:29:50,395
What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.
713
00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:52,060
Almost.
What happened
714
00:29:52,162 --> 00:29:54,059
is I was taking a shit
in the high grass
715
00:29:54,161 --> 00:29:55,467
when a rattlesnake
came up
716
00:29:55,570 --> 00:29:57,195
and bit me right
on the asshole.
717
00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,504
But like the good
friend he is,
718
00:29:59,606 --> 00:30:01,804
Dante sucked
the poison out.
719
00:30:01,906 --> 00:30:04,503
See? It happened
to them, too, man.
720
00:30:04,605 --> 00:30:06,610
Well, listen,
when we thought
you were dead, man,
721
00:30:06,712 --> 00:30:08,747
I felt really,
really bad
722
00:30:08,850 --> 00:30:10,174
'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out
723
00:30:10,277 --> 00:30:11,813
in front of this
store and stuff,
724
00:30:11,916 --> 00:30:14,051
I forgot to give
you something.
725
00:30:23,430 --> 00:30:24,862
Dental School?
726
00:30:24,964 --> 00:30:28,499
Me and Veggie Dick
rented that shit
in 1994,
727
00:30:28,601 --> 00:30:29,999
but we never
watched it
728
00:30:30,101 --> 00:30:32,297
'cause we didn't
have a VCR.
(CHUCKLES)
729
00:30:32,399 --> 00:30:34,705
But now,
you can put it
on the shelf
730
00:30:34,807 --> 00:30:37,072
in the video store.
Oh, yeah.
731
00:30:37,175 --> 00:30:40,143
Uh, the video
store closed
ten years ago.
732
00:30:41,842 --> 00:30:43,108
It did?
733
00:30:43,210 --> 00:30:45,412
This was the
video store.
734
00:30:50,823 --> 00:30:52,186
Oh, yeah,
I'm getting senile
735
00:30:52,288 --> 00:30:53,991
and shit right there,
you know? (LAUGHS)
736
00:30:54,093 --> 00:30:57,062
So listen,
how much we owe
you for late fees?
737
00:30:57,164 --> 00:31:02,366
(SCOFFS) Uh, well,
let's see, a dollar
a day for what,
738
00:31:02,468 --> 00:31:05,462
26, 28 years?
739
00:31:05,564 --> 00:31:11,570
That's, like,
approximately...
$10,220.
740
00:31:13,546 --> 00:31:14,980
Oh, didn't rewind.
741
00:31:15,813 --> 00:31:19,413
$10,220 and 50 cents.
742
00:31:21,355 --> 00:31:23,014
You take crypto?
743
00:31:23,116 --> 00:31:24,583
You guys got crypto?
744
00:31:26,457 --> 00:31:27,559
No.
745
00:31:27,661 --> 00:31:28,957
If you never
watched it,
746
00:31:29,059 --> 00:31:30,521
why was it
not rewound?
Yeah.
747
00:31:30,624 --> 00:31:33,129
Hey, asshole,
I said we didn't
have a VCR.
748
00:31:33,231 --> 00:31:36,001
We watched it.
We held it up
to the light.
749
00:31:36,868 --> 00:31:38,133
(CHUCKLES)
Fucking Luddite.
750
00:31:38,235 --> 00:31:40,233
Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees
751
00:31:40,335 --> 00:31:43,203
on the 28-year-old copy
of Dental School
752
00:31:43,305 --> 00:31:44,840
if you let us shoot
a movie in here.
753
00:31:44,942 --> 00:31:47,073
Ooh, a pornography
movie?
754
00:31:47,175 --> 00:31:49,715
No, it's not
a porno movie.
755
00:31:49,817 --> 00:31:52,981
Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying
756
00:31:53,083 --> 00:31:57,587
'cause I am
the Clit Commander!
757
00:31:57,689 --> 00:31:59,021
Snootchie Bootchies.
758
00:31:59,123 --> 00:32:01,191
(7-ELEVEN NACHOS
BY FROGGY PLAYING)
759
00:32:04,058 --> 00:32:06,565
♪ I love nachos
760
00:32:06,667 --> 00:32:09,097
♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven
761
00:32:09,199 --> 00:32:11,198
♪ I know that
They're bad for me
762
00:32:11,300 --> 00:32:14,099
♪ When I eat them
I'm in heaven
763
00:32:14,201 --> 00:32:16,508
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
764
00:32:16,610 --> 00:32:18,840
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
765
00:32:18,942 --> 00:32:21,242
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
766
00:32:21,344 --> 00:32:24,412
♪ Liquid toppings
Taste so good ♪
767
00:32:29,390 --> 00:32:30,418
Goodnight.
768
00:32:31,018 --> 00:32:32,519
Thirty-seven?
769
00:32:36,697 --> 00:32:37,992
That's not
a scene, Randal.
770
00:32:38,094 --> 00:32:39,292
Stop writing it
right now.
771
00:32:39,394 --> 00:32:41,098
Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.
772
00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,662
(SHOUTING)
Shut the fuck up.
It's nighttime!
773
00:32:48,202 --> 00:32:50,609
DANTE: "In Convenience"?
774
00:32:50,711 --> 00:32:52,374
It's the story
of my life.
775
00:32:52,476 --> 00:32:54,272
Hundred and
sixty-eight pages
full of dick jokes,
776
00:32:54,374 --> 00:32:55,745
set in
a convenience store,
777
00:32:55,847 --> 00:32:57,377
written in one night.
778
00:32:57,479 --> 00:32:59,449
Maybe don't
tell people
that last part.
779
00:32:59,551 --> 00:33:02,085
I thought, you were
gonna call it
"Convenience Stories."
780
00:33:02,187 --> 00:33:04,282
Yeah, that
shit sounded
too precious.
781
00:33:04,384 --> 00:33:05,824
What am I,
Wes Anderson?
782
00:33:05,926 --> 00:33:07,186
(CHUCKLES) Not based
on this script.
783
00:33:07,288 --> 00:33:08,653
"There is only
one return
784
00:33:08,755 --> 00:33:10,990
"and it ain't
of the King,
it's of the Jedi."
785
00:33:11,092 --> 00:33:12,623
Hmm.
ELIAS: Hey.
786
00:33:12,725 --> 00:33:14,327
You said that
same thing
about return
787
00:33:14,429 --> 00:33:16,099
the day that
guy threw up
in Mooby's
788
00:33:16,201 --> 00:33:17,628
and you made
me clean it.
RANDAL: Yeah.
789
00:33:17,730 --> 00:33:19,166
Everything
in the script
is something
790
00:33:19,268 --> 00:33:20,364
either me or someone
I know said,
791
00:33:20,466 --> 00:33:21,872
I just made up
new names.
792
00:33:21,974 --> 00:33:23,069
What am I,
some kind of writer?
793
00:33:23,171 --> 00:33:24,568
(WHISPERING)
Ah, yes.
794
00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:26,540
Blockchain
would like
to understand
795
00:33:26,642 --> 00:33:28,639
why the two girls
are into this
"Dan-T" character
796
00:33:28,742 --> 00:33:31,144
when the Randy
character is
much funnier.
797
00:33:31,247 --> 00:33:32,751
Randy has been
asking himself
798
00:33:32,853 --> 00:33:34,314
the same question
his whole life.
799
00:33:34,416 --> 00:33:36,018
What's wrong
with Dan-T?
(SCOFFS)
800
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,151
Read his first scene
on page 37.
801
00:33:38,253 --> 00:33:39,685
DANTE: Are you
kidding me?
802
00:33:39,787 --> 00:33:41,121
I'm in this
convenience store
way more than you,
803
00:33:41,223 --> 00:33:42,421
but I don't come
into your
804
00:33:42,523 --> 00:33:44,257
convenience store
movie 'til page 37?
805
00:33:44,359 --> 00:33:46,290
I had a lot of
exposition to do.
806
00:33:46,392 --> 00:33:47,825
(SIGHS) "Enter Dan-T.
807
00:33:47,927 --> 00:33:50,396
"A hideous fuckin'
chud of a man."
What the fuck?
808
00:33:50,498 --> 00:33:52,770
RANDAL: Well,
maybe Dan-T's not you.
809
00:33:52,872 --> 00:33:54,169
Do you ever
think of that?
810
00:33:54,271 --> 00:33:56,472
"Dan-T's
hideous fuckin'
chud of a beard
811
00:33:56,574 --> 00:33:59,470
"doesn't suggest Tony
Stark so much as
a male crack whore
812
00:33:59,572 --> 00:34:01,408
"who is cosplaying
as Tony Stark."
813
00:34:01,510 --> 00:34:03,341
That's just
in the screen
direction.
814
00:34:03,443 --> 00:34:05,181
Nobody actually
calls Dan-T
815
00:34:05,283 --> 00:34:07,785
"a hideous
fuckin' chud."
To his face.
816
00:34:07,887 --> 00:34:08,985
I can't believe
you made me
817
00:34:09,087 --> 00:34:10,756
sign a non-disclosure
agreement,
818
00:34:10,858 --> 00:34:12,389
only to read that
I'm not even
819
00:34:12,491 --> 00:34:14,123
one of the main
characters in the
story of your life.
820
00:34:14,225 --> 00:34:15,520
I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,
821
00:34:15,622 --> 00:34:17,157
but I thought
I was at least
the Han.
822
00:34:17,259 --> 00:34:18,863
Oh, come on,
I'm the Han
823
00:34:18,965 --> 00:34:19,995
and the Luke,
right?
(SCOFFS)
824
00:34:20,097 --> 00:34:22,461
Then who am I,
the Chewie?
825
00:34:22,563 --> 00:34:24,365
I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?
826
00:34:24,467 --> 00:34:26,197
Unless this is Empire
then I'm the Lando
827
00:34:26,299 --> 00:34:27,870
and he's the Lobot.
828
00:34:27,972 --> 00:34:29,068
I'm not even
the Lobot?
829
00:34:29,170 --> 00:34:30,571
Which one's Lobot?
830
00:34:30,673 --> 00:34:31,942
He's the one with
the headphones
who looks like
831
00:34:32,044 --> 00:34:33,173
a dad who's trying
to be a DJ.
832
00:34:33,275 --> 00:34:34,672
The bald fucker
from Bespin
833
00:34:34,774 --> 00:34:36,344
who never
says nothing
the whole movie.
834
00:34:36,446 --> 00:34:38,382
Wouldn't that make
Silent Bob the Lobot?
835
00:34:38,484 --> 00:34:42,054
No. Jay and Silent
Bob are clearly the
C-3PO and R2-D2.
836
00:34:42,156 --> 00:34:43,714
I mean, they've
been here since
the first movie,
837
00:34:43,816 --> 00:34:45,749
which was
the last time
they were cool,
838
00:34:45,851 --> 00:34:47,858
but they've been
with the franchise
so long
839
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,157
they still give
them cameos
840
00:34:49,259 --> 00:34:50,523
and put them
on the lunchboxes.
841
00:34:50,625 --> 00:34:54,260
So if I'm not
Luke, Han,
Chewie, Lando,
842
00:34:54,362 --> 00:34:56,068
the droids
or the Lobot,
843
00:34:56,170 --> 00:34:57,868
then who the fuck
am I in your
Star Wars,
844
00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:59,867
Princess
fucking Leia?
No.
845
00:34:59,969 --> 00:35:01,133
You're the Dak.
846
00:35:01,235 --> 00:35:03,535
Who the fuck is Dak?
847
00:35:03,637 --> 00:35:05,072
He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner
848
00:35:05,174 --> 00:35:07,043
in the Battle of Hoth.
849
00:35:07,145 --> 00:35:08,408
You know,
the guy who's ready
850
00:35:08,510 --> 00:35:10,114
to take on the whole
Empire himself
851
00:35:10,216 --> 00:35:11,544
until the Empire kills
the shit out of him?
852
00:35:11,647 --> 00:35:14,985
(SCOFFS) Did Dak
even get an
action figure?
853
00:35:15,087 --> 00:35:17,015
Not in the classic
Kenner line, no.
854
00:35:17,117 --> 00:35:18,718
Because?
855
00:35:18,820 --> 00:35:20,385
Because he was
deemed unimportant
to the story.
856
00:35:20,488 --> 00:35:22,126
But that's just
bullshit, man.
857
00:35:22,228 --> 00:35:25,461
Without Dak,
Luke could
have never...
858
00:35:25,563 --> 00:35:29,366
Like, Dak was
the only guy
that's, like, uh...
859
00:35:29,468 --> 00:35:33,071
I mean, Dak was
plucky as shit, man,
just like you.
860
00:35:33,173 --> 00:35:35,136
Uh, I have a question
about the script.
861
00:35:35,238 --> 00:35:36,301
Great, more
fuckin' notes.
862
00:35:36,403 --> 00:35:38,210
Go ahead.
ELIAS: Yes.
863
00:35:38,312 --> 00:35:41,078
Uh, I have a problem
with the Friar
Fuck character,
864
00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:42,814
who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.
865
00:35:42,916 --> 00:35:45,578
Friar Fuck, uh,
loves Jesus,
866
00:35:45,681 --> 00:35:48,781
uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.
867
00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:50,384
And?
868
00:35:50,486 --> 00:35:53,288
And Elias is a born
again Satanist.
869
00:35:53,390 --> 00:35:55,127
Because it was Satan
who saved you
870
00:35:55,229 --> 00:35:57,587
when my prayers
fell on the deaf
ears of Jesus,
871
00:35:57,690 --> 00:35:59,657
the giant jerkoff.
(SPITTING)
872
00:35:59,759 --> 00:36:01,360
All right,
listen up,
Friar Fuck.
873
00:36:01,463 --> 00:36:02,693
I get that you
just broke up
874
00:36:02,795 --> 00:36:04,730
with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,
875
00:36:04,832 --> 00:36:06,938
and clearly you're
going through
some couture
876
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,634
and cosmetic stuff
because of it.
877
00:36:08,737 --> 00:36:10,570
But for the
first 36 years
of your life,
878
00:36:10,672 --> 00:36:13,542
you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,
879
00:36:13,644 --> 00:36:16,607
and that's the Elias
that I based
Friar Fuck on.
880
00:36:16,709 --> 00:36:18,410
Then this script
is based on lies.
881
00:36:18,512 --> 00:36:20,082
Welcome to
the movie biz.
882
00:36:20,184 --> 00:36:22,784
There's no truth
in this art!
883
00:36:22,886 --> 00:36:24,051
Jesus.
884
00:36:24,153 --> 00:36:26,550
Everyone's a critic.
885
00:36:26,652 --> 00:36:28,057
So, what do
we do next?
886
00:36:28,159 --> 00:36:29,722
What are you
asking Dak for?
887
00:36:29,824 --> 00:36:32,731
Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.
888
00:36:32,833 --> 00:36:34,558
That's your job.
Me?
889
00:36:34,661 --> 00:36:36,563
What do I know
about producing?
890
00:36:36,665 --> 00:36:38,298
Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.
891
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:39,697
I can't do
everything, man.
892
00:36:39,799 --> 00:36:41,767
All right. What does
a producer do?
893
00:36:41,869 --> 00:36:44,504
Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,
894
00:36:44,606 --> 00:36:47,173
secure a DP,
and most importantly,
895
00:36:47,275 --> 00:36:49,012
find us financing.
896
00:36:49,115 --> 00:36:52,083
What, I gotta
get money, too?
897
00:36:52,185 --> 00:36:53,343
How much are we
talking about here?
898
00:36:53,445 --> 00:36:55,718
Mmm, 25 grand.
899
00:36:55,820 --> 00:36:58,418
$25,000?
900
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:01,291
Well, technically,
it's $27,575
901
00:37:01,394 --> 00:37:03,193
but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.
902
00:37:03,295 --> 00:37:04,555
Where the fuck
am I supposed to find
903
00:37:04,657 --> 00:37:06,095
that kind of
money from?
904
00:37:06,198 --> 00:37:07,695
We can find that
kind of cash.
905
00:37:08,295 --> 00:37:09,761
What? How?
906
00:37:09,864 --> 00:37:11,364
We launch our
crypto kite
NFTs next month.
907
00:37:11,466 --> 00:37:13,071
So the Crimson Crypto Club
908
00:37:13,173 --> 00:37:14,268
could have a lot
of money to invest
909
00:37:14,370 --> 00:37:15,700
if the crypto
kites fly.
910
00:37:15,802 --> 00:37:17,637
RANDAL: Again
with the fucking kites.
911
00:37:17,740 --> 00:37:20,177
Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,
912
00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:22,309
not your make pretend
Matrix money,
913
00:37:22,411 --> 00:37:24,241
you fuckin'
kite fucker.
914
00:37:24,343 --> 00:37:26,782
I'm sick and tired
of the kite killing
attitude around here.
915
00:37:26,885 --> 00:37:27,913
(SCOFFING)
916
00:37:28,788 --> 00:37:30,748
(DOOR OPENS)
917
00:37:30,850 --> 00:37:32,554
RANDAL: Anyway,
back to the budget.
918
00:37:32,656 --> 00:37:33,954
What if we took
out a loan
against the store?
919
00:37:34,056 --> 00:37:35,357
A loan?
920
00:37:35,459 --> 00:37:37,262
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just
921
00:37:37,364 --> 00:37:38,623
slow down a minute
and think about
this first?
922
00:37:38,725 --> 00:37:40,725
Slow down?
I almost died, man.
923
00:37:40,827 --> 00:37:42,563
It doesn't get
any slower than that.
924
00:37:42,665 --> 00:37:45,267
I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.
925
00:37:45,369 --> 00:37:46,797
Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?
926
00:37:46,899 --> 00:37:48,370
You're the guy
who can never decide
927
00:37:48,472 --> 00:37:50,000
whether to shit
or get off the pot.
928
00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:52,341
Well, I don't
have time
for that anymore.
929
00:37:52,443 --> 00:37:54,343
From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks
930
00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:56,176
or what's the point
of being here?
931
00:37:56,278 --> 00:37:57,577
So, come on, man,
932
00:37:57,679 --> 00:37:59,676
get behind me
when I shit for once.
933
00:37:59,779 --> 00:38:02,279
So I can what,
wipe your ass?
934
00:38:02,381 --> 00:38:03,949
(SCOFFS)
935
00:38:04,051 --> 00:38:05,619
You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,
936
00:38:05,721 --> 00:38:08,085
but find someone else
to take your shit.
937
00:38:08,993 --> 00:38:09,993
(DOOR CLOSES)
938
00:38:10,095 --> 00:38:12,331
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
939
00:38:26,940 --> 00:38:30,782
BECKY: Well,
well, well,
here he is.
940
00:38:30,884 --> 00:38:32,582
The escape artist.
941
00:38:34,955 --> 00:38:37,049
I Sit on Your Grave.
942
00:38:37,151 --> 00:38:40,155
(CHUCKLES) Didn't
we have that movie
at the video store?
943
00:38:40,257 --> 00:38:41,952
I Spit on Your Grave.
944
00:38:42,054 --> 00:38:44,062
Hicks, you spit
on my grave
in a dream,
945
00:38:44,164 --> 00:38:45,696
you better wake up
and apologize.
946
00:38:45,798 --> 00:38:46,791
Ah...
947
00:38:46,893 --> 00:38:49,233
So this is a dream.
Uh, if it is,
948
00:38:49,335 --> 00:38:52,033
then you need to learn
to dream bigger.
949
00:38:52,135 --> 00:38:53,235
I mean, really,
950
00:38:53,338 --> 00:38:54,835
this is the best
that you can do?
951
00:38:55,908 --> 00:38:57,371
A cemetery?
952
00:38:57,474 --> 00:39:00,877
You can't dream
us into sex...
953
00:39:00,979 --> 00:39:02,447
on the beach...
954
00:39:03,113 --> 00:39:05,348
in Hawaii?
955
00:39:05,450 --> 00:39:07,644
Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.
956
00:39:07,746 --> 00:39:09,715
(GROANS)
I'm an old man.
957
00:39:09,817 --> 00:39:12,287
I'll have you know
that being dead only
958
00:39:12,389 --> 00:39:14,791
increases your
sex drive.
959
00:39:14,893 --> 00:39:15,894
(LAUGHS)
960
00:39:15,996 --> 00:39:18,624
The dead live
to fuck.
961
00:39:18,726 --> 00:39:20,765
So you have sex
in the afterlife?
962
00:39:20,867 --> 00:39:22,300
Hell's yeah.
963
00:39:22,403 --> 00:39:24,367
There's nothing to do
in Heaven except fuck.
964
00:39:24,469 --> 00:39:26,736
(SCOFFS)
That's what
makes it Heaven.
965
00:39:26,838 --> 00:39:29,137
I can't believe my
wife's having sex
with dead people.
966
00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:30,471
Famous dead people.
967
00:39:30,573 --> 00:39:32,104
I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.
968
00:39:32,206 --> 00:39:34,177
Bullshit. Name one
famous person you
fucked in Heaven.
969
00:39:34,279 --> 00:39:36,075
One. Okay.
(SMACKS LIPS)
970
00:39:36,177 --> 00:39:40,314
I have knocked boots
with the ghost
of Cleopatra, sir.
971
00:39:40,416 --> 00:39:42,550
Oh.
And Miles Davis
972
00:39:42,652 --> 00:39:45,083
and Frederick
Douglass,
together.
973
00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:48,320
George Washington...
What?
974
00:39:48,422 --> 00:39:50,361
Carver.
Oh.
975
00:39:50,463 --> 00:39:51,929
You know how much
I love peanut butter.
976
00:39:52,031 --> 00:39:53,930
True.
Who else?
977
00:39:54,032 --> 00:39:55,362
Um, Carl Sagan.
978
00:39:55,464 --> 00:39:57,669
Oh!
A real thinker.
979
00:39:57,771 --> 00:39:58,800
Um...
980
00:39:59,906 --> 00:40:01,667
Malcolm X.
981
00:40:01,769 --> 00:40:04,542
Malcolm triple X.
Oh, settle down.
982
00:40:04,644 --> 00:40:07,309
And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.
983
00:40:07,411 --> 00:40:09,745
Uh, yeah,
they're famous.
984
00:40:10,312 --> 00:40:11,912
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
985
00:40:16,521 --> 00:40:18,083
You think
I want this,
don't you?
986
00:40:19,853 --> 00:40:22,087
You carrying
the torch for me?
987
00:40:23,729 --> 00:40:26,028
I told you how
I feel about
romantic love, Hicks.
988
00:40:26,130 --> 00:40:27,694
Oh, I remember.
989
00:40:27,796 --> 00:40:30,334
You were very
convincing.
Mmm.
990
00:40:30,436 --> 00:40:32,229
Right up until the day
I proposed.
991
00:40:34,574 --> 00:40:36,671
We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.
992
00:40:36,773 --> 00:40:39,539
You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.
993
00:40:39,642 --> 00:40:40,839
So what do you
want me to do?
994
00:40:40,941 --> 00:40:42,874
You want me to just
forget about you?
995
00:40:42,976 --> 00:40:45,616
You were all
I ever dreamed about.
996
00:40:46,216 --> 00:40:47,486
Both of you.
997
00:40:49,047 --> 00:40:50,885
(BECKY SIGHS)
(TEARFULLY) Now...
998
00:40:52,388 --> 00:40:55,219
God, I'm so alone.
999
00:40:56,896 --> 00:40:57,928
(CRYING)
1000
00:40:58,030 --> 00:40:59,498
(SOFTLY) I know.
1001
00:41:00,794 --> 00:41:02,798
I know losing me
and Grace...
1002
00:41:03,937 --> 00:41:04,998
broke you.
1003
00:41:06,803 --> 00:41:09,136
But you don't know
how lucky you have it.
1004
00:41:09,238 --> 00:41:10,739
What?
1005
00:41:10,841 --> 00:41:13,904
The Book of Life
is closed
for the two of us.
1006
00:41:14,006 --> 00:41:16,777
But you... can still
turn a page.
1007
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,578
You get to keep writing
the story of your life.
1008
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,784
Why bother without you?
1009
00:41:22,886 --> 00:41:26,052
Because there are
more tales
to tell, Hicks.
1010
00:41:27,557 --> 00:41:29,690
As long as
you're alive,
1011
00:41:29,792 --> 00:41:32,289
you can always
start another chapter.
1012
00:41:33,929 --> 00:41:38,262
So live while you can,
love while you can.
1013
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:41,903
God damn it.
1014
00:41:44,373 --> 00:41:45,742
Dream bigger.
1015
00:41:47,244 --> 00:41:48,575
(SNIFFLES)
1016
00:41:48,678 --> 00:41:51,144
That all sounds
pretty romantic
1017
00:41:51,246 --> 00:41:54,285
coming from a girl
who doesn't believe
in romantic love.
1018
00:41:54,387 --> 00:41:56,250
I don't believe
in romantic love.
1019
00:41:56,352 --> 00:41:58,117
That's my girl.
1020
00:42:00,424 --> 00:42:01,890
But I do believe
in you.
1021
00:42:05,262 --> 00:42:06,928
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
1022
00:42:12,037 --> 00:42:13,033
(SIGHS)
1023
00:42:15,834 --> 00:42:18,005
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1024
00:42:30,824 --> 00:42:32,653
Hey, I wanna thank
you guys for having
me here today.
1025
00:42:32,755 --> 00:42:35,288
I've always wanted
to be an actor.
1026
00:42:35,390 --> 00:42:36,890
Nice.
1027
00:42:36,992 --> 00:42:41,598
I'm not even
supposed to be
here today!
1028
00:42:41,700 --> 00:42:43,193
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1029
00:42:43,295 --> 00:42:45,164
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1030
00:42:45,266 --> 00:42:48,039
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
(SOBBING)
1031
00:42:48,141 --> 00:42:50,575
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1032
00:42:50,677 --> 00:42:52,506
(STRAINED) I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
1033
00:42:52,608 --> 00:42:53,973
I'm not even supposed
1034
00:42:54,075 --> 00:42:57,680
to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.
1035
00:42:57,782 --> 00:43:00,649
Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.
1036
00:43:00,751 --> 00:43:02,385
I'm not even supposed
to be here.
1037
00:43:02,487 --> 00:43:04,587
By the power
of Grayskull,
1038
00:43:04,689 --> 00:43:10,258
I am not supposed
to be here today!
1039
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:11,727
Hey, I'm Joe.
1040
00:43:11,829 --> 00:43:13,256
Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,
1041
00:43:13,359 --> 00:43:15,632
and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...
1042
00:43:15,734 --> 00:43:17,735
I am not even supposed
to be here today.
1043
00:43:19,072 --> 00:43:20,565
Damn right.
1044
00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,074
Uh... (HUMMING)
1045
00:43:23,176 --> 00:43:25,110
Lion face. (ROARS)
1046
00:43:25,212 --> 00:43:27,776
Lemon face. (GRUNTING)
1047
00:43:27,878 --> 00:43:31,681
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1048
00:43:31,783 --> 00:43:33,616
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
A little about me.
1049
00:43:33,718 --> 00:43:35,912
I'm known professionally
as Boston John.
1050
00:43:36,014 --> 00:43:37,853
That's a nom de plume.
1051
00:43:37,955 --> 00:43:41,659
Uh, Robert De Niro
is my fuckin'...
Lone star.
1052
00:43:41,761 --> 00:43:43,892
You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...
1053
00:43:43,994 --> 00:43:46,895
Close your eyes.
Just listen.
Ready? All right?
1054
00:43:46,997 --> 00:43:49,166
(MIMICKING ROBERT DE NIRO)
I have nipples, Greg.
1055
00:43:49,268 --> 00:43:50,962
Could you milk me?
1056
00:43:51,064 --> 00:43:53,934
Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.
1057
00:43:54,036 --> 00:43:56,104
Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?
1058
00:43:56,206 --> 00:43:58,541
(MIMICS ARNOLD)
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
1059
00:43:58,643 --> 00:44:00,872
But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?
1060
00:44:00,974 --> 00:44:02,179
(MIMICS AL PACINO)
Ooh-ah!
1061
00:44:02,281 --> 00:44:03,844
(SHOUTS) When, Lord?
1062
00:44:03,946 --> 00:44:07,147
When will I see
the God damn sailboat?
1063
00:44:08,721 --> 00:44:12,254
That came from a real
deep personal place.
1064
00:44:12,356 --> 00:44:13,656
I have a BFA.
1065
00:44:13,758 --> 00:44:15,086
Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.
1066
00:44:15,188 --> 00:44:17,121
As an actor with
a theater background,
1067
00:44:17,223 --> 00:44:19,230
I was classically
trained in New York.
1068
00:44:19,332 --> 00:44:21,030
Have you
actually thought
1069
00:44:21,132 --> 00:44:22,332
about going
musical with this?
'Cause it could be...
1070
00:44:22,434 --> 00:44:23,497
♪ I'm not even...
1071
00:44:23,599 --> 00:44:25,763
Supposed to be here.
1072
00:44:25,865 --> 00:44:29,670
♪ Today ♪
1073
00:44:29,772 --> 00:44:32,402
Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!
1074
00:44:32,504 --> 00:44:35,444
Kick ball change
and snap,
snap, jazz hands.
1075
00:44:35,546 --> 00:44:37,474
That is beautiful, man.
1076
00:44:39,285 --> 00:44:40,444
Freddie Prinze Jr.
1077
00:44:42,148 --> 00:44:43,984
"I'll fuck anything
that moves."
1078
00:44:44,086 --> 00:44:46,017
Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?
1079
00:44:46,119 --> 00:44:47,986
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1080
00:44:48,088 --> 00:44:49,526
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1081
00:44:49,628 --> 00:44:50,990
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1082
00:44:51,092 --> 00:44:52,563
That's a little bit
in your face.
1083
00:44:52,665 --> 00:44:54,326
Let me try it
like this, hold on.
1084
00:44:54,428 --> 00:44:56,027
Can I borrow
your underpants
for about ten minutes?
1085
00:44:56,129 --> 00:44:57,694
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1086
00:44:57,797 --> 00:44:58,897
And, fool,
1087
00:44:58,999 --> 00:45:01,637
I always carry
a machete.
1088
00:45:01,739 --> 00:45:04,971
I'll fuck anything
that moves!
1089
00:45:05,073 --> 00:45:06,807
Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.
1090
00:45:06,909 --> 00:45:08,178
You know what
this movie needs?
1091
00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:10,680
Deez. Deez nuts!
1092
00:45:10,782 --> 00:45:12,717
Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?
1093
00:45:12,819 --> 00:45:14,519
You know what
this script
needs right here?
1094
00:45:14,621 --> 00:45:17,219
Like an old lady
that says curse words.
1095
00:45:17,322 --> 00:45:18,956
Holy shit.
1096
00:45:19,058 --> 00:45:21,685
Who wrote this garbage?
His mother should
be ashamed.
1097
00:45:21,788 --> 00:45:23,388
(INHALING)
1098
00:45:25,759 --> 00:45:26,958
The fuck?
1099
00:45:27,061 --> 00:45:29,229
He's auditioning
for Silent Bill.
1100
00:45:30,137 --> 00:45:32,130
(SCOFFING)
1101
00:45:32,232 --> 00:45:33,836
I don't know if you know
Sound of Music,
1102
00:45:33,938 --> 00:45:35,539
the marionettes were
the best part of that.
1103
00:45:35,641 --> 00:45:38,937
I think that's why
they won Oscars.
1104
00:45:39,039 --> 00:45:40,976
It's worth
thinking about
1105
00:45:41,078 --> 00:45:44,178
maybe doing
the whole movie
with marionettes.
1106
00:45:48,849 --> 00:45:50,547
(ROCK MUSIC FADES)
1107
00:45:52,922 --> 00:45:54,288
Take your
heart pills,
Tin Man.
1108
00:45:54,390 --> 00:45:55,923
Hey.
1109
00:45:56,025 --> 00:45:57,791
So, how's it going
with the financing?
1110
00:45:57,893 --> 00:45:59,428
You raise
my money, yet?
1111
00:45:59,530 --> 00:46:00,796
If it's your money,
1112
00:46:00,898 --> 00:46:02,059
then how come
I have to raise it?
1113
00:46:02,162 --> 00:46:03,898
That's Hollywood.
(CHUCKLES)
1114
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,334
Did you finish
reading the script?
1115
00:46:05,436 --> 00:46:06,436
Last night.
1116
00:46:06,538 --> 00:46:08,337
And? It's funny,
right?
1117
00:46:08,439 --> 00:46:10,171
It's funny,
1118
00:46:10,273 --> 00:46:12,807
but it was like
my entire life flashed
before my eyes.
1119
00:46:12,909 --> 00:46:15,140
My life flashed
before your eyes.
1120
00:46:15,242 --> 00:46:17,816
I was glad you left
some stuff out.
1121
00:46:19,714 --> 00:46:20,948
So, uh...
1122
00:46:21,050 --> 00:46:23,047
which one of these guys
gets to play me?
1123
00:46:23,150 --> 00:46:24,281
Well, the guys
are too young
1124
00:46:24,383 --> 00:46:26,251
and hot to play you.
What the fuck?
1125
00:46:26,353 --> 00:46:29,086
And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.
1126
00:46:29,189 --> 00:46:30,659
So then,
what are you gonna do?
1127
00:46:30,762 --> 00:46:33,397
I'm gonna play
my part myself.
1128
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:35,262
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
1129
00:46:41,540 --> 00:46:42,533
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
1130
00:46:43,575 --> 00:46:44,941
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
1131
00:46:45,043 --> 00:46:48,546
All right, already,
we're closing.
Gee whiz!
1132
00:46:48,648 --> 00:46:51,614
Why? You're highly
offending me!
1133
00:46:51,716 --> 00:46:54,046
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.
1134
00:46:54,148 --> 00:46:56,451
I'm sorry, ma'am,
we're closed.
1135
00:46:56,553 --> 00:46:58,052
It's me, Randal.
1136
00:46:58,154 --> 00:47:00,756
Huh. Cool.
Blade Runner,
I like that.
1137
00:47:00,858 --> 00:47:02,958
Thanks. What's
a Blade Runner?
1138
00:47:03,060 --> 00:47:05,128
Can we get back to you
acting in a movie
1139
00:47:05,230 --> 00:47:07,696
that you're directing
even though you've
never acted in
1140
00:47:07,798 --> 00:47:09,060
or directed
a movie before?
1141
00:47:09,163 --> 00:47:10,765
It worked for
Orson Welles.
1142
00:47:10,868 --> 00:47:12,470
(SIGHS) You're not
an actor.
1143
00:47:12,572 --> 00:47:13,870
Neither was
Howard Stern,
1144
00:47:13,972 --> 00:47:15,837
but he acted
in the movie
about his life.
1145
00:47:15,939 --> 00:47:17,002
(SCOFFS) If you
call that acting.
1146
00:47:17,105 --> 00:47:18,501
You think you
can do better?
1147
00:47:18,604 --> 00:47:20,974
Better than Howard Stern
did in Private Parts?
1148
00:47:21,076 --> 00:47:22,680
(CHUCKLES)
It's not a high bar.
1149
00:47:22,782 --> 00:47:25,145
Great, because
you're playing Dan-T.
1150
00:47:25,247 --> 00:47:27,883
What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.
1151
00:47:27,985 --> 00:47:29,212
You're as good
as any of the jokers
1152
00:47:29,314 --> 00:47:30,988
we saw at
1the audition.
1153
00:47:31,090 --> 00:47:33,349
Besides, if I'm
gonna play me,
you gotta play you.
1154
00:47:33,451 --> 00:47:35,493
You have
to do this,
Mr. Dan-T.
1155
00:47:35,595 --> 00:47:36,825
DANTE: Oh,
for God's sakes,
1156
00:47:36,927 --> 00:47:38,862
please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-T.
1157
00:47:38,965 --> 00:47:40,896
That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.
1158
00:47:40,998 --> 00:47:43,160
What is this shit,
Mad Magazine?
1159
00:47:43,262 --> 00:47:45,670
Randal is
playing Randal.
1160
00:47:45,772 --> 00:47:49,771
Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,
1161
00:47:49,873 --> 00:47:52,939
and Elias is
playing Elias.
1162
00:47:53,042 --> 00:47:54,306
ELIAS: I'm in
the movie, too?
1163
00:47:54,408 --> 00:47:56,613
Yup. And as a Satanist
playing a Christian,
1164
00:47:56,715 --> 00:47:58,648
you've gotta
act the most.
1165
00:47:58,750 --> 00:48:00,779
It's my very
own chance...
1166
00:48:00,881 --> 00:48:02,346
to transform.
1167
00:48:02,448 --> 00:48:05,022
And transform
you shall,
Bumblebee.
1168
00:48:05,124 --> 00:48:08,189
Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our
fuckin' financing.
1169
00:48:08,291 --> 00:48:10,825
Yo, it's too bad
you didn't marry
that Emma chick,
1170
00:48:10,927 --> 00:48:12,492
the one with
the big clit.
1171
00:48:12,594 --> 00:48:14,894
Wasn't she like some
kinda car wash heiress
or something?
1172
00:48:14,996 --> 00:48:16,094
DANTE: Can you focus?
1173
00:48:16,197 --> 00:48:17,560
Even if we do
play ourselves,
1174
00:48:17,663 --> 00:48:19,465
you still got to cast
all the customer parts.
1175
00:48:19,567 --> 00:48:23,135
Why am I casting
customers to say
all this stupid shit
1176
00:48:23,237 --> 00:48:25,008
when I still see
the real customers
1177
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,843
who said all
the stupid shit
in the first place
1178
00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:29,273
come in here every day?
They can do it.
1179
00:48:29,375 --> 00:48:31,209
Oh, my God,
you can't just turn
1180
00:48:31,311 --> 00:48:33,212
regular people
into movie stars.
1181
00:48:33,314 --> 00:48:36,452
Noinch, noinch, noinch!
Smokin' weed.
1182
00:48:36,554 --> 00:48:37,885
Smokin' weed!
1183
00:48:37,987 --> 00:48:39,118
Pack of wraps,
my good man.
1184
00:48:39,220 --> 00:48:40,721
Time to kick back,
drink some beers
1185
00:48:40,823 --> 00:48:41,988
and smoke some weed.
1186
00:48:42,090 --> 00:48:44,288
You own a whole
weed store.
1187
00:48:44,390 --> 00:48:45,994
Hey, Randal,
I've got an idea.
1188
00:48:46,096 --> 00:48:48,863
What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?
1189
00:48:48,965 --> 00:48:52,131
Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.
1190
00:48:52,233 --> 00:48:54,572
Youse guys want to
be in my movie?
1191
00:48:54,674 --> 00:48:56,266
Ooh, a pornography
movie?
1192
00:48:56,369 --> 00:48:58,107
RANDAL: It's not
a porno movie.
1193
00:48:58,209 --> 00:48:59,877
It's the movie
we're shooting
in your store.
1194
00:48:59,979 --> 00:49:02,173
(SCOFFS) That movie?
You still ain't done?
1195
00:49:02,275 --> 00:49:04,213
We haven't even
started yet.
1196
00:49:04,315 --> 00:49:07,611
I don't know. Who would
we be playing
in this movie?
1197
00:49:07,713 --> 00:49:09,314
Well, it's these
two characters
I kind of based
1198
00:49:09,416 --> 00:49:11,622
on you
and Maggie
Simpson here.
1199
00:49:11,724 --> 00:49:14,022
Check out your
first scene.
1200
00:49:14,124 --> 00:49:15,819
DANTE: These guys
aren't real actors.
1201
00:49:15,921 --> 00:49:18,190
But they are real
fucked up and I could
work with that.
1202
00:49:18,292 --> 00:49:20,224
This doesn't sound
like me at all.
1203
00:49:20,326 --> 00:49:21,832
What are you
talking about?
1204
00:49:21,934 --> 00:49:23,593
All the shit in there
is all the stuff
1205
00:49:23,695 --> 00:49:26,098
I've personally heard
you say around here.
1206
00:49:26,201 --> 00:49:27,905
I do not talk
like this, man.
1207
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:29,807
Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like
1208
00:49:29,909 --> 00:49:31,334
"Snootchie Bootchies"
all the time?
1209
00:49:31,437 --> 00:49:33,108
RANDAL: I'll tell
you what.
1210
00:49:33,211 --> 00:49:35,309
If you guys
play yourselves
in the movie,
1211
00:49:35,411 --> 00:49:37,813
I'll let you guys
be in charge
of Crafty, too.
1212
00:49:37,915 --> 00:49:39,744
So what's
Crafty about?
1213
00:49:39,846 --> 00:49:42,678
Well, in addition to
being the comic
relief in the movie,
1214
00:49:42,781 --> 00:49:45,150
you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.
1215
00:49:45,253 --> 00:49:47,253
Ooh, we learned
about food prep
1216
00:49:47,355 --> 00:49:50,190
back when we ran
the fucking Cock Smoker.
1217
00:49:50,292 --> 00:49:51,621
Wasn't that place
just a drug front?
1218
00:49:51,723 --> 00:49:54,565
(CHUCKLING) No,
we had drugs
in the front
1219
00:49:54,667 --> 00:49:56,767
and drugs
in the back.
1220
00:49:56,869 --> 00:49:58,099
DANTE: So if Elias
is playing Elias
1221
00:49:58,201 --> 00:49:59,970
and these dopes
are playing themselves,
1222
00:50:00,072 --> 00:50:01,364
who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?
1223
00:50:01,466 --> 00:50:03,005
Well, funny you
should ask,
1224
00:50:03,107 --> 00:50:05,040
'cause earlier today
I sent the script
1225
00:50:05,142 --> 00:50:07,044
to someone who
will be absolutely...
1226
00:50:07,146 --> 00:50:09,105
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...perfect to
play Veronica.
1227
00:50:09,207 --> 00:50:10,706
(DOOR OPENS)
1228
00:50:10,809 --> 00:50:13,850
Who the fuck
do you people
think you are?
1229
00:50:13,952 --> 00:50:15,951
Veronica?
What is this filth?
1230
00:50:16,053 --> 00:50:18,417
What is this gamey,
tawdry trash
1231
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:21,221
that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?
1232
00:50:21,323 --> 00:50:22,990
RANDAL: It's just
a movie I'm making
1233
00:50:23,093 --> 00:50:24,390
about my life,
and I thought
1234
00:50:24,492 --> 00:50:26,023
it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.
1235
00:50:26,125 --> 00:50:27,529
Oh, you did?
1236
00:50:27,631 --> 00:50:28,965
Yeah.
1237
00:50:29,067 --> 00:50:30,934
Then you are
fucking sick!
Hey!
1238
00:50:31,036 --> 00:50:33,332
Watch it with
my artistic expression.
1239
00:50:33,434 --> 00:50:35,967
"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.
1240
00:50:36,069 --> 00:50:37,369
It's my life.
1241
00:50:37,471 --> 00:50:39,669
Okay, everybody,
calm down.
Jeez.
1242
00:50:39,771 --> 00:50:41,241
DANTE: Oh, come on,
you would have killed
1243
00:50:41,343 --> 00:50:42,778
to have been
in a film in college.
1244
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:43,944
You majored
in drama.
1245
00:50:44,046 --> 00:50:46,112
I minored
in drama.
1246
00:50:46,214 --> 00:50:48,246
I majored in
oral surgery.
1247
00:50:48,348 --> 00:50:50,147
All hail the queen
of oral.
1248
00:50:50,249 --> 00:50:51,920
Fuck you.
Surgery.
1249
00:50:52,022 --> 00:50:53,486
You didn't
let me finish.
1250
00:50:53,588 --> 00:50:55,253
And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,
1251
00:50:55,355 --> 00:50:57,192
not with me
as a character.
1252
00:50:57,294 --> 00:51:00,093
I'm not some
fucking joke
you get to tell
1253
00:51:00,196 --> 00:51:01,932
in your dirty
little B movie,
1254
00:51:02,034 --> 00:51:04,894
you two-bit
strip mall Soderbergh.
1255
00:51:04,996 --> 00:51:07,904
I see myself
more like retail's
Richard Linklater.
1256
00:51:08,006 --> 00:51:09,267
VERONICA: You want
to do this?
1257
00:51:09,370 --> 00:51:11,734
Fine, but leave
me out of it.
1258
00:51:11,837 --> 00:51:14,275
Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.
1259
00:51:14,378 --> 00:51:17,214
And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.
1260
00:51:20,412 --> 00:51:22,318
Oh, man,
I'm so sorry.
1261
00:51:24,689 --> 00:51:26,522
I... Sorry.
1262
00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:28,789
(SOBBING)
1263
00:51:28,891 --> 00:51:30,359
(DANTE SIGHS)
1264
00:51:38,803 --> 00:51:40,136
Please don't cry.
1265
00:51:40,238 --> 00:51:43,869
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
It's just been a shit day.
1266
00:51:43,972 --> 00:51:45,336
(SOBBING)
1267
00:51:45,438 --> 00:51:48,075
I had two
cancelations.
1268
00:51:48,177 --> 00:51:49,913
My ex calls
to tell me that
1269
00:51:50,015 --> 00:51:52,044
he's not putting
our daughter's car
1270
00:51:52,146 --> 00:51:53,478
on his insurance,
1271
00:51:53,580 --> 00:51:56,748
and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.
1272
00:51:58,750 --> 00:52:03,022
And then I see you
and say that shit.
1273
00:52:03,124 --> 00:52:05,823
It's okay. Really.
1274
00:52:05,925 --> 00:52:09,359
I kinda feel like...
I feel like such
an asshole.
1275
00:52:09,461 --> 00:52:12,400
Hey, Ronnie.
(SNIFFLES)
1276
00:52:12,502 --> 00:52:14,672
If Randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,
1277
00:52:14,774 --> 00:52:16,174
I would've said no way.
1278
00:52:16,941 --> 00:52:18,836
But now,
I'm glad he did.
1279
00:52:20,272 --> 00:52:21,807
Because it's...
1280
00:52:21,909 --> 00:52:25,414
it's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.
1281
00:52:28,085 --> 00:52:30,349
And you look great.
(SCOFFS)
1282
00:52:30,451 --> 00:52:32,117
You look way younger
than I do.
1283
00:52:32,219 --> 00:52:34,825
Yeah?
Yeah.
1284
00:52:34,928 --> 00:52:37,586
How young you
think I look?
1285
00:52:37,689 --> 00:52:39,527
You don't look
a day over...
1286
00:52:40,293 --> 00:52:42,431
37.
(CHUCKLING)
1287
00:52:43,966 --> 00:52:45,096
So, um...
1288
00:52:45,198 --> 00:52:46,864
(SMACKS LIPS)
1289
00:52:46,966 --> 00:52:48,067
You want to fuck?
(NO HOPE BY LOUSER PLAYING)
1290
00:52:48,169 --> 00:52:49,805
♪ I'm a mess
1291
00:52:49,907 --> 00:52:51,774
♪ All washed out
1292
00:52:51,876 --> 00:52:53,843
♪ Mostly regrets
1293
00:52:53,945 --> 00:52:55,338
♪ Laced with doubts
1294
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:56,539
♪ All bruised up
1295
00:52:56,641 --> 00:52:57,880
(VERONICA AND DANTE MOANING)
1296
00:52:57,982 --> 00:52:59,280
♪ I'm knocked down
1297
00:52:59,382 --> 00:53:01,313
You think
this means
Veronica is in?
1298
00:53:01,416 --> 00:53:03,950
I think it means
Dante sure is.
1299
00:53:04,052 --> 00:53:05,986
♪ No hope
1300
00:53:06,088 --> 00:53:07,489
♪ No peace ♪
1301
00:53:08,827 --> 00:53:10,025
JAY: "Silent Bob,
1302
00:53:10,128 --> 00:53:13,061
"you are a rude
motherfucker.
1303
00:53:13,164 --> 00:53:15,765
"But you are cute
as hell."
1304
00:53:15,867 --> 00:53:17,466
(CLEARING THROAT)
1305
00:53:19,068 --> 00:53:20,367
(LOUDLY) Silent Bob!
1306
00:53:20,469 --> 00:53:23,840
You are
a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
1307
00:53:23,942 --> 00:53:25,606
But you're cute
as hell!
1308
00:53:26,976 --> 00:53:28,241
(ELIAS SNEEZING)
1309
00:53:28,344 --> 00:53:29,839
ELIAS: I brought
the cat, Randal.
1310
00:53:29,941 --> 00:53:31,743
Perfect. We don't
want him
going anywhere
1311
00:53:31,845 --> 00:53:33,381
near a litter box
until we're
ready to shoot.
1312
00:53:33,483 --> 00:53:34,950
So you're gonna
have to hold
him all day.
1313
00:53:35,052 --> 00:53:36,779
But I'm allergic
to cats.
1314
00:53:36,881 --> 00:53:39,188
You got to suffer
for your art, man.
1315
00:53:39,290 --> 00:53:40,686
But it's not my art,
it's your art.
1316
00:53:40,788 --> 00:53:42,386
Shouldn't you be
the one doing
the suffering?
1317
00:53:42,488 --> 00:53:43,819
I didn't
suffer enough
1318
00:53:43,921 --> 00:53:45,390
when I almost died
from a heart attack,
1319
00:53:45,493 --> 00:53:47,228
which I might
add was after
1320
00:53:47,330 --> 00:53:49,065
a heated exchange
about kites?
1321
00:53:49,167 --> 00:53:50,728
My allergies
have made me immune
1322
00:53:50,831 --> 00:53:52,867
to your emotional
blackmail.
(DOOR OPENS)
1323
00:53:52,969 --> 00:53:54,569
(CAT PURRING)
1324
00:53:56,370 --> 00:53:57,600
Check out
this acting.
1325
00:53:57,702 --> 00:53:59,438
(CLEARS THROAT)
Silent Bob,
1326
00:53:59,540 --> 00:54:02,175
you are a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
1327
00:54:02,277 --> 00:54:04,379
But you're cute
as hell.
1328
00:54:04,481 --> 00:54:07,318
Very natural,
and subtle.
I like it.
1329
00:54:09,352 --> 00:54:11,649
So, how are you
feeling today?
1330
00:54:11,751 --> 00:54:13,683
Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid
1331
00:54:13,785 --> 00:54:15,422
that worked
in the video store,
1332
00:54:15,524 --> 00:54:17,522
fully fluent in
the language of cinema.
1333
00:54:17,624 --> 00:54:19,528
It's like I was born
to direct.
1334
00:54:19,630 --> 00:54:21,327
No, bro. I mean,
you had a heart
attack last month.
1335
00:54:21,429 --> 00:54:23,361
Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.
1336
00:54:23,463 --> 00:54:24,762
How do you
feel today
1337
00:54:24,865 --> 00:54:26,797
after your Range Rover
sleepover last night?
1338
00:54:26,899 --> 00:54:29,536
Stop it.
When I said
to be a producer,
1339
00:54:29,639 --> 00:54:32,072
I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.
1340
00:54:32,174 --> 00:54:33,739
Unwilling producer.
1341
00:54:33,841 --> 00:54:36,575
I didn't ask
for this job,
but I am doing it.
1342
00:54:36,677 --> 00:54:39,115
So I have a meeting
today about money.
1343
00:54:39,217 --> 00:54:41,216
Fucking A,
that's producing, J.J.
1344
00:54:41,318 --> 00:54:43,184
And I found you
a cinematographer.
1345
00:54:43,287 --> 00:54:45,081
What?
May I present to you...
1346
00:54:46,924 --> 00:54:47,952
Shooter Bob.
1347
00:54:49,425 --> 00:54:51,327
Silent Bob is
gonna be our DP?
1348
00:54:51,429 --> 00:54:54,592
Shit, yeah,
we all gonna be
doing DPs!
1349
00:54:54,694 --> 00:54:56,461
Uh, DP is the name
of the job.
1350
00:54:56,564 --> 00:54:57,694
You said
it was cinematographer.
1351
00:54:57,796 --> 00:55:00,269
The cinematographer
is the DP.
1352
00:55:00,371 --> 00:55:02,071
Man, don't be
acting like
you know
1353
00:55:02,174 --> 00:55:03,438
all the industry
slang and shit.
1354
00:55:03,540 --> 00:55:04,967
Me and Silent Bob
are the only ones here
1355
00:55:05,069 --> 00:55:08,272
who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.
1356
00:55:08,374 --> 00:55:09,644
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
1357
00:55:10,211 --> 00:55:11,577
RANDAL: Come on.
1358
00:55:11,679 --> 00:55:13,581
Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,
1359
00:55:13,683 --> 00:55:16,118
but you are an
unconventional
filmmaker making
1360
00:55:16,221 --> 00:55:18,017
an unconventional film.
Yeah.
1361
00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:21,355
You want me to entrust
the story of my life
to the Quiet Place.
1362
00:55:21,457 --> 00:55:23,059
He has some
really nice shots
1363
00:55:23,161 --> 00:55:24,391
on his Instagram.
(SCOFFS)
1364
00:55:24,493 --> 00:55:26,056
Come on, give him
a chance, man.
1365
00:55:26,158 --> 00:55:28,097
Maybe he speaks
the language of
cinema like you do.
1366
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,198
The guy never
speaks at all.
1367
00:55:30,301 --> 00:55:33,070
Okay, so we just
scouted in here,
1368
00:55:33,172 --> 00:55:34,799
and the colors
are fucking ugly.
1369
00:55:34,902 --> 00:55:37,335
So Silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie
1370
00:55:37,437 --> 00:55:39,036
in black and white.
1371
00:55:39,138 --> 00:55:42,146
Schindler's List
black and white?
What, is he nuts?
1372
00:55:42,248 --> 00:55:44,345
Uh, no,
I'm a fucking
filmmaker.
1373
00:55:44,447 --> 00:55:46,346
And any filmmaker
worth their salt
1374
00:55:46,448 --> 00:55:47,712
would know
that the colors
1375
00:55:47,814 --> 00:55:49,451
in this place
are fucking ghastly.
1376
00:55:49,553 --> 00:55:50,981
The only way
you could
deal with them
1377
00:55:51,083 --> 00:55:52,850
is to neutralize
them by going in
black and white,
1378
00:55:52,953 --> 00:55:55,158
which will also
kind of act as
a commentary
1379
00:55:55,260 --> 00:55:57,561
on the soulless
nature of commerce
1380
00:55:57,663 --> 00:56:00,592
while subliminally
giving the audience
the impression
1381
00:56:00,694 --> 00:56:02,932
that they're watching
our heroes
1382
00:56:03,034 --> 00:56:04,267
from the perspective
1383
00:56:04,369 --> 00:56:06,767
of an imaginary
store security cam.
1384
00:56:07,933 --> 00:56:09,536
That's what
I was thinking.
Mmm-hmm.
1385
00:56:09,638 --> 00:56:11,041
That's what
an artist thinks.
Yup.
1386
00:56:11,144 --> 00:56:12,606
But, you know,
it's up to you.
1387
00:56:12,709 --> 00:56:15,412
However,
I'm shooting it
in black and white,
1388
00:56:15,514 --> 00:56:17,506
or I ain't shooting
it at all,
motherfucker.
1389
00:56:17,608 --> 00:56:19,010
That's right.
1390
00:56:23,122 --> 00:56:25,115
(EXHALES)
(LINE RINGING)
1391
00:56:28,390 --> 00:56:30,687
Jesus, he looks fat.
1392
00:56:30,789 --> 00:56:32,588
You're not
on mute, Emma.
1393
00:56:32,690 --> 00:56:36,099
I know. So? Hello.
1394
00:56:36,201 --> 00:56:37,867
Hi, you.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1395
00:56:37,969 --> 00:56:39,767
How's Florida?
1396
00:56:39,869 --> 00:56:41,302
Full of assholes,
but at least
it's not Jersey.
1397
00:56:41,405 --> 00:56:42,834
What do you
want, Dante?
1398
00:56:42,937 --> 00:56:46,036
Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,
1399
00:56:46,138 --> 00:56:51,275
but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.
1400
00:56:51,377 --> 00:56:52,511
Fuck no.
1401
00:56:52,614 --> 00:56:54,578
It's not for me.
It's for Randal.
1402
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:57,450
Oh, then double fuck no.
1403
00:56:57,553 --> 00:56:59,189
He had a heart
attack, Emma.
1404
00:56:59,291 --> 00:57:00,986
Good. I hope
he dropped dead.
1405
00:57:01,586 --> 00:57:02,852
He didn't.
1406
00:57:02,954 --> 00:57:05,094
So he needs
the money for, uh...
1407
00:57:05,196 --> 00:57:06,461
for the hospital bills.
1408
00:57:06,563 --> 00:57:08,096
Randal doesn't have
any insurance.
1409
00:57:08,198 --> 00:57:09,696
So the fuck what?
1410
00:57:09,799 --> 00:57:11,964
Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,
1411
00:57:12,066 --> 00:57:14,871
I'm not giving
Randal Graves
any free money.
1412
00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,639
Emma, please.
1413
00:57:16,741 --> 00:57:18,641
You and I once
promised that if
we ever needed help,
1414
00:57:18,743 --> 00:57:20,904
we'd always be there
for each other,
no matter what.
1415
00:57:21,006 --> 00:57:23,674
That was before
you cheated on me
1416
00:57:23,777 --> 00:57:26,279
at a fucking
donkey show.
1417
00:57:26,381 --> 00:57:27,647
Goodbye, Dante!
1418
00:57:27,749 --> 00:57:30,480
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
(GROANS)
1419
00:57:30,582 --> 00:57:32,490
Please, Emma.
1420
00:57:33,619 --> 00:57:35,885
I'm desperate here.
1421
00:57:35,987 --> 00:57:37,894
Do you even have
any collateral?
1422
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:40,290
If I have to...
1423
00:57:40,392 --> 00:57:43,495
I can sign over my
half of the QuickStop
as collateral.
1424
00:57:43,597 --> 00:57:45,536
That shithole? Ugh.
1425
00:57:52,578 --> 00:57:55,145
What's all this about?
We're making a movie.
1426
00:57:55,247 --> 00:57:57,844
No shit.
A pornography movie?
1427
00:57:57,946 --> 00:58:00,616
How long does
that take?
Twenty-one nights.
1428
00:58:00,718 --> 00:58:03,013
It's gonna take
my auteur friend
here 21 nights
1429
00:58:03,115 --> 00:58:05,547
for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.
1430
00:58:05,650 --> 00:58:06,887
In a row?
1431
00:58:08,427 --> 00:58:11,188
"In Convenience."
I don't get it.
1432
00:58:12,131 --> 00:58:13,756
Scene ten,
take one!
1433
00:58:13,858 --> 00:58:15,794
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
1434
00:58:15,896 --> 00:58:17,568
Cat Wrangler!
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
1435
00:58:18,564 --> 00:58:20,263
(ELIAS WHEEZING)
1436
00:58:25,571 --> 00:58:26,808
(BODY THUDS)
1437
00:58:28,277 --> 00:58:30,009
(WHEEZING)
1438
00:58:31,249 --> 00:58:32,781
All right,
let's go.
1439
00:58:33,919 --> 00:58:35,280
And...
1440
00:58:35,382 --> 00:58:36,983
action.
1441
00:58:39,387 --> 00:58:41,089
Holy shit.
1442
00:58:41,191 --> 00:58:42,593
We got poop.
1443
00:58:44,529 --> 00:58:46,324
And action.
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
1444
00:58:46,426 --> 00:58:47,427
Fuck.
1445
00:58:47,529 --> 00:58:49,699
(OPERATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
1446
00:58:59,341 --> 00:59:01,675
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
1447
00:59:01,777 --> 00:59:04,440
What are you
waitin' for?
Dance!
1448
00:59:04,542 --> 00:59:08,083
I ain't doing this
with all these fuckin'
people watching.
1449
00:59:08,185 --> 00:59:09,615
Oh, my God.
1450
00:59:09,718 --> 00:59:11,015
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
Cut!
1451
00:59:11,117 --> 00:59:12,653
(SIGHS) The talent's
being a little bitch.
1452
00:59:12,755 --> 00:59:14,552
Can you guys wait
in the video store?
1453
00:59:14,654 --> 00:59:16,424
I'll run the camera.
1454
00:59:16,526 --> 00:59:18,926
DANTE: Unbelievable.
Really?
1455
00:59:26,537 --> 00:59:28,600
There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.
1456
00:59:28,702 --> 00:59:31,470
So fucking
dance, man.
1457
00:59:31,572 --> 00:59:33,408
You fucking dance.
1458
00:59:33,510 --> 00:59:35,373
Bitch.
RANDAL: And...
1459
00:59:35,475 --> 00:59:37,076
action.
1460
00:59:50,824 --> 00:59:53,024
What the fuck,
JoJo Siwa?
1461
00:59:53,126 --> 00:59:55,532
Look at this
fucking guy
looking at us!
1462
00:59:55,634 --> 00:59:58,929
He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.
1463
00:59:59,031 --> 01:00:01,735
You have to go
inside, too, cuck.
1464
01:00:01,837 --> 01:00:04,340
Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?
1465
01:00:04,443 --> 01:00:05,976
Push the button
and walk away.
1466
01:00:06,078 --> 01:00:07,937
Oh, my God.
1467
01:00:08,039 --> 01:00:10,978
(CAMERA BEEPS)
All right.
1468
01:00:21,856 --> 01:00:23,322
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
Action.
1469
01:00:23,424 --> 01:00:24,827
I guess.
1470
01:00:33,201 --> 01:00:35,673
(FIND YOUR WAY BACK BY
JEFFERSON STARSHIP PLAYING)
1471
01:01:03,329 --> 01:01:07,231
♪ You know, it's been
A long, long road
1472
01:01:07,333 --> 01:01:10,068
♪ Since I packed up and left
On my own...
1473
01:01:10,170 --> 01:01:11,806
All right, now,
hold on to
the counter.
1474
01:01:11,908 --> 01:01:13,944
I'm going
to pull, okay?
Here we go.
1475
01:01:14,046 --> 01:01:15,271
Ah...
1476
01:01:15,373 --> 01:01:18,144
♪ Just trying
To get back to her heart
1477
01:01:22,386 --> 01:01:24,018
(GRUNTS)
Action.
1478
01:01:34,764 --> 01:01:37,863
We need some tits
and ass, yeah!
1479
01:01:37,965 --> 01:01:40,234
♪ I sure ain't got no home...
1480
01:01:40,336 --> 01:01:41,797
And cut.
1481
01:01:41,899 --> 01:01:44,005
Ha-ha. (GRUNTS)
1482
01:01:44,671 --> 01:01:45,803
(WHISTLES)
1483
01:01:45,905 --> 01:01:48,077
Nice job,
nice work.
1484
01:01:48,179 --> 01:01:49,613
Um...
1485
01:01:49,715 --> 01:01:50,775
All right,
we're doing
the same shot
1486
01:01:50,877 --> 01:01:52,475
just over to
this door.
1487
01:01:52,577 --> 01:01:55,812
...sound here.
Let's get the
sticks over there.
1488
01:01:55,914 --> 01:01:57,179
Elias, you with us?
1489
01:01:57,281 --> 01:01:58,819
Okay, we're doing
the same thing.
1490
01:01:58,921 --> 01:02:00,049
We're just, kind of,
coming over here.
1491
01:02:00,152 --> 01:02:01,590
We're gonna stay
on the same...
1492
01:02:01,692 --> 01:02:03,090
♪ Find your way back... ♪
1493
01:02:05,527 --> 01:02:07,557
And... action.
1494
01:02:07,659 --> 01:02:12,231
You know, there are
a million fines
in the world, dude.
1495
01:02:12,333 --> 01:02:14,535
RANDAL: "Millions
of fines"?
What the hell, man?
1496
01:02:14,637 --> 01:02:15,935
That's not
the line.
1497
01:02:16,037 --> 01:02:18,539
"There's a million
fine-looking women
1498
01:02:18,641 --> 01:02:20,272
"in the world,
dude."
1499
01:02:20,374 --> 01:02:24,680
There are a billion
behinds in this
world, dude!
1500
01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:27,847
Whoo!
Not "billions
of behinds."
1501
01:02:27,949 --> 01:02:30,580
"A million
fine-looking
women."
1502
01:02:30,682 --> 01:02:34,823
You know, they're
killing swines
in the world, dude.
1503
01:02:34,925 --> 01:02:37,458
Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!
1504
01:02:37,560 --> 01:02:39,489
I will do it myself.
1505
01:02:40,264 --> 01:02:42,261
Ahem!
1506
01:02:42,363 --> 01:02:44,333
You know,
there's a million
fine-looking women
1507
01:02:44,435 --> 01:02:46,033
in the world, dude,
1508
01:02:46,135 --> 01:02:48,197
but they don't
all bring you
lasagna at work.
1509
01:02:48,299 --> 01:02:50,268
Most of them
just cheat on you.
1510
01:02:50,370 --> 01:02:53,206
You All About
Eve -ining fuck.
Well?
1511
01:02:53,308 --> 01:02:56,011
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be
a bumpy night.
1512
01:02:56,113 --> 01:02:58,347
RANDAL: So that's it.
He doesn't love
you anymore.
1513
01:02:58,449 --> 01:02:59,881
He loves Caitlin.
1514
01:02:59,983 --> 01:03:02,345
And he told
you all this?
Pretty much.
1515
01:03:02,447 --> 01:03:04,684
All except the latent
homosexuality but...
1516
01:03:04,786 --> 01:03:05,984
What the fuck,
man?
1517
01:03:06,086 --> 01:03:08,453
We're making
a movie here. Ew!
1518
01:03:08,555 --> 01:03:11,256
RANDAL: It's nothing
compared to how
my cousin Walter died.
1519
01:03:11,358 --> 01:03:13,923
DANTE: How'd he die?
RANDAL: He broke his neck.
1520
01:03:14,025 --> 01:03:15,833
That's embarrassing?
1521
01:03:15,935 --> 01:03:17,861
He broke his neck
trying to suck
his own dick.
1522
01:03:17,963 --> 01:03:19,263
JAY: Holy shit, man.
1523
01:03:19,365 --> 01:03:21,634
Is that shit true?
RANDAL: Are you nuts?
1524
01:03:21,736 --> 01:03:22,769
Shut the fuck up.
1525
01:03:22,872 --> 01:03:24,266
We're shooting
a scene here.
1526
01:03:24,368 --> 01:03:26,844
(FIND YOUR WAY BACK CONTINUE)
1527
01:03:39,691 --> 01:03:42,891
♪ I know it's too late now
1528
01:03:42,993 --> 01:03:47,124
♪ But I wish I could
Go back in time
1529
01:03:47,226 --> 01:03:51,130
♪ And start all over somehow
1530
01:03:51,232 --> 01:03:54,767
♪ And get it right
From the start
1531
01:03:54,869 --> 01:03:56,973
♪ Find your way back
1532
01:03:58,569 --> 01:04:01,340
♪ Find your way back
To her heart
1533
01:04:02,713 --> 01:04:03,975
♪ Find your way back ♪
1534
01:04:04,077 --> 01:04:05,911
Uh, what the
hell is this?
1535
01:04:06,014 --> 01:04:07,683
The story needs
a little action
1536
01:04:07,785 --> 01:04:09,115
so I added a scene
where Cohee
1537
01:04:09,217 --> 01:04:11,215
comes in to
rob the place
at the end.
1538
01:04:11,317 --> 01:04:13,122
And in the process,
you get shot.
1539
01:04:13,224 --> 01:04:15,987
No way. I'm not letting
you kill me off
in the third act.
1540
01:04:16,089 --> 01:04:17,527
What if there's
a sequel?
1541
01:04:17,630 --> 01:04:20,094
A sequel?
What am I? A hack?
1542
01:04:20,196 --> 01:04:24,326
Cohee, producer
says I gotta cut
your scene, man.
1543
01:04:24,428 --> 01:04:26,429
Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?
1544
01:04:26,531 --> 01:04:29,202
Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?
1545
01:04:29,304 --> 01:04:31,038
I've been
reading the paper
my whole life
1546
01:04:31,140 --> 01:04:32,740
and the only time
I've seen my name in it
1547
01:04:32,842 --> 01:04:34,206
was under
the headline,
1548
01:04:34,308 --> 01:04:36,639
"Local grocer has
massive heart attack."
1549
01:04:36,741 --> 01:04:40,312
So I thought in your
official capacity
as producer,
1550
01:04:40,414 --> 01:04:42,314
maybe you can get
a cub reporter
over here
1551
01:04:42,416 --> 01:04:45,147
to do a story
about your director
in action.
1552
01:04:45,249 --> 01:04:46,616
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1553
01:04:48,320 --> 01:04:50,425
JAY: "I assure you
we're open."
1554
01:04:50,527 --> 01:04:52,094
I don't get it.
1555
01:04:52,196 --> 01:04:54,227
Some savages are
always sticking
gum in the locks,
1556
01:04:54,329 --> 01:04:56,633
so I wrote it
into the script
to be the reason
1557
01:04:56,735 --> 01:04:58,162
the shutters
are closed all day.
1558
01:04:58,264 --> 01:04:59,635
That way,
we can shoot
at night
1559
01:04:59,737 --> 01:05:01,166
and pretend
it's day out.
1560
01:05:01,268 --> 01:05:04,171
I fucking hate
how fake
Hollywood is.
1561
01:05:04,273 --> 01:05:07,038
RANDAL: I don't
appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.
1562
01:05:07,141 --> 01:05:08,876
I beg your pardon.
Your ruse.
1563
01:05:08,978 --> 01:05:11,208
Your cunning attempt
to trick me.
1564
01:05:11,310 --> 01:05:13,515
This is the last
time I rent here!
1565
01:05:13,617 --> 01:05:15,515
You will be missed.
1566
01:05:15,618 --> 01:05:17,053
Screw you!
1567
01:05:19,353 --> 01:05:21,851
You're not
allowed to rent
here anymore!
1568
01:05:21,954 --> 01:05:23,051
JAY: Yeah!
1569
01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:24,489
RANDAL: And cut.
1570
01:05:28,800 --> 01:05:30,398
(WOMAN EXHALES)
RANDAL: Nice work.
1571
01:05:30,501 --> 01:05:31,768
Nice work.
1572
01:05:31,870 --> 01:05:33,770
Okay, now just give
me ten minutes
1573
01:05:33,872 --> 01:05:35,667
and then
I'll be ready
to do mine.
1574
01:05:35,770 --> 01:05:37,040
Your what?
1575
01:05:37,607 --> 01:05:40,074
Wah, Ricky!
1576
01:05:40,177 --> 01:05:43,279
(CRYING) This is
the last time
I rent here!
1577
01:05:43,382 --> 01:05:47,317
(WAILING)
1578
01:05:47,419 --> 01:05:49,212
I don't get it.
1579
01:05:49,314 --> 01:05:52,414
She wanted to do
one as Lucy.
1580
01:05:52,516 --> 01:05:54,219
Empire had
the better ending.
1581
01:05:54,321 --> 01:05:55,824
I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,
1582
01:05:55,926 --> 01:05:57,255
finds out Vader's
his father.
1583
01:05:57,357 --> 01:05:58,925
Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.
1584
01:05:59,027 --> 01:06:00,762
It ends on such
a down note.
1585
01:06:00,864 --> 01:06:03,126
Cut.
What? What happened?
1586
01:06:03,228 --> 01:06:04,359
RANDAL:
"Han gets frozen
1587
01:06:04,462 --> 01:06:06,732
"and taken away
by Boba Fett."
1588
01:06:06,834 --> 01:06:08,067
I said that.
1589
01:06:08,169 --> 01:06:09,771
No, you said,
"Han gets frozen,
1590
01:06:09,873 --> 01:06:11,167
"taken away
by Boba Fett."
1591
01:06:11,269 --> 01:06:12,235
You left out
the "and."
1592
01:06:12,337 --> 01:06:13,775
Do I come in
now, Randal?
1593
01:06:13,877 --> 01:06:16,278
Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.
1594
01:06:16,380 --> 01:06:18,406
You can blame Dante
for ad-libbing
all over my movie
1595
01:06:18,509 --> 01:06:19,980
like he's Seth
fucking Rogan.
1596
01:06:20,082 --> 01:06:21,983
Oh, my God,
I left out one word.
1597
01:06:22,085 --> 01:06:23,950
Every word is sacred
to the writer.
1598
01:06:24,052 --> 01:06:25,584
DANTE: This
isn't writing.
1599
01:06:25,686 --> 01:06:26,982
It's a bunch of shit
that happened
for real in my life.
1600
01:06:27,084 --> 01:06:28,317
My life.
1601
01:06:28,419 --> 01:06:29,922
Do I come in
now, Randal?
1602
01:06:30,024 --> 01:06:31,861
Not yet, Thomas.
Back.
1603
01:06:31,963 --> 01:06:34,664
Oh, man,
Thomas fucked
up again?
1604
01:06:34,766 --> 01:06:36,427
Stop fucking
shit up, Thomas.
1605
01:06:36,530 --> 01:06:39,867
Hey, fuck-o.
What'd you say
to my father?
1606
01:06:39,970 --> 01:06:41,166
How about I fuck
your shit up,
1607
01:06:41,268 --> 01:06:42,064
you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!
1608
01:06:42,166 --> 01:06:43,799
Shooter Bob!
1609
01:06:45,008 --> 01:06:46,504
That is the
Jersey-iest thing
1610
01:06:46,606 --> 01:06:49,742
I've ever heard
or seen in
my life. (LAUGHS)
1611
01:06:49,844 --> 01:06:51,843
And action.
1612
01:06:51,945 --> 01:06:52,977
(SQUELCHES)
1613
01:06:53,079 --> 01:06:54,511
That's your lung.
1614
01:06:54,613 --> 01:06:57,351
By this time,
your lung looks
like this.
1615
01:06:58,452 --> 01:07:00,382
So why don't you put
the cigarettes back
1616
01:07:00,484 --> 01:07:02,220
and try some
gum instead?
1617
01:07:02,322 --> 01:07:05,057
Here, Chewlies gum,
try this.
1618
01:07:05,159 --> 01:07:07,091
Oh, my God,
that reeks!
1619
01:07:07,193 --> 01:07:08,857
God!
What is that?
1620
01:07:08,959 --> 01:07:11,259
What happened
to the model of
the lung I gave ya?
1621
01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:12,867
I'm a method actor.
1622
01:07:12,969 --> 01:07:14,199
I ditched
the model lung
1623
01:07:14,301 --> 01:07:15,872
for this tripe
I got at Foodtown.
1624
01:07:15,974 --> 01:07:18,701
Jesus.
I used my power
of stagecraft
1625
01:07:18,803 --> 01:07:21,777
to see that
stomach as a lung.
It's method!
1626
01:07:21,879 --> 01:07:23,574
MAN: And you're
Dante Hicks.
1627
01:07:23,676 --> 01:07:26,309
We went to
the same school.
You played hockey.
1628
01:07:26,411 --> 01:07:27,915
Yeah. How'd you
know that?
1629
01:07:28,018 --> 01:07:29,378
You still going
out with her?
1630
01:07:29,480 --> 01:07:30,882
No, she's
getting married.
1631
01:07:30,984 --> 01:07:32,414
To you?
No.
1632
01:07:32,516 --> 01:07:34,317
To an Asian
design major.
1633
01:07:34,420 --> 01:07:36,192
MAN: What is...
You know what?
1634
01:07:36,294 --> 01:07:39,422
Cut, cut, cut!
I can't abide
by this racist shit.
1635
01:07:39,524 --> 01:07:41,790
Racist? How the
hell is it racist?
1636
01:07:41,892 --> 01:07:44,066
Just look at all
this fucking
lack of diversity.
1637
01:07:44,168 --> 01:07:48,505
And calling some
guy an Asian
design major
1638
01:07:48,607 --> 01:07:50,032
just feels racist.
1639
01:07:50,134 --> 01:07:54,477
That's not racist.
The guy literally
majored in Asian design.
1640
01:07:54,579 --> 01:07:56,312
Are you sure?
1641
01:07:56,414 --> 01:07:59,015
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian
student who was also
a design major?
1642
01:07:59,117 --> 01:08:02,945
He was a passionate
student of Asian design.
1643
01:08:03,047 --> 01:08:06,953
It just so happens
he himself was
coincidentally Asian.
1644
01:08:07,055 --> 01:08:08,323
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
1645
01:08:09,991 --> 01:08:11,287
Take it easy, man.
1646
01:08:11,389 --> 01:08:13,329
(CASH REGISTER BEEPS)
1647
01:08:13,431 --> 01:08:15,732
So, uh, where are
we gonna shoot the
donkey show scene?
1648
01:08:15,834 --> 01:08:17,700
Where it happened.
Mooby's.
1649
01:08:17,802 --> 01:08:19,165
Our Mooby's?
Yeah.
1650
01:08:19,267 --> 01:08:20,829
How are we supposed
to get in?
1651
01:08:20,931 --> 01:08:23,666
I got the locations
department
working on it.
1652
01:08:23,768 --> 01:08:26,841
EMPLOYEE: (GRUNTS)
It's stuck in my hair.
1653
01:08:26,943 --> 01:08:29,441
Shit. Can you
get it?
1654
01:08:29,543 --> 01:08:33,048
Ugh. I hate wearing
the Mooby suit, man.
1655
01:08:33,150 --> 01:08:35,350
(SALLY WALK
BY IMINIKON PLAYING)
1656
01:08:40,159 --> 01:08:43,158
♪ I'm just trying to see
Miss Sally walk
1657
01:08:43,260 --> 01:08:46,162
♪ In a simple baddest
On the block
1658
01:08:46,264 --> 01:08:49,264
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally Double Dutch
1659
01:08:49,366 --> 01:08:51,293
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally fuck it up
1660
01:08:51,395 --> 01:08:53,065
♪ Fuck it up
1661
01:08:53,167 --> 01:08:55,772
♪ Eenie-meenie-miney-mo
1662
01:08:55,874 --> 01:08:58,005
♪ Yo girl say she tryna go
1663
01:08:58,107 --> 01:08:59,237
♪ Red light, green light
1664
01:08:59,340 --> 01:09:01,140
♪ Now you can't find yo ho
1665
01:09:01,242 --> 01:09:02,405
♪ Freeze tag, this froze
1666
01:09:02,508 --> 01:09:04,313
♪ Took her to the jewelry store
1667
01:09:04,415 --> 01:09:06,612
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1668
01:09:06,714 --> 01:09:09,785
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1669
01:09:09,887 --> 01:09:11,480
♪ Miss Sally walk...
1670
01:09:11,582 --> 01:09:13,683
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
1671
01:09:13,785 --> 01:09:15,687
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
1672
01:09:15,789 --> 01:09:19,229
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1673
01:09:19,331 --> 01:09:21,091
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1674
01:09:21,193 --> 01:09:23,132
(DONKEY BRAYING)
1675
01:09:23,234 --> 01:09:25,828
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
1676
01:09:25,930 --> 01:09:28,704
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk ♪
1677
01:09:28,806 --> 01:09:30,834
(TRAIN HORN TOOTING)
1678
01:09:35,205 --> 01:09:36,411
No.
1679
01:09:38,446 --> 01:09:41,182
No what?
No, I... I can't
go inside.
1680
01:09:41,284 --> 01:09:42,783
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Of course, you can.
1681
01:09:42,885 --> 01:09:44,617
Becks, I can't.
1682
01:09:44,719 --> 01:09:48,154
We had the best
times of our lives
in that place.
1683
01:09:48,256 --> 01:09:50,719
Until one of our
lives ended.
1684
01:09:50,821 --> 01:09:52,691
(SIGHS) It's just
a building, Hicks.
1685
01:09:52,793 --> 01:09:56,332
It's just a building
I haven't been
inside since...
1686
01:09:58,298 --> 01:09:59,834
(TEARFULLY) Since you...
1687
01:09:59,936 --> 01:10:02,066
I know. I'm sorry.
1688
01:10:02,168 --> 01:10:03,904
(WHIMPERING)
1689
01:10:04,006 --> 01:10:05,506
Just turn the page.
1690
01:10:06,405 --> 01:10:07,871
You can do this,
babes.
1691
01:10:08,812 --> 01:10:10,940
No. (WHIMPERING)
1692
01:10:11,749 --> 01:10:12,913
Don't go.
1693
01:10:13,015 --> 01:10:14,284
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
1694
01:10:23,894 --> 01:10:25,328
(SOFT MUSIC FADES)
1695
01:10:26,929 --> 01:10:28,458
(SIGHING)
1696
01:10:28,560 --> 01:10:30,526
Uh, Randal.
This is Lisa
1697
01:10:30,628 --> 01:10:33,529
and her daughter...
Lisa.
1698
01:10:33,632 --> 01:10:35,300
Uh, Lisa goes
to high school
1699
01:10:35,403 --> 01:10:37,198
at Henry
Hudson Regional.
Oh.
1700
01:10:37,300 --> 01:10:40,677
And this is my husband,
Lando, who can
go straight to hell.
1701
01:10:40,779 --> 01:10:42,111
I'm so mad at you.
1702
01:10:42,213 --> 01:10:43,872
Don't say a damn word
the whole night.
1703
01:10:43,974 --> 01:10:46,511
Don't even
think words!
RANDAL: Uh...
1704
01:10:46,613 --> 01:10:48,115
We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute
1705
01:10:48,217 --> 01:10:49,448
so I gotta
chase you guys
1706
01:10:49,550 --> 01:10:50,645
out of here.
LISA: Oh, okay, my bad.
1707
01:10:50,747 --> 01:10:52,253
I guess you
don't want press
1708
01:10:52,355 --> 01:10:53,349
for your little
YouTube video, then.
1709
01:10:53,451 --> 01:10:54,583
Did you say press?
1710
01:10:54,685 --> 01:10:56,223
ELIAS: Mr. Dante
asked them
1711
01:10:56,325 --> 01:10:57,455
to come here
to cover the shoot.
1712
01:10:57,557 --> 01:10:59,796
So you're saying
little Lisa is...
1713
01:10:59,898 --> 01:11:02,360
Ah! High School Lisa.
1714
01:11:02,462 --> 01:11:03,759
Don't call her
little Lisa
1715
01:11:03,861 --> 01:11:05,600
and you better not
call me big Lisa.
1716
01:11:05,702 --> 01:11:09,303
High School Lisa
writes for the high
school newspaper?
1717
01:11:09,405 --> 01:11:11,300
And her parents
are the chaperones.
1718
01:11:11,402 --> 01:11:12,935
Fucking great.
1719
01:11:13,037 --> 01:11:14,272
LISA: Even though
one parent
just came out
1720
01:11:14,374 --> 01:11:15,939
of the strip club tonight
1721
01:11:16,041 --> 01:11:19,041
spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.
1722
01:11:21,415 --> 01:11:23,918
Hey! The producer's
on set.
1723
01:11:24,020 --> 01:11:27,185
So lights! Camera!
1724
01:11:27,287 --> 01:11:29,021
Action! (CHUCKLES)
1725
01:11:29,123 --> 01:11:30,789
He looks drunk.
1726
01:11:30,891 --> 01:11:32,890
He looks like
he needs a piece
of butter and bread.
1727
01:11:36,231 --> 01:11:37,833
Ooh, it's cold in here.
1728
01:11:37,935 --> 01:11:39,900
Cough cold... Hey!
1729
01:11:40,002 --> 01:11:41,403
All right, look,
1730
01:11:41,505 --> 01:11:43,906
I realize going to Mooby's
might have hit you hard
1731
01:11:44,008 --> 01:11:45,339
but you just take off?
1732
01:11:45,441 --> 01:11:47,710
We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!
1733
01:11:47,812 --> 01:11:48,771
Oh, big deal.
1734
01:11:48,873 --> 01:11:50,776
What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?
1735
01:11:50,878 --> 01:11:54,443
Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.
1736
01:11:54,545 --> 01:11:56,249
Myself?
Okay.
1737
01:11:56,351 --> 01:11:57,815
We're gonna
shoot this scene
1738
01:11:57,917 --> 01:11:59,648
because the kid from
the high school newspaper
1739
01:11:59,750 --> 01:12:01,523
and her mom
are waiting.
1740
01:12:01,625 --> 01:12:03,787
Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.
1741
01:12:03,889 --> 01:12:05,792
But since you
showed up here
shit-faced
1742
01:12:05,894 --> 01:12:08,560
and ruined tonight
before we even had
a chance to roll,
1743
01:12:08,662 --> 01:12:10,860
we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.
1744
01:12:10,963 --> 01:12:13,729
So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler
1745
01:12:13,831 --> 01:12:15,337
and let's pretend
for a minute
1746
01:12:15,439 --> 01:12:17,666
you've actually
been helpful
on my movie,
1747
01:12:17,769 --> 01:12:19,239
which is, like,
the only thing
1748
01:12:19,341 --> 01:12:21,177
I ever asked you
to do for me
1749
01:12:21,279 --> 01:12:23,210
and only after I almost
dropped dead
1750
01:12:23,313 --> 01:12:25,708
from a fucking
heart attack.
1751
01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:28,145
You're fucking
unbelievable, man.
1752
01:12:28,247 --> 01:12:29,716
Come on!
1753
01:12:31,053 --> 01:12:33,021
(DOOR OPENS)
1754
01:12:33,123 --> 01:12:35,425
(SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
1755
01:12:38,160 --> 01:12:39,154
(WHISPERS) What...
1756
01:12:41,229 --> 01:12:43,064
In Convenience.
1757
01:12:43,166 --> 01:12:44,630
(SOFTLY) Stupid title.
1758
01:12:44,732 --> 01:12:47,534
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Scene 137.
Take one.
1759
01:12:47,636 --> 01:12:49,536
Are they shooting this
in black and white?
1760
01:12:49,639 --> 01:12:52,237
I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.
1761
01:12:52,339 --> 01:12:54,642
RANDAL: And action.
1762
01:12:54,744 --> 01:12:57,442
(MIMICKING JAWS THEME MUSIC)
♪ Da-dum, da-dum...
1763
01:12:57,544 --> 01:12:59,447
♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum
1764
01:12:59,550 --> 01:13:01,784
♪ Da-dum, da-dum
Da-dum, dadum... ♪
1765
01:13:01,886 --> 01:13:03,646
Salsa shark!
1766
01:13:03,749 --> 01:13:05,455
We're gonna need
a bigger boat.
1767
01:13:07,051 --> 01:13:10,423
Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.
1768
01:13:10,525 --> 01:13:13,122
Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.
1769
01:13:14,892 --> 01:13:16,762
Oh, what?
What's with you, man?
1770
01:13:16,864 --> 01:13:18,595
You haven't said
anything in,
like, 20 minutes.
1771
01:13:18,698 --> 01:13:20,263
What the hell's
your problem?
1772
01:13:20,366 --> 01:13:21,770
This life.
1773
01:13:21,873 --> 01:13:23,833
This life?
1774
01:13:23,935 --> 01:13:26,773
I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,
1775
01:13:26,875 --> 01:13:30,640
dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.
1776
01:13:30,742 --> 01:13:32,676
I smell like
shoe polish,
1777
01:13:32,778 --> 01:13:35,381
and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.
1778
01:13:35,483 --> 01:13:36,580
Thirty-seven.
LISA: Oh!
1779
01:13:36,682 --> 01:13:38,387
Cover your ears,
baby girl.
1780
01:13:38,489 --> 01:13:39,948
Why the fuck
are they cursing
like that?
1781
01:13:40,050 --> 01:13:42,423
You need to shit
or get off the pot.
1782
01:13:42,525 --> 01:13:43,985
What the hell
are you talking about?
1783
01:13:44,087 --> 01:13:45,725
I'm talking about
this thing you have,
1784
01:13:45,827 --> 01:13:48,126
this inability
to improve your
station in life.
1785
01:13:48,229 --> 01:13:49,293
Fuck you.
1786
01:13:49,395 --> 01:13:50,997
It's true, man.
1787
01:13:51,099 --> 01:13:53,401
You sit there and
blame life for dealin'
ya a cruddy hand,
1788
01:13:53,503 --> 01:13:55,335
never once
accepting
responsibility
1789
01:13:55,438 --> 01:13:57,065
for the way your
situation is.
1790
01:13:57,167 --> 01:13:59,474
You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.
1791
01:13:59,576 --> 01:14:01,036
It's because
you're comfortable,
right?
1792
01:14:01,138 --> 01:14:02,675
This is the life of
convenience for you
1793
01:14:02,778 --> 01:14:04,712
and any attempt
to change it
would shatter
1794
01:14:04,814 --> 01:14:07,079
the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned
for yourself.
1795
01:14:07,181 --> 01:14:08,517
What?
1796
01:14:08,619 --> 01:14:09,979
Man, if you
weren't such
a fucking coward.
1797
01:14:10,081 --> 01:14:12,621
(SHOUTS) Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?
1798
01:14:13,884 --> 01:14:16,292
That's not
the line, man.
1799
01:14:16,394 --> 01:14:18,122
What are you doing?
My whole life
1800
01:14:18,224 --> 01:14:20,559
you've been running
your mouth a million
miles an hour
1801
01:14:20,661 --> 01:14:22,457
and saying
absolutely nothing!
1802
01:14:22,559 --> 01:14:24,199
(SCOFFS)
1803
01:14:24,302 --> 01:14:25,599
I gotta listen
to you talk shit
1804
01:14:25,701 --> 01:14:27,800
about everybody
and everything
you think
1805
01:14:27,902 --> 01:14:30,666
as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!
1806
01:14:30,768 --> 01:14:33,206
Nobody fuckin' cares.
1807
01:14:33,308 --> 01:14:34,707
Oh, real nice, pal.
1808
01:14:34,809 --> 01:14:36,345
Get me all worked up
because it's not like
1809
01:14:36,447 --> 01:14:37,743
I had a heart attack
and almost...
1810
01:14:37,845 --> 01:14:41,310
Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!
1811
01:14:41,412 --> 01:14:44,079
"Did I not mention
that a couple of
thousand times yet?"
1812
01:14:44,181 --> 01:14:47,287
Fuck you.
"Hey, everybody,
look at me.
1813
01:14:47,389 --> 01:14:48,618
"I'm the boy who lived."
1814
01:14:48,720 --> 01:14:49,818
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
1815
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:51,693
"So I gotta
make a movie
1816
01:14:51,795 --> 01:14:53,690
"all about what
a relentless fucking
asshole I am
1817
01:14:53,792 --> 01:14:55,123
"to everybody
I ever met,
1818
01:14:55,225 --> 01:14:57,795
"especially my so-called
fucking friends."
1819
01:14:57,897 --> 01:14:59,598
Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.
1820
01:14:59,700 --> 01:15:01,236
You can fucking
believe that shit.
1821
01:15:01,338 --> 01:15:02,534
(LAUGHS) Oh, good!
Yeah.
1822
01:15:02,636 --> 01:15:04,366
Because if we're
not friends,
1823
01:15:04,468 --> 01:15:07,376
I don't have to worry
anymore what
the cold, hard truth
1824
01:15:07,478 --> 01:15:09,238
might do to your poor,
wittle heart!
1825
01:15:09,340 --> 01:15:12,181
Oh, don't worry
about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.
1826
01:15:12,284 --> 01:15:13,446
So since I can
be completely
1827
01:15:13,548 --> 01:15:14,743
honest with you?
Oh, please,
1828
01:15:14,845 --> 01:15:16,511
be completely honest.
1829
01:15:16,613 --> 01:15:18,517
(SCOFFS)
1830
01:15:18,620 --> 01:15:21,219
You think you
deserve a movie?
1831
01:15:21,321 --> 01:15:22,755
Yeah.
1832
01:15:22,857 --> 01:15:26,326
What did you
ever do in life
but watch it
1833
01:15:26,428 --> 01:15:27,890
and mock it?
(SCOFFS)
1834
01:15:27,992 --> 01:15:30,394
What have you ever
fucking done?
1835
01:15:30,496 --> 01:15:32,063
I had a life.
1836
01:15:33,834 --> 01:15:36,031
I was this close
to happily ever after
1837
01:15:36,133 --> 01:15:39,906
and then, one drunk
driver later...
1838
01:15:41,243 --> 01:15:42,612
my movie's over.
1839
01:15:43,310 --> 01:15:44,581
Forever.
1840
01:15:46,149 --> 01:15:47,608
No happy ending,
1841
01:15:47,711 --> 01:15:49,713
no sequel.
1842
01:15:49,815 --> 01:15:51,849
Not even a third
fucking act,
1843
01:15:51,951 --> 01:15:55,222
just, "Fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,
1844
01:15:55,324 --> 01:15:58,320
"fuck you!" Credits.
1845
01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:01,598
(SNIFFLES)
But, hey...
1846
01:16:02,599 --> 01:16:05,000
What's that compared
to a heart attack?
1847
01:16:05,102 --> 01:16:07,062
I mean, shit!
1848
01:16:07,164 --> 01:16:09,806
You could have
almost died, right?
1849
01:16:09,908 --> 01:16:11,272
Yeah.
1850
01:16:11,374 --> 01:16:13,137
Well, some of us
did die.
1851
01:16:15,878 --> 01:16:18,912
Some of us have
been dead inside
ever since.
1852
01:16:19,014 --> 01:16:22,346
But then, just when
I'm able to walk
into this place
1853
01:16:22,448 --> 01:16:26,788
without wanting to
kill myself every day,
you have an idea.
1854
01:16:27,921 --> 01:16:29,890
You wanna make a movie
about your life.
1855
01:16:29,992 --> 01:16:32,926
Oh, and you...
you've been very
clear about that.
1856
01:16:33,691 --> 01:16:35,093
It's your life!
1857
01:16:36,797 --> 01:16:39,862
Well, get this,
you self-centered,
1858
01:16:39,964 --> 01:16:41,502
gaping wound
of a human being
1859
01:16:41,604 --> 01:16:43,732
with your insatiable
fucking ego!
1860
01:16:43,834 --> 01:16:45,601
(SCOFFS) The fuck?
1861
01:16:45,703 --> 01:16:47,039
Your life...
1862
01:16:48,277 --> 01:16:49,778
is my life!
1863
01:16:51,110 --> 01:16:54,343
I've been
there with you
the whole time!
1864
01:16:56,821 --> 01:17:00,085
And since you know
how hard that life's
been on me,
1865
01:17:00,985 --> 01:17:03,451
did it ever
occur to you
1866
01:17:03,553 --> 01:17:07,191
that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?
1867
01:17:09,859 --> 01:17:11,096
So, I quit...
1868
01:17:11,862 --> 01:17:13,395
as your producer.
1869
01:17:15,337 --> 01:17:16,871
And I quit...
1870
01:17:18,309 --> 01:17:20,204
as your fucking friend.
1871
01:17:22,378 --> 01:17:23,644
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
1872
01:17:23,746 --> 01:17:26,144
'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...
1873
01:17:27,546 --> 01:17:28,578
(GRUNTS)
1874
01:17:28,680 --> 01:17:30,649
(BODY THUDS)
1875
01:17:30,752 --> 01:17:33,050
Now that's what
I call acting!
1876
01:17:33,152 --> 01:17:36,017
Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.
1877
01:17:36,120 --> 01:17:38,992
Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky,
get up.
1878
01:17:41,230 --> 01:17:42,292
Dante?
1879
01:17:43,429 --> 01:17:44,426
Hey.
1880
01:17:45,268 --> 01:17:48,764
Hey. Hey! Dante!
1881
01:17:48,866 --> 01:17:50,304
Wake up, man. Hey!
1882
01:17:50,406 --> 01:17:51,704
Call an ambulance!
1883
01:17:51,806 --> 01:17:54,304
Wake up, man.
Dante. Dante!
1884
01:17:58,149 --> 01:17:59,943
Dante? Um...
1885
01:18:00,045 --> 01:18:01,684
Excuse me. We're...
What the...
1886
01:18:01,786 --> 01:18:02,978
No, you can't be
back here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1887
01:18:03,080 --> 01:18:05,487
All right,
already. God.
1888
01:18:05,589 --> 01:18:06,717
They just brought
our friend in.
1889
01:18:06,819 --> 01:18:08,483
His name
is Dante Hicks.
1890
01:18:08,585 --> 01:18:10,186
He's the drunk guy
that collapsed
at the QuickStop.
1891
01:18:10,288 --> 01:18:11,792
NURSE: Uh-huh.
The first
responder said
1892
01:18:11,894 --> 01:18:12,988
he's having
a heart attack.
Okay, okay.
1893
01:18:13,091 --> 01:18:14,562
You need to wait
out there, sir.
1894
01:18:14,664 --> 01:18:15,793
Someone will be by
to tell you more
1895
01:18:15,895 --> 01:18:17,363
as soon as
we know more.
1896
01:18:17,465 --> 01:18:19,133
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
1897
01:18:19,236 --> 01:18:20,231
Thank you.
1898
01:18:22,840 --> 01:18:25,474
(SIGHS) This is where
I first rejected Jesus.
1899
01:18:25,576 --> 01:18:28,575
Yeah, and now look
what's happened.
1900
01:18:28,677 --> 01:18:30,005
So weird to be
back here.
1901
01:18:30,107 --> 01:18:32,307
Yeah, tell me
about it.
1902
01:18:32,410 --> 01:18:34,883
All right, look.
I'm gonna get
out of here.
1903
01:18:34,985 --> 01:18:37,145
Call me as soon
as they say something,
all right?
1904
01:18:37,247 --> 01:18:38,851
Wait, what?
Where are you going?
1905
01:18:38,953 --> 01:18:41,618
I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.
1906
01:18:41,720 --> 01:18:42,821
Your movie?
1907
01:18:42,923 --> 01:18:44,520
Yeah, I mean,
it's almost done.
1908
01:18:44,622 --> 01:18:46,595
It's not like I'm doing
Dante any good
sitting around here.
1909
01:18:46,697 --> 01:18:48,695
I might as well
go work on my movie.
1910
01:18:48,797 --> 01:18:51,133
Are you kidding me?
Even now?
1911
01:18:51,235 --> 01:18:53,201
"Even now" what?
1912
01:18:53,303 --> 01:18:54,603
"Oh, my movie.
1913
01:18:54,705 --> 01:18:56,735
"My movie!
Everybody make
my movie
1914
01:18:56,838 --> 01:18:58,399
"because it's
so important."
1915
01:18:58,502 --> 01:19:00,741
(SCOFFS) This is neither
the time nor the place
1916
01:19:00,843 --> 01:19:02,403
to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.
1917
01:19:02,505 --> 01:19:04,610
I'm doing
an impression
of you, Randal.
1918
01:19:04,712 --> 01:19:06,043
We're in
the hospital.
1919
01:19:06,145 --> 01:19:08,112
That's stating
the obvious.
No.
1920
01:19:08,214 --> 01:19:10,385
The obvious statement
right now would be,
1921
01:19:10,487 --> 01:19:11,785
"Never mind the movie,
1922
01:19:11,887 --> 01:19:13,317
"my best friend's
in the hospital."
1923
01:19:13,419 --> 01:19:17,393
It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.
1924
01:19:17,495 --> 01:19:19,490
Fuck you, Randal.
(SCOFFS)
1925
01:19:19,593 --> 01:19:20,823
Fuck you.
1926
01:19:20,925 --> 01:19:22,696
Come on.
God, man.
1927
01:19:22,798 --> 01:19:24,798
I used to look up
to you so much
1928
01:19:24,900 --> 01:19:27,095
but you're the worst,
you know that?
1929
01:19:27,197 --> 01:19:28,669
The worst
in the world.
1930
01:19:28,771 --> 01:19:31,836
Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.
1931
01:19:31,938 --> 01:19:34,070
I made my
movie happen.
1932
01:19:34,172 --> 01:19:36,641
I had the idea
to make the movie.
1933
01:19:36,743 --> 01:19:37,942
I wrote the script
1934
01:19:38,044 --> 01:19:39,811
and I'm the
goddamn director.
1935
01:19:39,913 --> 01:19:41,711
I made this
movie happen.
1936
01:19:41,813 --> 01:19:43,311
It was all me.
1937
01:19:43,413 --> 01:19:46,353
Oh, it was
all you, huh?
Yeah.
1938
01:19:46,455 --> 01:19:47,582
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
1939
01:19:48,858 --> 01:19:51,025
Take off your stupid
mask, Randal.
1940
01:19:51,657 --> 01:19:53,258
Yeah.
1941
01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:55,590
Because I remember
Mr. Dante
doing everything.
1942
01:19:55,692 --> 01:19:59,535
He even called
his ex-fiancee
who hates his guts.
1943
01:19:59,637 --> 01:20:02,201
He put up his half
of QuickStop
1944
01:20:02,303 --> 01:20:05,273
just to get you
the money to make
your stupid movie.
1945
01:20:05,375 --> 01:20:06,742
Wait a minute.
1946
01:20:06,844 --> 01:20:08,908
Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?
1947
01:20:09,010 --> 01:20:10,579
MAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM)
Code Blue. ER 7.
1948
01:20:10,681 --> 01:20:12,408
Dante, I didn't know
about Emma.
1949
01:20:12,510 --> 01:20:13,946
I just found out.
You again?
What did I say?
1950
01:20:14,048 --> 01:20:15,142
I didn't know.
What did I say, huh?
1951
01:20:15,244 --> 01:20:16,518
Security!
Is he okay?
1952
01:20:16,621 --> 01:20:17,817
Get out of here,
man. Get out!
1953
01:20:17,919 --> 01:20:20,489
Is he okay?
Get out! Security!
1954
01:20:20,591 --> 01:20:22,518
All right.
Get off of me!
1955
01:20:23,991 --> 01:20:25,728
Randal, where
are you going?
1956
01:20:25,830 --> 01:20:27,323
(LE GRANDE FROMAGE
BY REBUILDER PLAYING)
1957
01:20:27,425 --> 01:20:30,900
♪ Skip amongst
The telephone lines
1958
01:20:32,837 --> 01:20:35,597
♪ Catch a frequency
To pass the time
1959
01:20:38,007 --> 01:20:41,977
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1960
01:20:43,109 --> 01:20:46,377
♪ Living along the turnpike
1961
01:20:50,949 --> 01:20:53,221
♪ Headed home
1962
01:20:53,323 --> 01:20:54,248
Fuck!
1963
01:20:54,350 --> 01:20:56,285
♪ With the smell of smoke
1964
01:20:56,387 --> 01:20:59,929
♪ We ran out of things
To say
1965
01:21:01,631 --> 01:21:03,796
♪ So let it unfold
1966
01:21:03,899 --> 01:21:06,594
♪ We pumped the tires full
1967
01:21:06,696 --> 01:21:12,005
♪ All our favorite songs
Were shitty anyway
1968
01:21:12,107 --> 01:21:15,637
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1969
01:21:17,244 --> 01:21:21,082
♪ Skip amongst
The telephone lines
1970
01:21:22,447 --> 01:21:26,417
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1971
01:21:27,824 --> 01:21:30,960
♪ Living along the turnpike
1972
01:21:43,467 --> 01:21:46,841
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1973
01:21:46,943 --> 01:21:48,843
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1974
01:21:48,945 --> 01:21:51,879
♪ I gave up everything
To leave
1975
01:21:51,981 --> 01:21:54,211
♪ I gave up everything
To leave
1976
01:21:54,313 --> 01:21:57,049
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1977
01:21:57,151 --> 01:21:58,952
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1978
01:21:59,054 --> 01:22:02,119
♪ I gave up everything
To leave
1979
01:22:02,221 --> 01:22:03,384
♪ I gave up everything... ♪
1980
01:22:03,486 --> 01:22:05,822
I think it needs
more weed.
Hmm.
1981
01:22:05,924 --> 01:22:07,156
God. Hey...
1982
01:22:07,258 --> 01:22:09,064
I need your help
with Dante.
1983
01:22:11,996 --> 01:22:13,030
Who's Dante?
1984
01:22:13,132 --> 01:22:16,500
The fuck do
you mean? Dante.
1985
01:22:16,602 --> 01:22:19,841
The other guy,
the guy in the QuickStop
who's not me?
1986
01:22:19,943 --> 01:22:21,503
Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.
1987
01:22:21,605 --> 01:22:24,646
Ain't his name Sergio?
It's fucking Dante.
1988
01:22:24,749 --> 01:22:26,747
Are you gonna
help me or not?
1989
01:22:26,849 --> 01:22:29,249
Anything for
our boy Sergio.
1990
01:22:29,351 --> 01:22:32,583
I need to sneak
into the hospital
to get to Sergio,
1991
01:22:32,685 --> 01:22:36,922
so I want you guys
to create a very
subtle distraction.
1992
01:22:37,024 --> 01:22:40,661
I took a poo
in the ICU!
1993
01:22:40,763 --> 01:22:42,058
I took a...
Oh, shit!
1994
01:22:42,160 --> 01:22:44,132
SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Hey!
1995
01:22:45,231 --> 01:22:47,903
♪ Give up everything to leave
1996
01:22:48,005 --> 01:22:51,268
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1997
01:22:51,370 --> 01:22:53,336
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1998
01:22:53,438 --> 01:22:56,045
♪ Living along the turnpike ♪
1999
01:22:57,646 --> 01:22:59,180
(SONG FADES)
2000
01:23:01,981 --> 01:23:03,318
(MONITOR BEEPING)
2001
01:23:03,420 --> 01:23:04,647
Dante?
2002
01:23:13,563 --> 01:23:15,526
Hey, man.
2003
01:23:15,628 --> 01:23:18,964
I figure, since
you're just
laying around here...
2004
01:23:19,067 --> 01:23:21,235
you little heart
attack copycat.
2005
01:23:22,907 --> 01:23:25,635
You got time to watch
our first movie.
2006
01:23:27,608 --> 01:23:29,177
Huh?
2007
01:23:43,058 --> 01:23:44,454
You're gonna see
I was way off
2008
01:23:44,556 --> 01:23:47,427
with that stupid shit
I said at the store.
2009
01:23:47,529 --> 01:23:52,431
I never... never would
have made this
movie without you.
2010
01:23:55,005 --> 01:23:57,238
I never could do
anything without you.
2011
01:24:03,143 --> 01:24:05,581
I'm here, man.
I'm here.
2012
01:24:05,683 --> 01:24:07,446
Let's watch the movie.
2013
01:24:16,686 --> 01:24:19,095
(O WALY, WALY
BY GERARD WAY PLAYING)
2014
01:24:41,214 --> 01:24:43,381
This is the way
I see you.
2015
01:24:43,483 --> 01:24:46,987
You're the main character
in my Star Wars.
2016
01:24:47,089 --> 01:24:49,186
(SNIFFLES)
You're not the Dak.
2017
01:24:49,289 --> 01:24:52,259
You've always
been the Luke.
2018
01:24:52,361 --> 01:24:54,757
(VOICE BREAKING) You're
the hero of my movie, too.
2019
01:24:56,593 --> 01:24:59,096
You've always been
my hero, Dante.
2020
01:24:59,198 --> 01:25:03,364
♪ The water is wide
2021
01:25:03,466 --> 01:25:06,637
♪ I can't get over
2022
01:25:08,041 --> 01:25:12,208
♪ Neither have I
2023
01:25:12,310 --> 01:25:16,816
♪ The wings to fly
2024
01:25:16,918 --> 01:25:21,084
♪ So go and get
2025
01:25:21,186 --> 01:25:24,292
♪ Me to a boat
2026
01:25:25,729 --> 01:25:28,758
♪ To carry both
2027
01:25:29,832 --> 01:25:34,269
♪ My love and I
2028
01:25:35,672 --> 01:25:39,175
(VOCALIZING)
2029
01:26:09,103 --> 01:26:10,935
♪ There is a ship
2030
01:26:11,037 --> 01:26:13,367
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
2031
01:26:13,469 --> 01:26:16,740
♪ Out on the sea
2032
01:26:17,980 --> 01:26:22,178
♪ And loaded deep
2033
01:26:22,280 --> 01:26:25,419
♪ As it can be
2034
01:26:26,956 --> 01:26:30,989
♪ But not as deep
2035
01:26:31,091 --> 01:26:34,221
♪ As love am I
2036
01:26:34,324 --> 01:26:35,423
Let's go.
2037
01:26:35,525 --> 01:26:36,863
♪ Don't care if I
2038
01:26:36,965 --> 01:26:38,696
Yeah?
Yeah.
2039
01:26:39,969 --> 01:26:41,998
♪ Should live or die...
2040
01:26:42,100 --> 01:26:43,371
(SIGHS)
2041
01:26:44,801 --> 01:26:46,671
That was the best
movie I ever saw.
2042
01:26:47,910 --> 01:26:49,003
But it's not over.
2043
01:26:50,113 --> 01:26:51,742
Don't you wanna
see how it ends?
2044
01:26:52,443 --> 01:26:53,975
I trust the director.
2045
01:26:55,317 --> 01:26:57,918
He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...
2046
01:26:58,020 --> 01:27:01,785
♪ The wings to fly
2047
01:27:02,992 --> 01:27:04,623
He was my best friend.
2048
01:27:06,522 --> 01:27:09,323
♪ Me to a boat
2049
01:27:09,425 --> 01:27:10,666
(DANTE SNIFFLES)
2050
01:27:10,768 --> 01:27:13,566
♪ To carry both
2051
01:27:15,069 --> 01:27:19,136
♪ My love and I
2052
01:27:19,238 --> 01:27:22,641
♪ To carry both
2053
01:27:23,847 --> 01:27:28,014
♪ My love and I
2054
01:27:28,116 --> 01:27:30,011
(MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
2055
01:27:34,222 --> 01:27:36,457
What's goin' on?
(SNIFFLES)
2056
01:27:37,288 --> 01:27:38,794
You okay? Hey.
2057
01:27:38,896 --> 01:27:40,995
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
2058
01:27:41,098 --> 01:27:43,291
Don't fucking
leave me, man.
2059
01:27:43,393 --> 01:27:45,359
Don't leave me!
2060
01:27:45,461 --> 01:27:47,831
Oh, shit. Help!
2061
01:27:47,933 --> 01:27:50,405
(JUST BREATHE BY PEARL JAM
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
2062
01:28:00,382 --> 01:28:02,351
And that's when
the good thief said,
2063
01:28:02,453 --> 01:28:06,520
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are
but thieves."
2064
01:28:07,850 --> 01:28:09,521
What the fuck
are butt thieves?
2065
01:28:09,623 --> 01:28:11,057
I don't know
if any of you
know this
2066
01:28:11,159 --> 01:28:14,592
but I'm
a Satanist now.
2067
01:28:14,694 --> 01:28:17,399
And while I may be
the devil's concubine,
2068
01:28:18,200 --> 01:28:20,066
I still believe
in heaven.
2069
01:28:20,168 --> 01:28:22,170
And because
Mr. Dante
2070
01:28:22,272 --> 01:28:24,700
was the best person
that I ever knew,
2071
01:28:24,802 --> 01:28:26,738
I believe
he's in heaven
right now,
2072
01:28:27,737 --> 01:28:29,510
just like
the good thief.
2073
01:28:31,816 --> 01:28:33,041
Dante's Inferno.
2074
01:28:34,310 --> 01:28:35,516
No.
2075
01:28:36,315 --> 01:28:37,914
Dante's Paradiso!
2076
01:28:39,217 --> 01:28:40,422
Si.
2077
01:28:59,272 --> 01:29:01,003
Grazie, Elias.
2078
01:29:04,674 --> 01:29:08,778
(CLEARS THROAT)
I, uh...
2079
01:29:08,881 --> 01:29:12,317
I thought a lot about
what to say here today.
2080
01:29:12,420 --> 01:29:13,816
I was gonna pull
from the eulogy
2081
01:29:13,918 --> 01:29:17,392
that Kirk gave Spock
in The Wrath of Khan,
2082
01:29:17,494 --> 01:29:19,390
but I've always
been more of
a Star Wars fan
2083
01:29:19,493 --> 01:29:21,727
so I should say
something like,
2084
01:29:21,829 --> 01:29:25,896
"May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."
2085
01:29:27,063 --> 01:29:28,731
But I think instead
of quoting a movie,
2086
01:29:28,833 --> 01:29:31,702
I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.
2087
01:29:31,804 --> 01:29:33,935
And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,
2088
01:29:34,038 --> 01:29:36,710
not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect
2089
01:29:36,812 --> 01:29:39,679
right up until that
stupid shot of the rat
at the end.
2090
01:29:42,117 --> 01:29:44,684
So in the words...
2091
01:29:44,786 --> 01:29:46,983
(VOICE BREAKING)
...of the best guy
I ever knew...
2092
01:29:50,120 --> 01:29:53,259
"You're not
even supposed
to be here today."
2093
01:29:53,361 --> 01:29:57,229
♪ Nothing you would take
2094
01:29:57,331 --> 01:30:02,300
♪ Everything you gave
2095
01:30:02,402 --> 01:30:06,141
♪ Hold me 'til I die
2096
01:30:06,243 --> 01:30:11,007
♪ Meet you on the other side
2097
01:30:15,145 --> 01:30:16,744
RANDAL: Come on in here,
you little butt thief,
2098
01:30:16,847 --> 01:30:19,847
and assume your
new position.
2099
01:30:19,949 --> 01:30:21,816
But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.
2100
01:30:21,918 --> 01:30:23,654
Yeah, well,
after all this time
2101
01:30:23,756 --> 01:30:26,423
of being my biggest
and only fanboy,
2102
01:30:26,525 --> 01:30:28,256
I'd say you
earned it.
2103
01:30:28,358 --> 01:30:30,096
Besides, I told you
way back when
we worked at Mooby's
2104
01:30:30,198 --> 01:30:31,431
when Dante is gone,
2105
01:30:31,533 --> 01:30:33,064
you're gonna be
my new best friend.
2106
01:30:33,167 --> 01:30:34,132
(CHUCKLES)
2107
01:30:34,234 --> 01:30:35,700
No, I'm not.
2108
01:30:35,803 --> 01:30:37,368
Who the fuck
else am I gonna
hang out with?
2109
01:30:37,470 --> 01:30:38,771
It's you and
me, buddy.
2110
01:30:41,043 --> 01:30:42,838
Oh, fuck.
2111
01:30:42,940 --> 01:30:45,940
Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big Shit.
2112
01:30:46,042 --> 01:30:49,282
Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big Clit.
2113
01:30:49,385 --> 01:30:51,782
Classy. How am
I not surprised?
2114
01:30:51,884 --> 01:30:54,154
I was surprised
to see you
at the cemetery.
2115
01:30:54,256 --> 01:30:55,954
You flew up
for Dante?
2116
01:30:56,056 --> 01:30:59,724
Well, I did almost
marry the man,
and if I had... P.S.
2117
01:30:59,826 --> 01:31:01,523
He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack
2118
01:31:01,625 --> 01:31:03,057
before he was 50.
2119
01:31:03,159 --> 01:31:05,430
Yeah, because
after a year
with you,
2120
01:31:05,532 --> 01:31:06,829
he'd have
killed himself.
2121
01:31:06,931 --> 01:31:09,871
I think I heard
you had a heart attack.
2122
01:31:09,973 --> 01:31:11,100
Am I right?
2123
01:31:12,573 --> 01:31:14,638
That must really
fuck with you.
2124
01:31:14,740 --> 01:31:18,710
Dante's dead but
you're still here.
2125
01:31:18,812 --> 01:31:20,709
I guess it's true
what they say, Randal.
2126
01:31:20,811 --> 01:31:24,284
Only the good
die young.
2127
01:31:24,387 --> 01:31:25,813
To what do
I owe the pleasure
2128
01:31:25,916 --> 01:31:28,749
of your entirely
unwelcome visit?
2129
01:31:28,851 --> 01:31:32,660
I loaned Dante
30 grand
2130
01:31:32,762 --> 01:31:37,195
and he put his half
of the store up
as collateral.
2131
01:31:37,297 --> 01:31:39,030
Now he's gone.
2132
01:31:39,132 --> 01:31:43,101
And if you can't
pay me back,
I own half this shithole.
2133
01:31:43,204 --> 01:31:45,836
(SIGHING)
2134
01:31:45,938 --> 01:31:48,207
How big's
my clit now,
motherfucker?
2135
01:31:48,309 --> 01:31:50,876
Oh, my sweet Satan,
2136
01:31:52,077 --> 01:31:55,082
lend your might
to the meek
and deliver us
2137
01:31:55,184 --> 01:31:57,278
from this succubus.
2138
01:31:58,353 --> 01:32:00,386
What the...
(PANTING)
2139
01:32:00,488 --> 01:32:02,355
The kites are flying!
Ah!
2140
01:32:02,457 --> 01:32:04,454
I repeat!
The kites are...
2141
01:32:04,556 --> 01:32:05,587
flying!
He talks?
2142
01:32:05,689 --> 01:32:07,555
Yes.
Oh, my God.
2143
01:32:07,657 --> 01:32:09,130
Oh, my God!
2144
01:32:09,232 --> 01:32:10,825
Oh, my God!
What?
2145
01:32:10,927 --> 01:32:12,432
The kites
are sold out.
2146
01:32:12,534 --> 01:32:14,829
The fucking kites,
God, the kites.
2147
01:32:14,931 --> 01:32:16,637
The Crimson
Kite NFT's,
2148
01:32:16,739 --> 01:32:18,670
the ones we minted for
the Crimson Crypto Club.
2149
01:32:18,772 --> 01:32:20,240
Blockchain put them
on sale last night
2150
01:32:20,342 --> 01:32:21,303
and they all
sold out.
2151
01:32:21,405 --> 01:32:22,903
So?
2152
01:32:23,005 --> 01:32:24,443
The two of us
just made...
2153
01:32:24,545 --> 01:32:25,774
One million!
One million!
2154
01:32:25,876 --> 01:32:27,481
One million dollars!
Ah!
2155
01:32:27,583 --> 01:32:30,278
Hail Satan!
I'm crypto
rich, bitch!
2156
01:32:30,380 --> 01:32:34,320
I just cashed out
$100,000 just to
flex and buy sex.
2157
01:32:34,422 --> 01:32:35,986
Here, take that.
Shit.
2158
01:32:36,088 --> 01:32:37,825
What're you gonna
do with your
money, Big E?
2159
01:32:37,927 --> 01:32:40,627
I'll never be able
to earn my place
behind this counter
2160
01:32:40,729 --> 01:32:43,724
but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking
2161
01:32:43,826 --> 01:32:44,993
blood money.
Oh!
2162
01:32:45,095 --> 01:32:47,629
Now, get the hell
out of our store!
2163
01:32:47,731 --> 01:32:50,738
Well played, clerks.
2164
01:32:51,705 --> 01:32:52,933
ELIAS: Sorry about
the mess.
2165
01:32:53,035 --> 01:32:55,939
That was from
Star Wars.
2166
01:32:56,041 --> 01:32:57,809
I only said it
'cause you
and Mr. Dante
2167
01:32:57,911 --> 01:32:59,948
used to talk
about Star Wars.
I know.
2168
01:33:00,050 --> 01:33:01,375
Long time ago.
2169
01:33:02,850 --> 01:33:05,918
In a galaxy
far, far away...
(DOOR OPENS)
2170
01:33:06,886 --> 01:33:08,586
Holy fuck,
that's a lot
of money.
2171
01:33:08,688 --> 01:33:09,785
You wanna buy
some weed?
2172
01:33:09,888 --> 01:33:11,752
Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!
2173
01:33:11,854 --> 01:33:13,086
Here's ten grand.
2174
01:33:13,188 --> 01:33:14,657
Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher
2175
01:33:14,759 --> 01:33:16,924
than Godzilla's
asshole.
2176
01:33:17,026 --> 01:33:19,564
Yo, where those
kites at?
2177
01:33:19,667 --> 01:33:22,000
Right this way,
valued customer.
2178
01:33:24,803 --> 01:33:26,708
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Aye-yi-yi.
2179
01:33:27,308 --> 01:33:28,842
(SNIFFLES)
2180
01:33:32,309 --> 01:33:34,716
(I'M FROM NEW JERSEY
BY JOHN GORKA PLAYING)
2181
01:33:38,054 --> 01:33:39,314
(SIGHS)
2182
01:33:40,687 --> 01:33:42,691
I wish you were
here, man.
2183
01:33:44,624 --> 01:33:47,724
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2184
01:33:47,826 --> 01:33:51,299
♪ I don't expect too much
2185
01:33:51,402 --> 01:33:54,498
♪ If the world ended today
2186
01:33:54,600 --> 01:33:56,771
♪ I would adjust
2187
01:33:57,835 --> 01:34:00,902
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2188
01:34:01,005 --> 01:34:04,278
♪ No, I don't talk that way
2189
01:34:04,380 --> 01:34:07,875
♪ I watched too much TV
2190
01:34:07,977 --> 01:34:10,312
♪ When I was young
2191
01:34:12,721 --> 01:34:14,654
♪ There are girls
From New Jersey
2192
01:34:14,756 --> 01:34:19,527
♪ Who have
That great big hair
2193
01:34:19,629 --> 01:34:22,230
♪ They're found
In shopping malls
2194
01:34:22,332 --> 01:34:28,902
♪ I will take you there
2195
01:34:37,809 --> 01:34:41,315
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2196
01:34:41,417 --> 01:34:44,483
♪ It's not like Texas
2197
01:34:44,585 --> 01:34:47,816
♪ There is no mystery
2198
01:34:47,918 --> 01:34:51,292
♪ I can't pretend
2199
01:34:51,394 --> 01:34:54,525
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2200
01:34:54,627 --> 01:34:57,958
♪ It's like Ohio
2201
01:34:58,060 --> 01:35:01,334
♪ But even more so
2202
01:35:01,436 --> 01:35:03,464
♪ Imagine that
2203
01:35:06,035 --> 01:35:08,639
♪ I know which exit
2204
01:35:08,741 --> 01:35:12,842
♪ And where I'm bound
2205
01:35:12,945 --> 01:35:14,976
♪ The tolls on the parkway
2206
01:35:15,078 --> 01:35:21,350
♪ They will slow you down
2207
01:35:31,368 --> 01:35:34,501
♪ New Jersey people
2208
01:35:34,603 --> 01:35:37,637
♪ They will surprise you
2209
01:35:37,739 --> 01:35:41,374
♪ 'Cause they're not expected
2210
01:35:41,476 --> 01:35:44,412
♪ To do too much
2211
01:35:44,514 --> 01:35:47,711
♪ They will try harder
2212
01:35:47,813 --> 01:35:51,078
♪ They may go further
2213
01:35:51,180 --> 01:35:53,014
♪ 'Cause they never think
2214
01:35:53,117 --> 01:35:56,825
♪ That they are good enough
2215
01:35:57,856 --> 01:36:01,055
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2216
01:36:01,157 --> 01:36:04,531
♪ I don't expect too much
2217
01:36:04,634 --> 01:36:07,730
♪ If the world ended today
2218
01:36:07,832 --> 01:36:10,865
♪ I would adjust
2219
01:36:10,967 --> 01:36:13,336
♪ I would adjust
2220
01:36:14,642 --> 01:36:17,208
♪ I would adjust ♪
2221
01:36:22,280 --> 01:36:24,479
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
2222
01:36:50,373 --> 01:36:52,310
Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,
2223
01:36:52,412 --> 01:36:55,410
and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip
2224
01:36:55,512 --> 01:36:58,752
to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.
2225
01:36:58,854 --> 01:37:01,055
Um... This time's
exciting for me
2226
01:37:01,157 --> 01:37:03,350
because this time everyone
finally gets to see Clerks
2227
01:37:03,452 --> 01:37:05,290
the way I've always
seen Clerks.
2228
01:37:05,392 --> 01:37:07,590
Most people think that Clerks
is a black and white movie
2229
01:37:07,692 --> 01:37:09,896
and they're right.
It was shot on black
and white film.
2230
01:37:09,998 --> 01:37:12,964
But, to me,
whenever I watch Clerks,
2231
01:37:13,066 --> 01:37:14,161
even though
it's in black and white,
2232
01:37:14,263 --> 01:37:15,866
the movie appears in color.
2233
01:37:15,968 --> 01:37:17,197
Because I lived that life.
2234
01:37:17,300 --> 01:37:19,238
And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
2235
01:37:19,340 --> 01:37:23,173
you're all seein' QuickStop
and the surrounding area,
2236
01:37:23,275 --> 01:37:25,208
uh, Dante, Randal,
Jay and Silent Bob
2237
01:37:25,310 --> 01:37:28,648
as I've always seen them
from day one.
2238
01:37:28,750 --> 01:37:31,017
Um, in vivid, living color.
2239
01:37:31,119 --> 01:37:36,350
Uh, you know, QuickStop
is the unsung, uh, star
2240
01:37:36,452 --> 01:37:38,624
of all the Clerks movies,
if not,
2241
01:37:38,726 --> 01:37:40,157
you know, the epicenter
2242
01:37:40,260 --> 01:37:42,496
of the View Askewniverse
films in general.
2243
01:37:42,598 --> 01:37:44,259
Um, all stories emanate
2244
01:37:44,361 --> 01:37:47,601
and flow from that
little building.
2245
01:37:47,703 --> 01:37:50,937
And when I worked there...
2246
01:37:51,040 --> 01:37:53,467
um, I hated it.
I didn't want to be there.
2247
01:37:53,569 --> 01:37:54,971
I didn't wanna work
for somebody else
2248
01:37:55,074 --> 01:37:56,510
and I didn't wanna work there.
2249
01:37:56,612 --> 01:37:58,678
And people would come in
2250
01:37:58,781 --> 01:38:00,275
and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
2251
01:38:00,377 --> 01:38:02,142
"I have to actually
wait on people?
2252
01:38:02,244 --> 01:38:04,051
"I just wanna watch TV."
2253
01:38:04,153 --> 01:38:05,753
I didn't even wanna work
at the convenience store.
2254
01:38:05,855 --> 01:38:07,282
I tried to get a job
at RST Video.
2255
01:38:07,384 --> 01:38:09,054
There was an ad
in the paper for it.
2256
01:38:09,156 --> 01:38:10,791
I went down
and talked to Mr. Topper.
2257
01:38:10,893 --> 01:38:12,354
He said... He goes,
"I see you have
2258
01:38:12,456 --> 01:38:14,459
"convenience store
experience as well."
2259
01:38:14,562 --> 01:38:16,294
I said, "Yeah,
I worked in a bunch
of convenience stores."
2260
01:38:16,396 --> 01:38:18,029
And he goes,
"Would you be
willing to work
2261
01:38:18,131 --> 01:38:19,968
"in this convenience
store next door
2262
01:38:20,070 --> 01:38:21,628
"from time to time because
we own that as well?"
2263
01:38:21,730 --> 01:38:23,431
And I was like, "Uh, yeah,
if you need help."
2264
01:38:23,534 --> 01:38:25,069
And, uh, famous last
words because it...
2265
01:38:25,171 --> 01:38:26,641
it was a convenience
store job.
2266
01:38:26,743 --> 01:38:28,539
He catfished me.
I just wound up
2267
01:38:28,641 --> 01:38:30,339
working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in...
2268
01:38:30,442 --> 01:38:33,047
in a video store,
teased with paradise,
2269
01:38:33,149 --> 01:38:36,980
then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.
2270
01:38:37,083 --> 01:38:39,620
So in Clerks, Randal says,
2271
01:38:39,723 --> 01:38:41,119
"Man, this job would be great
2272
01:38:41,222 --> 01:38:42,989
"if it wasn't for
the fuckin' customers."
2273
01:38:43,091 --> 01:38:45,488
Uh, but in the script
for Clerks III,
2274
01:38:45,590 --> 01:38:47,289
I'm gonna read you a little
something that was there
2275
01:38:47,391 --> 01:38:48,727
that I didn't use
in the movie.
2276
01:38:48,829 --> 01:38:50,392
During the pullback shot
2277
01:38:50,494 --> 01:38:52,227
at the very end,
you hear John Gorka's
2278
01:38:52,329 --> 01:38:53,930
beautiful
I'm From New Jersey.
2279
01:38:54,032 --> 01:38:55,463
And it was so lovely,
2280
01:38:55,566 --> 01:38:58,072
I left that moment alone
and didn't put in
2281
01:38:58,174 --> 01:39:00,472
what in the script called
for, the voice of Smod.
2282
01:39:00,575 --> 01:39:03,944
That would be me.
And this is what you
would have heard.
2283
01:39:04,047 --> 01:39:06,075
"Randal Graves spent
the rest of his life
2284
01:39:06,177 --> 01:39:07,815
"running QuickStop Groceries
2285
01:39:07,917 --> 01:39:09,376
"whenever he wasn't
making movies,
2286
01:39:09,478 --> 01:39:11,652
"with each film
financed solely
2287
01:39:11,754 --> 01:39:14,151
"by Crimson Crypto Studios.
2288
01:39:14,253 --> 01:39:15,889
"At a screening
of his final film,
2289
01:39:15,991 --> 01:39:18,023
"the Asbury Park Press
asked him
2290
01:39:18,125 --> 01:39:20,523
"to sum up
a life spent satisfying
2291
01:39:20,625 --> 01:39:24,032
"both the public's demand
for cigarettes and soda
2292
01:39:24,134 --> 01:39:26,727
"as well as their appetite
for the many movies
2293
01:39:26,829 --> 01:39:30,300
"he made after
his celebrated
debut, Clerk.
2294
01:39:30,402 --> 01:39:33,338
"The 90-year-old
Randal Graves replied,
2295
01:39:33,440 --> 01:39:35,174
"'I always thought that jobs
would have been great
2296
01:39:35,276 --> 01:39:37,237
"'if it weren't for
the fuckin' customers.
2297
01:39:37,339 --> 01:39:39,346
"'But as it turns out,
2298
01:39:39,448 --> 01:39:42,479
"'these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers.'"
2299
01:39:43,752 --> 01:39:45,278
He means it and so do I.
2300
01:39:45,380 --> 01:39:47,153
Thank you to everybody
2301
01:39:47,255 --> 01:39:48,654
whoever walked through
the door of that store
2302
01:39:48,756 --> 01:39:50,355
and made me think,
2303
01:39:50,457 --> 01:39:52,725
"Somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."
2304
01:39:52,827 --> 01:39:55,492
Somebody did. Thank you.
2305
01:39:56,565 --> 01:39:58,561
JAY: Yeah!